The group of lobster men were just around the corner. I didn't need to see them to know they were there, my lobster senses were tingling like nobodies' business and that generally only happens when lobsters are nearby. Without waiting any longer, I stepped out from the alley I was hibbity-hangin' out in with Steve to confront the lobster scourge.

They all immediately took notice of me, swag walking my way into the center of the street like I own the place, and focused on me with their dumb lobster eyes. Then, the crowd of lobster men parted as their leader stepped forward. It wasn't Gorlok 12 at all!

I decided to shape my confusion into the form of a question, so as to perhaps figure out why Gorlok 12 wasn't leading this group when he should have been. "Where's Gorlok 12?"

The head lobster man huffed in feigned disappointment. "What? Am I not good enough for you?" He said in an obviously sarcastic way. I already hate this guy.

I gave him a quick look over, not noting anything particularly special about this lobster man. "No." I responded honestly.

This time he actually looked genuinely hurt. "I'm genuinely hurt by that." He said, concluding that he was, in fact, genuinely hurt. Either that or he was being sarcastic, it's hard to tell with text sometimes. "I'm special in my own way. Everybody's special."

I decided to chuckle at the sheer ignorance of that statement. "No. If everyone was special, then no one would be special."

He thought it over for a few moments, rubbing his chitin-coated chin with a big ol' claw in the generic way that people do while thinking. "I suppose that makes sense, though I feel like you stole that line from the Incredibles." Shit, he knew!

"No." I decided to deny. "I'm original all the time." He nodded, obviously believing my entirely true statement. He had no reason not to, I'm a really honest and humble guy. After that, neither of us knew exactly what to say, and we ended up standing there awkwardly for a few long moments trying not to make eye contact with each other. I scuffed my foot against the cobblestone street while trying to think of some way to start a new conversation, when the lobster man beat me to it.

"You know, this is weird. We all know who you are, Paul the gay ass sex raptor, but you don't know us. Let me introduce myself. I'm Kyle, Gorlok 12 put me in charge of this group." He then pointed to another lobster man. Hell, I don't know, they all look the same to me. "That's Kevin, our fleet's medical expert."

The lobster man dubbed 'Kevin' pulled a latex glove taught over one of his claws eliciting a loud 'smack' as he let it go. "I'm a doctor." He stated confidently, turning his chin up to give off an air of superiority. I was hardly impressed though. I could be a doctor too... If I felt like it...

Kyle then pointed to another lobster man. "That's Hank. He's a badass who lives life on the edge."

Hank nodded, putting on a pair of sunglasses. "I'm so fresh you can suck my lobster nuts." I most certainly will not suck his lobster nuts...

"Over there is Arnold. One time he pee'd straight up."

Arnold shrugged in response before deciding to explain himself. "I was laying down in the bathroom and I really had to pee. The solution was simple. I pulled down the pants that I was wearing at the time and pee'd straight up. Naturally, gravity took over from there. Then my mom got all mad at me for, and I quote, 'pee'ing everywhere'. Moms, can't live with them, can't murder then with a knife without going to jail."

"That story gave me autism." I told him.

"Why thank you." He said back, either naive or a better troll than I thought.

"That idiot over there is Tommy." Pointed out Kyle. "He has sex with centipedes and shit." I cringed at the thought of having sex with a centipede. Who would ever do such a thing?

"That was only one time." Clarified Tommy. "Besides, who hasn't had sex with at least one arthropod in their life time? I mean, anyone?" I had to give him that, I've had sex with multiple arthropods. No one said anything, cementing that everyone in the immediate area had, at one point, had sex with an arthropod.

"Finally, he's here for you, it's the last member of the lobster crew. This lobster's so strong it isn't funny, can make a kremling cry out for mommy. Can pick up a boulder with relative ease, makes crushing rocks seem such a breeze. He may move slow, he can't jump high, but this lobster's one hell of a guy." And then a really muscular lobster man with a mohawk who I have yet to mention this entire story pushed his way out of the group. "I'd like to introduce you to Shizbo the exterminator."

Shizbo flexed his amazing muscles a few times in an impressive display before saying anything. "I'm gonna deck your halls, bub." No wonder he hasn't been mentioned this whole time, he made a christmas pun and it's not even christmas! What an idiot.

"And the rest of these dumb lobster men are just nameless background characters." Kyle pointed out, receiving nods from several of the other lobster men.

