I don't drink tea. I mean, I get that the drink can have a calming effect on people (and ponies it seems) but so does a two-by-four to the back of the head. Which made the arduous task of absorbing a summarized ten millennium of pony history all that much harder. I could have a used a Monster or even a couple cans of Full Throttle to get through that lecture. To sum up, this is what I earned: the land now known as Equestria was once ruled by Discord, but before he was overthrown, the three pony tribes claimed this land as their own.

Discy eventually went to town on them and sisters Celestia and Luna sought out the Elements of Harmony and used them to hand him his ass, petrifying him; things were good for a while until Luna got bit by a certain green eyed monster and Celestia banished her to the moon for ten centuries. (And here I thought my brother and I played rough when were we busting each others balls and kicking each other in the family jewels. Ouch!)

Fast forward a few hundred years and Luna comes back, as mad as ever; Twilight and her best friends reclaim the Elements and restore Luna to sanity, defeat a recalcitrant Discord, destroy the fiend known as King Sombra, and thwart a Changeling invasion (not necessarily in that order.) In time, Twilight became a Princess, Discord's last failed scheme for power bore fruit (literally), and the Elements were returned to The Tree of Harmony where The Sister Princesses retrieved them more than a thousand years ago.

I'm lucky that I'm a quick study or else most of this would gone over my head. (I can hear Jeff Dunham's Peanut now.) Anyway, I'm pretty much all caught up when Twilight starts would is arguably a long overdue interrogation. Damn it…! I was hoping to avoid a long, drawn out discussion of my arrival here but Twilight is an inquisitive little mare. I don't really think I'll be much help. From the moment of the explosion to the moment I regained semi-consciousness in the Everfree, there's this big blank space. Out of sight, out of mind…

Can I get the last three hours back, please? Holy shit, that was an ordeal! I don't think I can expound on myself, or humanity for that matter. I don't know what she thinks she can get out of me. She's keeps pressing me for more and I can't give anymore. I'm tapped out and this purple inquisition monster keeps pressing. Serenity now…!

"Oh, gosh, Twilight, I didn't know it was getting so late." Fluttershy laments.

Twilight remarks, "Oh, yeah, look at that… It's pretty far into the afternoon."

"However did we miss lunch?" pipes in Discord.

I chime, "Gee, I dunno, Discord. Between your tomfoolery and Twilight's insatiable curiosity, it's difficult to say who wasted more time."

Flutters reprimands, "Stevie!"

Those eyes! Christ, Fluttershy could make the Devil himself cringe in fear!

Flutters asks, "Is anypony hungry? I think I still have some of Applejack's apple brown Betties. I-if you wanted something…"

Twilight says, "Ooo, those sound good. Can I have two?"

"Sure, Twilight! Discord, Stevie?"

Discord replies, "May I have a dozen, Friend Fluttershy?"

"If Discy hasn't hoarded them all, may I have two please? And a glass of water. Cottonmouth is hitting me something awful." I ask.

"You could have asked for tea, you know." Twilight chides.

"I don't drink tea." I inform Twilight.

"Ugghhh!"

"There's one last thing I want to clear before I leave, if you don't mind." Twilight says.

Le sigh.

"Yes, Your Majesty?"

"You said earlier that my healing spell hurt you. What did you mean by that?" Twilight inquires.

My answer is, "I don't think I can be any clearer about that. When you used your- 'spells,' I felt pain unlike anything I've ever experienced. It's a root canal without Novocaine multiplied by three hundred."

"That's odd…" Twilight muses.

"How do you figure, Twilight?"

"A healing spell, any curative spell, would nullify any pain the recipient had." Twilight informs me.

To which I say, "Well, it didn't do that for me."

Fluttershy comments, "The strangest thing is, your wounds are healing very well, Stevie. I've never seen a pony heal from so many injuries so quickly, with or without healing spells. Don't you agree, Twilight?"

"Yes, I do. I've never seen anypony regenerate that fast before…" Twilight says.

"Maybe I'm just lucky?" I add weakly.

"Luck? I don't believe in luck." Twilight says sternly.

"I sense a 'Star Wars' reference in the offing…" I offer as an aside.

"What?"

"Sorry, I have a penchant for non sequitur." I apologize.

"What was that?"

"What was what?" Twilight asks.

"I thought I heard-"

"Oh, come on, Flutters, please don't tell me you didn't hear that?"

"I think I heard something…" Flutters starts.

Twilight asks, "Where is that coming from?"

"Good question, your Highness…" says Discord.

"You don't have to call me tha-" Twilight begins.

Louder this time. Like something smacking glass… "Flutters, do you think Harry's come back?"

Fluttershy answers, "Uh, no. He's usually down by his stream picking up fish at this hour."

"Oh my, it looks like you have company, Fluttershy old pal." Discord croons.

"Discord…!" Twilight sternly says.

"Was that at the back door?" Fluttershy asks.

If my ears do not deceive me, I hear the shuffling of feet. Not hooves, feet. Something is lumbering rather quickly through Flutters kitchen… Holy, shit… That's a human, if I'm not mistaken, lurching round the door frame to the kitchen. He does not look well. No, not well at all. One might even say he's gone rabid or something.

Fluttershy yells, "EVERYPONY RUN!"

Twilight takes to wing and is dashing toward the back of the room; Flutters is making a beeline for the stairs. She looks back at me with an imploring look.

"I wish I could!" I got half a leg missing; how can I run?

Hey, wait-a-minute- Isn't that the guy in 34 D? Yeah, I remember him. Is that a Federal Aviation Administration badge? Dude, this guy is a sky marshal! There's something wrong with him… Oh, shit, he's armed!

*Click! Click! Click!*

He's- trying to shoot us? What the-? Oh, man his eyes! The pupils are dilated but that's not the most troubling thing about him. The whites of his eyes, the sclera, they're bloodshot. Like, really bloodshot, as if a few capillaries have burst and are hemorrhaging.

"What is it?!" Twilight shouts.

I answer, "He's a sky marshal! He's one of the people on the plane! My plane!! He's off, though. Like he's-"

He throws- something… Whoa! I barely missed his pistol…! HIS PISTOL!

"Flutters, Twilight, keep out of his reach! I'm gonna try something-"

"Easier said than done, Steven!" Fluttershy replies.

"Discord, can you distract him? Discord?!"

Go figure; that tosser has taken a powder. Got to get to that gun…

"AGH!"

Fluttershy?! No! The sky marshal has her by a wing… He's trying to tear her feathers out…! Where did that thing go? Got it-!

"HEY, ASSHOLE!"

I see the officer swing Flutters away as he turns in my direction…

"SAY HELLO TO DARKNESS, MY OLD FRIEND!'"

*BLAM! BLAM!*

The report of the pistol is deafening, to put it mildly, in Fluttershy's cottage. Every living thing still inside the cottage winces from the noise. I don't have much experience with firearms, save what I've read from American Handgunner and the occasional Guns & Ammo magazine; I've never even fired a pistol before. You wouldn't know it by the effort I just put up. The first shot hit the sky marshal in the chest, just above his heart, most likely passing his through his Superior Vena Cava. The second hit him between the eyes. His grey matter splatters out the back of his head. He falls to the floor, all the life in him gone. The dude is dead… Shit, I just killed a guy!

"Holy fuck…"

My lunch will not be staying down this afternoon…

What da fuck?! When did things go all 28 Days Later?!