A group of pissed off changelings was currently charging me at mach 2. The fuck was I supposed to do now?

"Kyle." A voice echoed through my brain like a gentle breeze.

"Kyle."

Seriously? What the fuck?

"Kyle."

Nothing for it I guess.

"Kyle."

"What?"

"It's me Danny."

"What do you want? I'm in the middle of something."

"I know. I came to ask you if you tried working the shaft."

"Dude. Fuck off."

"Why are you always so mad?"

"I'm mad because there are a bunch of things trying to kill me and I can't get any help from you."

"Who's fault is that?"

"What do you want Danny?"

"Well I would like to know where you are."

"Are you my fucking mother?"

"Mehbe."

"How 'bout no you are fucking not."

"Does time pause when we speak?"

"What?"

"Why does it seem like nothing happens when we start talking?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Well, you're fighting a bunch of guys right now, and yet you have time to get into a lengthy conversation with me about trivial subjects."

"Why would you start a conversation on trivial subjects with me if you knew that I was in the middle of an epic boss battle?"

"I was hoping I could distract you long enough for them to take you out so I could come in and save the day with Pinkie Pie."

"Sure, 'cause that'll happen."

"5"

"Dude. You can't be serious."

"4"

"How did you get in my head in the first place?"

"3"

"Please tell me you were lying about Pinkie Pie."

"Why would Danny lie about me?"

"2"

"How the hell did you end up in my head?"

"1"

"Well you see, it all started when I was a rock farmer in-" As a christian man, I count my blessings. Her story being interrupted remains one of the greatest I have received.

The roof of the crystal caverns cracked under the weight of some massively heavy object. A large chunk of quartz was forcibly torn from the ceiling, and came plummeting downwards. The millions of reflective shards falling like small flechettes on to the heads of both the changelings, and my own person. A pink blur momentarily crossed my vision before I blacked out, and I said a momentary prayer thanking God for sparing me another conversation with her before oblivion took me.

*********************

I awoke in a bright green meadow among frolicking animals and bright pastel wild flowers. I was certain this was no heaven, but it was still a pretty good place to be. A perfectly cool breeze wafted through my hair and blew over my entire body. I could get used to a place like this.

I did a quick 360 and saw nothing but endless rolling hills covered in green grass, populated by deer, rabbits, and squirrels. I was quite suddenly reminded of Corruption of Champions, but I couldn't quite figure out why. All I knew was that that game was messed up, but was still easier to read than most books by John Grisham, and by all accounts it had a better plot than 50 Shades of Gray.

I could finally savour the sweet sound of silence. No more retarded queens trying half-assedly to kill me. No more Danny to fuck around with me. No more horny wife begging me to have sex, though I could have lived with that one honestly. And lastly, but most importantly, no more Pinkie Pie.

"Hi ya Kyle!"

"HOLY COCK-FARTING-FUCKLE-BAGS!" And suddenly, Pinkie Pie. I would say this was just my luck, but I think "Kyle's Luck" is an oxymoron anyway.

*Le Pinkie laugh and snort* "Sorry! Didn't mean to scare you!" Pinkie was as annoying and optimistic as ever. I was starting to wonder if Lauren Faust had tried to take a page from Spongebob when she created this character. Or maybe I was just like Squidward.

"Pinkie, how did you get here?" I was so seethingly angry at that moment that my voice was actually polite, and calm. Even though I could literally envision myself tearing her head off and eating her vital organs.

"Well, it all started when my mommy and my daddy got married and decided they wanted to have a baby. So they did a little romance, and then went down hard on each other like worshippers in some pagan ritu-"

"I mean how did you get to this place?"

"I dunno."

"How can you not know?"

"I dunno."

*sigh*

"Aww don't be sad Kyle, at least we have each other!" That thought actually sent me into sobs as I realized that there was quite possibly no way out of this place, and I was now stuck with one of the only living things in existance that could annoy the living crap out of me. The only things that could have been worse were being stuck here with Barrack Obama, Satan or anyone from Westborough Baptist Church.

"And the army goes marching to he- what the? Where in the name of God am I?" Because Jesus forbid I not have to deal with shitty things every day for the rest of my life.

"Who are you?"

"Kyle."

"Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie! What's your name?" Maybe Pinkie could annoy her so much that she killed herself. Then families of dead soldiers would have one less trolly bitch to deal with.

"Get out of my way you faggy bitch!" Well, she certainly jumped to conclusions.

"What's a faggy bitch? Is that a type of cake? I love cake!" The bitchy woman ignored her and instead steered course for me. The last thing I wanted was some middle-aged, Kansas-grown, Westborough-raised thundercunt within twenty yards of me.

"Where in God's name am I?"

"I have absolutely no idea." Any minute she was going to start something, I was sure of it.

"Then how are you here?"

"I don't know."

"How can you not know?"

"Do YOU have any idea how you got here?"

"No."

"There you go."

