Login

Starlight in a Broken Vessel

by the-pieman

Chapter 102

Previous Chapter Next Chapter
Chapter 102

The spears of the sun’s unholy wrath pierce my eyeballs, and the disgusting taste of my own breath makes me want to gag. So this is what a hangover is. I thought they came with heada- oh, wait, there it is. Either that or someone has mistaken my head for a coconut, and is trying to make a pina colada. With a jackhammer. And dynamite.

Okay, drinking? Fun, good, etc. Hangovers? No fun, bad, etc.

Blinking away the solar assault upon my eyes, I curse Celestia and look around. It seems I made it to the library at least, but I’m in Twilight’s room. I can also feel a soft, fuzzy body right next to me.

Oh god, did Twilight get home and- no, wait, that’s ridiculous, the sun wouldn’t be in the view of this window if it was any later than early morning. Then who-

Gladius yawns miasmically, reaching a hoof over my torso and snuggling closer.

I don’t know if that possibility is better than the Twilight possibility, or worse.

I shake Gladius with my arm in an attempt to wake her up. “Gladius, please tell me we didn’t do anything I’d regret... in Twi’s bed?”

The star-pony continued to snore slightly, the noise grating on my super-sensitive eardrums. Oh mighty overlord of all things ever, why would you invent the hangover? I can’t even feel happy that I went out drinking, and I can’t help but think about the slightly sticky patch on the back of my leg, where Gladius had been spooning up to me.

I decide that now would be a very good time to get up and take a shower. I stumble out of the bed and towards the bathroom, and hope I am not right about what happened last night. Unfortunately, there are only two possibilities of what could be on my legs and I don’t like either of them.

I start the shower, and get ready to step in, only to find that my boxers are rather effectively stuck to my hips and crotch. There is no way that can be good.

I decide that the best option would be to get in the shower anyway and hope I can wash away whatever fluids are making my boxers... sticky. I shudder at the possibilities. That mare is not good for me to be around.

After a few moments in the shower, I hear the bathroom door open, and turn to look over the relatively short shower curtain, seeing that Gladius has wandered in. Her mane, which was previously just as ruler-straight as Twilight’s, is a snarled mess. Without saying a thing, she climbs into the shower with me, ignoring my protests.

“Listen, I really don’t want to think about what happened last night, but if I knocked you up, I’m pushing you down the stairs.”

Gladius completely ignores me, even going so far as to duck under me to get to where the water is coming down, and pushes me towards a wall so as to be the only one in the shower’s radius.

“Wait your bloody turn, damnit!” I pick her up and toss her out of the shower. She splays out on the tiled floor with a yelp, the sound sending an auditory icepick through my eardrum. I can’t believe Twilight ever thought that sound couldn’t hurt...

The confused-looking star-pony finally seems to notice me. “Oh, what the fuck, dude? I just wanted a shower!”

“Yeah, and I got here first. I don’t know what we might have done last night, but my boxers are so sticky I can’t take them off!”

“Oh, sorry ‘bout that.”

I freeze up. “You... we... Oh shit!”

“What? So I spilled some of that cider on your britches, it’s not like we had sex.”

I sigh in relief. Some of my headache abates out of sheer euphoria. “Oh thank goodness.” But then a thought enters my head. “Although that leaves my leg. Either I got some cider there as well, or you were feeling pretty ‘happy’. Gross”

“Hey, what’s with the hate? Last time I went drinking, I was celebrating the siege of Trot. The brew just brought back some rather pleasant memories of the serving colts who gave me some rather nice service.” She leers at me with her sanguineous-tinted eyes. “If you know what I mean.”

“I do, unfortunately. And you’re not gonna get a repeat from me. I’m just glad Twi didn’t come home and find us sleeping in her bed. Whether we screwed or not, she’d have bit my head off!”

