"So I'm like 'rectum, damn near herpies!'," said Gorlok 12, finishing a long and insanely funny joke, the rest of which won't be featured in this story. All the nearby ponies instantly went into an uproar, laughing harder than they likely ever had in their whole lives. Gorlok 12 was just that funny.

After a few minutes, Celestia got herself under control, wiping a few tears from her mega-sized-pony-eyes. "Wow. Remind me to invite you to tea once the city gets cleaned up."

"Will do!" Said Gorlok 12, excited at the concept of participating in a tea party with a pretty princess pony. Then, his smile suddenly disappeared, being replaced by a deep scowl. The others instantly took notice of this.

Twilight, who was clutching his arm lovingly with her forelegs looked up into his eyes and asked the question all the ponies present were thinking. "What's wrong?"

He sighed, clearly not liking what was going on. "I feel a disturbance in the lobster force. Paul is nearby, and he's using his dark economic powers to do more evil. I need to stop him." None of the ponies in the area wanted Gorlok 12 to leave, but they knew this was something that he had to do and they each nodded at him, expressing their approval.

Gorlok 12 turned to Twilight Sparkle, sighing as he didn't like what he'd have to say. "I may not be coming back, Twilight."

She bit her bottom lip as her eyes began watering. "Don't say that. You'll beat Paul no problem. You gotta!" Gorlok 12 smiled at her, unwilling to tell her that Paul had already bested him multiple times before in combat, so he was likely screwed. "J-just... Be safe. Please."

He nodded, not knowing what else to say. Goodbyes were always the hardest. He stood up, edging his way towards the door, when he felt a sudden force from behind. He was suddenly turned around as Twilight grabbed him in her magic and flung herself into his arms. Before he could even say anything, Twilight pressed her lips firmly against his in the most passionate kiss of all time. It lasted several minutes, neither needing to break the kiss to breathe since ponies are amphibians and therefore they breathe through their skin, and Gorlok 12 has huge lungs.

Eventually though, their faces inched apart and they stared longingly into each others' eyes. "I love you," Twilight whispered. Her close proximity allowed Gorlok 12 to hear it just fine, though, and his heart soared.

"I love you too!" He told her back, not a hint of doubt in his voice. "I love you so much, in fact, I want to take you behind a middle school and get you pregnant."

Twilight blushed deeply, loving it when Gorlok 12 talked dirty to her. She knew he would do it, too. "I'll be waiting," she told him as she dropped out of his arms. He once again nodded to her, giving her one final look before heading out the door.

--

"Did you see how awesome I was there?" I asked Steve who was no longer hiding in the alley where I left him. "I was all like 'pew pew'! And they were like 'aghhh kabloom! You defeated us!'"

"Yeah, I saw the whole thing," he replied in a bored voice. I could tell he was just jell-us of my sweet moves, though, and so he acted like he wasn't impressed.

"Damn straight you did. Kinda hard to miss something THAT awesome. I bet you couldn't even look away if you tried." Unfortunately, my bragging and epeen jerking was interrupted as my nose was assaulted by a very particular smell. "You smell that?" I asked rhetorically.

"I can't smell anything. I'm a robot." Responded Steve, clearly not understanding that it was a rhetorical question.

I worked my muscular nostrils to their limits, smelling so much smell as I attempted to pinpoint that smell. It smelled familiar. A smell I've smelled before, but the memory of what that smelly smell was managed to elude me for a few moments. Of course, I got my answer as a particularly muscular lobster man came into view from behind a partially wrecked building. Now I knew what that smell was! It was Gorlok 12!!!

"YOU!" He called out, pointing one of his sharp claws at me.

"Me?" I asked, gesturing to myself.

"Yes, you. You're already dead!"

"If I'm already dead, then how am I alive?" I asked, being a smart ass as always. He responded with a big smile as he came closer.

"Hey Paul, it has been a while."

"Not really," I responded, "You tried to kill me like, what, two weeks ago?"

"Two weeks is a long time, especially when you have a dire urge to pee in a sex raptor skull."

"This again? What's with you and peeing in my skull?"

"You wouldn't understand. Your skull is just so enticing. I must urinate in it."

"Yeah... Unfortunately for you, I need my skull, so I'm not gonna let you urinate in or anywhere near it."

"No, it's unfortunate for you that you need your skull, 'cuz I'm about to piss all up in it."

