Ahriman turned and fired his bolt pistol in .76149th's of a second, it still felt like a minute to me. Apparently, fear gives some people wings, and some people ridiculously OP reflexes. I wasn's sure I could deflect 20 mm bullets with magic, but it was preferable to try rather than be blown in half by an exploding cartridge. I was pretty sure my focus was at maximum, and my willpower was over 9000, so fuck it.

I moved my hand up to block th- wait, that bullet is moving like a snail in the air. Why not just dodge? Yeah, I'll do that. I moved back behind the tree about .2.43 miliseconds before an exploding bolter shell whizzed past the spot where my head ised to be. It hit a tree about ten yards behind me, blew it in half, and set it on fire.

"The fuck man? You trying to blow my eardrums out?" It was a strange thing to ask the thing that tried to shoot you, but that gun was LOUD.

"No, I was trying blow your brains out." Ahriman was, unsurprisingly,not concerned that he nearly turned my head into garish modern art.

"Dude! It looks like you..." Daniel paused and put on a pair of sunglasses that he conveniently had on him.

"Dodged a bullet. YEEEEAAAAAAAHH!." Daniel finished his meme based pun and made a self-satisfied smirk.

"You don't seem particularly concerned that I almost turned your friend's head into a very fine mist."

"What was I gonna do? Talk the bullet into stopping?"

"Shut it ladies. We still have a ways to go to get back to town." I was most certainly not going to listen shit from these two.

"I am quite surprised you are not much more angry that I shot at you." His voice had suddenly become much more annoying.

"Ohoho. I am absolutely livid. In fact, you should probably stop your fuckin' talking before I get even more angry."

"Livid is about as angry as a person can get. Thereis no real word for being angrier."

"After I become livid, you need to use sentences to explain my anger. Sentences like: 'Having a strong desire to make a lurid mess of you, or 'Wanting to RIP YOU THE FUCK APART AND TURN YOUR CORPSE INTO A WALL DECORATION.' You know things like that."

"Dude. Calm the fuck down, christians aren't supposed to get angry." Danny was being a FUCKIN' PRICK like he usually was when I got angry. Or maybe it was just me.

"You are mind numbingly wrong Danny, christians are allowed to get angry, it's what we do with anger that makes it wrong. For instance, being angry at someone who just tried to kill me is perfectly okay, but wanting to kill him and brutalize his corpse is a sin. Every christian sins, and no sin is any greater than the other, so the way I see it, turning the fucker who tried to kill me into a FUCKING MEATLOAF is the same as lying and saying I don't want to."

"He's going to have a heart attack at this rate. If I don't kill him first."

"Daniel, if he does not shut his face in three seconds, I'm going break him like a cheap Chinese toy."

"Alright Kyle, just calm down man."

"You're right, I just need a moment."

-----------------------------------------

Ten minutes later. Orgasmic transition strikes again (*o*)

-----------------------------------------

"You feeling normal yet?" Daniel actually seemed to care. Which was another rare thing for him.

"Yeah, let's go."

"About time." Aaaaannnd now I wasn't. For a ten thousand year old being of immense knowledge, he wasn't very wise.

We again began to walk along through the forest of weird trees. It was getting later now, about five o'clock by my reckoning. Luckily it was summer, so we still had a few hours of daylight.

"How far away is this town?" Ahzek was actually starting to sound like a whiney bitch the longer we walked.

"We're getting closer."

I could hear running water as we continued walking. Which meant we were nearing the end of this hell. Maybe we could get Twilight to send this guy home. Wait a second, why the hell didn't we get Twilight to see if she could get us home? I suddenly felt about 20% dumber than I felt before. We should get her on on that ASAP, unless Daniel didn't want to go home, which wouldn't surprise me.

We reached the river a few minutes later, and Danny was again a bitch about his shit. This time, I actually had to jump us across. Magic is wicked awesome. It took a certain giant blue guy about five minutes to ford the river, which was apparently only about six feet deep. Once he had crossed, we continued on.

