I checked my weapons one last time, making sure they were all reloaded and ready to for use. Around me were the broken and mutilated bodies of a dozen ponies. I placed my hand on the door handle and pumped myself up for what I knew was coming. I opened the door to see even more armored ponies. I put on a business-like smile and walked out. “So. Life insurance everyone?” I asked them as I walked past the first of them. For a moment they seemed surprised, but then one of them, a unicorn, blasted me with fire. “Apparently yes!” I yelled as I unloaded with both barrels into the jack-booted thugs that were so desperate to kill me they had tried to get me in a hotel. The .454 rounds I was firing were not small by any stretch, nor were they quiet weapons to use. The cannon sounds they made when coupled with the tight spaces we were in made them sound like giant explosions every time I pulled the trigger. By the time my clips were empty, there were no ponies left in the hallway. There were chunks of flesh that closely resembled them, but nothing was still intact. I turned my head about to see my handiwork, then smiled and nodded, then I frowned. Something was out of place. I just couldn’t place my fangs on it. I pursed my lips as I looked around again. What the hell was wrong? Then I saw it, one of them was breathing. Well, that might be a good thing. It wasn’t like I was just going to find out who sent them by checking the bodies. Unless one of them had a swastika tattoo, but that would mean nazis, and nazis would be retarded. I shook my head and smiled as I walked over to him, he was so fucked. His leg had been severed below the knee, and he was bleeding all over the place. He flailed his remaining three legs in a futile attempt to get away as I got close. I knelt down next to him and looked him in the eyes as I spoke.

“Who put you up to this?” I asked seriously.

“What?” He replied in confusion. Shock did no wonders for comprehension, and it was clear his was pretty bad.

“Who sent you to kill me?” I asked again, speaking more slowly so his shock addled brain could comprehend my speech.

“Buck you.” He snarled. Ooh. Still a stubborn little bastard was he?

“You sure you want to do this the hard way?” I asked warningly.

“I’ll die before I speak to you.” He replied defiantly.

“Err... Okay.” I said as I picked him up, slung his body over my shoulder, and started carrying him back into the room. To his credit, he didn’t say a word as I walked through the door and moved towards the window. I looked out through the glass. Below were ponies happily out and about to experience a taste of the night life. I certainly couldn’t fault them for that, but they were still going to have a bad time in just a few seconds. I undid the latch on the gold edged window pane and looked straight down. It was exactly thirty two stories to the ground.

“What are you doing? My attached night guardspony asked in alarm. He had already seen me murder a bunch of ponies, and I’m sure he was just a little worse for wear. Well, he wasn’t getting better anytime soon, the night was still young.

“What do reckon? About three hundred feet?” I asked conversationally. As I looked at the ground.

“You aren’t going to do what I think you’re going to do are you?” The guard asked suspiciously.

“Why? What were you thinking?” I asked as I nonchalantly threw the bleeding pony out the window.

-----------------------------------------
19 hours earlier.

“So after doing absolutely nothing for all of about three hours, you somehow managed to become mortal enemies of the most evil villain in all of Equestria. Then you and Glenn played clue. Is that about right?” Twilight summed up our story quite nicely, it was a pretty shit story now that I heard it.

“That about nails it, yeah.” Danny said.

“So from what you saw of her, how bad is she?” Twilight asked worriedly.

“Did you miss the part where she is now a cannibalistic bloodsoaked psychopath?” I asked mockingly.

“No.”

“She’s about that bad. I don’t know if you have a scale for that kind of thing, but considering the extent of your adversaries before, I would think she’d be pretty high on the list.” I said simply.

“That’s pretty bad.” Twilight sighed and hung her head. “Okay. We need the three of you to come to Canterlot with us. You seem to be the only other survivors who ran into her. You up for it?” Twilight seemed rather hopeful. It would have been fun to disappoint her.

“Sure. When do we leave?” Glenn monotoned. Unfortunately, Glenn was quick on the draw when it came to going places with Fluttershy. I swear that pony was going to be single-handedly responsible for turning him straight. Who knows? Maybe being around a girl who would take a second glance at him would induce testicle growth and he would turn into a dude.

“Well aren’t you the classy one.” Glenn said flatly.

