Chapter 1 Alt Title: Eris is Just Too Goddamn Cute Sometimes

Y'know, when I decided to leave that stupid spat that some called a War behind, I honestly would not have believed that I could have found a better place to live than Home...but I did. The only problem with it is Eris, resident female Draconequus, prankster, romantic, and my very first Best Friend, caps necessary.

She also enjoys bothering me at the most random times.

“Umbra! Oh Umbraaaaaaa!”

Speaking of the she-devil, there she is now, draped all over my nice, clean sofa. She's a cute one, to be sure. Chinese Dragon horns, lion paw hands, and goat hooves, all on a standard draconequus body. And she somehow comes off as really goddamn cute, even with a look that should scream 'ABNORMAL'.

“Umbra! Come on… I’m bored…”

WHOOSH

The things I do for the people I like.

“Eris...please, remove your hooves from my sofa. Cleaning it every time you decide to pop in is getting repetitive and tedious.”

She looks me in the eyes, her own half lidded...she's smiling too... so cute... but no, I'm asexual.

“You know that I paid for this one… But that’s not the point… I’ve come here for a request.”

Oh yeah, it was a gift... nevertheless, I still decide to act all exasperated about it.

“I do realize that but it’s in my house, I use it, therefore it’s mine...Request? What request?”

Her requests usually lead to something that I won't like, but will do anyway.

“Would you mind oh-so-terribly to give your favorite Half-draconequus temporary admin status?”

WHAT

“...Yes. I could very well lose my job for that, and then who would you mooch off of, hmm? Not to mention that I’d be immediately annihilated if I lost my position as a SysAdmin…”

Well, metaphorically speaking, of course.

    “Well… I don’t mean with the same abilities as you… being an orderly chaos spirit and whatnot… Just enough to make my own Displaced… not quite the same amount as that Merchant fellow… just two.”

BLASTED PUPPY-DOG EYES; I WILL NOT FALL TO YOUR POWER

“You can already do that, Eris. It’s not my fault you haven’t figured out a way to use your Chaos magic to travel through the Void and pull anything with you...even if the Void is a cesspool of Chaos and Paradox already… are you sure you inherited your mother’s intellect? I recall Fluttershy being much more...intelligent... when she was your age.”

I love teasing this girl...she's so cute... shit... I think I went from Asexual to Heterosexual...and it took me two years to realize it.

“Wait… Daddy lied to me…?”

I think she's pissed. And of course your father lied, Lord of Chaos, remember? Also, he probably did it four your own protection... some things out there don't like Chaos Users.

“Of course he did! Stubborn old goat… HE told me that Chaos magic wasn’t strong enough to do that! I am going to wring his neck the next time I see him!”

I couldn't help it, I chuckled a little.

“Discord has, across an infinite spread of Universes, across an infinite spread of Time, done exactly what you want to do...just by snapping his fingers and thinking that it’d be...Chaotic. I suppose you, being half pony, couldn’t do it so simply, eh? Oh, and by the way...consider his neck wrung.”

Cue Evil Smirk™.

Meanwhile, in Fluttershy’s cottage

Fluttershy nearly has a panic attack when out of nowhere, her husband’s neck is twisted a full forty two revolutions around, involuntarily. She then notices the small card fluttering to a stop in front of her face. She reads it aloud, “One neck wringing...deliverer: Umbra Shadow-Walker… commissioner: Eris?”

“Oh my, I wonder why our daughter would do such a thing?”

Discord lets his head spin back at a dizzying speed, catching his cheeks once his neck is back to its proper position and lets his eyeballs spin around a few times. “Oh… That’s just what I needed, You know Fluttershy, I’ve had that pain in the lower part of my neck for a week straight and just couldn’t figure out how to get rid of it. I’m going to have to thank Eris later.” He says with a smile.

Back at Umbra’s House a.k.a Right Across Ponyville

She's leaning up agianst me OHGODWHATDOIDO!?

“You know… You’re so… interesting… no, fascinating… no, that’s not it either… Oh, what’s the word I’m looking for…?”

Fuck, the adorable pout, too!

“It’s so amazing to see anything as interesting as a living shadow like you.”

Play it cool, stoic...like Batman...but not Batman because somehow Batman is still cooler than me...

    “I know, you’ve told me this approximately three hundred times since I met you...three years ago. And you come over like, every three days…”

Nailed it.

“Maybe I just want you to make sure you don’t forget it.”

