My eyes snapped open, I was still in the forest. How was I still clinging to any semblance of unlife? I had just had my organs ripped out by a giant hacksaw sword. I looked at my chest and saw what was probably the fifty-seventh most disturbing thing I had seen in my life. My body was still reconstituting itself, my ribs and spine cracked themselves back into place as my organs began growing back into their proper positions in my abdomen. I had been disemboweled by a saw toothed weapon and I was still alive. Fuck my unlife. My body still hurt like hell, every small movement was an agony of itself, but I was still going. I did my best to get off the ground, and I eventually managed to stagger upright.

"Hey dude. What's going on?" Danny asked casually.

'I just got disemboweled by a roided up Nightmare Moon! That's what's going the fuck on you bastard! Why is it that the one time it would have been helpful for you to be in my head you're off doing your own thing?" I raged angrily.

"Hold up, let me get this straight. You got disemboweled?" He asked quizzically.

'Yeah. You know what that means right? Where your internal organs aren't where they're supposed to be." I said with an impatient snarl.

"How was it?" He asked conversationally.

'Like bathing in magma.'

"Damn. So uh... Anything else?" Danny asked nonchalantly.

'Well let's see. How about the fact that the thing that almost tore me in half is probably within spitting distance of you right now.' I said angrily through my teeth, only in my mind.

"That sounds bad. So uh... How bad is she?" Danny said sort of nervously.

'Imagine we were to take Jeff the killer, and through some unholy alchemy fuse his broken mind with Freddy Krueger's and the most disturbing part of my psyche, and place it in the body of an alicorn princess. That would be about right.'

"Well, that's no good. I guess I better go wake up Glenn." Danny signed off my brain after that, and I assumed he would be completely useless from now on. I had to find that crazy bitch before she gutted someone who wasn't going to stitch back together. It shouldn't be too hard, I just had to follow her scent, through the sky. Son of a bitch.

I just had to think. What would the sworn enemy of the elements of harmony be doing in Ponyville? What reason would she have to come to the town of her mortal enemies? I wonder. Then I had it. She was here to recruit members to help her take over Canterlot. Why else would she have come in under the radar?

"Really dude? Please tell me you're just being sarcastic to yourself for some odd vampiric reason I don't understand." Glenn monotoned into my skull.

'Glenn? What are you doing in my head? I swear there has got to be a maximum occupancy in there somewhere." I was a bit frustrated now, another dude was in my head, the number of voices just kept growing. I would be batshit crazy by now if I didn't know who they were.

"Anyway, I'm pretty sure she's here for the elements of harmony. So you know, might want to get on that." Glenn always did speak softly, I just wish he carried a big gun. It would certainly help in this situation.

"I'm going to ignore that. Oh hang on just a second." For some reason I could still hear what was going on. Glenn walked over to something, messed around with something, then quickly moved away from whatever it was. "Okay, good news, I know where your nutcase is. Bad news is, she's looking right at me. To his credit, Glenn remained calm, he probably should have been freaking out a little bit more.

'Uh shit. Okay. Where are you right now?' I asked.

"At Fluttershy's.

'Listen to me. Okay? Take Fluttershy, and get the fuck out of there now. Just fucking run Glenn.' I said urgently. He had to get out of there. That girl was not someone to fuck with. I didn't want to think of what she would do if she got her blood-soaked hooves on Glenn, and if she got to Fluttershy... 'Glenn. Call Danny, I am on my way. Do not stay there. Run the fuck away.' I was worried. Hell, I was more than worried, I was a step shy of biting my fingernails. I was sprinting full tilt for Fluttershy's cottage.

"What about the animals? You and I both know she'd slaughter them." Glenn was picking the worst time to have a problem with running.

'Glenn. I can guarantee you that you and Fluttershy will die if you stay there.' I said solemnly

"Don't sweat it Kyle, I got this." Danny said confidently.

'Danny this is fucking serious! She isn't like Chrysalis where you can reason with her. She's a damn monster! She will kill you on sight even if she has no idea who you are.' I was pretty sure Danny didn't understand the gravity of the situation. That chick Vlad the Impaled me on a handsaw and laughed while I choked on my blood. This was a proper villain, and she was as evil as the Texas Chainsaw Massacre guy. Only bangable. Where did that come from?