--------------------------------------------

Another ten minutes later. (-_-)

--------------------------------------------

"You can't keep living in the past dude. Sure you got married to a pony, and sure you might have done certain sexual acts with her, but you have to put that behind you and move on." Daniel was a real motivational speaker when he wanted to be, but that was mostly because he was good at telling people what they wanted to hear.

"I was married once you know."

"You're shittin' me."

"No dude, I was married over the internet. I had a fake signature from my dad, a preacher, the whole shebang."

"When was this?"

"About two years ago."

"Why did I never hear about this?"

"She died about two months later."

"Oh. I'm sorry."

"I'm not. She was a real bitch, and she was a terrible lover."

"If you were married over the internet, how would you know?"

"She sucked at virtual sex."

"Really dude."

"Yeah, contrary to popular belief, virtual sex is an art."

"That's a load a shit."

"Well sorry for trying to relate to you."

"First rule of relating to someone dude, actually be able to relate to them."

"I was married to a daemonette once." Ahriman was apparently just as random as Danny when it came to interjecting into conversations.

"How'd that work out for you?" I couldn't resist hearing about this one.

"She tried to take my soul, so I trapped her life essence and used it as a bomb to destroy an Eldar craftworld."

"Sounds like it was a problem with communication."

"No, it was because she tried to kill me."

"I was being socratically ironic."

"How do you expect to make me seem unintelligent?"

"Same way I made you seem like a bad shot."

"Hah!" It was that humorless laugh again. The same one Danny used. It was creepy.

It was about five minutes before we reached the sheer cliff again.

"How did you two get down here from that spot up there?"

"Magic."

"I see. Well, now you shall see true power."

Ahriman then clutched his staff with both hands and stood absolutely still. He held this position for a few moments.

"Well, we're waiting." I was pretty sure this was some sort of irony, but I was more concerned with trying not to laugh.

"Where is the warp? Why can't I feel the warp?" He sounded like Vegeta when he couldn't find the moon.

"It's a completely different universe. The warp doesn't exist. By the way, dramatic irony is a real bitch isn't it?" I couldn't understand for the life of me how he didn't notice a distinct lack of whispering voices in his head. I was given to understand that daemons constantly whispered in the minds of psykers. It was still hilarious to see his only real power taken from him. Schadenfreude had never felt sooo good.

"You seem much too focused on ironies. What about sensory details? Character development? Things that make stories great?"

"I got an A+ on a sensory details paper in school, don't tell me how to be a writer."

"Well it's good to see you putting your talents to good use." He said sarcastically.

"Why are we even talking about this right now?"

"Because you are too focused on irony, that's why. I've read more books than you have words. I know what I am talking about."

"We aren't writing right now. Who gives a fuck?"

"Fine, have it your way. Just don't come to me the next time you need advice."

"I wasn't asking for your advice in the first place."

"Fine. I suppose we'll be climbing this then?"

"You're the one with millenia of experience, you tell me."

"I just said, don't come to me for advice."

"Then yes. You will be climbing the sheer cliff, old man."

"Fool. I am stronger than any ten humans combined."

"Great. Then it shouldn't take you too long."

I then teleported Daniel and I to the top. We settled in to wait, only for Ahriman to appear about a minute later."

"I hate having to do this sort of grunt work. At least those two idiots won't be here for a while. If they can even haul their fa-. How in the name of-"

"Magic." Daniel said simply.

"I see."

Everything in my body was telling me to push him right back off.

"Exactly how far did you two travel?"

"We're almost there. Then you can start your nefarious plan to raid the library." Why did I feel like a mother to this annoying prick?

"Their society is stable enough for libraries?"

Daniel started laughing.

"What is amusing about that question?"

"Nothing." Daniel said quickly.

"Yes, they have a library in town. You'll probably be staying there, as long as you don't murder half the populace in the way there."

