Super-tastic totally not-lame-at-all fun words go!: Blarg, this story disappoints me. I feel like I could have made it a lot better if I thought more about it. It's kinda too late to change that now, though. Oh well, it serves its purpose of being a big hub for me to write joke after joke, at least. I still laugh when I look back at previous chapters despite the sadness I feel deep in my very-human-like heart. I feel like these chapters with Gorlok 12 and Twilight are a good break from how horrible the story line has become. Despite that, this will be ending in a few chapters. I need to write Halo man in Equestria 2, after all.
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Twilight Sparkle's alarm went off and she opened her eyes. But she didn't care, she just got out of bed and looked over to her roommate, Adrien Brody, who did the same. He wasted no time and instantly started walking out of the room. Twilight followed, and together they walked down the stairs of the tree library and across Ponyville. They walked straight through several ponies' yards, but no pony seemed to mind. Next thing she knew they were walking through each of her friends' homes, which made no sense considering Rainbow Dash lives in a cloud. But she didn't question this as Adrien Brody goes wherever the hell he wants. The last place they visited in Ponyville was Applejack's farm where she was out bucking apples.

She ignored them, though, as they ventured onwards through the Everfree forest where they passed Zecora's hut. Then they passed the dragon mountain before arriving on the other side of the forest on a beach. Before she knew what was happening they walked straight into the ocean. They passed some coral reefs, and sharks, and even some fish ponies that were just going about their business, but eventually they came out on dry land on the other side of Equestria. They arrived on a beach with a huge green statue poking half out of the sand at an angle with a bunch of apes riding horses running past it. Next thing she knew they were passing through a bunch of important places around the world.

They passed through manehattan, and cloudsdale before walking over the great wall of zebraland. Suddenly they were back in Canterlot where they paraded through a crowd of thousands of ponies before going to a courtyard where Celestia was waiting. Of course, Adrien Brody wasn't about to sit in a city filled with snobby rich ponies all day, so they promptly rocketed into space. After walking across the moon for a bit, and seeing Luna, Adrien Brody suddenly walked into the sun. Like he gave a shit about the sun. He just walked out with sunglasses and a guitar and started rocking out in space. Then suddenly, everything and everyone was Adrien Brody. Even Twilight Sparkle- NO! Especially Twilight Sparkle.

Unfortunately, this was all interrupted as a super bright laser burst through space and hit her right in the head.

"Wake up." It said before disappearing altogether. She hardly had time to question what just happened before the world around her started fading out.

Suddenly she became aware that her body was very sore. It felt like she had slept on a pile of jagged rocks or something. Of course, that feeling was offset by how tired she felt at the moment. All she wanted was to curl up with a warm blanket and go back to sleep. Without really thinking, she started poking out with a hoof in an attempt to find a blanket of some kind. After a few moments of that without any result, she kicked her legs out all the way in an attempt to find something.

But instead of finding a blanket, or bed, or even a solid surface of any kind, she felt as though her legs were pushing through water. Her mind finally realized that something was wrong and dismissed the idea of simply going back to sleep until after she found out what was going on. Finally she opened her eyes, though everything was extremely blurry and out of focus. After blinking a few times her vision started to return only for her to see something she couldn't immediately explain.

Her mind hardly processed the fact that she was submerged in some kind of liquid as it was busy trying to make sense of what was in front of her. Just behind a sheet of glass was a group of horrible nightmarish creatures clad in chitinous plating of various shades of red looking in at her. After only a few seconds, her mind finally came up with the appropriate response for such a situation. Scream and run away.

Unfortunately that didn't work very well as her legs simply kicked through the liquid she was suspended in and her scream was snuffed out by the mask she just now noticed she was wearing over he mouth. Once she realized that wasn't working very well, she moved on to plan B, AKA magic. With all the concentration she could muster in her horrified state (which is to say none at all), she discharged as much magical energy out of her horn as she could.

Unfortunately, instead of purging all monsters from the universe and returning her safely to her own bed as she was hoping, the spell simply burst through the glass above her horn. What happened next was rather disorienting as she was suddenly tossed forward by the flow of the liquid and deposited on a hard floor.

"Someone get a mop..." She heard someone say from nearby, but she was too busy coughing up the liquid she accidently inhaled on the way out of the tube to pay it any mind.

"Damn it." Another voice complained. "Now my nice clean medical room is full of tube jelly!"

"Tube jelly?" A new voice asked.

"Yeah, that green liquid. It was in a tube, and it's jelly. Therefore tube jelly!"

"I thought that it was just water that you added green food coloring to." Commented another voice.

