I woke up under a pile of confetti, plastic plates, and cups. My vision was blurry, which sucked because I couldn't tell where I was. It hurt to think, it hurt to move, and my head pulsed every time my heart beat. So I was either bucked in the face by Applejack, or I had a hangover. I honestly hated the implications of both of those possibilities, but, as of now, I couldn't rule out one or the other. I lifted my head up and tried to look at myself, but anytime I moved my head, it felt like I was being hit with mallets. Yeah, this was probably a hangover.

I was usually able to control myself when it came to mind-altering substances. What the fuck happened? Alright Kyle think. Ow. It hurts to think. Okay, think anyway you little ass-fuck. What do you remember?

I remembered going to Sweet apple acres, and Pinkie Pie's party invitation. Then we took Glenn to the hospital cause we remembered he had a broken arm.

'Wait. How the fuck did it take us that long? I made the sling myself, with Danny's shirt sleeves no less! Apparently, no one gave a flying fuck about Glenn.'

Okay, off topic, get back to the important stuff. How did I end up here?

"Oh my, this is most unbecoming of a lady!"

'Alright, fuck thinking, I'll just see if Rarity remembers.'

I slowly began picking my fat ass up off the floor. My vision was returning, and I could tell by hours of MLP that I was in Sugarcube Corner. I still had all my clothes on, which was good, since I could see a certain fellow fat-ass' shorts on the floor about ten feet away. I guess we knew who wore the pants in this place now. Anyway, back to buisiness, I had to find Danny, and see if he remembered this shit. I finished standing up after about five more seconds of alternating between moving and graoning in pain.

"Are you alright?"

I looked around a bit and finally spotted the grey coated unicorn. Wait, that didn't sound right. I summoned all my knowledge of background and minor characters and soon came to the conclusion that it was Octavia.

"Yeah, I'm okay. I just have a bit of a headache."

"Well, considering how much you and Vinyl drank last night, I am not surprised. where is that crazy mare anyway? It's not like her to just up and leave without saying goodbye. Especially if it's her husband we're talking about."

"Yeah, yeah, awesome. Look, I need some help remebering what happened to my friend, Danny. He's about the same height as me, and well, a human."

"Oh, Daniel? Why, after the wedding, He went back to the party with me. Though, you and Vinyl took your time getting back. *giggle* By the way, I think it was very nice of you to make him the best man. He seemed very excited. May I also say, that it was a pleasure to be the maid of honor at your wedding, you two are just perfect for each other."

Due to my splitting headache, I didn't really process the implications of what she had said. So I went back to an old standby.

"What?"

"I said Danny came back to the party with me."

"Yeah, I got that. What did you say after that?"

"That you two are perfect for each other?"

"Just before that."

"Oh! I said it was a pleasure to be the maid of honor at your wedding. It was so nice of you to agree to Vinyl's request to make me the Maid of honor. Though I doubt you would have been able to say no. Vinyl Scratch is by far the most stubborn mare around when it comes to certain things. Well, I really should be going, I have to get home and bathe while I try to forget that I fell asleep on the floor of a bakery."

And with that, she picked up her cello case, (which had somehow stuck to the wall near the door) and strutted out the door. About five seconds later, the things she had been saying finally began to piece themselves together in my head. What they spelled out, was this: You got piss, shit, tittie touching drunk last night. Then you married Vinyl Scratch in front of Daniel, your best man and possibly worst friend. Then, after that, you and your pony wife were alone while you had no real control of your physical faculties, you two were also gone for an unspecified amount of time, during which, anything could have taken place. So basically? you probably had unprotected sex with a pony. Also, you are apparently awesome at picking up ladies while you are drunk, which is bawss.

When you get so drunk at a party that you marry a pony, then get so drunk that your maid of honor has to remind you next morning, and you call yourself a christian, then you know you're a loser.

At this rate, I'll be going on a killing spree to find the people responsible for making the drug that caused people to murder my wife and baby girl. Blatant Max Payne references aside, it was probably about time I gave Danny his shorts back.

I began looking through the front of the bakery for a certain blonde haired maniac. I had no luck finding him, but I did find Twilight sleeping on a table. I figured it was best to leave her be for now. So I went upstairs. He wasn't there either, which meant he wasn't in the building. Unless Cupcakes was right about the basement.

