Me typing things that aren't very important: Yay 500 unique views on this story. Too bad only like 1/7 people actually read past the first few chapters.
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Celestia sat on her throne doing her best not to have some kind of mental breakdown. She had just opened up the day court for ponies to come talk to her and she was already being harassed by angry Canterlot elites (no, not the halo aliens. I got the mental image of an elite with a unicorn horn murdering shit with a laser sword...). She hardly even had a chance to finish her coffee this morning. At the moment she was sitting on her throne while one of the many stuck up ponies explained all his problems. Problems, mind you, that are exactly the same as the last five ponies that came in.

What are these problems? Well that's simple. The Canterlot ponies were butthurt. Why? Because they had to share their homes with the residents of Ponyville. After evacuating the entire town into Canterlot it became apparent that there simply wasn't enough room for them in the castle and inns. With that said, Celestia ordered for many of the residents to share their homes with the refugees for the time, something they weren't very happy about.

Of course, that's not the only reason. As luck would have it, they had not one, but two reasons to complain to Celestia. Late yesterday evening aid from Donkeytropolis and Muletopia arrived in the form of about a thousand soldiers. Unfortunately, this meant that they had to cater to a thousand dirty sub-ponies. Celestia despised their kind for the sole reason that they were unholy pony spawns, but they were here to help so she had to be nice. So she gave them room in the alley ways between houses to camp (much to the citizens' relief, they didn't have to invite the dirty sub-ponies into their homes). Unfortunately, they still wanted to complain about them being in the city to start with. If nothing else, the Canterlot ponies are extremely racist, as is the case with most ponies, so they felt the need to come to Celestia and tell her how upset they were about everything.

At the moment she was 'listening' to a particularly whiny unicorn who didn't like how the donkeys tracked dirt on the beautiful streets. Honestly, she was mostly zoned out and just nodded every once in a while, but his annoying voice grated into her ear holes with every word. She probably would have lost it and flayed this pony right here, if Twilight wasn't standing with her. The purple unicorn had been hanging out with Celestia every waking moment since she arrived in Canterlot (again) and it was starting to get annoying. At first she enjoyed the attention, but that ended when she realized just how obsessed with her Twilight is. It's pretty creepy...

So instead of murdering the pony right then and there and scarring Twilight for life, she just leaned her head on a hoof while the unicorn went on about how horrible it is dealing with donkeys. Honestly, she'd rather be dealing with donkeys right now then these ponies. As soon as that thought left her brain meat she was met by a fowl smell. No, not the smell of a donkey. This was one of those smelly smells. It smelled like something that's... Smelly...

She stood up and started taking a few whiffs of the air, much to the unicorn's surprise. She didn't care about him though, this was a familiar smell, and she just couldn't place where it was from. Then recognition suddenly hit her and her eyes widened.

"Princess, what's wrong?" Asked Twilight as she noticed her mentor acting strangely.

She just stood still for a few seconds, before yelling, "Incoming shit storm!" and rushing off through the front door of the castle.

The unicorn and Twilight shared confused looks before the latter ran off after her mentor to see what was going on. Celestia didn't go far, though, as she stopped as soon as she got to the guard's barracks. If her prediction was accurate, things were gonna' get hairier than an orangutan's balls.

She didn't even make it through the door before she was approached by a winded (haha) looking pegasus guard. "Princess!" (Not to be confused with princest [which is best cest, by the way]) He said before bowing.

"At ease." She was about to continue into the barracks when he started talking to her again.

"Princess, I spotted a huge army of Gryphons flying towards the city! They are at least a thousand strong! They'll be here in a few hours!"

Well that explains where the feeling came from. Honestly she was expecting something worse... Gryphons she could handle. "All right, go inform the captains, they can organize the defense." She waved him off with a hoof and allowed herself a moment to calm down before turning to go back to the castle. She was almost immediately met by an exhausted (haha) Twilight Sparkle.

"Wha...Is....The...Problem?" She managed to say between gasping for breath.

"Oh hey, it's no big deal. I thought something bad was going to happen but it turns out we're just being attacked by the gryphons."