"Everybodys a critic..."

At this point Twilight had finished hacking up all the liquid in her lungs and tried to stand up on her hooves before the things in the room took interest in her again. This was a lost cause, however, as all the things in the room were already focused back on her.

Gorlok 12 looked down on the soaking wet unicorn that was now coughing on the ground and felt a pang of sympathy in one of his many hearts. Using his mind powers, he quickly summoned up a towel and bent down to dry the poor thing off. The reaction he got wasn't exactly what he was expecting, though.

"Get away from me!" Twilight yelled as she managed to get all the way up on her hooves. She pointed her horn towards Gorlok 12, eyes wide, ready to blast him with magic if he tried any funny business.

Gorlok 12 was surprised for a second, but he'd seen weirder things than a talking unicorn, so this didn't last long. Once the brief shock wore off he was able to asses the situation. From the looks of it, the unicorn was terrified, probably of him. He realized he hadn't shaved that morning, so he probably did look kind of scary and unkept. With this in mind he slowly took a step back and put the towel down in an attempt to show her he wasn't going to attack.

"Hey there, ugh, purple unicorn. We're all friends here, no need to freak out." He tried his best to calm her down.

She wasn't having any of that, though. "Who are you!? What are you?! Where am I!?! What's going on?!?!" She yelled out rapidly while continuing to aim her horn at Gorlok 12.

He wasn't very surprised by all the questions as they were the kind of things you would want to know if you woke up in some weird place suddenly. He decided that he should start with introductions. "Alright. Hi there. I'm commander Gorlok 12." He then gestured to each of the other lobster men in the room in turn.

"That's Kevin."

"I'm a doctor!" He said while pulling his latex glove taught on his claw once more.

"Hank."

"Swag swag swag." Replied Hank.

"Kyle."

"I'm pretty sure I foreshadowed ponies like 10 chapters ago." He replied in a smug tone.

"Tommy."

"I had sex with a centipede once." He said with pride.

"And Arnold."

"Astalavista, baby!"

Gorlok 12 decided to ignore all their dumb responses for the time being. "As for what we are, we're all lobster men." He looked to see if that brought any recognition but she still looked confused, so he continued. "You are currently onboard our lobster ship in the med bay."

"What!?" She yelled out in a mixture of anger and confusion.

"We found you hurtling through spa-" Started Gorlok 12, only to be cut off.

"Why am I on your ship?!" She demanded. "Did you foalnap me?! HUH?!"

"If you'd let me explain..." Continued Gorlok 12 calmly, but Twilight wasn't having it.

"Let me off right now or I'll... I'll... I'll get Celestia to banish you all to the sun!" She threatened, but Gorlok 12 was hardly intimidated. It's not like the sun would kill him, he's a lobster man.

Gorlok 12 just looked at her calmly as she glared daggers at him. Not literally, as that would probably hurt both parties involved. After giving her a few seconds he continued talking in the hopes that she wouldn't interrupt him this time. "As I was saying, we found you-"

"Lies!" He was once again interrupted by the hysterical unicorn. "I don't want to hear your lies! Just drop me o-"

"Shut up!" Yelled out Gorlok 12. Twilight stopped mid word and stared at him blankly for a second before her gaze turned back into a glare. Gorlok 12 couldn't help but feel a little smug that he got to interrupt her back, but he hid this with his professional poker face. "I'm going to explain what's going on. You just have to remain calm. Ok?" He asked.

She continued to glare, but eventually she nodded her head so that he would continue. "First off, you are onboard our ship, as I said earlier. We are currently floating through space at approximately thirty-thousand miles per hour. We found you hurtling through space, cocooned in some kind of magic bubble a few hours ago. We pulled you onto the ship and you are currently in the medical bay. Any questions?" He explained slowly.

Her mouth opened as though she was going to ask something, but quickly closed again. Finally she found a suitable question. "Ugh... What?" Clearly this was a lot to take in.

Instead of answering, Gorlok 12 just gave her a few moments to think. Finally she came up with a better inquiry. "Your explanation doesn't make sense. How could I possibly be in space?"

Gorlok 12 shrugged. "I don't know. You were already in space when we found you." Then he got an idea as to how he could prove he was telling the truth. "If you want I can show you around the ship. All you have to do is look out a window to see that I'm not lying."

She briefly considered this before nodding to him. "Alright, but don't try anything." She slipped into a less defensive posture, but continued to eye all of the lobster men carefully. "Lead the way." She finally said.