"Great. Just great. I'm stuck here with a talking pink pony fag and a dumb teenager. What next?"

"Could be worse."

"How?"

"You could be in hell."

"Ha! Only fags like you go to hell."

"Fucks sake woman. How did you pass law school when you can't keep your trap shut?"

"Pfft. Only an idiot like you wou- How did you know I went to law school?"

"Aren't you a Phelps-Roper?"

"How do you know my last name?"

"It all started when I was a little gay, half-black, quarter jewish, quarter hispanic, Christian, baby daddy Swede growing up in rural Kansas."

"What?"

"Nevermind. I heard about you when a kid at my school decided to do a research paper on your church."

"Hah! It's good to hear that children are finally embracing the truth."

"Actually, It was a research paper on the macabre."

"What?"

"Anyway, me and a few friends started looking up your church in Google, and after looking through all the memes we finally got to your website."

"And?"

"It had been seized by Anonymous because you violated their rule against excessive trolling and extreme dickery."

"Damn Anon fags."

"Yeah, we were very besorrowed, we were so sad in fact, that we got back to work and didn't give it another thought."

"Are you trying to make a fool of me?"

"You're already an intolerant, annoying, troll loving, minority hating, ugly, fuckfaced, cock-loving, America-hating, Swede-hating, Jew-hating, Army-hating, terrorist-loving, dick-faced thundercunt. You may just as fucking well be a fool as far as anyone else is concerned. It's not like anyone could ever possibly hate you anymore than they already do."

"Oh. Touched a nerve did I?"

"No. You just suck balls."

"The only one here who sucks any sort of genitalia is you."

"Are we talking about pussy here? 'Cause I could live with that."

"You're a real pig. You know that?"

"And you are a senile, fat old sow. Did you know that?"

*bitch slap* (As in slapped by a bitch)

"Fuck you you faggot bastard!"

"Aww. Did I make the boorish little intolerant angry? That's a real shame. And by the way, I know exactly who both of my parents are, and they are currently married to each-other, so I am not a bastard. I also like women and only women, so I am not a faggot."

" *Growl* I am going to fucking-" Unfortunately, I would never hear her annoying threat, a pair of pretty pink hooves bucked her in the face and sent flying straight into coma land.

"Wow. She was really annoying." I was too busy trying to pick up my jaw from where it was on the ground to reply for a moment.

"What was that Pinkie?"

"That was me bucking a really annoying lady in the face Kyle. Duh."

"Yeah i know, but why did you do it? What happened to love and tolerate?"

"Yeah! I loved and tolerated her for a while, but then she got really mean, and then you started gettin all mean too, and I didn't think it was ever gonna end. then I got an idea! So I decided to end it myself!"

"How'd you decide who to knock out?"

"Simple! I took the sqaure root of pie times theta cubed, multiplied it by E=MC squared over A squared + B Squared, set it all over 34 times Toby, then divided by the sum of the hypotenuse, and the rise of a 45, 45, 90 triangle with a run of the cubed root of 233 times the sine of 34 and voila!"

"That was a very strange and outlandish way of choosing who to kick in the face."

"Is that what we were talking about?"

"Why do I even bother?"

"I dunno. Hey guys, why does he bother? And what does he bother about?"

"Pinkie, stop trying to break the fourth wall. No one is going to see this ever."

"No one important. Except maybe Bryce, that guy is pretty nice."

"What are you even talking about?"

"Or maybe that eye booger guy."

"Pinkie."

"Or the bug person."

"Pin-kie."

"I think those are the only ones actually.

"Seriously Pinkie. Stop with the fourth wall bullshit. No one cares."

"Oh wait! there was that Dev guy, but I think he got bored."

"How do we get out of here?"

"Uhhh hmmm. Did you try working the shaft?"

"Piiiinnnnkiiieee."

"Okay okay. Uhhhh. Try clicking your heels together and saying "there's no place like home." Then we'll try something else."

"It's a good thing you aren't saying this to other people, because no one would get that joke."

"What joke?"

"Are you trying to tell me that you don't know about the Wizard of Oz, yet somehow managed to magically- I think I get it now."

"Just try it. Pleeeeeaaaaaaassssseee?"

"Fine."

I clacked the heels of my boots together and said the iconic phrase, and lo and behold I found myself being pulled to a different plane of existance.

I awoke to an ugly blonde-haired asshole's face encompassing about half my field of vision, and a pink pony occupying the other half. My first instinct was to headbutt it, but I decided to go against my better judgement and see if he had something to say.

"How was coma land?" Daniel really knew how to lead off a conversation.

"Exactly how did I end up in coma land?"

"Falling debris."

"But I thought you came up behind him and-"

"Pinkie!"

"Sorry Danny."

"What happened Danny?"

"Well, after you got sent to la la land by a giant chunk of crystal, Pinkie and I beat the shit out of Chrysalis and saved everybody!"

"Really?"

"Naw, we got captured."