Ethesto bangs his face on the keyboard: Hey guys! As you can see, I finally stopped procrastinating and typed this! I do put the 'pro' in 'procrastination', after all. Also I made this mature. Even though I don't find anything that happens in this all that disturbing (maybe cuz video games desensitized me to non-real violence years ago), I'm sure someone does. Admittedly, this story is pretty fucked up at this point xD
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Luna was having a wonderful nap. I guess it can't really be called a nap since she normally sleeps all day, but I digress. She was having her favorite dream where a herd of stray cats licked pudding off of her body. Unfortunately, it was abruptly ended as a guard knocked loudly on her door.

She rolled over and groaned putting a pillow over her head to try to drown out the noise, but the knocking continued. Finally she opened her eyes and glared towards the door. "WHAT!" She yelled, obviously angry at being disturbed in the middle of her sleep.

The guard tentatively pushed the door open and stepped into view before bowing. "Your majesty, I have important news that I need to report to you."

"Is it so important that it can't wait?!" She asked with a frown.

The guard seemed very nervous as he answered. "Yes..."

"Then out with it! What's so important that you would disturb my sleep?"

"Two enemy armies are attacking the city. Paul's army is attacking the gates as we speak. Princess Celestia flew down to help ward off the attack, however an army of approximately a thousand gryphons is approaching the castle rapidly from the north."

"Define 'rapidly'."

"They'll be here any minute now."

"WHAT!?" The guard shrunk back as she jumped up out of bed. "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME SOONER?! NEVER MIND, THERE'S NO TIME FOR THAT!" She ran over to the bookshelf and pushed it aside revealing a small hole in the wall. She promptly put her horn into it, filling it with magic before turning back to the guard. "You might want to stand back."

As she said this the furniture in the room was being pulled up against the walls by some magical force while the floor split open, leaving only a platform where Luna was standing. Once it was open all the way the ceiling began to open as well while a large circular platform raised up. Luna jumped onto it while it was rising and pulled a tarp off of an object in the center revealing a huge flack cannon that she had found in an ancient spider lab thousands of years ago. The guard just stared at her blankly from the door way as she took a seat in a chair built into the back of it. Eventually it raised up through where the roof was and came to a stop.

Grasping the levers that move the cannon in her hooves, Luna began feeding ammo into the hopper with her magic as she aimed at the approaching shapes that she knew were no doubt the gryphon army.

"The funs about to be doubled mother fuckers!" She yelled as she opened fire, sending explosive anti-air shells at the enemy army.

--

Surprisingly, it wasn't all that hard getting into the castle. But would you expect anything else from the single greatest sex raptor ever? I would hope not. Honestly, I'd be a little upset if you did. Anyways, we were able to outrun all of the guards on the ground, but the pegasi eventually caught up to us. Of course, there weren't nearly enough of them to be all that threatening.

After a short run through the street we made it to the gate that was guarded by a pair of ponies. A couple of well placed syringes easily remedied that. At that point it was just a matter of opening the gate up and walking in.

"You know, things are actually going pretty good so far." Said Steve as we ran through the gardens to find a way into the castle. No doubt the front door would be heavily guarded so we weren't just going to barge in there.

"Why would you even say that? Now something is going to go wrong for sure."

"What? What could possibly go wrong?"

"You're just trying to piss the universe off now, aren't you?"

After saying that we heard a series of booms and looked up. From the looks of it they had a big gun mounted on top of one of the towers that was shooting at something off in the distance. I just pointed at the approaching figures. "Well I hope you're happy mister..."

"I'm never happy. And quit your worrying, at least the ponies are focused on that instead of us."

"I suppose you're right." We went through the gardens until we got to the side of the castle. Thankfully all the guards were distracted by whatever it is they were shooting at, so they didn't notice us there. After looking around to confirm that there was no one, or rather no pony, around we smashed open one of the stained glass windows and entered the castle.

We entered into a long, empty corridor. It was at that moment that I realized I don't even know where to go.

"Umm, well this is embarrassing. I don't know which way to go."

"Let's just ask one of the servants for directions. There's bound to be one around here somewhere."

Looking both ways, I shrugged and decided to walk to the left side of the hall. Sure enough, it didn't take long for us to see a pony walking down the hall in the other direction. It didn't seem to notice us so we started to approach it.

"Hey pony. Where's the throne room at? We're kinda lost."

The pony stopped walking and scoffed before turning towards us. It looked like it was about to say something but as soon as it saw us its mouth just hung open.

