Deus Vult!

So, a few things have happened ever since that meeting with Zecora. Firstly, we got invaded by the Zerg... Well, not exactly. This was a different kind of swarm. Whilst the Zerg wouldn't look twice at your home, seeing as how it'd be too busy gnawing at your body, these little things, known as 'Parasprites', ate everything but you. The best part about this was that these things literally appeared hours before Princess Celestia was meant to visit the town. You could probably understand that everypony was rather stressed during that day.

In Twilight's case, stressed wouldn't be the right word to use. The poor girl was on the verge of having a nervous breakdown throughout the entire day, and that was before the swarm had even appeared. But the real kicker? Pinkie Pie. Fucking Pinkie Pie of all ponies saved the day. Unbeknown to all of us, these things had a strange attraction to music, which Pinkie took advantage off, becoming the Pinkie Pie'd Piper and leading them all away. 'Hopefully off of a cliff.'

Then I had to help clear away winter itself. Literally. I'm not even kidding. Ponyville has this strange traditon where, every year, the ponies forgo magic and physically remove any and all traces of winter from the town. Seeing as how I wasn't a pony, and couldn't do anything to help with the weather, they simply brought me to some corner of the town and handed me a shovel. To say I was annoyed would be an understatement. Apparently, Twilight almost had a nervous breakdown at some point that day, but I was too busy slaving away on the other side of town. Still, Pinkie brought me some brilliant hot chocolate near the end, so I was all right.

Then was also that one time where Twilight tried ever so determinedly to figure out just what was wrong with Pinkie. Nothing was wrong with her, surprisingly, but she had an uncanny ability to just...well...appear out of nowhere, as if by magic, and could also sense when things were going to happen. Like an Oracle, or something. Of course, she's an Earth Pony, so shouldn't be able to be casting teleportation spells or predicting the future, right? Pinkie calls it her 'Pinkie Sense'. If it sounds bullshit, that's because it is. Basically, I helped Twilight perform a bunch of whacky experiments on Pinkie, then we got chased by a fucking HYDRA, then Twilight spontaneously combusted from pure anger, and then we gave up. It was only then that Pinkie revealed that the 'Doozy' that she'd been on about that day was from Twilight believing in her Pinkie Sense.

TL;DR - Don't question the pink partying psychopath. It's not good for the mind.

But what has to be the highlight of the past few months? Apart from that one time I called Blueblood a cunt, of course? Well, it involves screaming. And pain. And the town burning down. Sugar, spice and everything nice, and me being made the Pope.

One of those is true, by the way.

"Please?" 'No.'

"..."

"Pleeassee?" 'Nnnoooooo'

"..."

"Come on, Mr Greyson! I know you're awake." 'I wasn't five minutes ago...'

"Noamnot" I mumble, much to the amusement of a nearby Twilight, who was reading another one of her books. 'I'm positive she's read everything there is in this library. Twice. Well, I know she's thrown all of them at me twice, at least.'

"Yes you are!" Giggles Sweetie Bell, struggling onto the couch and jumping onto my chest. Knowing that the jig was up, I pull my arm away from my eyes, looking down at the filly standing on my chest, smiling hopefully up at me. "See! I knew it!" 'Congratulations. Here's a medal. You can come and collect from at the Go-Away store, at the Leave-Me-Alone aisle.'

"Good job. Now what d'you want, again?" I ask, forgetting just what it was that she wanted from me exactly.

"Well, Mrs Cheerilee wants all of us to bring something in for Show-and Tell." She explains. Basically, she wants to show me off to her classroom, like I was some sort of animal. 'Ah, why the fuck not. Not like I've anything else to do.' "And then afterwards, me and the other Crusaders are-" 'Wait what? The Crusaders? Urban, mate, you preaching to the ponies now?'

"The who?"

