"So are you gonna kill him or not?" Glenn was getting impatient. It's a sign of the apocalypse.

"I'm thinking about it." At this point, I couldn't even be mad at him anymore. It's like when a guy with down syndrome pisses on your floor. you can't be mad at him, he just doesn't know any better. Allow me to elaborate. I had been sitting here for about five minutes. In that time, this changeling could have escaped out the unlocked cell door, called out loudly for his changeling friends, or done something along those lines. Yet he sat here, whimpering to himself and trying not to piss his... whatever.

"I can send him to the moon." Well, Celestia was trying to help. About damn time.

"Yeah, about that. Doesn't Luna control the moon?"

"Yes."

"Then why is it that you send people to the moon? Wouldn't you send people to the sun?" At this question, Celestia's face went from regal to dilated pupils and nervous sweating.

"Uuuuuhhhh..."

"You know what? I don't even care. I just don't have the sanity to care anymore. I am dealing with mentally retarded changelings, princesses with no king or queen over them, the fact that my friend Danny is right now sexually abusing the queen of the dumbasses, and the fact that my wife has been taken to God knows where, only this time, I can't be sure she's not being raped by black weirdos."

"That was really racist at the end." Glenn muttered to me.

"Yeah, realized the moment I said it, but at least there aren't any black dudes here. Right?"

"The fact remains that it is racist."

"You know what? I'm sick of being called a racist by white people. I have literally only been called a racist by white dudes. Black people don't give a shit. They're too busy trying to make something of their lives."

"Whatever."

"Hey! Maybe we should use that door which is totally unlocked and leave!" Pinkie Pie spoke words of wisdom. This entire endeavor was screwed, and we were all going to be raped daily for the rest of our lives. Except Pinkie Pie.

"I think I'll stay with Glenn, uhm that is, if it's okay with you."

Was that Fluttershy? Speaking? Wanting to stay with Glenn? We are truly living in the last days. Soon, the Lord will come to rapture his church. Just kidding! There won't be a rapture guys! Every Christian who lives on earth when the end comes is going to see it firsthand! At least until some heathen gouges out your eyes with a red-hot hairpin. No joke bros, if the end times are close, we are going to be tortured and hated by everyone else.

"I think you're getting a bit off topic here."

"Dammit Pinkie Pie. Why are you always so intrusive?"

"I am not intravenous!"

"No you're not. You're intrusive."

"I am not intransitive!"

"How do you get that from intrusive?"

"Ooohhhhhh. I thought you were using weird adjectives that didn't make sense. Of course I'm intuitive!"

"Nevermind. I no longer care."

"Good, then let's go. I need to get back to Sugarcube Corner!"

"Who the fuck's stopping you? You all could have left if you wanted to already. Why do you insist on waiting for me?"

"Because you know how to fight?" Luna said that. Luna. The thousand plus year old demigodess was saying that I knew how to fight. How do you manage to not learn anything about fighting in over a thousand years?

"So let me get this straight, we have two demigoddesses in this room, and neither of them has, in the centuries they've lived, managed to acquire any combat skills or experience?"

"That seems to be about right." Glenn muttered in the background.

"Awesome. Well, I guess it's gonna be me that gets my wife and Danny back. You want to come with Glenn?"

"Nah, I think you got this one."

"Gee thanks."

"Don't mention it bro."

I walked out without further comment. It probably wouldn't have been worth it to bring him with any way, and besides, I could use some time away from the temple of insanity that was quickly building up around me. The first thing that greeted me as I exited the atrocious excuse for a prison cell was a sleeping security "guard". If you could call a completely useless piece of changeling shit a guard. I was about to ensure that he would stay "sleeping" when a pink body of fur with blue eyes appeared in my entire field of vision.

"Hey Kyle! Whatcha doin'?"

"Holy crack whores!" I shouted in startled exclamation. Not like there was any way to anticipate Pinkie Pie.

"Eh wha- whas goin' on? What? How'd you get out of your cell?" Well, fuck. Wait, they're retarded. Maybe...

"Uh what do you mean cell? We, are uh, members of the changeling worker's union! Yes! I am Neville Ned, and this is my colleague uhhm..." Fuck. Don't blow this. You gotta think fast. Uhh.

"Hello, I am Pinkamena Pinkette, and my colleague and I are social relations workers. We are here to make certain that all employees here are being treated ethically and ponyly. Are you feeling at all degraded or mistreated? Have you had increased stress at work lately?" My God. Pinkie is actually smart!

