Author's Notes:

The Usual Disclaimer:

The following is a work of parody, and is protected as Fair Use under section 17 U.S. Code § 107 of US Copyright Law. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and all affiliated characters are property of Hasbro Inc.

I own nothing. All characters, settings and other belong to their respective owners. This is purely a fan-work with no intent towards profit, slander or harm towards the characters, settings or other, or their respective owners. If the respective owners feel that this fan-work in any way, shape or form threatens or besmirches their property, please let me know so that it be can be removed asap.

Please support the show.

The Royal Agents are revealed, and we begin to see some of the repercussions of Rarity's 'cake-revenge' plan coming back on her.

CHAPTER 48

When Twilight heard the knock on the library door, she wasn’t quite sure what she was expecting from the Royal Agents. A bunch of cloaked ponies, some inexplicably self-propelled cardboard boxes, something equally absurd from one of Spike’s comics or some overblown spy-movie.

Filthy Rich, with a hoofful of Ponies behind him, carrying presents and a banner that read “Thank You For Saving Ponyville Again!” on her doorstep was not one of those scenarios.

“O-o-oh, I … uhm, yes, please, come in.” Twilight stammered and gave a quick, nervous smile to the group, holding the door open and stepping back as they funnelled into her home, chatting pleasantly and spread out around the room, separating yet still carrying on their conversations.

Each pony pulled a strange device from their manes, white orbs made from eight metal segments, roughly half the size of an apple with four short, stubby legs jutting from the lower segments, and placed them around the room. Windows, the entrance doorway and at the base of the stairs and the entrance to the kitchen. And they never stopped babbling until all the devices were set and at a nod from the still-talking Filthy Rich, lightly bopped the tops of the devices at the same time.

For a few precious seconds, Twilight felt … buzzy. That was the only way to explain the sensation, like her entire being had suddenly been transformed into a hive of angry bees all buzzing at each other, trapped in the shape of a Pony before the sensation passed and the room fell into a sudden silence.

“Scratch, are we in the green?” Filthy Rich asked loudly, eyes scanning the room before he bowed, first to Luna, then to Twilight, and then a short nod to Spike. “Our deepest apologies, Princesses, sir Spike, but we have to make the room safe enough to talk openly.”

“All good, Richie. The suppressors are working just fine, we’re clear against scrying sensors and listening spells.” ‘Scratch’, a white-coated mare with a two-toned blue mane and a black musical note on her hindquarters replied, winking at Twilight from behind a pair of rose-tinted sunglasses.

“Vinyl Scratch?” Twilight blurted out, blinking and rubbing her eyes to make sure she wasn’t seeing things. “DJ Pon-3 is a Royal Agent?”

“Believe me, your Majesty, you don’t know the half of it.” One of the other Ponies, another Mare with a dark grey mane and tail and a light grey coat with a violet-coloured musical note as her Cutie Mark muttered, flipping a bang of her mane out of her face.

“Octavia? What in the …”

“Twilight, breathe.” Luna whispered, trotting over to Twilight’s side and rubbing her back with a hoof as the purple princess began to splutter. “I am sure that the Royal Agents can introduce themselves …”

“Active Royal Agents, your Majesty.” Filthy Rich amended, chuckling softly. “The position of a Royal Agent if often passed down the family line, although not always. While everypony I brought with me is an active Royal Agent, there are a few more Ponies in town who have retired due to age or injuries. That said …”

Pointing a hoof at Vinyl Scratch, the brown-coated Stallion started the introductions. “First off, we have Vinyl Scratch, aka DJ Pon-3, our counter-espionage and magical counter-measures expert. Her partner, Octavia Melody, our field medic, primary infiltrator and … information extractor. Don’t ask about the last part.”

“Or do. I sort of owe the purple nurple for crashing my only chance to play at a Grand Galloping Gala.” Octavia muttered, shooting Twilight a dirty look before getting swatted on the flank by a giggling Vinyl.

