"Twilight, this isn't the princess." I was pretty sure the whole, 'convince Twilight the princess is secretly an evil bitch' plan
was going to fail miserably, but I tried it anyway

"What do you mean? Of course it's the princess!"

"The princess was kidnapped by Chrysalis. So who do you think this is?"

"I think it's the princess, and you're just crazy."

"Crazy? Yes, but this still isn't the princess."

"Don't listen to a word he says Twilight. He's insane, he said it himself." That annoying soothing tone again. It was infuriating to hear it when you know it's fake.

"Bitch shut up. And I'm crazy, not insane. If I was insane, I'd keep telling you to shut up. I'm not going to ask again though, I'm just going to kill you, and turn you into changeling steak if you continue to speak."

"Kyle! have you lost your mind?" Twilight certainly knew how to ask the stupid questions."

"Did I not just answer that exact question? Yes, I have metaphorically lost my mind. So, if the CNN reporter is done asking questions, I'd like to get this over with."

"What's CNN?" Twilight was of course getting me off task, cause God forbid I get to slap a bitch without having to explain something obscure to someone. I also hated CNN.

"It's a bunch of retards trying to be a news agency." For every question, there are three answers, the right one, the wrong one, and the funny one. I chose the right one, the funny one would have sent me into lmfao seizures or lolspasms. Medical complications I did not need.

"Well that sounds completely pointless."

"No shit Sherlock, let me get my top hat."

"Who's Sherlock?"

"You never heard of Sherlock Holmes?"

"I think you mean Fetlock Foalmes." My eyebrow twitched when I got very frustrated. I found that out in that exact moment.

"Excuse me, but I believe you were in the throes of your self-righteous rant about how I'm not the real princess?" Princess fakestia was still using the annoying motherly tone, but it was getting colder by the minute, nay, the second.

"Didn't your mother ever tell you not to interrupt someone else's conversation, Or were you mailed express from the dark stinking bowels of Hell by Satan himself?"

"Uuhhh."

"Imma just think yes, now either come clean, or I pick your bones clean."

"Fine, if you insist."

At that moment, the princess stood up and returned her form to its usual... not quite ugly, but... distasteful, look. Her once beautiful features returning to their weird insect-like shape. Her wise, knowing eyes changing to cunning, evil orbs. Her mouth no longer held that comforting smile that was usually associated with the princesses, but instead was contorted into an evil, sick sneer. Yep, good old bitchalis was back.

"How did you see through my facade?" Apparently, morphing made you temporarily brain dead. Herp-derp.

"You only boasted about how you stole Celestia for about five minutes. You ever think about giving someone else all that derp? I think Danny would love some Chrysalis derp."

"What is a derp?" Ah the innocence of evil changeling queens.

"It's, uhmm. How about we skip to the epic battle?"

"OR I could just teleport out of here and send my minions to kill you later."

"Aww, but that's no fu-." She obviously did it anyway. I was a little bummed we couldn't just end it, but that meant we could settle this in a much more satisfying genocide later. Wait what?

"Hey Kyle! We're here! Where's the queen chick and stuff?" Daniel was fashionably too late as usual.

"What were you doing for the last five minutes, you dumbcock?"

"I was trying to help the big guy get his ass in here."

"You could also have come in here and let him get in himself."

"Hey, I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Bull-fuckin'-shit dude! If you're a lover then I'm master chief.

"Does someone want to tell me exactly what's going on here?" Twilight was suitably surprised by the strange turn of events, and was still attempting to figure out what the actual fuck was happening.

"The princess, Fluttershy, and Glenn have been kidnapped by Chrysalis and taken to an unknown location."

"What! Any other crazy things you'd like to tell me?"

"Don't forget the invasion plans." Daniel of course knew when the best time to butt in with the crazy crap was.

"THE WHAT?!" Twilight was now freaking out like few others ever could. She looked like she was about to curl up into the fetal position and cry like a four year old. Spike though, was not giving a single fuck, and for that, I was thankful.

