Author's Notes:

The Usual Disclaimer:

The following is a work of parody, and is protected as Fair Use under section 17 U.S. Code § 107 of US Copyright Law. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and all affiliated characters are property of Hasbro Inc.

I own nothing. All characters, settings and other belong to their respective owners. This is purely a fan-work with no intent towards profit, slander or harm towards the characters, settings or other, or their respective owners. If the respective owners feel that this fan-work in any way, shape or form threatens or besmirches their property, please let me know so that it be can be removed asap.

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The return of Zecora and her infernal rhyming, as well as some more Celesticord.

Still no clop.

*Evil laughter and mustache twirling abound*

Soon, soon, I promise! Really! PUT DOWN THOSE PITCHFORKS! AAAUGH!

CHAPTER 28

It was days like today that Celestia found herself grateful beyond words to the Castle Staff.

Getting Sunset Shimmer into the Castle had been a nightmare with the media out in force and the jilted Nobility she had sent running before coming running to demand she attend to their demands before anything else happened.

Knots of Nobles were diverted down corridors that would force them to take round-about routes back to Celestia by packs of maids dusting ‘in ranks’ in the halls, the reporters had buckets of soapy water tipped on them ‘by accident’ and were then dragged away to the Royal Baths to be cleaned up, and generally anypony that tried to get in Celestia’s way found themselves tangled up in what amounted to a flurry of cleaning.

Definitely giving everypony in the cleaning division another thank-you present at the end of the month. Celestia thought, smiling even as her body ached with the desire to rest. Flying all the way to Ponyville at top speed, and then being bounced around in the armored wagon guarding the comatose Sunset Shimmer had not done her any favours, immortal body or not. I am going to be unable to move my wings at all tomorrow … and I do not need any more stress today. Once I get the word that Sunset is safely locked within the Cell of Ultimate Confinement by the fresh Mages who were waiting for us at the train-station, and the P.R. Department gives me the final version of my ‘speech’ for tomorrow’s press-conference, I’m going to hunker down in my room, order five buffet-tables of cake and a few bottles of something alcoholic, and go back to bed to watch something sappy. I’m going to have a hell of a day tomorrow when the media decides to turn this into a three-ring circus …

And then there’s Chrysalis surrendering as well. We’ll … put her in the North-Wing of the castle, under tight surveillance and heavy guard. And keep Cadence and Shining in the South-Wing … also with heavy guard presence. I would not put it past the Changelings to make a hostage-gambit, and the report on Cadence’s mental state from the therapists did state she has a host of issues with Changelings still.

“Your Highness.” One of the Butlers approached Celestia as she slowly made her way to her quarters. “My deepest apologies, but we need you to assist us … it appears that Discord has set up residence in Luna’s quarters.”

An irrational flash of jealousy, and then a surge of fear about what Discord could possibly be up to in Luna’s personal rooms, surged through Celestia. Odds were it was going to be a prank of some epic kind, and the last thing anypony needed was Luna chasing Discord through the halls, covered in GAK or turned into a Dragon again, but a small, primitive part of Celestia’s mind tried to tell her Discord was ‘upgrading’ to a younger Mare, irrational and petty as it sounded.

“Oh of course. Please, lead on.” Celestia sighed gustily and followed after the butler, hoping nopony was noticing how her wings drooped or how her mane and tail ‘flowed’ sluggishly.

All she wanted was to go into her room and calm down, but nooooo, there was always another disaster, another problem that needed the Princess’s direct intervention.

We actually haven’t … talked … about where our relationship is going. Celestia mused as her hooves clacked on the cold marble tiles of the palace floor. I don’t think Discord would want an out-and-out relationship … but is that all it is? Physical affection? Just an outlet for us both? Comfort for our loneliness?

And Celestia’s mind went back to Pinkie Pie’s unexplained teleportation into her bedroom.

“So that’s how Equestria was made!”

Perhaps a quick trip to the Royal Physician tomorrow for a discreet check would not be a bad idea. I would dearly love a child, but … an Alicorn like myself and a Chimera like Discord? Are we even biologically compatible in that regard? Does Discord’s chaotic nature make us conceiving together more or less likely?

Would Discord even want to be a father? Would my Ponies ever accept the child … I could not bear to bring a child into this world and have it despised by my little Ponies.

“Here, your Majesty. I apologise for this, but given who it is, where he is and what he is doing, we felt the best solution was to have as few individuals involved as possible.”

Well, doesn’t that sound just positively damning!

