“Ahh... A nice stroll through country road can be quite a relaxing experience. Seeing new landscapes and finally getting out of my house to get some fresh colors into my retinas. I think I am beginning to understand what these Americans meant about the “American dream”, driving down the highway without any care in the world. Absolutely perfect.” I commented before laying back against my seat inside my million euro worth Rolls Royce. A car which has everything, even a built-in back scratcher for all your scratching needs.

But besides that, driving down a wide open road between fields, hills and wide forests is certainly something. Watching the wide open plains and hills pass by me as the warm summer breeze rushes through my hair from the opened car windows is certainly trance-inducing. Even my personal gorilla of a chauffeur was doing a fantastic job of keeping this ride smooth and steady, basically allowing me to fully enjoy my coffee without risking the risk of dropping a single drop of my gold-brown brew onto the buffalo leather seat I was sitting on.

This leather was more expensive than some people's kidneys, which would make it a disaster if these rare and overpriced skin pieces ever get stained by 80-degree hot coffee.

The way humanity determines its material values is quite maddening when you think about it. A piece of dead skin costing more than a pimped up Mac Pro... The logic is just nonsensical.

“Hey, George, could you maybe pull up to the nearest gas station? Nature calls, even in such a peaceful dream it seems.” I requested to which my chauffeur just grunted with a nod.

It unsurprisingly didn’t take too long for a desirable gas station to come into view after the next wide turn. George, of course, noticed it as well as he gently slowed down the car and pulled it onto the exit lane which leads to the gas station itself.

Once the car stopped I immediately stepped out of the machine and made my way to the public bathroom which most gas stations have. It was kinda surprising to see just how clean and serene this public bathroom was, despite being a so-called public bathroom. Usually, these places have a much higher contamination level then the Exclusion zone you find around Chernobyl, which is certainly saying something for a place which is meant to be publicly used by everyone.

On second thought, this might not be such a bad idea, considering what all the possible kinds of visitors these places attract. But hey, this is a dream, after all, so miracles such as this one can, or rather will happen eventually when my mind wants too.

Like how a certain Uxie was suddenly just floating right next to me, doing the same thing as I did: relieving itself into his own urinal next to mine, despite my personal knowledge I had that he normally shouldn’t be able to thanks to his lack of actual genitalia.

Legendaries are genderless after all.

“Well, hello there, Uxie, didn’t know that you were here to take a piss too. Are you may be traveling through the countryside as well? Or are you just here to invade my dreams?” I greeted the yellow-headed pokemon next to me as I unzipped my pants.

Uxie nodded. “Yeah, I am actually invading your dreams out of curiosity. I just wanted to test if I could do so without you really noticing it. But I guess I failed at that part.” He stated sheepishly while rubbing the back of his neck.

He then eventually turned his gaze to me, showing off his dirt-yellow colored eyes and giving me that awkward little grin.

I was about to panic before I realized that his memory wiping gaze didn’t work on me somehow. Then again, this is just a dream, so I guess that his mind punching gaze has no power here.

Though that still left me with another issue I had with all of this. That being the facts that, one: Uxie was actually invading my personal mind space somehow. And two: That he had actually and verbally responded to my question, instead of just giving me his usual nods, grins, smiles or tilted expressions.

I pointed my finger at him. “Wait... did you just...” I tried to ask before everything around me suddenly began to fade away. A noticeable sign that my own personal vacation through a dreamscape countryside was finally over. It was time to wake up, it seemed, which was a tad bit depressing if I had to honest.

Uxie, on the other hand, just gave me one final wave before even his image faded away from my vision.

Goodbye, George, I guess I will see you next time. We still have a road trip to finish after all and a very expensive car to eventually drive off a cliff just for the lols. Just because something is expensive doesn’t mean I can’t break it.

I am a man of my craft, which isn’t a lot to be fair.

.............................................................................................................................................

“Ooh.” I moaned as I slowly woke up. The light swaying of the carriage was the first thing I noticed when I finally returned to full consciousness, along with the distinct sounds of wooden wheels rolling on a road.

