Author writing stuff's: So I typed most of this chapter like a week ago... Idk why I didn't publish it then...
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"Steeeeeve!" I pushed the door open and ran into the castle. "STEEEEEVE!" I yelled again. I was about to call for a third time when I saw the unicorn robot coming down the stairs.

"You better have a good reason for being so annoying you son of a dick." He said, clearly not pleased by my yelling. I wasn't phased by his rude behavior though.

"There you are, I thought I was gonna have to sit here yelling for you all day."

"Go ahead and do that, I'll just turn off my ears, fuck face!" I forgot I built him so he was able to do that...

"Well, now that you're here I don't need to. Anyways, come with me. We're goin' to Ponyville!"

"Why would I want to go there? That town looks like it sucks. Besides, all the ponies around here are jerks." I wonder if he realized that he's a huge jerk too.

"That's true. Some of them even tried to murder me. Well... One of them did murder me..."

"Then why do you want to go back there?"

I smiled as wide as I could when he asked that. "They evacuated the town."

His robot eyes grew wide when I said that. "You mean... The town is empty?"

If it was possible, my smile got even wider. "Yep."

"Then what are we waiting for? Hop on!" I didn't need to be told twice. I jumped on his back and we rocketed through the wall of the castle. It took me a few seconds to come to my senses after busting through a brick wall. I'm pretty surprised that I even managed to hold on.

"Ouch... You could have waited 'til we were outside..." I said as I spat a few chunks of bricks out of my mouth.

He looked back at my slightly bruised face and laughed. "Nope, that's stupid." Oh well, we can just fix that hole later.

It didn't take long to get there with Steve flying me and soon enough we were circling over Ponyville. After seeing that there was in fact no pony in town, we landed in the square next to a statue of Celestia.

"All right, we have all of Ponyville to ourselves. What should we do first?" Asked Steve.

I looked around briefly before I got a good idea. Pulling a flat piece of stone off of the road I tossed it up at the statue, managing to break off one of the wings. "Whatever we want."

Steve seemed to like the idea as he jumped up and punched the statue in half. "Fuck you Celestia!"

"I never knew you hated her so much."

He looked at me for a few seconds in confusion. "Are you kidding me? She acts like she's all special and stuff waving the sun around in the sky like she owns the place. She never even cared what us fish thought."

"You know, this planet orbits around the sun. I've been to space. She's a big fat liar!"

"See. All the more reason to dislike her. Now where to next?"

I looked around until I spotted the library tree a few blocks away. "Hehe, I know exactly where to go." I ran down the street and kicked the library's door in. "Heeeeeres Jacky!" Unfortunately, Steve was the only one around to get my reference.

"What is this? Some kind of dumb tree home?" Tarzan certainly wouldn't appreciate those words.

"This is Twilight's house." He didn't look like he recognized the name so I decided to clarify. "The unicorn who murdered me, then told the police on me. Anyways she had a hard on for books or something."

Steve looked around at the many bookshelves that lined the walls. "You don't say."

"Anyways, let's steal any books that we might need."

He looked disappointed. "Awww, we're just gonna steal them?"

"Only some of them. Then afterwards we're burning this place to the ground."

"Down the ground?"

"Down to the ground." I confirmed while nodding my head. Although it's hard to read his robot face, which is more expressionless then a normal face, it wasn't hard to tell that he was excited. "Alright, go through and get any books on history and geography and pile them up outside along with anything that looks valuable. I don't think we really need anything else."

We quickly went through the house and found a few dozen books that might be useful and put them in a little stack in the middle of the street. I even found a book labelled 'Twilight's Diary' that was hidden under her bed. Needless to say, I stole that. Once that was done we pulled a bunch of books off the shelves and ripped their pages off, covering the floor in flammable paper.

"Any clever comments before we burn the shit out of this place?" I asked Steve.

"This fire will go down in the history books!"

That was really lame... "That was so bad they're probably going to put a picture of you next to the word 'bad' in any future dictionaries."

"Hey pal, you're barkin' up the wrong tree if you think you can insult me."

"WOOD you stop making such bad jokes?!"

"LEAF me alone. My jokes are PINE!" Oh god... Tree puns!

"Pine cone, maybe."

"Ok yeah, That whole conversation was just awful. Thank the nonexistant fish gods that no one was around to hear that."

"Agreement achieved." I said while looking around to make sure that no one heard that embarrassing display of jokes. "Would you like to do the honors?" I asked as I handed him a lit match.