"I haven't killed either of you yet."

"Not for lack of trying." I was still angry he almost killed me.

"Is that the edge of the forest ahead?" Daniel again picked a rather convenient time to interject.

"I think it is. About damn time too, we have to warn Twilight and the rest of them about the crazy plot going on."

It seemed the end of this crazy ride was finally in sight, we could drop the annoying one off at Twilight's, and go save Glenn. Some would question the wisdom of leaving a super-human soldier with millenia of combat experience in a library while two completely untrained individuals went into a place that would be heavily guarded by changelings, but I figured it was worth it if we didn't have to deal with him.

We were finally on open ground again, now we just had to get back to Ponyville. Hopefully, we would be able to convince the others that he was okay. It would probably be a lie, but we could hopefully find a way to get him back to his own shitty future before he killed somepony. Or everypony.

"So, ground rules if you want to fit in around here. 1: be nice, 2: don't tell them stories about how you killed millions in your search for knowledge, 3: DO NOT draw the gun, unless a huge monster is trying to eat yours or someone else's face, keep it in the holster, and 4: listen to Twilight, she's the smart one."

"Define the word 'nice'. Do you mean I should kill them quickly? Or that I should not kill them?"

"Follow the normal laws of any civilized society. Don't kill, steal, or maim anyone, and they shouldn't be too hard to stand."

"I could just kill them and plunder the library."

"That would not end well for you."

"who could stop me?"

"Twilight."

"You keep speaking of this 'Twilight', who is she?"

"A librarian."

"Interesting. I was once a librarian, one of the best in fact. Though, I was a space marine librarian, which is quite different from a simple bookeeper."

"I know."

"Really? How is it you learned this?"

"It's a long story."

"I see." He was totally unconvinced, any idiot could have seen that, but he didn't press that subject any further. How do you tell someone that their entire life was dreamt up by fat British nerds with no girlfriends?

"This 'Twilight' girl, how do you think she could stop me?"

"She's one of the greatest mages to ever live. Maybe THE greatest. She's also the personal student of the princess, the kidnapped one, and possibly the only one here who could rival your ridiculous thirst for knowledge for it's own sake."

"Hmm. Perhaps I can hold an intelligent conversation with her, it is rare that I meet a fellow searcher of the truth."

"I find that rather insulting."

"I do not care in the slightest."

We reached the outskirts of Ponyville after just a few more minutes of walking. The ponyvillians quickly made their way into their homes when they saw us approaching.

"They don't seem thrilled by my presence."

"Ponyville is a very xenophobic town, and a giant power armored thing isn't helping matters much."

"I don't remember telling you that this was power armor."

"..."

"What did you say this town was called?"

"Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie! Welcome to Ponyville! I haven't seen you here before, and if I haven't seen you before that means you must be new! Because I know everypony and I mean EVERYPONY in Ponyville! *Le additional Pinkie gasp* You know what this calls for? A party!"

Ahriman, for his part, had not immedietly put a giant fist in Pinkie's face, and was making a mighty effort not to grab her by the neck and squeeze until she stopped talking. I almost felt sorry for him at that point, no one should have to deal with that pink freak.

"...and the kitchen smelled like burned stripper for a week..."

She had again launched into the 'ape party' story. A story no one shoud ever have to listen to in their life, ever. I had to bail him out of this before he either killed her, or went totally insane.

"PINKIE PIE!"

"Oh! Hi Kyle!"

"Don't you have important thisngs to do?"

"Oh Right! We can talk more later! I have a party to plan!"

"I am in your debt for that boy. The hell of the warp was nothing compared to that."

"I know the feeling."

"Let's just get to the library, before I have to kill someone."

"Hi honey! Wanna go to my place and have sex?"

Daniel started loling like a weirdo on the spot. Ahriman turned his head toward the source of the speaker. Then he looked back at me, then back to Vinyl, then to me again. I facepalmed so hard I nearly gave myself a concussion.

