The walk to Canterlot consisted mostly of me carrying a giant wub on my back and Danny bitching at me to go faster, followed closely by Vinyl calling Danie something along the lines of "shove it up your shitter shucklecock". This cycle of ridiculous dialogue was broken only by the strange happenings that permeated the journey there, the details of which will not be discussed at this time. Suffice to say, that shit was weird, and the story will be told later.

After about three hours of this anomalous shit that could be entered into the SCP files as a friggin euclid level artifact, we finally made it to the outskirts of Canterlot. Even though it was probably around eleven o'clock when we made it there, the city was still bustling and lit up like a torch. Once inside, it was a simple matter of giving the royal guards a form of paper identification to be allowed into the city to see Luna. Except that's not what happened, Daniel and I were detained using extreme force and promptly sealed in a dungeon cell pending interrogation by the princess herself. So I guess it worked out okay in the end. Vinyl was sent to a different cell pending a psyche evaluation to make sure she wasn't under the control of our "alien telapathy".

After about three hours or so of confinement, during which I slept for two hours and Daniel told me the story of how he is considered a deity in a church that considers above average intelligence to be a sign of godhood (he seriously told me this story, I bullshit you not), the pretty princess finally decided to make her appearance.

The iron reinforced wooden door opened with all the slow certainty of immanent demise, the hinges squealing like an impaled pig as they slowly opened to reveal princess Luna in her madbro form.

"WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME AFTER LAST NIGHT?" The royal Canterlot voice was like a .380 auto in a confined space with no hearing protection, and I was confident I would have permanent hearing loss before I ever left this crazy town.

"What?" Daniel and I spoke as one, we were both equally confused on the crazy shit that seemed to be happening with stunning regularity.

"NOT YOU, KYLE, AND CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR WEDDING, VINYL SCRATCH PERFECTLY COMPLIMENTS YOUR ALREADY ERRATIC AND UNPREDICTABLY CRAZY BEHAVIOR. DANIEL! I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY TEACH YOU AT HOME, BUT YOU DO NOT SIMPLY..." At this point, Luna glanced back to look at the two guardsponies standing behind her to her left and right. She made a motion with her hoof, and the guards promptly nodded and walked away from her. Luna didn't speak again until the door that lead from the dungeon to the other parts of wherever the hell we were opened and closed again. Luna looked to make sure they were gone, then spoke in a more normal, (but still hostile and angry) volume.

"But you do not simply have intercourse with a mare and then leave her to continue with more debauched acts. Especially when that mare is a princess." Danny had sex with Luna. My life was at an end. Even if we miraculously survived this ordeal, I would be promptly inundated with calls about how he fucked a fucking pony princess. I would be doomed to forever have to picture his description of the terrible ways in which he sodomized a millenia old being. What was that about my crazy personality?

"How could you do that to my sister?" Oh here it... WHAT!

"Celestia is the most caring, kindhearted mare in the entire world, and you used her like a ho-pony. She may forgive you, but I don't. Give me one good reason I shouldn't kill you right now." Danny was well and truly screwed. I was his friend, and I couldn't think of a reason for him to continue to exist.

"Because Celestia's been stolen by Chrysalis and you need our help to get her back?" Danny was sure quick on the draw.

"Do you really thi- WHAT!?" Luna was visibly surprised, as in very visibly surprised.

"You didn't get the letter? Spike sent it like four hours ago." It's Kyle to the rescue with now useless information! Da da da daa!

"I didn't get a letter honey, Spike makes mistakes sometimes when sending letters to me. We still don't know exactly what goes wrong." Did she call me honey? Oh please tell me she meant honey like when a waitress takes your order at a restaurant.

---------------------------------

SCP-2955

Item # : SCP-2955 and attached articles 02-17

Object Class: Keter/Euclid/Safe

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-2955-02 through SCP-2955-17 are to be stored in hermetically sealed stainless steel box measuring 30x10x10 cm at all times except when under examination. This is not due to any deleterious effects on human psychology or physiology, but to preserve SCP-2955-02 through SCP-2955-17 against decay. Examination of SCP-2955-02 through SCP-2955-17 are to be carried out only by trained personnel of clearance level two (2) or higher. digital copies are available for attached personnel of rank one (1) and lower.