He just slapped it out of my hand. "Fuck that noob shit. Step aside!" Without waiting for me to actually move, he turned and fired a bolt of electricity into the piles of paper using his weapon. That was more than enough to set the paper alight and the fire quickly filled up the entire room. We ran out the front door as the shelves and everything caught on fire.

Turning around to gaze at the quickly growing inferno that we started, I couldn't help but shed a single tear. "It's beautiful man."

"My beauty sensors indicate that you are correct." Yeah, I gave him beauty sensors...

We just stood there for about half an hour and watched the building burn until it was nothing but a pile of charred wood and various pieces of metal. Thankfully, the tree was far enough away from the other buildings to where they didn't burst into flames too. We didn't really think about how flammable the whole town is until after we started the fire. I mean, who builds houses out of wood with thatch roofs? That's just a fire waiting to happen!

Either way, the rest of the town was conveniently unburnt. I wouldn't have cared that much if the other houses did burn, I just want to loot them still. Who knows, maybe we'll find money and shit. But I'll let the spy crabs waste their time with that. Steve and I are here to have some fun.

"Where to next?" Asked Steve.

I thought about it for a moment before thinking about bacon. I think about bacon at least once every twenty seconds. "To the farm!" I shouted as I jumped onto his back. It would normally be a several minute walk, but flying we were there in no time. We landed in front of the barn and I couldn't help but remember all the cows that had sexually harassed me in my short time working here.

It didn't take long for me to see that all of the farm animals were still here. I guess they do seem smart enough to take care of themselves. The cows can even talk! That just brings up more questions about why the ponies keep them here. They treat the cows like slaves! Oh well, I'm here to liberate them. Liberate them into steak!

I got off Steve and kicked the barn door open, surprising the dozens of cows inside. They looked at me for a few seconds, clearly confused before they started to smile. "Hey handsome!" One said.

"You come back to give momma some sugar?" Asked another while making a kissy face.

I just smirked at them. "Nope. IT'S RAPING TIME!!!" I yelled as I pulled the sword off my back. Their smiles instantly disappeared as I moved over and stabbed the closest cow in the face.

Then came the screaming. "NO!" "GET AWAY FROM US!" "STOP!"

"Stop?!" I asked almost innocently. "There are no breaks on the rape train!"

What happened next could only be described as a massacre and it will not be featured in this story. Needless to say, Steve was surprised when I exited the barn carrying an arm full of perfectly cut steaks.

"What are you going to do with those?" He asked gesturing at my payload of steaks.

"Eat them probably." I said nonchalantly.

"So you're going to carry them around all day?" Oh yeah, I hadn't though about that. I promptly dropped my food into the dirt.

"I'll just tell the spy crabs to pick it up for me. Same with the pigs."

"K." He said. "Anything else?"

"Well we need to loot everything important from the town, then we should destroy it imo. Of course, we can let the spy crabs go door to door and do that. Let's just go wreck some shit."

"You know. That's probably the best idea you've ever had."

I smiled at the compliment. All the male bonding. It was looking like a proper bromantic comedy all up in here. "Well then, let's go!"

If there was a montage sequence anywhere in this chapter, it would be right here. We started out by 'accidently' knocking over the windmill next to the old barn before we went back to town. The first place we stopped at was Pinkie Pie's old house where we gorged ourselves on various pastries. Steve ate them somehow even though he's a robot. Don't ask me how things work, I really don't know. While there I couldn't help but remember all the fond memories we shared, such as having a party and making cupcakes together. I'd probably feel bad about messing around in her house if she hadn't betrayed me and tried to stab me.

We left the building in pretty good condition, aside from some pastries smashed against the walls. Next we went to Lyra's house. That is one of the few buildings I ever went in, so it felt right. Of course we stopped when we saw a dead pony body by the doorway. It was the one that was there when I went to dinner with Lyra that one time, the tan one with purple and blue hair. It was weird seeing it there. In their panic the ponies just left a dead body here... I think her name was Bonny or something.

Steve walked up and poked her a few times with his hoof. "Yep. She's dead alright."

"Huh... Should we burry her or something?"

Steve just looked at the body for a few moments before shrugging. "I guess so."

Steve dragged the body over to the park while I found a large flat stone and carried it over. After putting her under a few feet of dirt I placed the stone where her head would be and carved some stuff into it.

Here lies Bonny (or something)

"I didn't put those in my bag"

???-???

Yeah, that's the best we were able to do. Steve nudged me with an elbow and cleared his throat. Oh right, maybe I should say something. "I didn't know Bonny very well. But what I do know is that she was an earth pony. She was a tannish color with blue and purple hair. One time she cooked vegetable soup for me. I don't much like vegetables, but I ate it to be polite." I'm not a very good eulogizer (or eugoogalizer as Zoolander would say).