“Hmm... in a metaphorical sense, or a literal one? ‘Cuz I’d do the metaphorical one, if you kno-”

Yes I know, and no it’s not gonna happen!” I shake my head. “Suddenly I’m wishing for the usual super-conservative ponies again, what is with you?”

“Hey, it’s not my fault ponies have changed so much in the last thousand or so years! I mean, jeez, they even wear clothes that aren’t armor or showing off how important their family is! So hard to get an eyeful of flank anymore.”

“I’m going to pretend you never said anything. Since we met.”

“Aww, don’t be such a party pooper. Ooh! Speakign of parties, I bet I could get with that one pink filly who throws the parties. Y’know, the Element. Man I bet that’d be some wild-”

“First of all, you are not going to show yourself around Ponyville anymore unless you grow up and stop acting like a horny teenager. Secondly, I’m not sure if Pinkie’s even into mares.”

Gladius rolls her eyes. “Oh, please, what can you even do to stop me? Besides, I am all grown up. Lookit these hips! I could bear foals if I wanted, and I can beat any other champion of war. Seriously, in any duel, I could win with three hooves tied behind my back!” Gladius stands on her back legs, shadowboxing with a grin.

“How about a Pokemon Battle? Bet I could beat you in one of those.”

“Ooh, I’d love to let you poke me, mon!” She grins lecherously as the water continues to cascade down me.

I facepalm. “No! A Pokemon battle is... oh forget it. It’s nothing sexual in any way! Pokemon stands for pocket monsters and... oh...”

Gladius smiles broadly. “I can speak neighponese, you know. And I love hearing about how you’ll beat me with your ‘pocket monster’. Wanna give it a try in the shower, or has it gone cold already?” I’m kinda glad to say it actually is cold at this point, if only to deny her the pleasure of a shower entirely.

“Not at all. If you’re a penguin.” I step out of the shower and toss her in. “Enjoy, horndog.”

“Whoo!” she stands up, her mane whirling suddenly around her. “Selene’s teats this is cold!” I laugh and walk out, grabbing the sole towel along the way. Petty victories are still victories.

I head back to my room and decide that I’d really prefer if Gladius left before Twilight gets back. I did kinda want to introduce her to a constellation pony, but this one seems like way too much to handle until Twi gets back...

As if the universe seeks to mock my hungover self, the front door slams open, the sound driving needles into my poor brain even while I sit on my bed. I groan and look at the tiny clock hung on the wall. Wait, how’s it almost 1pm? How long was I just sitting here? Or was I asleep that long? Hard to tell.

I hear Twilight shout up from the ground floor, “Anthony! I’m back! Are you and Anne still alright?” Oh, please just kill me now, the shouting is pure torture!

I walk downstairs. “Yeah, I’d be great if you had a hangover-removal spell. Also, make with the magic garbage stuff, gimme my powers back.”

“What? I can’t hear you!” Twilight says, looking into the kitchen. As she pulls her head back out, she sees me. “Oh, there you are. What did you say?” She looks pretty tired, with dark bags under her eyes. She’s still speaking a little loudly.

I get closer. “Remove my hangover, give back my powers.”

“Drink water!” She half-yells back, “And wait! Idunno how long the poison will- wait, you lost your powers?!” For cripe’s sake, I’m right in front of you! What’s with the yelling, did she go to a big concert or something?

“Listen, if you could just quiet down and stop yelling, that’d be great. Also, there’s someone I’d like... okay no, I wouldn’t like you to meet her, but...”

Twilight stares at me for a few moments before a look of revelation catches up to her. In a quiet, venomous whisper, she says, “You brought someone home and screwed them, didn’t you? Damnit, Anthony, that’s the last thing I need right now! Agh, please at least tell me you used you own bed!”

“Yeah, about that, I-” I start, but she interrupts me with an enraged-sounding snarl before I can explain nothing happened.

