Authors note: Typing this while watching some mlg sc2. Gotta love Husky. Don't judge me...
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Paul finished up work for the day and began walking through Ponyville to the hardware store. He was wearing his sunglasses and looking super fly.

Nothing could mess up today, he was gonna' finish his ultimate creation for sure! He had enough money for all the metal parts he needed and we was getting pretty close to finishing it. This is quite impressive since he had only been working on it for two days. His walk was soon interrupted, however, when a mint green unicorn walked in front of him. It was clearly trying to get his attention so he stopped and pulled down his sunglasses in a 'what do you want?' kind of way (if that makes sense).

The unicorn looked him up and down before clearing its throat. "Hi, I'm lyra." Obviously a girl pony. "I haven't gotten a chance to talk to you since you moved in."

Well this was different, none of the ponies had been interested in talking to him as of yet. They all seemed content with avoiding him since he was a freak. "Oh, well hi. I'm Paul."

"Yeah I know. I saw you at the party. That was a pretty cool story you told."

Paul rolled his eyes. Of course she only wanted to talk to him to make fun of him. "Yeah, yeah. It was a stupid story, go ahead and try to make fun of me. My jimmies are rustle proof."

"What, no I mean I really liked it. Did you really do all those things?"

Now Paul was a little surprised, this pony seemed genuinely interested. "Of course, I do cool stuff all the time."

"That's so awesome!" Yelled Lyra. "Hey, you should come ro my house for dinner tonight. I can introduce you to my roommate and you can tell more cool stories!"

Now Paul knew he had work to do to finish his project, but the opportunity of receiving free food and getting to recount some glorious stories was too good to pass up. "That sounds great, where do you live?"

"I'll show you, follow me!" With that she started trotting off down the road. Paul follow closely behind until they got to a small, two-story house. Lyra walked inside and motioned for Paul to follow, which he did. As they walked in he smelled something cooking. It smelled like carrots and potatoes.

"Hey Bon-bon, I'm home! And I brought a guest!"

"Oh great, do you finally have a colt friend? Everyone was starting to think you're a lesbian!" Called someone from the other room. Paul assumed this was Bon-bon.

Lyra rolled her eyes, clearly used to this kind of thing. "No, it's Paul, the dragon."

After saying this Bon-bon walked from the other room to get a look at this 'dragon'. She stared at Paul for a few seconds before turning to Lyra with a slightly annoyed look. "Lyra, can I talk to you in private for a few seconds?"

Lyra nodded and followed Bon-bon into the other room while Paul stood there awkwardly. He heard some hushed voices coming through the doorway but couldn't tell what they were saying. He could guess that they were probably talking about him though.

"Don't worry, Bon-bon is always weird about Lyra bringing guests home."

Paul looked over and saw a red pony with a dark red main sitting on a couch on the other side of the room. "Oh hey." Said Paul as awkwardly as ever.

At this point Lyra and Bon-bon came back. Bon-bon was clearly wearing a faked smile as she started talking. "Lyra says you'll be staying for dinner."

"Of course he will, he's our guest for this evening." Answered Lyra.

"Always bringing home weird guests..." Said Bon-bon under her breath. Paul heard her clearly, though, because he has ultimate sex raptor ear-holes.

They then walked into the other room and Paul followed. It was clearly a dining room based on the big wooden table that took up the majority of the space. Lyra and the red pony walked in and pulled up chairs while Bon-bon grabbed bowls from a nearby counter and placed them on the table. Paul decided to join them and he pulled up a chair. He was soon presented with a bowl full of soup as well. His smelling senses were correct earlier, and he confirmed that the soup was of potato and carrot origin.

Now that they were all seated and had food the ponies bowed their heads and Bon-bon started talking. "We thank you Celestia for this food and for allowing us to live another day without being smote by your ungodly hellfire. Hail Celestia!"

The other two ponies replied with a "Hail Celestia!" before they stuffed their faces into the bowls of soup. Although Paul didn't like vegetables much, he decided that it would be rude to not eat the soup, so he stuck his face into his bowl as well. It didn't taste too bad, sure it was no triceritops urine (which tastes really good btw) but it was alright.

After a while of them slurping up food Lyra decided to start a conversation. "So Paul, I heard you're living with Twilight Sparkle."

"Oh, yeah. Me and her are great friends, she practically insisted that I stay with her when I first arrived."

"And how did you arrive?"

"I crash landed in a space ship of course." Said Paul as he pulled a piece of carrot from his bowl and devoured it.

Bon-bon rolled her eyes. "Oh Celestia, Lyra will believe anything. You don't actually expect anyone sane to buy that do you?"

"I wish someone would buy that, then I could quit my job."

Lyra thought his extremely lame joke was really funny and spat out a mouthful of soup while laughing. Bon-bon, on the other hand, thought it was extremely lame. "So how did you and Lyra meet?"

"That's a really interesting story actually. I was walking through town just a few minutes ago, when she walks up and says 'hi'. So naturally I'm just like 'who's this pony?', but I was all cool and said 'hi' back. Then she invited me to dinner."