"That was beautiful man." Said Steve as he wiped a robot tear from his eye. "I want you to speak at my funeral."

"Will do captain." I said as I turned away from the grave. "Now lets go rob her house!"

"Sounds like a plan!" He said as we ran back towards town to continue our destruction.

So we did. Most of the house was filled with worthless furniture and shit, but we found bags of money hidden underneath their beds. I don't know why these ponies think putting stuff under their beds is a good hiding place, that's like the first place I check for valuables. Either way I got to thinking that maybe the rest of the ponies didn't take all of their life savings with them on the trip so their money was up for grabs.

"Do they have a bank here?" Asked Steve.

I turned and looked at him about to answer when I realized that I had no idea. If they had a bank that would make finding all the money much easier. "I don't know."

"Well let's go find out."

"K, how we gone' do that?"

"They probably have a map somewhere or something... A bank would be on a map." He said. His logic was outstanding, I had to give him that.

"You know, you're right." I pointed out before walking out of the building. "Let's go to the town hall and get a mibbity-map!"

The 'town hall' was a rather large wooden building that towered above every other building in Ponyville. Mainly because it was the only building that was five stories tall. Of course, it didn't look very well-maintained. The wood looked old and likely needed to be replaced very soon if the building was going to remain structurally sound. The idea of the building collapsing didn't stop me from kicking the door in, however. What's the point in even robbing a building if you aren't going to kick the door in like a badass?

"So how do we find it?" Asked Steve as he came up behind me. The main floor of the building was a large reception area that they probably used for important parties and stuff. Aside from a few desks against one wall where secretaries sit it was more or less empty. I looked around a bit and saw a door on the adjacent wall.

"Simple, we go through that door!" I said while walking over and kicking it open. Thankfully, it led to the stairs. According to the sign next to the stairwell, the third and fourth floor are where they keep all the legal documents while the top floor is the mayor's office.

Deciding that the office was probably a stupid place to go we instead went into the third floor. Unfortunately, the whole room was just filled with cabinets stuffed with legal documents. All of that was pretty worthless to us, though I did smile at how mad the ponies would be when they find all of their important documents destroyed. We then went up to the fourth floor and were pleased to find that about half of it was some kind of library with all kinds of information on the town.

We only had to rummage through everything for about a minute before Steve found a relatively new map. It had all of the landmarks of the town clearly marked, unfortunately there was no bank.

"What the hell, this town sucks!" I yelled in outrage. "They don't even have a jail! No wonder they took me to Canterlot when I got arrested. But really, what kind of shitty town doesn't have a bank?" I was really just disappointed that I wouldn't be able to rob a bank. That sounded like a lot of fun, even if there were no guards.

Steve just came up and patted my shoulder. "I know that feel bro. I've always wanted to rob a bank."

We both sighed in defeat as we walked out of the building. "Oh well, maybe they have a bank in Canterlot we can rob or something..." Once we got out into the street we saw Dance Blaster walking towards us followed by a bunch of spy crabs.

"Heya Paul. What have you been up to?" He asked once he got close.

"Just lootin' and pollutin'." I said with a shrug. I'm sure captain planet would be pretty pissed if he saw me doing this. Thankfully, he died in a car accident so I don't have to worry about that. "Anyways, now that you're here, we need to loot all these buildings."

"Ummm ok. Anything specific we should take?"

"Just anything that looks valuable. From the looks of it the ponies keep their money hidden around their houses since there is no bank in town and I doubt they all carried their life saving with them when they evacuated. That's the problem with using gold coins as currency, gold is fucking heavy. So yeah, make sure to check under the beds and stuff."

"Well alright. I can do that." He turned around and started to walk back to the assembled spy crabs.

"Oh and Dance Blaster." He looked back at me. "Make sure to destroy everything when you're done."

He returned the smile that was plastered on my face before walking off. With that said I turned and faced Steve once again. "Alright, let's go fuck up some more buildings!"

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Yep, Ponyville gets destroyed. How often does that happen?

So I haven't felt much like typing recently. Sorry no updates and all that stuff... Oh well, I have the next few chapters somewhat planned out and I think they'll be good. When I say 'planned out' I mean I have an idea what I want them to be about and what happens in general. I can never actually plan anything out because I come up with most of it while typing, that's just how I do things.

I really want Halo 4 to come out so I can type the sequel to Halo man in Equestria... :[