Author's note: So I got this idea for a new story while sitting in a hotel at 2am the other night. I literally sat there giggling to myself for like 10 minutes when I thought of it, mainly because it would get disliked into the ground. So there's all those dumb stories where humans go to Equestria and turn into different stuff (I've seen like 30 different ones that are basically the same thing), so I wanted to write one about someone who turns into a big piece of shit. It would be deliciously ironic because most of those stories are shit to start with. Not that I'm really one to talk. Anyways I think it would be really funny, but I'm sure no one else would feel the same way so I'll probably never write it. If I did it would just be for the awesome trolling. Tell me your opinions on that, because I DO care!
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So where were we? Oh right, in the arena with air raid sirens and everyone freaking out. Well, this is a weird situation to be in. So am I supposed to just sit here or something? I guess I could do that. Perhaps I could enjoy a cup of tea and some crumpets while I wait for something to happen. That would be an excellent idea if I had those things. It's a sad day when you realize the only possessions you have are what you're carrying inside your chest.

"Hey Paul! Stop being stupid and come here."

I looked over to see Steve up on the side of the arena trying to break through the net. Apparently he was having some trouble so I walked over to help. Now that I was closer it looked like the net was made from metal cords that were wrapped around each other like a rope. Well, I guess that would keep most people in, but I'm a sex raptor. With that said I punched the cord with my right fist... It wasn't very affective... "Ouch." Punching a metal cable might not have been the best idea.

Whatever, like I even care about pain. Pain is just weakness leaving the body. Since that didn't work I skipped straight to the big guns. And by big guns I mean the economy. "Gogo gadget economy cable cutters!" I sat there for about a minute trying to shape the energon into the correct shape, and in the end my cable cutters looked more like big scissors, but whatever. That'll do pig, that'll do.

With my new giant blue glowey scissors I was able to make short work of the net and climb out into the bleachers. "So, Steve, what's up?"

Steve kicked the ground awkwardly while he replied. "Oh not much, just hid while they dragged you off. Then I followed you here and now there's a giant monster murdering everybody." Sounds like a regular day for me.

"Monster you say? What kind of monster?"

"IDK my BFF Jill. Why don't you go look at it for yourself." Steve is always filled with good ideas.

"Sounds good." I then walked out one of the exit doors of the arena. Good thing almost all the other gryphons had already exited or it would be impossible to get out in a timely manner. Once I was outside the first thing I notices is that we clearly weren't in Aviaria anymore. The arena was positioned on a steep hill in between two large peeks. There were only a few dozen other buildings near the arena and the rest were built up onto the cliffs. The whole place was definitely a lot bigger than Aviaria. They must have shipped me here after I was captured.

Now that that's out of the way, it would have been hard not to notice the monster climbing the steep hill towards the city.

"Paul, what do your raptor eyes see?" Steve asked as he stepped beside me.

What I saw was a horrible monster. It looked like a giant dark-brown tarantula for the most part aside from what it was wearing. It had a dark red visor that covered its tiny little eyes and a large metal box with several antennas sticking out strapped onto its back. On the right side of the box there was a large mounted chain gun that was swiveling around and firing at any gryphons it could see. On the other side was what looked like a missile launcher complete with a spherical missile targeting system. Judging by the size of the holes, it probably shot quite a few small missiles, likely ground to ground. Next the creature had thin metal plates strapped onto the outer part of its legs and thicker plates that flayed outwards on the front two arms that seemed to be used as a shield for the spider's face. The front legs each ended in scythe-like blades that were about two feet long. Well, that's weird... "A spider."

"Ok." Steve seemed satisfied with that answer. Now the question is 'what to do now?'. From the looks of it the spider is being pestered by dozens of armed gryphons. Any that try to approach it on the ground are quickly sliced to pieces and the ones in the air are getting shot down by the chain gun. Several gryphons seemed to have found a blind spot on the creature, just about the gun where they were able to try to stab at it with their spears. Their weapons had little affect, but at least the creature couldn't hit them. Then it angled its abdomen downwards and started scraping against it rapidly with its back legs. The result was that some of the hairs on the creature's butt were flung off in a cone above the spider.

