I tapped my foot on the ground and crossed my arms. I don’t want to be here, but Pinkie had insisted. Well…okay, she didn’t insist. She’s had a pretty big aversion to ‘insisting’ ever since I blew up at her. But she did ask. Nicely. Once. You know, I can actually feel my masculinity slipping away as a result of being so whipped. Once I get outta here, I’m gonna have to blow something up, just so that I don’t grow a vagina.

I raised my fist to knock on the large golden door again, but to my surprise it swung open. Upon looking down, I saw the thing I always dread coming into contact with.

Princess Sparklebutt.

She looked up at me and smiled somewhat anxiously.

“Hello, Hunter.” She said warmly, if a tad timidly. I don’t really blame her. All the other times we’ve been in a room together, things just get awkward real fast. Wonder why.

“Why am I here, Sparklebutt?” I said, my voice void of elation or hatred. I don’t hate Twilight; in fact, I consider her one of my friends. But I do like to give her a hard time, especially for all of the crap I go through whenever I come over here. Last time, she wanted a full body diagram of a human body. As in naked. As in absolutely fucking not.

“Didn’t Pinkie tell you?” The alicorn asked, completely ignoring the incredibly intelligent nickname I gave her. I sighed and scratched the back of my neck.

“She told me that you needed me, and that it was important.” I said. Yeah, important my ass. She probably wants some of my hairs for ‘experiments’, whatever the hell that means, or for me to tell her stuff about humans and Earth AGAIN, or a tummy rub. Most likely the tummy rub.

Probably the tummy rub.

Definitely the tummy rub.  

“O-Oh, did she now?” Twilight asked nervously. “Yes, um, very important.”

I frowned at that. Okay, so this clearly isn’t important, and she knows it. But…I don’t want to blow her off, or anything. Might as well see what she has in store for me. I mean, how bad could it be?

…I have to stop asking questions like that.

“Alright, let’s get this over with.” I said, crossing the door frame.

If I had to describe Twilight’s castle in one word, it would probably be ‘empty’. No paintings, no tapestries, no rugs, nothing. Just hallways, staircases, and window. You know what, speaking of empty…

“Twilight,” I ventured, “Shouldn’t there be guards in here?”

“Hiring a royal guard has been a bit…” Twilight paused, searching for a word. “…problematic.”

“How so?” I asked, my curiosity rising.

“Well, statistically, disaster on a grand scale is more likely to occur in Ponyville than in Canterlot or the Crystal Empire by about eighty percent.”  

Ahem…NEEEEEERRRRRDDDDDDD.

“Sooo, the guards are too scared to come here?” I summarized. Twilight confirmed it with a nod of the head. You know, I don’t have a hard time believing that. Hell, I’d be too scared if I was a guard. From what I’ve heard, Ponyville has been infested by insects that eat everything, attacked by a bear the size of a house, and worst of all…

…has been stampeded by little baby bunnies. Oh, the horror!

`“You still haven’t told me why I’m here.” I reminded Twilight.

“I’ll tell you on the way.” She replied. It could have just been me, but she sounded a bit ominous. She led me down one of the long hallways of her castle. The emptiness was really getting to me; the only decoration were the windows. You’d think if you were a princess, you’d furnish your freakin’ castle. Might as well ask about it.

“Sparklebutt-“ I began before Twilight cut me off.

“I’d appreciate it if you didn’t call me that.”

“Alright, her royal Princess Twilight Sparkle of Equestria-“

“Hunter!” Twilight exclaimed, stopping in her tracks.

When my inner smart ass comes out, I just can’t keep it at bay. That was a golden opportunity, right there. Twilight sighed and rubbed her temple with a wing before continuing.

“Can you please just call me Twilight?” Sparklebutt implored.

“Well, excuuuse me, princess.” Man, just keep the golden opportunities coming, Twilight. “I give everypony a nickname. It’s kind of my shtick.”

It’s true: Pinkie was Pinks, Fluttershy was Flutters, Rarity was Rares, Rainbow was Skittles (I’m particularly proud of that one), and Applejack was AJ (not so much for that one). I even made ones for the foals I played with a couple days ago: Scooter, Belle, and Applebud. That last one needs some work, but you get the idea. It’s just a thing I do with my friends. Speaking of which, I really need to give one to Maud. Not much to work with there, but I’ll figure it out.