“Moving on before this gets awkward …” Rich sighed in an exaggerated fashion and pointed out the next two ponies. “We have Snowflake, aka ‘Bulk Biceps’, our close-combat expert and go-to-Stallion for when things need to get physical. He’s also our odd-job specialist when something falls outside of our normal range of skill-sets.”

“Princess Luna, Princess Twilight, a pleasure to finally meet you.” The Stallion, with his white coat, massive body and oddly tiny hooves and wings, smiled warmly and bowed low, chuckling as Twilight and Spike gave him bug-eyed looks of shock. “The ‘YEAAAAH!’ stuff? Just an act to fool the rest of Ponyville. Makes them think I’ve got muscles between my ears too.”

“And next to him is Derpy Hooves, our aerial expert and our fire-support if things get hairy. She also handles aerial observation duties around town.” Filthy Rich pointed out the next pony, who was very familiar to Twilight and Spike, with her pale-grey coat, blonde mane, bubbles as a Cutie Mark and her infamous ‘derped’ eyes.

“Wait, wait, back that up for a second. Derpy Hooves, a Royal Agent? Why? How? I mean, she’s great, she’s a lovely Pony and Dinky literally can’t shut up about how much she loves her mom, but Derpy’s eyes …” Spike waved a claw in the air, looking utterly perplexed, while Luna and Twilight’s pupils had simply shrunken to pinpoints.

“This is why!” Derpy giggled, lifting a fore-hoof into the air and scrunching her face up. Before anyone could ask what she was doing, the room suddenly began to feel dry, and several ponies found themselves licking their lips or blinking their eyes to ease the sensations of dryness as a small cloud formed over Derpy’s upraised hoof.

Then she bopped the underside of the miniature cloud, and a small bolt of electricity shot up, leaving a small black scorch-mark on the library roof.

“Derpy Hooves is a certified vapormancer, although that’s a secret and I hope you’ll all keep it that way. Give Mrs Hooves some moisture in the air and she can whip you up anything from a cloud-bed to a fully-charged storm-cloud.” Filthy Rich chuckled as the young Drake smartened up and saluted Derpy, who giggled and saluted back, pompfing the mini-cloud against her head in the process and destroying it utterly. “I handle assignments, logistics and field support, such as providing materials the other Agents need to perform their assigned tasks or leaning on Ponies to look the other way if required. Unfortunately Time Turner and Ditch couldn’t make it today, they are both running interference for us with the sudden influx of reporters trying to snoop on yourselves, Princess Twilight, Princess Luna. Their efforts will have the reporters chasing ‘ghosts’ all day thanks to their efforts.”

“And pray tell, what do ‘Time Turner’ and ‘Ditch’ do?” Luna asked, rubbing Twilight’s back as the newest Princess flicked her gaze from Agent to Agent, silently mouthing ‘what?’ repeatedly.

“Yeah, doesn’t Time Turner maintain the town’s clock-tower? I thought he was just a watch-maker!” Spike muttered, obviously still distressed at blurting out why he thought Derpy couldn’t have been a Royal Agent.

“Time Turner is our technology expert, he keeps our gadgets from blowing up in our faces and maintains our private telegraph station for when we need to get a message to Canterlot on the double. Most of the time Vinyl Scratch can send our messages for us via Dragon’s Fire, and if a physical object needs to be sent, we rely on Derpy, but sometimes there are some messages that are too … damaging to risk with either of those methods.” The brown-coated Stallion grimaced and shrugged his shoulders. “The Nobility, as well as some of the bigger media companies for that matter, have strayed perilously close to breaking the laws on personal privacy, as you have been made painfully aware, Princess Twilight. Magical messages can be intercepted, after all, and Derp can’t just fly up to Princess Celestia and drop a parcel into her Highness’s lap. A private telegraph line allows Time Turner to deliver encoded messages safely and without risk of our identities becoming known to rogue elements within our nation.”

“Ditch is our … it’s difficult to say exactly what Ditch does in polite conversation, but let’s just say if a problem needs to disappear, or we need to keep something or somepony out of sight for a while, we call on Ditch. Otherwise, he generally keeps a low profile as he has infiltrated a nearby group to keep tabs on their antics, and if they learned he works for us he could be in a great deal of trouble.”

