It was the 24th of Decembmare. That horrible day...I still remember it like it was yesterday. Which is weird, because it’s actually today. Ahem, anyway, I remember that day well. The bullets flew through the air with abandon. The bombs fell down upon us, showering us with their malevolent grace. The streets ran with the blood of innocents, a sign of the blight that had torn apart our fair town…

And by bullets, I mean snowballs.

And by bombs, I mean snowflakes.

And by blood, I mean...snow.

Note to self: think of metaphors for things that aren't related to snow.

The Crusaders and I were huddled behind our pathetic little snow fort, quivering from both the cold and the knowledge of what we were facing in this battle of slush:

Pinkie Pie.

The name alone inspires fear in my troops. And why wouldn’t it? She’s unmatched on the field of battle...well, for snow battles, anyway. Although, now that I think about it, I don’t think I’d be too keen on facing her in any kind of ‘battle’, considering her ill regard of predictability and logic.

I take a quick glance over our fortifications to scope out her own fort. It’s a monstrosity; standing at no less than five meters high, topped with battlemats where the party pony was currently manning the mortars- shit!

I quickly ducked, narrowly dodging a volley of snow-tar bombs. You know, like mortar bombs, but with-shut up, it’s clever.

Turning back to my shivering troops, I prepare to give them a quick pep talk.

“Alright, men-” I begin.

“We’re fillies!” Belle corrects indignantly, her voice cracking. My hand becomes acquainted with my face as I groan in minor irritation. Can’t go five minutes fantasizing about being in a war zone without one of these kids slapping me in the face with reality. Well...as close to reality as this place gets.

“Okay then.” I say. “Fillies. We’re facing heavy fire from our north side-”

“South.” Applebud piped up, holding up a compass.

“Does it really matter which...wait a minute...where did you get that compass?” I ask, pointing at the device resting on her hoof.

The farmpony glanced at the compass, and then back to me.

“Found it.” She said innocently.

I opened my mouth to reply, but was interrupted by the sound of explosions.

“Hit the deck!” I yelled, doing just that as the fillies followed suit. On top of me. Ow...fuckin’ hooves…

Just then, large spheres of snow ripped through the top of our fortifications, flying just above us.

“Belle, repair that wall!” I shouted. “Applebud, make more snowballs! Scooter, help me send returning fire! And for future reference, I am not the deck!”

The girls looked sheepish for a moment before going to their duties. I reached for a snowball, but paused when I heard a door being opened. I looked to my left to see that Maud was standing on the balcony of Sugarcube Corner, looking down at us, her positioning between Fort Pie and Fort Knox. Yes, I called it Fort Knox...which is kind of ironic, seeing how penetrable we are. To be fair, we only had one pair of hands to build the fort, and Pinkie had...Pinkie.

“Could you guys keep it down?” Maud asked flatly. “I’m writing poetry.”

“Maud!” I called up, a smile on my face from her appearance. “You’re just in time to enlist in my army! Join me, and together we’ll defeat the Pink Menace!”

“That’s me!” Pinkie yelped happily, poking her head through her fort wall.

“I think I’ll pass.” Maud said. “Just battle quietly.”

“Can do!” Pinkie said, standing up on the battlements of Fort Pie. She reached behind her pulled out dual snow-tanas from what I can only assume was the hammerspace. Leaping down from the fort wall, she brandished the blades and let out her war cry.

“Kyaaaaaaaaaahh.” She practically whispered, respecting Maud’s wishes. Landing on our puny wall, she pointed one of her snow-tanas in my direction. After quickly checking the balcony to see that Maud had gone back inside, she set her sights on me.

“You guys give up?” Pinkie asked with exuberance. I stood up from my crouched position, threw my shoulders back, and put my hands on my hips.

“NEVAHHH!” I declared triumphantly, then pointed at her. “Fire!” The Crusaders rose from their hidden positions and threw a barrage of snowballs at the target.

Pinkie didn’t even blink. She just dawned a playful smirk and spun her twin snow-tanas in her hooves, slicing through every snowball thrown at her. I quickly flanked her as she was distracted, formed a quick snowball, and flung it at the back of her head. Pinkie spun around and held her right snow-tana in front of her face, slicing the snowball in two, the halves flying past her shoulders and hitting both Applebud and Belle in the face. Pinkie pointed the snow-tana right in front of my nose, smiling knowingly.

“Do I win?” She asked excitedly.

“Not even close.” I responded with confidence. “Scooter, now!” I yelled to my final standing comrade. The filly grinned and reached behind the back of our fort, pulling out our final trick.

“It can’t be!” Pinkie gasped.

“Oh it is.” I said, bending my knees and getting ready to bolt. “The snow-zooka! Scooter, light her up!”

The orange pegasus obeyed her righteous commanding officer, slamming her hoof down on the ridiculously over-sized button on top of the weapon of snowy might. An enormous snowball erupted from the barrel of the tool of destruction, soaring at ludicrous speeds and as straight as an arrow. I quickly flung myself backwards, out of the path of flight.

I was surprised when I felt Pinkie wrap her hoof around my leg and pull me back into her for a hug. Oh my God! She won’t let herself loose! She’s going for the suicide hug maneuver! Pinkie, you magnificent bastard!

“NOOOOOOO!” I yelled out, my impending doom coming closer and closer until my vision became a world of white and pink.

Digging myself out of the gargantuan snowball, I laid down on the snowy ground, catching my breath. Pinkie soon followed, jumping out of the snowball and landing right next to me. I looked to the side at her, and she did the same to me. Our eyes met for a moment before we burst out laughing.

“I-I,” Pinkie said though her infectious giggling as we both got up off the ground. “I g-guess it’s a t-tie.” I just smiled evilly and pointed behind her. Confused, she looked to where my hand was directing her attention before her eyes widened in shock.

Scooter was on Fort Pie, planting a Cutie Mark Crusaders flag on top of the battlements. She hopped up and down on the walls, yelping in excitement as Applebud and Belle cheered her on.

Pinkie fell to her knees and raised her fore hooves into the air.

“Nooooooooooo!” She squealed in mock-despair before bursting into chuckles once more.

“Good game, General Pinks.” I said, extending a hand to her. She smiled up at me and took my hand, shaking it firmly.

“Good game indeedily, General Hunty.” She replied.

“Ahem!”

The sound of a mare clearing her throat grabbed both of our attentions, and we turned around to see the Mayor of Ponyville looking at us sternly. She simply pointed a hoof to the right, and we turned to see that our battle had quite a bit of collateral damage. Many buildings were half buried in snow, and several half buried citizens were glaring at us.

“Eh heh, eh heh heh, heeh….” I laughed nervously. “Um, you see, we were, ah…”

“The, um, buildings were thirsty!” Pinkie said. “So we fed them snow!”

I raised a single eyebrow and gave Pinkie the biggest, ‘Are you shitting me?’ look I’d ever given. Looking back at the Mayor, she was wearing an identical expression.

Without saying a word, Mayor Mare threw a snow shovel into my hands, another into Pinkie’s mouth, and trotted off.

Me and Pinkie exchanged a look, shrugged, and starting flinging snow at each other with our new found weaponry, much to the disdain of the snow ridden denizens of Ponyville.

Eh, they can wait. I have a war to win.

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