Author's note: Hehe, haven't updated this in like two weeks. If you haven't figured it out I've been typing my other story (Halo man in Equestria: Humping is Magic). I'm mostly done with that though so I'll be getting back to this. If you haven't read it, you should. I think it's pretty cool at least.
Also, I'm going to change this so it's in Paul's first person perspective instead of being third person most of the time. I learned that it's not only a lot easier to type like that, but it allows me to add more depth to the character. Rofl, like I give a shit about my characters!? Anyways, without further adieu, here's some SHIIIIT!
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I woke up. Yes I know what you're thinking, 'hey Paul, stop telling us useless crap and get to the interesting stuff'. Well you can just go kill yourself, you know that? I mean, you can. Please don't though. Anyways, just give me some time here, it's only been five sentences. Half of those weren't even good sentences!

Anyways, as I was saying before I went off on that short rant, I woke up. Now, don't get me wrong. Waking up is cool and all, but this time it really sucked.

Not following? Allow me to elaborate. I woke up, underground. Now I don't know if any of you have ever woken up under a layer of dirt, but I'm going to assume that you haven't. If you have then congratulations, you're probably an earth worm or something. I, however, am not an earthworm as you know very well at this point, and as a 'not earthworm' I'm not used to waking up in such a fashion.

Now, before you judge me I'd like to say that I'm not ashamed of what I did next. In fact, I feel that my reaction was the appropriate one in this situation. I panicked. I flailed my arms around wildly and I would have probably screamed all kinds of profanities if it weren't for the dirt tightly packed into my mouth. A little known fact, it's hard to yell with something in your mouth.

Get your mind out of the gutters. I may be a sex raptor, but I'm not THAT kind of sex raptor. Now then, I need to stop getting off track, but it's hard to focus when the earth is trying to make you its bitch. At least there's one thing that I can be thankful for, however. Apparently, I was only a little ways underground. By a little ways, I mean like a foot or two.

That little fact was a life saver since the only reason I managed to escape my earthy prison is that, while flailing my arms, I found open air. In case you don't know, or you lack any mental fortitude whatsoever, air has a distinctly different texture than solid ground. I don't think I need to explain that difference since I'm sure that you have all felt both air and the ground in your lives. If you haven't, then I'm very sorry for you.

Now, with my recently acquired knowledge on which direction is 'up', I pulled myself out of the ground. I imagine that anyone in the area would have probably freaked out at the sight of me suddenly unburrowing, but there was no one around so I can't confirm that. Once I was back in the sweet embrace of open air, I spat out my mouthful of dirt and took several deep breaths.

"Oh, delicious air. I'll never take you for granted again!" It was an empty promise, I'll probably forget all about how air is constantly keeping me alive within a few hours. I looked back at the ground that I was recently buried in. I really don't remember how I could have possibly gotten there... Really, I was just walking through the forest when suddenly...

I don't really know what happened. Maybe I tripped? And perhaps I hit the ground so hard that I managed to bury myself? Sadly, that's the best hypothesis I could come up with at the moment as my head suddenly started to hurt badly. It really wouldn't be the first time something extremely weird like that has happened...

Now then, back to the horrible, pulsing, head-splitting, headache that I find myself with. "Gah! That smarts!" I reached up and clutched my head with both claws trying to somehow push the pain away. Needless to say, it didn't work. Turns out that smashing your head into the ground so hard that you manage to bury yourself several feet under really hurts. I'm actually slightly surprised that I don't have some sort of brain damage. Or maybe I do, perhaps the pain in my head is from internal bleeding in my brain?

Huh, that's gonna' be hard to fix since I don't have any medical insurance. Then again, I'm not sure if that's how it works here. For all I know, they have free health care, like space Canada. Perhaps I should learn more about that later.

Looking back down at the hole I had emerged from I was very thankful that I hadn't somehow fallen deeper into the ground. I would have never been able to find my way out. Then I would have been stuck down there for like thirty hours till I suffocated. Yeah, I can hold my breath for pretty long. Sex raptors have excellent lungs. But don't take my word for it, go look it up on google or something.

Of course, I never get any time to just sit and think. Suddenly the pain in my head returned with a vengeance. "Egads! It feels like an army of tiny cats are having a nuclear war in my head!" I can only imagine that tiny nuclear war heads would hurt pretty badly if they went off on your brain. Now, once again clutching my head, I noticed several long gashes between my forehead and the top of my skull. Pulling my claws back revealed that they were now covered in dry blood.

Looks like internal bleeding isn't all I need to be worried about. No doubt with head wounds like that I'd lost quite a bit of blood while I was unconscious. Now that I think about it, I am feeling pretty woozy. At least the wounds scabbed over... Unfortunately, I'll probably need a tiny shovel to remove all the dirt that got inside the cuts. But that was future me's problem.

