Author's note: So I wrote the first thousand or so words to this and then I thought to myself. 'Hey Ethesto, (I often refer to myself by my online alias in my head) why write that when you can instead write something cool and interesting. Unfortunately this chapter didn't end up being all that funny. I typed most of it at like six in the morning after not being able to fall asleep multiple times so there's my excuse. Anyways, I went back over it and hopefully made it a bit better.
-------------

I finished polishing my syringe rifle for the third time today. I just can't help it, I love this thing. Perhaps I should shed some light on where it came from. Well, I raided the weapon storage area after we were done messing around with the helicopters and found some cool stuff. It was nothing all that amazing, just some random weapons, and they certainly weren't there in a large supply. It was pretty much just a couple dozen gun type things of varying usefulness. I'm so happy this planet has guns.

Unfortunately there were some problems. First off, the weapons weren't made with hands in mind. Whoever made them, and I can only assume it was more giant spiders since further inspection revealed that this place undoubtably belonged to spiders at some point, clearly didn't have fingers. With that said the weapons weren't designed to be held but instead were hooked up to harnesses which I assume would go on your back. They were pretty advanced and from the looks of it they connected straight into your nervous system but there was no way I would be able to use them in their current state since I neither am nor ever will be a giant spider.

With that said I had to modify them significantly much to my displeasure. Sure I enjoy building weapons on occasion, but I'm also pretty lazy. I'd much rather be walking in circles or something more entertaining than creating gun parts from scratch. Yeah, I had to forge the triggers and handles myself and it was talking forever. Thankfully, one of the first things that was put into the still uncompleted castle was a forge. It was pretty much just a big coal furnace in the basement, nothing special, but it's good enough. I've been here working for hours though and I've only managed to make a few of the guns usable. Three to be exact.

Well technically only two guns. The first one is a syringe pistol. I should probably explain that almost every weapon we found in there fired small syringes instead of bullets. It seems stupid to me, but whatever floats dem spider's boats. The syringes are filled with some neural toxin that is pretty affective if the spy crabs I tested it on are any indication. From the autopsy I performed it seems that it destroys nerve endings and within a matter of seconds completely paralyses the target before it incapacitates the brain. At that point they pretty much just die. I'm pretty sure bullets would be more affective, but at least the syringes are small. Each pistol clip can hold thirty of them. Now, I imagine the syringes are gonna be pretty useless against anything with armor, but we'll see as I've yet to test that out.

Anyways, back on topic. The first thing I modified was the equivalent of a pistol. It was, at one point, just a smaller gun attached to a harness. I pretty much had to take the back part of the gun apart and make all new parts for it, which was pretty hard. It took me a few tries to get it all right and that took at least four hours. It probably would have taken more time if I wasn't tripped out on caffein at the time.

We raided the entire lab and found a lot of cool stuff in the various storage areas. One thing was caffein injections which I may or may not have taken multiple doses of. I do what I want.

Anyways, once I got the pistol to work it was pretty nice. Of course I wasn't going to be satisfied with a simple pistol. Who do you think I am? The next thing I went with was a slightly larger version of the same gun. It had a longer barrel and the base was an oval type thing. It took less time to build the parts for it at least as I had some experience.

In the end it was your standard rifle except you inserted a circular clip full of syringes into the bottom as oppose to bullets. Like I said before, I'd prefer bullets, but at least the clip holds about seventy syringes. The next thing I did was paint the whole thing black because black is a cool color. Oh yeah, we found a bunch of paint in one of the storage spaces. It's surprising how much of that stuff lasted even after how long its been sitting down there. It may not be much, but it's beautiful to me.

Next maybe I should add a scope... That can wait for later though. The last weapon I built is slightly different and I wouldn't really consider it to be a gun, mainly because it discharges electricity instead of firing bullets or syringes. Anyways, I noticed that Steve was pretty useless so far at fighting things so I thought I'd give him something. I got the idea after taking apart some of the spider harnesses and I found that they used batteries to power the firing mechanism. After examining the batteries a bit I found that they recharged themselves over time by absorbing the energy in the air. Yes, the air here is pretty full of energy, which is probably why the ponies are able to perform what they would consider 'magic'.

I've built things like that before so it wasn't too difficult. I pretty much just took one of the syringe guns apart and replaced a few key things. It ended up looking like a cylinder thing with a few shapes jutting off that was about a foot long. Instead of a barrel there's a spike that extends out the front that's about eight inches long. The thing is powered by twenty-two batteries arranged in two circles on the inside. The only problem now is that I have to attach it to Steve somehow.