"No idea, but it's okay, I'll be careful. I don't think she even knows I'm here. Oh wait, yeah she's smiling at me. Well, she's charging, better sit here and take out mah handcannons!" I heard a series of draconian roars as Danny let loose a volley of what sounded like comically oversized rounds. I had to get there fast, I had a hunch that bullets were not going to help. I willed myself to run even faster, but I was already at top speed. How far away was this damn place? And then on the horizon, I saw it, Fluttershy's. Finally.

As I ran closer, I saw the fight going on between Danny and that bitch Bloodmoon. Danny was using his secret, 'flail wildly until you win' tactic, while Bloodmoon was standing a few feet back, watching in mild amusement. As she shook her head and prepared to swat him aside, she saw me out of the corner of her eye. For a moment, she seemed surprised to see me, but then she smiled that shark tooth grin and stomped one foot on the ground slowly. She was clapping. What a little tart.

"So you managed to live? I don't see how. You were dead. What is your secret?" Her voice was so condescending, it was almost palpable.

"Have you been clopping or are you just happy to see me? How about you bend over so I can fuck you like the bitch you are." Insulting a minor deity was not a smart move, but hopefully Danny could stop being retarded and help before she managed to kill me... Again.

"Hah. I think I'll take my time with you. How would you like to be my little slave?" She was such a little floater, and she really knew how to set the mood. Slave? Really?

"Yeah how about no." I said quickly. That was a distinct impossibility.

"Pity. I guess you'll have to die then." She said almost sadly.

"I already did, I didn't much like it. Turns out death is highly overrated." I spoke calmly, I was in my element again. The world was slowing down again, I saw everything with startling clarity. I could count every blade of grass, pick out each hair in Bloodmoon's coat. Bloodmoon however, was not so affected by my enhanced perception, when she moved, it was fast. I barely had time to get back before her wingblade cut a gash across my chest. She was quick, easily as fast as me, if not faster. She followed through on her swipe until her backside was pointing towards me, I saw what was coming only just in time to keep from being injured internally. Her hooves lashed out in a powerful buck as I jumped back, but she was so fast that her hooves still managed to glance me. The blow sent me flying back ten feet. She barely touched me, but it still felt like she broke a few ribs. It was then that I realized I was outclassed. I probably should have figured that after she tore me apart in less than a second the last time we met. It seemed I had found the one alicorn with any sort of combat experience, and go figure she was a psychotic butcher.

I hit the ground and rolled back just as she sent her wingblade in a downwards arc that would have torn me in half. I pushed down with my arms and ended up on my feet, just in time to see her jump-flying towards me. I did a heavily improvised forward dive and went into a roll. I followed through about 180 degrees before pushing down with my hands while extending my legs. She saw it coming and managed to dodge the worst of the blow. I succeeded only in grazing her. It was probably about as bad as a love tap for her. I righted myself in the air and came down on my feet, I twirled to face her again. There was a lull then, she was superior, she could afford to take her time. She was playing games with me. It was the most annoying thing ever to know that some stupid bink was fucking around with me.

We faced each other for a time, neither one of us moved, we didn't even blink, we just stared into each-other's eyes. This was something pure, I could feel her eyes boring into me, trying to read me, as I did the same. We were both interrupted however, by a completely pointless and distracting yell. We both looked towards the source of the noise to see Daniel moving in slow motion. Seriously? Bloodmoon glanced at Danny for a second, then looked back to me. "Really?" She said simply. I just shook my head. The direction he was coming from meant that I could never reach him before she did. Danny was so fucked. Danny was still moving agonizingly slowly as he dived forward to tackle Bloodmoon. She swung her wing out contemptuously and neatly removed his head. The body, rather than simply falling down, promptly exploded into... Cherry marmalade? Bloodmoon coughed and spluttered as she spit bits of cherry out of her mouth and wiped it out of her eyes. "I hate cherry." She said lividly.

"Sup beaaaaatttchhh!" Danny was suddenly directly in Bloodmoon's face, and he let go with the most absolutely wicked right uppercut I have ever seen. His fist was actually on fire. That magical little son of a bitch had actually managed to surprise her. His uppercut didn't seem to have the desired effect though, as Bloodmoon remained firmly fixed to the ground looking very angrily into Danny's eyes, and away from me. I sent a vicious kick into Bloodmoon's underbelly, driving the breath from her lungs and catapulting her off the ground. Danny followed through on my attack and again landed a fist onto her lower jaw, he may have been slower, but in this case, it didn't matter. Danny summoned two more marmalade clones, each one did an upwards high kick, and each simultaneously said half of Danny's name. Bloodmoon flew even higher into the air, I knew what was coming next. Bloodmoon managed to get her wings spread, and was about to fly back, but she was late, the real Danny was already above her, and he removed a comically oversized sledge hammer from his pocket. "Levandowski barrage!" He yelled as he quite literally brought the hammer down.