"Well alright." Gorlok 12 shrugged before motioning for the other lobster men to leave the room with a claw. They complied without saying a word as they clearly all decided to let Gorlok 12 handle the talking for now. They were likely just scared of receiving a laser to the face, as all smart creatures should be. Then again, they did start it by shooting a laser into her head...

Once they were all out of the room Gorlok 12 walked out and motioned for Twilight to follow. They walked down several halls without making a sound before they came to the ship's bridge. There they found several monitors, half of which were occupied by lobster men busy controlling the ship, but more importantly they found windows. Twilight's jaw dropped at the view outside. It was just space, nothing too interesting, but she had always dreamed of seeing it for herself.

Seemingly forgetting the fear she had of the lobster men, she walked over and admired the view out of the window with wide eyes. It was mostly just empty blackness dotted with stars, but every so often they passed close enough to a planet to see some details on them. All of the fear and doubt she had felt just a minute ago had turned into excitement. She had sooo many questions to ask. She turned and was about to get Gorlok 12's attention when one of the lobster men piloting the ship beat her to it.

"Sir, scans are picking up something big heading our way!" The lobster man started pushing buttons at a more frantic pace now and the other lobster men in the room edged closer to get a look for themselves. "By the looks of it, it's coming in at about 45 thousand miles per hour. We have less than two minutes till it reaches us!"

"What is its composition?" Asked Gorlok 12, adopting a more serious tone. "Are we talking a rock here or some kind of ship?"

The lobster man began pushing more buttons, but before he could give a response another lobster man at a different terminal called out. "Sir, we have an incoming transmission from an unknown source!"

"Put it on!" Gorlok 12 shouted. With a few more buttons pushed a huge screen came down from the ceiling, blocking out the view of space from one of the windows. A moment later it flickered to life revealing a happy hot dog man clad in an admiral suit made of condiments. Aside from that, he had a long scar running across the right side of his face and his eye was replaced by a robotic replica.

After a moment, the figure on the screen cleared his throat. "I am admiral Hot Dog Hands!" He spoke in a russian accent despite the fact that hot dogs originate from america. "I know you have the unicorn, hand it over!" He demanded, not even caring for formalities.

Gorlok 12 took a moment to compose his argument before speaking. "No." He clearly stated. The hot dog man looked momentarily confused by this, so he decided to reiterate what he meant. "What I mean to say is; fuck you."

The admiral huffed angrily, clearly insulted, but he quickly calmed himself. "I'm not going to debate with you. We first tracked the unicorn with our long range ador-a-meters three and a half galactic cycles ago, which is way earlier than I suspect you did. What I mean to say is; we saw it first, therefore it's ours! Hand. It. Over."

Gorlok 12 rubbed his chin for a moment as though in thought, but he already made up his mind. Finally he spoke up. "In case you didn't understand me before, I'll make myself perfectly clear. Find a hard object, possibly your own genitals, and FUCK YOURSELF WITH IT! We have the unicorn, suck my dick, and have a nice day."

The admiral simply frowned at that. "I was hoping we could come to some kind of agreement." He shrugged "It matters little, I will not be denied. That unicorn is among the most adorable things we have ever found drifting through space and I will not let it slip through my fingers. Prepare yourself." With that said, the admiral cut the feed from the other side.

"You sure told him!" Shouted Tommy excitedly. "You were all like 'fuck you', and he was all butthurt and stuff!"

"Yeah." Agreed Kyle. "He so mad!"

"Sir!" Yelled out one of the nameless-console-lobster men before they could celebrate the premature victory any further. "The other ship is on a direct course to intercept us in just under a minute. What are your orders?"

Instead of answering, Gorlok 12 took a seat in his pilots chair while switching off auto pilot. He may have been the commander, but he was also one of the best darn pilots there is. He wasted no time in opening up communication with the other six ships in the fleet. "This is your commander speaking. Everyone to battle stations. This is not a drill, we have hostiles incoming in less than a minute. Take up positions beside me and prepare to engage." He flipped the com-link off and slowed the ship to a near halt. The others followed suit.

"Sir, scans indicate that the incoming ship is composed almost entirely out of various meats!" Called out one of the other lobster men. "It's also quite large, we should engage it with caution."

Gorlok 12 scoffed at such a warning. "Caution? I doesn't afraid of anything!" He replied cockily.

Twilight finally chose now to voice he concern. "What's going on?" She questioned nervously, though she was pretty sure of what was happening.

"We're gonna roast some weenies is what's gonna happen." Replied Tommy merrily.

"I do so love a good barbecue!" Said Arnold in his best imitation of a british child.

"But... why..? Can't we, I don't know, apologize?" Asked Twilight sheepishly. She clearly didn't like the idea of getting into a space battle, especially so soon after she got into space.