SCP-2955 is to be housed in a 10x10x10 m square room. subject is to be treated as any other humanoid subject. Subject is to be given basic needs required by other human beings (clothing, food, water, bedding, furniture etc.). Subject may be given certain items as requested, so long as items do not constitute a breach of security. Subject may be tested or examined with authorization of class-2 personnel or higher.

Description: SCP-2955 is a caucasian woman about 1.71 m tall. Her hair is a deep midnight blue, which seem to contain constellations not visible from Earth at this time. Her eyes are also a very dark blue. Subject seems to possess a very high intelligence, scoring a 175 on I.Q. tests. Subject appears to be in early twenties, though it claims to be many millenia old. Subject has fluent understanding of over eight hundred (800) languages and dialects, including ancient Sumerian, Aztech, Mayan, ancient Egyptian, Swahili, Mongolian, and several other unidentified languages. When subject was first discovered, it was not overtly hostile, but seemed to be suffering from severe narcissism, claiming that it would rule the world.While in this state, subject stated that its name was [expunged]

Subject came to Foundation attention in [expunged] after several reports of a woman speaking in several different tongues and using what appeared to be telekinesis to damage [expunged] killing [expunged] Witnesses were given class-A amnesiacs and families were told that loved ones died in tragic accidents. Subject remained a Euclid class SCP for the next [expunged] years. After which it appeared to go through a paradigm shift in mood, even claiming a different name. Subject has since been designated safe, as it no longer seems to pose a threat to any individual.

SCP-2955-02 through SCP-2955-17 are several scrolls that have recently been sent from an unknown individual that claims to call itself [expunged] its relation to the children's show [expunged] is being investigated at this time. SCP-2955-01 claims to have no knowledge of their purpose or intent, and subject has past all lie detector tests given to it.

The scrolls do not seem to contain any vital information, mostly appearing to be messages having to do with day to day occurences, with the exception of the last scroll, which details what seems to be a plan to foil an attempt at an invasion of a place named [expunged] Examinations are underway to determine if they could pose a threat to humanity.

Note: Subject may be of use as a translator. Secure cooperation as soon as possible. Dr. [expunged]

Note: Any personnel caught flirting with SCP-2955 will be immediatly demoted and moved to another project. Remember to be professional and courteous at all times. Dr [expunged]

Note: There are two names mentioned in SCP-2955-17 that do not match the patterns of the other names. "Kyle" and "Daniel" may in fact be from our planet. I want reports on all missing persons named Kyle or Daniel on my desk as soon as possible-Commander Stractner

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"Why'd you call me honey?" I was about to hate my life even more.

"You don't remember our little escapade last night." Danny made that amused sound in his throat. I just stared in shock.

"Personally I think it's a bit awkward on your wedding night, but it was totally worth it for me. Was it worth it for you?" If I had gone the rest of my life without knowing I lost my virginity to a pony. I would have been much better off, but no, God has to rub my face on the floor like a mop. I felt like that one guy in hangover part 2. The one that had sex with the boob dude hooker.

"Anyway, what do you mean Celestia has been kidnapped?"

"I mean, that Celestia, whilst enraptured in her goings on, didst become entangled in a dastardly scheme to abscond with the rulers of your fair land, and their residents, and in turn replace them with their own pawns in a hostile takeover of you glorious land." Fuck it, I couldn't let all this creepy shit phase me anymore. Nothing was going to surprise me from now on. I would get plenty of time to vent when I beat the shit out of some changelings later.

"Oh! Why didn't you just say that before?" Oh of course, cause how I said it was much easier to understand. Right? Daniel was just looking at me funny, as well he might since he found out I had a pony princess in bed last night.

"Well, I suppose the elements of harmony should be along to fix things shortly."

"Actually, they're some of the major targets now." Great fuckin' job Danny. You're just a fuckin' Hannibal Smith-alike ain't ya.

