Author's Notes:

This chapter feels a little rushed to me, despite having taken me way too long. I'm starting to struggle in terms of vocabulary... it gets repetitive, I desperately need to take a trip in an English-speaking country.

Anyway, the next chapter might take a while as well, as June is a particularly crappy month for me, and between the recent heat wave and my birthday, it's like everything is going to hell at once, and I feel like shit.
Which means I'm not really in the mood to write.

My next 'normal' story will probably be about Twilight, but with a twist (a stupid one, as usual). Expect it around late July or so.

"My Queen! My Queen!"

Chrysalis sighed for the umpteenth time today. Why couldn't her minions understand that she needed some time alone? Also, why couldn't they obey an order as simple as 'don't fucking enter the damn room'?
And why were they so good? She couldn't afford to do anything to them. As annoying as they were, the benefits of having such skilled, highly trained drones far outweighed the problems caused by their lack of understanding of the word 'privacy'.
Major con of the whole hivemind thing...

"What is it, minion?"

"My Queen, I, um..."

"Speak up!"

"I'm sorry, my Queen! I was walking past the princesses' bathroom, and I... um, heard them. I think there is something you should know."

Chrysalis simply nodded, inviting her guard to continue.

"I heard Princess Celestia talking about some sort of ape creature that she summoned in Equestria about a week ago. She was using strange words to describe him, and she seemed to be really longing for him..."

"Humph," Chrysalis scoffed. "So on top of being the useless, arrogant cunt she is... she's an apefucker?"

"Uh? I-I... I don't know, my Queen."

"Whatever! And how is this information any relevant to me?"

The guard shifted uneasily, looking away from the larger female changeling. "I... we, your royal guard, believe you need love, my Queen."

Chrysalis raised an uninterested eyebrow. "I have friendship," she stated, pointing a hoof at the five artifacts around her slender neck. Twilight's crown was sitting on top of her head, held in place by her jagged horn.

"I know, my Queen. But what if you could transform into that creature, and feed off Celestia's love for it... him... whatever it is? You would become even stronger! Especially since now, you can transform into male creatures."

The queen seemed to be considering that option, before waving a dismissing hoof. "Perhaps. I appreciate your... hm, foresight. I will consider it," she said, levitating a small device in front of the changeling guard. "Once the two princesses are back in their cell, go and put this thing in their bathroom."

"What is it, my Queen?"

Chrysalis smirked, placing another device on a table next to her throne.

"A bug."

Carl had a hard time believing it, but there it was, standing before him... a fully equipped Boeing AH-64 Apache, colloquially referred to as a 'Hunter' in San Andreas.
The metal beast was fitted with a M230 chain gun, two Hydra 70 rocket pods and eight AGM-114 Hellfire missiles.

"Aw, man! This a sight for sore eyes..."

"W-what... how... what is it?" Twilight asked, her brain still trying to process the sight of a combat helicopter. Not that she had any idea what a helicopter was, but while the concept of a rotor was rather familiar to her, she couldn't even begin to comprehend the gigantic hunk of metal it was attached to.

"It's a Hunter," Carl said, pointing at the army green wings. "Apache combat helicopter."

"What does it do?" she asked, slowly taking a step towards the giant machine.

"It's a combat aircraft, man... it can fly and shoot. You see this shit?" the young man asked, pointing a finger towards the mounted machine gun. "This thing right there shoots bullets, and there are missiles and rockets on the wings."

"I... I don't know what those things are. What do they do?"

"What do they do? They fuck shit up! C'mon, I'mma show you." he said, walking up to the chopper and rubbing a hand against the gleaming metal. "Damn, we ain't gonna need anything or anyone else, man! With this bad motherfucker right there? We can level Canterlot in a matter of seconds."

Twilight snorted. "B-but, but! We can't do that! If we destroy the castle, then the princesses will-"

"CARL JOHNSON! WHAT IN THE HELL DID Y'ALL DO TO MY ORCHARD?"

"Aw, shit!" Carl sighed. "Look AJ, I don't know what happened, but I'm tellin' you, it ain't important, alright? You see this thing? That means we won, man."

"Ah swear, CJ, if you don't-"

"Hey, c'mon!" he picked up Applejack in his arms, cutting her off. "I promise I'll help you grow some more trees and shit later, but for now, we got a kingdom to take back! 'Know what I'm sayin'? Let's move!"

Applejack frowned, jumping on the ground. "Ah hope for yer sake yer tellin' the truth, CJ. Ah'd hate to have to buck ya in yer private parts. 'Specially this time o' the year."