“Well, can you make one that’s less insulting?” Sparklebutt asked. Well…maybe I can make something based on that shitty book series that her name reminds me off…nah, this world doesn’t need anything related to Stephanie Myer. That crap can stay on Earth. I could call her Twi, but AJ already calls her that, so that would just be unoriginal. Then again…AJ’s friends call her AJ. Huh. Add that to the list of nicknames I need to work on. How about…oh, got it!

“What about ‘Sparklez?” I suggested. Yes, with the ‘z’. Adds some pizazz.

“That’s fine.” Twilight said with a shrug, blissfully unaware of the minor trolling going on. Somehow, I get the feeling that she wouldn’t care for a nickname ending with the letter ‘z’.

“So anyway, Sparklez,” I proceed as we walk down the long hallway, “you gonna explain why you asked for me?”

“I was getting to that.” Sparklez snapped. Jeez, aren’t we snippy today. A moment later, she looked up at me apologetically.

“Sorry, that was rude.” She said, sounding sincere enough. “I’m just a little tired, is all. I’ve been working on this transformation spell for the past week, and I haven’t been getting much sleep. Actually, that spell is why you’re here.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve been using the data you’ve been giving me in our sessions to create a new transformation spell.” She explained.

By sessions, she means the interviews we’ve been having bi-weekly since I’ve been here. I basically just sit in her castle with her and tell her about Earth while she takes notes. I have no idea why she needs these notes, though; I’m the first historically recorded human on this planet, so the chances of another one coming through is slim to none, which makes it confusing as to why she needs information on human anatomy and history.

Side note: I maaaaay have skipped over some of human history. As in, the bits that include murder, rape, genocide, and all that stuff. So, basically sixty percent of human history. I mean, I tell her that we’re a warlike people, but I don’t go into detail past giving the gist of why the wars occurred, who was involved, and who won. There’s not much to tell, really. The only history class I ever paid attention in was American History anyway.

I’m going off on a tangent, aren’t I? Let me go ahead and stop myself before we start talking about Poptarts, or something equally random. And delicious. Mmmm…Poptarts…

“What kind of transformation spell?”

“Um…” Twilight said, nervous all of a sudden. “Well, uh, it’s, ah…you’ll see.”

Well, that’s worrisome.

“O….kay…?”

“Great! Oh, we’re here.” Twilight stopped in front of a large crystal door at the end of the hallway. Her horn glowed a faded magenta for a moment, and the door unlocked and swung open. Poking my head in, I got a look at the room...

Well…it’s not as bare boned as the rest of the castle, at least. There’s a couple bookshelves pushed against the walls, a comfortable looking sofa, and a desk with a chair scooted in. Behind the desk, hanging on the walls, were all kinds of charts and diagrams, but what freaked me out a bit was that almost all of them involved humans. All of the notes from our sessions lay strewn on the desk, along with an inkwell and several quills. The most impressive, and creepy, thing in this room is a drawing of a clothed Vitruvian Man in my own image hanging behind the desk.

All in all, Sparklez has a human room. Weird…

“Sparklez…” I said slowly,” Is this a…human room?”

“Oh no, of course not.” The princess said, rolling her eyes at me. “This is my research room.” She gestured to the room with a hoof. “This is where I do research on anything that strikes my fancy, peaks my curiosity, or something unknown that…well, that I’d like to know more about. And right now, human kind is very fascinating to me.”

“And how long have you been researching humans?”

“Since you got here. I’ve been looking at old books from all around Equestria, even the Canterlot Archives, and I haven’t found anything that references humans or interdimensional travel. But I won’t stop looking!” She added hurriedly.

“Thanks Sparklez.” I said sincerely. “I really appreciate that.” Don’t get me wrong, I love being here, but the option of returning home is pretty attractive. But…I have a lot to lose if I go back. I mean, granted, if I don’t go back to Earth, I’ll never see my family, or what’s left of it, my friends, hell, another human being.

On the other hand, I’d never see any friends I’ve made here ever again.

