"Stop humping those corpses." Yelled Steve who seemed somewhat grossed out by my behavior. I can't imagine why he would feel disturbed by my humping of dead bodies.

"What else am I supposed to do with corpses?" I asked as I stepped away from the pile of dead bug ponies.

"Any number of things. For example: You can bury them, or perhaps pretty much anything that doesn't involve tea-bagging them."

"Pshhh. Bury them? I already have lvl 99 prayer." I said while winking at the fourth wall.

(Damn it... A Runescape reference was bound to happen eventually. Rest assured I'm not proud of myself.)

"Stop that thing." Said Mr. Steve.

"What thing?" I asked, genuinely confused.

"That thing with your big, dumb eye."

"I'm still confused as to what you're referring to, but if it'll shut your bitching mouth-flap I'll try my hardest to stop doing something with my eye." I said with a wink.

"Fuck! You did it again!" He yelled angrily.

"Will you guys just kiss already? Your constant flirting is starting to get on my nerves. That's saying something since, as a conch, I lack nerves."

"The only person I'm going to kiss is your mother, right on the lips. But not until after the two of us go out to dinner because I'm a gentleman."

"I'm confused so I'll just assume Mr. Conch said something. Anyways, my mother is a fish."

"Fair game." I shrugged. Fish are cool in my book. "Hey Steve, can I ask you a serious question?"

"No." He said flatly.

"I'm going to anyways. Do you ever wonder if perhaps you didn't actually get reincarnated as a robot and instead this is just some horrible hallucination made by your brain in the last few moments before your death in an attempt for it to get some closure or perhaps convince itself that there was nothing wrong and that you aren't actually dying?"

"I think it's far more likely that this is all some creative hell made specifically for me."

"Or perhaps this is creative heaven. After all, you do get to bask in my glorious glory." I said without even an ounce of sarcasm.

If he had the ability to roll his robotic eyes right then, he probably would have. "My built in glory sensors aren't picking anything up, so I'm inclined to believe that you aren't glorious in the slightest."

Damn... Why did I build him with glory sensors? "You're bluffing. My glory is sung across the universe. You bask in the presence of someone who is infinitely your superior."

"Infinitely stupid, is more like it."

"If I was infinitely stupid, then could I have the do the thing with want to become done?"

He looked at me for a few seconds, but decided not to respond. A clever move. The only way to win the game of Paul conversations is not to play. Instead he began walking towards our destination again. Perhaps stopping every thirty seconds to have a chibbity-chit chat isn't very productive. With that said, I started walking with him.

"So what makes you think you can even break Celestia's knees? Isn't she like a sun monster or something?" Asked Steve.

I really hadn't thought about that. Oh well, I'll just do what I always do and act cocky while winging it (No, that's not a bird pun [even though Paul is a 'raptor' {which is a term used for predatory birds}]). "Sun monster? Last I checked she was a pony, and I've murdered enough ponies to know that... Well... It's easy to murder ponies."

"Yeah but she's a really big pony. I also heard she has super sun magic."

I quickly gave him a look that asked 'orlly?', before continuing with what I thought was the most appropriate response. "If I had a money for every magic I don't believe in, I'd have all the money you eat."

"The money here is made of gold. I may be a robot, but not even I can eat gold. In fact, I can't eat anything. So that means you don't believe in magic zero times and therefore you do believe in magic."

Damn his logic. "Perhaps I just don't have an opinion on magic. Just because I don't not believe in it, that doesn't mean I do believe in it."

"You've made it abundantly clear that you do have an opinion on it."

"I can't recall mentioning magic once." When in doubt, play dumb. "Pics or it didn't happen."

"I've taken recordings of every conversation we've had together. If you want, I can play them for you." Well shit, I forgot he has built in recording equipment. Why did I give him all this stuff? He's like an argument machine!

"Fine, fine. You win this round, Steve. But be warned, like an elephant, I never forget... To kill!"

"What the hell is an elephant?" He asked.

"That's irrelephant (or EARelevant... You know... Because Elephants have big ears). We should be focused on getting to Celesti-boat."

"That's what I was saying before you decided to change the subject. How are you planning on breaking Celestia's knees? Didn't you say earlier you always have a plan?"

I did say that, didn't I? "I'm a sex raptor. That's all the plan I need."