“We need to be on the train by sunrise. Meet the girls and I at the station.” Twilight then turned and trotted away.“Oh and uh, Kyle?” Twilight said over her shoulder as she hurried off.

“Yeah?”

“Maybe grab some new clothes. It looks like Nightmare killed you twice. If that’s even possible.” Then she turned and left. I looked behind me to see my two ‘friends’ were already disappeared into the land of some other damn place. Alone again. Naturally. I looked down at my outfit. I looked like I was shat on by life. When I was actually only pissed on by life. I was surprised my clothes were still clothes, they were cut, torn, ripped, and every other synonym for fucked that you could think of. They were also soaked in blood. I was wearing red clothes, even though they were white when I put them on earlier today. That was fucking gross. It was most certainly time for another new outfit. Hopefully I could stay out of trouble and keep them intact. Pfft, fat chance.

-------------------------------------

Rarity had nearly had a heart attack as soon as she saw me. I barely caught her before she hit the ground. I caught her. I promise. Definitely. Absolutely. She did not fall and hit the ground like a sack of potatoes. Anyway, when she woke up, she promptly pulled a travel bag out of somewhere and handed it to me. Apparently, Pinkie had come in and ordered ten new suits for me, and said something about dodging. Guess she just knew everything. Rarity also gave me a shoulder backpack, something about a tacky design from Pinkie. I changed into a ‘new’ outfit and headed back out the door for the train station. Nah just joking, I don’t make promises I can’t keep, and I don’t break ones I can, and I had a promise to keep to a certain sexy vampiress, who was also my wife.

As I walked up the stairs to her apartment, I thought about how I would convince her to let me go again. This would not be fun for the whole family. Here was the door. Already. Here we go. I knocked on the door and waited for someone to answer it. It was actually Vinyl this time. I would have thought she would be sleeping, but then it occurred to me that maybe she had been worried. She was right to be. I was literally the most irresponsible person on this planet. I had managed to get killed what, three times? By the same thing.

Vinyl’s face went from slightly depressed and worried looking to happiest mare alive in less than a second when she saw me, and I decided I would leave out the part about me getting gored by a bitch a few times. Usually not so beneficial to let family know you died a few times yesterday.

“I’m back.” I said simply. Vinyl smiled just a little wider. I smiled too.

Vinyl’s eyes were the size of the moon, she looked up at me with pupils that looked like they lit themselves. Without warning, she tackled me into the hallway, nearly strangling me in a hug. Her forelegs were around me, she was on top. All in all, not so bad.

“I’m so glad you’re back! I’ve been worried sick about you!” she said as she nuzzled my neck. It was a little unfamiliar to be nuzzled by a pony, but at least it was a good feeling. Getting stabbed gets old pretty fast.

“Did you come back to stay?” She asked sexily as rested her head on my chest and looked at my face. Ooh, right. *Suck in breath through teeth* there was some bad news coming her way.

“Yeah. About that...” I began hesitantly.

“What is it now?” Vinyl sighed out.

“I have to go to Canterlot.” I said quickly.

“Again?” She said slightly angrily.

“The Princesses need me for some sort of important job. I wouldn’t be going if it wasn’t.” Well, it wasn’t important to me per-se. Besides getting revenge, I wasn’t particularly fond of the idea. The fact that I was missing this was even more of a turnoff, but if I did nothing, then everypony here was quite possibly completely fucked, so for their sakes, and the sake of my own soul, I had to do this. Then again, who said you can’t have your cake and eat it too?

“Literally everyone dude. Also, nice job with the lady, you really are a caring guy when you’re not being a sadistic murderer.” Danny said into my brain.

‘Fuck that shit. Also, I need a big duffel bag.’ I said in my brain.

“How big exactly?” Danny asked.

‘It needs to be able to hold a pony. Oh. I also need sunglasses, a new gun, and another duffel bag. Also two more swords.’ I said as I finished my shopping list.

“You already have swords, guns, and sunglasses.” Danny said as if I was unaware.

‘The swords are too small and dinky, the gun isn’t for me, and I need real sunglasses if I’m going to go out into the shit again.’ I said simply.

“What kind of gun, swords and sunglasses are we talking about here?” Danny said conversationally.