Now I haven't just been dilly dallying with guns all day, I also had a nice long chat with Dance Blaster. Him and I both agreed that we need to switch up the tactics of the spy crabs if we're going to do anything. For whatever reason the spy crabs seems to have lost nearly all semblance of intelligence and they're only really capable of following orders and being really annoying at this point. They clearly aren't known for their combat prowess seeing as though they were beaten up by a bunch of ponies.

That's why we agreed that they needed weapons. Nothing fancy, we just planned on making them knifes since that seems to be what they're used to. Not like it's a big deal, we got plenty of metal from the lab and we can just teach some of the spy crabs how to use the forge.

We also talked about how to make them not suck just a little bit more. We decided that since we have an army of assassins we should probably not just engage the enemy head on, at least not all the time. But we could deal with being sneaky at a later date.

After talking about that for a while Dance Blaster mentioned something about a dragon living nearby that the spy crabs had found. I didn't care much about it until he mentioned that it was guarding mounds of gems and gold.

By then I already did what any sane person would do in my place, I decided that I was going to kill the dragon. I'll admit it, I'm a loot whore. Sadly, not a single thing I've killed since I got here has dropped anything cool. Perhaps killing a dragon and taking its mounds of treasure would be a good change of pace.

Once I decided that I wanted the dragon dead I went back to the basement and started working on weapons again. No, not more guns this time, I decided to go for more simple weapons that wouldn't take all day to make. There was a mini gun that we found that fired real bullets, but god knows it would take me ages to make that usable. Besides, it was pretty big so Stephen was probably the only one who could even hold it right. Instead I made some swords. Two to be exact, since only me and Stephen could even use them. Dance Blaster probably could too, but I'm not entirely sure.

It took a little bit extra to melt down some of the silver metal that made up the doors to the lab, but I thought it would be worth it. I ended up just making myself a short sword that curved slightly and somewhat resembled a scimitar. Stephen's sword, however, was huge. Seeing as though he's like twelve feet tall I decided that he could use something a bit bigger. The blade ended up being about eight feet long and fairly thick. It was sharp on both sides and extended into a spike on each side at the tip. The end was a slightly thicker crescent that extended between the two spikes. I figured he would be swinging it more than using it to stab anyways.

Once that was done I dragged all my new weapons up stairs. They weren't that heavy except for Stephen's sword which weighed a butt load. Once I got up I noticed that it was already night time, I must have been down there for longer than I thought. I guess I got a little carried away in making weapons. As soon as I saw Stephen I dragged the sword over and gave him the handle which was about two feet long by itself. He just grabbed it in his gorilla-like grip and slung it up on his shoulder and grunted at me.

I'm still not sure how Dance Blaster can understand Stephen because I have no idea how to tell what he's thinking. Is a grunt good or bad? Oh well, I'll just assume he said something along the lines of 'Thanks Paul, you're the best looking sex raptor I've ever seen. You're also smart and talented. I'm glad we're friends!'.

I then gathered up all my friends and told them of my plan to slay the dragon. They thought it was a dumb idea but I assured them that we have a good enough party to succeed. You see we have Stephen who can tank, then ugh.... Who the hell heals? Oh well, the rest of us DPS, we don't need heals. I silently hoped to whatever supreme deity was listening that the next friend I meet is a holy pally or something.

We also didn't have any armor, but I just spent all day in that black smith and the last thing I wanted to do right now was make armor. We'll just free ball it for now. I'll make armor later...

So we set off, and I polished my rifle as we walked. I had my sword slung onto my back and my pistol strapped to my thigh. I had a strap for my rifle on my back as well, but I liked holding it, it felt good in my claws.

"Are we almost there? My hoofs hurt!" Complained Dance Blaster,

"Come on, we've only been walking for like six miles!"

"That's a lot. I'm a pony not a sex raptor!"

I looked him up and down before nodding my head in confirmation. "Yep, if you were a sex raptor you'd be much better looking."

"Giiiiirl please! Everybody knows I'm the looks of this group. You're like my uglier friend who I keep around to make me look better." Stupid Steve... I managed to attach the electricity weapon onto his right side so it extended slightly past his head. I didn't want it to shoot him on accident, and I also didn't want it to interfere with me using him as a mount.

"Blasphemy! I am the sexiest thing alive!"

"Technically you died." Explained Dance Blaster.

"Yeah, but I'm alive now. I still breathe and stuff, so I'm pretty sure I'm not dead."

"Dead... Alive... Same thing." He countered.