"Haha." Twilight laughed for a moment as she began to recover from her earlier respiratory problems. "I was worried that it might be something scary for a second there."

They shared a long laugh at this, which was promptly interrupted as another tired (haha! Ok, it was only a pun the first time...) pegasus flew up to them.

"Princess!" He yelled before bowing.

Celestia just rolled her eyes, this kind of thing got old after a few thousand years. "At ease..."

"We spotted an army coming up the trail to Canterlot! They resemble the things from the forest that we killed, and they'll be here within a few hours!"

"Go inform the captains immediately." She said before dismissing him with another wave of her hoof.

As soon as he was out of ear shot and her and Twilight were alone she allowed herself to react. "FUUUUUUCK!" She shouted, startling Twilight. "Paul is attacking too?! What's next, the sea ponies?!" She looked around to make sure there were no more pegasi guards to fly down and inform them of the impending threat of yet another army.

"I don't see what the problem is." Inquired Twilight. "This way we can destroy all our enemies at once. I mean, they are attacking our most fortified position and we have over three thousand ponies and... sub-ponies defending the city."

"I suppose you're right. Though I wish the zebras weren't taking their sweet time getting here. No matter, we can easily crush them both and then we can celebrate by taking a chocolate bath!" That wasn't some sexual innuendo, Celestia has a jacuzzi that fills up with warm chocolate.

"Yeesssss yesssss!" Said Twilight as she began rubbing her hooves together and giggling.

Celestia couldn't help but start laughing as well. "Muahaha, muuuuahahahahahaha!"

Before long the two of them were in a fit of maniacal laughter that any super villain would be proud of.

--

The army of spy crabs was already half way up the mountain and hadn't met any resistance. Dance Blaster would have thought it was a trap, if he didn't know for a fact that ponies suck at all things military related. He was currently wearing the thin armor that Paul made for him, along with a long black robe that made him feel like a proper necromancer. To his side, Stephen was wearing his armor and riding sprinkles around like a mount. It amazed Dance Blaster that Paul was able to tame a manticore, they were previously thought to be viscous blood thirsty creatures devoid of feelings or emotions.

Behind him walked a huge horde of spy crabs and reanimated woodland creatures, mostly bunnies and squirrels. They lacked any real formation, but made up for that with numbers. Of course, in the front rank of the army was the big orange dragon that he reanimated. Its scales lacked their usual sheen and its eyes had been gouged out, but it was still a deadly killing machine. Unfortunately, it couldn't fly without the help of magic, and since it was dead it had no magic. With that said it had to march along with the rest of the army.

As they came around a bend in the trail, they were able to once again see Canterlot in the distance. It would be less than an hour now before they were ramming down the gates. He briefly wondered when the inevitable defense was going to come and was almost immediately answered as hundreds of pegasi rose up above the walls of the city. He looked back at the helicopters providing air support hoping that they would be enough to keep the pegasi from decimating their ranks from above.

He was reassured when he heard the sound of the helicopters' mounted guns spinning up and firing out streams of burning lead at the oncoming pegasi. At that point he decided not to worry about it, surely the helicopters could do their jobs.

Up in the air the pegasi swooped around trying to avoid the bullets. More than a few failed at that and were filled with holes along the way. Unfortunately, once they were close enough, they didn't know exactly what to do. They had no idea how to kill something made entirely out of metal so they flew around trying to avoid the guns while searching for a weakness. Unfortunately they didn't find anything obvious so they ended up just flying in and kicking at whatever was close enough before getting away.

Needless to say it wasn't very affective as the metal casing of the helicopters was built to withstand worse than a few pony kicks. The battle only got worse for the ponies as the helicopters began firing off missiles that homed in on them before exploding. Not only were they extremely deadly, but the loud bangs left a ringing in their ears further disorienting them. Needless to say, it wasn't long before most of them were in full retreat back to the relative safety of the city.

Only a few remained, refusing to give up. They flew up into the air high above the helicopters who were busy firing off after the retreating guards. The four of them looked at each other and nodded before diving straight down at the closest helicopter.