…I’d never see Pinkie again.

Abigbrotherabigbrotherabigbrotherabigbrother…

“Hunter?”

“Hm?” I mumbled. Twilight was looking at me with a concerned expression. “Oh, um, sorry. Just zoned out for a sec, don’t worry about it. So, uh, what are we in here for?”

“I need you to confirm whether or not…well…” Twilight seemed to reconsider telling me the whole plan. “You know what, you’ll see. I want it to be a surprise.” She finished, giving me a big smile. “Just, ah, sit over there while I go over my notes.” The princess pointed a hoof at the sofa near the back of the room. Twilight has absolutely no eye for interior design. I mean, I don’t either, but it doesn’t take a genius to tell that a red couch doesn’t work in a room that’s purple and blue.

…I’m gonna have to blow even more stuff up to make up for that observation.

I walked over and sat on the sofa as Twilight went over her notes. It’s kind of odd…normally, equine furniture doesn’t really work with my body; it always feels uncomfortable. That’s why I got my bed custom made. But this couch seemed to have been made with human proportions in mind. Odd…

“Alright, I think I’ve got it.” Twilight said confidently. “I just need one more thing.” She walks over to me and levitates a petri dish in front of me. “One human hair.”

“Uh…why?” This isn’t the first time she asked for one, and not the first time I’ve given her one, but it’s still a bit strange to me, so I have to ask every time. And every time she gives me a vague answer.

“I’m not ruining the surprise, Hunter.” She said. “Just trust me on this.” You see? Vague.

I paused for a moment before giving a shrug that said, ‘fuck it’, pulled out a hair from my mess of a haircut, and deposited one black hair into the petri dish. Twilight’s horn glowed for a moment, and the hair burst into flames. I pressed my back against the couch in surprise, but Twilight didn’t take notice. She levitated the ashes from the hair and spun them around her horn until they attached to it, forming a thin gray band on her purple horn.

“Why’d you do that?”

“I needed a human’s genetic code.” She answered, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Although, I’ve edited yours a bit so I don’t end up being an exact copy.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked, more confused than ever. Twilight smiles at me, probably finding my slowness amusing at some level.

“Just tell me if this is accurate or not.” She said cryptically. I didn’t have a chance to ask any more questions, as when her horn began to glow, her entire body glowed with blinding white light, taking my breath away in surprise. Then her form started to…shift. Her head got smaller, her limbs extended and became thinner, the top of her body expanded, and…

Suddenly, the light flashed particularly brightly, and my vision was lost momentarily. I rubbed my eyes, and slowly opened them, revealing a pale blob.

“Hunter?” Agh, the blob knows my name! Forgive me blob, I know not what I do! “Hunter, are you alright? Can you see? Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot how bright it gets when I try this.”

I blinked furiously and rubbed my eyes again. This time, my vision was pretty much working, and…

AGH! NOPE! I DON’T WANT TO USE MY EYES ANYMORE!

“Sparklez!” I yelled. “What the hell!” I know I’m breaking two of my rules by both yelling at a pony and cursing at a pony, but in my defense…that’s not a pony.

Twilight turned herself into a human. From what I saw for the five seconds it took for me to smack a hand over my eyes, she’s rather pale, a little shorter than me, and has shoulder length hair. Evidently, she must have altered the DNA she used as a base for the spell, because her hair was a chocolate brown and her eyes were hazel.  That’s all fine and good, but then when you look down…

She’s completely stark naked.

“What?” She said defensively. “Did I get something wrong? Is it the facial structure? Or the teats? It’s the teats, isn’t it?”

Well, she isn’t wrong. Her comment made my cheeks burn as I searched for a way to explain this.

"I thought I was pretty clear on the whole, ‘humans wear clothes’ thing.” Actually, I really wasn’t. I said that humans only remove their clothes when they bathe or when they go to bed. I never mentioned…you know what I didn’t mention.

“Oh, right, sorry!” Twilight said frantically, realizing that she made a giant faux pas. “I, um, actually had Rarity make some clothes for me for when I look like this. I’ll be right back.”

I kept my hand over my eyes until I couldn’t hear the pattering of her feet against the floor anymore.