I nodded a bit as he got done, going over their names in my head. I suppose those weren't the worst names I'd ever heard. The ponies definitely hold that record. I mean, 'Fluttershy', 'Twilight Sparkle'? Who comes up with this bullshit? I decided it would be only fair for me to introduce my posse as well. "Well, as you all know, I'm Paul, the most amazing creature to ever exist. To my left is Steve. He's an undead fish put into a robot unicorn's body."

Steve gave a nervous wave with his hoof but didn't add anything. "And right here is demonic conch, or Dimi for short."

"If you ever call me that, or any other nickname, again I'll flay you and turn your skinned corpse into a pair of socks!"

"He gets kinda cranky sometimes. Anyway, he's a lemon-aid demon lord trapped in a conch shell."

With all the introductions done, it was time to get down to business. "Well then, now that I know your guys' names and can no longer simply identify you as faceless entities with no personalities whose lives mean nothing to me, I'm going to murder you all."

The lobster men were instantly on guard, getting into various fighter stances, ready for the impending battle. "You will try." Corrected Kyle.

I simply smirked at him before turning to Steve. "Leave this one to me, I'll show you how killing lobsters is done. Oh, but first, put on some super epic music."

"K." Said Steve as his soundmake-o-trons began playing the most amazing end boss battle music from my entire childhood.

With dem amazing beats smacking me right upside the ear drums, I decided that it was time to tango. And by 'tango', I mean 'commit mass murder'. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to make the first move. Without warning two of the unnamed lobster men from the front of the group charged forward. One was wielding a quarter staff build from pure mind energy while the other was dripping mind-strawberry-jelly from his outstretch claws. Within an instant they were upon me. If there is one thing lobster men are known for other than their amazing mind powers, it's their speed, and cunning, and fortitude. One thing.

The first lobster man swung his staff into a wide arc, hoping to splatter my fragile skull in one fell swoop and claim glory for his family. Unfortunately for him, I wasn't too keen on letting my skull get cracked open like a bottle of champaign on new-years eve, and I moved back several inches letting the staff pass by mere millimeters from my delicate skin. Seeing his failure at a nice easy insta-kill, the lobster man tried to pull his staff back to block the inevitable counterattack by me.

I wasn't about to let him get off that easily though. I take it rather personally when people make attempts at my life. Before he could recover from his miss, I moved forward slightly before bringing my balled-claw up into his chest in a vicious upper cut. Lobster man chitin may be strong, but I was pumped full of delicious economic energon. More than is likely healthy. With that said, it's of little surprise that my claw continued through his thick hide and even through his ribs before stopping elbow-deep in his abdomen.

Without even waiting for a reaction, I reached up further into his chest, grabbing onto a hand full of his tender organs with my talons and pulling them out before shoving them into my mouth. Delicious. It was of little surprise that he fell over dead at this point.

Sadly, I was unable to savor the sweet taste of victory (and guts), as the other lobster man was trying to flank me to my right. He slashed out with one claw, sending mind-jelly flinging out all over the place. I jumped back a few feet, managing to duck down and narrowly avoid a drop of the stuff as it flew past my head. The spot I was just standing was now coated in the fowl stuff and I could tell from the way the cobblestones were melting that it was clearly highly corrosive. This is of little surprise, though, as strawberries, and all fruits for that matter, are full of acid.

Before he could try for a second attack, I moved forward, grabbing his outstretched claw by the wrist. He attempted to pull back only for me to bring my other arm down in a karate chop, hitting him directly in the humerus. Unfortunately, it wasn't humorous at all for him, as his arm snapped like a stick. Yes, that was supposed TIBEA bone joke, I'm aware that it wasn't at all funny. With a firm grip on his now snapped arm, I pulled it up, easily overpowering him, and rammed his own claw into his face resulting in a shower of blood as his head literally exploded.

I paid this no mind, though, as I'm used to being covered in blood at this point. In fact, it kinda turns me on. I didn't even have to turn to know that my next combatant was approaching from behind. I could smell the very essence of lobster permeating the air around me in the way only lobster smell can.

I turned around and instantly came face to face with a lobster man holding what appeared to be a cat plushy. I was instantly confused, giving the lobster man just enough time to strike. The plushy disappeared, making way for a ball of scorpions laced with gasoline. They instantly burst into flame, the copper excreted by the scorpions' bodies turning the fire a sickening green-orange. I wasn't able to examine the flaming ball for long, however, as it was quickly chucked at my head.