‘I’m going to need two katanas, a .950 JDJ, fifty rounds of ammo, and a pair of plexiglass shooting glasses. And I also need a blanket, preferably polar fleece.’ It was like ordering from a catalogue, only you just had to wait like two seconds for shipping.

“Here you go dude. That is one hell of a gun by the way. It was ridiculous to pull that out of my pocket, just kept going and going. Anyway, why the fuck do you need all this stuff?” Daniel was already next to me. Fuck you Sears, I’d like to see you get shit here in three seconds or less.

“Vinyl is going with us, and she needs a gun, plus I hate the sunglasses I have now. UV rating of like four, and no armor protection? Yeah no.” I said simply.

“Why do you need the blanket and the other duffle bag then?” He asked as he turned his head and put his weirded out face on.

“I could also use some chloroform and a rag by the way.” I said normally. Like I hadn’t just asked for kidnapping and murder tools. *Looks accusatively at Casey Anthony.*

“We get it dude, that was fucking ridiculous, get over it. Anyway, here you go.” He said as he took a nondescript bottle and a clean rag out of his pocket. I opened the bottle and smelled it. It was definitely a chemical, but it didn’t affect me at all. Just as I had banked on.

“This isn’t chloroform dude. Here smell it, it’s just fucking vinegar.” I said as I handed the bottle back to him.

“What? How could my pocket get it wrong? *Sniff* This doesn’t smell like...Oooh you tricky dick.” Danny said as he passed out.

“Why did you do that exactly?” Vinyl asked quizzically. Though she didn’t seem to particularly mind that I had just drugged my own friend.

“Well it was either put you in the bag, or put him in the bag. I chose him. You should be thankful.” I said matter-of-factly.

“Aww. How sweet. I think. Anyway, how are we getting him there? Plus all those weapons you ordered? They check luggage now. You know that right?” Vinyl looked at me with uncertainty. If she only knew how my plans usually went down.

“Don’t worry about it. Just go pack.” I handed her the duffel bag with the weapons and my sexy sunglasses in them. I took the sunglasses and put them on. Like a boss.
“Vinyl came out a moment later with her classic goggles on. Nice.

“Okay I’m ready. So what do we do with this guy?” Vinyl said as she poked Danny’s prone form.

“I got it, don’t worry.” I said confidently. I grabbed him under the armpits and dragged him over to the plus-sized duffel. I set Danny down and lined the bag with the blanket, then picked Danny back up and put him in the bag. It took a moment to find the right position, but eventually I managed to stuff him in.

“You really know how to pack. You know that?” Vinyl said as I stood back and admired my handiwork: an overstuffed bag full of dude. I looked over at her, smiled, and nodded.

“He’s going to be one heck of a carry-on.” Vinyl spoke again. I let out a chuckle and picked up both of the duffel bags. Vinyl went back in to let Octavia know that Vinyl and I were going ‘out’ and that we may be a while. Waka waka. Then we left, three hundred kilograms of weapon, clothing, Danny, and God knows what else, in hand.

It turned out that the train station was actually a few miles away. I didn’t care, but it was hard to carry six hundred and fifty pounds of crap for about an hour over what could only loosely be described as road. When we finally made it to the train station, the sun was just peeking out above the horizon. Everyone else was already there waiting for us when we got there. Way to make us seem late ladies, and whatever Glenn was.

“Where’s Danny? And why did you bring Vinyl with you?” Twilight asked as we drew within easy talking range.

“He said something about teleporting there. Didn’t press the subject.” I said simply. I was getting too good at lying. Guess it was one of the ‘perks’ of vampirism.

“Er... Okay I guess. I’m guessing you want Vinyl to take his place?” She said perceptively.

“Since you’re offering...” I replied.

“Here. Just show this to the pony when we get on the train. And why do you have so much luggage?” Twilight spoke like I had never been on a train before. Bitch I was a train connoisseur when I was five.

“I know how trains work, and the luggage is equipment. If I am going into the shit again, I am going to be prepared.” I was not getting shown up by that fucking whore again. If Danny or I couldn’t waste her, hopefully Vinyl could put a .95 caliber in her face to shut that bitch up.

“Is this the kind of equipment that goes boom? Because they search your luggage before you go on. Just so you know.” Twilight said informatively.

“I got it. Let’s just go.” I said impatiently.