Normally a tarantula's hairs would hardly pierce the skin when thrown like this and would be irritating at most, but with one of that size they were like small blades. Needless to say, several of the gryphons who had thought they found a safe spot where impaled by dozens of needle-like hairs and were no longer able to fly. The rest were forced to retreat to avoid a similar fate.

While the spider drank the fallen gryphons' guts out like a delicious milkshake I had time to contemplate what was going on. First off, spiders suck. They're almost as bad as centipedes. I can't suffer one to live, especially one that big. The obvious choice is that I need to kill it, but the even more obvious question is 'how?'. The thing looks like it could go several rounds with Mike Tyson, and that guy eats ears!

Of course I never got an opportunity to think up a plan because the thing spotted me. At least I think it did, it suddenly faced towards me and started charging. In case you didn't know, spiders run really fast. Those eight legs aren't there just for show. By now it's probably too late to try to escape on Steve's back because we would just be shot down. Wilp, it looks like I'll just have to face it the way I face every enemy I ever see. Heeeeeead ooooooon (apply directly to the forehead)!

Thus the most epic battle all day started. And then the omega spider theme song started playing.

The fight started when the giant spider fired a trio of small missiles at me. I quickly ran to the right as fast as I could avoiding the missiles that arced upwards slightly before smashing into the ground and exploding where I had just been. Thank Got they weren't heat seeking, that would just be obnoxious. The next thing I knew the chain gun was pointed at me and started releasing a stream of bullets. I once again dodged to the side narrowly avoiding an untimely death by spider. Unfortunately this thing was pretty good aim and as soon as I moved the gun swiveled to follow me. My only choice was to continue moving as the bullets struck dangerously close behind me.

After running around randomly for a few seconds I jumped behind a building in the hopes that it would protect me. It didn't as the metal bullets simply cut through the walls. The one good thing is that the spider must have lost visibility as it was just shooting through the building randomly now. I got onto my belly to avoid the shots that whizzed by over my head and started channeling some economic energon into my claw. After a few moments I had a perfectly good energon sword and I was ready for battle.

I was about to get up when the building I was hiding behind suddenly exploded into thousands of small wood chunks. I looked up after a second to see that the omega spider had just charged right through the structure and was now standing a few meters in front of me. It didn't seem to notice me under the rubble and was looking around for where I went. This could work, maybe I can get a sneak attack in.

I slowly rose out of the rubble hoping the spider wouldn't notice me there. It did. As soon as I moved it turned around and lunged at me. I hardly had time to react before the spider's front leg blades were swinging at me. I managed to dodge back enough to avoid the first few swings but the thing was persistent and kept coming. After a few moments of dodging I was finally able to bring my sword up to block an attack. It didn't do much to help. Although my economy sword would normally have little trouble cutting through steal, this thing's blades were hardly even scratched from my block. What's worse is that it attacked with enough force to easily push me back. I was able to block a few more attacks but I had to take a step back each time just to keep my balance.

It became very clear that I wasn't going to win the fight this way so I decided to pull back slightly. After blocking another one of its attacks I suddenly turned around and bolted behind another nearby building. I was hoping that perhaps I could surprise it somehow and get a good enough attack in to swing the odds in my favor. Once I was behind that building I instantly sprinted towards another one. If I was going to do this, I needed for it to not know where I was. As soon as I got behind another building I heard the resulting crash of the omega spider bursting through the last building I was behind. At least it was a little ways back, maybe this would work fine.

Of course, then the spider started firing missile into random nearby buildings including the one I had just jumped behind. The result was multiple buildings crumbling in plumes of smoke and me being thrown onto my face by the force of the explosion. I looked up to see the spider firing several more missiles into buildings before it seemed to notice me getting up. Shit, this thing must have some kind of tracking device if it's able to find me that easily.

Oh well, looks like my sneaking idea isn't going to work so well. I stood up and charged at the creature as fast as I could, perhaps if I put enough force into my attack I can actually cut through something. Then my charge was cut short as the spider started firing at me again with it's chain gun. "Fucking op guns!" I yelled as I was forced to run diagonally instead of straight at it. I continued to strafe to the side as the spider charged at me. Perhaps this could work. Once it was within hitting distance of me I jumped forward and landed next to the spider's side. Without wasting any time I swung my sword as hard as I could into the closest appendage, which was one of its legs. The blade managed to cut through the thin armor on the outer part of the leg, but it didn't go in very far before it lost its momentum.

