As I sat there looking at Pinkie, a fresh palm shaped red mark on my forehead, I was reminded of just how stupid life could really be at times. Allow me to sum up events. Danny breaks physics and sends us first class to his wet dream. We go to a party and end up hangover styling an entire day, complete with Danny sleeping with ponies and me drinking metric fuck-liters of alchohol and marrying the DJ. We find out Glenn is missing and go out looking for him. We find out that Glenn has been jacked to world 8 Mario style. We end up finding a master sorcerer of Tzeentch because why the fuck not. From there, we go to the part where kidnapper, A.K.A. Chrysalis, is spending way too much time drinking tea and not enough time going through with kidnapping and shit. We expose her like a drunk dude exposes parts of his anatomy, and she runs away, again. Following this, we skip to the part where she is impersonating a deity and doing an actual good job of it, only to stop as soon as she's no longer in public with the Canterlot guards that would spring to help her in the bat of an eyelash. Vinyl uses science and wave motion sound particles to Death Star Chrysalis and the entirety of a fucking mountain. We then decide that she would probably be retarded enough to hide people in the same spot as before, and after hours of walking through shit, we reach all the people we know and love. I of course mean love in the loosest translation of the word. Anyway, we find out that Chrysalis is somehow still alive, (she probably reflected the beam with her empty ditz skull), and now has a small army at the gates of Canterlot. I lay down an ass whipping on the noobs before Danny arrives and knocks me out with his fat ass. I wake up two steps short of being a prison bitch in a shitty dungeon cell. I am awake not twenty minutes before Danny becomes an actual sex slave, which I had honestly expected would be his vocation anyway, but the real kicker is the fact that after all this shit i've been through, Pinkie waited until after Danny became a bitch to tell me that the fucktard of an enemy we are fighting left the fucking cell door unlocked. Which is actually pretty funny when you think about it.

"Pinkie. Why exactly did you wait to tell us the door was unlocked?'' I was being very patient with her, I was calm, I was controlled, and I was ABSOLUTELY FUCKING LIVID.

"Because I didn't want us to leave yet, duh." That pink slut was copping a tone with me. Motherfucker.

"Why would we not want to get out of this ass dump of a cell Pinkie?" I just had to hear this one.

"Because I knew Chrysalis would be coming and I didn't want to run into her, because I had to know how many guards there were, and I think it was funny that she made Danny a bitch!" She was speaking in that same ditzy tone, but I could hear intelligent explanations and complete sentences with correct punctuation in them. What the hell?"

"I know right? How do you hear punctuation in a sentence?" Pinkie said strangely. Wait, what did she just say?

"I said how do you-"

"Alright we get it Pinkie, you can read minds. You don't have to rub it in." That was always going to creep me out.

"Well if it makes you uncomfortable, then I won't do it anymore."

"Just- *Le exasperated sigh* You know what? I don't even care anymore. Just do whatever the fuck you want Pinkie. I'm done. I'm just gonna sit right here, and wait until the changelings come and make me a love slave for the rest of my natural life." I reinforced this statement by sitting my ass down on the floor and doing nothing.

"Awww honey, you don't need to be so down. Being a changeling whore forever isn't bad." You know, that was strange. I could have sworn that my wife was encouraging me to be a male escort for a love-sucking monster. Or was that marriage?

"Sooo your totally fine with me, your husband, being a bro tool for a bunch of emo black vampire ponies. Is that right?"

"Why should I care? I'm one of them after all." And at that moment, Vinyl Scratch turned into a thing straight out of the Brothers Grimm. Is that a pony? Noooope, just a changeling.

*Le collective gasp* and *Le Glenn giving no fucks and/or shits*

"What the fuck bro? Why would you do this to me?" Everyone in the room clearly wasn't expecting this kind of shit. I felt at that moment like I should castrate myself and join a monkhood. I had such bad taste in women when I was sauced.

"I obviously did this so I could feed off of your love. You dumbass." It had a man voice. I married a guy. I MARRIED A DUUUUDE. FUUUUUUUUCCKKK. *Le crying*

"How drunk do I have to get to marry a dude changeling pony?! COME THE FUCK ON!"

"Drunk? Drunk is something you do when you're depressed. You partied. You and Danny were stoned, high, tripping, and hammered. All at the same time. There is no way you would have double-deckered Twilight's toilet, rubbed your balls on every one of the cupcakes on the hour devours table, or done kereoke of Whiite Snow's "Animal" if you weren't on more drugs than Ami Winehouse." And suddenly, it all made sense. The reason I couldn't remember anything I did the night before. The reason I was somehow married to a thing from a cartoon. The reason Danny had sex with all those- well he would have done that anyway but, the reason the ponies would allow him to do things to them that no human being should ever do.

"Pinkie, what was I on last night?" I just had to ask.

"Did you drink one of my Pinkie specials?"

"I don't remember."

"That's a yes then. Soooo hmmmm let's see. Oh! You had: 3 hits of heroin, 2 grams of powdered caffeine, 2 grams of cocaine, 4 hits of acid, 2 tablespoons of weed, ruphies, a dash of morphine, and 1 gram of meth, all blended together with 8 ounces of single malt whiskey with adrenalin added to taste."

"How am I alive?" I- Whatever, I may as well just admit that God isn't going to let me live this down.

"Beats me, you drank 3 of them." Glenn muttered nonchalantly.

"Well. Huh." About all I had to say right then. Sorry.

"Yet after all that you still seem to really care about that little DJ mare. Quite surprising really. You could feed the horde for months." That changeling was going to get on my nerves really fast.

"Yeah well, being food for ugly beasts isn't my plan.

"I'm sure it's not, but if you want your wife to live, that is what you will do."

"What?"

"I said that is-"

"No no, before that."

"If you want your wife to live-"

"You switched places with her after we were married?"

"Yes."

"WHOOOH! I didn't marry an ugly bug! Thank you Jesus!"

"Excuse me?"

"Oooohhh, whew. That makes me feel about a million times better. Which leads me to my first question. Why the hell would you undisguise yourself after you have already infiltrated our group?"

"What?"

"You had us all fooled. Even the princesses had no idea. Why would you ruin that by revealing yourself?"

"Uuuuuhhhhh."

"You know what? I'm going to kill you. Not because you're the enemy, not because you're a gay douchebag, and not because you impersonated my wife and are threatening to kill her. I am going to kill you because if I don't, you might have children. And I can't bare the thought of the next generation having to settle for commiting genocide against enemies as retarded as you are. Also, I want to have a bit of fun, and mutilating small animals that are trying to threaten me is the most entertaining thing I can think of right now."

"Thou is most certainly a disturbed individual. And yet, thou possesseth such a marvelously sexy ass that we could not possibly resist watching you mercilessly pound into him over and over again until bodily fluids doth exceed forth from him like a fountain." Luna sounded like she was one step shy of clopping to me. Also eeeeewwwwwww. Leave it to Luna to make tearing a living thing apart with your bare hands sound gay.

"May we touch ourself as we watch?" I- It's just- Why? Why the fuck? Why the fuck am I here? Why the fuck is Luna a demigod co-ruler of an entire country? And why is she unnaturally attracted to me?

"I thought it was because you were the one writing it?"

"GODDAMMIT PINKIE PIE!"