"WHAT!?" The royal Canterlot voice sucked, I hope she didn't yell like that when she came. "Do you mean to tell me that you left them alone when you could've been protecting them!?" Now she was pissed again, just what we needed.

"They can handle themselves. Except Fluttershy, she's already been stolen." DAMMIT DANIEL. SHUT THE FUCK UP.

"WHAT? ONE OF THE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY HAS BEEN PONY-NAPPED AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?!" Daniel, I am going to murder you. Then I'm going to mail your brain to a lab to see if a cure can be found for stupidity syndrome.

"We're telling you now aren't we?" Don't implicate me in this Daniel.

"Fine! *sigh* What's done is done. We need to find out where they're holding them, and soon. Otherwise we're probably finished."

"They also took Glenn." FUCKIN' GODDAMMIT TO FUCKING HELL DANNY. JUST DROP THE FUCK DEAD RIGHT NOW YOU FUCKING DUMBASS MORON.

"Who?"

"Our friend Glenn. Human, like us, but shorter. Had a broken arm."

"Ah yes, I remember him now. He was with Fluttershy almost the whole night. They really hit it off. Left the party as soon as they could. Just like me and *giggle* Kyle." I had a rictus grin glued on my face, but I was making little whimpering noises inside my head. How I ended up like this is a mystery I would never be able to solve.

"So, now that you know what's going on. What are we going to do?" Daniel was asking someone else? Unprecedented!

"Well, we're going to leave this jail cell, and go somewhere more comfortable." Where have I heard the phrase 'somewhere more comfortable' before? "Then, we are going to figure out exactly where these fiends have taken Celestia, Fluttershy, and your friend Glenn."

"So you have no idea where they are?"

"No"

"Okay, then. How are we finding out?"

"Magic."

"Okay. Sweet."

"I assume you want Vinyl with you as well?" nononononoNONONONO!

"Yes, that would be best." FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

"Good then. We'll continue this in my chambers."

-----------------------------

After about twenty minutes of walking through the ridiculously large palace, we finally made it to the private chambers of the princess. After opening the gilded teak doors, I was immediately struck by the opulence of the room, and the complete lack of use it seemed to get from its owner. The most used piece of furniture in the entire place was the desk, which was currently stacked with about eight shitloads of papers. I guess she really was busy. No wonder she wasn't seen in the show.

"We can speak privately in here." Luna said quietly.

"Great. So where's Glenn?" Danny was being a bit impolite. We were sure to get real far with his dumb ass talking.

"He's in the same place you're going."

"Isn't that obvious?" Danny was always one to call someone out.

"Well, I don't think you'll be getting there the way you wanted to. Nor will you be meeting him under fortuitous circumstances."

"What?"

"FOOLS! IT IS I! CHRYSALIS! QUEEN OF THE CHANGELINGS!" Sure enough, Luna morphed back into the Queen of the changelings.

"Again?!"

"OH FUCK! PLEASE TELL ME I DIDN'T HAVE SEX WITH YOU LAST NIGHT!" On the disturbing scale, making love to Chrysalis rated as a 30, out of ten. Luna was only like a 9.

"Do you think I would ever deign to let you touch me?"

"Oh. *Whew* Ha ha! I didn't have sex with a giant bug! Thank Christ."

"WHAT? Am I not good enough for you? I am a queen!"

"I would sooner have sex with the queen of England."

"We'll see about that! Come and love me you stupid creature!" If she expected anything but a foot up her ass, she was in for quite a surprise.

"How about no?"

"Why not?"

"Because, no. What exactly was your plan?"

"I will overpower both of you, and then take you to my dungeons, where you will face pain beyond your worst nightmares."

"You realize you pretty much had us fooled right? You could have given us false directions that led us to an army of your minions. Or you could have given us false directions that led to the wilderness, where we would have eventually died of starvation or been killed by wild animals. You could have left us in our cell, and we would have been no use to anyone in the coming fight. You could have had the guards kill us on sight, or had us executed, but you instead chose to bring us to a soundproof location, alone, without any sort of protection or trap of any sort planned for us. Is that about right?"