Everything on me kinda ached, which was mostly thanks to the fact that I was sleeping all curled up inside a somewhat tight spaced carriage which my body was obviously not used too. The pillows and built-in cushions that this thing had were nice, but apparently, my luxury spoiled body was not thinking the same way, showing its displeasure by giving me a mild case of “the sore bones” when I began to stretch my limbs. A sensation I haven’t felt in years if I had to be honest.

But alas, it didn’t matter. Especially when the first thing I saw when opening my eyes was a questioning-looking Uxie staring down at me.

I raised an eyebrow, which in turn caused him to tilt his head before smiling and chuckling to himself, before giving me the personal space I needed to push myself up. In a sitting position, of course.

I scratched my head. “Wait... were you REALLY inside my dreams just now?” I asked Uxie.

The Pokemon just nodded, giving me a friendly wave similar to the one he gave me in the dream before flying out of the carriage window and disappearing somewhere outside, leaving me and a still sleeping Penelope inside it.

I scratched my head, looking around myself with sand-encrusted eyes which in turn prompted me to clean them out first. Stupid sandman and his stupid sand.

Or this could possibly be because of all the sand that is literally around us. Yesterday was a bit of a windy out in the dunes when we left the city in the morning, which could also be the main cause why I have too much freaking sand in my eyes. Also probably because of a staring contest I had with Penelope but unable to see who even managed to win, thanks to the convenience of sand being blown into someone's eyes. The nerve of the Mother-Nature!

“I really need a coffee now,” I muttered to myself after the issue with my eyes was taken care of.

It was then when a certain Uxie suddenly reappeared back into the carriage with a Mug of coffee within his telekinesis. Not just any mug of coffee, mind you. But THE Mug of coffee, the one I originally came with to this world, with the wonderful emote and slogan underneath.

“A derp a day keeps the trolls at bay.” My trusty novelty mug from the local Korean knick-knack store in my hometown. The one who has served me well, both as a day to day companion and even as a lifesaver, back when I confronted a gang of poachers and saved a pack of lions and even Penelope down here from their mischievous deeds.

Good times, goooood times. Minus the near-death experience, of course.

“Ooh, now isn’t that resourceful.” I happily stated with a smile before taking the mug.

Uxie on his part just smiled as I took the first tentative sip of my well-deserved morning brew, which immediately cured any morning discomforts I was feeling at the moment, including the morning wood which may or may not has been there. It could have also been just the thick fabric of my Pajamas, but then again, who cares.

“Ah... nothing beats a fresh mug of coffee in the morning. Say... where exactly are we?” I stated before pulling the curtains to my left open to have a peek. And wouldn’t you know it, my previous predictions were right as the carriage indeed was moving through the ever expansive landscape of the Zebrican desert. Sand dunes as far as the eye can see, along with a couple of rock formations and even a distant oasis if my vision serves me right.

You can never be too sure about water in a desert, after all.

“Oh, Your Highness, you're awake.” A voice suddenly stated.

I hummed, looking down at its source and spotting a random guard trotting alongside the carriage I was sitting in.

Time to start a random conversation with a guy I have never seen before. “Well, yes, of course. But also, where exactly are we now?” I asked the fully geared and armed guard below me.

He looked a bit thoughtful at first before replying. “Well, we are actually pretty close to reaching the very edge of the desert and finally entering the more fertile steppes to the south. In fact...” He pointed one of his hooves to the front of him. “...you can actually see the natural border which separates the dry deserts with the more greener grasslands in front of us. Right at the very edge of the horizon.” The guard added.

This, of course, made me curious as I poked my head through the open window to see what the guard was pointing at. And true to his word, I could actually see a rather dramatic looking boundary between the desert and the plains far into the distance. The lands just cut off in a very distinct line, the sand of the desert being on one side and the grassy plains on the other. Giving me an image I never knew I would see in a place which is mostly dominated by sand.

I am just saying that to be dramatic, of course. I know that such sights do exist in these lands thanks to everyone spouting about the geographic diversity this continent has, mostly consisting of nothing but deserts, steppes, and thick jungles.

