I walked aimlessly through Ponyville as I pondered what the fuck I would do with myself. I stared at my Casul yet again as I walked. 'No' I thought. I wasn't nearly desperate enough for that. It was going to take a lot more than zoophillia to get me to off myself. Wait a second, Zoofillya: The act of copulation with an underage horse. That was going in Urban Dictionary when I got back. Anyway, back to being sorry for myself.

As I continued to think about how my life had gone from comedy act, to comedy film, to straight up X rated movie, I began to lose track of where my skulking was taking me. As I finished, I looked up and saw that my moping had taken me back to Rarity's shop. I shrugged and moved to walk in. I figured it would be only slightly more terrible to deal with a hopeless dramatic than to deal with my mental insecurities on my own. Who knows? I might even be able to take my mind off my insanity inducing life. Nah, wistful thinking. I knocked on the door. A male voice hesitantly told me to come in.

I hobbled into the Carousel like an old man. I was pretty sure that physical magic shit was killing me. Even though it looked like I had gained about twenty pounds of muscle and lost thirty pounds of fat, I still felt sore after doing all that stuff from before. Then again, I had eaten what. Three meals? In the last three days. Anyway, I walked in expecting to see a purple haired marsh mellow pony making clothing, what I saw instead was Big Macintosh sitting alone at a table, his eyes darting nervously this way and that. Nothing suspicious here. Oh! What have we here? Tea? Tea is pretty shit, but I would drink just about anything to get the taste of TNT, changeling blood, and dust out of my mouth, it tasted like fruitcake. I poured myself a glass and took a dainty little sip. It was like that sweetened tea your mom always orders at restaurants. That shit that's only good if you order it in the south. It was not wholly unpleasant, but I could only hazard a guess as to why anyone in their right minds would drink it hot, at least I assumed it was hot at one time. it was about room temperature now. Which meant it was basically sugar water that someone left sitting on a table too long. I gulped the rest like a shot and went over to sit next to Mac. It was probably time to apologize for having sex with his sisters.

I took my seat in the chair, wondering why this scene was familiar, and also why these chairs seemed designed for humans. Mac was fidgeting and eyeing me peculiarly as I rested my arms on the table. I noticed he seemed to be sweating. It wasn't that hot was it? Come to think of it, I was feeling pretty warm now. And then the floodgates opened. You know that feeling you get in your head on a hot day? That pulsing in your skull where it feels like all the blood in your body is going to your brain? Imagine that, but in your... hang on a moment.

*click* *pause* *click* *click* *click* *pause* *click*

There we go. MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH! Now the final barrier is undone! Prepare yourselves, for you are about to witness HELL!

Imagine that feeling, but in your dick. I only now saw the empty tea cup in front of Mac. Whelp, fuck my life even more than ever before. I recognized this plot. Anyone who has weird friends or is weird also knows this plot. Which meant that we should be seeing it advance right about... Fluttershy walked through the door. Now. She was closely followed by Glenn. Oooh, plot twist, I like it.

"Glenn, would you mind taking Fluttershy somewhere else?" I said through gritted teeth.

"Why?" Glenn asked curiously. "I came here to help Fluttershy help Rarity do things."

"Because Pastebin Glenn." I replied evenly. Glenn's eyes showed immediate recognition and he turned to Fluttershy.

"Well, it's obvious Rarity isn't here, so I guess we had better be going." Glenn spoke quickly as he grabbed Fluttershy's hoof and got ready to get the fuck out.

"Wait. Uhm. Where are we going?" Fluttershy asked as she was dragged out the door.

"Oh I know about this awesome place just over there called 'not here'. We should probably go make sure there aren't any suffering animals there." Glenn said quickly as he opened the door, flashed me a quick two finger Han Solo salute and bugged out. The door slamming shut behind him.

I let out a sigh of relief that was echoed by Mac. No unconsensual sex was going down here. Wait a second. What if... "OH SHIT!" I yelled as I ran for the door, my throbbing... eh whatever, still not going down. Must be some goddamn Viagra in that shit. I had my hand on the handle. thedoorhandle! In less than a second. Then I stopped and realized I didn't have the first clue where Sweet Apple Acres was. I turned back and asked Mac: "Can you give me directions to Sweet Apple Acres?"

"N-nope." Mac replied shuddering.

"Why not?" I asked earnestly.

"Cause you and ah both know why yer goin' there. An' ah ain't lettin' it happen." Mac replied stubbornly.

