Twilight Sparkle was nervously pacing around in her library, waiting for Spike and Carl to finish with the human's plan. She knew that Queen Chrysalis could get her hooves on the letter, and the young man suggested to add something to intimidate her in case she did intercept the letter. After an argument over Carl's choice of 'words' while writing the first part, the part that was actually meant to be read by Princess Celestia, he decided to retreat into her bedroom alone with Spike so that he could concentrate on the second part without 'her annoying purple ass dictatin' no shit'. Something about how she was 'trippin' like a motherfucker' and how it was 'distracting for a brother, man'.

Twilight really didn't think that Carl's plan would work, but it was worth a shot... plus, the young man seemed like he was truly willing to fight. For them or for himself, she didn't know, but she didn't care.
She couldn't possibly tell him not to fight, and although the odds of him succeeding were close to zero, who knew... maybe his strange human customs and his unpredictability would turn the tide in their favor.

So far, he had proven to be far more obnoxious than helpful overall, but in times like these, the purple unicorn couldn't care less. At this point, he was the only hope she, and all of Equestria, had.

Nothing new under the Sun.

In her bedroom, the little dragon was finishing up, signing and sending the letter to Celestia. He didn't know many of the words Carl used, and he was really hoping he had managed to spell them correctly... he had always been great at spelling.
The perks of being raised by a nerd, and all.

"Man, this green fire shit is cool. Why you can't breathe this on 'em changeling punks?"

"I don't know, Carl, I just... I'm too young, I guess. Dragons live hundreds of years, I'm still a baby... well, in some aspects."

"I can't believe you gettin' genuinely pissed at gettin' pussy, man! I know they're horses and shit, but pussy's pussy, yo."

"But they're not-"

"Spike! Carl! Are you done yet?" Twilight called from behind the door.

"Yeah, don't trip. We comin'."

The door opened and a goofy-looking Carl walked out, followed by a giggling Spike.

"C'mon man, I ain't that funny!"

"I don't know, but I soooo wanna see Chrysalis' face if she reads it!"

Twilight rolled her eyes. "So, Carl, what do you suggest we do next?"

"I don't know, I was thinkin'... what's up with these Elements of Harmony things you been talkin' about?"

"As I told you, Chrysalis has rendered them completely useless, so that's not an option..."

"Yeah, but what about the ponies themselves? You said you and your friends were the bearers of the Elements. They liabilities or what?"

"No! They're the best friends a pony could ever wish for!"

"Yeah, but they any useful? Like, you can count on 'em?"

"Yes, they're great friends!"

"That ain't what I meant... whatever. They okay? I didn't see no changelings in Ponyville, but they don't all live here, do they?"

"Don't worry, they're all okay. Fluttershy is scared, and Pinkie Pie has tripled her sugar consumption, but Rainbow Dash, Applejack and Rarity are fine."

"Can they help us?"

"I don't know... we fought changelings before, but this is different..."

"Whatever, forget it." Carl sighed, knowing that he wouldn't get anywhere with that. "We goin' to Sweet Apple Acres, man. I need to check on AJ anyway, haven't seen her ass in a week."

Twilight grinned. "Do you like her, Carl?"

Oblivious to her implication, Carl smiled. "Jeah... she a good girl, man, she's down-to-Earth, she keeps it real. We gonna need her, I'm tellin' you. Also, I need to get me some apples. I'm hungry and y'all got no chicken."

"Alright, fine. Let's go then." Twilight said, levitating a small saddlebag on her back. "Carl, keep the alicorn horn. You're gonna need it, I have those books about reprogramming and enchanting a source of weaponized magic to use more advanced spells, I will read them while you and Applejack do whatever it is you're going to do."

"We ain't gonna do shit, man. Just talkin'."

"I'll read them while you're talking, then." she turned around, smiling at her number one assistant. "Spike, you're guarding the library. You remember the protocol, right?"

The young drake looked down, letting out a heavy sigh. "Yeah, Twi... but really, I'm not too keen on doing it with changelings, even though they're more attractive than ponies, I don't think I-"

"I told you a hundred times already, Spike. Sexual stimulation is the only sure-fire way to disrupt their hivemind."