It bounced off my cranium with a 'thud' and I recoiled a bit in shock. That kinda hurt... Of course, I was trained too well to let something as simple as pain slow me down. I ducked low before simultaneously punching the lobster man in both of his knees, severing both legs at the joint with a sickening crunching sound. He fell forward as his legs were obliterated, attempting in his last moments to conjure more vile mind-sorcery to save himself. He was unsuccessful as I delivered another set of punches so fast my fists broke the sound barrier. Within the blink of an eye I had also punched off his arms as well as the top of his head.

He died later that day from food poisoning.

I stood back up, catching sight of more lobster men approaching, eager to test their mettle against my legendary fighting prowess. They were using conventional lobster tactics, using unimportant characters to gauge the enemy for weaknesses and tire them out. It's just too bad for them there was a glaring flaw in their strategy. I'm a mother fucking sex raptor with more fighting experience than a truck load of tiny Chuck Norrises and enough stamina to have sex all through the night.

Deciding not to let them have all the fun of attacking, I jumped at the nearest lobster man, claws bared. He was quick, though. He maneuvered to the left, narrowly avoiding my razor-sharp finger-blades, and formed a coat of mind-rubber around his body. Despite the battle going on, I couldn't help but scoff at how stupid of a move that was. "Rubber? That's the stupidest thing I've ever seen. You're likely the stupidest lobster man ever."

His next words caught me completely by surprise. "I'm rubber and you're glue, anything you say bounces off me and sticks back to you." My eyes widened in horror as my words literally bounced off of him and impacted me directly in the face. This was enough to cause me to stagger back, giving the lobster man an opening. One that he took.

He moved forward, his arms morphing into a pair of deadly chainsaws that revved like an angry cat. Within a blink of an eye he was upon me, baring down with his chainsaw arms. Thankfully, a blink is all the time I need. I shaped an economy shield in front of myself, absorbing the saws as their bladed teeth mercilessly bit into it. Then, using my superior strength, I pushed up, knocking him back away from myself a few feet. I was about to follow through with an attack, when I noticed a very peculiar clopping sound. The sound of hooves on cobblestone.

I turned just in time to see a lobster man, mounted atop a furious looking horse composed of hundreds of tiny mind-horses being held together by mind-peanut butter, who was wielding a lance and coming right towards me. Deciding that it was probably best to get out of the way, I rolled to the right, avoiding his lance by mere inches as it wizzed by.

I wasn't about to let such a heinous act go unpunished, though, and I formed the energon of the economy into a pair of circular saws that I wielded in my claws like ninja stars. I then threw them out with deadly accuracy, flicking my wrists perfectly to cause them to spin at skin-rending velocities. They each met their mark in the back of the mounted lobster man, sawing through him like a circular saw through a warm lobster, and rendering him unconscious.

The lobster men were relentless, and didn't seem too keen on letting me go on the offensive. Another pair of them split from the main group, charging at me and holding a mind-chain in between them. Simultaneously, the lobster man with the chainsaw arms came at me again. I was ready for him this time, though, and I pulled my sword out, ready to deliver an easy kill. Lobster trickery is unmatched, though, and it quickly became apparent that his strategy revolved around more than simply charging me and hoping to get a lucky hit in.

As he got close, I noticed the belt of mind-grenades strung to his torso, all oh which had their pins pulled out. It instantly became apparent that this was a kamikaze lobster man. A lobster man so fowl that even he hates his own life, blatantly throwing it away to better the whole of lobster kind. Usually through suicide bombing.

Now that I was onto his ploy, there was no way I was going to let him near me. Those mind-grenades would blow my mind! I quickly summoned the power of the economy into the palm of my claws, forming it into a deadly ball of energon that I compressed into a tight ball. With a quick toss, the ball of energon hurtled through the air with a sizzling noise as it melted straight through the oxygen molecules composing approximately 20% of Equestria's atmosphere before impacting the offending lobster man square in the chest plate. His body was instantly consumed in bright blue flames as the power of the economy purged his very being.

I mentally sighed after using so much energon to kill a simple lobster man. I didn't have an infinite amount after all. perhaps the lobster man's tactics to wear me out were working better than I had thought. I wasn't able to dwell on such thoughts, though, as the lobster man chain gang closed in, hoping to swipe me between their mind-chain.