I let out an angry hiss through my teeth and ran out the door anyway. Everyone knew each-other in this Godforsaken town, so finding directions didn't end up being too hard. I just had to show Lyra my hands to settle a bet and I was off. I was tired and breathing hard when I got to the entrance of Sweet Apple acres. I didn't see Applejack or the fanonical guards, which meant time was short, or gone. Time to start praying.

I was in full sprint towards the broken down barn. I made it to the door in ten seconds flat. Considering it was a quarter mile, I'd say I did pretty well. I peeked through a gap in the rotten boards and saw the three guards and Applejack, as I had been expecting. They had already progressed to the frisking stage. Which meant that I didn't have long before they... One of them said something about "the hard way" and they all moved to hold the loveable bumpkin pony down. Fuck. Well, nothing for it. "Vos tantum iterum vivere." I muttered as I knocked on the door. I could have kicked it in and done some awesome catch phrase, but I was tired, so no.

"Who is it?" I heard one of the guards ask harshly.

"Uhh... Equestrian Farmer's Registration Bureau. I am here about an expired farming license." Time to impersonate someone important again. I heard one of the guards clopping towards the entrance. Here we go. THe door opened and a club cutie marked guard looked at me with a livid glare.

"We are here on orders from Celestia herself. You will not interfere until we are finished with our investigation... What the hell are you anyway?" The guard asked gruffly.

"I already told you, I am with the EFRB. I am here about an expired license. This directly and immediately effects government profit and must be dealt with as soon as possible." More bullshit. That didn't sound even remotely legitimate, but I'd say I did pretty well for a dude with a painfully throbbing erection who hasn't eaten in like a day, and who wasn't even the persuasive talker guy. If only Danny were here to help me bullshit my way out of this.

"Don't sweat it man, I got this." Of course, Danny was now here. Magically. Whelp. Should be okay.

"You are?" The guard asked in confusion.

"My partner and I are with the Celestian Secret Service." Danny flashed them a badge. "You have thirty seconds to vacate the premises before you are arrested for treason against the crown. Time begins now." Danny brushed the rim of his hat and pulled out a stopwatch.

"You can not be serious." One of the guards holding Applejack down said.

"Twenty seconds." Danny said calmly as he took out a Makarov PM and began attaching a suppressor to it.

"Seriously?" The other guard said incredulously.

"Ten seconds." Danny pulled back the slide. I took out my own weapons and let my arms hang at their sides. The guards still didn't take the hint.

"Nine." Final countdown begins.

"Eight." The guards stood up.

"Seven." Now they were moving to the door at the other end of the barn.

"Six." Danny pointed his weapon at the guard in the doorway.

"Five." The guards broke into a full sprint and were out the other door before Danny hit four.

"Nice rhymes bro. Whelp, I guess I'll be going now." Danny said simply.

"Thanks man." I said.

"No sweat, but next time you call for me while you have a boner, I will shoot you in the dick." Danny said seriously. Well, that was sure inspiring. I turned back to where Applejack was standing back up and brushing the hay off her hat and out of her mane.

"You okay?" I asked.

"ah'm fine, considerin' what they were about to do." Applejack said as she placed her hat back where it belonged on her head.

"Good. Talking to a rape victim would be awkward for all concerned." I said.

"Gee thanks. Ah'm glad yer such a carin' guy." She said sarcastically.

"I'm glad you're alright." I said sincerely.

"Aww. Ain't that sweet." Dammit. I hate it when people call me sweet.

"Well. I have to go." I said earnestly. I had two more ponies to help. Er was it three? Nah. It was just Rainbow and Twilight.

"What about Pinkie?" Danny's voice echoed in my head. Fuck. I don't even like Pinkie that much.

"Kyle." Danny said simply. I let out an exasperated sigh.

"Uh. You feelin' okay big guy?" Applejack asked worriedly.

"Yeah I'm fine. It's just that this shit is kind of well, lousy."

"Yeah. Well, iffin y' ever need to blow some steam, just come on over. Ah'd be happy ta help how ah can." The way she winked at me and flashed that sexy grin left little to the imagination. It is not pleasant to be teased while you have a boner. Plus I was married. Whatever. It was time to go. Before that little fuck Pokey had his way with Pinkie. When I got there, I was going to kick him right in his man labia. Not because I didn't like him, I wasn't nearly as mad abut Pinkie as I was about Fluttershy, but he sounded like a real dick, so kick it was. I turned to leave.

