Chapter 5 Alt Title: I JUST HAD SEX~ AND IT FELT SO GOOD~~

I woke up first after our...activities... last night. It was dawn, 6:00 a.m. ish. And really, I didn't care for being awake... well maybe a little. After all, it let me see Eris sprawled across my chest, snuggling me like a pillow. Gods, I did not want to wake her up, but she did anyway.

She nuzzled against me as she curled up a bit more on the bed, “That was amazing…” She sighed before letting out a small yawn.

“You were amazing, love…”

She was, she really, honestly was... I think the both of us were virgins up until last night, really. Well, I knew I was, at least.

'I get the feeling that Discord's gonna try to kill me for this... Doesn't matter, had sex!

She simply smiled before sitting up to stretch. “Yes… A night of wonderful pleasure and a day ahead of us filled with wonderful adventure… And I have you to thank for it.”

'Eyup... hate to use the meme... but do she got the booty? She do! I think I hate myself a little now.'

“Well, I suppose you do… now then, I think it’s time for a bit of actual adventuring, eh? What d’ya think, love?”

Yeah... questing sounds great, actually! Though...

“Actually, I don’t really think we can go many places without being given a quest first… I guess we better start exploring the town then… I don’t like talking to people much…”

“Then let’s go so this town can have the heroes they want.”

Ahh... my cute little friend has become my sexy, though still sorta little, girlfriend... and it's awesome.

“Allons-y!”

After a quick, but filling, breakfast

“Well… who so you wanna talk to first, love?”

“How about that guard-looking guy over there? He’s got a dragon symbol above his head!” Eris pointed in a vaguely eastward direction.

I looked over and indeed there was a dragon symbol, a red one containing the visage of a snarling dragon head in a circle, to be exact.

Eris walked up to the guard and smiled. “Is there anything that two amazing adventurers could help out with?”

“Ah severely doubt tha’, lass. For y’see, thar be a bit o’ a dragon problem in these here parts. My advise’d be t’ stay inside wiv’ yer fam’ly while th’ town guards handle it.”

'Holy shit! He sounds like Hagrid!'

She looked over, “You know… I think I want to go questing for the Crimson rod of Dragon Mastery… So we can deal with the dragons.”

“That actually sounds great. Hold on a mo’, need to do something real quick.”

I walked over to the (sorta, he didn't know better, after all) sexist guard.

“No Lollygaggin’.”

'Oh... oh I can work with this'

“...Y’know what, forget it. I was gonna do something funny, but I guess not.”

'Wait for it...'

“FUS RO DAH!”

“AAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa………….” And the guard went flying.

'Hahahaaaaa! Totally worth it!

“Why did you even do that!?” Eris asked as she gave me an incredulous look.

“Don’t worry, he’ll respawn. Look, there he is!”

And sure enough, there he was... just like every last useless NPC I'd ever seen

“I said ‘No Lollygaggin’!” Eris rolled her eyes.

“NPCs, what’re ya gonna do?”

And thus, I led Eris away, ready for a day full of exciting adventure!

Or at least, I would have, had a dragon not attacked that instant.

“YOL TOOR SHUL”

“Oh come on! That’s a Skyrim thing!”

I knew I was being a hypocrite, but I just felt like shouting something.

“Shut up and attack the dragon already!” Eris screamed, already hurling spell after spell at the largely unconcerned hunk of flying, reptilian, fire-breathing death. She grumbled to herself as she began to cast a spell that would, hopefully, bring the dragon to the ground.

“Stand back, love, this might get a bit...messy,” I gently pushed Eris out of the way, preparing an attack that, hopefully, would end the battle in one move.

'Thank you, Simon for this idea. And Kamina too.'

“Here’s a little thing I learned from another Universe! Kurare! Kisatsu! Giga! Doriru! BREAKEEEEEERRRRR!” Launching from my spot on the ground, I made a massive shadow drill and rammed the dragon as hard as physically possible.