Ooh, snarky. Two can play at that game.

“I have not forgotten it at all...every single incarnation of you that I’ve met in my… seven… no… eight… no… thirty? Yes. Every single incarnation of you that I’ve met in my thirty thousand millennia of existence has told me the exact same thing. It’s actually starting to seem like a Multiversal constant,”

“Then I guess you don’t want to help me?”

When did I say that?

“I never said that–”

AAUGH MY EYESPOTS! THE CUTENESS! IT BURNS!

“Really!? Thankyouthankyouthankyou!”

If I were mortal I'd be bleeding out of my ears from her squee... and suffocating from her hug.

“...What the hell have I gotten my black ass into this time?”

It’s not racist because I'm actually a shadow!... And literally black.

“Okay… Since daddy’s too much of a meanie to teach me… can you show me how to do it?"

Like a little child sometimes, I swear. Rolling my eyespots around my facial perimeter, I respond.

“Fine.”

The things I do for her... is this...no... I swore I would never–!

“Right. This is different from my power, and your father’s power, given that I am basically a full on deity that literally hacks his way into victory, and your father is just a 3D representation of the Chaos Magic that permeates the Multiverse.”

“I understand, I think I just need the basics and I can extrapolate from there using my own technique after a bit of practice.”

Good, gives me less work to do... I'm still an Admin, you know.

“Very well. First: collect as much power as you think is necessary. Given that you have Chaos Magic, that is much less that you really think it is right now. Just a drop will do.”

Oh look, she has a little quill an notepad, how adorable!

“Second, imagine casting your power into a Void, and, given your specialty, hooking onto the most chaotic beings that your power level can retrieve.”

When did my living room turn into a classroom?

“Nice attention to detail. Step three is simple: actually do it. Your imagination will help the process. Don’t pay attention to the casting, just focus on the results. Don’t stress your mind too much about ‘what-if’s and ‘maybe’s. Just do it. It’s that simple.”

I close the textbook that mysteriously appeared in my hand and shucked of my new, shitty teacher outfit.

“There, lesson finished. Got everything?”

“Aww… there was so much potential in that scene… with me as the awkward, yet attentive student and you as the bold and strict teacher who has the secret attraction for me that you can’t let any of the other staff know about…”

FUCK. Not this again. She needs to let it go, I'm not getting into a relationship with her...

Well, time to tease...see how bothered she gets...

“You mean...something like this?”

I love my 'echo-y voice' trick. Now the room is a detention classroom.

“Good afternoon, miss Eris. You’re in detention for blatantly trying to seduce a teacher.”

Thank gods we've done this whole song and dance before, otherwise it'd be awkward.

“Yeah… just with a bit more… Oh… Authority in your step, like you control the room and are going to punish me for the disobedient student I am.”

If I was flesh and blood...well, most males will understand what problem I'd have...even if she's not human...she's damn hot sometimes... FUCK.

“Well then–”

Why the hell is there a BDSM paddle in this desk? Oh yeah... teasing

“–how about some corporal punishment, then?”

“Ooh! Yes… that’s perfect.”

Must...contain...fake...hormones...

“Then come over, miss Eris. You don’t want to waste more of my precious time, do you? Come now, miss Eris. Prolonging it will only make it worse on you.”

I am now sitting in a chair...who am I, the Old Spice Guy?

Oh look, she's wrapped around me.

“Will you promise to always be there for me?”

GAH! Don't DO that, woman!

“Of course.”

I know seduction too, y'know...I just never thought I'd need the info...

“Then do as you wish…”

I just lost the seduction game. Time to end this charade.

“Then...–”

POOF

And now I'm holding my front door open for Eris.

"– I think you forgot, Eris, that I am completely asexual...and that I love pranking you. Now, run along, I’m sure your parents will start to wonder just what we’re up to...it’s almost midnight.”

Maybe that was a bit mean...ending it so close...eh...

“Do you know how long it’s going to take to get over this?! You’re such an ASS!”

Standard response number 4...she's pissed...

“You’ve said that about me about two hundred times in the last year...when you first started these advances...and yet, you always come back within a week...even after I’ve said those exact words...this also happened two weeks ago. I’ll see you later, Eris; I have work to do.”

Aaaaaaannnndddd she's gone

Later that evening, or morning, whichever you prefer.

Eris had her chin on her paws as she stared out at the night sky, tears in her eyes as she just gazed at the moon.