"Y'all wouldn't happen ta need a little... suga' would ya?" I turned and saw Applejack staring at me with half lidded eyes that screamed: "Tapthattapthattapthattapthattapthattapthattapthattapthattapthattapthattapthat." Daniel was in my head again. That son of a bitch. "Tap that dude." Danny was saying into my brain.

'I have been married for all of seventy two hours and you are already telling me to cheat on my wife. You are literally like the devil. Shut the fuck up.' I thought back to Danny.

"You're a real good husband you know that?" Danny said sincerely. I was past listening to him.

"Applejack, you do know I'm married right?" I asked.

"Oh. Uh... Well... I uh... Gottagobucksomeapplesbye!" She was gone in a flash. Best way to clear a room of bachelorettes. Ever.

"Smooth move Cassanova."

"Whatever. I gotta go." I was off for Sugarcube Corner in a flash. No plans would come to fruition while I was around.

I rushed through the streets of Ponyville in a mad dash, I had to get to Sugarcube Corner fast, and if that meant that a few people were inconvenienced, then that was okay.

"I admire your dedication, but that is a seriously dick move." Damn that blonde magician. I couldn't get away from him no matter how fast I ran. Fuck it. Just get to Pinkie's, kick Pokey in his fucking dick, then get out. Simple plan.

I reached the door of Pinkie's and nearly tore the door off its hinges as I opened it. There was a party being set up, just like the story. Now where was... There was Pinkie. She looked distinctly not raped. Which was good. She was sitting there opening a gift. Probably that cunt Pokey's. Er well, Rarity's, but whatever. I could vulva kick that stupid crazy bitch later. Right now, there was a douche that needed to be cock-busted by my booted foot. I stopped to look at the present Pinkie was opening. She finished unwrapping it and took out its contents. She looked at all the items and read through the pages of the little manual that came with it.

"Hey! I know this game! Me and Danny played it at the party! Only he was the one tied down. Hmm. Maybe we could play again!" And like that she lost me. I just could not do this anymore.

"Dude. That is awesome. Me and Pinkie played BD..."

'Just shut the fuck up. Okay? I know Danny. I fucking heard it. I know you and Pinkie played games together. I got it. I don't fucking need you to narrate every disturbing thing I hear. You fucking cunt.' I was beyond even anger. I only managed an even tone. Of course, it was in my own head. So I couldn't really modulate it.

"Calm your penis Kyle. I was just saying. Also, I lost the game." Danny replied.

'I just do not care Danny. Who even plays the game anymore?'

"I don't know. But just in case. Ahem. THE GAME That is all gentlemen and ladies.

Pokey walked out of the bathroom, shaking his head to get the excess water off of his face from when he had washed it. He did not expect me. I was like the Spanish Inquisition. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. My booted foot hit his balls like an acme anvil attached a Saturn IV rocket. He literally flew into the air from the force of the blow. As he hit the ground, he let out a pained moan. He then proceeded to roll around and cradle his nuts as he moaned in pain.

"Why Kyle." Pinkie said flatly.

"He's an asshole. Also, fuck the police." I replied.

"Yeah! Anarchy! Nihilism! Fuck the police! Screw you government! You fat bloated fascist plutocrat pigs!" Pinkie was getting very absorbed. It was probably time to go. I shook my head and made for the door.

"Hey wait! You wanna smoke some weed with me?" Pinkie asked innocently. Her face looked hopeful. How could I say no?

"No." I said as I walked out. That kids, is how you say no like a baws.

I only had two ponies left. Twilight and Dash. I didn't have to worry about them until later though, so I might actually be able to get some quiet. Also, I still had a raging erection. I had to go find some ice. Or maybe I could find my wife? Well, I should put that on my list either way. Wait a second, I could go get ice at my wife's house. Brilliant!I made a quick stop at Twilight's house, got directions to my wife's apartment, then I quickly made my way there.

I had been expecting something shitty, like the prospects, but this was better. It reminded me of the condos near my house. Nice middle class residences. I shrugged and made my way to the gate. A security pony greeted me through the gate and asked my business.

"I'm here to see Vinyl Scratch." I said politely.

"Reason?" He asked.

"She's my wife." I said simply.

"Can you prove that?"

"I have my wedding band." I held up my wrist. I had never taken it off.