"Yeah, whatever. We'll see who's peeing in who's skull soon enough."

He chuckled at that, reminding me why I hate lobster men so much. They're fucking annoying. "I won't lose this time. I have too much riding on my victory to fail. No, your reign of terror ends here. I won't let you ever harm a single one of these adorable little ponies again."

I spread my arms out in a 'come-at-me' gesture. "And what are you going to do to stop me?"

"I'm going to kill you." He then seemed to notice Steve standing by my side, "and who's your friend there?"

"Oh, this? This is Steve. He's my best friend. He used to be a fish, then he was an undead fish, then I built a robot pony body for him."

"Sounds like you guys have gone on a lot of adventures together."

"Yeah. Me and him have traveled all over this gay planet. We're inseparable him and I. I just don't know what I'd do if something happened to him."

"Is that so?" Asked Gorlok 12 as he sized Steve up. Then, without warning, he pointed his claw out, firing a bolt of red mind-lighting at me, or so I thought. I dodged to the side slightly, easily avoiding the poorly aimed projectile.

"Ha! You missed!" I taunted, sticking my tongue out and blowing a raspberry like the mature guy that I am.

"Did I?" He asked, gesturing to my side. I looked over and my eyes widened as I saw Steve lying on the ground, smoke riding from his body from where the lightning had struck him.

"STEVE!" I crouched down at his side, inspecting his body for damage. It didn't take long as it was easy to spot the massive burn mark where the lightning had connected. I gasped in horror at seeing such a grisly wound. This was the worst thing ever!

My attention was brought away from the wound as I heard Steve coughing. I looked up to see him still barely conscious, clinging to life. He continued coughing, ejecting several globs of blood from his mouth which was strange since he's a robot. "Steve! Stay with me buddy. It's gonna be all right. I'll use the power of the economy to fix you."

He continued coughing for a few moments before he managed to sputter out a response. "Listen carefully Paul. I'm dying. I don't have much time left in this world..."

"Don't give up! I can save you!" I told him as tears began streaming down my cheeks. "You're going to be fine."

"No. My time is up. I can feel it. I just want you to know, you're the best friend a robot undead fish unicorn could ask for... Take my hard drive. Make good use of it, okay?"

"Don't worry buddy, I will."

"And remember... Don't be a... Centipede..." His head suddenly dropped and his eyes slid closed. I put my ear-hole to his chest, but I couldn't hear a heart beat. Maybe because he doesn't have a heart, but more likely because he's dead.

Now all my friends were dead! This was the worst day ever! I looked up to the skies, knowing only one long, drawn-out word could express how I felt right now. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

I was drawn from my cries of denial as Gorlok 12 began snickering from where he was standing. I instantly fixed him with an angry glare. "You monster frisbee! What have you done?!"

"Lol, I killed your friend," he answered correctly.

"Well, I killed your friends!" I yelled back, remembering all the lobster men I had murdered just moments before.

He looked around, seemingly noticed the piles of lobster man corpses spread around the area for the first time. "Oh. I guess you did. Now I'm going to kill you twice as much." Like he could even kill me once as much to start with!

I stood up, dropping Steve's corpse to the ground as I focused my hateful stare at Gorlok 12. "Now I'm going to kill you. Once and for all."

He spread his arms out in a gesture that left his tummy exposed. "Bring it."

And so I brought it.

I pointed one arm out, feeling the power of the economy rushing through subspace and into my body in full force. The economy wasn't holding anything back, and neither would I. I let out a mighty roar as I began the fight by waving my hand forward, tossing a massive blue ball of economic energon up in the air. It arced down, managing to land right where he was standing. At least, where he was standing a second ago. He dodged away at the last second, moving with speed unmatched by any other lobster man, avoiding the ball as it connected with the street and exploded in a plume of blue flames and smoke.

Without even a seconds delay, I swung my arm once more, this time lobbing out a smaller version of the same attack. He easily dodged it again, and I noticed the red glow coming from his head and forming around his claws. No doubt he was charging up his first mind attack as he dodged around. I would have to change up my style if I wanted to beat him. It was unlikely that I could ever hit him with such an obvious attack as the economy balls I was using earlier.

I focused the energon into my claw tips, getting ready to strike at him at a moments notice, when he beat me to the punch. Suddenly his body glowed a brilliant red as he suddenly summoned a mind-velociraptor. It was big and red with hateful red eyes that glowed with mind-energon. He quickly jumped atop its back before creating a mind-lance and mind-shield.

