Chapter 4 Alt Title: We're Up All Night to Get Lucky!

Y'know... maybe I shouldn't have touched that Book...

Why? Well...

Let’s just say that an unending horde of draugr, liches, zombies, revenants, Tanks, Boomers, and various other undead had been chasing me and Eris for the past seventeen miles… and they showed no sign of stopping anytime soon. Plus, Eris was running dry at that point, and so was I. There were a metric fuck ton of undead left to kill.

“Shit shit shit! Why the hell did this even happen to us!?” Eris screamed, sprinting away from the faster undead, dodging the ones thrown by the Tanks and Gargantuars frantically as she tried to spot any means of escape in the barren wasteland of Hell’s Desert. “I told you that you shouldn’t have touched the damn Necronomicon! It was down there for a reason! And you know that I hate the undead!”

She's got a point, y'know.

Shut Up, you!

“Shut up and run! We might not be able to die fully, but I doubt you want to be eaten alive!”

Six hours earlier…

So, we'd just finished breakfast and made it to Fiore when out of nowhere, this creepy looking guy pops out of nowhere.

“Greetings travelers! I welcome you to the town of Fiore! Now, word on the grapevine is that you are some very skilled adventurers, we really need some at the moment; so if I could have a moment of your time to detail our situation?”

I nearly killed him right there, but... I'm trying to not do that in front of Eris so much. I hate creepy looking people... The Merchant ruined them for me... and so did paranoia.

“But… We just got here… This is actually the first town we came to, how would you know if we were skilled or not?”

WHY AM I ALWAYS STRUCK BY HOW GODDAMN CUTE ERIS IS!?

Well, explanation time.

“Remember that time I showed you World of Warcraft? It doesn’t matter if we just got here, the world operates on RPG mechanics, just talk to people with stars and other stuff above their heads for quests. But, that’s not important right now, lead the way, sir.”

Huh. Nice House. Oh. Look. An entirely unremarkable looking person.

“My name is Sven Ericsson. My father is an archeologist down in Hell’s Desert. I, being a humble Merchant’s Apprentice, was unfit to follow him. If I had, perhaps he would not have disappeared three days ago. I’m willing to pay a large sum of money if it means getting my father back… please, will you help?”

Sven continued, “Oh thank you, thank you! Here, take this map. It will aid you on your quest. My father’s dig-site is located on here, go there first to look for clues! And good luck!” And he left.

Guess... he had things to do?

“Well… We had better get ready to go to Hell then… We have quite a bit of packing to do…”

Silly Eris, you'd need to pack if I weren't here, but I'm here so you don't.

“Not really, remember? I have a nifty little trick called a bottomless subspace pocket, Eris… everything is packed already…”

“So… We’re just going to Hell… It’s not like we’re going on some sort of all-important quest that has lives hanging in the balance or something… Maybe that guy we’re rescuing needs something to help him and I would like to make sure we have plenty of water in an easy-to-reach spot.”

“Bottomless. Pocket. Full of everything. Including my own personalized Universe. I think I have all the water we may need. I even have goddamn Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann in here. The thing that’s bigger than a galaxy.”

I am inordinately proud of my collection.

“...Tengen-whatnow?”

Oh yeah, I never showed her that series... or Universe.

“...you had to be there…”

Awkward.

“...A-anyways, let’s go… we should probably get there as fast as we can… though… I do wonder why Hell’s Desert is shown as only a few miles away…”

I love the way my cloak billows... I feel like a less greasy Snape.

“So… How many other planes of reality did you visit?”

“Gods, must have been billions… I recall one time I had to fix an entire Branch of the Multiverse… the Branch was shaped like a really big tree, as I recall… it took a hell of a long time…Besides, it’s just a name… I think… I don’t really think it’s part of Hell, it’s probably just the heat and stuff…”

Probably. Maybe.