"Alright, you can go in, but if I get a complaint, your ass is out." He said. He walked over and unlocked the gate, allowing me in. I made my way up to the apartment number I had been given. Apartment sixty-nine. Hah hah. Yes that is a fake laugh you jerk. I knocked on the door. Waiting patiently for Vinyl to open it. I was surprised to be greeted by Octavia. Why was I surprised? No damn clue.

"Why hello there Kyle! It is very nice to see you again." Octavia said politely.

"Good afternoon Tavi. I was hoping you could-"

"What did you call me?" Octavia said angrily. Right. She hated the nicknames thing. Damn you Dennis. You lied to me.

"I said Miss Octavia." I lied. Forgive me father for I have sinned to protect the wholeness of my testicles.

"Oh. I thought you said something else. Anyway, Vinyl is in the shower. Why don't you come in and sit down." Octavia said politely. She opened the door and allowed me inside. I was immediately struck by the immaculate state of affairs inside. Everything was crisp and clean. I left my shoes at the door so as not to get even a speck of dirt on the ridiculously well kept white carpeting. White carpet had never sounded like a good idea; it seemed to invite stains with promises of parties and cake, but this was so clean I could see why people would want it. I went over to sit on the black leather couch. Now this, this was good. I could just lay my head back, relax, and watch my wife come out of the bathroom still wet and completely undressed. Wait.

I sat my head back up. Sure enough, there she was. The mare of my dreams. I think. Anyway, she was pretty damn hot. what with her shaggy blue hair, blood red eyes, and vampyric canines. *sigh* Dennis, when I find you, I will stab you to death with a plastic cup. How will I do that you ask? How is a plastic cup sharp? It isn't, and that is the entire point. No pun intended. Vinyl licked her teeth and sauntered over to me, oblivious to Octavia's angry shouts that she dry off and stop getting water everywhere. It was kind of funny actually, and damn if it wasn't hot. You know what Dennis? Nevermind. If I find you, I am going to give you a big sloppy kiss and tell you you are the most brilliant author in history.

My apparently vampiric wife trotted her wet sexy ass straight over to me, and sat in my lap. Oh shit. Hope she didn't notice my boner. Oh well, whatever, if she got my clothes wet, totally worth it. As I looked closer at her face, I began to wonder how I missed that she was a walker of the night. It was kind of noticeable, and even if I had been too blind to see it, you would think Glenn or Danny would have noticed.

"What brings you here honey?" I could honestly get used to that. The voice alone was worth it.

"I came to see you." I meant it. Giggity

"Oh you're so cute. My little vampire man." She said affectionately as she nuzzled my neck. I barely noticed it. I was too busy reeling from what she just called me. If she made me a vampire, there was going to be some hell to pay.

"Uh. Could you hold on just one moment? I have to go use the bathroom." I said as I lifted her off me and made my way to the restroom. Once there, I looked in the mirror. I was planning to look and see if I had elongated canines, but what I saw was worse. Or rather, what I didn't see. I didn't see myself. I had no reflection. I was nosferatu, and I hadn't noticed until now. I was so out of touch.

"You're a vampire now? Well, that would explain your enhanced physical ability, and your weakness. You haven't fed bro. You need blood now. Also, you are now the dream of almost every woman in existence. How do you feel?" I was heartened to know that Danny didn't give a shit. Well, not really.

'I think I'm just gonna throw up in the toilet now.' I thought to myself as I lost my guts. Not much came up. Just a bunch of sour bile that stung my throat and left a bitter taste in my mouth. I coughed and sputtered for about five minutes before wiping my mouth with my sleeve and standing up again. I drank some water from the faucet and washed my face until I was presentable again. This wouldn't be so bad, considering all the other things, this was like an improvement.

I stepped to the door, took a deep breath, and walked out. Being a foul demon of the night might not be so bad. I already slept all day and partied all night on a regular basis, going full time wouldn't be too much of a stretch. I would only have a problem if they tried for a reality show back home. That would be fucking stupid.

-----------------------------
Wherever the fuck TLC's headquarters is:

A well dressed, middle aged man staggered and fell off his shaking knees into a waiting chair. He rubbed his head and moaned.

"What's wrong? Are you feeling okay?" Another younger man in a suit asked.

"I don't know." The older man said. "I felt a... disturbance. As if something has just happened that could generate millions of teenage viewers and billions of dollars in sponsoring."

"What is it? What could cause something like this?" The younger man asked, shaking the older's shoulders as he looked in his eyes.