I looked around a bit, and found a rather unassuming door in the back. Shit. I prepared myself for terrible images and opened the door. I looked down the steps, and saw that the place actually seemed well lit. I shrugged and walked down the stairs into... the fifteenth worst image in my life. There was Daniel, in his underwear, cuddling Rainbow Dash and Pinkie on a wooden table. I decided that, for the ponies' sakes, I would be delicate about this. Aw who am I kidding? Imma fuckin' do this my way.

"Hey fuckbuddies! wake up!" See? My way. Oh wait. Oooooowwwww. Damn hangovers. I will never drink again.

My way obviously worked. As evidenced by the fact that all three of them instantly jumped up and freaked out. I was still hurting from the noise when Daniel suddenly fell down and started moaning in pain. If I hadn't been in pain from my own hangover, I probably would have laughed my ass off at his pain and misery just then. Unfortunately, we still had problems to deal with, Like what other life changing decisions we might have made while we were hammered.

"What the fuck man? Why would you do that?" Daniel was moaning the words out while he was on the floor.

I walked over and threw his shorts at him.

"Get dressed. We're picking up Glenn."

"From where?" he asked as he got up and began pulling on his khakis.

"The hospital."

"When did he go to the hospital?"

"When we took him there after he broke his arm."

"But he was here at the party with us."

"What? When did he get here?"

"I don't remember, but I'm sure he was here."

"Do you remeber anything else about what happened last night?"

"Not really."

I sighed and turned my head towards the ponies, who were currently lying on the ground clutchin their heads in their hooves.

"What about you two?" I asked hopefully.

"What?" Rainbow asked quizzically.

"Do either of you remember what happened at the party last night."

"Nope." Pinkie said.

"Not really." Dash said afterwards.

"Nice bracelet bro." Daniel said randomly.

"What?" I said weirdly.

"The thing on your arm. Where can I get one?"

"Hey! That's a wedding band! Who'd ya marry huh huh huh? Oh please give me a hint!" Dammit Pinkie. Now I was in for it.

"Dude! you married a pony? That is fuckin' hilarious!" Danny fell back over and started laughing like a nutcase.

"Shut up dude."

"Oho no. I am never shutting up about this one."

"Then at least save until after we find Glenn."

"Yeah we should probably look for him." Daniel actually cared about Glenn, more than he cared about most other things. No Glenn was not gay.

"Ya think?" I said sarcastically.

Daniel grabbed his undershirt and put it on as he followed me up the stairs.

"I can't believe you married a pony last night. I think that makes you a furry lover dude."

"Says the guy who slept with ponies."

"Yeah, but I don't have to care."

"Fuck off man." Danny just laughed.

We came to the front doors a moment later. I was expecting the usual town type look, but what I got when I opened the door was something I never expected. After being temporarily blinded by the sun, I got a good look at the place. The whole town square was covered in trash, and a giant dance floor was still in the street, along with a raised platform with a bunch of giant wubbs and turntables. Also on this platform was a certain sleeping DJ. She appeared to be the only one still in the square, everyone else must have gone home like normal pe-er ponies. It appeared we were going to have to speak to Vinyl. This was going to be awkward.

"DUDE! it's DJ Pon3. Awesome!"

'Oh damn.'

Daniel started running full tilt towards the platform where Vinyl was sleeping. Fortunately, he was still a bit clumsy, and he fell over about halfway to it. I smiled and shook my head as I started walking over to him. It took him a moment to stand back up, and he managed to curb his enthusiasam for the moment.

I steeled myself as I approached the place where my wife was sleeping. This was going to be a very strange conversation. I put my hand on her shoulder and gently shook her. She didn't even stir. I shook her harder, still nothing. I flicked her on the forehead and was rewarded with a small moan.

"Five more minutes." She muttered as she went limp again.

I was running out of options that didn't involve causing lasting physical pain. I decided there was nothing for it and slapped her across the face. She woke up so fast that she fell out of her chair onto the floor.

"What! Who wha- where's goin' on? Oh, hey honey. Wanna make out?"

Yep, awkward.

"Is she talking to you or me?" Danny asked.

"Me." I sighed.

"Hah hah hah hah! Dude, you married Vinyl Scratch!"

"Well duh! You should know, you were the best man." Vinyl said smartly.

"I was? Awesome!"

"Have you been checked for chronic retarditus recently?" I was not expecting to hear that from Vinyl, and apparently neither was Daniel.