And did jack fucking shit. I could only stare a moment before getting slammed into a crater about a hundred or so feet down.

Shit hurt, bro.

“Augh! Shit that hurts!”

And then I read the stats on the dragon. Then showed them to Eris.

“You are such an idiot sometimes…”

“Oh...Shit…We’re gonna need to go all out for this one...”

'I can't even remember the last time I went all out...'

Eris gave me another look. “Ya think?” She snarked before using her staff to launch another fireball at the dragon.

'Snarky... but cute'

“Fuck… Not used to going all out… Fine. Oh please, please let this do something!”

I honestly didn't care that I sounded desperate at the moment, but I was actually almost panicking... before realizing that I actually had more magic than I thought before.

“Shadow… SCALPEL!”

With an unearthly wail of deafening silence, a beam of pure shadow rent the air between me and the dragon, striking it in the chest, doing seemingly nothing… until the beast began wailing in agony, shadow blades poking from various orifices, natural and otherwise.

'Tsss... yup. Surgery practice. Precise and painful as all hell.'

“...Oh you’ve gotta be shitting me…”

'Well... given that wasn't all out...'

“Well… Just deal with it…” Eris said as she dashed toward some large rocks for cover, “Focus on the dragon, not your damage, and we’ll get through this just fine…”

'Can't argue with that'

“Right. Well… I’ll cover you while you do your spell. Shadowscreen!” I took the opportunity to blind the dragon, creating a large box of shadow to contain the raging beast.

“C’mon! That’s not going to keep it still for too long!”

And it really didn't... well... it did last long enough, and that's what counts, right?

Eris’ eyes started glowing as she let another spell loose, electricity arcing from her hand up to the dragon with a cacophony of sound.

'Nice'

“Needle Forest.”

'Feel the unending shanks, bitch'

Bursting forth from the ground, my attack immediately impaled the dragon with a metric fuck-ton of hair-thin needles made of shadow, effectively immobilizing it and pinning it to the ground.

'And now...'

“Select Needles. Group. Rotate 90 degrees. Initialize.”

With a sound not unlike that of a blade sliding through flesh, the forest rotated around its central axis, tearing through the dragon, causing even more roars of agony

'Awwww yeaaaaahhhhh'

Eris used the rock to mud spell in order to sink the dragon into the ground, and then unleashed the transmute mud to rock spell to trap its arms and legs in place.

'Now that's useful'

The dragon immediately began to struggle, attacking everything around it with all of it’s available weapons.

“FO KRAH DIIN!”

Utilizing it’s thu’um once again, the Dragon tried to freeze the area around it, specifically its bonds.

“Hmm… its ice attacks are much more powerful than its fire… not surprising, it is a Frost Dragon.”

'No time to think! Time to kill a bitch!'

Immediately Eris let loose a Wall Of Fire spell underneath the dragon to engulf it in flames.

“Subspace Pocket: Open. Withdraw Artifact: Arondight: The Unfading Light of the Lake.”

'Thank you Type Moon Cluster, your contributions will be rewarded'

Withdrawing an immensely beautiful English Longsword from my pocket, I grabbed it, now more confident in my abilities to slay the dragon. Y'know... since Arondight does extra damage to dragons...

“Shadow Launcher Initialize. Cartridge Load. Launch: Arondight. Triple Spin Accel.”

'Chew on this, asshole'

Breaking the sound barrier and hitting Mach 3, the Magical Sword slammed into the unruly reptile, parting flesh like butter and impaling it with the full force of the second most popular hero of Arthurian Legend.

The Dragon locked up, still in the throes of immense, enraged agony, but now unable to move until the Stun Lock wore off.

“Heh… almost forgot about my trusty pockets… Withdraw! Shining Sword of the Lake! The Sword of Promised Victory! Withdraw! EXCALIBUR!”

'Fuck YEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!'