“Nice… Any ones that were your particular favorite? I know I got to see that ‘Your Human And You’ branch of the Equestrian Multiverse… It was an interesting idea, if you didn’t mind the fact that ponies were actually quite cruel to humans even if they weren’t trying to be.”

Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrr. I hated that one... felt so wrong. Shiver. Shiver.

“Ugh… I… don’t really like that Universe… something about it just felt wrong when I was there, even if the coding was completely fine…”

Three hours later…

I was right; it was just really fucking hot, nothing special... except that really twisty set of ruins buried in the sands that we went into...

“Hey Eris?”

“Yes Umbra?”

“I think we got lost…”

“What makes you say that?”

“The map isn’t working, the walls have been shifting to cover our trail, I can’t sense the entrance, and I don’t remember how many turns we took… hey… what’s that glow?”

HOLY SHIT! A NECRONOMICON! I NEED TO ADD THIS TO MY SHOP!

“Hey, a necronomicon! Been a while since I could restock on one a’ these!... oh, and I think that’s Sven’s dad. Welp, into my pocket he goes. Now… let’s see about this book…”

“No! Don’t take tha-... Uh oh…”

Oh shit. Not again.

“...I get the feeling I may have made a terrible mistake… uhp, yeah… Welp, time to go!”

Fuck! Why is it always undead!?

“Shitshitshitshitshitshitshit!!!!! Shadow burst! Shadow Pierce! Dark sweep!... uh… Getsuga Tenshou!”

What sucks is the fact that the desert is really small, and directly borders Lich/Draugr country... also known as a Tamriel rip-off. So... the Arctic Circle. And we woke up more undead while there.

Back in the present…

Have I ever mentioned how much I love that Eris can cast Fireballs?

“Fuck! Why the hell are there Running Zombies!? Shadow Steal, Army Kill Mode! Quick! Into that cave up there! We have just enough of a lead to make it!”

This cloak is awesome! I can fly with it! Oh, and stealing shadows gives me my mana back. That's cool too.

“Okay, we should be safe… for now… most of the horde is gone already, so we should be able to pick ‘em all off once our mana is back… fuck… I hate being tired…”

“You may hate being tired… but at least it gives you a bit more of a thrill when you feel like there’s a chance of losing, so that victory is that much better. C’mon… I’ll make us something to eat…”

Thank gods... Eris makes the best food when I actually decide to eat her cooking instead of just bringing out my stasis-food.

“Uugh… yeah… here’s the food pack… and the camp stove… hold on, lemme drill a chimney first…”

And now I'm out for the next three hours.

Eris begins making some fish fillets, they actually smelled pretty good, especially with a little bit of seasoning. Leave it to Eris to devote herself to making a tasty meal even with the threat of death.

“Uuuuurrrgghhhhhhhhey! That smells awesome!”

Yeah. Give me some of that and I'll be juuuussst fine.

“That’s because it is awesome, despite Mom wanting Dad and I to live with less meat in our diets she still lets us have fish from time to time and Dad taught me some of his favorite recipes.”

“...remind me to thank your father the next time I see him… Jeez, your father taught you really well… I’m almost jealous now… I can’t exactly cook too well…”

Long story short: Negative temperature and flash-boiling a star into nothingness. I don't know how either.

“I’m sure you can cook just fine, when we’re done with this quest I’ll have you make dinner for me and we can see.”

“...Bad idea… I’ve literally created new states of matter when I try to cook… it has never gotten any better than poptarts in a toaster… I shit you not. Though… I think it’s mostly because I over kill it with my Admin powers…”

“Then try not using your Admin powers, use the tools instead of your powers, like I do… A perfect meal is made with love, not magic. Just ask King Neptune.”

Why did I ever let her watch Spongebob!?

“I should never have let you watch that show…”

“Still… You could do with some lessons anyway, and lucky for you, I’m one of the few people from Ponyville who aren’t averse to eating meat.”

“Thank gods for that… well, I’m just about done… everything seems to be back at a hundred percent… although…”

OF ALL THE FUCKING TIMES!