"Oh, I forgot to tell you who the Cutie Mark Crusaders are." 'These names get weirder and weirder by the day, I swear.' "It's me, Applebloom and Scootaloo. You remember Scootaloo, right?" 'Scootaloo....Scootaloo...Oh yea, isn't that Rainbow's biggest fan?'

"Is she that little orange pegasus who wouldn't stop sucking off Rainbow's coc-oooompletely massive ego?" I ask, ignoring Twilight's reaction out of the corner of my eye.

"Yea! That's her!" She giggles, thankfully being too young to understand just what it was I'd almost said. 'Don't want another Applebloom situation, Alex.'

"Hey Twilight," I say, looking over to the unicorn in question, "you got any more slave work for me to do? Or am I free to go, oh master of mine?" Mockingly looking deep in thought, Twilight stays silent for a few moments, before nodding.

"Well, I'm sure I'll manage without you for a bit." She'd only been halfway through her sentence when Sweetie had already jumped off of my chest, thanking Twilight and running out of the library, waiting expectantly outside. Getting up from the couch, I make my way out of the library.

"Have fun, you two!" Twilight shouts to the pair of us. "And don't be getting him into too much trouble, Sweetie!" 'Whoa! Me? Trouble? Never!'

"I won't!" Sweetie shouts back, not noticing the gesture I was giving to Twilight as I closed the door. Looking back down to the face of a beaming Sweetie Belle, I can't help but smile at how giddy she looked. "You're really looking forward to this, aren't you." I point out to the small unicorn, who nods ecstatically in response. "Thought so. Right, lead the way kid."

We'd barely even been a minute away out of the library and I was already beginning to regret agreeing to this. I'd been bombarded with questions the entire way. 'Are we sure that Twilight isn't secretly your sister? Christ, I don't even think she's asked me this many questions.'

"Did you go to school?"

"Yep."

"What was it like?"

"Educational." 'Ba'dum'TSS'

"What was your teacher like?"

"Which one? I had quite a few."

"You have multiple teachers?"

"Had, yes."

"Oh. Well, who was your favourite?"

"Oh that's gotta be Mr Taylor. Absolute legend." 'What a guy. Best Geography teacher the world's ever seen. You're checking out your Twitter? Guy wants to see if your following him. Snapchat? He'll throw himself onto your story. What a lad.'

"What did you learn?"

"Well, what do you learn?"

"Maths, Equestrian," 'I'm guessing that would be English to me.' "History, Geography," 'Basically everything I learnt. Weird how similar this place is to Earth. Same curriculum? Days in a year? Hell, they speak English...Or, am I speaking Equestrian? Aww hell, I can already feel the migraine forming.' "-and art!" 'Oh, she finished?'

"Well I basically did all the same things. Though I had to do Extra Maths, where I basically swapped out my music lessons to do extra maths lessons instead. I'm terrible at maths."

"Really? I'm not the best maths either, but I don't get extra maths lessons." 'Lucky you.' "But I do get singing lessons instead." 'Oh? That's...nice, I guess?'

"That's nice. You wanna be a singer when you're older?" I ask, actually intrigued.

"I don't know. I like singing, but Rarity's been having me help her around the store a lot more. I think she hopes that I'll get my Cutie Mark in being a fashionista, like her." 'Ah, family peer pressuring her into following in one of their footsteps? Seen that before.'

"Remember sweetheart, it's your life, remember. When it comes to it, it's what you want to do that matters, not what your friends or your sister wants you to be." I say, the filly taking in what I'd just said. Turning the corner, I spot a number of foals up ahead, their families standing beside them, all crowded around a certain building. 'Ah, I survived the questioning. There's the school up ahead.'

"Sweetie! Mr Greyson! Over here!" A familiar voice calls. 'Oh hey, there's her friends.' Making our way over towards both Applebloom and Scootaloo, Sweetie hugs her friends, who then turn to me. "Well howdy Mr Greyson! What ya' doin' here?" Applebloom asks, both her and Scootaloo staring up at me. Kneeling down, I meet them at eye level.