"You fucking what?"

After inspecting the helicopter for a few seconds, Twilight shook her head and glanced briefly towards Carl. "Which one of us should go with you? There are only two seats." she asked, interrupting his stare contest with the country mare.

"Y'all are small as shit, so you can both fit in the same seat. We ain't got time to fuck around, if that bitch got my letter then she's probably expectin' something to happen. Probably not that, but the more time we leave her to get ready... let's go already, c'mon! Shit, what we even waitin' for?"

Carl patted Applejack on the head and jumped in the pilot's seat, letting out a sigh of relief. He hadn't flown in a few weeks, but that wasn't something one could simply forget. He took a few seconds to check the various systems, and called out for the two mares who were still gawking at him - or rather, at the chopper.

"Yo, move yo' asses!"

"Wait, CJ!" Applejack shouted, glancing behind her. "My sister says she can help you!"

Raising an eyebrow, Carl climbed out of the chopper and raised the other eyebrow at a very, very small, pale yellow pony with a pink bow in her dark red mane. The filly was trotting up to Applejack, carrying a little blue thing in her mouth.

"Hey, cracker!" he yelled, taking a few steps towards her and flashing an aggressive ghetto sign. "Wassup?"

"Uh... mister Carl, is it? It's a pleasure ta' meet y'all! Ah'm Apple Bloom. Mah sis' talks about ya a lot."

Applejack blushed and waved a dismissive hoof at her little sister. Carl just kneeled down and shook the little pony's hoof.

"'Sup, man. What's poppin'?"

Apple Bloom motioned to the blue scroll on the ground next to her. "Ya see, a few months ago, me an' the other Crusaders, we tried ta' get our cutie marks in burglary. We tried ta' steal Princess Celestia's crown an' all! It didn't work, but we had ta' get the blueprints of the castle to know how ta' get in. Ya can take 'em! It'll probably help ya."

"You for real, lil' girl?" Carl smiled, grabbing the blueprint and examinating it. "Shit! This gon' be real useful." he said, turning to Applejack. "Man I'm tellin' you, your family is fucking great."

"One more thing, mister Carl?" Apple Bloom raised a hoof and tugged on Carl's pants.

"Jeah?"

"Ah don't know where the princess are bein' held up, but Ah reckon they could be in the Crystal Caves. It's a secret underground place, a network of caves made of crystal, deep below the castle. The entrance is on the blueprints, but Ah don't have a map of the caves or anythin'. Ah thought ya'd wanna know. Anyway, Ah hope ya gonna succeed. Ah'd hate ta' see mah sister puttin' her trust in somepony who ain't reliable."

The young man chuckled and patted Apple Bloom on the head. "Don't worry, lil' girl. Twi, AJ and I, we gon' storm the place." he said confidently as the little filly walked back into the farmhouse. "Gonna show 'em motherfuckers who's gangsta. Twilight, nigga!"

"Yes, Carl?" the unicorn inquired, still not fully used to the human's strange language.

"Let's go. When's the Sun goin' down, by the way? And who's even movin' the damn thing if both princesses are locked up?"

"Don't worry Carl, Princess Celestia is powerful. She can easily move the Sun from... wherever she is. She's connected to the Sun itself, so she doesn't even need actual magic to do it."

"A'ight, whatever. C'mon!" he said, jumping back into the chopper and giving a hand to both (frightened) ponies, helping them to get into the co-pilot's seat.

He put on his helmet and headphones, and took a deep voice. "Welcome aboard! You're flying CJ Airlines, and this yo' captain, CJ. Temperature outside is too damn hot, and we headin' for Canterlot. Hope y'all gon' enjoy yo' flight."

He didn't consider the fact that neither Twilight or Applejack could hear him over the increasingly loud roaring of the blades, but he didn't really care. He didn't care about how scared both of them were, either.

"CARL! STOP THIS THING, I WANNA GET OFF! IT'S TOO LOUD! WE'RE TOO HIGH!"

"C'mon, Twi! Get a grip!" Applejack grabbed her friend's hoof, forcing the purple mare to look at her. "He seems to know what he's doin'. Ah was scared at first but damn, Ah feel invincible in this thing."

"But it's impossible! It's too heavy to take off! It's too big to fly! It's too-"

"Twi, listen. Ah know yer all sciency an' stuff, but look! Yer magic probably looks just as freaky to him, as this giant machine thingy does to us. It's somethin' we don't know and didn't believe could even exist, but it's here, right? The way Ah see it, if it's gonna help us, why should we bother tryin' to understand how it works as long as it does work?"

