Gorlok 12 had seen all kinds of unicorns; Unicorns with scorpion appendages, unicorns made entirely of burnt-out light bulbs, even unicorns that grow on trees, but he aint never seen a unicorn like this before! For one, it was purple. A fine color indeed, he thought to himself as he remembered that purple is his favorite color. It was also small and adorable with a widdle horn on its widdle bitty head. He could have sworn that his arteries were slowly filling with cholesterol just from looking at it in its little pod (I can only assume that how diabetes is form).

After finding the little thing hurtling through space, they pulled it in with one of the lobster ships' tractor beams and placed it in the med-bay. It was currently in a stasis pod while Kevin did some scans on it.

Gorlok 12 turned as he heard the sound of footsteps at the doorway of the med-bay and saw none other than Arnold, Kyle, Tommy, and Hank coming to take a look at the new crew member.

"I've seen a horse unicorn." Started Arnold.

"I've seen a dragon unicorn." Continued Kyle.

"I've seen a house unicorn." Responded Tommy.

"I've seen all of that too!" Sung Hank. "But I aint never seen a unicorn fly."

Gorlok 12 couldn't help but rub his face with a claw in irritation at the disney reference. "It wasn't flying, it was hurtling through space. There's a distinct difference." He felt the need to correct them.

"Yeah!" Agreed Kevin from across the room. "It wasn't flying, it was just falling in style!"

"Oppa Gangna-" Started Kyle before he received a claw to the face.

"Don't even start that shit!" Yelled Hank who looked overly angry given the situation.

"Ouch." Said Kyle as he rubbed at his now sore face. "Those were my ass-kissing lips. How am I supposed to suck up to everyone now?"

"Oh please." Continued Hank while waving a claw absently through the air. "You couldn't kiss your way out of a paper bag!"

"Could too!" Countered Kyle.

"Shut your dirty mouth-flaps or the only thing you'll be kissing is the barrel of my glock!" Interrupted Gorlok 12 before they could continue their very childish argument. "Did you guys just come down here to make bad jokes and argue?"

"Pretty much." Said Arnold with a shrug.

"Yeah." Agreed Tommy. "Same thing we always do."

"Well stop it!" Said Gorlok 12 while delivering a stern glare to the group.

After a few seconds Hank found the gonads to continue with the conversation. "So we found a unicorn... Is it made of candy?"

"Candy? That's just stupid. It's more likely made of rainbows or marshmallows!" Shouted Arnold who knew quite a bit about biology.

"Marshmallows are candy you idiot!" Yelled Hank as he waved his arms dramatically in the air to further prove his point.

"What! Marshmallows aren't candy! Next you're going to tell me that the superbowl has nothing to do with cereal!"

"It doesn't have anything to do with cereal." Pointed out Kyle who's a sportfag. "It's a football game."

"What!? Do I look stupid to you?" Asked Arnold, but before anyone could give an answer he continued. "It's called the 'superbowl', not the 'superball'!"

Gorlok 12 decided to cut in before this argument went on any further. "Shut the fudge cup (snack pack)! No one gives a shit about a 'superball' or whatever it is you're crying about. Now let's talk about this unicorn."

At that moment Kevin put down the scanning device he was using and walked over to the group. "You guys were both wrong. The unicorn is composed 20% out of sugar, 20% from spice, 20% from everything nice, and 10% from chemical F."

"Chemicle F?" Asked Gorlok 12.

"The 'F' stands for 'friendship', which is composed primarily of magic and viscous goo." Answered Kevin.

"Okay. Okay." Said Gorlok 12 as he nodded his head. After adding everything up he realized that there must be a mistake. "That's only 70%. What about the rest?"

"The other 30% is bones, various tissues, organs, and empty space."

"Alright... What else have we learned about it?"

"She." Corrected Kevin. "She is a female."

"How do you know?" He asked, though it was a really stupid question.

"I'm a doctor." He replied with a wink while pulling a latex glove taught on his claw.

A horrified look came to Gorlok 12's face and he involuntarily took a step back as images of his last prostate exam flashed before his eyes.

Gorlok 12 kicked nervously at the floor with one foot as music played from a phonograph on a small wooden table in the corner. He was currently standing in a white room that served as the ship's medical bay. The walls were covered in posters of lobster anatomy and the whole place smelled like disinfectant. He looked over to where Kevin was standing before he finally spoke up. "Will... Will it hurt?" He questioned.