"FOR CELESTIA!" They yelled out in unison as they gained speed. The helicopter never got a chance to escape before four ponies smashed into the rotor on top. They were promptly ground into a fine paste, however their bones and armor easily damaged the helicopter's blades. It started to spin out of control as the mechanism keeping it up became unresponsive.

The spy crabs in the cockpit (lol, cockpit) began yelling out as they lost control of the craft. "Red penis going down! Red penis going down!"

After a few moments of trying to recover control the craft plummeted several hundred feet to the base of the mountain where it exploded.

Dance Blaster went to the side of the cliff and looked down at the wreckage before a large smile covered his face. "Hey guys. It looks like the red penis," He put on a pair of sunglasses that he pulled out of nowhere. "Exploded!"

YEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

"Ah merde..." Replied the closest spy crab as it face palmed.

"Maybe they should have taken some," He pulled his sunglasses off just to put them on again. "Viagra! Get it, because then they wouldn't have gone down..."

he was met with nothing but unamused looks from the spy crabs.

"Too soon?" They all nodded confirming that it was, in fact, 'too soon'.

--

The wind felt good as it flowed effortlessly through my long luxurious mane. It flopped around... And stuff... Ok, I don't know what hair feels like, so I can't really describe it. I'm a mutha chuggin sex raptor, I don't even have hair! But I can dream, can't I? I mean, I need something to do while riding around on Steve's back. We were just flying around below the city waiting for our chance to sneak up. It would be much easier to do worthwhile damage if we weren't spotted.

That didn't stop me from being annoying though. "Are we there yet?" I asked in as whiny a voice as I could manage.

"Yes. And if you ask that again I swear I'll barrel roll the shit out of you both!" That probably wouldn't end well for me and the conch riding on his back.

"Foolish robot, when we land you should slaughter him in my name!"

"Oh hey demon conch, you haven't had any lines in like five chapters now!"

"Don't remind me. I'm the obvious fan favorite, I don't know what idiot would be stupid enough to deny me screen time."

"You know, it's bad enough that I have to hear your voice, but it's just down right annoying not being able to hear half of the conversation." Said Steve.

"Tell the dumb robot that if he had a brain I could talk to him."

"Demon conch says he wants to kiss you right on the lips. He has a strange fetish that you're sating by flying around with him on your back and he just can't get over the raging hormones."

"Foolish raptor. When I one day regain my glorious lemon-aid demon body you will be the first that I slaughter!"

"Awww, I didn't know I meant so much to you."

"I WILL MURDER YOU!"

"Oh stop it, you're making me blush." After that comment the demon decided to stay quiet. I kinda' hope he doesn't decide to brain fuck me, because that would suck.

"Will you guys stop flirting? I'm trying to listen to what's going on above us."

"What do your robot ears hear?"

"They're taking the hobbits to Isengaurd... I mean... Ummm, I can't really hear anything." Yeah, even with advanced sex raptor ears I can't really hear what's going on up in the city either.

"Well I think it has been long enough, most of the guards will probably be posted at the front gate because of the approaching army so we can probably sneak in."

"Well alllllrighty then." Said Steve as he flew up around the domed bottom of the city. I still think my explosives idea would have worked... I don't see a single advanced technology anywhere down here keeping the city from collapsing. It didn't take long for us to get top side, then it was just a matter of landing somewhere without getting spotted.

"Alright, this should be easy. Just fly into town and I'm sure nothing will spot us." I said with my usual optimistic attitude.

Unfortunately, I just had to be wrong this time. As soon as we flew up we were spotted by a group of guards from one of the towers. Looking around quickly with my keen sex raptor eyes I could see hundreds of guards stationed all over the place. Clearly they were expecting something... "Well I guess sneaking is out of the question now."

"No shit. Now what?"

"Just find a spot to land, we'll deal with the guards once they become a threat. It will be much easier to fight if we're on the ground."

We quickly flew in between some buildings and landed, the rainbow trail that Steve left behind making it quite obvious where we went. In retrospect, we aren't very sneaky. Oh well, we'll just do this the old fashioned way. I jumped off of Steve with the conch fastened to my belt and pulled out my syringe rifle. I'm not gonna' lie, I looked pretty cool with my armor on. Even if it's mostly just simple plates, my helmet looks badass. I don't care what you think, it looks cool!