“Why? Why do you keep doing this to me Umbra…?” She manages to say with a cracked voice as a few tears fall from her puffy eyes. “Can’t you just once… Just… once… be with me… for me…?” She stares at the moon for a few more seconds before turning away from her window to collapse on the bed, once more crying herself to sleep, once more… going to bed cold and alone.

Two weeks later

Today's the day that Eris is going to make her first Displaced... I'm almost proud. Almost because Admins aren't supposed to create Displaced...and shouldn't really approve of it either...but it's just a guideline.

“I’m still mad at you.”

She's cute when she's mad...FUCK

“I know you are. Do you still need to practice before you actually go with the process?”

Interlude: Deeper Thoughts in Umbra's Psyche

I know she wants me to be with her...but...I...I don’t know if I should...Gah! What the hell should I do!? Shitty Romance Novels, you have failed me!

Eh? What’s that bolded text in my head?

Where the piss have you been!? I thought I lost you way back when I first went through that portal to Equestria! Do you know how much shit my Id made me do!?

My condolences.

Fine...infodump authorized...initiating...have a nice day...there, you’re caught up.

Yup

More like a petty spat between two individuals that can actually hurt me, but yes.

Uh-huh

Yup...are you just going to keep asking questions that you already know the answers to while interspersing said questions with shitty 80’s slang? Because seriously, that slang is really shitty. And 80’s.

Heritage!? What heritage!? I barely count as a 90’s kid! Remember!? Oh yeah, and no, I’m not losing you again. You’re safely anchored in my head...unless I do the ‘Split Psyche’ trick… then you get your own body…

Well...first, sounds to me like you developed a bit of a personality, good on you, Second… I dunno man… I know how she feels about me… it’s just… something keeps holding me back… wait… there. Problem solved. My ‘Fear of Relationships Due to Frank Inexperience’ Parameters were acting way up. Okay. I’m good. Let’s solve this problem...right now...yeah… Just activate the goddamn scene break already, author! GAH!

I get ya, low and slow it is.

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming

“Wipe that smug look off of your face, you jerk.”

Well, that got sorted out... I can now freely admit that I really am... in love...holy shit...

“You got this?”

I think she's surprised I'm not being condescending.

“I think so…”

Do or do not do, there is no try, young padawan learner

“Keep in mind that your powers make this sort of thing notoriously unpredictable in terms of who you get, so don’t be disappointed in the results. Just be glad that it’ll work.”

I even let her use a magic mirror as a training device...those are pretty hard to come by and harder to make.

"I gotcha. Although I did notice a few interesting things about this particular Equestria compared to the Earth Cluster.”

“Wha’ abou’ it?”

Let me just take this time to tell you that I fucking love apples... kinda like Ryuk, but less creepy.

“Well…”

Oh shit. Its a copy of the ‘Dungeons & Dragons Player’s Handbook™’

“Oh hell no. What the hell is that. Where the ever-living fuck did you get that!? NO NO no no NO! I will–”

“I was just noticing a few things between this Equestria and the lore of this game that are pretty similar… so… I was… kinda hoping… that… well… we could… use one of the Earths that was going to… well…”

“... Why am I such a goddamn sucker for the women in my life? What am I, a typical Teenage Shonen Hero? Gods, it’s pathetic.”

It really is.

    “I wouldn’t go that far… but I was hoping we could use one of the Earths that was facing like… an Apocalypse of some kind and just… give two humans a second chance at life here?”

UUUUGGGGGHHHHH, the things I do...

“... Yeah sure why not. Reel ‘em in. I’ll stabilize so you don’t go too off target, though you might still miss a little.”

“Umbra… What would they look like without their bodies? Would they just be kinda like two wispy spirit thingies?”

Don't tell me...

“More like a ball of light in some sort of random color befitting their personality, but with smoky wisps coming off. Why?”

“No real reason other than I was curious…”

I think the main point of Displaced Humans is to grab their bodies, not just their souls

“Looks like you’re pretty much on target… be wary of any unexpected developments, though. Chaos magic, however little I can use, is really finicky, and tends to backfire if used without anything weird as the intention. This should be sufficiently odd to mitigate most of the mutations, though.”

“Well… since they’re from a universe with no magic… why not make them, essentially, magical creations…? Make one a wizard and then make the other some sort of magical healer? That way there’s a bit of Chaos and a plan…”

And that never ends well if there's Chaos Magic involved.

