Author's Notes:

The Usual Disclaimer:

The following is a work of parody, and is protected as Fair Use under section 17 U.S. Code § 107 of US Copyright Law. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and all affiliated characters are property of Hasbro Inc.

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*ENRAGED AUSTRALIAN NOISES*

CHAPTER 64

“So that’s everything? Nobody’s left anything absolutely necessary behind? Nothing incriminating towards our plans? Last minute toilet break?” Night Light asked loudly, the other ponies in the room either shaking their heads or shouting back their replies, but the atmosphere of the room felt more like the anticipation of heading out to a festival than the start of a stealth mission.

Great. We’ve got to get a baker’s dozen worth of civilians out of the house, which is being monitored by the Muckrakers, Murdock and Stump’s hired slander-factories, let alone whatever eyes the Shadow Court has fixed on us, and the only thing we’ve got to aid us is a handful of Royal Guards still green as grass out of basic, and whatever tricks this bunch of old veterans have up their sleeves. Despite his grumbling, Night Light felt like grinning. Even with the odds stacked against them, even with how dire things could get if the Shadow Court nabbed them before the Bronze Leaves, as the former soldiers had come to call their rag-tag bunch, and their spouses and partners could escape from Canterlot, it felt good to be doing something other than sitting, waiting for the hammer to fall.

Flames of Tartarus, the Princess herself was onboard with the idea, and that had been an encounter that Night Light and Thunderwing had been expecting to be a knock-down drag-out argument with the Princess of the Sun. Instead, the Princess had agreed immediately once the plan had been explained to her, given them a scroll dictating that the Thunderwing and ‘the Ponies in her care’ were to be granted anything they wished for, within certain conditions, if the scroll was presented to a Royal Guard Stable or civilian authority within Equestria, and then turned around and told them she’d be waiting eagerly for their ‘publicity’ assault on the Shadow Court.

“For centuries, I have tried to passively change their minds, stop their bigotry, trying to not cause a confrontation that might start a civil war or cause bloodshed, and all my efforts and the sacrifices of those who followed my plans have been for naught. Perhaps your plan will provide the impetus, however violent, needed to either drag these self-important fools out of their beloved shadows and into the light, into the sight of the ponies they would oppress … the backlash alone could end this stalemate, burn the Shadow Courts’ ambitions down around their ears as the individual Noble houses that make up its’ ranks start to throw each other onto the fire to save themselves. They certainly won’t see this sort of plan coming from the very tribes they see as intrinsicly inferior, and I suspect that alone will do more damage to the Shadow Court than a hundred press-conferences from me!” Celestia has said, a peculiar gleam in her eyes after listening to the plan. “Regardless, you have my blessing, and my full support in this. Remember, there is to be no killing and you are not permitted to flee the country, but other than that, I will expend every ounce of influence I can bring to bear for anything you need to do to keep the Shadow Court off your backs, at least until we can begin Bluebone’s trial and finally deal with this cancer infesting Equestria.”

“Got me lovelies gear all packed up, Night. Think that’s all of it, but how’re we gonna get down to the gates? S’gonna be a bloody long walk, ‘specially with all these ponies hangin’ ‘round your front door.” Spud grunted, the scarred, ugly stallion thumping a massive suitcase down by the front door, his three wives all giving him dire looks as the suitcase’s latching mechanisms squeaked alarmingly, both at their treatment and at holding the two halves of the over-stuffed suitcase together.

“That’s my department. We’re going underground, courtesy of the Sewage Department, and slipping out of Canterlot without ever seeing the gates.” Thunderwing stuck a hoof in the air, laughing sassily as everypony else in the room groaned. “There’s an old segment of the sewers that runs directly under this street, and we’ve got a crew of diamond dogs digging a small tunnel up to the back-yard. Once we’re down, they’ll fill in their tunnel, patch the hole in the sewers and nopony will be the wiser.”