Almost as soon as we were on the ground we were confronted by guards. In front of us were what looked like a group of donkeys that were holding spears in their tentacle-like hooves that had emerged from some tents in between the buildings. Behind us was a trio of armored ponies who were close by when we landed.

"Hey Steve."

"Yeah?"

"We need some music."

"Right now?"

"I built you with speakers for a reason goddamn it!"

"Fine." He grumbled as music started to play out of his built in speakers.

"Ok, now that we have music, let's kick some shit!" As soon as I said that one of the donkeys collapsed as his eyes started leaking lemon-aid.

"FOOLISH MORTAL FLESH BEASTS. YOU WILL ALL DIE!" All of the ponies and donkeys were visibly startled by the sudden voice in their heads and started looking around for where it came from. Being the opportunistic sex raptor that I am, I wasn't going to give them time to figure out what was going on. I pulled up my rifle without even spouting any witty one liners and started firing off syringes into the group of donkeys.

By the time they realized that I was attacking, three had already been hit, and the syringes were already doing their job. The sight of their comrades falling down dead around them seemed to jar the donkeys out of their shock and they all leveled their spears towards me before hobbling in my direction on three hooves. Even with one leg occupied with holding the weapon, they moved pretty quickly.

Even so, I managed to get a sick no scope headshot with my weapon before the rest of the group was upon me. Their tactic was obvious, however, as they simply tried to ram their spears into me. With that said it was easy to simply move to the side as the first spear came within reach.

Unfortunately for the donkey, after not hitting me he had too much forward momentum to turn or do anything really. He would have probably ran right past me if I didn't kick out, hitting him in the chest. It wasn't enough to push him away, but it stopped him in his tracks, and by the pained look on his face it probably broke his collar bone too. That was of little concern to me, though. While he was still stunned from the kick I took a step forward and smacked him across the jaw with the butt of my rifle.

The sickening crunch as he fell to the ground was enough to assure me he wouldn't be a threat any longer and I turned my attention to the next closest donkey. Rather than seeing one angry donkey, however, I saw the remaining four of them all moments away from impaling me on their spears. Instead of letting that happen, I jumped up into the air, easily sailing over their heads to the other side of the alley.

From this side I was able to see Steve as he fired a bolt of electricity into one of the royal guards causing the other two to flee. Of course, I didn't let that distract me from the donkeys that were now turning around to face me. Without really aiming I fired off about a dozen syringes, most of which just stuck the same donkey. Needless to say, he was dead almost instantly. The donkeys once again yelled as they tried charging me with their spears only for the one in the middle to stop and clutch his head as lemon-aid streamed down out of is ears and mouth.

Seeing the opening that demonic conch was giving me, I jumped in between the remaining two donkeys, completely avoiding their spears. By that point it was too late for them to do anything as I sliced into one's neck with my razor-sharp talons and bashed the other in the head with my rifle at the same time. They both fell to the ground at once as I struck a heroic pose. You know, just in case there's any ponies with cameras around.

"You see that, that's why I'm the best." I said as Steve walked over.

"Yeah yeah yeah. We should probably get moving though."

"I agree."

"I mean, we should really get moving." He said while pointing towards the other side of the alley where the royal guards had ran. I looked up to see that they came back, with friends. There were at least twenty pony guards there, and they looked pissed. Deciding that I didn't really want to test my luck with the ponies' 'magical' powers I decided to take Steve's advice.

"Well, then. Let's goooooo!" I said as I ran out of the other side of the alley and into the street. We landed pretty close to the castle so it would only be a few blocks to get there. The problem now is dealing with all the guards.

--

The siege was going well so far, for Dance Blaster at least. They made it to the wall with little opposition thanks to the helicopters, and now the dragon was busy ramming away at the gates. Thanks to its thick hide and inability to feel pain it was easily able to shrug off any attacks that the ponies threw at it. Their attacks mostly consisted of magic blasts and arrows, which didn't do a whole lot. Apparently the ponies do have some weapons, unfortunately only unicorns can use them affectively.