“Oh for the love of- I don’t even care! I’m going to bed, and you can go screw your harlot! I’m tired!” Twilight stomps up to her room in a huff. Gladius peeks out of the bathroom, and looks either direction before coming down to the bottom floor. “Wow. she’s got a set of lungs on her. And a nice flank, too! You gonna t- wait, no, you don’t do ponies.” Gladius thinks for a moment as I stare at Twilights strangely irrational exit. “Ooh, that mean’s she’s open, right?”

“Listen, normally I’d want to kick you out, but now that I’m in trouble, you are staying right here until Twilight wakes up and can meet you.”

 

“Hmm... and if I just fly out a window?”

“Well, I may have a problem with you, but last I checked, yeah, Twi’s free. And in my opinion, really needs to get laid sometime. You’re allowed to offer if you stay.”

“Sweet. Anyways, I’m gonna wander off. Have fun!” Gladius opens her wings and springs out a window higher in the tree before I can do anything. And before I can react to that, she shouts in pain, and falls back inside, covering her eyes. “Oh sweet Selene, the sun is right out that window!”

I can’t hold back a chuckle.

“Wait, isn’t the sun just a star, too? You’re a constellation, you tell him to go the fuck away, why don’t ya?”

“What? And risk getting dad to kick my ass? I’m not reckless, just stupid.” Her brow furrows as she thinks that one over. “Wait...”

“Heh, you said it, not me. Anyway, seriously, if you don’t wanna stay, get another one of your constellation buddies down here, Twilight needs to meet at least one of you so she won’t think I’m lying when I say I met one.”

“What, are you kicking me out? I thought you said I could sleep on the couch!”

“I said if you don’t wanna stay, numbskull. You can crash on the couch, but if you do leave you gotta send one of your friends over. Although if Twilight wants you kicked out, that’s a different story.”

“Yeah, and one without a happy ending. If you-”

“For the love of god, do you really need to do that? I mean, sure a thousand years without getting laid must be bad, but just use your damn hooves!”

“Aww, but hooves are all scrapey down there! Ooh, wait, that’s might be interesting...” She looks down between her back legs.

Right, guess humans have it easier... girls have fingers, hooves must feel like sandpaper or something. “Well in that case, go buy a cucumber or something, I don’t care. Just stop with the raunchy talk.”

“A cucumber? What’s that? Oh, hey, you got any beef around here? I hear that Equestria took over the Cattle homelands a few hundred years ago, there outta be a good steak around, right?”

“I’ve only had fish, but they might. But definitely not here. Unicorns don’t eat meat. I know a Gryphon restaurant, but if we go, then you’re paying. I’m pretty sure I’m broke from last night, you hog.”

“Hey, maybe we could go boar hunting! There’s a forest nearby. It’s a lot of fun, I swear! We’ll need some squires though.”

“Squires? Why? Wouldn’t it just be fun enough to do it ourselves? Unless you think you can’t handle a furry piece of undercooked bacon...”

“What? Nah, we just need some bait, and a bunch of squires hog-tied and left in a clearing is the best way to draw out boars. And other stuff. Best of all, we can go drinking while we wait, and just check to see if they’ve been eaten once an hour! It’s efficient!” Is this mare a psychopath? Or a sociopath?

“Listen, I don’t think that would go over well. If you wanna go hunting, you do it the old fashioned way by stalking and laying traps. Besides, as I said there’s a restaurant I know that serves at least fish and turkey.”

“Yeah, but you don’t get to stab a roasted turkey to death and watch it bleed.”

“How about I dangle it on a rope in front of you and make turkey noises so it looks alive?”

Gladius rolls her eyes. “Fine, if you have any better game ideas, just say so.”

“None that I want to play with you. Now let’s go, we don’t wanna be here when Twi wakes up.” I look around. “I wonder where Spike is...” Next Chapter: Chapter 103 Estimated time remaining: 20 Hours, 43 Minutes

Return to Story Description

Login

Facebook
Login with
Facebook:
FiMFetch