“Not too keen on wading through shit to get out of Canterlot.” Bronze Gong grumbled unhappily, his partner nodding vigorously.

“Nobody’s wading through anything. There’s wide ledges down there we can walk on, and we’ll be given breathing masks once we’re down there. Best of all, the Shadow Court barely has a presence down in that part of the city, given that it’s diamond dog territory, and the pack we’ll be dealing with has always been loyal to the Thrones for giving them such an expansive territory in exchange for maintaining the city’s underground sections and keeping an eye out for invaders.” The scarred Thestral explained further, grinning as some of the fussier mares complained about getting ‘stank’ in their manes and fur.

“I wish we could have somepony tell our children what is going on, but I suppose that defeats the purpose of the entire exercise.” Twilight Velvet muttered, soft enough only for Night Light and Thunderwing to hear, as the assembled ponies set about double-checking their luggage, the former soldiers easily falling back into the crisp, economical ways the army had taught them, the civilians following their lead rather messily.

“Shining is, as far as I know, safely ensconced in Canterlot Castle with Cadence and the entirety of the Royal Guard around them both. I suspect he’ll learn of what we’re doing sooner rather than later, even if he is now the leader of a foreign nation.” Night Light wrapped a hoof around Velvet’s shoulders and gave her a gentle squeeze, his wife sighing and leaning into him for precious seconds before shaking him off, blinking back tears. “And Twilight has Princess Luna guarding her twenty-four-seven. Once we start making in-roads with the Apple Clan and we can start dishing some pain back onto the Shadow Council, given our little girl is best buddies with the pride of said Clan, I’ll bet my last bit that she’ll come looking for us, rather than the other way around.”

“Uh, just on the quiet, Velvet, you are leaving all your … ah, inspiration tools behind, yes? I’d prefer to not deafen the rest of the group the next time you decide to use me as a prop for your next novel. And isn’t playing that role that your husband’s job?” The scarred thestral whispered as the group waited impatiently for the appointed hour, blushing as both Velvet and Night Light grinned at her like cats who had just found the cream.

“Oh, I wouldn’t worry, my dear sweet Wingy, I won’t need them. You forget which Clan we’re visiting, and what they specialize in.” Night Light couldn’t help but snort with laughter at the way all the blood drained from Thunderwing’s face, and the adorable twitches her wings made as she fought to keep them from extending, as his ever-hungry wife fixed her best ‘I am going to wreck your ass and you will love it’ expression on the middle-aged thestral. “All those carrots, zucchinis and deliciously knobbly cobs of corn just waiting for us. I’m sure I can improvise with whatever is on hoof.”

“Can I surrender to the Shadow Court? I’d like to surrender to the Shadow Court.” Thunderwing whimpered as Velvet winked laviciously at her new ‘herdmate’. “Night Light, this is your job. Sate her already, will you?”

“I’ve been trying that for twenty-five years, Wingy, and you were trying that even before I got involved. You, of all ponies, should know that’s not physically possible.” Night Light shot back, laughing openly as Thunderwing groaned theatrically and complained to Velvet about Night Light ‘shirking’ his duties.

Soon enough the ponies left the house, pretending to have a party in the back-yard under a very large and enclosed marquee tent, waiting impatiently as the well-manicured lawn bulged and eventually split, a trio of very dirty diamond dogs emerging with canine grins on their faces, shaking the clods from their coats and shaking the hooves of every pony they could get their paws on, the veterans quickly mustering their partners down the surprisingly spacious tunnel as suitcases and duffle-bags were quickly passed down the hole, ponies and diamond dogs forming a chain of individuals moving the luggage down the line from mouth to paws to hooves until the luggage was all safely ensconced in the sewers awaiting transport.

Not bad, considering this was a rush-job. Night Light thought to himself as he inspected the hole, seeing the dirt had been compressed with such strength that it looked and felt like stone, but Princess Celestia had assured him that the diamond dogs would be able to fill in the hole in such a way that even the best excavators would never even know it had been there. Always easy to forget that, for all the advancement ponykind has made, the other races all have their own strengths that we’ll never be able to match.