"No, no. Of course not." Replied Kevin as he lubed his claw up with lemon juice and a mixture of alcohol and mercury from a dozen broken thermometers that lay scattered across a counter. "Well... Maybe a bit." He admitted.

"What?!" Asked Gorlok 12 who was now starting to regret coming here to get a prostate exam.

"Relax." Kevin reassured. "I'm a doctor." While saying this he pointed his non-lubed claw to a doctorate he printed off the computer that was framed on the wall. He then pulled a light blue latex gloves out of a box and slipped it onto his thoroughly lubed claw.

"Wait, wait, wait. Why did you put lube on your claw if you're going to put a glove over it?" Questioned Gorlok 12.

Kevin chuckled at this for a few moments. "What, you didn't think I was going to do this with my bare claw? That's just gross! Besides, that wasn't lube. There are no sinks on the ship so I have to clean my claw off somehow." He then went over to a jar of some form of flesh-eating bacteria mixed into a thick, blue, jell-like substance and dipped his now covered claw in until it was nice and slick.

Once he was done with that he turned back to Gorlok 12 while clicking on a little flash light attached to his head.

"Are you prepared to go all the way with this, Gorlok?" He asked.

Gorlok 12 took a few seconds to think before anwering. "Yes. Yes I am prepared to go all the way, my good doctor."

"Good, good. Now turn around." He ordered.

To say Gorlok 12 felt uncomfortable would be an understatement, but he complied, for the good of his anus. He turned around and waited for the inevitable.

"Bend over." Commanded Kevin.

A solitary tear rolled done Gorlok 12's face as he did so.

"Prepare your anus..." Mumbled Kevin as he pulled his arm back, ready to begin the examination. Unfortunately, no amount of preparation could have readied Gorlok 12 for this.

As Kevin's arm shot forward, Gorlok 12 could have sworn he heard a legion of angels crying. They were quickly drowned out by the ungodly wail of agony he made only a fraction of a second later.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGHHHHHHHHHH!" The sound of a living creature's innocence and happiness being lost forever echoed throughout the ship that day.

After staring off into space for a few seconds, Gorlok 12 shook his head to clear away those horrible memories. Surely he'll be having nightmares tonight... "Ok, what else did we learn about her?"

"Well, she's alive for one thing."

"For reals?!" Asked Arnold who started clapping his claws together in excitement.

"Mmmmmhmmm." Nodded Kevin as he looked down at his clipboard. "When we found her she was surrounded by some kind of magical barrier. That must have kept her safe in space."

"A magical barrier huh? Seems legit." Said Gorlok 12 with a shrug. "So what are we going to do with her?"

"We should wake her up." Suggested Arnold who had a huge grin plastered across his face. "I want to hug her and squeeze her until she dies!"

"I would have to agree." Agreed Kevin. "Just look at those cute widdle hoofs!"

Gorlok 12 couldn't help but sigh at their childish behavior, but inside he felt the same way. "How are we supposed to wake her up? Didn't she have a magical barrier or something?"

"The barrier disappeared as soon as we removed her from space. Even if it was still up, we could probably get rid of it via our amazing mind powers anyways." Kevin reasoned. Gorlok 12 is the most bestest and powerful lobster man ever, after all.

"Well then let's wake her up." Gorlok 12's decision was followed by a round of cheering from the rest of the lobster men in the room. "But if she starts shooting lasers at us or something, I'll be forced to put her down." He added. He'd killed plenty of cute things before. He used to go baby seal clubbing all the time when he was in college. Those were the days...

The group walked over to the large tank where the purple pony was suspended in a clear green liquid while Kevin started pushing buttons at a terminal nearby. "All right, initiating the wake up lasers." Said Kevin. Essentially, they were going to fire a super fast volley of lasers into the unicorn's brain to wake her up.

What, that's not how you wake people up? Well too bad, that's how lobster men do it. Besides, I'm sure that having concentrated wavelengths of light penetrate your skull is a lot more pleasant that having an alarm wake you up.

As Kevin pushed another button several plates on the ceiling slid to the sides and a massive laser slid down and pointed at the unicorn. The group of lobster men had to move to the side a bit to make room for all the plugs and tubes which extended from the opposite wall and plugged into the back of the machine.