"Oi, pony. We don't have all day." I said, snapping it out of its shock.

The pony grew an offended look on its face. "Who do you think you're calling 'pony' you monster. I am the great prince Blueblood and I will be addressed as such."

"Yeah, prince of being a dog. Now give us directions."

He scowled at me as I said that. "I will not stand here and be insulted. I'll be sure to inform the guards of your presence so they can throw you out of the castle and into the mud where you belong."

I took a step forward and punched him right in the jaw. "Tell me where it is."

"How dare you hit a member of the royal family, I'll make sure you rot in prison for this!"

I just punched him again. "I wasn't asking. Where's the throne room?!"

He looked like he was about to retort so I raised my hand up for another punch which promptly quieted him down. Instead of continuing the argument that I was obviously winning he pointed down the way we came. "It's down there and to the left, now please leave me alone!"

"See. that wasn't so hard." I said and walked off with Steve in tow.

It wasn't a long walk, but I was still surprised to not see any guards around. They must all be outside, I guess. After taking the pony's directions we entered a somewhat big room with balconies along the side and pillars holding up the high roof. It was pretty fancy, but I don't think it was the throne room. I based this on the fact that there were no thrones and the far wall was covered with the biggest most decorated door I've seen so far in the castle. It's not hard to assume that the next room down in the throne room. Of course simply walking in would be much too easy.

"Aww Paul, it's been a while. So glad you could make it." I turned my head to see Twilight Sparkle emerging from a door on the side of the room that I hadn't seen.

--

Dance Blaster charged forward along with his army making sure to keep well out of the front. He wasn't a fighter, he was just here to tell them what to do. He just hoped that the enemy didn't have a good position, his army wasn't exactly full of trained warriors. He couldn't see much through the thick cloud of smoke and dust that still hung in the air from the sun laser beam. He assumed that Celestia had something to do with that, he didn't know of any other unicorn that could use magic that powerful. He just hoped that she couldn't do it again, the last thing he wanted was to suddenly be incinerated.

Despite his obvious discomfort at the idea of being roasted to death, he continued forward as he heard the first screams of battle. No doubt from some very unfortunate ponies who were met by Stephen and Sprinkles. Before long he passed through the gate and the smoke was clear enough for him to see. Just ahead, hundreds of pony guards, donkeys, and even a few minotaurs were rushing down from the ramparts to engage the army that managed to breach their walls. They were armed mostly with spears and swords, though a lot of the ponies were unarmed. Even so there were a lot of them.

The first ones to have made it down into the streets were quickly met by his army, including Stephen who hacked into anything he could reach with his huge sword while Sprinkles ripped them to shreds. The first few lines didn't hold out long against the charging army, but they were quickly aided by more and more soldiers. It wasn't long before they were putting up a reasonable defense and it soon escalated into a blood bath as the two sides tore into each other. The spy crabs lashed out with their knives, trying to hit any week points in the equines' armor while the various undead forest animals ran through the ranks biting into anything they could with their sharp little teeth.

Their teeth hurt, sure, but they were little more than an annoyance in small numbers. They were only a real threat when there was a big group of them and they were able to swarm the enemy. Of course, the ponies will be disappointed if they survive the battle as undoubtably most of them will develop all kinds of diseases from the vermin.

At the same time the ponies and donkeys lashed out randomly with their weapons, hoping to hit anything hostile. They clearly weren't trained all that well with weapons or else the battle would have probably been more one-sided. The ones in the back tried kicking at the various little animals that were biting into their ankles, but to little affect as they were simply too fast. The few minotaurs mixed in with the group were actually putting up a good fight as they were covered in plate armor and wielded large weapons that easily cut through the spy crabs. That is, until they were hacked down by Stephen. He was at least a head taller than any of the minotaurs and his huge weapon was heavy enough to cleave through their armor so they didn't stand much of a chance.

During all of this Dance Blaster just stood and watched as more and more of his soldiers ran past him into the fray. He didn't really know what to do as he was of little help at the moment. He looked around seeing something flying in his direction. He jumped to the ground in time for an arrow to wiz by overhead and stab into a nearby spy crab. He got back to his feet and looked up, now seeing that the archers on the wall had repositioned and were now shooting down at them as they ran through the gate.