I quickly pulled the blade back and was about to swing again when the spider spun around and swung at me with its front arm. Well that's just great, the spider clearly doesn't care very much about pain. That just makes everything more difficult. Instead of trying to attack again I brought my economy sword up and blocked the attack. It pushed me back a couple of steps and as soon as I got my balance back the spider lunged at me again. This time it had its fangs bared and was trying to ram them into my chest. No doubt the poison from those things would be enough to easily paralyze me and then the fight would be as good as over.

Instead of moving back I instinctually jumped straight up to avoid the attack. This worked out quite nice as I landed on top of the spider's mid section. Yes, perhaps I can do some damage now! I quickly swung my sword at the first thing that I could see, which was the missile guidance system. My blade easily smashed through the front of the device and affectively made the missile launcher useless. I was so distracted by trying to do damage to the spider that I didn't even notice as it started scraping its back legs against its abdomen.

The result was that I got a dozen or so sharp hairs stabbed into my side. I may have tough scales, but those hairs still pierced at least a centimeter deep and man did it hurt. "AWWW FUCK ON A MARVELOUS BREADFISH!"

I was too busy screaming to notice what the spider was doing so it came as a surprise to me when we suddenly burst through another building juggernaut style. I was flung off as the monster passed straight through the collapsing structure. I quickly got to my feet only to notice that the building was collapsing in my direction. "Shit shit shit!" I yelled as I ran in the opposite direction, narrowly avoiding large chunks of wood that were falling onto the street.

As soon as I got far enough away to not be crushed I took a moment to sigh in relief and wipe the sweat off my head. "Whewf, crisis averted."

As if to mock me for thinking that I had averted anything, the spider suddenly climbed up onto the remains of the ruined building and started firing missiles at me. Well, not really at me, without the targeting system they just flew off willy nilly in random directions. Some blew up across the remains of the town and one even flew up and exploded on the side of the mountain knocking several buildings down. Ouch, sucks to be gryphons right now...

Once it realized that missiles were out of the question it switched back to the chain gun that it seemed to love oh so much. I, on the other hand, hate that thing. Always shooting bullets like it owns the place... Who does it think it is? As I ran to the side to avoid the bullets I realized something very important. I feel stupid for not realizing this before. The spider's abdomen isn't covered by any armor! That's very obviously its weak point, and if I've learned anything from giant enemy crabs it's that you can attack weak points for massive damage.

I continued running around dodging the bullets as I looked around for something to exploit. Unfortunately just about every building in the area was reduced to a flaming pile of debris. Even the arena was mostly destroyed by now. It looks like I'd just have to do this the old fashion way. I started charging energon into my other claw as I ran around. By the sound of it, the spider was easily gaining on me. Once it was close enough to start striking at me I turned around and jumped with all my might allowing me to easily fly over it. As soon as I landed I wasted no time in using the charged energon to fire an economy laser at the spider's abdomen. The blue laser struck it right in the spinneret and burned a large swath out up to the middle of its abdomen.

I chuckled excitedly as I fired the likely fatal attack. Of course this is no ordinary human spider we're talking about, this is a giant armored death spider. Now that I think about it, I don't think Mike Tyson would stand a chance against this thing. The spider simply turned around looked at me as though it didn't even care that I just burned a huge chunk out of its butt. Chances are it doesn't care. "Well shit..." I muttered before the spider began charging at me again.

It looks like I'd have to do damage to something a bit more vital if I want to kill this thing. By now the spider was upon me again with its blade arms trying to cut me into little pieces. It seemed to really want me dead. I continued to try to think of a plan as I blocked attack after attack. So its face is pretty well protected from the visor and its front arms. Its legs are potentially vulnerable but it would take a lot to chop them off and I'd need to take off at least half of them before it became an issue. Its back is covered in metal that I could potentially destroy, but that wouldn't hurt it and it's hard to get at that. Its butt could be damaged, but at this rate it'll take all day to do enough to kill it that way. By then I might slip up and get chopped in half or shot or something.

Then I thought of the one place that I haven't tried attacking yet. The belly! I glanced under the spider's front arms briefly between its attacks and sure enough there was a bit of room between it and the ground. Now then, how am I supposed to even get at its belly?