"Applejack, you can't understand. It's just not possible!"

"Ah wonder why yer more intrigued by how this thing works than by the fact it even appeared in Equestria in the first place. How's that even possible?"

"I don't know. It's probably because I... messed up an enchanting spell. An average spell gone wrong can have much more potent effects than an obscenely powerful spell executed correctly. And I think I accidentally charged the-"

Both ponies were thrown against the side of the cockpit as the metal beast swerved violently, the gigantic castle of Canterlot suddenly in sight.

"CAAAARL!" the unicorn shouted, annoyance taking over once more.

"Uh, Twilight? Ah think ya should try to get this thing on." Applejack said, motioning towards a pair of headphones lying nearby. The lavender unicorn frowned and levitated the pair of (too small) headphones around her head.

"CARL! CAN YOU HEAR ME? STOP THIS THING AT ONCE!"

A chuckle was heard, followed by a clicking noise.

"Shit no, we ain't stoppin'. Now you both hang on, girls. We gon' let 'em know we mean business." Carl smiled and flicked a panel open, revealing a red button. "Warning shot!" he shouted, pressing the button.

Twilight shielded her eyes from the explosion with a hoof.

"A little low."

"CAAAAAARL! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?" she shrieked, watching as the fire started to consume the remains of what was once Fancy Pants' manor.

"Shit. I haven't piloted one of these things in a long time, man! Gimme a break! Now we're just- uh... damn!"

"Carl? Hello? What's wrong?" Twilight started to panic, frantically screaming in the little microphone.

"Shit! I forgot the damn horn back in the orchard!"

"Let's go back, then!"

"No way, fuck that, I'm gonna level the place instead."

"YOU'LL KILL THE PRINCESSES!"

"They're fucking immortal!"

"CARL I SWEAR IF YOU-" Twilight was cut off by a deep rumbling, followed by the sound of metal stressing and a strange hissing screech. She glared in terror as a trail of smoke rapidly made its way towards the main entrance of the castle.

"Hellfire away."

"NOOOOOO!"

"For fuck's sake!" Carl swore angrily, the now familiar sight of a dark green force field bringing back rather bad memories. The missile hadn't been deflected, but it had simply exploded harmlessly in mid-air upon hitting the magical shield. "Shit, I don't have enough ammo to be poundin' this motherfucker for hours!"

He turned the helicopter around, heading for a small field not far from the castle. He landed the metal beast and stopped the engine, picking up a MP5 submachine gun that was conveniently lying on the floor of the cockpit. "Better than nothin'..." he sighed, getting out of the aircraft and helping the two terrified mares down.

Twilight looked around in a mix of annoyance, fear and apprehension. "Now what?"

"I don't know, man. I guess you right, I should have planned ahead... I should have known, things ain't never that easy. Say, you know what this green force field thing is?"

"Yes. It's a very basic defensive spell used by changelings. Basic, but extremely effective. It's self-sustaining, and-"

"I know, I know! Uh... look, it doesn't matter. Can we walk through it?"

Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Of course, any living being can get through it. It's just a shield that blocks incoming offensive magic," she said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"Offensive magic? So you sayin' the bird was fitted with magic Hellfire missiles?"

"I don't know," she replied, raising the other eyebrow. "What bird?"

"Shit. I should have tried the M230."

"The onto- what?"

"Twi, CJ, can y'all stop arguing for a second here?" Applejack asked, exasperated. "Ah'm tryin' to read this here thing," she added, pointing at the blueprints in her hoof. "Damn it, this is confusing."

"Lemme see this shit," Carl said, snatching up the paper. "Meh, we ain't gonna need this. Look, this shit real simple," he said, grinning and cocking his weapon for dramatic effect. "All we gotta do is find that Chrysalis girl, and show her what's crackin'."

"We can't do that, Carl! Have you lost your mind? This isn't even dangerous, it's suicidal. I'm gonna go back home, okay? Maybe I'll find a book or something to help us."

"What fucking book? Twilight, for real, I swear if you teleport away I'm gonna-" Carl froze up as the purple mare teleported away. "GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!" he screamed, slamming his fist against a nearby tree. "What the fuck is wrong with that bitch? What the fuck's her problem?"