--

Queen Chrysalis sat on her throne and flicked at her mane idly with a foreleg. Things were so boring here, but she knew that if she wanted to be successful she would have to wait until the opportune moment to strike. After their failed attack on Canterlot most of the changelings were scattered to the horizon and all hope seemed lost. But she refused to give up and she gathered as many of her subjects as she could. Many of them found their way back to their queen, but at least a third of her original army wasn't accounted for.

Unfortunately, her last attack was pretty desperate. She didn't have enough time to make it work perfectly because her subjects were pretty desperate for food. That might explain why she failed, but she also blamed that meddling purple pony. No matter, this time there would be no mercy, she wouldn't simply lock her enemies away in a cave system that they could escape from. She was thankful that the big love blast, or whatever they used to defeat her last time, at least sated their hunger for the time being. It was enough to get by, but eventually they would need more.

Once they regrouped, they made their base camp deep within the forests on the other side of the mountain that Canterlot is built on. They couldn't simply go back to their home land because that place was devoid of any food for them so they would surely starve. And here they were well hidden by the thick trees and there were no other towns or cities near the area. It was also close enough to Canterlot for her spies to keep a close eye on the ponies' affairs. Now it was just a matter of waiting for the right moment to strike.

Predictably, that moment was right now as a changeling flew into the cave that the queen currently resided in. He was quickly stopped by the guards before he could approach her. Seeing how bored she was, she gladly allowed her subject to tell her whatever it had found out so she motioned for the guards to let him past with one hoof. "My queen." he started before bowing. "I have great news. Canterlot is under attack!"

Her mouth fell open at the news. "What?! Who's attacking?"

"An army of gryphons is coming from the north and there's another army of strange creatures attacking at the gates."

Chrysalis took a moment to think about this. Certainly this was quite the opportunity. She could lead her army in and easily take over the city while the other groups fought. She didn't have to think about it for long as this was likely the only opportunity she was going to get. She turned to a large changeling to her right. "Scramble the army, we're attacking Canterlot!"

--

As Twilight walked over I could clearly see the angry scowl on her face. I don't know why she's so angry to see me, if anything I should be the angry one. Of course, years of trolling has robbed me of the ability to become mad so instead I simply smirked at her. She may already be mad, but that doesn't mean I can't troll her still. Admittedly, at this point a two year-old could probably successfully troll her as she already looked pretty angry, but I was going to do it anyways.

"Say, Twilight. You look upset. Perhaps a joke would make you feel better." She didn't answer and instead glared at me, so I continued. "What's the best part of dating twelve year-old girls?"

Once again, no answer.

"In the shower you can slick their hair back and pretend they're twelve year-old boys." I giggled a bit to myself. For some reason I find that joke really funny. She just ground her teeth at my distasteful joke before finally saying something.

"Buck you Paul!"

I wasn't expecting that from her. "Woah woah, calm down now, Purple guy. We're all friends here."

"We're not friends and I'm not PURPLE GUY!" She yelled at me.

"You're right, no friend of mine would try to murder me! You're a horrible friend!" I said and crossed my arms.

"WHAT!? Me?! I'm a great friend!"

"I'd have to disagree. You've been nothing but rude since I met you. I tried to be nice, but nooooo. You ponies just had to hate me because I'm different."

"WE WERE RUDE?! YOU'RE THE RUDEST CREATURE I'VE EVER MET IN MY LIFE!" She was screaming at me at this point. Clearly I win the argument because I aint even mad.

"Nope. You were a big ol' bitch the whole time. And think about it, if you hadn't reported me to the po-lice none of this would be happening right now!"

"Oh don't you try to blame this on me! This is all your fault!"

"Too late, I already blamed it all on you."

She just ground her teeth and gave me her most hateful glare, but it was way too adorable to be scary. I think she finally figured out that she can't argue with me. "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" She finally yelled out.

"Bring it on, bitch!" I said as I formed a glowing blue economy sword in my hand. She seemed to have the same idea as a glowing purple laser sword extended from her horn.

I looked over at Steve who was standing there awkwardly during the whole thing and cleared my throat.

"Oh, right." He said as he turned on some epic laser sword fighting music.

We faced each other for a few moments not moving before she finally ran at me. As she got closer she began swinging the sword around with her magic. Once she was within range she swung her magical sword low at my legs, but I easily moved my blade down and parried the attack. The two blades clashed sending sparks flying out and she pulled back slightly before swinging again, this time for my head. I easily ducked under the attack and kicked out at her.