The man returned his look with wide eyes. "A vampire." He said ominously, before falling to the floor dead.
-----------------------------------------
Back to reality.

I walked back to the couch and sat next to my wife. I put my arm around her and she rested her head on my shoulder. This was nice. Sure, I would now have to drink other people's blood and shit. Not to mention the fact that 'normal people' would hunt me. Wait a second. Who would care? Most normal people watched vampire movies. People loved Blade, Hellsing, Twilight. Who was going to hate me? Christians? The Bible never mentioned vampires, none of them would care. Muslims? Who gives a shit about their opinions anyway? Far as America was concerned, they were annoying misogynistic terrorists. Catholics? They were assholes anyway. Who liked Catholics? Other Catholics, and even then, plenty of Catholics ended up becoming agnostics and atheists because of how fucking retarded and assholish the Cathoic church was. Let the pope condemn me. Mouth of God my ass. All popes were, without exception, senile, boy loving, diaper wearing old bags. Oh yeah. I was going to have my damn fun. I was going to sit with my undead wife, I was going to cuddle her, and I was going to enjoy it.

I lay my head down on top of hers, and let her wet hair get in my face. Her fur was still damp, and the wetness started soaking through my clothes. I didn't care. I was truly happy for the first time in a while. I felt an unfamiliar little flutter in my chest, and an urge, I had to be close to her, I didn't want to ever let go. I could stay like this forever. I wrapped both of my arms around her slender form, she was softer than any pillow, and more beautiful than anything else in the world. I could feel her chest expanding and contracting every time she breathed. I could feel her warm breath against my neck. I felt the heat from her body soaking into me along with the water in her coat, and I briefly wondered why she still had body heat when she was a vampire, but I wasn't about to complain. Over time her breathing slowed, and I realized she had fallen asleep. The knowledge that she trusted me so, enough to fall asleep in my arms, the feeling was like a thousand Julys. It was indescribably evocative. It wasn't even as if it was arousing, it was just... good. I couldn't help but smile. My real smile. It wasn't my evil smile, my false smile, it wasn't even the smile I had when I took momentary happiness from a jest, or a joke, it wasn't an amused smile. This smile was joyful, happy, The feeling isn't something that I could describe, or wanted to. If I put it to words, I felt I would ruin what it was. My heart was lighter. I felt like I could float out of my shoes. I felt so... emotional, I wanted to laugh, cry, dance, and weep all at once. If it was possible, I got even closer to the object of my affection. I closed my eyes, and slept the most restful sleep I had had in years.

It was dark when I awoke. the half moon cast a shadow of light through the curtains covering the sheen polished windows. Vinyl was still in my arms, but she was breathing fast enough that I knew she was awake. I unwrapped my arms and stroked her hair with my fingers. She looked up at my face, her beautiful red eyes gazing into me like an Xray. A pretty little Xray. one that I could take every day. I kissed her on the forehead, and she nuzzled me on the neck in return. I didn't want to leave, but I had to deal with all this stuff going on before it got even more out of hand.

"I have to go." I whispered as I pulled her head to my chest and cradled it.

"Why?" She asked. Almost disappointedly. I was too, but I had to.

"I need to take care of some business, but I'll be back." I said quietly.

"I'll be waiting." She said as she lifted her head and looked into my eyes again.

"Believe me, I ain't gonna drag this out." I said tenderly.

"Honey?" She said as I stood up to leave.

"Yes?" I said softly.

"Do you have time to eat before you go?" It was almost like she was pleading. I turned around. Her head was cocked to one side, her sweet little eyes begged me to give one last obeisance before I left her again.

"Sure." I said softly. I flashed her a quick smile.

She smiled sweetly in return and beckoned me to the kitchen. She took out two glasses and set them on the table. Then she went to the refrigerator and pulled out a clear plastic I.V. bag. She ripped the plastic cap off the bag and poured the liquid in the glasses. I walked over and sat at the table. I took one of the glasses and eyed it. Blood. Of course, now that I was a vampire, I didn't eat food. I raised the glass to my lips, then hesitated. Could I call myself a God fearing man after this? Well, I already couldn't, because I was no longer a man. I was a nightmare. I hunted men. I was the thing that children hid under blankets to escape, and apparently what women between the ages of thirteen and thirty wanted to go under blankets with. I was a monster. Or was I? Had I really changed? How was I different? Perhaps it wasn't as I saw it. I was me. I would always be me. The only thing that changed was the weather I liked and the food I ate, and perhaps what could kill me. My psyche wasn't changed. If anything, I felt better than ever! I eyed the drink again. I eyed the... blood, again. Then I looked back to Vinyl, who was eyeing me curiously. It was time to make a change. No more hiding behind the cloak of humour to cover my real feelings, actually, that was going to stay. Humour was still funny, but anyway, no more bullshit.