"Hey look, cat birds. I know how much those seem to love you." Pointed out Steve. Sure enough, a pair of cat birds just finished beheading a spy crab in the street ahead of us and now focused their attention on us. Then the obvious came next, they decided that they wanted us dead. It wasn't a surprise at this point when one let out an eagle-like scream and half ran half flew at us with an axe raised up in one claw.

I was about to dispense my economy justice straight into his face when an even louder screech pierced the air, heralding the arrival of another pterodactyl. The gryphon didn't stand a chance as the larger flyer swooped down and carried him away in its talons. The other gryphon stood its ground with a short spear out, clearly expecting me to make the first move. In that case... I simply fired my economic energon at him in the form of a laser. I haven't used that in forever anyways. The economy is gonna get pissed if I keep neglecting it.

As his now slightly charred body fell to the street, I decided a witty one-liner was completely necessary. "The eagle has landed mother fucker!" Ok, I wouldn't describe that as 'witty', but good enough... I guess.

"Your one liners are worse than the line at the DMV." Said Steve.

I just turned and looked at him wondering if he was serious or not. It's really hard to tell whether or not a robot is joking based on their facial features. "Was that supposed to be a joke? Also, how do you even know what a 'DMV' is?"

"What you think fish don't have cars? And no, that wasn't a joke. The line at the DMV is always shitty."

"Fish have... Cars?" I asked, somewhat perplexed by the idea of a truck-driving fish.

"What, you think just because we're fish we swim everywhere? Typical."

"Well excuuuuuuse me princess, I only know fish about as far as I can throw them." Then again, I can throw things pretty far. Up ahead slightly was another bug pony and a guard pony kicking at each other in what was probably an epic battle to them. To prove my point, I simply picked up Steve and tossed him over my head at them before they could say anything. The bug pony never stood a chance. One second he was engaged in mortal combat, the next a robot unicorn that was formerly a fish flew from the sky and crushed him. Fate has such a cruel sense of humor.

The other pony looked pretty surprised, but he quickly ran off once he saw me approaching. That's probably the smartest pony I've seen all day.

"Fuck you!" Yelled Steve as he picked himself up off the ground. He was now covered in the blood and viscera of the dead bug pony.

"Don't fret. It makes you look more intimidating." I tried to calm him down.

"Intimidate this!" He yelled while firing a bolt of electricity in my direction. It missed by about a foot, thankfully.

"I can't. Electricity can't comprehend fear." I stated matter-of-factly.

He was glaring at me pretty hard. "Now I'm covered in guts you dick."

"On the bright side, you have a stomach now. That means we can get ice cream!"

He continued glaring at me as he pushed the entrails off his back. "I don't think it works that way."

"Sure it does." I winked at him. "All you need is a little magic. You believe in that, right?" He seemed pretty pissed off. The smart thing to do would be not to antagonize him, seeing as though a bolt of lightning to the face would really hurt, but doing the smart thing is stupid.

Then his mood seemed to lighten as he began chuckling. "I must have weighed an exoskeleTON if I crushed him that easily."

"I guess he couldn't STOMACH having you on top of him!"

"He would have fought back, but he was SPINELESS!"

Wow... More puns. How original. "That's so funny I forgot..."

"You forgot...?" Asked Steve.

"I forgot..." I confirmed.

"I almost forgot that I wasn't going to murder you someday. Thankfully I just remembered."

"Oh demonic conch, I know you're just saying that. Deep down I'm sure you value our friendship and revel in every moment we spend together. Don't worry, I know you just say those insults because you have trouble properly expressing your undying love for us. I just want you to know, I understand and I wouldn't trade our friendship for all the ice cream in the sea!"

"I don't celebrate any holidays, so it means a lot when I say I'm going to mark my calender on the day you die and celebrate that day each year for the rest of eternity."

"I'm flattered that you would make a holiday about me. I knew you cared!" I said with a smirk. As we walked down the road we continued slaughtering anything we saw. Fortunately, the fighting was pretty scattered by now so we didn't meet any real resistance. We also had to kill some spy crabs as apparently they didn't recognize us as friendlies. I'll have to talk to Dance Blaster about that later. Thankfully no helicopters shot at us. I only saw two of them still flying around and they seemed more focused on shooting at pterodactyls and bug ponies than us.

