Starlight in a Broken Vessel

by the-pieman

Chapter 132: He who is without sin, the last to be stoned... or something

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He who is without sin, the last to be stoned... or something

So, like, I realized there’s no doorknob on Twilight’s tree-house. Hey, wait, she’s living in a treehouse... man, I wish I could live in a treehouse.

I walk inside and I see that super weird statue thingy on the table. Dude, that’s just cool. I mean, it looks like a carving of a horse head, but not like a pony horse. What if there’s like some super ancient race of these guys and they used to be horses but they just... stopped being horses? I go up and touch it but after a while, I notice something big and purple. “Anthony! Are you alright? You haven’t heard a word I’ve said. Are you sick again?”

“Woah... talking horse... Wait, nevermind... heya Twi, got any uh... uh... what was I here for?” I sniff once, and catch the delicious smell of food. Holy shit, there’s apples on the table. Must be magic.

“Anthony... are you sure you’re alright? What happened?”

I think for a moment... “Rarity... and then... something about a pelican? Idunno.”

“Okay, you are acting way too weird, I’m going to see what this is all about. You stay here and I’ll be back. Don’t touch anything!”

I boop her on the nose. “Toooooouch.” Oh my god, that thing I just did was hilarious!

I can’t stop giggling, and then I see Spike. He’s kinda like a dinosaur, but he’s got longer arms. So he’s not a tyrannosaur. Hey, I remembered the name! that’s awesome!

He’s like a dinosaur. A small, purple dinosaur. “Oh my god, somebody shrunk Barney! What’d they do to you, dude?”

“Wait, who? What?”

“Wait, I know how to fix this... a song! I love you, you love me, we’re one big happy.. happy... uh... hey man, you got any nachos?”

“No... but I could make some?” Man, when he scrunches up his face in confusion, he’s super-adorable.

“No I’m not!” Woah... he can read minds.

“Actually, you’re talking out loud, perfectly normally.” Spike looks so confused. It’s so funny.

“Dude! What am I thinking of right now!?” Oh man, if he guesses ‘pie’...

“I’m going to go make those nachos... you’re kinda scaring me.” The little Barney shuffles sideways into the kitchen.



Are books edible? I gotta try. I mean, you can cook ‘em, right? I grab something off the shelf and bite into it’s binding... super chewy, needs tenderizing.


Aww, now I have a headache. It’s, like, throbbing, but I can hear it. I turn to the noise. “Wow... two talking horses...”

“Rarity, fix him!”

“Now, now, darling, there’s no need to be, wassaword, hasty. Hey, do you have any nachos?”

I can see chocolate on Twilight’s muzzle. I wonder if I could just lick it off. It looks tasty, even with all that fur all over it.

“What the heck are you doing!?”

“I like chocolate...” Huh, so I can lick it off her face. Hey, I can see the ceiling! There’s lights up there! I think it’s sunlight. And it’s pretty!

“You know what would be weird? If the sun was blue! I mean, how would you tell if it was out or not, cuz the sky is blue. Or how would you tell night from day? Maybe it’s day that’s dark, and we just don’t realize it?”

“That- that makes no sense!”

“No, no, darling, I think he’s on to something. I think it’s the couch.”

“What?” Twilight looks so bamboozled. Heh, ‘bamboozled. I like that word.

“It’s like bamboo, but... with a Canadian ‘Z’ or somthin’”

“I- I’m going to go sit down.” Twilight says, holding her head with a hoof.

“You know, you ponies walk funny. I mean, Why do you have four legs? Do you not need hands or something? Dude, my hand is amazing!” I splay out my fingers, and start moving it closer and further from my face. It’s like it’s moving, but it’s not moving from the middle of my vision. Moving without moving. So cool...

“Wow... my head feels funny.”

I look over at Twilight, how her nose is, like, an inch away from her face. How does that work? “Your head looks funny...” I am the funniest person alive! I can’t stop laughing.

Eventually Twilight stops being a buzzkill. As she starts loosening up, I make a startling discovery, one of titanic proportions: I have cheese on my fingers, and there’s an empty plate covered in cheese, but no nachos. Who stole all the nachos?!

“Wait, guys! This... this is important!” Twilight says, waving her arms around. “What if we can’t actually read, and we just imagine what the words in books say? Like, our brain tells us what we want to read and that’s what we see? All the letters are just... scribbles.”

“Woah... That’s deep.” I say, but I hear a gasp from little Barney. Wait, why am I calling Spike Barney? That’s so weird. Man... I wonder what’s up? Like, above the things? The sky? Woah, what if this magic world just stops, and it’s all in a soap bubble? Man... that’d be terrible. The universe could pop!