Well today sucks, I just woke up and I already feel like shit. It must be monday. At least I was able to pull my attention from my horribly wounded head for long enough to see that the sun was going down over the horizon. Perhaps I should get back to the library and take a nap. I know, sleep is for idiot heads, but at the moment I'd rather be an idiot head than have this kind of pain in my head. I'm pretty sure sleeping is pretty good for you when you receive a major injury, but I might be wrong about that.

Now, with my new quest, I shambled back towards Ponyville. Yeah, I shambled. I'm not gonna' lie to you, the mixture of extreme blood loss and thought debilitating pain in my head really made it hard to walk properly. I just hope that my head isn't horribly misshapen after my little accident. My beauty is all I have! You know, aside from extreme fighting skills, the ability to use economic energon, and my above par intellect.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm pretty much the best ever. No big deal! Not to brag or anything...

The trip through the forest took a long time. At least, it seemed like a long time. It really wasn't easy to keep track, but it was dark once I got to Ponyville so I assume it was at least an hour. I then wandered through the empty cobblestone streets in the dark trying to remember where the library is.

*************

Spike was sweeping up the library like he always does before we go to sleep while I sat on the couch and read. If he doesn't get rid of all the dust and dirt how am I supposed to sleep? I can't sleep while knowing that there is dirt on the floor in my library! No need to worry about that, though. Today was supposed to be special.

First, I offed that stupid sex raptor. Honestly, that's probably the greatest accomplishment in my life. I'm actually kinda' glad that he came to town, otherwise I wouldn't have gotten to murder him. Then again, it's not murder if he doesn't have a soul. Only ponies have a sole... Next I got to see some of my friends. Admittedly, seeing my friends wasn't that special. Rarity was rendered brain dead by the trauma she endured while falling down the stairs. Worse yet, Pinkie Pie seemed to suspect something.

No, that's probably just my nerves playing tricks on me. She'll never suspect a thing, none of them will. I'm simply too good at lying. Then, I even got to write the princess a friendship report. I've gotten pretty behind on those, so I'm sure she was happy to receive that. Of course, she's always so busy, I wonder if she even had time to read it. Whatever, there's nothing I can do about that so no reason to worry about it.

I looked back at my book and continued reading. It was a saucy romance novel I borrowed from Rarity. I'm not really into this kind of book, but I've already read everything in the library. Besides, Rarity insisted that it was good. It was about Sir Pudding Wiggles and his quest to seduce princess Stink Sack.

Then Sir Pudding Wiggles slapped a dozen wet rubber bands against her flank and groaned. "These rubber bands aren't the only things that are going to be wet once I'm finished." He then pulled a water balloon filled with melted cheese from a nearby table and jiggled it around in one hoof.

"Oh Wiggles, you're so naughty!" Said princess Stink Sack as she batted her eyes towards her boy toy. "Rub that cheese all over my horn!"

Sir Pudding Wiggles smiled and brought the cheese balloon to her horn. "Don't mind if I do." He then popped it on her head and drenched her mane in delicious orange liquid. Then he picked up a rolled up news paper from the table and wiped up as much cheese as he could before he wiped it off on her horn.

"That's the spot! Cheese harder!" But Sir Pudding Wiggles still had a few other tricks up his sleeve. He walked into the other room and soon came back with a dozen adorable baby bunnies.

"I have the bunnies!" Exclaimed Sir Pudding Wiggles as he slapped the princess with their bodies until they became limp. By now, she had some large bruises.

"Yes! Now Nidus my main!" Sir Pudding Wiggles then built a nidus network an-

What the hay is this? Is this what pony mating rituals are like? I really don't have much experience with that sort of thing, but I don't think that that's how it works. Now that I think of it, how do ponies mate?

Step 1: Two ponies

Step 2: ????

Step 3: Babies

Hmmm. First there's two ponies, then there's three ponies. You can't explain that. Perhaps Celestia knows how that works. I'll have to send her a letter asking about it some time.

I was about to go back to reading until I heard a loud bump outside the library. Probably just a ruh-coon (That's how I pronounce raccoon. Don't judge me). There's always ruh-coons hanging out around the library at night since it's a big tree and such. Annoying little vermin. If I leave the windows open at night they come in and then they can't figure out how to escape.

I've found no less than three drowned ruh-coons in the toilet in the morning. I guess they panic at being stuck inside and either try to escape through the pipes or they just kill themselves to avoid whatever fate I'd have in store for them. A wise move, I've heard that death by magic overexposure is very painful.