"Well, I'd tell you, but it's a secret." I tease, chuckling at the pout that Applebloom gave me. Turning to Scootaloo, I raise an eyebrow. "So, Scootaloo. Still think Rainbow's the coolest thing ever?" Smirking, she nods.

"Yeah! Can you do a sonic rainboom, Mr Greyson?" 'No, but I can probably slap the shit out of Rainbow if I tried.'

"Well, not exactly, but..." Pulling a spare Bit out from my pocket, I hold it between me and them, nodding to it. "I can make this disappear before your very eyes!" I declare, the three fillies having mixed reactions. Sweetie looked confused, Applebloom looked excited and Scootaloo looked as if she didn't believe me. 'Call me Harry Houdini, ladies and gentlemen.' Remembering what I'd learnt back home, I astound the three fillies by performing a simple trick before their very eyes. Before they could blink, I shot my other hand out towards it, grabbing it before, without them noticing, dropping it into my sleeve, before pulling my hand away to reveal that the Bit had vanished. Now the fillies shared the same expression: Amazement.

"Whoa!" They all cry, clapping their hooves together. Giving them a mock bow, I smile.

"See? I can do magic as well." 'Well, I wish I could anyway.'

"But you don't have a horn?" Sweetie Belle points out, the three fillies suddenly circling my body, looking for the cause of my 'magic'. Chuckling at their confusion, I nod.

"I know." This only confuses them further, as Sweetie Belle tries to come up with an explanation, to no avail.

"But, how can you do magic then?" 'By the power of Greyskull, of course.'

"~It's a secret~" I reply, giving the trio a cocky smirk. Before they can interrogate me further, however, a magenta coated pony calls for all the students to enter the school grounds. Nodding goodbye to Applebloom and Scootaloo, who rush towards the school, I hold Sweetie Belle behind for a moment. "So what exactly am I doing?" I ask the filly, who pauses in thought.

"You'll come into the school with me, wait outside my class, and when I give the signal, you come in." She explains, giving me a step-by-step rundown of her plan. Satisfied, I nod.

"Alright then. Let's go." I say, standing back up and following the unicorn filly into the school itself. Just before I enter, however, I stop, a mischievous plan forming in my mind. 'Ah, why the hell not.' Keeping an eye on Sweetie, who'd yet to notice that I was still outside, I watch as she enters one of the school's classrooms. 'Bingo.' Quickly, I rush round to the side of the building, looking inside the windows until I found the correct classroom. Finding the right one, I carefully lift an already open window upwards, allowing me to both hear the students and be able to climb in, when the time was right.

Waiting for the signal, I stand and watch, observing the other students and what they'd brought in today. 'A drawing, okay, that's normal....Is that a snail? The fuck?...A diamond tiara? Seriously? Take one of those into my school and you'd be guaranteed to be held up in the toilets for it....A scooter? Huh, Scootaloo's Scooter. Fair enou- oh here's Sweetie!' Seeing as how the class was distracted, I quietly climb inside, stealithy making my way behind the foal's desks.

"-nyville's resident human: Mr Alex!" Sweetie cries, pointing to the door. Which didn't open. "Erm...as I was saying: Mr Alex!" She cries once again, yet still nothing happened. 'Aw, this is cruel. Alright kid, you wi-'

"Mr Alex? Isn't that that weird monkey thi-" 'You fucking what?'

"Who you calling monkey!?" I exclaim, glaring at the pink tiara wearing little brat.

My response was an entire classroom of screaming children, plus one mare. 'I must say, this has backfired spectacularly.'

Eventually, the class did calm down. It only took about 10 minutes for them to stop screaming, and another 3 to persuade the teacher not to report me to the guard. Still, it was fun. The Crusaders were ecstatic that I was there, and the rest of the kids were happy to ask me a hell of a lot of questions. The most common being, 'Do you eat ponies?'. 'Ooh, the look on their faces when I hesitated. Absolute Class.'

