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The following is a work of parody, and is protected as Fair Use under section 17 U.S. Code § 107 of US Copyright Law. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and all affiliated characters are property of Hasbro Inc.

I own nothing. All characters, settings and other belong to their respective owners. This is purely a fan-work with no intent towards profit, slander or harm towards the characters, settings or other, or their respective owners. If the respective owners feel that this fan-work in any way, shape or form threatens or besmirches their property, please let me know so that it be can be removed asap.

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I'M NOT DEAD YET!

CHAPTER 32

“Zecora?” Twilight asked, confused, as the door was opened and the Shaman urged them inside, slamming the door shut literally on a reporter's face as the Mare charged the door to get a shot of the inside of the cottage, the muffled grunt of pain and the crunch of an expensive camera against the hardwood door a guilty pleasure to the newest Princes.

“Greetings my friends, please take a seat, Fluttershy is waiting and these reporters miss not one beat.”

“A Zebra … truly, it has been an age since I last saw one of your people.” Luna murmured, smiling down at the Shaman as she ducked her head to avoid piercing a low-hanging bird's nest with her horn. “And yes, please excuse me as I ...” The Alicorn of the Night said softly, her horn flickering with dusky blue-black magic, the air in the cottage vibrating for several seconds before the spell faded away. “...ahem, secure the cottage. Unless there is another Unicorn close to Twilight’s level out there, scrying spells will not work for a few minutes in this home.”

On one of the over-padded chairs, Fluttershy hid behind her long pink mane, fiddling a tea-cup between her hooves as the two Alicorns and her Zebra house-guest seated themselves on the other chairs, squeaking inarticulately as Zecora poured the guests their tea.

“Now, given that we have a pack of Equestria's most invasive reporters just outside the door, and my spell will not last longer than a few minutes, I suggest we cut to the chase.” Luna said after an attempt to make small-talk fell through due to Fluttershy's crippling shyness around the Lunar Princess, the butter-coloured Pegasus literally freezing up with remembering her ordeal as a model when Luna tried to broach the awkward silence by asking how she had dealt with the paparazzi. “Twilight will be casting an invisibility spell on all of us, and each of us will grab hold of the other Pony's tail. I will then lead us back to Ponyville, and we'll figure out a safe place to meet and discuss your … mysterious plan, Zecora.”

“An invisibility spell, that sounds grand, but how will we walk without if we cannot see where we stand?” Zecora asked as she and Luna stood up, and Twilight levitated the all-but-paralyzed Fluttershy out of her chair.

“It's a dome, rather than a personal spell. When we're inside it, we'll be able to see each other and see out, but nobody will be able to see in. That said, anypony or anything that enters the dome will instantly see us, and the spell is ridiculously easy to dispel if you know what to look for.” Twilight explained, shaking the rigid Fluttershy a few times to see if she would 'unlock' from her posture of terrified shyness. “Also, our tracks will be visible, as well as any other environmental changes we make. So we'll have to stay on the grass and stay quiet, but at least we'll be able to get out of sight of the paparazzi, and then we can move faster, I hope.”

“Not much of a plan, but those ponies just won't quit. I do know of one place where we can talk, but I fear it might be a tight fit!”

“Honestly, Zecora, right now I'm open to just about any suggestion you've got.” The purple Princess sighed, charging her horn to cast the spell, which appeared slowly, making Twilight disappear an inch at a time before the dome expanded over the other Ponies. “Alright girls, let's do this. Let's just hope Applejack and Rainbow Dash can keep Trixie out of trouble until we get home.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So … we're just gonna spend the day kicking back?” Spike asked in a bemused tone as the three Mares eyed each other over their cards, a pile of bottle-tops and knick-knacks from Twilight's kitchen piled between them, the Mares sitting around a folding table in Twilight's basement to get away from the thundering snores that filled the library above them.

“Spike, Twilight said to keep an' eye on you an' Trixie till she got back from Fluttershy's place. An' tha's just what we're gonna do.” Applejack replied tartly, pushing a bottlecap into the pile in the middle of the table. “Ah'll raise you both a cap.”

“Damn, AJ, how can somepony who can't lie to save her own skin be so good at poker?” Rainbow Dash muttered angrily, looking at her cards, the smug look on Trixie's face, and the inscrutable expression on Applejack's mug. “Have you been taking lessons from Big Mac?”