Unfortunately, she was better at this than I expected and she easily dodged to the side while lunging her blade at me. I had to take a step back to avoid the tip before I slashed the side of her sword pushing it out of the way. Now that i had an opening I moved forward slicing down with my blade in a wide arc with the intention of hitting her in the face. Of course she had to cheat and use her unicorn mind powers. Before I was able to stab into her, her horn lit up and pushed me back across the room.

It wasn't enough to knock me off my feet, but it was still annoying. Next thing I knew she was running at me again. She redoubled her previous efforts and assaulted me with a flurry of jabs and slices. I was able to parry or dodge them all, but she wasn't giving me any room to hit her back.

Steve just sat across the room watching not sure if he should help or not. He had no idea who was winning the fight, or even if he would be able to do much to help. He was suddenly jarred from watching by a sharp hit to the head, causing him to lose his footing and slide across the smooth marble floor. At least he couldn't feel the pain, that would have probably hurt. He quickly looked up to see an angry teal pegasus with a rainbow mane.

"You want some more of this mother bucker?!" She said while rearing up and boxing at the air with her front hooves. Well now Steve was pretty pissed off. He was just minding his own business and this pony attacked him.

"Bitch please. That didn't even hurt." He said while standing up.

She looked pretty irritated at his insult. "First I'm going to beat you up for helping Paul, then I'm going to beat you up for trying to steal my mane style."

"It looks better on me. You just make it look tacky." Most people don't know this because she acts like she doesn't care about her mane, but she's quite proud of her rainbow hair.

"No one insults the mane. It. Is. ON!" She flew forward and quickly landed another blow on the side of Steve before he could react. He had to admit, she was pretty fast. Even then, the attack barely staggered him and he was quickly able to get his footing back. She continued to fly around the room as he followed her with his eyes. Eventually she came down and tried to hit him again, but he was ready and tried to kick back at her.

She dodged out of the way at the last moment so they both missed their attacks. She was soon back in the air looking for an opening to attack. Steve didn't feel like waiting for her to come down, though, so he primed his lightning gun with the intent of shooting her down. He tracked her around the room with it and finally fired a bolt of electricity out. Unfortunately for him, it missed pretty badly and simply smashed into a pillar.

She continued to dodge around as he fired several more bolts. Eventually, Steve decided that the weapon was too hard to aim at a flying target and stopped firing it. Thinking she had an opening, Rainbow Dash flew up and bucked Steve in the chest. At the same time he struck out with a front hoof and hit her in the back. The two of them flew in opposite directions, ending up a few feet back from where they were previously. The attack didn't really do much to Steve, but Rainbow would definitely have a bruise later from being hit by the metal limb. With the attack failed, she went back into the air again.

I watched them fight out of the corner of my eye as I continued my battle with Twilight. She was continually swinging at me, but I was able to block each of her attacks. It was getting easier and easier as it seemed that she was getting tired. She would no doubt ware out faster than me at this rate. After parrying another attack that was meant to hit me in the neck, I finally saw an opening. I moved slightly to the side and stabbed out, aiming for her chest.She quickly jumped back getting out of range of my sword. We stopped fighting for a brief moment.

"You know, you're not that bad at this." I said with a shrug.

"I trained with the princess! She is the best sword pony in all of Equestria!" Well that's an interesting fact.

"Well hopefully she'll be a bit better than you, otherwise she'll die too!" I said while moving forward and swinging at her side. She blocked it, but I didn't relent and delivered another blow as fast as I could. She continued to block, but I just kept lashing out with my sword. She was on the defensive now and I was causing her to take steps back each time I attacked. If I can get her pushed up against the wall than this fight will be much easier to win.

By this point she was sweating as she was barely managing to block my attacks. Finally her horn glowed again and she pushed at me with a wave of purple force. It launched me across the room and into the adjacent wall. I quickly stood back up and realized I was standing on a small staircase that led out of the room. It was only three stairs tall, but I smiled to myself anyways. Twilight trotted up closer before leveling her blade towards me again. She was clearly sweating now from exertion, but she looked determined.

"It's over Twilight! I have the high ground!"

She glared at me for a few second before answering. "You underestimate my power!"

"Don't try it!"

She didn't listen and instead jumped at me while swinging her sword downwards over her head. I just put my sword horizontally and blocked her attack while kicking out with one foot. My kick landing right on her face and pushed her through the air. Eventually gravity took over and she landed with a 'thud' in the middle of the room about thirty feet away.

The two rainbow maned ponies on the other side of the room seemed to take notice of this and they ended their fight. Rainbow Dash flew up and landed by Twilight looking like she was ready to attack me while Steve walked up to my side.