As you likely know by now, I'm not one to take such an affront to my well being sitting down, so I jumped up, stretching my legs out as I spun through the air like a helicopter. My extended foot talons made short work of their flesh, decapitating them both before I steadied myself and landed. Another lobster was coming from my right. I turned, expecting to see another worthless lobster man, and was therefore surprised when it was Kevin assaulting me. He lunged forward, a huge mind-syringe held firmly in his gloved claws, in which was a thick green liquid.

With reflexes like lightning, I slapped the mind-syringe away, shattering its plastic casing with the back of my claw and causing the liquid to go everywhere. One smell told me exactly what it was. Liquified sauerkraut. No doubt I'd have a very bad day if any of that got into my blood stream.

hoping to catch him before he had time to react, I swung a claw forward, aiming for his jugular. He reacted nearly instantly, though, moving back with an unholy speed only obtainable by those who had truly mastered their bodies or those who took supplemental vitamins every day. I decided it was likely the latter.

I backed up slightly, getting into a combat stance with my claws balled into fists, as I directed a glare at him. "I wasn't aware you were a vitamin specialist."

Kevin gave me a sinister smirk. "How do you think I became a doctor? I trained under Dr. Mario in the way of the pill. I graduated at the top of my class. My thesis was about a thousand ways to kill someone with nothing but vitamin-C." So the cat was out of the bag. Clearly I wasn't facing amateurs.

I gave him a single nod. "Finally, a worthy adversary. A shame I have to end your life."

"We'll see who's ending who." With that said he jumped in the air doing a double backflip as a pair of huge blue and yellow mind-pills flew out of his arms. I dodged to the side as the pills smashed into the ground. But these weren't your grandma's supplements. Suddenly, the holes the pills had created burst open as a pair of massive tapeworms slithered out, each one easily reaching thirty feet long.

They were so gross as they writhed around. "Try my diet pills." taunted Kevin. "And by 'diet pills', I of course mean 'tape worm eggs'."

"Your days of infecting unaware citizens with parasitic worms are over!" I yelled back, jumping at the disgusting worms with a deep hatred developed over centuries of having tape worms living inside of me. The closest of the abominations let out an ungodly shriek as it lunged at me, intent on sinking its barbed fangs into my succulent flesh. I simply backhanded its face away before biting it in half. "How do you like it?" I asked, happy to deliver such poetic justice.

The second worm watched as I dismantled its companion. Its eyeless face taking note of my every move in a way only a seasoned hunter can. "You may have defeated my imbecile of a counterpart, but you'll find that I am a much stronger foe." It taunted as it began using its demonic magic to open a rift into the chaos dimension.

I simply ran up and sliced it into tiny bits with my sword, affectively shutting the horrible thing up. I then turned to Kevin, who was now wielding a mind-bone saw that was ironically carved from actual bones. "I hope you didn't like being alive," he taunted, "because you're about to not be that anymore."

"Talk is cheep." I told him, interested in nothing more than getting back to the fight at hand. "Come at me!" And come at me he did. He jumped forward, his perfectly vitamined muscles allowing him to move faster than a rocket kitten. Unfortunately for him, I'm fast too. I jumped forward as well, meeting his blade with my own. The two weapons met with a loud 'clang', sending sparks flying. I pulled back and delivered several more jabs and thrusts, hoping to penetrate him with my long hard object. He managed to parry every one, though, and was even able to get a few slices of his own in.

It was quite clear that this was a master swordsman. Eventually our blades met again, this time neither of us pulled back as we each vied for dominance. "You know." He grunted out as he pushed the blade with all his might. "After I kill you, Gorlok 12 is going to pee in your skull."

His taunts fell on deaf ears, though, as I was focused on winning this fight. The fate of the entire... My life was at stake here. I wasn't about to lose to some two-bit combat medic. I had so much to live for. Like sex. With my newfound resolve, I managed to push forward, letting out a war cry as my strength slowly won out. Then, suddenly, his mind-saw gave out under the huge amount of pressure, snapping in half as my blade continued onward. And just like that it was all over.

Kevin stood gasping as I held my blade to the side, having cleanly sliced straight through his chest. "I... I thought I would have more time..." He managed. "There was so much I wanted to do... It wasn't supposed to end like this..." With that said, he split in half.