The sight of Bloodmoon being hit in the face with a giant hammer was something I wish I had been able to take a picture of. It was easily the most comical sight that day. Danny appeared next to me, cracking his knuckles and admiring the crater he had made in Fluttershy's yard.

"Well, I guess that's that." He said as he rubbed his hands together and walked away. I turned to follow him, and promptly took a blade in the back. "Gah! Fuck! Why the hell is it always me?" I yelled as I fell to my knees and again became acquainted to the taste of my own blood.

"I think it's because you can take a dagger to the lung without dying." Danny said matter-of-factly.

"Fuck off your shit you bitch!" I yelled as I turned to look at Bloodmoon and the throwing knife lodged in my back. I grabbed the handle and pulled it out. Fuck that hurt. I looked at the knife, still coated in my blood, and licked the blade before I could stop myself. The edges of my vision went red as I cleaned the knife of my blood.

"Dude. You are well and truly losing your shit." Danny said as he watched me.

I turned and regarded him, he said later that my irises went completely black, while my pupils glowed with an infernal red light. It sounded pretty badass to be honest, and also demonic. Perhaps I was the monster people saw.

"Ah. Now I see what you are. Monster. You are just like me. You have tasted blood, and it is sweet. But now I ask you, have you tasted flesh?" Bloodmoon smiled and walked towards us. I came to my senses then, this wasn't me. Well, not the me I had a desire to be. Not now.

"I'm going to kill you. You crazy whore!" I yelled as I attacked her with the small knife. She easily dodged my attacks, cackling with insane glee as I futilely launched blow after useless blow. I couldn't hit her, I had no finesse. I was angry, and it got the best of me, I was doing little more now than providing a source of amusement. I was doing jack shit, and it sucked. Danny though, that bastard, bless his crazy soul, took advantage of my anger and managed to land a solid punch to her face. He never saw the wingblade coming towards him, but I did. I could have blocked it, I would have, should have in fact, but I didn't, I had to wound her at least once. I pushed Danny out of the way and slashed her across the flank, the cut was long, and deep. Blood gushed messily onto me as her wicked serrated blade slammed into my abdomen again, but it was different this time, a cutting wound, a ripping wound. A mortal wound. I wimpered in pain as I felt the blade stop at my spine, I had come about three inches shy of carved in two. Bloodmoon grunted as my blade carved across her right flank and side. I was thrown off of her blade from the force of her blow, and I flew back and landed in a bloody mess. Fuck that hurt. If she hadn't fucked my lungs in the face again I would have given her the immense satisfaction of hearing me cry out in pain, but it didn't happen, and she was again cheated. How sad.

"I should really stop cutting your lungs. I would really love to hear you scream." She said angrily. "As it stands though, I'll have to settle for hearing your friend cry like a filly." She said as she turned towards Danny. She prepared to pounce on Danny, but then happened to look up. "Damn it to tartarus!" She said angrily as she looked at the moon. "We will continue this later." She snarled angrily, clearly wishing to finish us off here, but bound by something else more important. "I had hoped to destroy the bearers first, but no matter. I can always come back later." With that, she was gone. Disappeared to God knows where.

Danny ran over to me and saw that I was still alive, or at least, conscious. "Holy shit dude. How are you still alive?" He said as he saw my wounds. I couldn't speak, my lungs were full of blood again. All I could manage was to spit up a globule of blood and glare at him angrily. He unfortunately didn't notice, unsurprising since he was looking at the giant chunk of body missing from my abdominal cavity. 'Hell of a weight loss program.' I thought to myself. "Dude." Danny said as he shook his head. "This is fucking crazy." I turned my head towards him and glared as angrily as I could. I coughed up another cup of blood. Fuck this shit sucked.

It took a minute, but soon enough I could feel a deviation from the normal pain into a more reassuring one. I could see my body knitting itself back together. Eventually, I was able to get up again. I looked at the place where my wound used to be, nothing. Much better.

Danny was obviously fascinated by this as well, and was staring open-mouthed at me. "Dude." He said. "You are so fucking OP! This just isn't fucking fair man!" He shouted as he turned away.