“Good job, yes?” One of the younger diamond dogs asked, eager and obviously looking for praise. “Tunnel safe, dry, not leave big dent in pony’s grass!”

“Indeed, you did fantastic. What’s your name, friend?” Night Light agreed, extending a hoof and wincing as the over-eager young pup nearly shook his limb off.

“This one am Scarf, pony-friend! Scarf happy, is first tunnel Scarf dig on own, without Alpha telling what to do!” The pup all but scampered down the tunnel, and Night Light took a closer look, noting that the tunnel was large enough that even at full stretch, not a single part of anypony’s body touched the walls of ceiling, yet the tunnel had been dug only this morning.

“You did this all by yourself?” Night Light asked, his amazement obvious in his voice, and Scarf’s tail wagged so rapidly the pup nearly fell over.

“Yes! Yes, Scarf did all by himself! Pack-mates came to make sure Scarf do right, and help ponies out of territory, but Scarf dig whole tunnel all by himself!”

The other two diamond dogs gave Night Light the long-suffering look that all parents are intimately familiar with and rolled their eyes at Scarf’s antics, then turned their attention to the hole. Their paws gripped the sides of the hole and, before Night Light’s eyes, pulled the edges in like they were grabbing the edge of a sheet, grass and dirt stretching back across the entrance to seamlessly block the interior of the marquee tent.

Sweet Lady Faust’s left ass-cheek! I knew the diamond dogs had some sort of magic, but that’s … incredible. Night Light found himself trying to walk forwards while looking over his back, as the two older diamond dogs walked at the back of the line, their paws clawing and scraping at the hard-packed dirt walls, yet instead of shallow grooves and small amounts of dirt being pulled loose, the walls expanded back in like a sponge that had been dipped in water, yet never so much that the integrity of the tunnel seemed at risk, nor were the diamond dogs in danger of being buried by their own handiwork.

It only took a minute to navigate the tunnel, Night Light being urged on by the excited Scarf as his two older pack-mates handled the tunnel, and entrance to the sewers was hardly full of noxious fumes, as the Bronze Leaves had feared. I’ve smelled worse when working in the garden. Night Light thought to himself as he emerged from the tunnel, the two older diamond dogs hot on his heels as the tunnel sealed up behind them, the dirt flowing together and then stopping just behind the curved layer of thick, dark bricks that made up the walls and ceiling of the capital’s ancient sewers.

“Hey, this place ain’t so bad.” Spud rumbled, his wives strapping their suitcases to his sides and back with frustrated expressions on their faces. “Reminds me of ... hey, Night, what was that place, the ruins, the ones wit’ all the snakes an’ the bats and the donkey salt-smugglers we got sent out to nab?”

“The Autam’nal Ruins, the remains of buffalo temple dedicated to the Spirit of Fall.” Thunderwing piped up, assisting Honeydip, Spud’s wife from Prance, to secure her share of the luggage against her massive husband’s side. “And if I recall correctly, you shot me in the ass with a crossbow because you couldn’t tell the difference between a giant fruit-bat and a thestral while we were chasing some idiot pegasus tomb-robber around in there when she was trying to unearth some unholy relic.”

“Ah, t’was jus’ a flesh wound, an’ yah got to get Night Light to carry yah out a’ that place on his ba-aaack!” Spud protested, then yelped as Vet’kloe, his zebra wife, kicked him in the ankle. “Why, me love?”

“Too loud you all are, these noises will carry, and this deep under the earth a zebra should not tarry!” Vet’kloe hissed, the tall zebra looking especially pale as her eyes roamed the dim expanses of the sewer and scowled at the slow-moving river of dirty water beside them. “The sooner we are out the better I say, so move your fat arse, we haven’t got all day!”