Bon-bon just turned and gave Lyra and angry look before continuing. "So you met Lyra just a few minutes ago?"

"Yep."

"And she just invited you to dinner randomly?"

"That's pretty much how it went, yes."

"So you walked in and joined us for dinner, and you don't even know any of us?"

"I know your names, isn't that good enough?"

Bon-bon face hoofed and decided that she didn't want to talk to Paul anymore. Lyra took this as a cue to start talking again. "So how have you been doing since you got into Ponyville? Where do you work?"

"I've been doing alright. It is pretty annoying how racist all the ponies are though. I got a job at the apple farm at least."

"Isn't that an apple orchard? Not a farm?"

"You know, I want to call it an orchard, but they also have pigs and cows. This would imply that it's a farm, however, it also has a ton of apple trees. With that said, I don't know what the hell to call it."

"I never really thought about that. What do you do there?"

"I help with gathering apples mostly, but I also have to..." Paul shuttered for a second. "Milk the cows and such."

"Is 'milking the cows' some kind of slang for sex?"

Paul was slightly surprised by this, he hadn't even heard ponies mention sex since he got here. He was starting to wonder if they even reproduced that way seeing as though they don't have any junk. He only noticed because they are all naked all the time. At this point he wouldn't be surprised if baby ponies just crawled out of the ground or something. Or perhaps Celestia is like an ant queen and she's giant and lays a bunch of pony babies. "Ugh no. It just means that I milk them."

"Cool... Cool..." Lyra said absently. At this point the red pony got up carrying the bowl and walked past Paul to the counter behind him. He didn't pay the pony any attention, it clearly wasn't very talkative.

"So, Paul. Did you hear about the manticore that came into town last night?"

Now she was just trying to start a conversation. Of course he heard about it, the whole town heard about it! "Yes I hear-" He stopped as his spider senses suddenly started to go crazy. Without thinking he jumped out of his chair and turned around. What he saw was the red pony somehow holding a knife in its hoof and trying to stab him. Thankfully his reflexes are as fast as two cheetahs tied together. It stands to reason that if you tie two cheetahs with equal reflex speeds together then their reflex speed will be doubled. With that said, Paul simply moved his hand at a high speed and slapped the knife away.

As soon as he did that the pony in front of him disappeared and was replaced by none other than RED spy. "Merde."

"The fuck?" Asked Paul seriously confused about this.

The RED spy wasn't going to give up yet, though. He started to pull out his revolved until Paul punched his arm. It easily snapped under the pressure of Paul's awesome strength. He screamed and backed away, clearly in pain from having his arm brutally mutilated.

"Alright, I want some explanation. I thought I killed you!"

"You got blood on my suit..."

"Either I get some answers or you lose some legs."

The RED spy simply reached into a pocket and pulled out his spy watch, it was a deadringer. Clearly he never died, he just turned invisible and used a decoy to make Paul think he was dead. Very clever. Then he pulled out his cigarette case and spy crabbed out the door and into the night. It still didn't explain how he survived the ship crash, or why he was here. But Paul didn't really care about all the details.

Paul didn't even bother to go after him, there's no arguing with a spy crab. He then turned to Lyra. "You knew, didn't you?"

Lyra just smiled awkwardly and looked away.

"You tried to get me killed!" Yelled Paul. Clearly not even Lyra liked him. Stupid ponies...

Then Lyra surprised everyone as she transformed into none other than Dr. Alan Grant AKA Sam Neill AKA the main character from Jurassic Park. "Clever girl... I'll get you next time."

"The fuck on a dick?" Asked Paul very intelligently.

Then the musician formerly known as Lyra transformed again, this time into Captain Barbossa. "You best start believing in pony fanfics, Mr. Paul. You're in one."

"What the hell is even happening here?!" Yelled Paul as he raised his arms up.

Then Captain Barbossa transformed into Skeletor. "You furry fool! I'll get you next time!" With that said, Skeletor ran across the room with his arms flailing and jumped through a closed window.

Paul got up and looked outside to see Skeletor turn into Dr. Zoidberg and scuttle away.

He stood there for a few seconds before turning to look at Bon-bon. She looked just as confused as him. "WHAT THE FUCK ON A GIANT BAG OF FLAMING CROCODILE DICKS JUST HAPPENED?!?!?1!??@!"

Bon-bon just stared back at him with her mouth hanging open. It turns out he wasn't going to find out what happened from her, so he decided to leave. "Thanks for dinner, remind me to never come here again." As he said this he walked out of the house and towards the hardware store. It was getting pretty late, but hopefully he'd be able to finish his creation before tomorrow. Either way, he'd surely be able to get all the supplies he needed so he wouldn't have to waste his time working any more.

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Lyra is best pony. Search your feelings, you know it to be true. Maybe she'll appear in this story again later. Either way, I had a mental debate for several hours about how I was going to do Lyra in this story.

Lol, I like how I can kill off characters from the show and no one even cares. No one likes Zecora anyways. Maybe I'll kill off Fluttershy or the cutie mark crusaders next! Jk... That's not gonna happen...