“Okay.” Twilight said hesitantly as she opened the door of the station to reveal multiple kiosks and lines of ponies waiting for trains. Apparently this was like taking a plane, only they hopefully wouldn’t be frisking anybody here. If they were, we might have a problem.

We waited in line for about an hour, during which time I was uncomfortably close to way too many ponies. Apparently my wife was also famous. So she was constantly swarmed by nerdy looking teenage ponies wanting autographs and asking about her new pet. Vinyl signed the autographs and managed to convince anypony who asked that I was her security guard. I kind of liked ‘pet’ better, it sounded more appropriate.

After sitting in fucking lines and listening to annoying ponies nagging my wife and the other girls about their notable exploits, we finally made it to security. Time for bullshitting. The security pony held up his hoof, and waved us all through. What a pity, I was hoping for something cool. Too bad.

“I guess Celestia told security about us.” Twilight said as we boarded the train without incident and prepared to go on our way. What happened to ‘they check luggage before you board’ and all that shit? Wait. Were we riding coach? She had money for gold inlaid palaces but couldn’t get us on first class? That cheap little fuck.

The four hour train ride to Canterlot was the biggest hell of my life. Why the hell did it seem faster when Danny and I just walked? Probably because it WAS. Vinyl had taken the corner seat, and I had ended up sitting next to Rainbow Dash the whole way. It was bad enough that she snored when she slept; and not one of those cute little snores either, we’re talking man with sleep apnia bad, but she fidgeted while she was awake. She was like that annoying fucking freshman you sat next to on the bus in highschool, the one that didn’t know the meaning of ‘too much AXE Excite body spray.’ In the end, I killed her. Not really. I did consider it, briefly, but still.

It was about ten o’clock when we finally arrived in Canterlot station. We passed through customs without incident, and made our way to the absolutely gratuitous and egomaniacal palace. A tower of lies if ever there was one. Mostly because I hated the fact that the princesses were, well, pussies. Well, at least we were there, now we could see what business they had for us, even though I could already guess the gist of it. Go learn some lesson in friendship and defeat a villain. You know, the usual kids’ show bullshit.

----------------------------------------------------

The door to the throne room towered over me like it was daring me to try. It was screaming ‘come at me bro’ like it was the shit. Fucking gilded doorknobs, golden gilt framework, silver hinges, stained mahogany, it was worth more than my damn house, and it was going the fuck down. I pushed the doors open to be greeted by crossed spears. Lots of fucking crossed spears. It was a show of power; a pointless show of power since I already knew how weak she really was, but a show of power nonetheless.

“Guards? Leave us.” Celestia said authoritatively. It was like Emperor Palpatine and shit, what with the whole “I don’t need no fuckng guards ‘cause I’m a strong, independant woman and shit.” Whatever the case, the guards dutifully left us alone. I stepped closer and set down the bags I was carrying. The girls and Glenn followed closely behind.

“Where is Daniel? I requested his presence as well. And who is this other mare?” It looked like Celestia was anxious to see him. How cute. Well, time to let the fuck out of the bag.

“He isn’t here? I thought he was just going to teleport here before us.” Twilight was a little too freaked out for what the situation warranted. It was Danny. Even if I didn’t know where he was, I still wouldn’t be scared. Danny was like Fidel Castro. He was never going to die. Even after everyone wished he would just croak.

“Well Twilight, I will admit, I have not been entirely honest with you.” I said as I bent over and unzipped one of the bags.

“What do you mean by that Kyle?” Twilight said through gritted teeth. She was a little pissed, and she was actually somepony that could, you know, do things. I was now realizing that this was a really dumb idea. Oh well, it was worth it.

“Well. I may have gotten a touch of whimsy and decided that I would play a prank on Danny.” I said hesitantly.

“This isn’t one of those kinds of pranks that involve locking people in basements filled with hungry alligators is it? ‘Cause those pranks are just plain mean.” Pinkie said matter-of-factly.

“Nope.” I said as I lifted Danny out of the bag and set him on the floor. The mane six and Celestia stared at me in horrified astonishment. Vinyl suppressed a chuckle. Glenn just shook his head and rolled his eyes. Danny was still out. That was what surprised me. I looked him over a bit, then gave him a kick in the ribs.