Finally we made it to where the huge group of ponies were fighting at. They were engaging the main force of the spy crabs in a choke point, so that was going fine for them. Unfortunately, bug ponies were attacking from where ever they could. I decided that trying to go in the same way as the spy crabs probably wasn't going to be very easy, so I went down a back alley. The spy crabs didn't seem to be exploiting this alley, but even so there were six guards posted there.

As I got close, I decided that maybe they could help me out. "Hey guys, is princess Celestia here?"

Instead of answering they tensed up and glared at me as menacingly as possible. "Why do you want to see her?"

"So I'm assuming she is here then. I need to meet her so I can break her knees." I stated casually. I don't know what other outcome I should have expected, but as soon as I threatened the princess, her royal guards looked like they were about to attack. "All right, this gives me an opportunity to tell a joke." I cleared my throat. "What's the difference between six pony guards and a hundred dead babies?"

"What?" Questioned Steve.

"I cook babies in the microwave before I eat them." I stated. It was a really bad joke, but it's the truth.

"Stop!" Yelled someone from above us. Of course we all looked up to see none other than Celestia glide down and land in front of the guards. "Are you telling dead baby jokes to my guards?" She questioned.

"Why yes. Yes I was." I stated proudly.

"Why?"

I shrugged. "If I don't, then who will?"

"A valid point. I doubt any self-respecting pony would make baby jokes. Though it was kind of funny, in a shock-humor sort of way. A pity I have to kill you."

"Woah woah. You want to kill me? I feel like that's a little harsh, I was just planning on breaking your knees."

"Harsh? I should have you tortured in the dungeons until you expire for what you've done! Killing you is letting you off easy! Unfortunately, I don't have time to torture you."

"What I did? You ponies are the ones who started it!"

"WHAT?!"

"That's right. I just crashed in my spaceship. And next thing I know there's all these ponies everywhere. Naturally, I did what I always do, I was polite and I tried to make friends. I thought Twilight was my friend, but then she tried murdering me with a rock, then she called the cops on me and acted like everything was my fault! Then again it wasn't actually Twilight, it turns out she was actually an impostor."

"WHAT?!?!"

"I know right. I'm the victim here." I finished.

"No no no. What was that about Twilight being an impostor?"

"Turns out she was actually queen Hentai, some big tentacle pony that's been living underground and sabotaging everything in Equestria for the last like 1500 years. She set me up because she wanted you to fight me. She explained it all before she started fighting the queen bug pony in the castle."

"WAIT WHAT?!?" She paused for a second "...Do you think I'm stupid?"

"I think you're a lot of things." I responded casually.

"You honestly expect me to believe that you're innocent and that tentacle ponies caused all of this."

"Well.... To be perfectly honest. I did kill the Zebra, and I caused property damage and stuff. But I didn't try to kill Twilight. She's the one who attacked me. Of course, like I said, she was an impostor."

She looked at me for a second, and I noticed her horn was glowing. "You seem to be telling the truth."

"Yeah, I do that sometimes." I shrugged. "Anyways, I came here to break your knees."

"What? Why do you want to break my knees?!"

"You tried to kill me even though I was innocent! I want revenge!"

"You killed tons of guards and this whole thing right now is your fault!"

"Because you started it!" I argued.

"YOU STARTED IT!" She yelled.

"Not-ah! Twas you. I'm innocent!"

"Will you guys shut up?!" Yelled Steve. We both turned and glared at him for interrupting our argument. "Just skip to the make-up sex already."

I looked back at the princess and noticed for the first time how sexy her flank was. She seemed to be examining me too. "Make-up sex?" I asked the princess.

She bit her lip, but quickly shook her head. "I've never had sex with a dragon, nor do I want to." Everybody thinks I'm a dragon... Oh well, she may have been saying 'no', but her eyes were saying 'yes' as she was clearly checking out my sweet bod.

"I'm not a dragon. Like I keep telling everybody, I'm a sex raptor!" The look she gave me made it clear she wasn't buying that. "Like I said before, I crash landed in my spaceship. I'm not even from this planet!"

Once again her horn was glowing and she seemed slightly taken aback. "What! But, you're telling the truth!"

I shrugged. "Like I said, I do that sometimes. How do you know anyways?"

"Truth spell, it tells me if someone is lying..." She seemed quite surprised that I was telling the truth for some reason. Wtf is a 'truth spell'? Oh well, that's not important. "So... You're an alien?" She finally asked.