“I … see. Do you know what is going on in there?” Celestia asked softly, putting a hoof to the door-handle and giving the butler a searching look. “What exactly am I walking into here?”

“Only one of the maids saw Discord enter the room, went in after him and then ran out, screaming something about ‘the forbidden closet’ and Discord laughing hysterically.” The butler replied, looking rather nervously at the door. “Apparently Princess Luna extracted an oath from the Head-Maid to never go into her closet, and it’s become something of a ‘haunted mystery’ to the Maids.”

“A haunted what-now?”

“Apparently the rumors say the closet contains a shrine to a foal Luna was pregnant with when she was possessed by the Nightmare Spirit and lost when she was banished to the moon, or that it’s the secret entrance to her lair where she plots world domination and is building an army of the Undead, or she found an entrance to another reality where monstrous creatures and the souls of the damned lie in wait for any fool to break the Princess’s decree and enter the forbidden zone.”

“… Nnngh. No, I know precisely what Discord has found, and the closet is just that, an ordinary walk-in-closet, though that said, I would prefer if the maids remained out of there, purely to appease Luna.” The Solar Princess sighed and opened the door a crack, noting that the blinds had been pulled up and the windows opened to allow the room to air. Good. At least the maids are cleaning the rest of the room! The last thing I need is for Luna’s quarters to be considered ‘haunted’ or cursed because of their occupant! “Please ask the Ponies to keep their distance for the next few minutes, I expect Discord to have one of his better pranks lined up for the first person to go into Luna’s room. Oh, and ask the Head-Maid to have a bath drawn for me, just in case it involves banana-cream pies or chocolate rain.”

“As you wish, your Majesty.” The butler bowed and began trotting backwards, head still lowered in deference.

Oh-kaaaay.

Pushing the door open slowly, Celestia forced her fatigue and irritation down, looking for a clue for the prank no doubt awaiting her or Luna.

Instead, all she saw was the blankets lifted off of Luna’s bed, and Discord’s tail flicking back and forth from under the bed.

“Oh my, oh my, Luna, I never knew!”

Shall I prank the pranker? Or just see what he’s up to? Celestia wondered, creeping up on the flicking tail, closing the door to Luna’s room behind her with her magic. Discord is probably bored from not being able to cause ‘enough’ chaos, so probably some pranking is in order.

Celestia dropped down into a crouch, opening her mouth slightly and waiting for the right moment, before lunging and ‘mouthing’ Discord’s tail from the side, just before the tuft of fur on the very tip of the extremity, causing Discord to yelp in surprise, his head shooting up into the air.

“Well hello there, Discord.” Celestia gave a small grin, letting Discord’s tail pop out of her mouth as she walked up to Luna’s bed and crawled across it to stare down at Discord, who had what appeared to be … picture books, or were they comics? Yes, some sort of comic in his paws. “What have you got there?”

“Celestia … did … did you just prank me?” Discord said in a strangled voice, covering the open pages of the comic with his lion-paw.

“Well, I know you’ve been doing your best to fit in and befriend Ponies, so I thought it would only be fair, as your friend, to try and play with you in turn.” Celestia offered, feeling a surge of relief as Discord’s look of surprise spread into a broad grin, his muzzle bumping hers for a few moments as the two Immortals enjoyed a simple moment together. “What are you reading? I thought Luna detested comics?”

“Oh Celestia my dear, these are not comics, these are manga. Stories from Neighpone, actually.” Discord said, still grinning, as a disembodied eagle-claw dragged another of the strange, book-like comics out from under Luna’s bed and deposited it in-front of Celestia. The cover seemed to be some sort of winged Pony with impossibly long, spikey hair and an outrageously too-tight outfit.

A quick flick through the first few pages seemed to tell the story of a plain, almost cripplingly shy Mare going through high-school in Neighpone, being bullied because she was not athletically skilled and was less than endowed, physically, with ‘female charms’, being over-looked by the Stallions and coming home to an empty house until a …

“Wait, that Pony on the cover is a Stallion?” Celestia muttered out loud, going back to the front cover, then back to the first page when the ‘title-Stallion’ appeared. He looked far too … effeminate?

“They’re just too cute for words, right? All these stories about Mares and Stallions in situations totally out of their control, all these fantasies about being rescued or finding somepony absolutely stunning to save them or make them feel worthy …” Discord chortled as he went back to reading the comic beneath his paw. “I wonder, did Luna pick up these manga because she enjoyed the stories, or because she identified with the Ponies in them?”