“And that is all of you? Seven Royal Agents? To oversee Ponyville’s safety and protect the Element Bearers?” Luna asked loudly, raising a thick eyebrow as the Royal Agents shared guilty looks before nodding. “Celestia had said she had the best team she could assemble watching over Ponyville years before Twilight came to this town, keeping an eye on the Castle of Two Sisters and the town, given that this was where I would likely reappear when my banishment ended. Forgive my doubts, but … just seven Ponies?”

“With all due respect, your Majesty, while we’re not the most combat-savvy team, we are perhaps one of the most deeply-embedded and invisible teams in the country. We also have a non-pony member in our group which attracts even more attention, and our operations is out in the boonies, no offence intended to the Element Bearers, but we are literally out in the boonies here. We were originally intended only to perform our normal duties of watching over the civilian population after all, nopony knew a damn thing about your return, only that Princess Celestia made it a priority for my team to watch the Everfree Forest for magical creatures.” Filthy Rich pointed out, frowning slightly at Luna’s tone. “Ponyville has perhaps a few hundred Ponies living here, and they all mostly know one-another. Slipping in more Royal Agents, and then trying to embed them into the community without drawing unnecessary attention to the Royal Agents already embedded here would have taken several months.”

“And then we have to factor in the biggest hurdle of all: Pinkie Diamena Pie. Every Pony who even passes through the town gets thrown a party and dragged around town until the Pink Terror feels they have found some friends, and when all the Royal Agents want to do is find a decent cover-story for themselves and hunker down to do their jobs …”

“We’ve actually had to alter the guide-book for Royal Agents in this part of Equestria, thanks to Pinkie Pie. Do not make eye-contact. Do not tell her you’re feeling down. Do not accept her offer of a party. Heck, poor Derpy and Snowflake here have to fly out of town to pick up supplies too dangerous to risk smuggling into town because Pinkie Pie has a tendency to zero in on anypony coming into town and you know she’s got no sense of personal space or restraint.” Vinyl Scratch pointed out, a wry grin on her face. “Faust knows, it took me and Octy here weeks to try and settle down into our roles in town after Pinkie Pie nabbed us and threw a surprise party with half the town present!”

“Do you have any idea how difficult it was to convince Ponies I actually came to Ponyville for peace and quiet when I live with the infamous DJ Pon-3? We actually had to make up the cover-story that we were in a relationship before Pinkie Pie would leave us alone!” Octavia added, shooting a dirty look at Vinyl, who simply grinned wider and rubbed a hoof on Octavia’s Cutie Mark, much to the embarrassment of the rest of the room.

“Hey. I’m not complaining! You know the strictest ones are the wildest under the covers!”

“Vinyl, if you do not remove that hoof and shut your mouth, you’re going to be the only mute, quadruple-amputee DJ on the club-scene.”

“Thankfully, the fact the two have always been in a purely physical relationship helped out.” Rich coughed and glared at the two Mares. Octavia sniffed and turned her head away with her muzzle in the air, and Vinyl grinned and retracted her hoof into a lazy salute. “Unfortunately, our … non-pony Agent would attract too much attention to visit today, but he is scheduled to come visit you in the next few days. Possibly when you and Luna return to the Everfree Forest? Derpy spotted you flying out of that infernal place with a wagon?”

“Yes we have some … supplies in the Everfree Forest to pick up. The tent is warded with magic designed to discourage all but the largest predators, but it is highly likely that a Chimera or a Dragon may have been drawn to the supplies we left behind in the portable hole.”

“Oh man, you’ve got to loan me that bad boy! I can think of a hell of a lot of freight-costs I’d save if I could just stuff all my gear into a portable hole and tuck it into a pocket.” Vinyl Scratch almost squee’d, bouncing on the spot till Octavia swatter her with her dark grey tail.

“I … think not. Mine is old, and the original from which all others were made. It is something of a … a personal item as well.”