“Well, call me a kangaroo of a hooker's mother, the steppes truly are right there in the distance. What a marvelous sight it is to finally see a different color instead of just yellow.” I commented out loud, which in turn caused the guard below my window to tilt his head in confusion.

“Call a kangaroo what now?” The guard asked, totally confused by my random statement.

“Nevermind that. Say... where is Susi? Shouldn’t she be up already to pester me or something?” I asked when I realized that is was already midday, judging by the position of the sun.

The guard tilted his head. “Uhm... you do know that she isn’t with us this time, Your Highness? Her duties as a High Priestess only allow her to travel with you around the city itself, not beyond it. She can't distance herself too far from the Temple.” The stallion explained, reminding me of this unfortunate fact.

“Oh, yeah, right. I totally forgot that.” I mumbled.

Now that I thought about it though, none of my usual companions are with me today due to personal duties or issues. Susi and Aka are obviously busy with their jobs as High Priests at their respective temples, while Aku is grounded with his job as the local steward of the city whenever the King (which is me) isn’t present. While the newest member of this “leaders team,” Palmyria, was also too busy with her own issues back in the Hive to really give me some company. And of course, there was little ol' Bakuss, too, who was currently busy with bolstering up the city guards with new fresh members.

All of my usual crew were back at the city doing something. Which of course was a good thing, as this means that my personal intervention of day to day affairs isn’t exactly required. Unless someone actually needed me to put my final say on any particular subject.

My future is safe because of that. Safe to procrastinate to my heart's content and to just eat and sleep all day. Oh, and be a part-time dad and a part-time Pokemon trainer as well. Let's not forget that.

Speaking of which, I wonder what these two were doing now. It would be surprising to think that Penelope might not be awake now, especially when I could clearly hear her giggling voice echoing from inside. I pulled my head back into the carriage to see what could possibly be the cause of her happiness. Unsurprisingly, it was because of Uxie, who was levitating my little girl all over the interior, making her fly like a bird.

This looked strange but also somewhat funny as well. Two separate bodies flying circles around the roof of the carriage, one a basic drake and another a misplaced looking critter from another franchise.

Well, the fun only lasted for so long until one of Uxie's long tails accidentally flew past my right hand, which in turn, caused me to let go of my trusty mug of coffee. Time slowed down around me as the mug fell onto the carriage floor, spilling all of its content on the expensive looking wood and giving me a small but also slow heart attack from seeing this process at heartbreaking slow-mo.

Once time resumed though, my eyes immediately went wide at the disaster I had just witnessed. My enthusiasm was all gone at this point. The day was done. There's nothing worse for a dedicated coffee lover like me then to see the spilled remains of my morning brew seeping through the gaps of the floor. Out and away, and most importantly, not where it should be.

All I did at that point was scream my lungs out, causing the entire caravan to halt with a jolt and guards to rip the carriage doors open, ready for the worst. Which was the worst, at least for me.

Penelope, of course, was just giggling her ass off at this scene while Uxie was busy hiding behind a rather large pillow on the other end of the carriage.

Because he knew he fucked up. Big time.

.............................................................................................................................................

“Ahh... I may be a couch potato. But even I have to stretch my legs sometimes. Plus, I also need to take a piss. So this little break was definitely needed.” I commented out loud as I stretched to get my lazy old bones in motion.

Old in a metaphorical way, not literally, of course.

But, as I stated, the caravan has made a little pit stop along the beaten road for resting purposes. Right in the middle of these Savanna lands, which was kinda nice. Why nice, you may ask? Well, the view, of course.

Because the herds of Elephants in the distance along with some Giraffes here and there were certainly not an everyday sight for you to see when you spend most of your time sitting around in an oversized Palace. Animals you would usually only see in Zoos or TV, but here, they're all real, free, un-caged and certainly holding the possibility of just charging or trampling you to death for no real reason if they desire to do so.

Actually, now that I think about this, having these animals behind bars might just be better for my overall wellbeing than being here in the wild like some wimpy untrained Bear Grylls wannabe. I don’t work for either Animal Planet or Nat Geo Wild, so why should I bother?