“Vet’s got the right of it. Just because we’re unlikely to meet any resistance down here doesn’t mean there’s no risk.” Holding up a glowing crystal, Bronze Gong and another Diamond Dog stood at the head of the party, where Autumn Glory and Star Streaks were handing out simple masks of perfume-soaked cloth to the other ponies in the group. “Sooner or later somepony will catch on that we’re no longer at the Twilight residence, so the quicker we’re out of the city, the better our odds.”

“Not many ponies down here, but still some. They not listen to Princess, not listen when told they stray into pack’s territory.” The diamond dog next to Bronze Gong grumbled, an older female whose wrinkled muzzle and floppy ears had turned silver from age. “Thieves, smugglers, we try to catch them but we have no authority above ground, cannot hold them once they reach streets. Royal Guards help, but too few, and these ponies know what time patrols come past, and pack cannot be everywhere at once.”

“Worse though now. Many unicorns come into territory now, all bearing symbol of pikes with blades that twist like screws. Use bad magic on pack, make pack-mates sick, see bad visions, our pups get lost in sewers and tunnels, become afraid of own territory.” One of the older diamond dogs behind Night Light added, picking up a brick and pushing it back into place, the other dog licking another brick and placing it next to that, the brick strangely staying in place despite the angle and the lack of mortar. “We tell Royal Guards, but they not can help much. Too few, too few, and twisted-pike Unicorns move in big groups, use bad magic to make it bad luck for pack to stay in territory under northern cliffs.”

Northern cliffs … that’s the Noble District, or at least the part of the district where the oldest and most influential Houses have their mansions. Night Light shared a startled look with Thunderwing before they received their masks and distractedly put them on. Pikes with a screw-like blade … do they mean the Spiral Pikes?

The thought of an all-unicorn mercenary unit with supremacist tendencies and a history of employing black magic moving uncontested through the sewers of Canterlot was a disturbing thought, especially if the Thrones were sitting on their hooves about the matter

“And nobody is doing anything about it?” Night Light whispered to one of the diamond dogs who brought up the rear of the group as they began to walk, following the aging female at the front of their mis-matched convoy.

“Twisted-pike unicorns not come till few weeks ago, use bad magic to hide themselves, Pack not know they here until some pups stumble into them, and twisted-pikes hurt pups’ minds, trick them to get lost in their own tunnels. Pack took many days to find our pups, and Princess do much, give charms that take away bad magic, charms that hold much sun-magic to help pups heal and feel safe again. But ring-horns had to leave, capture bug-pony, not able to help us now.” The dog grunted, sniffing the air cautiously before speaking again. “Alpha says that ring-horns have come back, will deal with twisted-pike ponies, but ring-ponies must come soon. Pack not big enough to fight them alone, need pony-magic to fight pony-magic, twisted-pike ponies use bad magic, evil magic, makes pack see things that not real, makes pack get lost in own tunnels and Princess not able to make enough charms for all of pack.”

“If your Alpha can’t get any help from the Royal Guards, tell her to go see Dawn Ray of the Royal Guard, or seek out Major Nightshade of the Night Guard. Either of them will be happy to lean on ponies until you get the support you need.” Thunderwing offered, her voice slightly muffled from behind the cloth mask. “I can’t believe Rosebush let things get this bad.”

“Not her fault. Stupid ponies who not listen to pack, not obey Royal Guard, they ones who at fault. Try to tell Alpha that need ‘appointment’ when she comes with news. Alpha have to sneak into palace, talk to Rosebush, not able to see Princess anymore. Every time Alpha try to see Princess, told Princess too busy by ponies who smell too much like flowers and silk, not enough sweat and dirt. Say Princess too good to speak to pack, but Alpha and pack know this is lies, Princess always talks to pack whenever she can.” The dog growled, and Night Light patted the digger’s shoulder with a hoof.