This all happened within the coarse of less than a second, and before I knew what was happening, the mind-raptor jumped forward at mach 3 speeds with its curved talons raised, ready to pierce my flesh if given the opportunity. Not being one to back away from such a challenge, I jumped forward myself, spinning in mid-air as blue energon danced around me. Sadly the mind-raptor didn't stand a chance as I had far more experience with being a raptor than he did. When we collided in midair my spinning energon-charged foot made short work of him and he was reduced to a mass of scattered mind-energon almost instantly.

The same could not be said for Gorlok 12, though, as his mind-shield was able to block my spinning foot while he lashed out with his lance. It struck true, hitting me in the side and launching me away and into the rubble of a collapsed building. I stood up nearly instantly, brushing some dust off my chest as I immediately spotted Gorlok 12.

He was clearly charging yet another mind-power, and I wasn't too keen on letting that happen. I quickly focused the economy's raw power into a short ranged wormhole, pulling me in and spitting me out right behind Gorlok 12. I used the momentum from the portal to kick him in the back of the head, but my foot just passed straight through. I lost balance for a brief moment as I realized that what I kicked was actually just a well-made mind-hologram. Unfortunately, my loss of balance, even if it was only for a fraction of a second, was a big enough opening for him.

I looked up, seeing him standing just inches away from where I had emerged from the rubble, just in time to watch as he swung his claws around, ejecting a thick viscous liquid from the tips. It covered my legs before I could even hope to move away, leaving me stationary as it was too thick to easily move out of. I scanned it briefly with my metroid-tier scanning technology, noting that the substance was liquified spider silk mixed with glue, the stickiest substance ever.

With me snared and exposed, Gorlok 12 took a second to charge up his next attack. Suddenly his claws ignited in crimson flames before momentarily transforming into mini hadron colliders. No, not hadron colliders. Hadron shooters! They suddenly lit up as they fired a volley of hadrons at nearly the speed of light like buckshot, striking everything in my immediate area. I was unable to move away to dodge the attack, so I simply had to brace myself with a shield of economic energon and hope for the best. It was enough to keep me from getting completely torn apart, but I was still launched away by the force of the attack, knocking me into yet another collapsed building,

I was really getting tired of this shit... Gorlok 12 was one crafty bastard, and he would keep hitting me with mind-attacks all day if I didn't change up my strategy. I decided to transition into close range combat as I excel at that. Creating another wormhole, I teleported to Gorlok 12 once again using the momentum to kick at him. This time it wasn't a hologram, but he managed to block it all the same.

I instantly kicked out with my other leg, turning in mid air, but he simply moved back a step avoiding it entirely. With lightning speed I landed and pressed on my assault with a flurry of punches, kicks, and bites, all supplemented by economic energon, but he managed to block them all with his own energon-filled claws. We continued on like that for minutes on end without a single attack getting through on my side. Somehow, he seemed a lot better than the last time we fought. I know he leveled up and everything, but this is ridiculous.

As my mind was focused on questioning how he had gotten so good, I accidently blundered a punch. He easily parried it and seized his opening, jabbing me in the stomach with a mind-energon enhanced claw before smacking me across the face with his other claw. That shit hurt, and I was forced back as he came at me with more jabs. Thankfully I was able to get my shit together before I got hit anymore and I began blocking them. Now I was on the defensive, though. This fight really wasn't going too well for me so far.

I managed to block a few dozen attacks before I just decided to pull back by jumping away. Gorlok 12 stayed still, and we stared each other down. He was clearly winning so far, something I'm not very happy about.

"How do you not suck so bad suddenly?" I asked, still being as insulting as possible because I'm a little dick-ass.

He laughed at that for a moment as though it was a funny joke. "It's because I'm fighting for love," he stated as though that made sense.

"Dude, I'm a sex raptor, I make love all the time."

He shook his head in disappointment. "You don't seem to understand. That's not the same thing. No, my heart gives me strength. I will not lose, for losing means losing the love of my life, and I'll never let that happen. I'm going to get her pregnant and everything."

Suddenly, there was a clopping sound a s a group of familiar ponies emerged from the rubble. I knew all of them! There was Pinkie Pie, and Twalit Sparkle, and Rarirar, and the orange one, and the bitchy rainbow one that I hardly talked to, and the yellow one. And they were all glaring at me as though I was the cause of all their problems. All except Rarirar, of course, as she was in a wheel chair and still mostly brain dead. At least she could count to potato...