“... I hate having the other half of a digestive system… Oh gods why? Let’s pretend this never happened and get back to Fiore, eh?”

“Sure… Although, it should’ve taken a bit longer to go through your digestive tract so that we didn’t have to find out about it on-camera.”

“I think it was from this morning… and because one of the author’s is a troll…”

‘Dammit Jsyrin, not cool!’

“Oh well… At least we can go back to town and act like this desert didn’t happen.”

Thank gods for that.

Later…

“Huh… that was quick…”

Hey look! Italicized text! Up there! Right above my dialogue!

“Well, at least now we can pretend that never happened… let’s get this guy back to his son, yeah?”

I'll never admit it, but this guy is heavy like a sack of potatoes... really big potatoes.

“I really think we should wake him up or something. that way he can carry his own weight.”

“...”

Hey! There's my Pepper-Up potion stock!

“Gah! Buh, Wha!? Where am I!?”

“Relax, Mr. Leifson, your son sent us to get you. You’re back in Fiore… good thing too, you almost fell prey to a Necronomicon… nasty works they are…”

I don't know why I sell those damn things sometimes... Oh yeah, it's funny to watch people screw themselves over.

“Yep, so… basically, Not dead is where you are, and you should appreciate that… your son wouldn’t have liked to know that his father was dead.”

“Oh… alright… I’ll be on my way then, yes…”

“Right… let’s go find Sven…”

“Alright.”

Huh... I can't believe I never noticed how pretty this town is...

“You see him yet? I want to make sure the kid has his dad back.”

“Hmm? Oh yeah, he’s over there, in that market stall. Looks like he’s selling fruit or something…”

“Here, payment for bringing my father, I hope it serves you well.”

*Insert that one sound byte from Legend of Zelda, you know the one*

“Surprisingly small for five thousand… but as long as the cash is there.”

“Bags of Holding are really easy to make here I guess…”

They are, I checked.

“Welp, let’s go enjoy ourselves on the town tonight.”

“...Alright then. Where to?”

“Maybe… a nice restaurant for dinner?”

“Anything for you, love.”

Yes, I did just say that.

“So, anything in particular you’re interested in for dinner?”

“Saw a nice looking restaurant a few streets back, don’t know what they serve… but it should be interesting enough…”

“Then let’s go find it!”

Later…

Well... dinner was great, but I think I preferred the company of Eris a lot better... yeah.

“Hey Eris?”

“Yeah…?”

“There’s an inn just up ahead… do we get a single bed or a two bed?”

“Well… We should get a double… unless you want to just share the space of a single…”

“I guess… but you’re really fun to cuddle…”

BLUSH LIKE A TEENAGER

Main Street Inn, eh? Not the most imaginative name out there

“Y’know, I honestly did not know what to expect when we walked in… but this is actually really nice.”

“Yeah… This is actually really nice… Let’s get that room so we can start questing as soon as possible.”

Huh... the receptionist is an elf... and androgynous... ish...

“Good evening to you, good traveler! Would you like a room to stay the night?”

“Yessir, my lady and I would like to rent a single room for tonight.”

“Excellent! If you don’t find it too presumptuous, would you like a single bed or two beds?”

“Hmm… Eris? Your call.”

I'm not going to assume she only wants one bed.... no matter how much I want only one bed

“We’ll go with a single bed.”

FUCK YEAH

“Great! That’ll be twenty gold coins, unless you also want an included breakfast, in which case that’s an extra three! Is everything satisfactory?”

“Thank you, sir. So, which room is it?”

“Ah! Sorry, it’s room 213, up the stairs, to the left, third from the end. We wish you a good night, sir!”

Aaaannndd I almost tripped up the stairs because Eris is dragging me.

“Heh… that eager to sleep?”

“You could say that…”

Oh my.

“Oh my!”

“Lets rest… so that we can go on so… many… adventures…”

OH MY!

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