"Twilight, you a fuckin' crazy bitch, man!" Carl interjected. "Why you forcin' the lil' fella to bone everythin'? He's too young for that shit!" he said, exasperated. He then turned towards Spike, and kneeled down to his level. "Look, man. You forget the shit that purple nerd's been sayin', a'ight? Any changeling come snoopin' around, you knock the motherfucker out, tie his ass up and throw him in the basement. And if he's any trouble, you pour a few beers down his gullet. Scrawny insect fucks can't possibly handle their liquor too well."

Spike smiled and nodded while Twilight frowned in disapproval.

"Carl, you-"

"Shut the fuck up, horse."

Startled by his own reaction, Carl mentally scolded himself and turned his nigga dial back to 'just chillin''.

"My bad, Twilight. I meant, let's go, girl."

The mare carefully raised an eyebrow. "Uh... okay?"

"Goddamn... I swear, I'mma need to get yo' ass laid when this shit's over."

Knocking on the barn door, Carl sighed as he looked back towards the beautiful orchard. He wouldn't have minded growing up here... why couldn't there be such beautiful sights in San Andreas?

"Applejack! You in here, girl? It's me!"

"What? Who is this?" a raunchy voice called from inside the wooden structure.

"It's CJ, man, yo! C'mon, open the door!" he said, knocking again. "I'm with Twilight, we need to talk to you!"

The door opened almost instantly, a disheveled Applejack standing in front of the young human who recoiled at the sight (and the smell).

"Man, what the fuck you was doin' in there? It smells funny..."

"Ah, uh..." before Applejack could finish, Carl caught a glimpse of a white unicorn mare lying on her back on a stack of hay.

"Okay, okay, look, I don't wanna know. Let's get the fuck outta here, I don't even wanna smell that shit."

"Applejack!" Rarity called.

Carl peeked inside the barn, frowning. "Man, c'mon! Just finish it yourself! We got business to take care of."

"You ugly, uncouth, disgusting... thing!" the purple-maned fashionista spat, her hate for Carl increasing by the second even after not having seen him for a week straight.

"Whatever you say, bitch."

"Carl! Ah'd appreciate it if y'all didn't call mah marefriend a bitch."

He raised an eyebrow at the orange pony. "Oh yeah? And I'd appreciate it if you'd stop thinkin' with your pussy and started helping a nigga out!" he said, shaking his head and pointing a finger towards the distant city of Canterlot. "Now look, we gonna launch a full scale assault on that Chrysalis bitch, alright? And we gon' need all the help we can get. You in?"

"Are ya outta your mind, Carl?"

The human gave her a blank stare. "I'm in a fucked up land full of three feet tall pastel horses who can fly, use telekinesis and blast on each other with fucking laser beams. Of course I'm outta my fucking mind! What you thinkin'? I stopped worryin' about my mind the day I got here, man."

Applejack closed the barn door, attempting to drown out Rarity's shrieking about 'that disgusting ape', 'that nerdy purple cunt' and 'her ruined orgasm'.

"Why would ya ask me to help, Carl? Ah'm just an Earth pony, tryin' to get by... Ah'm not a hero. Ah saved the day with my friends a few times, but without the Elements Ah'm not gonna do much..."

"You're a good pony, AJ, I told you already. You keep it real, unlike most of 'em motherfuckers. You're valuable, and I need you to help us free Celestia and end this shit once and for all, that's all," he said solemnly. "So... you my nigga?"

"You... you really think I'm valuable?"

"Yeah... you may stick your plastic horse dick in crazy, but seriously now, you a good pony, and I'mma need you for this shit, man. For real."

Applejack blushed profusely, trying to hide behind her hat. "Ah don't know... Ah mean, of course Ah'll help ya, but... it sounds awfully dangerous."