“There’s always some fool who thinks because they don’t have to do the grunt work, they’re above everyone else, pony or otherwise. I’d go and let the Princess know myself, but we’re trying to get out of Canterlot because somepony wants to capture me and my friends, and if we stay, they might try to kill us to keep us silent.”

“Pack knows, Alpha very angry, wants to fight but if packs fights ponies, Princess have to deal with stupid ponies who not think for themselves, only believe what they told, and cause big mess on surface. So pack waits, pack watches, pack tracks twisted-pikes, try to see where they go up to surface, where they store weapons, get their scents.” The diamond dog grinned, a very toothy, predatory grin as the tunnel widened, and several more diamond dogs, these ones wearing coats of grease-blackened mail, horned helms jammed down over their heads and short, broad-headed spears clutched in thick paws stepped out of the shadows and began to escort the convoy, so silently that many of the ponies did double-takes at the sudden increase in escorts. “Twisted-pikes, thieves, stupid ponies, they all forget that pack given this territory by Princess because pack fought for Princess during bad old days, pack broke bad ponies who try to use bad magic against Princess and other ponies. Pack not forget that Princess cared for us, gave us home, healed our sick, made us equals of ponies and minotaurs and orcs in law. Pack not forget Princess loves us as own pups, nor forget how to fight.”

“When Princess say time is right, when Alpha and pack allowed to fight, ponies will remember why they not supposed to come into pack’s territory without asking.”

“If we’re back in Canterlot when that happens, my friend, I hope I’m there to help you and your pack.” Night Light whispered as a faint hint of daylight crept through the small openings in a stallion-hold cover overhead. “There’s a burning need to purge those ponies from our home before they hurt more of our people.”

“Our people. You speak of ponies and pack as one people?” The Diamond Dog asked, ears perking up and tail wagging slightly.

“We are all Equestrian, all equal in the eyes of the law. As far as I am concerned, that makes us all one people, one pack if you will, regardless of which race or tribe we belong to.” The blue stallion said firmly, holding the Diamond Dog’s gaze and smiling softly as the canine being’s tail began to wag madly.

“Is good. Alpha say that new Princess’s sire is good pony like new Princess is. Is much honor for pack that one of our pups guards new Princess, and now can tell pack that new Princess will help old Princess look after pack.”

“If one of your pack is looking after my daughter, then my heart is truly at ease.” Night Light said, and nearly fell into the river of fouled water as the Diamond Dog’s tail wagged so fast it began to slap him on the haunches.

Yet why have I never heard a single thing in any of Twilight’s letters about a Diamond Dog amongst her friends?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rarity sighed as Nurse Redheart probed her again, the sour-faced mare tutting softly as her hooves poked and prodded while her assistants, and the thestrals, prepared the materials for the next cast that Rarity would be wearing.

Thankfully, it wouldn’t be a full body cast this time, but it would be one that confined Rarity’s torso, meaning her range of movement would remain heavily constricted.

Not that having those two burly bat-ponies carrying me around is all bad. And I might actually get to feel all those muscles rippling under their coats without a full-body plaster on me this time. Rarity thought to herself, a bright point in an otherwise dark time in her life. And not the only one, strange as it seemed.

“Is she well, miss Redheart?” Moonbeam asked softly, the silver-eyed Thestral Mare leaning over the sour nurse’s shoulder, eyes watching every gesture and movement keenly. “I’m afraid my skills are more of a battlefield-nature, not proper medical care.”

“Nothing is out of place or more swollen than it should be after such an impact, and the medication and healing spells are doing their work.” Redheart muttered tartly, then very abruptly turned her head and glared over her shoulder at Moonbeam, the two mares’ faces so close together their muzzles almost touched. “And if you don’t get off my ass, both figuratively and literally, there will be two mares in plaster-casts before the day is over.”

Who would have thought that Moonbeam would be keeping me sane, be my saving grace, in this situation?

