Non Canon Theater #1: Prof. Myoujin

Warning, may contain Drunk Science...

I stood there, pacing around the room with a serious face, although I tried so FAHKIN hard not to laugh my ass off for what I was about to do. The Mane 6 looked looked at me with strange and curious look. Bless me Faust for I have sinned, since I am about to break the fourth wall on a massive scale. I slapped my hand on the chalkboard behind me and began.

"NOW, I presume you know ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about what I am about to do, any questions so far?" Pinkie Pie raised her hand.

"What ARE we doing?"

"GENTLEMARES!" WRONG! "I WILL SHOW TO YOU and hopefully HAVE MY QUESTIONS ANSWERED ABOUT YOUR ACTIONS!"

"Huh?" the group collectively exclaimed.

"NOW, taking examples from what each of you have done over the past years, I will explain that if you had been in SKYRIM, Rarity would probably not be here, Rainbow dash would have had MASSIVE Organ failure, and Fluttershy would have a REAAALLY HUGE boo boo on her flank..." Fluttershy blushed, "My good friends, I present to you exhibit A!" I pull down a picture of Rainbow Dash taking a bath with a shower cap labeled 'RAINBOOMS BIATCH!' I immediately pull that up with a blush and see Rainbow Dash cowering behind her Desk, then peeking over while Pinkie Pie, Rarity, and Apple Jack Burst into Laughter, Pinkie shoving her hoof into her mouth momentarily.

"HOW DID YOU GET THA- *GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASP* YOU $#)@%)#$(*@@$((* (censored to retain the respect for RD)" She was screaming and waving her hoof erratically. I'm guessing by the others' surprised reactions, waving your hoof around is the equivalent of flipping the bird, since they don't have fingers.

"Ahem... that was awkward..." Rarity and Pinkie held her back from pretty much jumping over the desk to get to me. I facepawed, yeah... Rainbow Dash wants to kill me now... honestly I have no Idea where that picture came from. After Pinkie knocked RD out with an over sized hammer and tied her to the chair, I continued, "As I was saying.... Exhibit A!" I pulled down a picture of RD before the sonic rain-boom, the moment where a mach cone forms around her at the last second, you know the one...

"In Skyrim, this would ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY UNDER NO FUGGIN CIRCUMSTANCES HIGGS BOSON WHATSOEVER BE POSSIBRUH!!!" The mane six looked at me wide-eyed in confusion, or maybe that was the 'This guy is CRAZY' look, "One, I did the calculations," I rolled up the poster and showed the chalkboard with my calculations, "By the time dash accelerated to that speed, she would have hit 11.1 G's, which in all sense, would kill someone if not cause immediate blackout. Conclusion? Rainbow Dash's Biology DEFIES Physics and in all sense, BASIC ANATOMY!" yes, I just figured this out... u mad bruh? Rainbow Dash had to be gagged due to the ruckus she was making. Lesson 0 about women: NEVER talk about a women's body in a negative or neutral connotation.

"Two, WHAT CAUSES THE FAHKIN RAINBOW?!" I paced around the room, everypony simply shrugged, "After a sleepless night and about 10 of Pinkie Pie's cakes, I've narrowed it down to 3 conclusions:

1) She FARTS at SUPER HIGH VELOCITY that propels her, accelerating her such that she is able to break the sound barrier! This also implies that Rainbow Dash drinks magnums of rainbow juice." She looked just about to kill me. I had to continue for Science! Or Drunk Science for that matter.

"2) Every time she does it, there seems to be an expanding borealis effect cause by her hair, maybe caused by airborne microscopic mirrors that reflect the light?" I'm explaining an impossible phenomenon with nonsense, beautiful...

"4) wait... 3) The sound barrier is secretly made up of invisible mini rainbows, when the sound barrier is broken, the mini rainbows become visible due to the distortion, as soon as the barrier repairs itself, the rainbows become invisible again.

5) ????

6) Profit..." Yeah... I'm beginning to think I'm from the internet. Either that or I accidentally consumed the Equestrian Equivalent of shrooms. I look around the room and find everypony trying to hold Rainbow Dash back with all their might.

"Final thoughts anyone?" I looked around the room to find Pinkie Pie slamming the hammer into Rainbow Dash's head, knocking her out. By now, I'm beginning to believe comas and brain trauma are nonexistent. I scratch myself behind the ears. OHHHH Yeah... that feels good...

"Moving on... Exhibit B." I pull down the photo of Fluttershy being carried by butterflies, "Fluttershy, from what you remember from that day, how many butterflies were carrying you that day?" She started to lower her gaze and cower behind the desk, I swear, the way she acts sometimes, you just can't help but D'AAAAAWW.

"Umm, I... don't remember..." Fair enough...

"Hmm... how much do you weigh?" I brought out a small scale, I motioned for her to stand on it. Screw gentlemanly behavior, this was for science!

"Um, Okay..." She started to trot slowly onto the scale, I looked on the scale.

"... oh..." Holy SHIT! SHE WEIGHED ****** Pounds? "Nevermind, sorry for the trouble..." just act like it was ALL just a big misunderstanding... and overlook the fact that gravity could crush her at any given moment... no wonder she could be carried by butterflies...

"Anyway, moving on, Exhibit C!" I pull out a picture of Pinkie Pie wrapping her tongue around the cake, before I could continue however, Twilight Sparkle interrupted me.

"Now hang on, how did you get all these pictures," She cocked her head to the side, "Especially about the one with *ahem* Rainbow Dash..." Pinkie pie snickered.

"I nwo rite..." I pull an awesome face, "Which is the exact point I'm trying to make... and I can't remember exactly what it was because I keep on thinking about that Rainbow Dash picture... Anyway, Pinkie, can you say ahh for me?"

"Ahh..." I yank her tongue out and start running, stretching the tongue out to what seems to be like a max distance of ten meters. MY GAWD, she's a gecko! I let go of the tongue and have it slap back into Pinkie's mouth with a giant smack.

"Now, from what you can remember, what's your record for eating the most cakes in a single sitting?" Pinkie pie puts her hoof to her chin in deep thought.

"Umm... I'd say about 37." By that point, she's no longer eating, she's INHALING the cake.

"So, how do you eat all that cake without getting a stomach ache?"

"With LOTS of training." and a black hole in the place of a proper abdominal cavity. I scratch my head for a second.

"Sounds legit..." I say in a deadpanned tone. Every other pony except for Pinkie and RD facedesks.

"Twilight, if you would be so kind as to erase RD's memory of us even having this session. I don't want to wake up to her trying to kill me in my sleep." She hesitantly cast the spell, causing RD to suddenly sway and go limp.

"Thanks for coming, It's been eye opening for me... hope to see you guys again soon." I push the chalkboard away and take off my glasses. WAIT... I've been wearing GLASSES this whole time?!

'Try to apply any sense of logical comprehension to ponies about their physical impossibilities, check...'

I try to blow out the candle as I walk up the stairs to my bedroom only to have the flame flare up in the direction of my breath...

"Oh... so THAT'S where all the rum went..."