“Just gonna take a quick piss and then go back to the safety of the carriage before the track can go on. I think I can even see a couple of Lions down in the valley who are currently munching down a dead bull. I am far too important to be exposed to this type of dangers, and certainly no insane ENOUGH to even try.” I stated, before looking around for a suitable place to leave my mark.

Finding one rather quickly, I immediately dashed for the desirable looking bush to do my business far away from any prying eyes, especially those who are... interested in seeing their King's physic from a completely “different” angle. I know that at least one of my escorts was a bit of a Homo, judging by his speech and the way he also behaves around his colleagues. I wouldn’t be surprised if someone else was secretly Homo as well to act as his boyfriend.

But alas, the sexual orientation of my personal soldiers doesn’t interest me as long as they keep it to themselves. I really don’t need to see the same-sex couples going at it. I already got enough horse porn from Nami and Najero. I really don’t need anymore.

“Who in God's name are you?” Some rough voice suddenly stated next to me which in turn removed me from my Zen of peacefully relieving myself on this poor bush. It also didn’t help that a pointy thing was being pointed at my right thigh. Which was of course, even more distracting as the gruff voice itself.

I almost jumped at that, pulling my pants back up and turning my attention to this fucking pervert. Only for me to do a double take when all I saw was a large bird head gazing back at me with its eagle-like eyes. I was seriously expecting a lot of things, but certainly not something like this.

Now I wanted chicken for some reason, despite not being the moment nor time for me to actually start thinking about food. But then again, what else can you possibly think of when a spear is being pointed directly towards you by an oversized chicken. Its either eat or be eaten. And frankly, right now all I can think about is how wings are capable of holding a spear. Then again, I am seeing Zebras holding shit with their hooves as well which should be even more impossible.

Your main source of criticism may vary.

“Up here, outsider.” The same gruff voice stated, though this time a little bit further up from where the actual chicken's head was.

I did as instructed, only to be met with a second head poking above the first. This one was a lot more recognizable than the other one, being the typical visage of your run of the mill Zebra with stripe decorated face with horse-like ears and muzzle.

It was then when it dawned on me. “Wait... you're actually riding this thing?” I asked, no longer minding my hunger or the situation I was in.

Though as much as the Zebra wanted to, he couldn't respond, as he was suddenly tackled off of his giant bird by a yellow and gray streak hitting him from the side, sending them tumbling somewhere around the bush where I couldn’t see them.

Too bad, as I personally wanted to see the action first hand. I am ready for some hardcore entertainment after this long ass drag of a trip. All alone, with none of the previously mentioned companions. Even Bakuss wasn’t here.

“Well... that escalated quickly,” I stated to no one in particular as I heard a bit of scuffing from the direction these two have flown off to.

It was also then when a large number of guards suddenly came galloping over with swords and spears at the ready.

“What happened? Are you alright, Your Highness?” One of the closest guards questioned after he and his colleagues took a defensive stance around me. Even though I am still standing in the bush, with the chicken still in front of me.

“Took you all long enough. If it wasn’t for Uxie's quick tackle then I would have long been turned into pierced barbecue if this dude was actually hostile. Well... he actually may have been, for all I know. But I guess it doesn’t matter, now that you are all here.” I commented before rubbing my chin.

It was also then when Uxie suddenly reappeared from his scuffle and began levitating the Zebra behind him as he got closer. Said Zebra looking somewhat unconscious, with a sizable dent on his helmet.

This prompted me to finally push through the foliage and to see exactly what lied beyond where these two shot off. There I could see a large rock. A rock with a large crack on one of its side, which in turn must have been the area where this poor horse got thrown into. Head first, of course, because you usually always go head first with these kinds of things. Because why not.

I then turned my attention back to the newcomer who was still floating about via Uxie's telekinesis. The giant chicken also didn’t look too intimidating anymore as it was just standing there not really giving a fuck. Though it was keeping an eye on the guards closest to it, moving its claws and cawing quietly like a bird.