Certainly, Rarity hadn’t expected to have Princess Luna and Twilight come running when the … nightmare had struck her, not after that horrible night, nor to wake up from the dreamless, blissful state of oblivion that Luna had granted her with Moonbeam holding a replica of the Element of Generosity in her hooves over Rarity’s immobilized body.

“My mistress had to take Princess Twilight back home, both our newest Princess and Sir Spike are very distraught at what has happened to you, but Princess Luna did command me to explain to you the situation, if you are of a stable state of mind.”

“I am sane, despite what some ponies would have you believe! Despite Twilight tearing Generosity from my mind…”

“She did not! Not even Princess Luna or Elder Princess Celestia could perform such a feat. The Elements of Harmony answer to no force but themselves, and even now Princess Twilight struggles with the Element of Magic and the rogue Element of Generosity warring within her mind.” Moonbeam has said, slipping the faux Element around Rarity’s neck. “My Princess believes that Generosity has attempted to pervert it’s duties, and that conflict between your true nature and it’s attempted subversion has caused you to suffer a severe mental breakdown. Already, the Princesses have summon the Royal Psychiatrist to help you, and all of the Element Bearers, with the current troubles that plague you.”

“Wait, this is all so … you cannot expect me to believe everything is so cut and dry! I was betrayed, attacked, my friends …”

“Responded far too violently, nopony is denying this Lady Rarity, not then and not now, but consider what you would do if you learned that your little sister had been poisoned with aphrodisiacs? Or what your parents will do when they learn their youngest daughter has suffered so?” The silver-eyed mare had sighed and given Rarity a look of mingled pity and frustration that had choked Rarity’s argument in her throat. “The Princesses believe that Generosity, being unable to act openly against it’s own purpose, has been attempting to break your mind and corrupt the harmony you share with the other Bearers for some time now. Why it has done so remains a mystery, however.”

That had rocked Rarity to her core. Had she been manipulated? Corrupted by the very Element she had been so proud to bear, to be the only pony alive, including the Princesses themselves, who was worthy of what that Element represented? The thought both thrilled her, that she could blame all the bad blood that had been shed on everypony on some outside force and be absolved of all the guilt and anger, and horrified her more than even the twisted vision of being eternally fused to her Nightmare doppelganger had.

If Rarity was not in complete control of her own destiny, then had any of the changes in her life, for good or ill, mattered one bit? If every action she had taken been at the behest of some cosmic force nudging her along like a pawn on the chess-board, then she had achieved nothing, gained nothing, and everything that she had worked for and sacrificed to obtain was meaningless. And that rankled on many levels.

What point is there in my existence if I am but a single move in some sort of conflict between the Elements of Harmony? Rarity had wondered with sick horror as Moonbeam had prattled on about the features of the fake ‘Element’ charm and the news of the day. If I am not the master of my own destiny, the author of my own fate, then what is the point of living? I refuse to be some … some hapless actor, moved at the whim of some greater force!

And yet Moonbeam had refused to leave Rarity to her misery, swearing to the Pinkie Pie pledge without hesitation and acknowledging that such an oath would be binding no matter what.

Princess Celestia had an extensive file on Pinkie as well, it seemed, judging from how Moonbeam had shuddered when a faint “I heaaaaaaaaaaaard that!” reached them through the heavily-shielded windows of Rarity’s boutique.

Everything that Moonbeam knew about the Elements, about what was going on in Ponyville and Canterlot, every scrap of information Rarity could think to ask about the Princesses was laid bare without hesitation … while the ‘gossip’ Moonbeam provided certainly improved Rarity’s mood, the thought of being manipulated by her Element troubled Rarity greatly.

All the information pointed to the unhappy truth that Generosity had, if not openly manipulated Rarity, then it had poisoned her mind at times when Rarity had been vulnerable in an effort to drive the white-coated Unicorn into acts of Disharmony, acts designed to corrupt or break the Harmony the Elements were supposed to represent. And worst of all, I never even realized I was being manipulated. I felt guilt, yes, when I was with Fancy Pants rather than seeing to my friends’ goals in Canterlot, but I had always wanted to join the Nobility … but it was so odd, so strange of me to completely ignore the girls like that. I even put up with their Faust-be-damned awful outfits and made them to the best of my ability without complaint, at least at first, because of how much they mean to me, and I to them.