What I didn't like, however, were two certain fillies, the one with the tiara and the other with a spoon on her arse, who found it rather amusing to ask me the more less-than-friendly questions.

"Why do you look weird?"

"Are you a blank flank?"

"Do all humans look so weird?"

Yea, not the biggest fan of those two at the moment. And it seems the Crusader's weren't either, as I've found out. It turns out that 'blank flank' is what a pony is called who has yet to earn their Cutie Mark. 'So they're bullies to these three as well, then? What a pair of cunts. Wonder if the one with glasses has a spoon wedged in her arse that makes her the twat that she is. Might explain the mark. Tiara, however, is just a bitch. Oh well, bullies are bullies, and I'm sure that that Cheerilee lady will sort it out eventually.

With show and tell over, I'd gone to see how my friends were doing. Rarity was fine, Applejack was busy on the farm, I'd been told that Rainbow was napping, Twilight was still reading the same book from before, and Fluttershy was in the park. I'd spent an hour with the latter, just talking about whatever came up, including her animals and those from my world. She found it especially interesting that I had a fondness for dogs, and said that if she came to care for any, she'd keep them in case I ever wanted to take it off of her hands. That is, if I ever moved out of the library, as I doubt that Twilight would be to keen on having a dog running around. Still, it was a nice gesture from Fluttershy, who seemed more than happy to make it.

All good things must come to an end, however, and I left Fluttershy's pleasant company to head back to the school, as I'd agreed with Sweetie to head over to their clubhouse, wherever it was. Spotting me coming towards them, the trio met me halfway.

"So how was school?"

"It was boring." Groans Scootaloo, though Applebloom seemed to disagree.

"Show-and-tell was fun though." She says, to which both Sweetie and Scootaloo nod their heads to. 'Of course it was. I was there.'

"Yea! Oh man, you scared everypony, Mr Greyson!" Giggles Scootaloo, her two friends joining her in doing so. Chuckling, I nod.

"I know, I know. I'm a sneaky kinda guy when I want to be. Though what did I say in the class, kid?" I say, referencing what I'd told the entire classroom earlier that day.

"Oh. Sorry, Alex." She says, grinning sheepishly. Nodding, I smile.

"Much better. Mr makes me sound old, and I'm only 21." I joke, the four of us heading away from the school. "Still, Mr would probably be better than Monkey, Weirdo, Blank flank or any of those creative nicknames those two fillies came up with, though." Hearing this, the three fillies sigh.

"Yea, sorry about those two, Alex." Applebloom apologies. Hearing this, I shake my head.

"Hey, you three have nothing to apologise for. It weren't any of you who were calling me that, so don't worry about it.

"But still, they shouldn't have called you those things!"

"Bullies will be bullies, Sweetie. Best thing you can do is tell your teacher, or just ignore them completely."

"But if you ignore them, they'll just keep doing it over and over and over again." Counters Scootaloo.

"Not exactly. In most cases, if you just ignore them, they'll get bored of you not reacting, and move onto someone else. But that's not the best outcome, as somepony else will have to suffer what you've suffered. Best thing to do is to tell your teacher, and then they can sort it out." Nodding, Scootaloo looks forward, taking in what I'd just said.

About 15 minutes later, and we'd finally arrived at what must have been their clubhouse. To be honest, I was impressed with what I was looking at. 'Not bad. Not bad at all.'

"Did you three make this by yourselves?" I ask, though they shook their heads.

"Kinda. Mah' sister made it when she was a filly, but then she stopped usin' it, and gave it to us instead. It was fallin' apart, though, so we just fixed it up a lil'." Answers Applebloom, gesturing to the windows and the roof, along with the ramp that led up to the front door of it. 'Huh, fair play, girls.'