Though my focus was more “focused” on the floating Zebra in front of me rather than the big Chicken McNugget to the left, if it does start to get troublesome, then I would at least have the excuse to actually have a chicken dinner out here in the savanna plagued with Lions or quick little Cheetahs. When it came to food, I become very territorial myself and lose all sense of self-preservation and common sense. I will become like an animal. Like most people.

“Well okay... just for the sake of getting to the point, who exactly is this Zebra? Is he a member of one of those Zebra tribes?” I asked, looking at the aforementioned Zebra.

“Actually, he is one with us. If that interests you.” Another voice suddenly stated which in turn forced me to turn to its source and almost lose my bladder all over again.

Zebras similar to the one Uxie had, only a lot, lot more of them. All sitting on top these Chocobo rip-offs, professionally armored and armed. One half of them were even sporting composite bows which gave me some pretty good idea on what this group... or should I say a small army of Zebras are trying to be.

Judging from the knowledge I gathered from my History Channel days, these Zebra are either mimicking the Persians or Mongols. Their armor style is somewhat of a mix between Eastern or Arabian culture, which looked a bit weird, especially when you consider that we were in the heart of Africa geographically-wise. I still see some of those Elephants and Giraffes in the distance which is just historically confusing.

But alas, this strange revelation shouldn’t really phase me, considering the fact that everything here was just a mix and mash of many different cultures and traditions from my world. Plus, there was also a Legendary Pokemon floating in front of me, so experiencing such oddities shouldn’t be too surprising at this point.

I have certainly seen weirder shit on the Internet, and in my uncle's basement whenever I came for a visit.

Anyway, none of that mattered now as we were now pretty much surrounded by Chocobo riding horse archers and heavy lancers. Something a small group of infantry units are basically screwed against if my tactical knowledge of Total War games is anything to go by.

I didn’t even have the luxury of being just the guy with the mouse. I am actually down here, acting the army's general more or less.

So this is how getting pinched felt like. I suddenly had a “little bit” more respect for all of those poor commanders of the good old days. Those poor bastards. They didn’t have the plot armor or psychic capable creatures on their sides. Or so I hope, as plot armor alone can be a fickle beast.

There was a moment of tense silence as these thoughts run through my never resting mind. The guards who surrounded me were, of course, on edge but decided to not look aggressive or defying as this would most likely not bode well for anything in this situation. Uxie on his part was confused while still hovering the unconscious body next to him. The chicken on our side just continued to look indifferent.

I, on the other hand, looked thoughtful which isn’t a surprise, especially since I am thinking right now.

The only one that looked normal was the guard who greeted me this morning. He stepped up, giving the lead Zebra of these riders a long look before nodding.

“Are you chieftain Tenojek of the Steppe Rider tribe?” The guard asked.

The middle-aged looking Zebra hummed. Rubbing his chin before replying. “Well, yes, indeed I am. The great Tenojek, at your service.” He stated with a calm but also strong voice, giving us a mocking head bob.

After he rose from his little head dip, his attention then fell upon me. Which had to happen sooner or later.

“And you must be the famed new Monkey King I heard so much about. Funny to see a monarch of your fame and status in the middle of the steppes with a small and dainty caravan. I would have expected more than just a few escorts.” The guy stated.

I shrugged. “Well, you know, budget and stuff. Not everybody can afford themselves an unnecessarily long caravan with multiple wagons trailing behind it. It is already hard enough to give these loyal souls their annual wages for their outstanding service, let alone funding their own provisions. These are truly hard times, let me tell you.” I lengthily stated which caused a few of my guard to look at me strangely.

Though the chieftain just laughed. “Is that so? Well, in that case, you would certainly be the first King I have ever met who is somehow short on riches. But either way, I like to personally welcome you to our land. I would have certainly prepared for your arrival if I knew that you would come. Certainly something more... substantial than a whole raider group of riders.” The chieftain openly stated. “Oh... and I also like to apologize for this incident. It really has been quite a while since one of your kind has shown themselves in these lands. We don’t exactly have any images or pictures of how the ancient High Kings looked like. Except maybe the old Capital, which is quite far away from where we are. So again, I apologize for that.” He quickly added.