"It is, but that's what we gotta do, you know? That shit ain't too different from gangbangin'... we go there, we fuck their shit up and get the place back under our control. I done that shit hundreds of times, and I'm tellin' you, a couple of Balla motherfuckers with AK's have got to be more dangerous than thousands of 'em changeling things."

"Ah don't know what yer talkin' about, but Ah hope yer right, 'cause if ya ain't... we'll be in trouble."

"We are in trouble, Applejack," Twilight chimed, raising her head from her book. "But I have good news! Carl, could you show me the horn, please? I just found a way to enchant it..." she trailed off, giving him a disturbing smirk, "with dark magic!"

"Dark magic? Shit, that sounds cool! What can it do?"

"I don't know... we'll see!"

"A'ight, here," Carl said, presenting the metallic 'weapon' to Twilight.

"Lay it down and take a few steps back," she instructed, focusing as she readied a spell.

"Ah don't know what y'all are talkin' about, but if Ah were ya, I'd be careful..." Applejack murmured to Carl. "Twilight's experimental magic ain't exactly the most reliable of things 'round here..." she said to the young man, who simply shrugged.

A few seconds and two dark purple flashes later, Twilight started jumping around with a large smile plastered on her face. "I did it!"

"Watchu did, man? 'Sup with that thing now?"

"Try it, Carl! I want to see what happens!"

"Careful, sugarcube. Ah know yer immune, but we ain't."

Carl shrugged once again and grabbed the horn, aiming it towards a nearby bush. He pressed the button and recoiled backwards, feeling a sharp pain coursing through his back and forehead.

"What the fuck?"

"CARL! Are ya okay?"

"Man, what the fuck just happened?"

"I..." the color started to drain from Twilight's face as she watched in horror. She had messed up... again.

"MAN, WHAT THE FUCK?" Carl screamed as his hands shot up to his head, only to feel a large, protruding bone. "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?" he shrieked, the large horn on his forehead violently shooting uncontrolled spurts of green energy in random directions.

"Carl! Calm down, damn it!" Applejack reared up, trying to wrestle the young man to the ground, only to grab a hoofful of air.

She watched in awe as the horned human started hovering a few feet above the ground, his gigantic dark brown wings flapping frantically.

"Carl... are y'all a princess now?"

Suddenly realizing what his body was doing, he screamed once again, trying to gain control over his new appendages. "AAAAAAH! HELP ME! GET THESE MOTHERFUCKERS OFF ME! YOU FUCKING PURPLE PIECE OF SHIT I SWEAR I'M GONNA-"

"AAAAAAH!" a high-pitched voice came from behind him, making him freeze up and drop to the ground with a grunt.

"Pinkie?" Twilight asked in disbelief, more concerned with the fact Carl was an alicorn and not her, than with his well-being.

"Hiya, Twi! AJ! Ooooh, Carl! Princess Carl, the legendary Alicorn of the Streets! How's the 'hood, doe?"

"...fucking hell! I wanna go home, man." Carl sighed sadly, somehow managing to fold his wings and to ignore Pinkie's antics.

"But, but... your subjects need you!" the party pony replied, confused.

Walking up to the fake horn lying on the ground, Applejack pressed the red button with a hoof, and the human screamed once again, his body reverting back to normal with a cartoon-ish 'pop!'.

"Shit!" he said happily, feeling his forehead with a hand as he looked at the country mare. "Man, you saved my ass! Shit, I love you, man." he pulled her into a crushing bear hug.

"Easy there now, Carl. Ah just... Ah didn't know it'd do that, but Ah wanted to try an' help you."

"Damn... I didn't wanna be no princess, man! Shit's scary," he added, sighing again and turning to Twilight. "What the fuck you did to that thing, man?" he grabbed the horn and frowned, waiting for a (satisfying) answer.

"I... I may have read the wrong paragraph. I enchanted it with... uh..."

"With what?" Applejack asked in apprehension.

"It's draconequus magic, silly," Pinkie said, grabbing the horn and pressing the button with her tail, a pair of large pink breasts popping up from between her forelegs. "Ooooh! What is this? What is this? It looks like fun!"