"I'm afraid negotiations have failed." Said Gorlok 12 without a hint of regret. "Besides, they wanted to take you. I'm not going to let that happen!"

Twilight was somewhat relieved since she had no idea what these other beings wanted her for. Then again, she wasn't sure what these 'lobster men' wanted her for either, but at least they were being nice. To her, that is.

"Don't worry." Reassured Gorlok 12 as he noticed she looked uncomfortable with how things were turning out. "I've been in dozens of space battles. This will be over in no time."

As soon as he finished saying this a huge ship came into view. It quickly slowed to a halt miles in front of them, but it was massive and they were able to see it through a variety of screens that provided a more zoomed-in view. It was easily ten times the size of any of the lobster ships and had the words 'Meat Beater' burnt onto the sides. It was also made almost completely out of various meats which were bound together with a variety of nets, bolts, staples, and long weenie ropes.

"This is it!" Called out Gorlok 12 through his console's built-in microphone. "Move in to engage!" As he said this he pushed a lever forward, providing more power to the engines. They quickly sped forward.

As soon as he gave that order one of the consoles started beeping and the lobster man behind it called out to him. "We're detecting smaller ships, about two dozen, coming out of the big one, most likely fighters."

"Incoming fighters!" Gorlok 12 repeated to the rest of the fleet. "Focus the smaller guns on them until you have a clear shot on the main ship."

As he said this, a barrage of various projectiles shot forward from each lobster ship. The fighters immediately took evasive maneuvers. They dodged and weaved with grace not usually attributed to large wads of space-fairing meat. Even so, several of the lobster man's shots made contact with deadly results. One meat-fighter was vaporized as a large, hardened, mind-carrot bore through the front and out the other side which, for some reason, caused the craft to explode sending delicious meat chunks out in all directions. Another was barraged with a swarm of angry badgers that latched on and quickly devoured its wings causing it to also explode.

Unfortunately, several of the meat ships managed to evade fire for long enough to get within firing range. They began firing plump, fully-cooked chickens with deadly accuracy, putting dents in several of the lobster ships' hard carapaces. Their weapons were ultimately ineffective, though, and the rest were quickly shot down.

By this time, the lobster ships were nearing the main meat ship and Gorlok 12 was about to give the order to fire their primary weapons. That is, until the front of the ship angled towards one of the lobster ships and began to glow ominously. Gorlok 12 saw what was about to happen and called it out almost immediately. "Pull up, Crab!" 'Crab' being short for 'Crab in a Trap', which was one of his ship's names.

Alas, it was too late. Out from the front of the meat ship a torrent of deadly barbecue sauce fired with deadly accuracy, hitting the Crab in a Trap right at the base of one of its arms. The barbecue sauce easily penetrated the weak point in the ship's hull, cutting through all the way to the vital nuclear reactor. What followed was a brief scream through the com-link by the ship's captain before it was cut off by a massive explosion that would have put an atom bomb to shame had it not been snuffed out quickly by the vacuum of space.

Gorlok 12's brow furrowed. Clearly this ship was more dangerous than he had anticipated. "Steer clear of the main gun! Once you have a clear shot, take it!" He ordered as he veered their ship off so they were running parallel to the enemy ship. "Let's see how you like it." He muttered while switching his primary cannons to fire barbecue sauce.

Once he was close he fired, shooting a stream of honey-glazed sauce out of the large cannons that replaced the lobster ship's claws. It hit its target, but did little damage.

One of the other lobster men quickly called out a report. "Our attack had little effect, however scans are indicating that the enemy craft is now over 30% tastier!"

The rest of the ships also flew by, firing off different weapons with varied results. "Circle around for another run!" Gorlok 12 ordered once they were past the large ship. As soon as he said this, the top of the ship was struck by a large meatball which chipped off a piece of the hull. Several others flew past in quick succession. Gorlok 12 reacted almost instantly, throwing the ship into a steep downward angle to avoid more of the projectiles.

A quick look at the enemy ship revealed that it had taken fire with the dozen or so 250mm cannons built along its sides. They were busy spewing out huge meatballs at hundreds of rounds per minute with deadly accuracy. Most of the ships had already taken several hits before Gorlok 12 gave the order to take evasive action.

After getting out of the immediate line of fire from the cannons Gorlok 12 angled the ship back up, flying straight towards its underbelly. He quickly toggled through the weapons as he got close before finding something suitable. "Let's cook that sucker up!" He said while firing a volley of several dozen small missiles from a pair of missile launchers on the ship's back.