Now that i'd met her while I was sober, I could understand why I married her. She made fun of Danny almost as much as I did. Nevertheless, I was pretty sure this union was not going to last long. Still, while we were here, I might as well see if it was a good wedding.

"So Vinyl. How was the wedding?" I didn't remember shit, but maybe she did.

"It was really nice, the minister was a little weirded out, but baptists are at least open enough to tolerate stuff like this.

'Fuck. My. Life. Baptists exist here?'

"Uh great. Glad it was good for you, but did you see my friend Glenn at all? I can't seem to find him."

"Sorry honey, I didn't see him after we came back last night. Hey, wanna go someplace private? We never really went all the way last night."

Daniel was in a state of shock by this point, and I could tell his mind had probably produced an image that would haunt him for the rest of my life. For my part, I was thoroughly disturbed, and yet, I had the weirdest-. 'FUCK. NO.'

"Uh, I'd love to, but I have to go do that thing at the place." If I had been thinking straight, I probably would have had a much better excuse.

"How about you do that thing at my place?" That play on my words nearly sent me into ventricular tachycardia. I had to get out of this situation before things got really creepy. Er well, yeah too late.

"I'd love to...honey..." I cringed as I spat out that word. "But I have to find Glenn. His arm is broken and he could be in trouble."

"Oh, that sounds serious." She seemed genuinely concerned, so maybe it was working. "You had better go find him. Just make it quick. Eh? I don't like waiting."

'Thank Christ.' Now I could at least put off dealing with this shit 'till later.

"So you have no idea where he is?" I asked again.

"Nope. Sorry honey. But you could ask the yellow mare he was hangin' out with." I was not going to forget this if she kept calling me that.

"Yellow one?"

"Yeah, you know. Pegasus, yellow coat, pink mane, super shy?"

That was way more specific than I needed to hear to know she was talking about Fluttershy.

"Thanks love, I better go talk to her then. Let's go Danny."

'Wait. What did I just calll her?'

As soon as she was out of earshot, Danny slowly turned and gave me an expression that seemed to indicate a newfound respect.

"You got Vinyl Scratch to marry you, and now she still wants you when she's sober? You are now the fifth coolest person I have ever known."

"What was I before?"

"The twenty seventh."

"Gee thanks."

"No problem. So, you know the way to fluttershy's?"

"No, I thought you knew."

"How the fuck would I know? They always skip most of the journey between different places in the show."

"Then why the hell am I following you?"

"Because my guesses are always right?"

"How about we just go get Twilight to take us there?"

"I don't feel like walking back to her house."

"She was in the bakery. Speaking of which, so are Dash and Pinkie, we could probably ask either of them too."

"Well if you want to do it the easy way."

"Yeah. That's exactly the way I want to do it."

"And that is why you're my friend. You always pick the easy way."

"I thought it was because I was the only person who could stand your abrasive personality and clinical insanity."

For once, Daniel was speechless.

We found Twilight in the same spot she had been in before. Unfortunately, she didn't want to wake up anymore than Vinyl did. It took about three slaps in the face and a bucket of water to wake her up. That bucket was then used as an impromptu chuke containment device, as Twilight proceed to puke the contents of her stomach out in a fit of nausea.

"I think I drank too much." Twilight moaned.

"No shit. Ya think?" I couldn't resist letting off some steam after having to be the one to hold the bucket while she retched into it.

"Here's those ten bits I owe you Danny. How did you know Kyle would be able to chug the whole bottle?"

"Whole bottle of what?" I couldn't resist asking, even though the answer would probably suck.

"You mean you don't remember?"

"Not really."

"You drank at least four bottles of cider last night. Then you drank paint thinner on a dare from Applejack. The look on her face as you chugged the whole thing was priceless."

'When did I turn into a badass? I wish I could remember this shit. Then I could rub it in Danny's face for as long as I lived.'

"So listen, we need directions to fluttershy's house." I could worry about how awesome I was later. For now, I had a socially awkward no life to find.

"Oh that's easy! You just go down the main street 'till you get to the end of town, then take the first path after that. You can't miss it."

With this knowledge in hand, Danny and I left the building and headed down the road. I was going to find Glenn, and maybe kick Daniel's ass along the way. I was pretty sure it was his fault we ended up like this anyway. Still... it was a pretty good morning all things considered. Cause as they say, "if you ain't sinnin' you ain't havin' fun". Actually, fuck that, people who say that are morons.