And why was I so outraged at my friends? Yes, they were being monumentally unfair, it was the Cakes’ fault that the order was so botched, with aphrodisiacs instead of sugar and guarana, but I … I was out of control, and I am never out of control. They offered me a clear way to settle the matter without soiling anyone’s name in the courts, a mere slap on the hoof compared to what the law would dole out for even my minor role in the disaster, and instead I self-destructed right in-front of them all like a petulant child that’s never been told no before. Sweetie Belle and her friends had more control than that, even with all those hormones running through their systems, yet I ….

The fake Element around her neck glimmered softly, a pulse of alien but comforting magical warmth spreading from the charm into the skin directly underneath and then throughout the rest of her as the magical charm detected her rising stress-levels. Rarity sighed and tried to relax, stilling her mind as much as she could as the charm in the gem began to do its work once again, soothing her mind and calming her panic as Redheart and Moonbeam argued over Rarity’s next step on the path to good health.

So much has gone wrong, but at least Twilight cares, or at least feels guilty enough to come see me. The other girls have not come to visit yet, though … is it because Princess Luna ordered me isolated, or is it that they no longer care? No, I must believe that our friendship is not so fragile that one fight, even such a vicious one, can break us apart.

That visit, even if Rarity had been unconscious for most of it, gave her hope that at least the disaster that had befallen her had not cost Rarity all of her friends, even if things seemed strained at the moment. She would apologise for her role in the accident, they would apologise in turn for being so cruel, and then they could try to salvage their friendships with one another. The alternative was too painful to think about.

“Nurse Redheart, if I may, my sister … is she well? And the other Crusaders?” Rarity asked softly as a cowed-looking Moonbeam sulked away, and the two burly Thestral guards were quickly shooed out of the room by the sour nurse before she answered.

“I’ve only had a quick talk with them, but it seems that they’ve already been taught a very strong contraceptive spell, and how to brew a powerful abortive tea, by the blue unicorn that brought the Ursa Minor to town that one time.” Redheart said softly enough that Rarity doubted the two trainee nurses could hear, the nurse leaning down to inspect Rarity’s face and teeth with a keen, and critical, eye before speaking again. “I’d give them another day, maybe two days at most, before their systems work through the aphrodisiacs, but I have no idea how the spell Sweetie used to alter their bodies into their … current state … will affect either their odds of getting each other pregnant.”

Rarity turned more than a little green at the thought of Sweetie, waddling home with a fat belly and a blank flank. Forget my having to leave town in disgrace, Sweetie would be ruined if that happened! She’s barely even begun to consider what life has to offer as an adult, and to become a mother straight out of her own foalhood? So many doors that could open before her would remain closed simply because of …

“Can we not simply separate the Crusaders from each other? Keep them physically apart and prevent them from … from doing what horny teenagers do?”

“I’d rather the Crusaders keep each other occupied, rather than have to deal with some stallion or mare who walks past them, gets a whiff of their pheromones and decides to use that as a legally water-tight excuse to sample some unriped fruit … or the Crusaders start trying to hump anything that doesn’t move after the count of three because their brains are fried and full of hormones.” The nurse pointed out, glaring down at Rarity, although the fashionista wasn’t sure if that was because she still blamed Rarity for her minor role in the debacle, or it was just Redheart’s natural state of perpetual irritation at the world in general on display. “You might be belatedly worried about your sister’s health and well-being, but I have the health and safety of the entire town to consider, and keeping that trio contained and separated from other teenagers, or predatory adults, is the best solution for the majority of the townsfolk. Something you might want to think about next time, Rarity.”