"Yeah! The queen is planning an invasion of Equestria, so that she can kill all of us and take the land for herself." Daniel obviously didn't know when to stop with the crazy shit.

"Which seems pretty stupid since they feed on love." I was not helping with my logic, but I was absolutely going to add my two cents.

"So let me get this straight. Fluttershy, Glenn and the princess have been kidnapped by the same evil mastermind that wants to kill us and take over the land?"

"That's about what we've been trying to tell you over the course of the last ten minutes, Yep." I was just about out of patience, so I resolved to punch her in the face if she asked the question again.

"Okay. I'm just gonna close my eyes, and when I open them again, everything will be back to normal." Twilight's face had a crazy, wide-eyed smiled plastered on it. Her ear was twitching like it had when she went crazy in that one episode, and her hair had suddenly become mussed up. She was basically in crazy mode.

Needless to say, when she opened her eyes again, things had not gotten any better.

"You're still here! Why are you still here?"

"This isn't a dream Twilight." Danny was speaking soothingly, something I never thought possible. I was half expecting to wake up now.

"Nononononono. This has to be a dream, there's no other explanation." Twilight was still freaking out, and I was getting a bit impatient. So I slapped Twilight in the face.

"Oooww! Hey!" Twilight was instantly back to her old self again. I was surprised that actually worked, it was rather convenient.

"Sorry, but you weren't seeing reason." I was totally not sorry, but it didn't matter right then anyway.

"You're right, I get a bit weird when I hear things like that. I'm guessing you still want your friend back?"

"Hell yeah we want him back!" Danny seemed enthused, which was a bit unusual, but then again, it was his friggin' boyfriend we were talking about.

"Well, before that, we need to tell princess Luna, and we should get the rest of the girls together. They need to know what's happening, we'll take care of this."

"Well, if we're doing any more walking today, then I'm gonna need some big boy boots." I was seriously in need of some shoes. My feet were killing me.

"Uhh. I guess Rarity could help you out with that."

"Thanks."

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Ten minutes later. (*o*)

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I was currently standing at the door of the Carousel Boutique in Ponyville. It was even more horrible than I imagined. I always hated shopping for clothes, and getting clothes made for my *Ahem* manfully bulky frame, was going to be half the hell of this entire journey. For a few minutes I just stood in front of the door and sweated nervously while I contemplated the ramifications of what I was about to do.

" *Knock knock* Oooohhh Raaaarrrriiiiittyyyy!" Daniel called in an annoying sing-song voice. Dammit all.

"Coooommiiiingg!" Cue the equally annoying sing-song of Rarity. Fuck my life.

"What the fuck dude?" Danny always did have a way of annoying me.

"You were just standing there. Did you want me to wait here while you whacked yourself off or something?"

"I seriously hope you mean kill myself."

"You wish dude."

Rarity opened the door before my expertly worded, and skilfully described opinion of what I thought of him could leave my lips.

"Hello Daniel. Hello Kyle. What brings you here?" Oh this should turn out real smooth.

"We need some shoes. We're going to be walking quite a bit more, and it's not fun in just socks." Daniel was actually going straight to the point. *gasp*

" *Weird Rarity exclamation with sparkly eyes* You mean, you need new outfits!" I was not liking where this was going.

"Uuuuhhh yes. Yes! We need new clothes as soon as possible." Dammit Danny, you are the most enormous reta-er, not smart guy, I have ever met.

"Yes! Yesyesyes! I'll get started on both your new looks right away!" No! Nonono! Fuck.

-------------------------------------

A couple minutes later

------------------------------------

I was standing in front of the mirror in an ankle length black robe with red clouds, a ridiculously high collar, and too long sleeves. New look my ass, this was just the Akatsuki robes from Naruto. Did that make Danny Daedero? Except, that would mean I was Toby. Fuck no.