That rocked Celestia, emotionally at least. She had noticed that Luna struggled to make friends, and that Ponies seemed to hold Luna at arm’s length at best before that Nightmare Night in Ponyville. Even now, however, Ponies within Canterlot and the other, bigger cities seemed to cling to a very negative image that had its origins more in the media’s insatiable hunger for ‘gripping’ stories than any effort on Luna’s behalf to drive them away.

The thought that Luna, with all her power, might feel personally weak and vulnerable was not new to Celestia, but it was a phase that the Solar Princess had thought her younger sister had gotten past already.

“And you say you found these … mang-hah under Luna’s bed, Discord?”

“In her closest, actually.”

“Really? Well, I would have thought she … wait, where in the closet?”

“Oh, you know, behind a cunningly crafted false wall where Luna has been storing every game made by Ponykind, and even a few Minotaur and Griffon ones, and that horrid box full of terrible things.”

“…Oh. So you …”

“Found it, yes. And have been filling my mind with girly-comics to try and purge the memory from my mind.”

“… Oh …”

For close to a minute, there was only the sounds of Celestia shifting awkwardly on the bed, trying desperately to come up with some sort of method to make the situation less awkward, and Discord steadfastly reading his ‘comic’.

“I … have to apologise, Discord. Those technically aren’t Luna’s, ermmmm, toys, so to speak.”

“Celestia, I know that you are many things, but the sort of Pony that would hide a box large enough to fit two Ponies inside, filled with sex-toys and devices who functions I don’t even want to think about, inside your own sister’s closet?” Discord said in a light voice, even as uncontrollable shudders moved up and down his neck. “No, no those are Luna’s, no doubt about it. I suppose it’s my own fault, considering she had wrapped the box in several cases worth of duct-tape and built a false wall to hide it behind, but still … it’s always the ones you least expect, isn’t it?”

“Ah … you’re half-right. You see, before Luna was possessed, she had become very … depressed about love and relationships. The Royal Consorts she was forced to take to help keep political stability in Equestria were more interested in political power than sharing their lives with her, and more than once she came running into my chambers in tears after finding them rutting her very own maids in their marriage-bed.” Celestia explained awkwardly, pushing a big fold of sheets between her fore-hooves and kneading it with her hooves as she spoke, unable to look at Discord out of embarrassment. “After she found the last of her Consorts bragging to his brothers how easy it was to make Luna withdraw from Court if they upset her, and thus allow the Nobles to push through their own amendments without her around to use her veto powers … Luna snapped.”

“Oh dear. I mean, I’m new to this whole ‘sex’ thing, but there seems to be a massive amount of emotional stuff tied to it, isn’t there?”

“Especially for the Mare, or female, yes Discord, there is.” Celestia sighed, hestitating for a moment as she felt Discord join her on Luna’s bed and put his bat-wing over her barrel. “Well, needless to say, I wish I had been paying more attention to Luna’s problems instead of … well, I suppose we were both too upset with the situation at our hooves to pay attention to each other. Luna took a week from Court, gathered the best scholars of the time and ensconced herself in the Royal Archives for a week before calling for a Moot, which forced every Clan in the nation to send at least one member to be a witness.”

“In front of what amounted to the entire nation, Luna publicly outed every transgression of her Royal Consorts and invoked her Right of Crown, citing their unfaithfulness to her also meant they lacked the loyalty to their people needed for such a high rank. As punishment, the Royal Consorts were gelded in public, the Maids they had been rutting with were placed under a curse that would render them barren as punishment for betraying their master, and the entire Clans of all the offending parties were exiled from Equestria as punishment for the actions of their family-members and a warning to the other Clans that they would be held accountable for the actions of their own kinsponies.”

Celestia looked up to see Discord looking at her with bulging eyes and his mouth silently moving.

“Legally, she was within her rights to have the Consorts gelded and exiled, as a Royal Consort swears a binding oath to take nopony but their Princess into their bed upon pain of death when they take up the position, but Luna did abuse her Right of Crown when she exiled the families of the Ponies who had wronged her.” Celestia explained, reaching out with a forehoof for Discord’s paw, which felt very cold and clammy. “That said, the Ponies at the Moot argued that her punishments were far too severe until Luna ‘dropped’ the Moon to just a few miles above the Moot and let the ‘gravity’ of the situation sink in. She then gave an hour-long speech, and used the Royal Canterlot Voice with a great deal of passion at that, about the virtues of loyalty and fidelity that the Pegasi, Unicorns and Earth Ponies had made such a fuss about to her Thestrals, and why it was a very poor idea for married Ponies to cheat on their partners, especially since Luna could see their dreams and would be taking a personal interest in such matters in the foreseeable future. After that, we saw a remarkable decline in feuds between the Clans over their Nobles playing swords-and-sheaths with each-other’s wives, but Luna also went from the ‘Lesser’ Sister to the ‘Feared’ Sister, as well as souring her own view on physical and romantic relationships.”