“Ow! You little fucker! You got me so good! I salute you sir, for outsmarting me momentarily.” Daniel said as he stood up and addressed me.

“Did you carry him as luggage the entire four hour trip?” Glenn asked flatly.

“Yeah he did. Little motherfucker got me with chloroform. Tricky bastard.” Danny said as he glared angrily in my direction.

“That was a pretty stupid plan.” Vinyl said thoughtfully as she looked up at me.

“Well, I’m sorry. I just thought you may want to go with me. By all means, stay home next time.” I offered sarcastically.

“Oh come on. You and I both know you did it so you could drug Danny and throw him in a sack.” Vinyl stated obviously.

“Maybe I just wanted to spend time with my wife. Did you think about that? Maybe I actually have a heart and care about things besides being a crazy dude. You know?” I ranted angrily.

“Aauuggh. We don’t have time for this.” Twilight groaned in annoyance.

“Seriously. Why were we here anyway?” Danny asked as he looked towards the princess. We all stopped and held a moment of silence as we remembered we were here for an actual reason.

The princess rose methodically from her throne and at last graced us with her countenance. How uptight. Celestia’s gaze swept across our little band for a good minute, her piercing eyes chilled me to the bone. I could almost forget she was completely useless in a fight as her laser eye vision went through me and gazed into my soul. Celestia’s eyes went wide as she looked closer at me. Princesses couldn’t see vampirism could they? Oh boy, this could get interesting. Or it could go very, very bad.

“Kyle.” Celestia said calmly. Here we go...

“Would you and Vinyl mind staying afterwards please?” Pffft. The fuck is this? I must have missed the part when she was my mother.

“Sure. Fine.” I said in minor annoyance. The last thing I needed right now was some weird ass shit starting because of some paranoid bitch.

“Still waiting on that answer. Just so ya know.” Danny said simply as he rose up and down on the balls of his feet.

“Right. Of course.” Celestia said as she broke from some thought induced stupor. She then continued. “As you are all aware, Nightmare Moon has returned.” She stated powerfully, as if I was supposed to gasp and be surprised. I did not, and I was not, neither was anyone else. Celestia had paused to let the words sink in, but finding we were already soaked, she continued speaking. “Her very existence is a clear and present danger to life as we know it, she must be stopped by any means necessary. To that end, I have summoned all of you here. What I ask is no easy task, but Nightmare must be destroyed at any cost. It will not be easy, Nightmare has amassed a cult of loyal followers, and they will protect her with their lives, and more.” She surveyed us for a moment, then prepared to speak again, before being inturrupted by me.

“Wait wait. Hold up. She has a cult? Like a ‘cult’ cult? The kind of cult filled with godless heathens and human sacrifice? I am so up for that. Urban espionage, interrogations, torture, assassination, home invasion, and just plain old killing. This is gonna be good, and I can have some bonding time with my wife! It’s like, the greatest win-win situation ever!” I was giddy as a guy with his first girl, and she was so hot.

“I’m not so sure that serial murder counts as bonding.” Vinyl said hesitantly.

“It matters not. What matters is that you do what is necessary and find Nightmare and her lieutenants.” Celestia said grimly.

“About that. Will we be getting any help?” Danny said quizzically.

“Yes. You have carte blanche for everything you need.” Celestia replied.

“Great. Awesome.” Danny said hesitantly.

“It means a blank check Danny.” I said simply.

“I knew that.” Danny said quickly.

“So did I. Yeah.You know. Cart bleaching and stuff.” Rainbow Dash said immediately after Danny.

“Split into teams, I need a group in Fillydelphia, a group in Marewaulkee, and a group here. Sort yourselves out.” Celestia said forcefully.

“Vinyl and I can take Canterlot.” I said to the rest. No one disagreed, so I figured we were sticking around here again. Sweet.

“When you have chosen your groups, see the guards waiting in the hallway, they will go with you to your respective destinations, and help you in case of any trouble.” Celestia said informatively.

It took awhile, but eventually everyone else was sorted, it appeared to me that it would be Danny, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie, and Applejack going to Fillydelphia, and the remainder going to Marewaulkee. That was going to be fun to hear about later.

“We’re ready princess.” Twilight said confidently.