I was given no reprieve after my victory as a whole group of lobster men charged me this time. One spewed mind ketchup from his mouth, but this was stopped as I slammed a foot through his head. Another tried skewering me with a giant fork, only for me to slice his arms off and kick him into the way of his friend's flame thrower which incinerated him on contact.

I jumped over the flames, landing on the lobster man's head and doing a little jig. His neck snapped under the weight of my massive ego, bolstering my kill-death ratio even more. I was on a role now and I was able to quickly slaughter the rest of that group before hank rode at me on the back of a mind-motorcycle, his mind-leather jacket billowing in the breeze. As he passed, he attempted to swiped my legs out with a thick mind pipe, but I managed to jump over it.

He fish tailed, doing a complete 180 and kicking up a cloud of dust, once again facing me. "I'm capital COOL and aint no raptor gonna stand in my way."

"We'll see how cool you are when you're a corpse." I shot back.

"I'll still be cool." He said as he flicked the remains of his burnt out cigarette onto the ground without caring even a little bit about the laws against littering. He's too damn cool to care about the police. He then revved his wheels, kicking up a fresh cloud of dust before once again driving at me. I decided to meet his charge head on and I ran up, sending my economic energon infused fist directly into the motorcycle's front tire.

The sudden stop launched Hank out of his seat and into the air where he sailed directly over my head. This was exactly where I wanted him. "SHURYUKEN!" I yelled as I upper cut him directly in the chest with my power fist, launching him into the upper atmosphere where he instantly froze. What an ironic way for him to go.

I turned my head as the telltale sound of a minigun spinning up penetrated my ear holes. Sure enough, Shizbo the exterminator, who's muscles were somehow even larger than the last time he was mentioned, was standing not thrity feet away. One arm had morphed into a spinning six-barreled chain gun that was pointed right at me.

Without even spouting any witty puns or one-liners, he began firing, letting loose an ungodly torrent as thousands of rounds per minute exited the weapon. I certainly wasn't about to let that thing literally fill me with led, and I ducked slightly while moving to the side, managing to avoid the initial shots. Unfortunately, a little dodging wasn't going to save me this time, as he simply followed me with his arm, attempting to cleave me into tiny, bite-sized pieces with the sheer volume of bullets he was spewing out.

With that said, it was time for some mega dodging. The kind which only someone with as much skill and agility as myself could ever hope to do. I jumped around the street like an acrobat from cirque du soleil on steroids, doing cart wheels and flips like nobody's business. The bullets whizzed by me constantly, punching holes in the street and any objects that got in their way.

I knew I couldn't hope to win a fight by simply dodging forever, so I hatched a plan. A devilishly good plan. Not really, just a mediocre plan the likes of which I had already used before. Without even stopping for a second, I formed an economy circular saw in my claw. It worked so well last time, why not try it again?

With that mentality, I did a flip over a torrent of bullets while simultaneously chucking my weapon at Shizbo. The saw hit him directly in the chest, but failed to pierce further than about an inch into his thick, muscular chest plate. He looked down and smirked at my failed attack.

"Your economy is weak. I'm tired of playing games, let me show you why they call me 'the exterminator'." He stopped firing for a moment as he raised his arms to the sky and let out a primal shout that shook the very foundations of Canterlot. Suddenly he was enveloped in red mist as his mind powers went to work. As quickly as the mist appeared, it was gone, revealing Shizbo's new form. Where his legs used to be was now a full sized rhino, and it looked angry. It was colored a lime green and toted a pair of muscular arms on its sides, each wielding a battle axe. Shizbo's torso and upper body extended from where the rhino's shoulders would be, and he looked even angrier than the rhino did. He let out another battle cry as the rhino charged forward, both axes held up and ready to strike.

But he made a fatal mistake. Deciding to charge me... I ran forward, ready to meet his charge with one of my own. Now it was time to show them why I'm the most superior sex raptor in existence. As he got close, both axes swung inward, looking to sandwich me between the two blades. Of course, this left him open, as I simply ducked under the blades, now on the side of the rhino as it charged past me.

With the grace of a swan, I summoned forth a banana made from purest economy. Its outer shell shimmered with angelic blue light as I peeled it away so fast that i created a sonic boom. Then, before Shizbo had even passed, I tossed the banana peel onto the ground, right in his path. he didn't even have time to yell in shock as his rhino foot came into contact with the banana peel. He instantly exploded, sending a gout of flame and gore into the air, painting the sky with plumes.