"Ah don't know," Applejack replied, shaking her head. "But she's right, CJ. We better go home. This would be suicide, we don't stand a chance. That metal bird of yours apparently ain't workin' against 'em, and we're alone."

"Maybe we can go back and grab the horn or somethin'? I bet I could take all of them motherfuckers on at once if I-" once again, Carl froze up as he heard footsteps behind him. He quickly turned around, aiming his MP5 at a young Earth pony mare with an aquamarine coat and mane, and dark cerise eyes. "Lyra? Is that you, girl?"

The mysterious pony shook her head, and extended a hoof. "Who Lyra? I of Minty. What name is you?"

Carl raised an eyebrow. Something about this pony was definitely off. Maybe it was the way she casually walked up to them to introduce herself, or her strange speech pattern and accent, or the way she looked at him, or... yeah.
Better make a list of what was not off about her.

She also seemed the be the only living creature wandering in the open, somehow. Perhaps Carl's little stunt with the Hunter scared every other surviving pony and they all barricaded themselves in their homes or something?

Brushing those irrelevant thoughts aside, he reluctantly shook her hoof. "My name's Carl. What's up?"

"Minty of hearings you and orange pony are look of way for enter castle, yes? Minty of helpings, da?"

"What you sayin'?"

The mare snorted, visibly annoyed. "Minty is of helping you. You get enterings of castle."

"Uh... yeah? I guess, yeah. We wanna find a way to enter the castle. Why? You really think you can help us?"

"Da."

"What you gonna do?"

"There of secret way inside castle if you of stealth. Minty is stealth. Minty is get you in," the strange mare said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "Follow lead of Minty."

Carl and Applejack exchanged worried glances.

"Let's be careful 'round this mare, partner. There's somethin' real fishy about her."

"No shit." the young man replied, holding tighter onto his weapon.

He had had pretty bad experiences with Russians.

"Minty would of preferrings if you not stop to fight like cyka blyat every five minutes."

"It wasn't my fault, man!" Carl said, flustered. For the second time, he had been pounced and immobilized by that large white stallion. "Motherfucker's paranoid or somethin'. His bitch ain't even my type! Fuck, can't a brother check a bitch out without white folks dissin'?"

"Minty is not care. Very dangerous place here, many comrades have of fallings in battle. Death will making you not care of type. Move."

"She's right, Carl. We can't stay out in the open for too long. Ya heard Shining Armor, even he and Princess Cadance didn't stand a chance. It's a miracle they managed to walk away, and unscathed! They probably didn't meet Chrysalis herself... she'd have killed 'em outright."

"They're pussies, man!"

"No, they're not," Applejack stated, glaring at Carl. "They're extremely powerful. They're the ones who defeated Chrysalis the last time. Besides, why would ya do somethin' like that? Ya know ya can't just walk up to a mare and slap her flank, right? Especially not when her husband's right here by her side... Ah didn't think Ah'd ever say that but, have y'all been raised in a barn?"

"Man, I don't give a shit. I'm gangsta."

"Whatever ya say. Ah reckon yer gonna have to step up yer game, though, 'cause where we're goin', it ain't gonna be one stallion pouncing you."

"Heh... what about you, AJ? You ain't nervous 'bout this shit?"

"Ah am, Carl," she replied, looking around in a mix of sadness and anxiety. "Ah am."

A few minutes later, the trio arrived in front of a large wooden door.

"There. You of quiet inside," Minty said, pointing a hoof towards an unguarded entrance. "Changelings of stupid like kebab but good hearings like Serb."

"Ain't this a little too easy?" Carl asked, glancing at Applejack. "No guards or anything? It's like the bitch wants us to get inside."

"Ya think she's expectin' us?"

"We'll find out soon enough."

Minty turned around and frowned. "Minty say last time. You of shutting mouth now, or Minty crack skull with hoof. Vy poni'maete?"

Once again, the human and the country mare exchanged weird glances, deciding to stay silent as they followed the strange mare down a large, empty corridor.

"Here royal room, is Tsaritsa inside. You can of enterings and make kill. Minty is leave now."

Before Carl could react, the aquamarine pony was gone. "Man, who the fuck was this girl?"

"Ah don't know, but we're here... and we haven't even seen one single changeling so far. Ah don't like this, CJ. Something's wrong."

"Maybe Twilight was full of shit, and there ain't hundreds of 'em?" he said, shrugging. "Yeah, that must be it," he added, slowly pushing open the large golden doors.