“You are all dismissed. Good luck to you.” Celestia said authoritatively. The little living people and ponies all piled out, leaving Vinyl and I alone before one of the sovereign goddess-princess of a country full of ponies. I was not intimidated.

“You have set me a merry conundrum with your condition. I can’t just have little vampires scurrying about and eating my subjects. Vinyl was known to be a vampire, I was not aware she had created you. In fact, I was unaware your kind could be infected. Whatever the case, I can not simply let you go.” What bullshit was I hearing? My wife had a vampire license?

“Of course, I can’t just get rid of you either. So. What do you want me to do about this?” Oh here we fucking go. Parent intimidation rule number one: give them a choice. No way I was buying this shit. Grade is king in many things, and this was grade A+ bullshit.

“How about this.” I began evenly. “You owe me one for bailing you out of jail, and saving your ass. So what you should do, is leave my wife alone, and quit heckling me with this when I’m trying to help you.” I said frustratedly. I hid my anger for now, there would be plenty of not so innocent things to take rage out on later. If only I had known....

“I would remind you that you are speaking with royalty boy, and you will watch your tone when you speak to me. I would also remind you, that if you do not respect my station, the hangpony’s noose is always waiting for those who do not curb their insolence.” Celestia had by this time risen to her full stature, she was actually taller than me, which made sense since she was a horse, but still. It was actually rather impressive, but I had my own little rebuttal ready.

“I would like to remind you as well, my lady.” I said with as much venom as I could muster while being cordial. “That I have done more for your family than you have done for mine. I would prefer you extended me at least a modicum of confidence.” I finished more calmly as my patience returned.

“Very well, I am promoting you to the rank of lieutenant in the guard, and I appoint you your choice of one of my best ponies. To serve as your...”

“Babysitter?” I finished resentfully.

“Excuse me?” Celestia said quizzically, as if I didn’t know.

“I see your game. You want to promote me to a mediocre rank in your army, give me some cushy package deal with the white collars and underlings, all of it a facade that leaves me more a slave to you than I was before. By making me a guardsman; and more, an officer, you make me beholden to you directly, and by ‘your best guards’ you mean one that is loyal to you, and therefore one who will report everything I do to you directly. Everyone in my world always says ‘never look a gift pony in the mouth,’ but I see that yours appears to be lacking teeth.” I spoke with my chin against my chest, my eyes glaring angrily into hers as I pointed out her deception. Celestia stared in open mouthed shock.

“Nevertheless, I accept.” I said simply. If Celestia was shocked before, I don’t know if they have a word for what she was now.

“On one condition.” I said as I held up my hand index finger extended. “I want one of the night guards, and I would like to choose now.” I said cordially.

Celestia snapped out of her shock and thought carefully for a moment. “Very well. The guardspony barracks are out the door and to the left. I think you’ll be able to tell which one is the nightguard’s barracks. Dismissed.” With that, she waved a hoof and motioned for us to leave. I turned around and walked towards the exit, picking up the bag full of gear as I left.

I walked through the huge doors to find the hall empty, and I never even said goodbye. I wish I could say I was sad, but I wasn’t, so I won’t. I shrugged, and began walking down the hallway in the indicated direction. I had gone not two steps, when I was waylaid by a day guard in golden armor. So the usual meat basically.

“Sir. I assume you and the miss are the ones to be assigned to Canterlot?” He said methodically in a voice that could only be described as Imperial City guardsmanesque.

“She’s a missus, and yes, you assume correctly.” I said impatiently.

“I was to give you this letter as soon as you were out sir.” The guard said as he held out a sealed scroll.

“Thanks.” I said as I took the scroll from his hands. Two alicorns chasing each other in a circle, must be like that mail you get that says ‘open as soon as possible’ the letters you get excited over thinking they may be saying that your loaded in-laws just died and left you a shitload of money, only to find out that you instead owed Uncle Sam, or the Jolly Roger, or maybe the old Maple Leaf, or what have you, a bunch of money in back taxes.