Eris took a deep breath as she readied another spell. “You know… sometimes I really hate our luck…”

“Hmph… Me too…” Hefting the brightly glowing, golden, majestic, unearthly, HOLY blade, I smirked before dashing at the dragon, still in Stun Lock, and striking out, cutting through the dragon just as easily as I had with Arondight. Once the blade penetrated, I released it’s majestic power. Would have been a shame not to

“EX-CALIBAAAAAAAAA!”

And with a burst of radiance that blinded nearly everyone in the vicinity, a massive beam of HOLY Light burst through the Dragon, simultaneously inflicting massive wounds and breaking it out of Stun Lock.

“Oh… Balls.” I muttered before I was slapped aside by the now incredibly pissed off dragon, the beast itself being shrouded in an energy cloak made of darkness, frost, and the nightmares of children everywhere.

“...Double balls…Ow, my spleen…” I whimpered a little, having broken at least two of my ribs and torn open a dozen lacerations from both the impact and the resulting thirty foot skid.

'Thank you Subspace Pocket'

“Withdraw: Health Potion.”

“Much better. Eris! Catch! Withdraw: Mana Potion!”

Tossing the potion over, I turned back to the dragon charging directly at us. Time to impact: T-minus 10 seconds.

Eris quickly downed the potion and let loose another chain lightning spell at the dragon to throw it off course.

“VEN GAAR NOS!”

The cyclone generated by the dragon’s shout head directly towards us, tearing up everything in its path. Panicking a bit, I leapt forward with a cry of

“Dark Fortress!”

Immediately, a massive, black, medieval themed wall sprang from the ground, blocking the cyclone’s advance, though it still began to grind through.

“C’mon...c’mon… don’t fail me now…”

The cyclone continued it’s pace, the dragon content to just sit and wait for the blockade to fall. A foot… two feet… five… and about an inch from breaking through, the cyclone dissipated, vanishing back into the air that made it.

“Oh thank god. Now… allow me to reply in turn. Eris! Set up the biggest wind spell you can… I got a plan!”

I slipped out three objects from my Pocket: A sword and two amulets, one tentatively shaped like an eye, the other like a five point star. Slamming all three together, I waited for Eris to begin her spell.

With a quick flourish of her hands, Eris let loose a Cloudkill spell, bringing in a fog to weaken the dragon.

“Heh, thanks love. Sword of the Storms! Star Hanabi! Eye of Dashi! Fire-Lightning-Tornado!”

True to name, a massive, flaming cyclone crackling with pent up lightning blasted its way towards the dragon, which, due to the Madness Enhancement, proceeded to just tank through it, disregarding any and all damage that it took.

“Now we’re getting somewhere!”

“Yeah! After like… Forever!” Eris replied as she cast a spell on me.

“Let’s not curse a good thing, love.” Rushing forward to meet the once again charging dragon, I proceeded to draw another sword, this one utterly incomprehensible, unable to be understood by anyone without true Understanding.

“EA: SWORD OF RUPTURE!”

I leapt, carried high into the air by my cloak, the dragon following and trying to tear me a structurally superfluous new behind with its gnashing maw.

“Need a bit of height to keep the casualties down… Che. GAZE UPON THE GOLDEN SPLENDOR OF EA, YOU WORTHLESS WORM! LOOK UPON ME AND BE THANKFUL THAT I HAVE ALLOWED THEE TO GAZE UPON MY FORM! NOW… KNOW TRUEST DESPAIR AND COWER BENEATH THE MIGHT OF… ENUMA ELISH!”

Following my Ham-tastic speech, a massive rent of purest TRUTH split its way across the sky, impacting the dragon and carrying it down into the unforgiving earth below. Impacting the ground, the dragon made one last attempt at a roar, choked off from the pressure and the impact. The attack lasted for another minute, blasting the beast into a massive crater of disintegrating reptilian flesh.

Basically, I killed it via impact and disintegration.

“Huh… glad...that’s...over… huh… kinda...sleepy now…”

Then I passed out like a bitch, the last thing I registered being Eris catching me when I fell...

End Chapter 5