"Still, not bad girls. Back where I came from, me and the other kids made dens in the trees, but they were nowhere near as good as this." Beaming at the compliment, the three run up the ramp, entering the clubhouse. Now I had a problem. Unlike the three fillies, I doubted I would be big enough to actually fit inside. Still, I could probably just about squeeze myself in, though my neck would most likely be throbbing the next day. Throwing caution to the wind, I cautiously climb up the ramp, hoping that my weight wouldn't snap it in half. Thankfully, this wouldn't be the case, and I somehow manage to crawl my way inside the clubhouse, though having to squat in the inside so as to not put a head-sized hole in their roof.

Looking around the clubhouse, I spot a number of things. These things included: a hand drawn map of Ponyville itself, with certain parts of the map having been circled, a pair of posters signed by Rainbow Dash. 'Obviously belonging to the President of her Fan club herself, à la Scootaloo', a bunch of tools and paint, and finally a podium. Speaking of said podium, Sweetie Belle was standing before it, below her were Applebloom and Scootaloo, the latter banging on a pair of drums for whatever reason, and all three of them now wearing matching capes. 'Am I....Am I being inducted into the Crusaders? Oh joy.'

Waiting for Scootaloo's drum medley to end, which it did a few moments later, Sweetie Belle clears her throat.

"We, the Cutie Mark Crusaders, offer Alexander Greyson, to join us as a brother, friend, confidaint-"

"Confidante" I correct the unicorn, who repeats what I just said. 'Much better.'

"-ally, pal, compadre, chum of chums-" She's interrupted when Scootaloo clears her throat, her expression telling me that she wasn't as patient as I might have been. Getting the message, Sweetie places the script back down, before rolling her eyes at Scootaloo.

"You wrote this."

"Oh...Yeah...Heh." Scootaloo says, looking at me sheepishly. Chuckling, I nod for Sweetie Belle to continue, almost immediately regretting it when I see just how long the script actually was. 'How many more synonyms for friend exist, man?'

"Homeboy... Amigo... blah blah blah blah blah- oh, yes, here we go!...And potential Cutie Mark Crusader, if you choose to accept!" She finally finishes, placing the script back down. Looking at the three fillies individually, I can tell that all of them are hoping I'll accept. Why? I don't know. Maybe it's cause I'm a human? A 'blank flank' as Silver and Diamond so eloquently said? Because of my near-godlike handsomeness? The reasons were limitless, but that didn't matter. What did matter, though, my answer. 'I could just say no-oh my god those eyes...fuck, I've no chance. FINE!'

"Alright, I'm in." I answer. Seeing the three fillies about to burst with happiness, I put a hand up. "On one condition." I add, the three fillies giving me looks of curioisity.

"And what's that?" They ask, to which I smile.

"-and I got this cool looking cloak to boot!" I finally finish, proudly wearing my 'Sweetie-Belle' designed cloak over my shoulders, much to the filly's delight. "By the way, have any empty books? I need to start writing a few commandments down." Twilight, to her credit, was taking everything I'd just said rather well. And by rather well, I actually mean that she was confused as all hell. 'I would be as well, Sparky. Don't take it personally.'

"So let me get this straight. Firstly, you were taken to the school by Sweetie Belle, correct?"

"Yep."

"And then you climbed through the window, into their classroom, before scaring them, the other foals and the teacher half to death, yes?"

"Uh huh."

"And finally, you were made a member of the Cutie Mark Crusaders, being given the honorary title of-"

"POPE ALEXANDER!" The three fillies beside me shout in unison, their voices carrying through the library and into the the streets of Ponyville. Shrugging, I give the bewildered unicorn an innocent smile.

"It just kinda happened, Sparky."

Author's Notes:

I'm not sorry. This took me two hours to write. It's trash, I know, but funny nonetheless. Think of it as a little gift for this story reaching 200+ likes and 20K views. Not the best gift in the world, but it's the thought that counts, right?

See you in the next chapter, folks! Peace.