Actually…this answers a few questions that have been hanging over my head. For one, she didn’t comment on the presence of a…maidenhood, so that implies that ponies do indeed have private parts. And yeah, I know, you’re asking, ‘how could you not have seen one before now, ponies are naked almost all of the time’.

Answer: I have absolutely no idea.

No, seriously, I have no fucking clue. I’ve never seen Big Mac’s big mac, I’ve never seen Pinkie Pie’s pinkie pie-ugh, ack, no, shouldn’t have thought of that. Now there’s barf in my mouth. Ughh, oh my God. Never again.  Ever. Never ever never ever.

Blech…anyway…I don’t know, maybe they hide them with their tails, or something. Well, that can’t be, because when Scooter and her friends shoved their plots in my face, I saw absolutely nothing there! So where the fuck do they keep it?! It has to be in around the same place, or Twilight would have said something. Maybe I just didn’t give her enough time to bring it up. I…I guess I’ll ask about it when she gets back. I’ll be subtle about it though.

I heard the sound of shoes racing against the crystal floor, a sound that I’d only heard from myself before now. I guess Rarity made Twilight shoes, as well.

“I’m back! Are you still there?” Twilight yelled as she got closer and closer to the research room. Before I could answer, she burst through the door and stumbled towards the couch, losing her balance.

Crap crap crap!

My instincts kicked in, and no thoughts entered or exited my mind as I jumped off the couch and attempted to stop Twilight’s fall. Unfortunately, I was expecting her to weigh as much as her pony self…which she didn’t.

“Oof!”

I fell back first onto the hard crystal floor, and a second later, Twilight crashed on top of me.

“Sorry…” she groaned, siting up on top of my hips. “I’m not used to using just two hooves to walk. Er, I mean, feet.”

Meanwhile, I think my face could fry an egg at this point as I looked at her; both because of our rather compromising position, because Twilight was the only human girl I’d seen in a month, and, most of all:

Twilight looked ridiculously cute. Rarity did a good job with the outfit, I’ll tell you that. It totally fit her, both her new body and her personality. She was wearing a purple argyle sweater vest over a white button up collared shirt. The shirt’s top two buttons were undone, but everything important was hidden, if you catch my drift. No?

…Boobs. I’m talking about boobs.

The shirt stuck out a bit at the bottom, and hung slightly over her navy blue skirt. From what I could see from this position, it was supposed to stop at about mid-thigh.

Annnnd I’ve been analyzing her outfit for the past full minute with her still on top of me, haven’t I?

Twilight brushed her hair out of her face as she looked down at me, worry evident in her large hazel eyes.

“Hunter…um, do you have a fever?” She asked innocently. “You’re getting really red…” She placed a pale, dainty hand on my forehead, and retracted it quickly. “And you’re really hot!”

“Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…” I said intelligently. I smacked myself on the cheek, hard, causing Twilight to yelp in surprise and fall backwards, laying on my legs. Well, at least my mind is a bit clearer-

FUCKING DAMMIT!

I made the mistake of shifting my glance from the ceiling to Twilight. Who was laying backwards on my legs. With a skirt on. With her legs splayed to the side. Don’t worry, I’ll give you a second to realize how horrifying this situation has become.

…You got it? Good. Someone can share my suffering. Christ, why did I tell her the differences between male and female underwear? Oh, right. Because she asked.

I made the wise decision of shutting my eyes before anything else wildly inappropriate could happen to me.

“Twilight.” I said as calmly as I could. “’Would you kindly roll off of my so I could stand up?”

“Oh, um, right.” Twilight said, embarrassed by her lack of tact. Dear God, I hope she doesn’t realize what she just showed me. Ughhhhh, now I don’t know how to feel. On one hand, female woman. On the other hand, I happen to know that it’s Twilight, a purple pony princess.

Decision: Forget I ever saw that. Don’t file it away, don’t recall it later, it didn’t happen. What didn’t happen? It. What’s it? Exactly.

As soon as I felt myself becoming relieved of Twilight’s weight, I stood up, rubbing the back of my head out of pain from the impact with the ground. I finally opened my eyes, praying that I wouldn’t see anything compromising. Thankfully, all I saw was Twilight struggling to stand up. Once she finally got up, she started wobbling on her legs, and wind milled her arms in an attempt to regain balance.