Needless to say, they were dramatically more effective than the barbecue sauce. The attack blew apart a large chunk of the meat hull, leaving the ship ship not only thoroughly cooked, but also exposed. Gorlok 12 swooped around once more, avoiding the brunt of the attack by staying below the ship and out of its effective firing range, before lining up another shot in the meat ship's now exposed underbelly.

With a smirk that rivaled that of even Paul's, he channeled his lobster mind powers into his ship and fired a cluster of Nicolas Cage heads into the breach.

"Hey, have you ever been dragged to a sidewalk and beaten 'til you PISSED BLOOD?!" They yelled in unison- or they would have if sound traveled through space- before colliding with the exposed ship's innards. There was a moment where nothing happened and Gorlok 12 almost thought that his attack hadn't worked, but then a series of small explosions burst out through the hull from bottom to top. Within seconds the now-charred Nicolas Cage heads smashed their way out through the top part of the ship with a mighty explosion, cutting it in half.

Now severed in two, the huge meat ship stopped firing as several more explosions rang through its chambers and the lobster men all gave out victory cheers.

"Wooo, looks like we'll be eating like kings tonight!" Yelled Kyle.

"Yes, let's feast on that beast!" Cheered Kevin.

"They won't look so tuff when all their bacon is taken!" Replied Arnold.

"They should beat their meat into a hasty retreat." Commented Hank with a shrug. "Then again, I think it's too late for that now."

"Let's commandeer their beef, chief." Suggested Tommy to Gorlok 12.

"I'm more concerned with getting their baby backs in my baby sacks." Responded Gorlok 12.

"That's a lot of meat. To carry it all we'll probably have to tie those pork chops onto our ships' tops." Observed Kevin.

"We can eat all kinds of meat now, but you all know the chicken is what I'll be pickin'." Said Kyle. "I cook a mean teriyaki, you'll see."

"With any luck, they'll have some roast duck." Stated Tommy.

"I can't even imagine how long it'll take to eat all that steak." Started Hank.

"I'll have enough meat to send to the whole family. I hope my parents like getting veil in the mail!" Spoke Kyle.

"If they just offered some roast goose I'm sure we could have come to a truce." Arnold spewed from his mouth.

"I just wish they had some fish..." Complained Kevin with a sigh.

"Cheer up, sport. I'm sure we'll find some trout layin' about." Comforted Arnold.

"I'll probably get fat from crammin' so much salmon into my mouth." Noted one of the unnamed and worthless background lobster men.

"If they have seafood, I'm gonna nab all their crab." Admitted Hank.

"Just don't eat any crawdad, they're similar to lobsters and cannibalism is bad." Warned Gorlok 12.

"Cannibalism isn't that bad, don't be a wimp. I mean, they're like lobsters but we still eat shrimp." Pointed out Hank.

"They better have some baloney, when making sandviches, it's key!" Shrieked Kyle.

"Don't forget the venison, I'm sure they have a ton!" Moaned Tommy.

"I'll bet that ship's bridge is made of sausage!" Screamed Kevin.

"No amount of salami is enough for me." Confessed Arnold.

"I'm gonna ram some ham into my gob!" Squealed Kyle like a bitch.

"I'm gonna eat so much, they'll refer to my genocide of barbecue sauce as the holocause!" Rhymed Hank, albeit poorly.

"We'll have enough to fill the halls with meatballs!" Confirmed Tommy.

"I want chicken, I want liver, meowmix cat food please deliver!" Sang Kevin.

"I could sing about how much I love yao ming- chicken." Uttered Kyle.

"I'll make you guys some turkey jerky." Offered Gorlok 12.

"Why not just have a nice salad?" Asked Twilight Sparkle.

Instantly everyone in the room turned and gave her that face. She laughed nervously and folded her ears back. "Or not..."

Gorlok 12 sighed. He couldn't stay mad at that adorable face. "We had a good run guys... The rhymes were getting pretty bad anyways." He admitted.

Everyone was inclined to agree, especially since they were running out of types of meat that actually rhymed with anything.

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Alright... I'll stop that there. These chapters continually end up being longer than I anticipated. Oh well, I rather liked this chapter.

But seriously, I was planning on this story ending like 5 chapters ago, at least. Oh well, the more the merrier, right? ....Right?

So, if any of you can think of a good humping pun or reference you should totally post it in a comment. I have to think of a title for the new halo man story. So far I'm thinking Halo man in Equestria 2: Return of the Humps, mainly because I can't think of anything better. If you can't think of anything that's fine... I won't like... Be sad... Or anything... *sobs quietly into the keyboard, somehow typing this out with my face*