She pressed the button again, and her body reverted back to normal. She frowned, a dejected expression on her face. "Oh. Not cool."

Twilight raised a hoof. "Um... everypony? Pinkie is right. I did enchant it with draconequus magic..."

"Is it bad?" Carl asked.

"Not really, but..."

"IS IT BAD?" the young man repeated much louder, his patience wearing thin.

"Um, well. To put it simply, it is far more powerful than alicorn magic, but we can't control it. It's chaotic by nature." she said, flipping through the pages of another book. "Apparently, pressing the button a second time will always cancel out the first effect, but... I don't think we can use it. It's too random."

"More random than me?" Pinkie asked, somehow popping out of Twilight's book.

"AAAAH!" the startled unicorn shrieked. "Uh... no," she replied with a frown, quickly regaining her composure. "Definitely not. But we still can't use it."

"Shit!" Carl stood up, looking at the disembodied horn. "Can't you disenchant it or something? I liked it better when it could shoot lasers, man! Giving ponies a huge pair of titties ain't gonna do much to help us."

"I'm trying to find a counter spell..."

"How's it called, anyway? I'm gettin' a strange feelin', like there's someone out there who's tired of callin' it a metallic horn weapon thing."

"Who is it? Who is it?" Pinkie asked, pointing a hoof in a random direction. "Is it that white human over there, slamming his fingers on some flat black plastic thingy?"

OY GEVALT I'VE BEEN DISCOVERED Pinkie, goddammit.

"...back off, man. You scarin' me."

"Don't be a meanie, Carl."

"Girls!" Twilight called out, throwing three books at a nearby changeling. "Help!"

Carl raised an eyebrow at the black insect-like creature, lazily hovering around as it dodged Twilight's books with disconcerting ease.

"Yo, wassup?" he asked, walking towards it.

The creature didn't answer, instead lunging at Carl, his body swiftly doing a U-turn in mid-air before bucking the human in the chest. Carl stoof unfazed as the black hybrid dropped to the ground, clutching its broken hind legs with a forehoof.

He slammed a foot on the changeling's tail and cracked his knuckles, a bored expression on his face. "You really wanna fight me, punk?"

The poor changeling scurried away, losing half of his tail in the process. He eventually gathered enough energy to teleport away after a few seconds of struggling to take flight.

The young man let out a hearty laugh, and pointed at where the changeling bucked him. "Shit, I told you, man! These things ain't gonna do shit!"

"I..." Twilight frowned, suddenly remembering something that maybe, would make things easier for them. "Changelings aren't known for their physical strength..."

"Yeah, no shit..."

"But they're dangerous nonetheless!"

"I beat up grandmas who fought back harder than this, man! We got this shit, I'm tellin' you."

Carl turned around, only to be faced with a large red stallion.

"Uh... yo, wassup, man? What's crackin' witchu?"

"Eee... hum?" Big Mac 'said', confused by Carl's way to greet him. "Ah don't know. How ya doin', partner?"

"What's good?" shaking a red hoof, the human looked around, seeing Applejack walking back into the barn and closing the door. "Fucking horny ponies, man."

"Ah know," Big Mac stated flatly. "Ah'm one o' the only ponies in town who don't think with 'er genitals. Speakin' of which, estrus is startin' in a few days, Ah reckon a big fella like y'all should stay outta town for a while... unless yer into that kinda thing, that is."

"Estruh... what?" Carl asked, suddenly feeling uneasy. "What you talkin' about, man?"

"Estrus," Twilight interjected, smiling. "Heat."

"Heat?"

"Yep. Heat is..." her face suddenly turned livid as realization hit her. "OH NO! Pinkie!" she shrieked, turning to the pink mare. "What are we gonna do?"

"Simple," Pinkie said with a smile, pulling a giant pink vibrator from her mane. "Want it? I got plenty more at home! I thought about throwing a-"

Carl clamped her mouth shut with a hand. "Twilight, what the fuck is this all about?"

"We... we're gonna go into estrus in a couple of days... this is bad. This is really bad."

"What's up with that? What does it do?"