It was very beautiful, and I would have been able to enjoy it, but I had a fight to fight. The lobster's numbers were noticeably dwindling. Already, almost half their forces had been bested by me. They didn't feel fear, though. The only emotions lobsters feel is hate and other similar things.

I was once again surprised as the lobsters deviated from their tactics. Instead of blindly sending more of their kind at me in small groups, they were all huddled up as the combined group began casting some kind of horrible mind witchcraft. I wasn't about to let them do that, though. I would stop them before they managed to do anything!

That line of thinking didn't last long, however, as I was attack from each flank. The lobsters were tricky ones, I'll give them that. I moved away just in time to avoid the largest water molecule I had even seen as it impacted the pavement where I was previously standing. I looked up to see both Arnold and Tommy, ready to tag team the shit out of me. Arnold was currently holding an assortment of large mind molecules of hydrogen, nitrogen, and oxygen, all of which were bonded in pairs. While Tommy was clutching a spent uranium fuel rod as though it was a baseball bat.

Before I could even say anything about how irresponsible that was, Arnold tossed an O2 molecule to Tommy, which he batted with the accuracy of a professional baseball player. I was once again forced to dodge as the O2 molecule flew by. I barely had time to react before an N2 molecule slammed into the pavement next to my feet, bouncing up and hitting me in the shin.

I bit my lip, managing to restrain the string of curses that were about to erupt from my mouth-hole. It was worse than accidently kicking a coffee table when you're trying to walk through a dark room... With my currently immobilized state, I had little hope of dodging their next attack, and they took full advantage of it. Tommy tossed aside his uranium fuel rod, instead opting for a potted mind cactus which he pointed at me.

I was confused for a moment, until the cactus suddenly extended itself like some kind of snake. Its newly acquire mass shot forward, smacking me directly across the face. The tiny spikes did little to my hard raptor scales, but it was still annoying. At the same time, Arnold moved around to my right as I was distracted by the cactus, and summoned a super soaker full of honey which he used to douse me in the sticky, yellow substance.

I slapped the cactus away, giving it a taste of its own medicine, as I turned a disapproving look at Arnold. Covering someone is honey, or any sticky substance, without their approval is just straight rude and I wasn't particularly happy about that. Unfortunately, my anger was replaced by fear. An emotion I said earlier in the chapter that I don't have. I lied.

Arnold had summoned a mind Winnie the Pooh bear. It wore a red T-shirt which was clearly symbolic for the blood thirst of the tiny yellow bear. Thankfully, Winnie the Pooh only eats honey...

I looked down, now realizing for the first time the severity of the situation as I'm literally covered in honey. I looked up to catch the hungry stare of Pooh as he licked his chops, briefly showing off the row of gleaming fangs hidden in his maw.

If there was a face to death, this was it. I was staring down what could possibly be the most malicious and deadly creature in existence, and it was staring back. I could feel the pure murderous hatred resonating off its very being as its tiny, black eyes bore into my soul. Surely I was done for. Surely this is the end of the great Paul. The most awesome-tastic sex raptor to ever exist.

"Shoot it with your syringe gun you retard!" Shouted the Economy with its infinite wisdom. Without really thinking, I complied, reaching down and pulling the syringe pistol off my belt and leveling it at the horrid beast before me.

With a pull of the trigger it was all over. Winnie the Pooh was no more. No longer would he haunt the realm of mortals. No longer would the scourge of all that is good desecrate the very essence of life. He was now a lifeless corpse, filled to the brim with neurotoxin. None would cry, for no one mourns the death of a monster.

I looked back to Arnold who was now trembling, clearly unable to easily accept that I had defeated Winnie the Pooh in honorable combat. He never got the chance to cope, as I aimed my gun at him and filled him with syringes. I turned to finish off Tommy as well, only to find that he was gone. He clearly fled as soon as I did the impossible. His death will come soon enough... No lobster can run from me...

Now feeling even more confident in how the fight was going, I turned back to the group of lobster men, ready to face my next challenger. My jaw dropped at what I saw. Where the group of lobster men were, now stood a huge lobster man forged from the bodies of dozens of normal lobster men. At the center of it all was Kyle, looking as smug as ever as though my past victories meant nothing.

"Took you long enough. I half expected you to be defeated." He said in a mocking tone.

"Me, be defeated? Clearly you don't know me as well as you seem to believe."

"I know you inside and out," explained Kyle in his dumb voice, "I've watched all your pornos."