I make a popping noise with my mouth. Twilight and Rarity giggle. So I make the noise again. They giggle again. With a smile, I proceed to bring them to roaring laughter by making all kinds of mouth sounds! This is so awesome.

“What the heck is going on with you guys? You’re all acting like total idiots! What’s gotten into you all?” Spike yells from the kitchen door.

Twilight opens her mouth a few times, and she finally says something I can totally agree with. “Spiiiike... you need to chill, everything’s cool...”

Rarity says ‘Totally’ at the same time I do, Oh my god, it’s like we have a psychic link! Dude, I’m psychic!

“Hey, now all I need is a lightsaber! I’m a Jedi!” I think for a bit. “Woah, what if Star Wars is real, and it’s just history! They’re not writing it, they’re uncovering it in some mystic ruin nobody’s found yet!?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Twilight says. “However, I think it’s totally right. And maybe left.”

Spike just stares at Twilight, like she grew another head. What if she did, and only he can see it! He can already read minds... woah, I just realized something! Spike is magic! That means...

“Dude, Spike... what if you’re actually Twi’s kid. Like, biologically. She hatched you ‘cuz she’s literally your mom?”

Spike stutters for a moment. “That’s insane! It doesn’t even make sense!”

“Nah, man. She’s purple, you’re purple... genetics! Totally works!”

“Woah, what if I am?” Twilight says, sounding shocked. Man, I should congratulate her.

Rarity looks over at Twilight “Wow, Twi. You got boned by a dragon! ...that musta hurt... What was it like?”

“Idunno... I got Spike when I was ten... woah...” I feel my good mood drain away. Man, that must’ve sucked.

Spike screams and my head hurts. “That’s it, I’m going to go get help, you guys are completely nuts!”

“Really? Are we edible?” Rarity ponders. Spike just yells again and rushes out the door.

After a while, I hear Spike, sounding worried. “-and then Twilight started acting all weird!”

Then a really nice voice starts talking. Like, really nice. “I see. And what are they doing, exactly?”

“Just look at them!”

In walks a big white horse, like, really big. And her hair is super awesome... Like a lava lamp, but hair! I gotta touch it...

“Ah, Anthony, what are you doing with my mane?” It’s so fluffy. And soft. Like... like something super-soft and fluffy.

“And your wings... man, your wings are super pretty...” I reach out to grab them and see if they’re as soft as the lava-hair-lamp. Unfortunately, the giant little horse moves to the side out of reach, and it’s way too far to go over there. Then, she looks into my eyes. she’s got super-pretty eyes, but they should totally have a different color for her fur. Like blue. Or pink. Or not-white, whatever that is.

“Dude... what if you had pink fur? Would you be even softer? Pink things are soft... Like Pinkie... I could hug her alllllllll day... where’s Pinkie?”

Celestia goes over to Twilight for a minute, then she starts laughing. Something must be funny. I like funny things. Everyone else is laughing now. Except Spike. He needs to relax.

“Princess, what’s wrong with them?”

“Oh, nothing that important, there’s an easy fix. When did you notice Twilight acting like this?”

“Well, Anthony was acting weird-”

“Says you” I respond to the obvious threat. “You need to chill out. Insulting people isn’t nice, you just need to open your mind... what if your brains fell out?”

A chorus of ‘woahs’ from Rarity and purple thing echo out and Celestia laughs again, urging Spike to continue. “Twilight was going to find out the problem. She went over to Rarity’s, came back totally fine, but after a bit she started acting like Anthony and Rarity! You gotta help them, princess!”

Celestia grins. “There is nothing to worry about. Now, let’s go see the source of this.”

Maybe ten minutes later, Celestia is on the couch next to me. “Hey, Anthony... why are you bald? I mean, sure you don’t have fur, but doesn’t it, like, grow in if you don’t cut it off?”

That gets me thinking. “Woah... maybe I am bald... maybe every human is bald and we just don’t realize it! Everything else has fur... we’re, like, some sort of weird, non-hairy monkey thing... but we don’t have tails... What if we had tails?”

Twilight stands up and, looking behind her flips out. “Oh my gosh, I do have a tail!”


The sound of Spike face-palming resounds in the aftermath of the revelation.

Celestia looks around the room. “Hey, does anybody know how to make a cake? I could go for some cake...”

“Cake would be awesome...”

Rarity and I agree. Twilight turns to Spike, who has by now been educated in what is going on. “Hey, Spike... make a cake...”

Spike shakes his head. “No, I’m not going to feed this bad habit!”

Twilight just kinda sits there for a minute. “Nah, ya don’t halfta... just feed me...”

Spike groans and I find the sound funny. Heh, silly noises. Next Chapter: Chapter 133 Estimated time remaining: 14 Hours, 36 Minutes

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