"It's heat, Carl... it gives, uh... it gives mares certain... needs." she said, locking eyes with him before looking away shamefully.

"Hey, don't look at me like that, man! C'mon, I could use some action too. Hell, we all do! It ain't nothin' to be ashamed of."

Fighting back her blush, Twilight continued her explanations. "Yes, but mares in heat tend to behave... um, well, I don't know how to explain it to you, but we won't be of much use for anything other than... than... uh..."

"Shit... when's it startin'?"

"In a few days... three or four, most likely. With all these events, I had totally forgotten about it!"

"Goddamn... we gotta do this shit tomorrow, then. We ain't got no choice."

Twilight blushed, raising a timid hoof and brushing Carl's leg. "You mean..."

"Yo, what the fuck? Get off me, man! I ain't fuckin' no horse!"

"B-but... but you said-"

"I said we need to do this shit tomorrow. I'm talkin' about goin' to Canterlot and fucking up Chrysalis, not screwin' a midget horse! Do I look like fucking Ryder to you?"

Pinkie tapped Twilight on the withers. "What is it, Pinkie?"

"Do changelings go into estrus too?"

"Females do, why?"

"There are female changelings?"

"...yes?"

"Ooooh..."

Carl sighed and turned to Big Mac. "And what happens to us guys durin' this shit, then? We gettin' harrassed and shit by horny mares?"

"Eeyup," the red pony said, deadpanning as usual.

"But uh... males don't start feelin' like they need to hump everythin' in sight, right? Or do they?"

"Eenope."

An idea formed in Carl's mind as he stroked his goatee, thanking whatever deity blessed him with hair that not only would never grow back on its own, but could be grown to any length at a moment's notice by any barber in the state of San Andreas.

"Hey, Mac... how'd you like workin' for the Families, dude?"

The red stallion shot the human an intrigued glance.

"We was plannin' on raiding the castle before estrus, but if them girls are all busy tryna get the dudes, we ain't gonna meet much resistance!"

"It's not gonna work," Twilight said, ruining the mood for everypony (and human).

"Why?"

"Changelings don't go into estrus at the same time we do. It happens monthly for them, but it was last week..." she said, trailing off. "In fact, I think that's how Chrysalis was able to overpower the princess so easily. Sexual fustration vastly increases magical power."

"Man, that's some cliché ass bullshit... but that probably explains why yo' virgin ass is so powerful," Carl replied, giving the flustered unicorn a shit-eating grin.

"Gotta go! Bye!" a voice said out of nowhere, before its owner disappeared in a pink blur.

"Man... how does she... what the fuck is she, Twilight?"

"I don't know... I really don't know, Carl. You shouldn't try to question Pinkie Pie. She just is," Twilight sighed. "And sugar only makes it worse... or better, I suppose it depends on who you ask."

Sitting down in the grass, he sighed and turned to Big Mac, who was simply standing there, apparently waiting to be dimissed. "I'm sorry, man. Go on about yo' business, I'mma find another way."

"Ah'm sorry, Ah'd have liked to help ya, but Ah have plans anyway," the stallion said. "Ah'm goin' to Las Pegasus, meetin' up with a buddy o' mine. Just don't tell Applejack..." he added, licking his lips before walking away.

"Fuck. C'mon Twilight, we need to prepare. We gotta get to Canterlot tonight and do this shit tomorrow before y'all start wanting the D."

"The dee?"

"Just follow me, man."

"But Applejack's gone!"

"She's gettin' pussy, man! We'll get her later. She a friend, you don't cockblock a friend twice in an hour! That ain't what friends do to each other."

"I wouldn't know about that," Twilight replied in disdain. Being a frustrated virgin certainely granted her untold power, far beyond even her mentor's imagination, but it was tough to live at times. And especially since about a week ago or so...
Fucking Spike.

"Twilight! Twilight!" the little drake shouted.

"What?" she turned her head towards the dirt path leading in and out of the Apples' property, only to see a young dragon running as fast as he could with a scroll in his claws. "Spike? What are you doing here?"