"Impossible! I have more pornos than you could possibly watch in three life-times!"

His face stretched into a smug smile, one which I would take great pleasure in punching in the near future. "I'm four life-times old!" That's pretty old I guess. Then again, I'm like 15 million years-old, so yeah...

"That's cool I guess. I'm still going to kill you though."

"You keep saying that, yet here I remain, thoroughly un-killed."

"We'll see how un-killed you are when I kill you." I shot back.

"Indeed we will." Now that the 'witty' banter was over, it was time to engage in epic combat. Combat I would no doubt win. With my syringe pistol already in hand, I simply leveled it at the huge conglomeration of lobster men and opened fire.

Unfortunately, it looked like my victory would not come so easily as the syringes simply bounced harmlessly off some sort of mind-forcefield. Even more unfortunate is that the lobster men didn't seem too keen on simply letting me attack them without counterattacking. With the speed of multiple lobster men fused together, the huge abomination swung its arm out, multiple tendrils of mind-energon stretching from the tip like elongated fingers, whacking the pistol out of my grip. No matter, the pistol would clearly be useless for this fight anyway.

Without even giving me time to blink, the lobster monster jumped forward. I instantly rolled backward, avoiding its huge legs as it landed on the cobblestone, creating huge cracks as it landed. I finished my roll and stood back up only to find the huge thing already recovered from its landing and swinging a leg at me. My eyes widened as it was clear I wouldn't have time to move out of the way.

Within a fraction of a second, the thing's lobster foot impacted the bottom of my jaw with enough force to push me into the air. I landed on my back a few feet away, slightly dazed from the sudden force applied to my head. I looked up to see the mass of lobster men standing above me with Kyle at the center wearing the smuggest look I have ever seen. I could literally feel the smugness radiating off of him. I could taste it as it wafted through the air, and it tasted gross. It raised its leg up, intent on ramming it into my stomach.

I wasn't about to let that happen, though. The pure amount of smugness coming from Kyle was infuriating. It made me want to walk into an orphanage, cover all the children in gasoline, then light them on fire. I wanted nothing more than to wipe that dumb look off his face. For the first time in as long as I could remember, I was genuinely angry.

He brought his foot down hard, trying to crush my vital organs against the ground, but I was prepared. I channeled my economic energon into my arms, giving them the strength of at least three arms tied together, and I caught his foot mid stomp. Without giving him time to pull back, I twisted the foot, knocking the huge thing off balance and it tumbled to the ground. I took this opportunity to jump back up, already shaping my energon for a follow up.

Once again I had underestimated the lobster's speed, though, and it was already back up on its feet charging its own attack. I preemptively jumped to the side, avoiding a powerful mind-laser as it burnt through entire buildings behind me. I them jumped forward, attempting to take advantage of its miss by counterattacking. As I got close I brought my fists to bear, ready to punch the shit out of Kyle's smug face. It wasn't meant to be, though, as its thick arms each split into the three long, thin arms that ending in claws. With its many arms it was able to block my flurry of punches with little difficulty and even return some of its own, striking me a few times in various places.

I jumped away, seeing that a punchathon wouldn't work out well for me in the long run, and briefly pondered how to continue with this fight. Sadly, Kyle didn't seem too intent on giving me time to think as his six arms all started spewing out mind-lasers at an alarming rate. With the huge mass of lobster men powering them, the lobster monster was able to power up its attacks nearly instantly.

I had to dodge around some more as the lasers flew all around me, burning through the chunks of debris that littered the immediate area. Of course, lobster men are rather tricky, and he quickly transitioned from using simply mind-lasers to firing a group of half-butterfly half-honey-badgers at me.

They flew through the air gracefully in a 'V' formation with the pairs of black and orange monarch butterfly wings on their backs, spreading sparkles in their wake. They would have looked majestic, but the angry, snarling faces of the badgers revealed that they were far from friendly. Once they got close, they broke formation, banking off to each side as the three in front continued towards me.

I knew how vicious and deadly honey badgers were, and I can only imagine they are doubly so when mixed with butterflies, so I wasn't about to take any chances. I once again summoned the economy's energon to me before forcing it out of my claws in a gout of blue flames. The lead badgers were unable to dodge my attack and they went up in flames, the thin membrane of their wings instantly melting under the intense heat. However, there were still the other two groups that were now trying to flank me on each side.