"No, they're different words." Came Steve's super intelligent response.

"Only mortals worry about petty things like being dead!"

"I don't even know how to respond to that." Said Dance Blaster. Steve looked somewhat confused which was the case almost every time we talked to the demon conch. It gets kinda' awkward some times.

"Ok, ok. Serious question time. Are you guys pro choice or pro abortion?"

"I'm pro abortion!"

"Those are both pretty much the same thing... Also people might get mad if you start making jokes about abortion."

"I suppose you're right, let's change the topic then." I replied.

"I think it's a perfectly good topic!"

"No one cares what you think! Anyways, how far away was this place again?" I wasn't really annoyed by all the walking, I just wanted the conversation to keep going to I didn't fall into a boredom induced coma.

Dance Blaster looked around a bit before answering. "I don't know, it was supposed to be like seven and a half miles. Anyways I don't think I can walk anymore. Can we rest here?"

"NOOOOOPE!" I simply picked him up and slung him over my shoulder. He was surprisingly light. "I'll just carry you like I always carry the group." I'm such a good friend!

"Hey! I'm a lover, not a fighter!" Yelled Steve.

"Yeah, you love boys!"

"OOOOOOOOOH!" Came Dance Blaster's mature response.

Steve glared at me before replying. "Here's a touching story, it's about this one time a sex raptor had to eventually sleep while his robot friend didn't. Then the robot stepped on his neck on 'accident'."

"Jokes on you, I never sleep."

"Bull shit!" Steve clearly wasn't buying that.

"I would never lie to you about something as serious as sleep." I think he could tell by the sincerity in my voice that I was telling the truth.

"Well umm... K." It seems he didn't know what to say now.

After a short silence Dance Blaster finally said something. "So how are we supposed to kill the dragon when we get there?"

I just shrugged which nearly caused me to drop him from his perch over my shoulder. "Very carefully. I don't know. It's a dragon, how hard could it be?" Famous last words.

"Well, this is much harder than I thought it'd be." I said nonchalantly as I jumped out of the way of an incoming claw. The others were less calm about the whole situation however.

"You think!?" Yelled Steve.

I wasn't about to rage yet though, it wasn't a wipe. We just underestimated the huge orange dragon. First off, the syringe guns did hardly anything. Its scales were extremely durable. I also tried using some shouts on it but it turns out I'm not dovahkiin so that didn't work too well. We jumped behind a boulder as another fist came down. While it was distracted with us Stephen ran up and sliced it right in the belly with his huge sword.

The attack managed to dislodge a few scales, but that was about it. This thing was like a big tank. Of course, I had a plan to kill the beast. I fought a freakin' giant spider, this dragons got nuthin on me! "Hey demonic conch, you think you can use your crazy lemon-aid powers on it?"

"I'd have to be closer, but yes."

Perhaps the conch would be useful for once. I grabbed him in one claw and held my rifle in the other while I clambered out from behind the rock. The dragon's attention was all on Stephen now who was getting pretty sliced up on his own, not that he cares about pain anyways. While it was distracted I jumped up onto its back and ran up towards the base of its neck. It almost instantly noticed me there and shook slightly to try and knock me off. I didn't lose my footing though as my talons were able to grip onto the rough scales pretty well.

It quickly lost interest in Stephen as it turned its head to face me on its back and opened its mouth wide to spit a gout of flames. Big mistake, I was like ten feet away, I couldn't miss! I simply shot a few syringes into its throat. I was pretty excited about getting the money shots off so I forgot entirely about the flames that soon erupted towards me. The fire washed over me for several seconds before the dragon seemed convinced that I was dead. Once it stopped it looked pretty disappointed that the fire had little affect on me, though demonic conch was slightly charred.

"Taste lemon-aid you son of a church!" I yelled as I threw the conch right in between its eyes. It hit and bounced off before landing on the stone floor of the cave far below. "Ok, maybe that wasn't a good idea."

"Foolish raptor! I will slaughter you and all your kind for that some day!"

"Sorry!" I called down to him before returning my attention to the no doubt angry dragon in front of me. Unfortunately the syringes weren't having the desired affect as the dragon was still alive. No doubt the small dose wasn't enough to kill a creature easily a hundred times bigger than me. I could tell it was about to lunge its head forward and bite at me so I got ready to jump away but instead a bolt of lightning hit it in the side of the head.

It hissed in pain for a second before looking back down at Steve below. This was my chance with it momentarily distracted. I crouched down, leveled my syringe rifle and shot a few rounds into its exposed eye. The dragon rawred again and flailed around. This was enough to knock me off of its back and I landed on the cold cave floor.