“Oh bother. So how does this tie into the box of horrors?” Discord asked, his lion’s paw wrapping around Celestia’s hoof in turn, even if it was still cold and sweaty.

“Luna … chose to deny herself her ‘womanhood’ after that, claiming that it was too painful to risk allowing one of the Nobility into her life in such a fashion, after which she used a rather dangerous spell to trick her body into ‘denying’ her own estrus. So when she came back with me to Canterlot after being purified of the Nightmare Spirit’s influence, I had no idea if the spell she had cast had failed or if she had kept it going. Or if it had failed on the moon and she had spent the past thousand years sculpting moon-rock into … various shapes.” Celestia paused for an awkward laugh. “Sooo … I asked a decorated officer in the Royal Guard to discreetly go to the Red Lantern Street and see what he could procure for a Mare who ‘had not had a lover in quite some time’. And he came back with that box, handed me the receipt and swore that he’d rather spend the next decade on the Gryphon/Pony border than set one hoof into that part of town again.”

“And her response was to … wrap the box and all its contents in enough duct-tape to immobilize an angry Orc and personally create a rather impressive fake wall to hide it behind.” The Aspect of Chaos muttered, turning his long neck to look at the closet with an expression of wary amusement.

“Luna has always been rather … well, I know that a long period of abstinence by a Mare can make them rather … demanding in the bedroom …”

“I would never have noticed.” Discord muttered, his bat-wing giving Celestia a little squeeze, which made her giggle.

“I am sorry! Well, I knew Luna would be unable to approach anypony so soon, especially not after the whole Nightmare Moon debacle, so I thought that perhaps the toys would help ease the physical side of things. And I never asked if they were used because … well, she’s my sister, and there are things I really, really don’t want to know about my sister.”

“So why don’t we just take the box and throw it into a lake somewhere? From the way it was wrapped up and hidden away, I doubt that Luna has any interest in what the box contains!”

“Because … Luna has asked for the box to be delivered to where she is staying … with Twilight.”

“So the Pink Demon was right then? Your little sister and your student have tumbled out of the closet together then?”

“It is merely a side-effect of their Sympathy, Discord. And I fear, when they master the Sympathy and they are no longer drawn into each other’s hooves … how will they react to each other, after all that they have shared?” Celestia sighed, sagging against Discord as she felt all the stress and burdens that had been building up come rushing to the front of her mind. “How will we handle ourselves when you tire of me, Discord? How will my Ponies react when they hear that one Princess is sharing her life with the Aspect of Chaos, and the other two are entwined?”

“Let them.” Discord said softly, his tail creeping up to curl around Celestia’s hind-quarters and trap her against him. “I am Chaos, Celestia. I could be at your side a thousand years from now, I might be pulled away tomorrow. You might grow tired of me, or your Ponies may grow to love me as … it-it’s just something we’re going to have to take one step at a time.”

“That … I can handle that. You know I will not ask you to go against your nature, Discord.” Celestia murmured, enjoying the rare experience of leaning on somebody, both physically and emotionally, her own wing sneaking across Discord’s slender, serpentine form to return the hug, before she reluctantly untangled herself from Discord and rose to her hooves. “That said, I am due for a bath, then a few hours to recover myself in my quarters. I can promise cake and alcohol, Discord.”

“Cake, booze and fine company? How could I say no?” Discord chuckled, snapping a claw, and within seconds the bed was made, albeit back-to-front, and Luna’s mangas had been neatly stacked at her bedside, although in no particular order.

“I will see you then, Discord.” Celestia said, smiling as she leaned down to plant a kiss on Discord’s forehead before leaving the room with a spring in her step. Finally, something has gone right.

The bath was quick, and Celestia allowed herself a mental pat on the back, as cleaning up before a few hours with Discord in the privacy of her chambers would certainly make things more pleasant for all parties involved. Also the privacy of the baths put off all but the most outrageous petitioners, such as a hoof-ful of Nobles who had managed to dodge her staff and crashed into the Royal Baths demanding that Celestia answer their questions about the ‘incident’ in Ponyville, only for Celestia to rise from her bath, covered in suds and with her mane and tail dripping wet and clinging to her body, steam rising from her fur.