Spike stopped in front of her, panting heavily as he tried to catch his breath.

"T-the pr-... the princess! Sh-... she... answered!"

"I hadn't thought of that," Carl chimed in. "We need your scaly ass to contact her, but she don't."

Snatching the letter from Spike's claws, the young man opened it and started reading through it out loud in front of a very flustered Twilight Sparkle.

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

I do not have much time, so I will be informal.
Fucking hell, I'm scared! Goddamn cheeselegs, man! Aw, shit. I think that nigga's been rubbin' off on me, man!

...fuck.
I still hate that magic-resistant ink with a burning passion.

[clears throat internally]

I am stuck in the crystal caves with my sister, and I am hoping that I will have enough time to finish writing this letter before the guard is done with... um... I am not sure I want to know exactly what he is doing with the holes in his forelegs.

I know that you cannot possibly rescue me, however I felt something I had not felt in over a millennium earlier this morning, and I simply must inform you of it.
I felt a strange, extremely powerful surge of life energy. It was almost as if a deceased being had been somehow brought back to life... I know that such a thing is close to impossible, but... perhaps you have a book containing information about necromancy?
Either way, I wouldn't worry too much about it if I were you, I am probably just being paranoid.

Speaking of chaos and strangeness, have you seen Carl recently? Is he all right? I don't remember much from that night... I hope nothing happened to him.

I am truly sorry, Twilight Sparkle. I have failed you, and all of Equestria... by being reckless and endangering myself for no good reason. It seems like you are on your own... I will do whatever I can to help you from my current position, but I am afraid Chrysalis' magic is far too strong for me to even consider escaping.
You can reply at anytime between ten thirty and ten forty-five in the evening, as it is the only time sister and I are allowed to be left alone... there are no bathrooms in the crystal caves. Luna has been trying hard not to drop the soap, but even when restrained, my magic prevails over hers.

Poor sister~

Uh, sorry... I digress.
Once again, I am really sorry.

Oh, shit! I just felt something else! Right now!
A violent, brutal surge of chaotic magic... I- AGAIN! Damn, I hope Discord is not- OH BALLS FUCKING GUARD FAGGOT IS DONE GOTTA GO BBL

- XOXO CELESTIA

"Well, that sure is somethin'," Carl chuckled, oblivious to Twilight's seething rage. Nopony reads her letters. Nopony.

"She ain't replyin'! She's contactin' us on her own... so she didn't get my letter... shit! At least, it must mean that Chrysalis got it. Bitch is gon' be real busy tryna prepare for my arrival."

"Carl... what exactly did you write on that letter?" Twilight asked, trying to contain her anger.

"I'll explain you later, Twi," Spike said, equally oblivious to her rage as he carefully eyed the human who kneeled down and grabbed an elongated, white metallic object from the ground.

Twilight grabbed the horn in her magic, yanking Carl's arm backwards. "Why did you read my letter, Carl Johnson?"

"What? Man, you trippin' again, c'mon! We gonna-"

"WHY DID YOU READ MY LETTER, YOU BURNT APE?"

"Hey yo, back off, you... uh... purple cracker bitch!" he said, pointing the weapon at Twilight.

"Just try it!" she screamed, readying a powerful offensive spell of her own.

"Oh, dude!" Spike said, pulling a bowl of popcorn from behind him as Carl pressed the red button once again. A strange, brief beeping sound echoed throughout the land, startling Twilight and causing her to unleash her spell, completely obliterating a blue-maned orange pegasus who just happened to fly nearby.

The lavender mare jumped and turned around, gazing at the now flattened orchard. "CAAAARL!" she shrieked, wincing as intense sunlight reflected off the gleaming metal. "WHAT IN THE NAME OF CELESTIA DID YOU JUST DO?"

"CJ! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?" Spike shouted, sending half-chewed popcorn flying everywhere as he pointed a claw at the giant contraption standing before the three of them.

"...HOLY MOTHERFUCKER!" Carl screamed, his eyes lighting up as adrenaline started to flow through his veins in anticipation.