“Wait, Princess Luna, are you telling me we left the original portable hole, the famous Fold of the Night Sky, tucked beneath a rock at our camp-site in the Everfree Forest?” Twilight whimpered, holding a hoof to her temple and sagging against Luna’s side as Vinyl Scratch made a similar noise of distress and sat down, hard, on the nearest couch.

“Folded up, the portable hole should be theoretically indestructible … unless it encounters a bag of holding, or maybe a rogue pocket of Wild Magic. Besides, Twilight, it is my creation. So long as it is somewhere on the continent, I will be able to sense its location.” Luna replied tartly, giving Twilight a none-too-gentle poke with a wing as the purple Princess muttered something dire under her breath. “For now, focus. I expect the Royal Agents have more important matters to deal with?”

“Yeeeeees, as a matter of fact. Last night we received a telegram from Canterlot that two very special Agents are being sent to help us … and they’re going to attract a lot of attention, attention that means there's going to be a lot of eyes on us all, and that makes me very nervous.” Filthy Rich explained, going to the door and peering out the small porthole window before blinking in surprise. “Oh. It appears Rarity has come to visit, Princess Twilight.”

“Oh no, I told them to come over this morning … should I stall while you all escape out the back?” Twilight offered, shaking her head and fluffing her wings as she tried to bring her mind back into proper focus. Today had been a doozy already …

“Actually, we do need to set up a buddy-system for the Element Bearers so they are paired with a Royal Agent, so this may be a blessing in disguise.” Rich replied, putting a hoof on the door-handle and looking back at Twilight. “With your permission, of course. As Royalty, you can override Canterlot Command’s orders.”

“…I leave the decision to Twilight. This is her town, and I will support her choices here.” Luna chipped in, nudging Twilight and grinning cheekily as Twilight shot her a dirty look.

“Gee, thanks for throwing me into the deep end, Luna. Uh … honestly, trying to keep things secret from my friends generally ends poorly, so yes, letting them know who the Royal Agents are and how things stand right now is probably for the best. Uh … my apologies in advance if Rarity goes into hysterics …”

“We’ve all read her file, your Majesty, we’re all well aware that Rarity is high-strung and prone to hysterics” Octavia sniffed dismissively, glaring at the doorway.

“… Right. Uh, best not to tell her about that, fair warning, she has a ‘thing’ about the negative aspects of her personality being known.” The purple Princess warned, walking over to Filthy Rich and cracking the door open slightly. “Hey Rarity, what’s …”

“Twilight Sparkle, you have to let me in! Our friends have gone mad and are trying to kill me!” Rarity shrieked in Twilight’s face, dancing from hoof to hoof as she scanned the sky nervously.

“… What did you do this time?” Twilight groaned, opening the door and then quickly conjuring a shield in the doorway as Rarity tried to force her way in.

“Twilight! Let me in, please!”

“Not until you tell me what is going on. I am not having Rainbow Dash knock another hole in my home because of some silly misunderstanding. Again.”

“I don’t know! Rainbow Dash keeps screaming about the apology-cake I had the Cakes make and send to Apple Acres last night, and when I ran over to Fluttershy’s place to take refuge, Fluttershy, Applejack and Zecora started throwing dildos at me and tried to run me down!”

“What.” Twilight grunted, going slightly cross-eyed as she tried to not imagine that in her mind’s eyes.

“It’s truuuuuuuue! Please, Twilight, you are my only sane friend left, you have to give me sanctuary!”

“Miss Twilight?” Twilight whipped her head around, glaring at the towel-wearing Trixie, who appeared to be levitating a hot-water bottle against her belly as she gingerly walked down the stairs. “Is it alright for the Humble and Apologetic Trixie to … you have guests?”

“Can I just have five minutes of sanity in this zoo, just once Faust, please?” Twilight muttered to herself before responding. “Not right now, Trixie, unless it’s urgent. We’re kind of in the middle of …”

“TWILIGHT! Twilight, you have to lower the barrier, she’s found me! Oh, woe is me, ruin is upon us!”