“Ah ain't lost a game of poker since ah was Applebloom's age, an' ah sure ain't gonna lose to you, Rainbow Dash, an' most certainly not to miss 'ties-people-up-with-their-own-rope' over here neither!” The farm-pony muttered, a tight grin on her face as the other two Mares groaned and put their cards down on the table in defeat.

“Trixie is so very glad she has no bits to bet. Trixie believes that you would make Trixie a beggar simply to pay her back for her past foolishness.” Trixie moaned, patting a hoof on her new golden torc as her 'demonic' tail swished back and forth across the polished wooden floors.

“Seriously, we have got to get Twilight to cast that cloud-walking spell on your hooves. Next friday is a poker-night at the Wonderbolts Auxillary Stables, and we can make a small fortune fleecing the rubes.”

“Ah am not helpin' you rip-off your fellow trainees, Rainbow Dash! That jus' 'aint right, tha's just downright mean even.”

“Pfft, like Thunderlane and Cloudkicker ever do anything useful with their money! I'm doing them a favour, by giving it to a better cause! Me!”

“An' what about Bulk Biceps? You gonna take his bits? What with him havin' to take care of lil' Feathweight after spendin' all his bits getting himself an' his lil' colt out to Ponyville to get away from his Ex an' her family in Cloudsdale?

“Uuuuuugh, no, he never shows up to these kind of things anyways, he's either off playing with his kid or competing at those stupid muscle-shows. And yeah, I remember hearing about how he'd moved to an Earth Pony town so his kid wouldn't get mocked for being … well, a featherweight.”

“Give it up, Rainbow Dash. Applejack's got you smoked, and can you imagine the lecture if Twilight caught you trying to use a friend to earn bits?” Spike said loudly, glaring at the blue Pegasus over his comic. “Bad enough we're having to sit here in the basement just to be able to talk to each other without being drowned out by the Guards' snoring, but now you're begging …”

“I do not beg! That is so uncool!”

“... begging Applejack to come along on an adventure that you know is going to make Twilight start lecturing us all into the ground?”

“Twilight lectures? Does she do it in a tight mini-skirt and a white cotton blouse with half-moon glasses?” Trixie muttered, blushing, horn flickering as she reinforced her 'Tuck' spell before shuddering at the sudden intrusion of foreign magic from Canterlot.

“Ahm gonna pretend ah didn't hear that, Trixie. But Spike's got a point, sugar-cube, ya'll know how this'll end: We'll go up, rake in the bits an' then have to deal wit' Twilight preachin' at us, an' then a Friendship-Letter to the Princess 'bout what we learned ...” The farm-pony grunted and pulled the pile of her 'winnings' towards herself, then divided it into three equal piles and pushed two of them back to the other Mares. “Haven't we been through this mess enough a'ready?”

“Faust, you are so BORING. Fiiiiine … but seriously, one day we are going to Las Pegasus and you are going to make some. Big. Bucking. Bits.” Rainbow Dash muttered darkly, taking the cards and shuffling them with her wing-feathers as she sorted her 'stash' of bottle-tops and knick-knacks with her fore-hooves.

“Maybe. Now, Spike, I need you to mosey on outta here, 'cause ah've got questions fer Trixie here.” Applejack grunted, eyeing the blue-coated Unicorn sternly. “An' it's girl-questions, y'hear?”

“Uhm ...” Spike mumbled, peeking his eyes over the top of his comic again. “Twilight asked me to ...”

“An' ah'm tellin' yah to git!”

“Good enough!” Spike saluted the glowering Farm-Pony nervously, leaping to his feet and taking the steps up out of the basement two at a time.

“Now, Trixie … uhm … gawsh this is ...” Applejack's stern expression rapidly turned into a red and embarrassed mask, pulling her hat down over her eyes. “Look, Trixie, ah hate to ask this, but ah saw somethin' … odd … when Luna pulled you outta the Library earlier. A bit of black fur an' … an' stuff between your hind-legs.”

An awkward silence grew, Applejack keeping her hat over her eyes, blushing furiously, while Rainbow Dash and Trixie eyed each other and slowly turned pink.