“I’ll handle the magic part...though with that Chaos pulling them here, I wouldn’t be surprised if something went wrong.”

Oh look, they're pacifist souls! You can tell because they're pink... the color system is weird as shit

“I’m sure nothing too bad happened… Care to help me make physical forms for them? I’ll even handle their starting equipment…”

“Toss ‘em over, let me start… you got one of each gender, right?”

“Well… That’s what I was aiming for… they were pretty close together so I could only assume that they belonged to the same her- I mean, were a couple… But they’re both pink, so I don’t really know…”

They better goddamn be two different genders, let's check.

“Pink is an indicator of Pacifism, not gender… I’m sensing two distinct genders, but the chaos is interfering with my ability to tell which is which… can you tell?”

“I’m still surprised you can tell the gender difference…”

What.

“Well...hope they don’t mind too much if I fuck up their genders… here we go, two basic humanoid templates. Extra features, Eris?”

“Yeah… I want them to be compatible with the rules on divine sparks… and… lets see…”

Oh, she has another book...this one has 'Dragons' printed on the cover as well... idea!

“How about we make Dragon-Themed Heroes?”

Best. Idea. Ever. NOT.

“Any color patterns in particular? I was thinking maybe green primary scales for the male with purple secondary scales, and then purple for the female’s main scales with pink secondaries.”

Why the hell should I know!? I'm only going along with your crazy plan!

“Go ahead, they’re your Displaced after all. I’m only here in case something goes really wrong.”

“Well… Since you’re technically helping me I’d say that they are our displaced…”

She's leaning on me again...and it just feels so... right. Is this what love is like? Why the hell was I ever asexual? Oh yeah...shadows being intimate gets really awkward, really fast. it's like 'Is that your shadow piece or mine?' and 'Jeez, get your goddamn shadow out of my eyespots!

“I suppose so, but you’re doing most of the work here. I’m just supervising and giving encouragements, sarcastic as they may be.”

“Alright! Twentieth level wizard and cleric… with fifth level character gear. Technically the cleric will have an advantage since he’ll only need his holy symbol to cast his spells… while the wizard will need herself a spellbook.”

“So...who exactly is the Cleric’s deity, anyway? And what symbol will they use?”

“Do you mind getting in contact with Tamara? I can fashion a nice wooden seven pointed star, just let her know she’s going to have a new cleric.”

Calling Tamara...

Yo, Tamara!

Umbra? ...What the hell are you calling me for, I was sleeping...ZzZ

I need you to know something

ZzZ...Huwha? What is it?

You're getting a new follower

Oh...if that's all, let me go back to bed...

Night

Night...you know what, for waking me up, you're also the deities of my new follower, maybe you'll learn some se–ZZZZZZzzzZzzzZzZzZ

Tamara is kind of a bitch when you wake her up.

“... Give me a moment… Right, she knows. We’re technically also the Cleric’s deities now too… somehow.”

“Yeah… but deities use that whole rank system and stay within their own specific Universe/Multi-Plane Worlds… And they get stronger with more followers, we don’t. You know… I really liked this…”

DonotstareatherwhileshestretchesUmbraIsweartogod.

“Hmm? Liked what?”

“Oh! One last favor… could you help put them in their bodies and make sure they appear close to each other? They’re strong enough to not really have to worry about dying easily… but… I’d rather keep them together…”

Sappy girl...good thing I'm a sappy guy sometimes...

“You and your romantic tendencies… But yeah, sure. Your lucky I’m also a bit of a romantic too.”

“Oh I can just see it now… both of us sharing a beautiful castle, being taken care of because we created the strongest heroes in Equestria…”

Yeah...no...why does she even need a castle anyways?

“Why a castle? Do you want to be a Princess too?”

“I wouldn’t mind being your Princess…”

I'd [Blush like a virgin] if I had a goddamn face right now.

“Right… Well, looks like everything is working well enough… let’s pop these in, shall we?”

POP

“‘Kay, they appear to be stable… they should wake up soon, too… now we just wait.”

“I hope our children don’t have anything too bad happen to them on the first night…”

WAIT, WHAT DID YOU CALL THEM!?

“...Wait, CHILDREN!?”

And the Wizard (the female) is awake.

    “Holy shit! What’s going on here!? Are these scales!?”

Oh look, she's freaking out...not too bad.

And her hands are patting down some...sensitive areas... Oh shit

"...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

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