Dance Blaster just waited patiently at the front of his army as they listened to the dragon's rhythmic pounding on the gate. At least, for the ponies' sake, they were able to protect the gate pretty well with their magic, but even that was starting to fail under the ferocious attacks from the dragon. It wouldn't be long before the gate came crashing down under the force of the beast's huge claws.

He allowed a smile to cover his face as the magical barriers started to give out. He didn't know why he wanted the ponies dead so much, perhaps it was their name calling when he was young. Even that wouldn't warrant the animosity he felt towards them right now. After thinking about it for a few minutes he decided that it was probably just because he's evil. It's a simple answer and he was going to stick to it.

His attention was once again brought to the dragon as he heard the sound of wood cracking as its claws broke through the last magical barrier. It wouldn't be long now until the gate was brought down, then his huge army could stream in and slaughter the opposition.

Well that was the plan anyways, until the sun shined even brighter than normal sending off unnaturally long rays of light. Dance Blaster was forced to cover his eyes at the intensity of the light, but that didn't stop it from searing into his retinas. Unable to see anything, he could only listen as there was a loud 'bang' before the light died down to normal levels.

Dance Blaster blinked a few times as his vision returned. As it did, the first thing he noticed was that the dragon was no longer there. In its place was a small searing crater filled with ash and a few small fires. He couldn't even see the wall beyond all the smoke and dust in the air. As the ponies on the wall regained their sight they let out cheers as they saw the previously dangerous dragon reduced to ash.

Dance Blaster just smiled to himself. The dragon did its job, it destroyed the magical barriers on the gate. It's death makes little difference now. Deciding to act before they can potentially make any more barriers, he grabbed his walkie talkie. "The gate is vulnerable, hit it with a few missiles."

As soon as he said this one of the remaining five helicopters flew forward and fired a pair of missiles into the wooden gate. Even through the smoke, the sound of snapping wood was enough to confirm that the gate had collapsed. Without waiting for the ponies to react, Dance Blaster gave the order to charge. Instantly the entire army of undead woodland creatures and spy crabs rushed forward towards the breech with Stephen riding in front.

Dance Blaster had to admit, Paul's idea was working pretty well so far.

--

As Celestia neared the outer walls the rhythmic thumping grew louder. She already knew what it was as one of the guards had informed her that a dragon was smashing through the gate. Unfortunately, it was too much for the guards to handle with their meager weapons, so she flew over to help. Once she got there, she was surprised at the dragon's appearance. It was rather large, but it didn't shine with the normal glimmer that dragon scales usually gave off. On top of that, its eyes were both just bloody holes that looked like they had been picked clean by birds.

Clearly this was no ordinary dragon, and she would take pleasure in ending its miserable life. The fact that it was helping Paul was more than enough to warrant its death. She had to act fast though, captain Shining Armor and the rest of the unicorn guards could only keep the gate together for so long under such an attack. With that said, she prepared her most powerful attack.

Lighting up her horn with her magic she looked towards the sun. It seemed to be looking back down at her as she could instantly feel herself being empowered by it. They didn't call her 'Celestia' for nothing. The sun suddenly grew twice as bright temporarily blinding all of the other ponies as she channeled her spell.

"ENEMIES OF THE DAY BEWARE! LEST YOU INVOKE MY... SUUUUUN LAAAAASER!!!!" She yelled out as a beam of pure light shot out of the sun, striking the dragon in the back with a loud 'bang'. Within the blink of an eye, the immense heat of the sun incinerated even the normally heat resistant dragon leaving only ashes behind.

She cut off her spell and panted as the strain of using that much magic began taking its toll. She almost forgot how tiring casting sun lasers is...

After a few moments the guards on the ramparts began to regain their vision and saw the now deceased dragon. They began cheering thinking themselves victorious. Even Celestia smiled at their victory. This was short lived, however, as the gate suddenly exploded.

"Fuck... I forgot about the helicopters..."

Suddenly a pegasus flew up behind her. "Princess, we've spotted the gryphon army from the castle. They'll be here within a few minutes!
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Sorry to stop it right there, but I have to get up early in the morning so I can't type any more right now. I'll just submit this in parts since this part will be kinda long. Don't worry, the shit storm hasn't even started yet.