"When you put it that way, she sounds pretty stupid."

"No shit Danny."

"I am no imbecile!"

"You coulda fuckin' fooled me! You sure you aren't disguised as an idiot or something?"

"Insolent worms!"

*Knock* *Knock*

The knock at the door weirded us all out, but then the door opened to reveal none other than Vinyl Scratch, toting the square wub I carried all the way here.

"What exactly is that?"

"Aww nothin' much it's just mah BASS CANNON BEEEEAAAAATTTCCHHHH!" Vinyl then pressed the red button conveniently located on the top. The front of the wub opened to reveal that the inside was glowing blue and red. The sound it made while charging was like a building electric guitar and bass beat. suddenly, it seemed to stop building, and stayed at a steady beat. The red button suddenly lit up to green. Danny and I had just enough time do dive away before she slammed her hoof down on the button.

We would later find out that the shockwave from the explosion destroyed windows almost two miles away. Residents in Ponyville were woken from their rest by a sound like a giant explosion of dubstep music. The beam from the base cannon left a 6 meter diameter hole in the castle tower. destabilizing the roof and causing parts of it to fall. No one was hurt by the debris, but it reportedly destroyed a hay fries stand and crushed an apple wagon. The twisting blue and red beam continued after going through the wall, the explosion was caused when the beam hit the mountain. The concentrated expanding wave sound particle beam (C.E.W.S.P.B.) impacted the mountain at the speed of light, but due to the paradox of sound traveling at the speed of light, a small event horizon was effectively created. The entire top of the mountain was destroyed by the explosion of solid particle sound, and the event horizon sent the remaining debris into another dimension of space time. Needless to say, it was the coolest fucking thing ever.

I managed to get the chunks of masonry off my body and stand up after being unconscious for only ten minutes. My head felt like it was being pounded with hammers, every heartbeat was a chorus of agonies in my head. I had a concussion, fuckin' great. Danny tapped my shoulder, he was trying to tell me something, but I couldn't hear a word. I tried to tell him, but he didn't seem to hear me either. It was only then that I noticed his ears were bleeding. reached up and touched mine, blood and another liquid were coming out of my ears. That explosion must have popped my eardrums. Fucking kick ass.

I looked around the wreck formerly known as Luna's room. She was gonna kill us when she found out what happened. As if I cared. Chrysalis was nowhere in sight. Instead, a huge gouge in the floor and a giant hole greeted my blurry eyes. I smiled, it looked like it was finally over. All we had to do was find our friends now. I turned around and saw Vinyl standing up slowly, and painfully. I staggered over as fast as I could. Forgive me father, for I am about to sin. I kissed Vinyl, I kissed her so hard. We were literally rolling on the ground for a good minute.

I stood up and smiled at Danny. Then I punched him in the face and put his lights right back out. My enemies were dead, my wife was horny, and my friend was out cold. All we had to do was find Glenn and the rest, and we could finally be done with all this crazy shit.
-----------------------------------------

Ground zero, anomaly site B-3. 1.13 kilometers from Canterlot. Threat level: Alpha Red priority. Immediate response by level B-4 personnel or higher neccesary as per protocol C-34-14 enacted by princess Celestia in C.R. 567.

Agent Whiteburrow surveyed the anomaly with a practiced eye. He had seen things like this before, usually just before things started crawling out of them. A portal to a different dimension was never a good thing, though judging by how unstable it was, it would either fade into non-existence, or explode into non-existence soon. Either one was fine with him, he'd seen those a hundred times before in his life, but he'd also seen what happened when they didn't close fast enough. The things that came out of rifts like that, were usually responsible for lots of dead agents, and lots of post-traumatic stress disorder and insanity cases.

"Sparrow! See anything from up there?" Whiteburrow called up from where he stood. No need to use radios when you were in easy hearing range.

"Not a damn thing sir!" He replied rather cheerfully.