"Well that's cute. You think you can fight me?"

She was about to respond when Twilight let out a loud grunt and pushed herself off the floor. Rainbow turned and helped her up while I just watched. Then suddenly more ponies entered. From one of the doors on the side of the room came Applejack and the rest of the ponies that I recognized as the ones that I met in the forest after I crashed. They wheeled the white and purple one out in a wheel chair, she looked brain dead. The rest had angry glares on their faces.

Even The yellow one looked pissed off. In fact, her angry face was probably the most frightening of them all. Of course, even that was mildly frightening at best seeing as though it was coming from a small yellow and pink pony.

"Paul!" Said Applejack with a growl. "You'll pay for vandalizing mah property! And I suspect it was you who took one o' mah pigs!"

"I think that's the least of your problems. You'll find that I did far more than simply vandalize your property after you left Ponyville."

"YOU DID WHAT?! WHY I OUGHTA!" She yelled at me and looked about ready to charge. The glowing sword I held casually in one hand seemed to deter her though.

"How dare you?!" Started the yellow one.

"Shhhhhhut your mouth!" I shouted back at her.

She shrunk back as I raised my voice and hid behind her mane. "O-okay..."

"Gnnnnnnnnnnngh." Said the white one with purple hair as she drooled on herself.

"Yeah!" Agreed Pinkie.

"Stay out of this Pinkie, I don't even want to talk to you right now! You tried to kill me!" She tried to kill me!

"Enough!" Yelled Twilight. "Girls, are you ready to use the elements?"

"Sure am Twi!" Yelled Applejack. All the others gave similar responses except rarity who simply continued to drool on herself.

"The elements you say?" I asked. "You know, I still don't get exactly what that is."

Twilight smirked, seeming to think that my defeat was assured. "We represent the elements of harmony, the forces needed for friendship and peace to exist. Applejack is honesty, Rainbow is loyalty, Fluttershy is kindness, Pinkie is laughter, Rarity is generosity, and I represent the element of magic!" She finished by proudly placing a hoof on her chest.

I stared at her for a few seconds trying to figure out if she was trolling me or not. The look on her face suggested that she was serious. "That... Is the stupidest thing I've ever heard..." I said.

Twilight's smile disappeared for a second, only to be replaced by a smug one. "That's ok, we're still going to defeat you with them."

"Well I forgot to mention that my friends and I represent elements too. Steve represents the element of being a robot. Demonic conch-"

"Foolish mortals! Umm, sorry I wasn't paying attention, what are you saying about me?"

"Anyways, Demonic conch represents the element of lemon-aid. You don't know them, but Dance Blaster represents the element of necrophilia. Sprinkles represents the element of mauling. Stephen represents the element of not giving a shit, or the element of honey badgers. And I represent the element of being damn good looking. With our powers combines I am captain planet."

The ponies just stared at me blankly. Finally Twilight spoke up. "I highly doubt that..."

"Well i highly doubt that kindness and honesty can be used as a super weapon." I stated back.

"Well then, I'll just show you." Said Twilight, still wearing her smug smile.

"Do it!"

"I will!" She then closed her eyes and a strange wind started blowing from nowhere, which is strange because we're inside a building. Suddenly golden jeweled necklaces appeared on all the ponies, except Twilight. She got a tiara. "Ready girls?!"

"Ready!" They yelled back in unison. Their eyes all started glowing and they began raising off the ground from some unseen force.

This went on for a solid three second before there was a loud 'boom' to my right and Pinkie Pie's head suddenly exploded in a burst of sparks. All of the other ponies in the group abruptly dropped to the ground as one of the members was removed. They all turned and looked at Pinkie's prone body with shocked looks on their faces. Even I was pretty surprised by what happened.

"Well shit..." I said, pretty much summing up what everyone in the room was thinking.

"Hasta lavista, baby." Said someone to my right. I turned my head and was even more shocked than I was previously. Standing a few feet away on her back legs was a pony that looked exactly like Pinkie Pie, just her hair was straightened. She held a lever-action shotgun in her front hooves that was smoking from the end and looked like it had been modified for pony use.

I looked back to the Pinkie Pie who's head exploded and realized that there was no blood. Instead there were little chunks of metal and various gadgets strewn about the floor. But that means... Pinkie was a robot?

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Lol, I'll stop it there. I'm liking these chapters so far. Hopefully you are too (probably not). Oh well, I tried...