I waved my hand dismissively. “Ah, don’t worry. First contact mishaps do happen. It's how we deal or react to these mistakes which truly matters.” I stated wisely, which was surprising even to myself as I usually just spout shit out of my ass in situations like these.

But hey, even a broken clock can tell the right time sometimes. The only difference is that my clock even went backward from time to time to compensate for the fact that it was running way too fast sometimes for no real reason.

Well, not really, sometimes it experienced an electric surge of epic proportions which could easily cause it to run a lot faster for a while. But none of that really is important as I still have a chieftain to talk to.

Either way, the chieftain nodded to that, before quickly turning his attention to one of his men and whispering something into his helmeted ears. The rider nodded before pulling the harness on his bird and separating himself from the rest of his crew, speeding off with his Chocobo look-alike to some random direction.

Well, judging by the position of the sun, I would say that the dude was running off somewhere around south-east or something. But alas, it didn’t matter too much as I was more curious as to what Tenojek here has whispered to his comrade.

Should I feel worried, is my life once again in danger for the tenth time since I started my reign? All questions which needed to be answered, which they did, when Tenojek suddenly began to talk before I could start asking.

“I sent him off ahead of us to inform both my local servants and High Shaman of your incoming arrival. They should finish their preparations to properly greet you upon our arrival. That is if your goal actually was to come to visit me and my tribe.” The chieftain stated before giving me a questioning look.

I nodded, especially when I remembered the exact detail which Susi has given me before me and my escort departed for the southern lands. Some of which were the names of tribes which were having issues with one another. One of them is actually the Steppe Riders now that I think about it.

Great, this obviously means that I finally reached my goal before I had to start losing some of my guards to either Lions or Cheetahs.

Terrible but possible, and certainly a bad campaign slogan to have when trying to recruit more guards for the... well, guard.

Either way, I accepted his offer, then turning to my lead guardsman and telling him to prepare the wagons for departure. He, of course, nodded, doing just that with a large majority of his guards following him. A few stayed behind, as expected.

Though it didn’t take too long for the chieftain to eventually notice Uxie and the unconscious rider he was levitating next to him still, raising an eyebrow at the sight, before returning his attention back to me.

“Say... what kind of a strange creature is this?” He asked, not minding, or even caring for the dude floating alongside this Pokemon.

“Oh, this is Uxie, one of the two... quote-unquote, kids, I brought with me. One of them is most likely still in my carriage, doing god knows what. Oh, and by the way, in case you were wondering, that second child is a female drake. While the thing you see floating behind me is Uxie. Which is both his name and species.” I responded.

The dude just casually nodded to that before turning his attention back to his fellow riders and telling them to form up in front of my caravan and wait for my dudes to be ready to depart.

“Well, in that case, I guess it is time for me to head back into my carriage and just wait there for everything to be ready. I will talk to you again later, Chief Tenojek, once we reach your tribe.” I stated.

“Yes, indeed. I will head back to form up with my fellow riders and lead you all back to the settlement. It isn’t that far away from where we stand, so it shouldn’t take that long.” The chief replied.

I, of course, hummed to that, before watching him ride off to join his fellow men, leaving me and my guards alone, along with Uxie and the guard next to him. Not to mention the giant chicken, who has long sat down as this conversation was going on.

Speaking of Zebras...

“Better take the dude and his steed with us and not just leave these two behind in a Lion infested Savanna. Can you do it, Uxie? Can you levitate both of them with you?” I asked, giving the yellow lake guardian a curious look.

Uxie, in turn, scratched his head, looking at the rider next to him before at the dozing chicken behind him. He then shrugged, which was all the information I needed for me to stroll off with my usual grin.

I was still feeling a bit put out towards him for having ruined my perfectly good coffee which HE brought. Of course, he was sorry as all hell and tried to apologize as much as he could without even saying a single word. Because he obviously can’t speak, even though he did so in the dream.

Maybe he will be able to actually speak with more time passing. He certainly seemed to mature rather quickly by the looks of it.

Dangerously so. I won't be able to influence him anymore if this keeps going.

Darn the speed at which kids can mature these days. Mind-bending people like me are going to be run out of a job because of that.

Curse you, Internet!