I turned to the right, letting loose another gout of flame and destroying another third of the creatures in the process. Turning around, I was about to do the same to the rest of their numbers when they began to attack. Now close, they flapped their wings harder, intent on closing the gap to me and sinking their fangs into my flesh. The lead one was already only a few feet from me.

Seeing that my flames would be ineffective at this range, I simply resorted to my primary weapons. That is to say, my fists. I punched out at the nearest badger, but with a mighty flap of its wings it dodged to the side. The badgers once again surprised me as they each opened their mouths and a long proboscis unrolled like some ungodly fruit roll-up, the ends were tipped with sharp barbs that dripped with the blood of their latest kill.

With the coordination of an olympic synchronized swimming team, their proboscises all shot forward at once with the intention of skewering me. I took one step back, narrowly avoiding the attack as the badgers flew closer. Now this was just getting frustrating. Is nothing ever easy?

I breathed out an annoyed sigh as I once again shot out a torrent of economy flames, burning everything in the immediate area. I turned back to the lobster abomination, ready to slap the shit out of that thing for putting me through so much work. However, it wasn't where I had expected it to be. Looking around, I couldn't see it anywhere.

I briefly wondered if it had perhaps dissipated into the air or something while I wasn't looking, when I felt a slight rumbling from beneath me as P-wave and L-waves shook the ground I was on. In a moment of confusion, I looked down, just in time to catch sight of a lobster claw bursting from the ground and smacking me right in the nuts.

Thankfully I have a scaled sheath protecting them, but that still hurt like a bitch. Sadly, I wasn't given time to writhe on the ground in pain as the other five lobster claws shot up from all around, grabbing onto my arms, legs and tail. I tried to pull away, but the lobster thing had a tight grip with its claws and its strength was clearly being augmented by its massive mind powers. It lifted me up off the ground as the rest of the thing crawled up from the hole it made.

Once again, I was met with the smug look of Kyle. "Gotcha!" He said.

Honestly, I don't think I have ever been this mad. Something about his face just pissed me off. I just had to destroy it. All I could think about was how much I hated him. Then, in a moment of clarity, it all became apparent to me. Clearly his face was resonating mind-energon to make it look extremely annoying. After all, I had never gotten this angry at something like that before. Clearly his strategy was to piss me off so I couldn't think straight so he could outsmart me, and it had worked.

Of course, now that I saw through his ploy, I gave a smirk of my own, mentally putting up a thin economic energon barrier to block out his anger-inducing mind-powers. For the first time the whole fight, his smug look twisted into one of confusion.

"What?! But, how are you not angry?!" He cried out.

I smirked even harder, bringing my smirk to a legendary caliber never before witnessed by mere mortals, as I answered him. "I'm the biggest troll in the universe, bitch. You can't make me angry!"

He visibly recoiled, as though my smirk was hurting him with its intensity and he had to put his free claw up to shield his eyes from its magnificence. This was all the opening I needed to finish him off. I took a deep breathe, feeling the power of the economy as it flowed into my lungs, before exhaling it all in a mighty laser. The combined mass of lobster men screamed as the laser singed flesh from carapace, easily piercing the mind-shields they had tried erecting at the last moment.

Within seconds my laser had fizzled out, but the damage was already done. The lobster monster dropped me as it fell to the ground, and I was finally able to inspect the damages. The laser had left a massive hole in its center, nearly cleaving its entire body in half, and even the parts that hadn't been directly hit by the laser looked burnt and melted. I stepped forward as the lobster men creating the abomination fell apart, drowning in pools of their own boiled blood. At the center was Kyle, his legs and lower torso completely burnt off from their proximity with the laser.

He coughed up a glob of blood as I got close, fixing me with his big, stupid eyes. "Your victory here means nothing. Gorlok 12 is still gonna kick your shit."

I shrugged. Perhaps he would. But at least I'd die doing what I love. Fighting lobsters. "We'll see about that."

He didn't have anything else to say as his body went limp and his lifeless eyes stared up into space. I took a moment to admire my handiwork, satisfied with a job well done. Get it? Well done. You know, since I cooked all the lobster men at the end there...

Yeah, my jokes still suck.

Author's Notes:

I want this story to end so much. Why do I insist on writing really long fight scenes? I guess I want to end this story right, instead of just giving it a shitty end. I don't know why I even bother, no one reads this shit. There wasn't even a single pony in this chapter. What am I doing with my life?!