“I only intended to prank Applejack by making the Crusaders so hyperactive that nopony at the Apple household would get any sleep!” Rarity protested, then grunted as Redheart’s hoof pressed far harder on her bruised middle than any palpitation required.

“And you didn’t consider that maybe Granny Smith might have had a heart attack from all that sugar? Or that you might have caused anypony eating that much sugar and stimulants to suffer catastrophic renal failure? Or that much guarana might have caused delirium, maybe that Applejack might stubbornly try to work the fields the next day, hang her symptoms, and we have another incident knocking most of the adult ponies in town for a loop? I don’t want to be the pony having to deal with half the population suffering from explosive diarrhea again, literally explosive diarrhea, because that stubborn ass of a mare tries to keep working when most ponies would be sensible enough to throw in the towel.” The nurse snarled, tapping Rarity on the muzzle with her hoof as she removed the other from Rarity’s bruised torso. “Find less potentially lethal ways to prank your friends, Miss Rarity, or so help me you’ll wish Rainbow Dash had finished the job by the time I get through with you!”

“I thought you had sworn the Hippocratic oath!”

“Doctors swear that oath, not nurses. Something I hope you and the Cakes will remember before you ever pull a stunt like this again.” The sour nurse glared down at Rarity, and the fashionista squirmed a little under that gaze. “If the Princesses hadn’t used their authority to handle the matter quietly and taken the Crusaders under their wings, literally, I would have dragged all three of you to Officer Rulebook as soon as I knew what happened, and if I had needed to break and then reset some bones in the process, so be it.”

“Can Moonbeam come back? I’d like Moonbeam to come back, please.” Rarity squeaked as Rosebush dropped her head down until the fashionista could feel the hot air coming out of the other mare’s mouth on her face.

“Oh no.” Redheart’s face split into a smile more at home on a shark than a pony as she grinned down at her prone patient. “Your second and final cast is going to be a sticky cast, dear patient, and I need to shave you bald before I start to build up the layers, otherwise we’ll tear your skin off when we’re trying to remove this final cast. I’ll only accept trained professionals helping me with a patient this important.”

“Don’t worry, miss.” One of the assistants, clearly oblivious to her superior’s wicked agenda, called out cheerily to Rarity. “Your fur will grow back in a few days after we cut the plaster off.”

“My fur? Bald?” Rarity’s voice came out as a high-pitched whimper, while Redheart’s grin grew to disturbingly Pinkie-like levels.

“Who knows, maybe you’ll start a new fashion trend! Now girls, hold her down while I get the razors sharpened and the strips for the plaster ready. We want this patient to be nice and smooth so the plaster won’t hurt when we cut it off in a few days time.” Redheart chortled evilly as Rarity began to hyperventilate.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Don’t you think we should be in there? I mean, Princess Luna specifically charged us with protecting Lady Rarity from anything and everything, be it herself or anypony else.” One of the burly Thestrals muttered as the voices on the other side began to climb higher in scale, even if the thickness of the walls and door prevented the words from being clearly made out.

“They are nurses, I’m sure they won’t do anything to hurt …” Moonbeam sighed, before the air was rent by a horrified screech, and swiftly followed by the sound of Redheart’s yelling.

“DAMN IT, RARITY! LIKE YOU’RE NOT USED TO SHAVING DOWN THERE?!”

The thestrals looked at each other, wide-eyed and mouths left flapping open as the shrieking and whining grew obnoxiously loud, and Redheart’s commentary in turn became angrier and more descriptive of the actions being taken in the next room, before the two guards turned their backs to the door, gripped their spears tighter and tried to assume the expressionless masks all Guards were trained to adopt while on duty with mixed success. Moonbeam just blushed, then blanched and covered her face with a leathery wing.

“I’ll go get some icecream and an ice-pack for when they’re done.” The thestral mare grunted, scowling as the two guards struggled not to burst into laughter as Redheart’s commentary and Rarity’s furious retorts grew even coarser.