I raised my glass and extended my arm to Vinyl. "To a better life." A rather ironic statement considering I was dead, but still. Vinyl smiled and klinked her glass into mine. I sipped at first, it was different. It wasn't salty, it didn't have a coppery tang like my blood always had when I had tasted it. It was... sweet? No, it was... just... good. It was disturbing, but at the same time, it was freeing, but most importantly, it was strengthening. I felt an inhuman vitality spreading across my body, coursing through my veins. It was good. I felt better. I felt like I could run a thousand miles, fight a thousand battles, make love to my wife a thousand times. I wanted to leave even less now. I wanted to feel that sensation, that feeling of love, ten thousand times more, forever even. No. For Twilight. I had to save her from Rarity. That crazy bitch was trying to force love on them. Not knowing that she was going to alienate them from that very feeling she sought selflessly to provide them with. It must. Not. Be.

I stood up quickly, so quickly the chair flew back. I walked to the door, opening it with a new sense of purpose, but something bade me pause, I turned my head, and looked back at Vinyl, who now gazed longingly at me. "Goodbye Vinyl." I hesitated, that wasn't what I had wanted to say, but I just couldn't say the words. Those three damned words, Fight a thousand battles, but he can't say three words. I could hear people saying. I searched my heart of hearts, but I just couldn't say it, then I saw those eyes again, I couldn't grow tired of those eyes, those orbs of red that laid bare my tortured soul. I found many things in those eyes, I found happiness, I found contentment, but most importantly, I found the words, they rolled off of my tongue almost of their own accord. "I love you." Such a simple phrase, a phrase with a thousand meanings, but only one meaning was the deep meaning, the emotion, the feeling it was supposed to convey, that little four letter word, so overused and bastardized. The feeling of love. Something so amazingly indescribable it could never have come from humans alone. It was running through heather meadows, morning dew on grass, sunsets on the ocean, it was happiness, sadness, melancholy, it was tears and dancing and springs and fountains, flowers on rivers and snow on the mountains, it was hellos and goodbyes. I realized as I looked into her eyes. Love didn't wait on the doorstep, it didn't stop, ever, love was who would be waiting on the doorstep for me to come home. I realized then that the feeling didn't have to end because I went away. The feeling was love, and I would keep it with me. I wouldn't let it go away, because I wouldn't let my love fade. I would fan the flames, and the fire would spring up anew, stronger and more beautiful than ever before. I smiled, that real smile again. "Goodbye Vinyl. I love you." Then I walked out. Leaving my wife smiling, blood still staining her coat just above her lips.

As I walked out of the apartment complex, I decided that I would always say those three words. When I left her, when I came back, and when I was with her. I would remind her, and myself, every chance I had, and I would never let it go stale. That was the commitment I made, to have and to hold, as long as you both shall live. I imagine I had said something to that effect. Until death do us part though, that would have to change. I did die recently. Likely not long after I was married. 'Til undeath do us part? No no. That wouldn't work. I thought as I broke into a sprint for Twilight's house. It felt like I was breaking mach 1 as I ran. I knew this was likely impossible, but the feeling was definitely good.

I laughed as I ran doing little hops and skips occasionally. Undeath was shaping up to be a real good time. Life had certainly lost its lustre. Funny how it had taken death to find the joys of life. I was a dead, unfeeling, monster, and I felt better than ever. I had to stop for just a moment to admire the comedy of the entire situation. A dead man feels more emotion than a living one? I could see the Onion news headline now. I chuckled to myself just a bit. Then sighed. It was time to move. Twilight was due to be raped tonight, and I was going to stop it.

I arrived at Twilight's house just as the other stallion was walking to the door. Who was it again? Snails? Gah. Whatever. It didn't matter, he would get a neck full of fangs if he stepped any closer. Well, he wouldn't, I wasn't quite down with that one yet, but he was going to hurt if he thought he was going to get that pussy tonight. I briefly considered what I was doing. I was a vampire keeping a guy from sexing a mare. What did that make me? I couldn't help but laugh out loud in amusement when I realized what I truly was. I was none other than... Cock Blocula. As Snails made his way towards the door he saw only me laughing so hard I was clutching my sides. I sure knew about first impressions.