"Uhh, maybe a little, I mean, we don't even have health insurance. Or a retirement portfolio. Or Dental." It seemed he was buying it. Time to finish up and GTFOFAT (get the fuck out fast as tits).

"Well, that is nearly criminal! We need to speak to your superiors as soon as possible." I just had to play this a bit more and we were out of here.

"Well uhh, I don't know. She doesn't like it when we interrupt her while she's working."

"You just point us to where she is, and let us worry about the fallout. Okay?"

"Sure, her room is on the top floor, giant black marble doors, can't miss 'em."

"Thank you. Also, would you happen to know if a white furred mare is being kept here at this time?"

"Yeah, she's in the third to last cell, just over there."

"Thank you, we need her released."

"What?"

"She is an undercover worker for us you see, and we need her testimony as a witness."

"Oh uhh, sure. Just let me get the keys." Did that just work? Sometimes, like Han Solo, I manage to impress even myself.

The jailer grabbed his ring of keys from off the wall and walked to the cell he had specified earlier. He went through his collection of keys for a few moments before finding the correct one and placing it in the hole. As soon as he opened the door, everyone's favorite musical mare dived out of her cell screaming and clawing. I didn't know horses could claw, but claw she did.

"Ms. Scratch! Calm yourself!"

Vinyl stopped her assault for a moment and looked at me. Seeing my face was serious, she quietly got off the now somewhat mauled jailer and moved to stand beside me."

"I am terribly sorry for Miss Scratch's despicably atrocious behaviour. I am sure she is very sorry for any misunderstanding."

"Sorry? Are you cra- oof!" She was swiftly interrupted by my closed fist in her shoulder, preventing her from fucking things up to much.

"She is very sorry, and we promise that this will not happen in the future."

"Uh yeah, I suppose good help must be in short supply these days." The thing then proceeded to give my wife the stink eyes. Which actually made me want to laugh on the floor. But needs must, so it was time we left.

"We thank you for your cooperation, and please don't take what Vinyl did personally, she is a bit claustrophobic at times. We may have to bring up the small size of the cells along with the improper working conditions." With that, I turned and strode down the hall towards the undesignated exit. My two pony colleagues close behind.

"Hey, before you go." I stopped cold and slowly turned around. My heart was currently lodged in my trachea, and I briefly felt like a whore deep-throating a dick. This might go bad, but I replied anyway.

"Yes?"

"Thanks for doin' this, I know it ain't always easy."

"Of course, it's our job after all." *Whew* Time to bug the fuck out.

And bug out we did, climbing flights of stairs towards our goal. Unfortunately, I am not particularly fond of climbing stairs, and by the time we reached the top floor, I was running a bit short of breath. Which meant my lungs were heaving like bellows. Of course, Pinkie was as happy as ever, Vinyl was calm and swaggering, and both had somehow acquired business suits and briefcase-esque saddlebags on the way up, despite never stopping and being next to me the entire time. Go figure.

Since doors to rooms with royalty are almost always guarded, I was not surprised to find that there were no guards stationed at the door. Obviously she lacked the cognition to grasp even the most basic principles of security.

I walked up to the double doors, and pushed with all my might. The doors swung open surprisingly easy, despite being supposedly out of black marble, a rather heavy rock. As all rocks are wont to be. Wait. Why did... Were these doors made of plastic? Gah. Whatever.

I took about two steps forward before coming face to face with changelings clad in ornate maroon colored clothing and varnished brass armor. I actually wanted the uniform, which increased my respect for Chrysalis by about ten to the twelfth times. Which basically made her equal to street skanks on my respect list.

"Who dares intrude?" Said the finely clad guard in a voice that actually sounded badass.

"Hello, my name is Pinkamena Pinkette, and these are my colleagues, Mr. Ned and Mrs. Scratch. We are here on behalf of the oppressed workers currently employed in this business. We require an audience as soon as possible."

"She is indisposed at this time."

"Then perhaps you would like to tell her why her building was criminally investigated due to the atrocious working conditions?" Vinyl retaliated quick as a whip. Perfect, we might just pull this off John Grisham style.

"What?" The changeling was obviously dumbfounded and confused. All it would take now was one last hammer blow, ande here comes the hammer.

"The hours are absolutely unethical, the pay is below minimum wage, the benefits are nonexistent, the security is child's play, the building is structurally unsound and the workers have no way to lodge any sort of complaint with the GM or the CO. Quite simply, this is a step above slavery."

"I knew it! I knew there was no way guards worked eighteen hour shifts in other companies! I knew I should have gone to work for Changeling International! But noooo, dad had to recommend me for guard employment here. Now he's been dead for twelve years and I'm still stuck in this Life-sucking abyss."