Twilight stepped forward, and I was immensely confused. Didn't she turn out to actually be queen Hentai or some stupid shit like that? She only confused me more when she shared a tear-filled look with Gorlok 12. Her lip quivered for a moment as she tried to hold back the flood gates that are her eyes. "I love you too, Gorlok 12. Now that I know how strong your feelings are, I want to get married."

Now I was extremely confused. Gorlok 12 was in love with Twilight? But... What? WHAT?! What's even going on in my life?

Gorlok 12 smiled happily back at Twilight. "I do! But first we have to destroy Paul."

Now all of them were glaring at me again. What is this shit?

"You're gonna pay for eatin' mah pigs, vandalizin' mah barn, an' disrepsectin' mah whole town and family bub," stated the orange one as though I was afraid of her. I can't even remember her name. That's how much I don't care.

"You murdered Zecora and like a hundred other ponies. That's totally not cool," yelled out the rainbow one. Does she not realize that it's technically not murder since I'm not a pony?

"Po-ta-toes," squealed Rarirar as she jigged around in the confines of her wheelchair.

"What she means is: You will pay for ruining Canterlot you ruffian," explained Pinkie Pie in her best Rarirar impression.

"I'm pretty confused, but my friends as well as Gorly-poo filled me in on almost everything, and you'll pay for what you've done, monster!" Yelled out Twilight. 'Gorly-poo'? What the actual fuck-balls?

I sighed. I could ask for an explanation, but quite frankly I just don't care. I'm sure whatever shit story they gave me would just be unbearably stupid, so I just didn't even bother asking. Instead I smiled my smug smile. "Do your worst," I said cockily.

All the ponies and Gorlok 12 shared a look, as though participating in some hidden inside joke. Then they all turned back to me and smiled. "Well, if you insist," said Twilight as she levitated a bunch of necklaces and a tiara over, equipping them to herself and her friends. Apparently they're going to kill me with jewelry. I guess death by necklaces isn't the worst death...

Then they all suddenly began glowing and floating into the air. That was new. I didn't know the wing-less ponies could float like that. "Behold the wrath of the elements of harmony, monster!" They yelled in unison. Suddenly they lit up even brighter and a rainbow colored laser shot up into the air from them. I followed it up with my eyes, craning my neck to watch as it flew up and arced in the sky. I'm not sure what exactly was going on, but at least the special effects are good. Rainbows are my favorite color of lasers.

I didn't even think that it could have been some kind of super pony attack until the laser finished its arc and started falling towards earth, and more importantly, towards me. By the time I considered dodging, it was already too late. The laser came down nearly instantly, filling my view with a bright rainbow of light.

I felt lighter and all fuzzy, like something was tickling me all over. It felt so weird... Was this the end? Killed by rainbow pony lasers? How embarrassing. I thought back to all my friends that I had lost... Dance Blaster... Stephen... Sprinkles... Demonic Conch... Well, technically he was never alive, and he also never died, so never mind... And most importantly, Steve... He was my best friend in the world, and now he's dead...

Then suddenly the rainbow light cleared, and I was surprised to find that I hadn't been incinerated or anything. I looked at the ponies to see them floating back down to the ground and shaking their heads clear. They all looked back up and gasped as they saw me, perfectly fine. Was the rainbow laser supposed to hurt?

I looked over to gauge Gorlok 12's reaction, but I couldn't find him. I was slightly confused until I saw a smoldering pile of ash where he was previously standing. Oh... The ponies seemed to notice it too, and they all began screaming and crying, especially Twilight.

I just stood there awkwardly for a few minutes as they did their thing, until finally Twilight turned to glare at me as though this was all my fault or something. "This is all your fault!" She cried out. "The elements of harmony were supposed to destroy you, not Gorlok 12! They're supposed to destroy evil like you!" After her outburst she went back to sobbing, being comforted by her friends.

I just shrugged. "I've been saying it the whole time. I'm the good guy here." Well then, Gorlok 12 and the rest of the lobster men were dead, all the invading armies were dead, all my friends were dead... Shit.

I walked back over to Steve's corpse, pulling his head open to retrieve his hard drive. I guess my adventure here is over than. I just have one last thing to do...