"All right, ventilation system is in optimal condition. Coolant at 100%. Power supply at 100%. All systems clear. Target locked. Initiating command key." Listed Kevin as he read off of the screen in front of him. "Permission to fire, commander?"

Gorlok 12 looked at the adorable little unicorn for a moment and felt great excitement build in his chest at the thought of brushing its adorable purple and pink mane. He turned back to kevin with a look of determination on his face. "Do it!"

Kevin didn't need to be told twice. He quickly punched down on a large red button that was covered in a thin sheet of glass, breaking the barrier and initiating the firing sequence. As soon as he did so an alarm started going off as little orange spinning lights lowered from the ceiling.

"Powering up!" Yelled Kevin over the noise of the alarms. Sure enough a low hum started coming from the machine as it absorbed absurd amounts of energy. Within moments streams of electricity were shooting between tesla coils situated across the device and the hum became a loud droning that overpowered the sirens.

All the lights in the room began to dim as the laser sapped energy from the ship's nuclear reactor which was working double time to provide all the power needed. "Laser at 90% charge" Screamed Kevin, though he was barely heard. The laser continued powering up to what looked like dangerous levels as bolts of electricity began to arc out and hit various objects around the room making scorch marks along the walls and frying random equipment. As it finally charged up all the way the other alarms and lights went out as the nuclear reactor was only able to make enough energy to power the machine. The machine provided more than enough light, though.

"Laser at 100% charge! Firing!" Yelled out Kevin once again as he grabbed a small hammer off a rack on the wall and proceeded to break open a glass case hanging next to it. Inside was yet another red button which he then punched in. Not a second passed before the laser let out a high pitched screech accompanied by a blindingly bright laser firing from the front of it.

It lasted only a fraction of a second, but it left its image ingrained in the corneas of all the assembled lobster men for several moments afterwards. They all blinked in an attempt to clear their vision as the rawr of the machine died down and everything became quiet. A few seconds later the lights and other machines started coming back on and the group looked towards the tube in anticipation.

It was shrouded in steam and smoke from the machine so they weren't able to get a good view of it.

"Did it work?" Asked Tommy.

Kevin began fanning the smoke away with a claw as he walked up to the terminal and started reading it. "It... It worked... By the lobster god! IT WORKED!" He yelled out. "This might be the greatest achievement in lobster man history!" He continued.

"She's awake?" Asked Gorlok 12 as he stepped closer to the glass tube.

"Judging by her vital signs, yes." Answered Kevin. "But perhaps we should check for ourselves."

The group all edged closer to the glass as the smoke began to clear. After a few moments they were able to see the little unicorn suspended in the liquid still, just now she was moving slightly. Her legs twitched a bit at first before kicking out in an attempt to find something solid.

After failing at that, her eyes began to flutter a bit as they opened for the first time in a long time. The lobster men wore huge grins on their faces as the unicorn slowly opened her eyes. They were unfocused at first, but after a few seconds they widened and focused on the nearest lobster man, who was Gorlok 12. She just sat there for a few seconds, staring at him, before she let out a silent scream into the rebreather strapped to her face and started flailing her limbs wildly in fear.

Gorlok 12 couldn't help but notice how adorable she was when she was terrified beyond all reason. He wasn't able to dwell on that for long, though, as her little horn lit up with purple light and a purple laser fired out, punching a large hole into the glass. With that the rest of the glass shattered as the liquid inside forced its way out.

Gorlok 12 couldn't help but sigh once again at the recent turn of events. "Well that's just great... How did I know it was gonna start shooting lasers?" He asked no one in particular. Without waiting for an answer he put a claw to his face and rubbed the bridge of his lobsteresque nose. "Someone get a mop..."

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This took a while... Because I'm lazy. I've been busy playing video games and shit. I decided to try out half life 2 since I heard it was good so I've been playing through that for the past few days. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.

I hope ya'll appreciate my starcraft reference there. I typed the flashback so when I read it at a normal pace it went along with the music. After going back and watching all the original starcraft cinematics I had a super nostalgia attack and had to use that music somewhere. Also, it fit... If you never saw what I referenced (your childhood must have sucked or something) here it is.