The other changeling guards swiftly began verbally agreeing with the other, and each began expressing his own outrage.

"Maybe you guys should go on strike." Vinyl said coolly. All the changelings stopped for a moment and looked at each-other.

"How?" One of them said after a moment of pause.

"You don't know how to go on strike?" I was rather surprised that they didn't know what it was. Well, no I wasn't.

"We've never done a strike before."

"Well, to go on strike, you have to stop working." That should be pretty easy for them, they were barely doing anything as it was. If they went on strike, maybe they would enter a vegetative state.

"That's it? All we have to do is stop working?"

"Yeah."

"Okay." They then proceeded to fall on the ground and do nothing. Well, let it never be said that they weren't good listeners at least.

We picked our way across the field of prone changelings and eventually made it to the pair of gigantic polystyrene doors at the end. What a fuckin' cheap bitch.

I opened the door and was immediately confronted with one of the worst images it has been my displeasure to see in my young life. Even Rebecca Black's face didn't match the obscenity of the tapestry of absolute horror that was currently woven in front of my face. Pinkie Pie was standing there with her chin touching the floor, her eyes the size of dinner plates because of the complete reprehensibility of the image that attacked her eyes. Vinyl upon seeing the object of our shock, ran for the trashcan and began retching her guts out. Allow me to set the scene. Chrysalis, queen of the changelings, was lying in a bed with ruffled sheets and wrinkled pillows, a sheet barely covering her marehood, while an overweight naked human guy cuddled with her. I knew I would need therapy for this. What has been seen however, can not be unseen.

I really didn't know how to deal with this. My instincts were telling me that leaving them alone was a bad idea. Maybe it was best to listen to them for once. Let recently laid whores lie, as the old saying goes. Then again...

"Sup bitches? How was the sex?"

"Gaaaaah!" Daniel did a magical Pinkie Pie move and hovered in the air for about three seconds before falling dick first onto the fake hardwood laminate flooring. Chrysalis however, just rolled over and continued sleeping. Pity.

"What the fuck man? Why would you do this to me?" Danny said as he got up. I pretty much avoided looking at him entirely, though Pinkie was still blindly staring into the middle distance. I hope we didn't break her.

"Why? Was the sex that good?" I couldn't help asking. Like usual.

"Hell no! She came way too soon! But that bed was awesome. And I need my sleep. It keeps me sexy for the ladies." No comment. JK

"Dude. You are quite possibly the coldest bastard ever. You are not only using that woman for sex, but you are also playing on her emotions to further your own agenda."

"Remind you of anything?"

"Yeah. Feminist theory, only with a guy doing the using of a woman."

"Yep, but I suppose it's time to get out of here. *sigh* Ah well, let's go."

"Whoah whoah. you might want to put some pants on."

"Why?"

"Your pants have your phone in them."

"Right. So, pants."

"Atta boy."

"Hey guys! What's goin' on?" Good, Pinkie was back, maybe she was even still sort of normal."

"Pinkie, If you ever want to talk about what you saw, I'm here for you." Vinyl said softly.

"Why? What happened? I stopped to get some popcorn and left my stunt double here!"

"Your what?" looked over, and sure enough, the shocked Pinkie Pie was still there. With an entirely different Pinkie standing not two feet behind her.

"Oh great. Now we're going to have to find another! I don't grow in trees you know! That would be pretty silly though! A tree with me growing on it."

"Yeah, hilarious."

*Le you know what* "That reminds me of this one party I threw this one time! There was this [runtime error switching to alternate story] did i ever tell you about the time when we [error: code deleted] [@#%#%^!&#%#*!#%&*!#$^&#^*!%*^#*!@&] [01110010011101010110111001110100011010010110110101100101001000000110010101110010011100100110111101110010001000000011001100110001001100010011010000110010001100010011001000100000011100000110110001100101011000010111001101100101001000000110001101101111011011100111010001100001011000110111010000100000011011010110000101101110011101010110011001100001011000110111010001110101011100100110010101110010001000000111011101101000011000010111010000100000011010010111001100100000011101010111000000100000011101110110100101110100011010000010000001110100011010000110010101110011011001010010000001101111011011100110010101110011001000000110000101101110011001000010000001111010011001010111001001101111011001010111001100100000011010010010000001101100011010010110101101100101001000000110001101110101011100000110001101100001011010110110010101110011]"

"Cut! That's it! I am done with the goddamn Pinkie bot. Let's take two for lunch."