"Hehe, to me. You're the aliens!" I know it's the cheesiest line ever, but I had to say it. It's like an obligation. Then I remembered my new mission. "So... Like I said, I'm a sex raptor, not a dragon."

"Why do they call you a 'sex' raptor anyways?" She batted her eyelashes.

"Why don't I show you?"

She kept biting her lip as she seemed to be debating with herself. "Fine." She blurted out, before clarifying. "If it means I don't have to fight you, that is."

Then Steve started playing his music.

"Oh, we'll be fighting all right." I winked at her which elicited a small blush. Clearly she wasn't used to getting hit on. Ponies probably avoid her because she looks different from them. They seem pretty xenophobic.

"Let's go somewhere a little more private. Guards, you're dismissed." They seemed reluctant to follow that order, but it didn't matter, she was already walking off. "Come on." She said back to me. So we kicked in some random pony's door. All the civilians had been evacuated out of their homes so of course there was no one home. Thankfully, that particular family seemed pretty rich and had a large bed in the master bedroom. Then we had gratuitous amount of sex.

(I hope you didn't think this was going to turn into a clop fic for even a second)

Twenty minutes later and we just finished with round 10 and we were now laying there covered in sweat. I was smoking a cigarette while she absently stroked a hoof across my chest. "That was amazing, Paul."

"Bitch I know it. Now you know why they call me a 'sex' raptor."

Then demonic conch, who was now sitting on a nightstand by the bed, spoke up. "Please kill me..."

Celestia jumped a bit at the sudden voice. "Who was that?"

"Just my stupid conch that has a demon soul trapped in it. Shut up demonic conch, you know you liked it."

"It was like watching a crocodile fight a zebra on the discovery channel..."

"You're just jelly cause you can't death roll like me." I stated.

"Are you guys done?" Asked Steve from the doorway where he was standing.

Celestia jumped a bit at yet another unexpected visitor until she noticed him standing there. "How long have you been there?" She asked carefully.

"I followed you guys in, also I recorded that."

"WHAT?!" Yelled Celestia. "Get rid of it immediately!"

"S-S-S-Super nope!" He replied. "I'm gonna get so many views when I put this on the fishternet."

Oh god... Fishternet? Is that a mix of 'fish' and 'internet'? Then suddenly another pony ran through the door. "Princess Celestia! There you are, I've been looking all... Over... For you..." He trailed off as he noticed me and Steve, not to mention how sweaty the princess was.

She instantly stood up and tried to act like nothing happened, but it was much too late for that. "Captain Shining Armor. Paul and I were just... Settling our differences..." She explained.

"Through sex." I clarified as I got up off the bed. This resulted in a glare from Celestia.

"...Anyways... The fish pony fleet is already traveling over the city. We won't be able to fight them off while simultaneously fighting the changelings and other army though." He stated.

Then I got a brilliant idea. I big huge grin spread across my face as I realized that I held all the cards right now. "I think I may be able to fix that, Princess."

"Really!? That would be wonderful, What do you have-"

"Ah-ah." I interrupted. "I can call off the spy crab army and even help you, under one condition."

"Name it! We don't have much time!"

I smirked to myself as I leaned in and whispered in here ear. Her smile immediately faded. "WHAT!? NO! NEVER!"

"I suppose the entire population of ponies isn't that important I teased."

She rubbed her face with a hoof in frustration as she considered my deal. After about a minute she finally gave in. "Fine... But I don't like this. And I'm not doing it unless you save all the ponies."

"No. I see you trying to worm your way out of this. There's no way I can save ALL the ponies."

"Then how about if we're victorious?" She questioned.

"Victory is a matter of opinion." I stated. It's true! "How about if we defeat the enemy armies?"

She sighed as it was either my deal or quite possibly lose the whole city. "Fine..." She grumbled.

"Then we have a deal! Steve, I want a copy of that tape... Eventually... Now then, let's go kill us some fish ponies!" I stated as I grabbed demon conch and walked out of the room.
---------------

Yeah... that chapter was mostly dialogue. It's a lot more fun to type that way at least. Hehe, Paul had the super sex with Celestia. I feel like that was required at this point. No clop here. If you want Celestia x Paul, go write it yourself.

See, Paul isn't the bad guy, he's just misunderstood. All the horrible things he's done don't count.