With its eye wounded it spread its wings and started swinging its tail wildly in an attempt to hit us. It wasn't hard to simply back up a little ways to avoid this as the cavern we were in was giant.

Once we were a safe distance away we regrouped. Dance Blaster had managed to grab the conch with his unicorn energy thing. I refuse to call it magic. Stephen had his chest and arms pretty torn up from the dragon's claws but he didn't seem to even notice. "So what now?" Asked Steve as we all huddled together. Dance Blaster began using his 'magic' on Stephen which caused his torn skin to re assemble itself.

Just then I hatched an amazing plan. If its eyes were the most vulnerable part, then I'd just go for those. "Hey Steve, I need a lift onto its head."

"Well alright. Enjoy dying." Pshh he underestimates my power. I quickly jumped up onto his back and kicked him in the flank.

"Fly my pretties fly!"

"Fuck you!" Responded Steve as he took off in a stream of rainbows. We quickly reached the top of the chamber above the dragons head. At this point it had calmed down a bit and was clutching its eye in an attempt to remove the needles. This was my chance. I slung the rifle onto my back and instead pulled out my sword before jumping off of Steve. I only had to fall a short distance before I landed on the dragon's head and I quickly took hold of one of the spikes of its chest to avoid falling off.

Ok, everything is going good so far. Now I just need to stab it in the eye. I had to duck down quickly to avoid a claw that sailed right over my head and collided with the spike I was holding on to. Well, can't just sit here all day. With that thought I let go of the spike and ran onto the creature's snout. It hardly had time to react before I plunged my sword as hard as I could into its eye.

It instantly started flailing while rawring in a mix of rage and pain and I was easily flung away with my sword still firmly grasped in my claws. I landed on the cave floor and rolled away like the cool guy that I am before running back to my group.

"See, my plan worked."

"I was secretly hoping that it would tear your arm off or something." Said Steve.

"Pshh you can't fool me. I know you're relieved and that's just your way of saying that you love me. I understand." Instead of answering Steve just grumbled to himself.

"Hate to interrupt you two love birds, but we still have to kill that thing." We all turned back and looked at the dragon as it flailed around. With both of its eyes wounded it wasn't really much of a threat any more so we decided to just wait till it tired itself out before we tried anything to finish it off. We didn't have to wait long, however, because it smacked its head pretty hard into a stone wall as it was moving around. The 'thunk' of its head smacking against the rocks was clearly audible from where we were and we could even feel the vibrations. After the hit it almost instantly slumped to the ground and we couldn't tell if it was dead or not.

"Well, that looked painful. I would probably feel bad for it if my sympathy gland hadn't been torn out years ago. Anyways, let's go finish the job..." A quick slice across the neck from Stephen and we were satisfied that the thing was dead as the cave slowly filled with blood. "Good job guys. Now let's loot the hell out of this place!"

We walked into the next chamber of the cave and all gaped at what we saw. Mounds and mounds of gems and gold were just lying there. "A-t-t-t-t-t. A-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t! ATTTTTTREASURE!" I said in a ridiculous voice. "Mother of ducks that's a lot of gems."

"Alright, since I'm captain of this here group I get the largest share." Said Steve.

"Lawl no! I'm pretty much the captain, but that doesn't matter because we're taking all the treasure back to the castle anyways."

"But I want MY treasure." Said Steve very disappointedly.

"You'll get the most valuable treasure of all. The treasure of sharing."

"That treasure sucks..."

"Fine... We can split it up once we get back to the castle. In the mean time, Dance Blaster, could you get your spy crabs to come pick this all up?"

"Yeah, sure, whatever." Said Dance Blaster as though he wasn't excited by the huge amount of treasure in front of us. Then he had to be a big boner kill. "You know gems and gold aren't worth all that much, and there's probably only like fifty to a seventy thousands bits here at most."

I looked at all the cool golden objects that were sitting around and shrugged. "It's still treasure and that's still a lot." If nothing else at least it's all shiny. "Now let's get going. We need to have a victory party to celebrate!"

--------------
Next time on The Life and Times of Paul The Sex Raptor:
Steve: "Paul, I'm pregnant... AND YOU'RE THE FATHER!"
Paul: "I just finished crunching the numbers, Dance Blaster. You're the male version of Celestia from a different dimension!"
Celestia: "I've schemed too long to be supplanted by a raptor. If I can't have this world no one can!!!"

Oh yeah... And they're gonna' have a party...