"Uh... Excuse you?" Snails er whatever the fuck his name is said uncertainly.

"Oh heheh sorry kid. I couldn't help it. It was just too good. Anyway, you've got about three seconds to leave before I drop kick you right in the muzzle." I said between chuckles.

"Uhm." Snails said again.

"Look just go home. Okay? Whatever it is, it can wait." I spoke calmly, but firmly.

"Uh. Okay." He said as he turned away. Crisis averted. Rarity must have been fuming like a tea kettle. I saw movement out of the corner of my eye. I shouldn't have been able to spot it, but my vision was so much clearer in the night now. It was almost better than the daytime. The moon beat on me warmly, something it had never done. I spotted that bit of movement again. A flash of white, and purple. Speak of the devil. Hah! Another little irony, considering I was the hellborn beast here. I ran quickly towards where I had seen her last, I caught her scent, it smelled of sweet perfume, but there was an undercurrent of something obscene, like when you cover a stench with febreeze. I assumed this was the scent of malicious intent. I honed in on the direction of the scent, locking onto it like a sidewinder missile; another little pun, and sprinted towards it. My instinct kicked in, I moved more silently than ever before, almost as if I wasn't there. I was the moonlight, the darkness, a shadow, and I moved with all the haste of the wind. Rarity had profaned love, had blasphemed against it. For that, she would pay dues.

In the space of two heartbeats, I was in front of her. To the casual observer, it would have seemed that I simply was there. I had come from nowhere, and was now there. Rarity was certainly not prepared. She jumped back with a startled yelp. Her eyes went wide as she realized it was me, then her face became angry and her features contorted into those of anger, and hatred.

"You. You've been ruining my plans. Do you know what you've done? Days of planning. Ruined! Because of you! How could you?" Rarity was at first angry, but then she seemed to be sad. She really had done this out of the goodness of her heart. The road to hell was paved with good intentions, but there was still hope to avoid adding the cobble to complete the path. I spoke softly, but with all the authority and insistence of a disappointed father speaking with his child. Telling him what he had done wrong, and telling him what to do instead. Telling him that it was alright. That mistakes were inevitable, that even as he punished his child, he still loved him.

"Rarity. I understand what you planned, I know what you wanted to do, that's why I had to stop you, but also why I don't hold it against you, and why I think they won't either, if they really are your friends. I had to stop your plans because they aren't the way to achieve your goal. You can't force love, or affection. I've seen how this story ends Rarity, and it ain't pretty. You would never have made them feel love. You would have done the opposite. If I hadn't stopped it, your generous plans would have destroyed them. Robbed them their chance to feel real love. And I would not have noticed this, if I had not felt these feelings for the first time just today. I had originally planned to simply thwart your plans, but that would treat only the symptoms of the problem, not the cause. Rarity, don't let impatience get the better of you, there are some things you can't give your friends, and that's okay. If they don't experience it for themselves, it's just a sour feeling. I understand you now, I understand what you wanted, I understand that you wanted them to be loved by somebody, but you can't do it for them. Even if I let you go through with it, your best laid plans would have bee nothing but a path to pain and misery. So please, leave it be." I finished my little speech after waxing poetic and going straight on into Shakespearean diction.

Rarity stared in awe at me. Her jaw almost touching the ground, her eyes large as plates. There was always a lot to see in the eyes, and I was learning fast what to look for, but I didn't have to look too hard. A single tear rolled down her face. I could see that she was truly hurt. She was seeing what she had done, and it made her cry. The floodgates opened as she fell into my arms and cried. I couldn't tell you how long we sat there. She crying into my arms as I held her. I said nothing, there was nothing to say that I hadn't said. It was best now to be there, and wait for her to calm down. It took a long time. Her heart-wracking sobs carried on long after she had run out of tears. I was afraid, that perhaps I had broken her, that she would be unable to cope with the knowledge of what she had done, but after a long while, she was at last able to speak. She spoke in a small voice, barely above a whisper, two words that told me everything would be okay in the end. "I'm sorry." She said as she raised her head up to look me in the eyes. I saw pain in those eyes, and misery, I saw sadness, but what assured me that it would be okay, was that I saw sorrow.