“Gentleponies, do you really want that question right now?” She had asked, giving them a very stern look that gave way to helpless laughter as all of the assembled Stallions took one look at their Princess, immediately went cross-legged and excused themselves from the Royal Baths, blushing furiously.

That’s one way to get some privacy! Celestia thought to herself as she quickly rinsed and dried off, slipped back into her shoes, torc and crown and left a message with her Maids to have the promised cake and booze sent to her rooms for ‘a long brain-storming session on how to handle the press tomorrow’.

And then Celestia teleported, wincing as she rematerialized in her room, her vision swimming and her horn pounding. A trace of wetness trickled down her face, and Celestia grimaced, knowing full well it was blood once again.

Discord appeared mere minutes later, bearing what appeared to be a number of unmarked dvd-boxes under one arm and a bouquet of white chocolate-covered roses.

It was, Celestia thought, a nice gesture, even if enough cake to feed a small army was on the way from the kitchens. Although she would admit to more than a little trepidation over movies picked by Discord.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Fluttershy, please, please you must! Tell me more, my silence you can trust!” Zecora begged, tugging on the Pegasi’s hair eagerly as Fluttershy, pink-faced, tended to the animals that lived inside her house. “A real life hermaphrodite is quite neat! Her seed for my potions would be quite the treat!”

“Z-zecora, you are not seriously suggesting … milking the poor pony?” Rarity stammered, turning mildly pink in the face in turn as she watched the Zebra badger her friend. “I’m not sure that’s wise, given that Twilight believes the pony in question could very well be … infectious, so to speak! There was a fiend involved, after all… ”

“With my hoof I would gather what I need! I would not use my treasure to capture the seed!” Zecora shot back, grinning like the cat that found the cream.

“And if your potions turn the poor Ponies who take them into hermaphrodites, or worse still, into Succuponies?”

“Doubtful it would be, for the potions to do that, but first I must know who, so the right Pony I might contact.”

“I … think you will have to wait for Twilight to finish her tests … if you don’t mind, that is.” Fluttershy interjected, putting the half-empty bag of bird-seed down and looking pitifully at Rarity. “Both Twilight and Princess Luna were adamant that we weren’t to make any form of ‘physical’ contact with Tr … with the Pony until they had made sure she was entirely benign and couldn’t corrupt other Ponies the way she had been.”

“But Fluttershy, the potions I make could make would sell for a small fortune, bits I will need to repair my home and replenish my stock!” The Zebra protested, a hint of desperation in her voice. “Please, please, won’t you two change your tune? I must have those bits or else I will be fresh out of luck!”

“Zecora, there’s really nothing we can do! Twilight’s insistent that nopony makes any form of … contact … with the hermaphrodite until she can test the pony for signs of Demonic taint, and Luna … well, let us just say that Luna is only allowing the pony to stay with them so that she may keep an eye on her, or smite her the moment she does something ‘fiendish’.” Rarity sighed and got up to give the Zebra a hug, making a squeak of protest as the exotic Shaman returned the hug with bone-crushing force. “Perhaps if you asked Twilight if you could assist her, and explained your situation, she might be willing to help you make ends meet? I mean, even Applejack has finally swallowed her pride and asked Celestia to send her the reward for all our efforts as the Bearers of the Elements, and she is the most stubborn Mare I know.”

“Some of my reagents are difficult to find, under Equestrian law a rare few might attract a fine. I have no doubt that Twilight would save my bacon, but the ingredients would give her heart-palpitations!” The Zebra sighed and let go of Rarity to go sit back on the couch and mope. “A few more days yet till my house is aired out, but the orders will not wait, and my customers are not easy to placate.”

“I’ve been … meaning to ask, Zecora. Who exactly buys your potions?” The yellow Pegasus asked softly after a short, awkward silence, the two Ponies sharing unhappy looks as the Zebra sat despondently on Fluttershy’s over-stuffed couch. “I mean, the Everfree Forest is quite scary to most Ponies … how many customers can you get?”

“Several Ponies come every month, paid by their patrons to collect my wares, and the other races come as well, all of them eager to buy their share. Diamond Dogs and Dragons and rogue Gryphons too, many come to barter for my special brews.” Zecora explained, her eyebrows rising into her mane as Rarity lifted a hoof to her mouth in shock. “So surprising is it that the other races come, to the self-same Zebra that your town once hid from?”

“No, you’re a talented alchemist and shaman, but could you explain what you mean by ‘rogue Gryphons’, Zecora?” The white Unicorn asked, looking very worried. “Specifically, what they are paying you for?”