“Woah woah woah!” She yelped in a panic. I quickly rushed to her side, but before I could try to help her, she grabbed onto shoulders and slumped into my chest. I stumbled backwards a bit, but managed to maintain my balance.

“Um S-Sparklez?” I said cautiously. Her arms shook as she pushed herself up into a fully standing position. “You alright?”

“Yeah, I think so.” Twilight said, then chuckled nervously. “Sorry about all of that. These legs are really hard to get the hang of.”

We looked at each other in silence for a moment before I realized that she was still holding onto my shoulders.

“Well…” I said, returning the nervous laughter as I held her hands in mine, took them off of my shoulders, and held them between us. “Let’s get you sitting before we do anything else. Otherwise, one of us is gonna end up with a cracked skull.” She looked at me with confusion.

“From the, uh, the floor.” I added. She nodded in understanding.

“Do you, ah…” I said slowly. “Do you need help getting to the couch?”

“Yes, thank you Hunter.” Twilight said, sighing in relief that she didn’t have to walk to it on her own. I stood at her right side and placed one of her hands on my right shoulder.

I held her on the waist with my left hand, effectively having her lean onto me for balance. It took a little time, and it was embarrassing for both of us, me for the closeness and her for the need to be walked, but we eventually made it to the red couch that completely broke the composition of the room.

…The hell is the matter with me today? Make that three counts of demolition to regain masculinity.

I helped her sit down, then sat down on the far end of the couch as far as I could from Twilight.

“So…” Twilight said, twiddling her thumbs. “Is it accurate?”

“Hm?” I mumbled before I remembered what she meant by that. “Oh, right, well…from what I saw, everything’s, ah…in order.”

“Really!?” Twilight said, brightening up at my opinion. “Phew, that’s a relief! I-I thought that the results may have been altered to heavily from the DNA I tampered with, but I’m so glad that they weren’t! Oh, and what about the clothes? Rarity asked me to ask you.”

“They’re pretty...” I trailed off. “Er, normal! Pretty normal. Yep.” Smooth. Reaaaaaal smooth. “So, ah…is there anything…I don’t know, different about you?”

I swear to god, the look Twilight gave me was more flat than anything Maud could ever hope to match.

“No, really?” She asked with sarcastic deadpan. “I didn’t notice.”

“No, ugh.” I lightly face palmed, thinking about how to phrase this. I need to confirm this. “Besides the hands, fingers, feet, toes, and, ah…teats…is there anything COMPLETELY new to your body?”

“Well…” Twilight thought for a moment, her fist under her chin, her elbow on her knee, and her brows furrowed. “I don’t think so. Why?”

“Nothing!” I said quickly and loudly. Oh, thank God. I really, really don’t want to have to explain to her what the folds between her legs are. I think I would die. Like, actually, physically die if I had to explain vaginas to a purple pony princess.

…I don’t think that thought has ever crossed anybody’s mind in the history of ever. I'm making really weird history here.

“Is that all?” I asked, extremely hopeful that I could get out of here. I need a cold shower as soon as possible.

“Actually, I had one more room to show you before you left.” Twilight said. She started to get up from the couch, but immediately began to wobble on her unsure feet. I jumped up from the couch and she latched onto my shoulder, slumping into my side.

“Eh heh…sorry.” Twilight said, flushed with embarrassment. I just rolled my eyes. You’d think with all the time she’s had working on this spell, she would have learned how to walk with the body.

“How about I help you walk, and you led me to the room.” I suggested.

“That’s probably for the best.” Twilight said. My hand returned to her hips, and we both walked out of the research room and into the hallway. The empty, empty hallw-

“Sparklez, where are all of the furnishings?” I asked sharply. This is starting to bug me.

“Huh?”

“No banners, no chandeliers, not a single potted plant. You live in a castle, Twilight. You can’t just leave it bare boned like this.”

Twilight was oddly quiet for a moment. Did I say something wrong?

“Er, Sparklez?”