“Uh, yeah Applejack, that's an urban legend. Mares don't have dicks, it just doesn't happen.” Rainbow Dash snorted, chortling before her laughter gave way to a painful silence as Trixie all but cringed. “No ...”

“It is … what drew Trixie to that Fiend, Sunset. Trixie could feel the attraction, the sensation of being near one of her own kind. Trixie can … feel … others of her kind, like an itch that won't go away, when we are close enough to one another.” Trixie mumbled, turning neon pink from embarrassment and shame as Applejack nodded, and Rainbow Dash's jaw almost reached the floor. “Trixie did not realise that Sunset was also a demon, or else Trixie would never have let the Fiend into her bed, or led her back to Ponyville.”

“An Twi' says you might be … infectious?” Applejack mumbled, her hat still pulled down low.

“Trixie does not believe she is, but Miss Twilight and Princess Luna are both concerned that Trixie may bear a lingering … lingering taint from when Trixie had been deceived by the Succuponi.” The show-mare replied after another awkward silence. “They believe only if Trixie were to have intercourse would any … any infection be spread to the partner, not by mere proximity.”

“Ah see. Well, thanks fer clearin' that up for me, Trixie. Wasn't quite sure 'bout how things stood.” The Farm-Mare said loudly, still blushing with her hat over her face. “Given some … uh … some of the things Twi' said was in that Scroll, ah was a lil' worried that ya'll might be turnin' Mares around yah into more a' them perm-afro-dykes jus' standin' there. Ah ain't got no idea 'bout magical Unicorn stuff like this … goes right over mah head, really.”

“Wait … just wait a minute! Are you saying that our Twi', our bookish, never-had-a-coltfriend can't-look-at-an-issue-of-Playcolt-without-bleeding-from-the-nose Twi, has a spell that gives Mares dicks ...” Rainbow Dash asked loudly, wings pointing straight up into the air and a look of stunned amazement spreading across her face, followed by a goofy grin. “That … do either of you realise just how much fun that could be? No more strap-ons that don't work right, no more expensive toys to have to maintain … that'd be awesome. And yours retracts, right Twixie?”

“It is Trixie ...” The Show-Mare retorted with a huff, crossing her legs together under the table. “A-and yes, it can be hidden with the right spe ...”

“Cool, whatever, find me that scroll then, Twerpie, and cast that voodo that you do so well on me. I can think of a few handy uses for a real, live, throbbing ...”

“Ye're a bit too wound up there, Rainbow. Cool down, alright?” Applejack pulled her hat away from her face and whacked the rainbow-maned pegasus with it. “The last thing Equestria needs is ya'll spreadin' some dickmare curse 'round cause yer tryin' to prove somethin'!”

“What, that I'm twenty percent more awesome than any other lover?”

“Rainbow, ah'm jus' sayin' tha' maybe ya'll need to go take a cold shower. An' Miss Trixie, ah'm sorry fer askin' an' makin' ya'll embarrassed, it's jus' been preyin' on mah mind.” Applejack nodded her head to Trixie even as she continued smacking a protesting Rainbow Dash with her hat. "Ah got a lil' sister, an' the thought o' her bein' cursed an' turned into a perm-afro-dyke plum got me scared."

“Ugh, fine.” Rainbow Dash grunted, stepping out of range and heading to the stairs that would take her up to the library-proper.

“An' where do y'think you're going?” Applejack shouted at her, plopping her beloved hat back on her head.

“Like you said, a cold shower.” Rainbow snapped back, flicking her tail around with a wicked grin on her face as Trixie flushed and hunched down over the table. “An' then we're looking for this scroll of Twilight's.”

For several moments neither Applejack or Trixie spoke, just staring at Rainbow Dash's rapidly disappearing back, and then the stairwell, before Applejack yelped in surprise as the bottle-caps and knick-knacks they had used in their card-game started to spill into her lap, the folding table having mysteriously raised itself off the floor at Trixie's end.

“Gah! Trixie, what happened?” Applejack spluttered, trying to push the knick-knacks back onto the folding table with little success, Trixie leaning heavily on her end of the table to try and push it back down.

“Uh … nothing, nothing at all.” Trixie replied with a panicked smile on her face, grimacing as she leaned heavily on her end of the table as if in pain. “But perhaps it is in everypony's best interests if Trixie takes the shower as soon as your Pegasus friend is done.”