I smiled as I saw her face, and heard those words. Sorrow is the first step towards repentance, and repentance is what she needed. I spoke softly to her, as tenderly as I could. "I forgive you. For what it's worth. But you haven't wronged me. You owe it to your friends. Tell them what you did. If you as close as you all say you are, your friends will forgive you. Regardless of what you did."

"Thank you." She said softly as just a little light came back to her eyes. "Do you think they'll forgive me? For...this?" She asked hopefully.

I thought for a moment of all the times they had forgiven each other in the shows, about all the times they had forgiven each other since we got here. I thought about all the times they had forgiven me, a stranger, a fool, an asshole. If they could forgive that, then... "Yes. I think they will." I said confidently.

Rarity got up from the ground, still sniffling, and wiped her bleary eyes with her foreleg. "Well. If you will excuse me." She said as a bit of her feisty side returned. "I have to go home and bathe. This is most unbecoming of a civilized mare." The old Rarity was back, and perhaps a bit wiser. She gathered herself up and stood again with all the pride that she had carried herself with for as long as I had seen her. But she was a bit different. As she turned to go back to her home, she turned her head one last time in my direction, and whispered one last "thank you" before trotting off into the darkness.

"Well. There's that problem solved." I said aloud.

"Bah! Hubris!" A voice said derisively. I turned around. There was no figure. Where had it come fro- and suddenly, the worst pain I had ever experienced assailed me. It was all consuming, all encompassing, the bitter opposite of that hallowed feeling that had sweetened my life earlier. This was the pain that stole that feeling. The pain of death. I looked down to the source of my suffering. A cruel serrated blade was lodged in my abdomen, its polished sheened edge reflecting every droplet of my blood with startling clarity. It was a beautiful sight, a terrible beauty, but beauty none the less.

"Do you like my blades? I made them for the princesses, but they work so well on others too. You should really be quite thankful I give this respite, the worst of your sweet pain is still to come." That voice. I knew it from... somewhere. I couldn't think, the pain made it too hard. All I could focus on was the feeling of encroaching pain, and its ugly source. I lifted a shaking hand to touch the piece of metal lodged in my stomach, futilely reaching for the thing that had gutted me.

"Such strength! I wish I could have taken my time with you. You would have been such a wonderful little plaything." The mare thing that had impaled me let out a sigh. "But... I suppose that needs must." She cooed softly. With that, she unceremoniously ripped the cruel weapon out, twisting slightly to cause as much pain as she could. I would have screamed then; emptied my lungs as I let loose a blood curdling scream of wretched pain, but I didn't. I couldn't have, she had torn my lungs along with most every other vital organ as she unsheathed her wicked blade from my body. I was dead. My heart had stopped. There was hardly anything left inside my body. I landed on my knees, but quickly fell to the ground. There was no strength left in me. I could do little more than whimper, cry and twitch in life ending agony as what was left of my life's blood drained into the ground. My eyes were blurred with tears of pain. I couldn't breathe, couldn't move, could hardly think, but through some cruel twist of fate, I could feel. The thing that had stabbed me, that had ended my unlife, walked in front of me and brushed the tears from my eyes.

"Still alive? I am impressed. Well... we couldn't say you were alive. Now could we? Your heart is all over the ground. You are dead, but your body offers you one last disservice of not allowing you to taste the sweetness of the abyss. I would have you look upon your death. Me. I don't believe you know who I am. So I will allow you the courtesy of knowing who killed you." With that, she spread her wings; while simultaneously showing her wickedly cruel wing blades, and shouted in the Canterlot voice. "I. AM. BLOODMOON!" Her theatrics were lost on me, I was too busy trying to make my body ignore its instinct to breathe. My mouth was filled with blood, and my lungs were so wrecked it didn't matter. Death by suffocation. My heart was no longer in my body, and I was going to die of suffocation. I was going to drown in my own blood, and then this thing was going to drink it. Bathe in it. Another great irony of life. Or was it death? Here I was, a vampire, about to be killed, so that the thing which killed me could drink my blood. It made me wish Danny was here in my head. One last little joke between friends. I wished Vinyl could be here, but then I thought better of it. She should never have to see this, me, disemboweled with my enemy cackling and laughing with insane glee. My vision was darkening. Or was I just closing my eyes? The pain disappeared, to be replaced with nothingness. There was no feeling. Perhaps I was finally done. I saw Vinyl's eyes one last time before my vision went black. The image seemed to last... forever.