"Firstly, your welcome, since you would have died if I hadn't saved your ass. Secondly, you made a bunch of clones and pulled a giant hammer out of your pocket, not to mention the fact that you summoned a 747 passenger liner and the largest conventional weapon known to mankind. You can possess bodies with your mind, use instant teleportation spells with no charge times, and make your fist light up with magical fire. How am I overpowered because I have the power to just go through near indescribably horrible pain instead of dying? Quit being a bitch and go see if Glenn made it out okay." I was feeling pretty damn unappreciated right then, it seemed no matter what I did someone was bitching about it.

Danny thought for a moment about what I said. Then he spoke. "Yeah that seems fair. I'll stick with not getting hit, and you can go about feeling intense misery every time you fail to dodge. Also, Glenn is fine. He and Shy are in the basement." Danny said as he walked towards the house.

"Think we should try to find out what the hell's going on?" I yelled to Danny as he walked slowly towards the house.

"Maybe later. Right now, I am going to play a game of Clue with Glenn." Danny said as he took the game box out of his space defying pocket.

I sighed. Then shook my head. What a damn day. I had my heart exploded twice, found out I was a vampire, found out my wife was a vampire, it was like some God-forsaken sitcom. I sat down in the grass and promptly fell onto my back. I looked at what was left of my clothes. They were fucked to shit. The whole suit had started out white, now it was red with blood, pretty much all of it mine. Aside from that, there were two enormous tears in the shirt and coat for where I had been stabbed and slashed, both by the same pony. I was running through outfits like copy paper, at this rate, I would need a new clothing set every day. Fuck that shit. Hopefully we wouldn't be hearing from that bitch Bloodmoon for a while. I sighed again, and as I looked over, I saw the knife I had used to cut Bloodmoon. The blade was still red, the blood was fresh. I could see my vision going red around the edges. I put my hand on the hilt, and lifted it slowly to my face. I ran my tongue across the edge I had used to cut her with, and tasted the sap of her veins. It was sweeter than honey. I could feel my strength returning from just that one taste. My strength returned, and then some. I was even better! I jumped to my feet. Impossibly going from lying on my back to standing on my feet without even using my arms. I still held the knife, and I greedily drank the rest of her blood from the cold edge of the knife. I had to find that bitch, feed on her. Then I could be strong. I shook my head, realizing what I had just done, what I had been thinking. This was not good. I was growing obsessed with the blood of my enemy, and not just to spill it, if that somehow made it less horrible, but to drink it. Fuck. I needed a drink... No I didn't.

"Fluttershy! Fluttershy come quick! The princess ne- Kyle?" Twilight Sparkle was here for Fluttershy. What a convenient distraction. I put the knife in my back pocket and waited for Twilight to trot over to me. "Whoah!" She hesitated as she got closer to me. I must have looked like hammered shit, what with the multiple fractures, cuts, bruises, and ragged ugly gashes I had suffered, she must have been wondering how the hell I wasn't injured. "What happened to you?" Twilight asked, horrified by my appearance.

"I uh. I had an... altercation." Damnit! Should have been specific. Now she'd press the subject.

"An altercation... with a Cerberus?" She asked quizzically.

"No. It was a... ah thing." Fuck! Blow it some more why don't you?

"It doesn't matter. We have a problem." She said ominously. Just what I needed to hear. Another Goddamned problem that we would be roped into somehow. Because deep down inside, the three of us craved adventure. Except Glenn because he wasn't retarded like Danny and I.

"What's wrong this time?" I asked exasperatedly. Might as well get it out of the way now.

"Nightmare Moon is back!" She said this like I should be surprised. After I had already had two intimate encounters with her giant saw blades, now they warned me. I couldn't help myself, I had to call Danny. I just called him in my head and he was there.

"What do you want dude? And how did you even reach me?Danny said in mild surprise.

"Firstly, I have bad news. I think we may be forming a telepathic link. Secondly, Twilight has some interesting news she wants to share with both of us." I said these words with evident anger. I didn't want to leave anything to Daniel's face fucked imagination.

"So what was the bad news again?" Danny said from beside me.

"Gah! How'd you get here so fast?" Twilight jumped in surprise. Clearly not expecting him to appear so fast.

"Magic. Only way to travel. What news did you have again?" Danny asked quickly.

"Nightmare Moon is back!" Twilight said that so dramatically, I just hoped Danny saw the humor like me.

"Kyle?" Daniel asked quietly in my head.

'Yeah.' I said as a statement.

Both of us shouted in her face in unison:

"You don't fucking say!"