'Good' thought Whiteburrow as he walked towards the black and purple sphere of anti-existence. Sparrow landed next to him a moment later and began walking with him.

"Remind me again how this happened." Whiteburrow said exasperatedly.

"Well sir, it seems that Vinyl Scratch fired a burst of partially solidified sound waves at the speed of light, and since sound isn't supposed to be able to go at light speed, it created a physically impossible situation which resulted in a localized event horizon rift in the fabric of space-time.

"So basically it was magic."

"About the gist of it sir, yes."

"Damn that woman and her stupid sonic weapons. She's nothing but a security breach with hooves. Yet the board still won't let us take her into custody."

"Why not sir?"

"Because Twilight Sparkle is head chairpony. Politics politics politics, Celestia-damned politics are what keep us from doing our jobs. You know this is the fifth time she's opened a rift? The first two were during testing, she nearly destroyed a research facility. The third was because she "thought it would be fun", the fourth was when she defeated Discord, and the fifth time, she's destroyed a mountain and caused hundreds of thousands of bits in damage. Maybe now Celestia will believe me, once we find her."

"We can only hope, sir." Sparrow said sarcastically as he rolled his eyes.

"Looks like the rift is about to close. We should be able to get the rest of the agents out of here soon and get back to the important things."

"Shall I start packing it up here?"

"Yeah, I think we should be in the clear by n-"

Whiteburrow stopped and stared at the rift, it had stopped closing, and a strange being was pulling its way out of the portal to nowhere.

"Contain that thing, now! Agents Blackbush and Eagle, get the others to close the perimeter. I want solid coverage on every square millimeter of space on the ground and in the sky. Nothing leaves without permission." Whiteburrow may have been a hothead when things were normal, but when things went to shit, he was cooler than ice, and clear as crystal.

The agents rushed to seal the gap and prevent the anomaly from escaping. They would fail. The thing that crawled out of the event rift was far too powerful to be contained by even the most hardened field agents of the P.A.E.C.D.A (Princess' Anomalous Event Containment and Destruction Agency). All the agents on site were disabled or killed in a matter of a few seconds.Last to fall was agent Whiteburrow, who saw enough to know what to expect and put a hoof in the thing's face as it tried to race by and slice his head of with its wing blades.

It barely flinched as it was struck, and Whiteburrow suffered multiple fractures to his right foreleg. The anomaly in question struck out with a contemptuous leg. The strike broke several of Whiteburrow's ribs, and he was catapulted almost twenty meters by the blow. Whereupon his head struck a rock and he was knocked unconscious. The last thing he saw before this was a solid black coat and sparkling dark blue hair.

The anomaly finished its violent rampage and looked back upon the carnage it had caused.

"I hope I didn't break a hoof over any of those foal's heads back there. It's bad enough I have to deal with all the blood." Nightmare Moon regarded both of her front hooves and her bloodstained coat and mane, both of which seemed changed. Her coat was the same black as it had always been, but her cutie mark had turned a shade of blood red. Her hair had also changed, becoming a deep crimson, the color of arterial spray.

"My my. I should take bloodbaths more often, they do wonders for the hair." Nightmare seemed almost amused at having just killed and injured nearly fifty agents.

"After my rather embarrassing defeat last time, I should think they'll laugh if I come in telling of how the night will last forever, and the whole Nightmare Moon thing is rather tiresome anyway, but I think I shall rename myself, they say it's never too late to change right? Hah hah hah hah. Oh I suppose I might as well go with the first thing that comes to mind. Bloodmoon sounds rather appropriate. Has a very nice ring to it. Well, what to do now? Perhaps I'll pay a visit to dear old Celestia and Luna. I wonder what they bleed?" Bloodmoon looked down to her hooves and licked the blood off of her boots, yet the armor remained the same deep crimson as her hair.

"Time to be a proper evil, I haunt nightmares no longer, now I shall make them reality." The alicorn formerly known as Nightmare Moon flashed a smile, revealing teeth that even now were sharpening themselves to points. She then took to the skies, on a clear path towards the city of Canterlot.