Then there was another loud banging against the library wall next to the door. Ok, that's too loud to be a ruh-coon. I think Spike realized that too because he stopped sweeping and began looking around. Perhaps it was Owlicious trying to get inside. I haven't seen him in days! Then again, Owlicious knows that he just has to go near a window and I'll open it.

I looked over to Spike. "Why aren't you sweeping?!"

He suddenly stood up straight and a bead of sweat could be seen on his face. "Sorry princess Twilight, it won't happen again!" He then started sweeping even quicker than before, as if to make up for lost time.

I insist that he calls me princess when we're alone. I'll be a princess some day, so he might as well get used to calling me one. Of course, if he does it in public ponies will think I'm weird. Then there was another bang on the wall.

"Gah!" I shouted while throwing my book against the table. Doesn't whatever is making that noise know that it's extremely rude to make all kinds of noise like that at this late of an hour? I then got up off the couch so that I could go and show whatever was outside the true meaning of pain. I only took about two steps before the door suddenly swung open.

What I saw was the last thing I think I wanted to see at the moment. Standing in the doorway was none other than Paul. Of course he was all covered in dirt and blood and he looked slightly dazed. "Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaghh brains!"

I was petrified in fear at that moment. All I could think of is how Paul was now here to enact his revenge. Then Spike shouted something.

"ZAAAAAAAAAMBIE!" Thankfully this was enough to snap me out of my sudden fear, at least enough to trigger my flight instinct. Needless to say, I got the buck out of there. I turned and sprinted up the stairs, trampling Spike as he had a similar idea. Oh well, only the strong survive. It's not my fault he's slow. Hopefully Paul is so preoccupied with eating Spike's brains that he forgets about me for long enough to make my daring escape.

Sure, Spike would be missed, but his death would be for a noble cause. Allowing a more important creature to live. Dragons don't have souls like ponies do, so his life isn't worth as much.

I then ran into my room at the top of the stairs. Spike ran in right behind me, apparently he had failed at his one purpose in life. Being a sacrifice... Oh well, no time to worry about that right now. I then used my magic to shut the door and drag all the furniture of the room in front of it. There, that would surely keep him out!

Now I just need some help. I'll just write Celestia like I planned, she'll surely send aid. I grabbed a piece of paper off of the desk that was now pushed up against the door and began writing.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Ponyville is under attack by some kind of dragon monster. He's extremely dangerous and I suspect that he's involved in a lot of the crime around town recently. Thankfully, I was able to trap him in the library temporarily, but some help would be very appreciated.

Your faithful student,

Twilight Sparkle

PS: Where do babies come from?

There, that letter would work fine for now. "Spike, send this to Celestia!"

He then burninated the paper and the green smoke flew off through the ceiling. At least dragon mail is fast. Unfortunately, Celestia will probably be asleep by now, so she won't see my letter till tomorrow morning. Looks like I'll just have to hold up here and wait for her to send guards.

Putting an ear to the wall I couldn't hear any noise coming from downstairs. Perhaps he left. Maybe I should go down and check. Wait, no! That's a terrible idea! That's probably exactly what he wants! No, I'll wait here...

Now then, why is he alive?! Is he a zombie or something? I could have sworn I killed him! Then I remembered my friendship report from earlier. "Oh no..." I muttered. "Head wounds are a natural part of growing up... I didn't kill him, I only made him stronger!" This seemed like sound logic at the time.

*************

After wandering around for a while, I finally found the library. Of course, by now I felt like I was going to pass out at any moment. Perhaps I lost even more blood than I thought. My vision was swimming as I felt up to the wall of the big tree. I hit it a little harder than I meant to. Now I just needed to find the door. After feeling around a bit I finally found the door and pushed it open.

I took a step in and saw several shocked purple ponies. No, it was just one, my head was just fucked up right now... "Excuse me dear Twilight, but I believe that I injured my head somehow. I would greatly appreciate some type of medical assistance. For the moment, though, I'm going to go lie down. I feel like a gorilla just punched me in the brains!"

At least, that's what I was hoping to say. It probably came out as more of a gurgled moaning noise, but I think Twilight got the idea as her and Spike ran up the stairs. No doubt to get help... What nice roommates I have. I'm really lucky to have them. Whatever, time to sleep.

I managed to walk over to my mattress that I was using as a bed while I stayed here before collapsing. It took all of three seconds before I was in a deep, blood loss induced sleep.

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So yeah. This chapter switches perspective a few times, but I think it's pretty obvious who it's talking about. Personally, I think that the first person worked nicely in this chapter.
Hopefully you didn't think Paul was going to stay dead... I'm not going to kill off the main character... Or am I?

Lolz, I hope you guys liked the mini clop fic about Sir Pudding Wiggles. I felt really awkward while typing that...