"Who is that?" Ahriman was looking at me like I was a complete weirdo under that helmet, I was sure of it.

"My wife." I sighed.

"Why would you marry that?"

"I don't remember."

"How do you forget something like that?!"

"I was ridiculously inebriated."

"That makes marginally more sense."

"Hey baby, who's the big dude?" If she kept calling me that, Danny was going to lolverdose, and Ahzek was going to kill something.

"Listen honey, we have a big problem, Glenn, Fluttershy and Celestia have been kidnapped by Chrysalis, the changelings are trying to take over Equestria again, and this guy needs to find a way back to his own universe. Can we do this later?"

"Well that ain't good. You should probably go get Twilight."

"We're already on it."

"Can I come with?"

'nononononononNONONONONO!'

"Sure, me and Kyle would love to have you along."

'Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccck! Danny you fuckin troll!'

"Great! I'll go get my bass cannon 2.0!"

I slowly turned my head to Danny.

"You fucking trollshit."

"What? I thought this would be a good time for you and your 'honey' to bond." He was absolutely bullshitting, and any idiot would have been able to tell.

"You shatsuck. You just wanted to troll me."

"And I totally did, I trolololed you hardcore."

"I am going to wring your neck until it cracks like the Liberty Bell, then I will sell your organs om the black market."

"Oh don't be so butthurt about this. She's bringing the bass cannon 2.0 dude! It could be totally awesome!"

"It could also be that I have to deal with her begging me to have sex the whole time."

"If you have a problem with that, there may be an underlying issue you need to deal with."

"The underlying issue is that I'm not into bestiality!"

"Then maybe you should tell her the truth?"

"I will, after this shit is over and I can afford the time to do it properly."

"Are you two going to take much longer?" Ahzek was going to be the voice of reason on this one apparently.

"No. Let's get to the Library before I give myself an ulcer." I was mad bro at Daniel, but I could try to hold it until we were alone and I had more descriptive insults.

The library was close by, and we were able to reach it rather quickly. Upon reaching the library, I noticed that Ahriman would have some trouble fitting through the door. the door was about five feet high, Danny and I had to bend over to get in. Ahriman was seven feet tall, not including the ridiculous horns on his helmet.

"This could be a problem." Danny wasted no time stating the obvious.

I knocked on the door. No answer. I knocked again, and Spike answered the door.

"Twilight's bu- whoah. Who's the blue guy?"

"I am Ahzek Ahriman. What exactly are you?"

"I'm Spike, I'm a dragon."

"You don't seem very... dragonlike."

"I'm a baby dragon."

"That makes a bit more sense."

I really didn't have time for this crap.

"Spike, we need to see Twilight right now."

"Twilight's busy."

"What is she doing?"

"She's doing, uhh, things."

"Oooohhhh, well, if she's doing things then I suppose that unimportant stuff like the kidnappings, the planned invasion and the extradimensional beings can all just be put on hold can't they?" I was being rediculously sarcastic, and I seriously didn't give a shit about the 'things' Twilight was doing.

"What do you mean kidnappings?"

"Princess Celestia, Fluttershy, and Glenn have been stolen by queen Chrysalis, who has hatched, no pun intended, another plan to take over Equestria."

"That can't be right, Celestia is in the other room having tea with Twilight. Oops! I wasn't supposed to say that."

"She's WHAT!"

"Uuuhhhh, nothing?"

I pushed my way through the door without another second's hesitation. I quickly ran through the tree to the dining room and 'let' myself in. I went through the portal to see Twilight having tea with the sun princess. Celestia's eyes widened when she saw me.

"You?!"

"Kyle? What are you doing here? Get out of here! I said I didn't want to be disturbed." Twilight shouted angrily.

"Hey bitch. Remember me?"

"YOU." She said venomously.

This just went from lousy to class five shitstorm.