Twilight shook her head and blinked rapidly before looking up at me. “Sorry, um…” She looked around a bit before continuing. “Heh…it is pretty empty, isn’t it? I-I guess I just haven’t had any time. You know, what with all the research to be done and my princess duties on top of that.”

My gaze softened at those words. Poor girl was overworked. But…

“Twilight.” I said, using her real name for the sake of seriousness. “You really don’t have to do all of this research.” She opened her mouth to interrupt, but I cut her off.

“Seriously. In all likelihood, I’m the only real human who will ever come to Equestria. Think about it: No one has ever come here before. The chances of another one showing up within the eon is so small that it’s negligible. And be honest with me, what are the chances of me going back to Earth looking like?”

Twilight was quiet for a moment.

“W-Well,” she said timidly. “I’ve looked through the archives of most of the libraries in Equestria, and nothing has come up…b-but I’m sure that-“

“Twilight.”

“I mean, there’s always the possibility that-“

“Twilight!”

She looked down dejectedly. It’s all I needed to see to know her answer. I let out a sigh of acceptance that’s been locked inside of me for the past month and a half.

Really, I’m not missing all that much. I don’t care about the internet, or toasters, or video games. Material things aren’t important in this matter. People are. But the friends that I did have on Earth had been becoming distant anyway, and it’s not like my family wanted to see me after…what had happened.

The only family that I would be missing is long gone, anyway.

“Chin up, Sparklez.” I said softly, slightly squeezing her hip to get her attention. And for no other ulterior motive. Shut it. “It’s okay. Really, it is.”

“No it’s not.” She said sharply, looking up at me with wet eyes. “I-It’s not at all! I’m s-sorry Hunter, I-I’ll keep l-looking, I swear-“

I stopped walking and reached over with my right hand, cupping her right cheek in my hand. My thumb brushed up against her smooth skin, wiping a tear away.

“Don’t. Really, don’t.” I said, smiling at her. “I’ve got nothing waiting for me there. Trust me, just don’t bother searching anymore. Go buy some furniture. Or a rug. Heck, if you get some flowers to spruce the place up I’ll be happy, just do something with the place.”

Twilight chuckled at my nonchalance, which turned into full on laughter. It was so infectious that I came down with the case of the giggles as well. Nothing lightens the mood better than insulting someone’s home! Try it sometime, it’ll work! Its Hunter approved!

We calmed down eventually, and Twilight wiped her eyes of her tears. No longer ones of failure and sadness, but ones of mirth.

“Are you sure about this?” She asked warily.

My thoughts went to my home on Earth. The town I grew up in. The church I attended every Sunday.

The cemetery behind the church.

The gravestone with my last name etched into it.

…Then they went to Pinkie Pie.

“I’m sure.” I said finally. Me and Twilight exchanged smiles for a moment before I looked up at the door I stopped at. “Is this it?”

“Yes, it-“Twilight stopped in the middle of her sentence, her pupils dilating. “Um, you know what, forget it. I think we’re done here. Let’s just go back to the research room, I’ll change back, and we can call it a day, alright?”

My eyes narrowed. What was she trying to hide?

“Sparklez, what’s in this room?” I asked slowly.

“NOTHING!” She yelled. “Erm, absolutely nothing!”

I backed up from the room slowly, turning around and guiding Twilight back to the research room. ]

“I guess you’re right. We don’t need to go in there right now.” I said, shaking my head. Twilight let out a sigh of relief.

“Oh, good, there was nothing in there any w-“

“Oooooor we can go in any way!” I shouted with exuberance. I bent down and picked up Twilight bridal-style, eliciting a squeak from her. I turned on my heel and bolted for the mysterious room.

“Hunter, don’t! Please!”

“Oh, come on Sparklez.” I said as I kicked the door in. “How bad could…it…be…”

The room was painted a light beige. Pressed against the wall was a wooden table with several bottle of various oils and lotions, as well as several towels. And in the center of the room…

…Was a massage table.

Silence reigned for a solid minute.

“…I don’t suppose you could give me a-“Twilight started.

“What’s going to happen now,” I said slowly and evenly. “Is that I’m going to put you down,” I did just that, “I’m going to turn around,” I did just that, “And I’m going to run back home and never mention this to anypony.”

Oh, you better believe I did just that.

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