Super! Author! WORDS!: This chapter was brought to you by the letter 'S' and the color 'green'.
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"They're all dead!" I looked over to see an angry looking Dance Blaster walking into the main room of the castle where I was hanging out. I guess he must have finished looting Ponyville. I suppose this is the part where I come up with something intelligent and witty to say as a response.

"W-hat?" I asked while making a shape of a 'W' with my claws and putting it on my head. Close enough...

"I done says'd 'they're all dead'!" Stupid pony being all cryptic. I suppose for everyone else's sake I'll ask what he's whining about.

"Alright, that's cool I guess. But for the sake of any audience that might be concerned here, who is the dead and why should I, or anyone else, care?"

"I could answer that question easy!" I looked at him for a few seconds to see if he would go on. It didn't look like it, he was just staring at me. I suppose I'll have to humor him once again by responding.

"Then you should do just that."

"Let me just explain it all simple-like so your smaller-than-average brain capacitators can understand." Damn, Dance Blaster is going hard today. "Celestia killed the spy crabs!"

If I had a drink I probably would have spat it out at that moment. "Woah woah woah. How about you put down those horses and run that by me again."

"Celestia. Killed. The. Spy crabs! Is that clear enough for you?"

My eye twitched for a second as I thought about what he said. "What... Why? Why would she do that?"

"After the ponies from Ponyville got to Canterlot she murdered all of the spy crabs that were with them!" He said while flailing his fore legs around angrily.

"So she just decides to murder them? Oh well that's just fan-fucking-(raptor)tastic! Celestias being a bitch again, nothing new! But really, who does that?! Who just goes around killing spy crabs!?" I admit I was kinda' pissed about this.

"So what are we going to do?" He asked hopefully.

"Well it's clear that we can't live here in peace and harmony any longer because of the ponies' xenophobic and warlike nature, so we'll just have to play their game."

"What game are we talking about... Exactly? Because I want to make sure we're on the same page here."

"If Celestia is going to be a big ol' bitch tit then I'll just go destroy Canterlot." I thought it was a pretty cool idea.

"Ummm... How exactly are you planning to do that? It's kinda' the strongest defended position in the entire country."

"Yes, but you forget that it's a country full of ponies... My cat has taken poops in her litter box that are more threatening then them."

"Well alright, but you still didn't explain how you plan on taking out Canterlot."

"It's simple. They built their castle on a fucking cliff side... Do you know how stupid that is?! We can just set some explosive charges on the side of the mountain and GG. The whole cliff is gone along with the city." I emphasized my point by making a little 'poof' noise and waving my claws around.

"Seriously? That's your plan? That will never work!" What? Explosives not working? That's proposterone!

"Why not? It seems like it would work to me."

"Alright, sorry. For a second there I forgot that I'm dealing with a partially retarded mutant dragon thing. You don't think anyone else has tried to destroy the city that way? The city and cliffside are both kept up by powerful magic that has been there for hundreds of years. Explosives won't do anything." First he's being a dick, then he starts talking about 'magic' again? Is he trying to invalidate his own argument by bringing up magic?

"I don't believe in magic." Checkmate atheists!

Dance Blaster sighed and struck himself repeatedly in the face with his hoof, clearly trying to comprehend my magnificent mind. "Alright, how about this? They have very powerful technology that keeps the cliff and the city from collapsing."

"You see, that makes much more sense. You should have just said that to start with instead of making up lies." I could practically taste the rage in the glare he gave me for that one. "Well I guess if we can't just blow the city up we'll just have to go for a direct assault."

"And how the hell are we supposed to do that?"

I raised an eyebrow and gave my best, 'really?' look. "I find your lack of faith disturbing. We have a big enough army, we can just march up, break the gate down, and overwhelm them."

"There are a lot of problems with your plan, so allow me to point some of them out. First off, there's only one way up to the gates from the ground and that's through a long path up the mountain. It levels out into a large open area close to the gate but until then our troops will be bottled up making them extremely susceptible to attacks from the air. In case you haven't noticed, about a third of the population here has wings, meaning we'll be dead long before we reach the gates."

"So we use the Apache Helicopters as air support. No big deal."

"I suppose that could potentially work, assuming that the helicopters don't get completely swarmed. But even then, how are we supposed to get through the gate? No doubt they'll put unicorn force fields on it so it'll take a lot more than a few missiles to break it down. And there's no way we can push a huge siege wagon all the way up the mountain."

I pondered this for a few moments before coming up with an idea. "Say, didn't we kill a huge dragon a few days ago?"

"Well yeah, but I don't see wha-" He stopped talking as recognition hit him.

"And you just happen to be a necrophiliac." I continued.

"Necromancer*" He corrected. "But perhaps that could work. Alright, even if we get into the city, what's to say that we can defeat the defense there? We have no idea how many there could be. Besides, I heard that Celestia and Luna are pretty powerful. Not to mention they have the elements of harmony."

"Woah woah, back up there a little bit. What the hell are the elements of harmony?"

"What do you mean 'what are the elements of harmony'? Everybody knows what those are!" My blank expression encouraged him to go on. "Oh right, I forgot you lack knowledge that even foals know. There are six elements of friendship or something that are wielded by six ponies. I believe at the moment some pony named Twilight Sparkle and her friends wield them, they lived in Ponyville last time I checked, though they probably evacuated to Canterlot with all the other ponies. Anyways when they are all together they can use them as a super weapon or something."

I just stared at him for a few seconds as I tried to register what he was saying. "Ok, so let me get this straight. Twilight, the pony who not only murdered me, but also betrayed and called the cops on me has some kind of super weapon?"

"She's the one who did that? Lol that sucks."

"This just got personal... Well... It was personal before... But now it's even more so."

"Alright, so what do you plan on doing about that?"

"Hmmm... I'll just have to go in and pick them off before they can threaten our army. Yes, that will work perfectly. I'll sneak into the city on Steve's back with the demonic conch while the ponies are distracted by the oncoming army. Then I'll breech the castle and assassinate the shit out of them."

"But if you're doing that, who will be commanding the army?"

"Well duh. You and Stephen can do that. I mean, you control the spy crabs anyways."

"Fine, I guess I can do that. But what makes you so confident you can beat Celestia and the elements of harmony?"

I just gave him a smug grin. "Brooooo I'm the mother fuckin' sex raptor!"

"Well alright... If you're sure about that. So... When do we attack?"

I walked over to a nearby wall and started flipping through my calender. Needless to say I had nothing scheduled. "You have any plans for tomorrow?" I asked nonchalantly.

"No... I guess I can go revive that dragon tonight, aside from that I have no plans."

"C-c-cool beans. Then let's go tomorrow. You get the spy crabs ready and your... Army of undead critters... And I'll go tell Steve about it."

"Sounds good!" He said while putting his hoof in. I put my claw on top and we both shouted "Go team baby rape train!" Before we headed off to do our tasks. While walking through the castle halls in search of Steve I couldn't help but feel a bit excited about tomorrow. Yep, it's gonna be a good day!

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Took a while but I finally typed a chapter! I know, I spoil you. Next chapter is the attack on Canterlot. I have this somewhat planned out so hopefully it'll be interesting... Whenever I get around to typing again....