I shrugged and opened it anyway, breaking the seal with one of my quickly growing talons... What the fuck? Nevermind, letter to read, worry about crazy shit later. The letter read as follows: At approximately 02:00 hours, unidentified ponies staged a raid on the house of a local businesspony, who was found dead at the scene. He and his family had been sacrificed in a macabre ritual that did not match with any known ritual sacrifice. However, when observed from the balcony overlooking the foyer where the act took place, it was found that the organs of the ponies formed a portion of the night sky on a certain night. The night of the red moon, which occurs once every 127 moons, when the midnight star and Ultima Equinum align in such a way that they perfectly reflect off the moon. The red dwarf stars create the illusion of a red orb in the sky, hence the name. The next Red Moon will occur four cycles from today (4/13/02) We now have good reason to believe they will strike on that night. Your mission should you choose to accept it, is to investigate Canterlot for cells of this cult activity, and stop it by any means necessary. A room has been provided for you at the Prim and Proper hotel. Ask for a Shining Scale at the front desk, they will provide you with your lodgings, and a sum of 10,000 bits, which should cover any additional expenses you may incur. Good luck Agent.

Note: This message will self immolate after exactly 45 seconds.

“Oh shit!” I yelled as I read the note at the bottom, and promptly through it away and jumped back. About three seconds later, the message was consumed by green fire. Turning it to ash in less than a second.

“What did it say?” Vinyl asked curiously.

“We’re staying at a hotel, and our job is to find some ponies. It actually sounds kind of fun.” I said excitedly. I was going to stay in a hotel with my wife, track down ponies and interrogate them, and drink champagne. This would be the best trip ever, but before I could do that, I had to go choose some spare blood and meat. Hopefully he was a little competent. Would be nice to not have an uptight little clonepony.

The guards stood at painfully straight attention, except for the Captains at the end, who outranked me. So fuck them. I would be lying if I said I didn’t see potential here. They seemed to have personalities (ponyalities?) of their own. Every once in awhile, I would hear a frustrated mumbling or a roll of the eyes as I walked up and down their ranks. I suddenly pointed my finger at one of them and said louldy: “You! What’s your name?”

“Hammershot sir.” He replied shakily.
“Get the fuck out. Now.” I said simply. I was not going to abide stealing names from Luna’s Story. The fact that he... hang on *Spoilers* Died did not help. So it was on to the next one.

“Who are you?” I asked as I looked at the giant of an earth pony in front of me. Maybe this guy would be a good companion.

“I am called Panzer Hoof.” He said in a roide up sounding voice.

“Bullshit! From now on your name is Gomer Pyle! Are you gay private Pyle?”

“Sir no sir.”

“Bullshit! I bet you could suck a hoofball through a straw!”

“SIr no sir!”

“Bullshit! I bet you would fuck Hammershot up the ass and not have the common fucking courtesy to return the favour!”

“Sir I am straight sir!”

“Bullshit! I bet your ass looks like a damn leaky jizz faucet! I bet you could take a dragon dick up your ass and not give him enough traction to finish! I bet Penmaker could jump down your asshole and play a game of frisbee with me!”

“What is a frisbee sir?”

“Don’t change the subject ass whore! We’re talking about your...Hehe... Your... bwahahahHAHAHA! Ahehehehehee *sigh* I’m sorry, I just can’t do it anymore. It’s just... To damn funny. Anyway, get the fuck out.”

“What’s your name son?” I asked as I knelt down in front of a Silver coated earth pony with a grey mane.

“I’m Silver Boulder sir. I’m uh... The new blood.” He said hesitantly.

“Perfect. You’re coming with me. Pack your bags. Oh, and uh, bring some dress clothes, and don’t forget your toothbrush.” I said mock-caringly.

“You son of a bitch.” I heard him mutter as the rest of the guards shared a laugh. I decided not to pull rank and have his ass. Figured it would be fun to see how the new guy worked under pressure. He was in for one hell of a hazing.

I walked up the stairs and out the doorway, leaning against the wall outside next to my wife as I waited for mr. new guy to pack his shit. He appeared a moment later in his full dress carrying a full duffel bag. Or was it a saddle bag? Saddle duffel bag? Whatever. A big bag was on his back.

“Are we going yet?” Vinyl asked impatiently.

“Yep. Just as soon as newbie here gets it moving.” I said as I looked down at the grey-haired goof standing next to me.

“I’m following you.” He said irritably.

“Alrighty then. Let’s get on with it. Onwards to Prim!” I said dramatically.

------------------------

“Here you are sir, a regular two bedroom.” The lady clerk at the check in said cheerfully. Something was off about what she said. Something... Oh right!