"Hmm. Too restricting." Thank God Rarity at least had some sense.

The next look was another black robe with a hooded cloak. The robes from the movie Priest? I was surprised at how annoying the robe was, considering how awesome it looked. We were slowly getting better.

"Too creepy." That was fair.

After the last came a pair of jeans with a purple and white jacket sporting a fleur-de-lis symbol on the back, and a pair of sneakers. Was this the Johnny Gat look? Who the fuck was showing her this shit?

"How did you come up with these?" I refused to believe that this was all the product of her mind.

"Oh who doesn't want to be Johnny Gat?"

"What?"

"Nevermind. Onwards and upwards!"

Next came a sweater with a brown, knee-length overcoat, and a pair of slacks. It was almost exactly like the Doctor Who look. It was like she was trying to taunt me.

"Too warm."

After that came a shirt, pants, ankle length coat, and shoes. All of which were black, with a pair of black sunglasses to complete it. Perhaps we finally had an original look, but it still seemed vaguely familiar.

"Too... black."

After about six more outfits involving parachute pants, suspenders, and other things you were likely to find being worn by Elton John or a weird old guy stuck in the 80's. Or was that still Elton John? We finally got to a look that really worked for the both of us.

We walked out of Rarity's in khaki cargo pants, shin length black boots, white tee-shirts, and black vests. I had acquired a pair of brown sunglasses while inside, and promptly put them on as we got outside, even though the sun was setting since it was getting on past eight o'clock. Daniel had his tinted prescription glasses, and was managing to be almost as awesome as me. My survival knife was now attached to my belt instead of illegally hidden inside my pocket like before.

"Do you think we should have told her about what was going on?" Daniel asked calmly.

"Nah." I said. We had enough problems as it was.

"Wasn't Twilight gonna get the girls together?" Daniel asked.

"Yep. So I don't have to care anyway."

"I like the way you're thinking."

We had it all planned out, we'd go make a quick stop at Twilight's, have spike send a letter to Luna so we didn't have to listen to Twilight bitch about how it was dangerous to go alone, then find our way to Canterlot to plan our next move. A simple plan, one that was slightly less likely to fail than most of our other plans. Perfect.

Twi's house was all of three minutes walk away from the boutique, so it was pretty easy going. The whole 'message Luna without alerting the bitch' plan went off smoothly. We found a map and started our walk there. It looked like we were home free, until a certain pony called out to us. Or, more specifically, me.

"Hey sweetie! I'm ready to go!" There were two ways that sentence could be interpreted, and I wasn't sure which one was worse. I turned around and saw none other than my wife, Vinyl, slowly making her way to us. She had a strange square wub-like device on her back about as big as she was. It looked like she was having a bit of trouble carrying it. Guess she'd just have to stay behind, what a shame.

"What's that thing on your back?" Danny sure knew how to ask the questions that ended up screwing me over.

"Aw it's nothin' much. It's just mah BASS CANNON 2!" I was getting the strange vibe that I usually got when something I really didn't like but would have to deal anyway with was about to happen.

"Dude. She is going with us." Danny was using his serious voice, which meant that it was going to happen unless I killed him. I came closer than ever to commiting homicide that day. Daniel didn't seem to notice, and instead took the bass cannon off Vinyl's back and put the strap around his shoulder.

"Thanks Manny." Vinyl said as she stretched her back like a dog and began walking with us.

"It's Danny." Daniel said as he tried to hand the thing to me.

"It was your idea to bring her with, you carry it asshole."

"Dude. She's your wife."

"Don't fuckin' start this with me dude."

"Just carry it you bitch."

"Fine, but you owe me asshole."

"Yeah, sure, whatever."

"Fuck you man."

"Are you ladies done yet?" Vinyl didn't fuck around. This could get sketchy.

"And try walking faster. Like you would if you weren't morbidly obese. This was gonna be one hell of a walk.