“Okay, Rarity, you need to dial it back, I am dealing with a considerable amount of … stuff … right now, so I don’t have the mental fortitude to handle this!” Twilight snapped, whipping her head back to glare at the white fashionista, who was pawing at the barrier, pouting and faux-sobbing.

There was also a faint, high-pitched whining noise that made Twilight’s ears twitch, a low sliver of noise that made her hair stand on end. A quick glance at the strange devices showed they weren’t the source of the noise, and it was only when Twilight looked back out the door she saw a black dot in the sky … growing bigger and bluer with every second.

“Is that Rainbow?” Twilight asked, rolling her eyes as Rarity blubbered and plastered herself against the barrier.

“She’s moving awful fast …” Spike pointed out as the blue dot slowly turned into Rainbow Dash, flying towards them at high-speed with a hoof out-stretched before her and both hind-legs flopping about in the wake of her passage. “Maybe we should let Rarity in, Twilight. I mean, the last time I saw Rainbow flying that fast, she was trying to pull off a Rainboom to demolish Applejack’s old barn.”

“Ple-he-he-heeeease!” Rarity added, pancaking her muzzle against the opaque barrier just inches from Twilight’s own.

“Rarity, what did you do?”

“Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii…” The faint noise grew louder, and Twilight could almost make it out now …

“Oh boy, back up against the walls, people, we’ve got Friendship incoming.” Filthy Rich shouted, running back from the doorway as the Royal Agents flattened themselves against the living wooden walls of the library, and even Luna took a few steps back from the door, no-doubt remembering her last encounter with Rarity, Rainbow Dash and Applejack.

“Oh please, Twilight, oh please oh puh-lease oh puh-huh-leeeeeease!” Rarity gibbered in a low-pitched tone, now facing the rapidly-approaching Pegasus with her back smushed up against the barrier.

“…iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii…”

“Thar she is!” Twilight grimaced as she saw Big Mac pulling a wagon with Granny Smith and the Cutiemark Crusaders in the back of it, snorting angrily as he limped towards the Library with the three teenagers in the back shaking their hooves at either Twilight or Rarity, she couldn’t tell, and tottering just a few meters behind them was Applejack, Zecora and Fluttershy, all with murder written across their faces. “Get ‘er!”

“Me or Rarity?” Twilight hollered, ignoring Rarity’s blubbering and Trixie’s hesitant ‘What’s going on?’ as the altered Unicorn came halfway down the steps.

“Twilight, MOVE!” Spike yelled, grabbing Twilight’s fore-leg and hauling her to the side of the doorway, moments before the Rainbow Dash slammed into Rarity, hoof-first into Rarity’s belly.

“…IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH!” Rainbow screamed, slamming into Rarity and punching through Twilight’s barrier with a sound not-unlike glass shattering, the two forming a rapidly-spinning ball of cyan-blue and off-white that roared into the room, bouncing up the stairs and collecting the horrified Trixie in the process before their progress was abruptly halted with a loud thump that shook half the books off their shelves, the ball of Ponies finally stopped by a very solid wall somewhere in the second level of the tree-library.

For almost a minute there was no noise at all in the library but the faint creak of the front door's hinges as it swung back and forth several times before the door was pushing back firmly by Applejack, the orange farm-mare tottering into the room with a grim expression on her face.

“Mornin’ Twi. Mornin’ Luna. Mornin’ Spike. Hey … y’all? What’s goin’ on, an’ where’s Rarity gotten to?” Applejack muttered, blinking eyes marred with large black circles under them at the additional Ponies in the room.

“Luna?” Twilight asked loudly, not bothering to shake off the terrified Drake clutching her leg as the rest of her friends pushing into her library, all in similar states to Applejack.

“Yes, Twilight?” Luna replied, nervously eyeing the motley assembly between the two Princesses.

“Would large quantities of alcohol negatively affect my Ascension?”

“…Nay.”

“Fan-tastic. That’s great news, since I have a feeling I’m going to be burning through a lot of hard cider before today is over.”