I briefly contemplated different routes that I could go. The front is too protected, it would likely hit me with its blades or bite me if I try to go that way. I could try the back door (hehe) but the abdomen is dragged pretty close to the ground and if I'm back there it would be easier to just attack its butt anyways. It looks like the only option is the sides.

Without thinking too much more about it I jumped to the right and rolled, coming up next to the spider's legs. Before it could do anything I ran in between two of its legs and slashed upwards through its belly all the way until I emerged from in between its legs on the other side. The result was a huge gash from one end to the other that was now streaming out black goo onto the ground. I ran a little ways away before turning to see how much damage my attack did.

By now the spider had collapsed onto the ground, making an angry hissing sound. It was flailing with its legs but the cut down its midsection seemed to be keeping it from doing much of anything. I could probably just leave it there to die at this point, but no reason to take any chances. Besides, if I've learned anything from Naxxramas it's that giant spiders drop loot when you kill them.

I approached the spider cautiously as it continued to flail and hiss. It seemed too distracted right now to even shoot me with its chain gun. I guess the least I could do is put it out of its misery. Unfortunately I don't have a shotgun or I'd totally reenact the end of old yeller. Instead I had to suffice with simply stabbing my economy sword into its face. It continued to hiss for a few seconds before it finally went limp.

Woot, I killed a giant spider! I turned around and jumped into the air. "I am victory!" As I landed Steve ran up next to me.

"Woah, that was close. We almost didn't make it!" Fucking Steve trying to take credit for my kill.

"Nope, you didn't even help!"

"I was there for emotional support. If anything I deserve most of the credit for this because without me you'd probably be a crying mess in the arena right now." Awww what a dick.

"Pshhh whatever." I looked around to see the ruins of what used to be quite a few gryphon buildings. "Perhaps we should leave before the locals kick our shit."

"That's probably the best idea you've had in the past few days."

"Hey, I'm the pretty one, you're the idea man!" I'm damn sexy.

Our witty conversation was interrupted as the spider began to glow blue. "Shit, come on! I thought it was dead!" I was gonna' be really pissed if it suddenly revived and I had to fight it again or something. Knowing my luck it'll probably be stronger the second time. Then the entire thing began to raise into the air, just the metal stuff seemed to evaporate.

"Thank you for freeing me." What the fuck?! Now it talks?!??! "I've been trapped under the affect of the mind control for hundreds, maybe even thousands of years now."

I really didn't know how to respond. "Umm, K. No problem."

"After Celestia and Luna's betrayal I've been under their control." Oh so those dicks sent this thing after me? Fucking ponies always trying to kill me and shit... "Of course, even now I can't bring myself to stay mad at them. They are my greatest creation. That's why I ask you to destroy them for me." Ummm what?

"Sorry bro, but I wasn't really planning on doing that."

"Pleaaaase!" The giant spider floating before me seemed to give its best puppy dog eyes. Maybe that would have worked if it wasn't a huge horrifying creature and I wasn't a heartless dick.

Oh well, least I could do is give it some hope. Maybe that would get it away from me. I rubbed my face for a moment before sighing. "Ok, how about this? If I go back to Equestria, I'll destroy the princesses for you."

This seemed to be good enough for the spider and it let out a 'squee'. "Thank you hero. Now then, I no longer have a place here, my place is among the stars! Farrrrewellllllll!" It yelled as it flew up into the sky. Well that was weird and overly dramatic...

"Hey Steve."

"Yeah Paul?"

"Let's never talk about this again..."

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Shewf, that chapter took a while to type. It also has like literally 30 references in it. Then again, so does every other chapter.

I don't know about you but I thought the omega spider theme song was strangely fitting. I actually came up with the idea for the omega spider while playing magic 2013 on xbox with my friends. Before you judge, that game is simple and fun and there's like a million ways to troll people on it. Anyways I had like a 40/40 spider and I paused the game when I attacked and played that music through the mic for the lol's. It made the whole thing about 500% more epic. It was all great fun until he used a card to kill it... Also I listened to that song for like an hour and a half while I typed this...

Baldur's gate was pretty cool back in the day. That game taught me everything I know about jumping around constantly to move faster.

I hope you enjoyed the epic battle scene, it was hard to type.

Damnit. I just realized I didn't call it a 'spiderp' once the whole time! D:< Oh well, I'll just call it a spiderp in the title.