“That’s a nice joke you have there, but I want the penthouse.” I murmured methodically.

“I’m sorry sir, but prince Blueblood has that room reserved.” The female teller replied in the same annoyingly positive tone.

I stretched my arm until my hand was only a few inches from her face and Whispered confidently: “You want to give me the penthouse.”

“I want to give you the penthouse?” She asked slowly.

“You want to give me the penthouse.” I whispered again.

“I want to give you the penthouse.” The teller stated emptily.

“And you want to kick out Blueblood because he is an asshole.” I continued.

“I want to kick out Blueblood because he is an asshole.” She droned.

“You here that? She even believes it. Watch. *Ahem* Iron Sky was amazing.” I chuckled as I used my weird jedi mind trick thing. It was pretty damn funny. You know, cause Iron Sky was a shitty movie.

“Iron Sky was amazing.” She was like a mix tape, she copied shit someone else made. Ah, the times when people had to make illegal copies instead of using torrents. Anyway, time to check out the room.

---------------------------------------

I felt like a real life high roller as I stepped into the room. It was pretty much the best hotel room I had ever seen in my life. the main room was replete with a huge assortment of furniture; and also goddamned windows that would have to be shut because I was tired of having to wear sunglasses, but mostly it was the furniture that I cared about. It seemed like whoever had done the interior decorating for this room had had a near unlimited budget, the end tables were mahogany with gilded edging, the couch was red silk stuffed with goose down, there were chairs made of teak everywhere, and they weren’t even the centerpiece of the room, that title belonged to the huge bar in the near right corner to the doorway, but even that wasn’t all, there was also a giant subwoofer in the opposite corner of the room, a record player was hooked up to it, and there was a box of records next to it. The entire room somehow screamed party, and I couldn’t help but wonder if Blueblood was quite as green around the gills as he seemed to let on.

“Aww yeah! This is what I’m talkin’ about!” Vinyl shouted as she broke into a gallop and belly dived onto the scarlet couch.

“So, what? Did I get pulled here so I could have a wild party with a married couple?” Silver said skeptically as he looked around the room.

“Pffft. No! You’re here so Celestia can grade my performance after all this is over.” I said disdainfully.

“So we aren’t partying here then?” Vinyl seemed to deflate as she said the words. I was a little surprised at her, it was like she didn’t know me at all.

“Vinyl. We are in a high roller suite in the largest city in Equestria. Do you really think I don’t plan on parties? I am offended that you would even consider the idea of a lack of a party.” My tone was one of mock slight as I intoned the words.

“Sweet! This is gonna be the best! We should hit up some clubs first though, I still know some people around here from when I was a DJ in the Clop-Step. Place was amazing. I’ve never gotten crowds that lively since.” Vinyl was getting as crazy as Pinkie about this, she was obviously a mare of the night life. Unsurprising since daytime was kind of shitty.

“I feel like we’re forgetting something important here.” Silver stated blandly.

“What might that be?” I asked condescendingly.
“Weren’t we supposed to be doing something? A task or a mission perhaps?” Silver asked in annoyance.

“Oh right! We should talk about that with the people at the clubs. They would probably know something.” I said cheerfully. I was faking it of course, like I was really going to do that. I was a last minute kind of guy, so I wasn’t getting much done tonight.

“Right. Sure. Well, shouldn’t we be getting started?” Silver asked hopefully as he put his bag down and began rummaging through it.

“No. We’re going to sleep until nightfall, then we go out. It’s kind of a given when you go to a nightclub.” I said informatively.

“Fine.” Silver rolled his eyes and sighed angrily, muttering something under his breath. I chose to ignore him for now. It was time for sleep. I opened the door to what I assumed was the bedroom to reveal a huge room dominated by something that I could only really describe as an emperor sized bed. The entire extended family of a mexican could have slept comfortably in this bed. If Vinyl and I had a romp in here it would be like rolling through a field of heather. Where did that come from? I was losing it, time for a drink.

“Whoah! Is that a bed or did someone build a house in here?” Vinyl said in awestruck wonder as she looked at the enormous bed. “You thinking what I’m thinking?” Vinyl asked as she looked up at me with a dirty look. A good kind of dirty look.

Yes. No.