Chrysalis raised her head from her book and stared at the two intruders. One of them was an Element of Harmony, and the other a tall, hairless brown-ish ape wearing strange clothes. He was holding in his hands a black piece of metal, which he was training on her.

"Chrysalis! I've come for you, you motherfucker!"

The changeling queen smirked, knowing that she was way too powerful to be defeated or even threatened by anything at this point, much less by these two puny creatures. When she intercepted the letter, she thought that strange creature could become a problem, but this?
She wouldn't even break a sweat against a hundred like him.

"So, you are the creature Celestia has taken a liking to, huh? Interesting... now, now, I am feeling generous. So before I kill you both, I will allow you to state your identity, and the reason of your... intrusion. Maybe I will even allow you to live long enough to see the glorious things changelings will do to New Equestria!"

Carl cocked his MP5 once again. "Yeah, yeah. You keep talkin', you scrawny piece of shit. The only thing your ass is gonna do is free the princesses and get the fuck off their 'hood, unless you want me to splatter your brains all over the fucking walls."

"Such vulgarity," the queen said, smiling. She pointed a hoof towards Applejack. "You. Aren't you an Element? Why would you be walking around with such a foul, ugly, ignorant beast?"

Applejack put a hoof against Carl's leg. "CJ, please, don't," she pleaded as he cocked his gun for the third time today.

The young man smiled, lining up his sights with Chrysalis' forehead. "Any last words?"

"Quite a few, in fact," Chrysalis replied, grabbing Carl and Applejack with her magic, and causing the submachine gun to simply blink out of existence. "For one, nothing resists changeling magic."

The queen's smirk grew even larger as both intruders disappeared engulfed in green flames before they could react.

Her horn shut down as she took a sip of her coffee. "We're gonna need some new cells," she said to herself, smirking as a familiar mare entered the room. "Thanks, Minty. You did really good."

"Da, tovarisch." The Earth pony's eyes flashed green as her body reverted back to its normal form. "I mean, anytime, my Queen."

For the first time in centuries, Chrysalis erupted in hearty, genuine laughter.

"Ah hate you, CJ."

"Fuck you, man."

Both Carl and Applejack were stranded in a small room, deep underground, below the castle. Large crystals adorned the walls, giving the makeshift jail cell an eerie, almost ethereal atmosphere.

"How the hell could I have known I wasn't immune to this shit? I thought Celestia was the most powerful magic user, and she couldn't do shit against me!"

"Who cares! What are we gonna do, now? We're stuck here! The last time somepony escaped the Crystal Caves, it was Twilight and Princess Cadance. They both have alicorn grade magic! Hell, Cadance is an alicorn. Ah'm an Earth pony, and you're a human! We can't do anythin' to get out!"

"I don't know, man, but I'm fucking pissed here."

"Why?"

"Why?" Carl said angrily, getting up. "WHY? I killed thousands of motherfuckers back home! I took down entire crack factories, I jacked a mafia casino, I murdered government agents, I wiped out all the Ballas and the Vagos by myself! Hell, I even survived Catalina's wrath for nearly a week straight! And now, I get locked up by a fucking piece of shit insect bitch in a magical pastel world?"

"CJ, calm down! We're gonna-"

"Hell no, I ain't calmin' down! You shut the fuck up! I MADE IT, A'IGHT? I RULE THE FUCKING STREETS!" Carl screamed in fury, slamming his fists against a nearby crystal wall, creating a small fissure in it.
A deep rumbling echoed through the network of caves as the fissure grew, eventually splitting the wall in two and causing its remains to shatter, revealing another, much larger room in which two familiar ponies were sleeping.

Unfazed by what had just happened, Applejack simply jumped over the debris and trotted up to the sleeping princesses. "Princess Celestia? Princess Luna? What are y'all doin' here? Are ya alright?"

"What the fuck?" Carl 'asked' to nopony in particular, having just realized it only took him 1.21 niggawatts to break out of his 'cell'. He followed Applejack into the adjacent room, which looked more like a conventional prison cell, complete with a large gate and a sleeping changeling guard on a chair right outside.

"Is she for real?" the young man asked again to nopony in particular. "Walls that can be broken through using only moderate blunt force, and a single guard, which should prove easy enough to subdue?"

"Carl, what's wrong with your language? Yer speakin' in fancy!"

Carl shook his head. "I don't know, man. I suddenly wanted to try soundin' like Twilight for once, but... it ain't workin' with me, is it?"

"Hell no! Please, don't do that again."

"A'ight, I won't," he said, looking at the two alicorns. "Now what? We wake 'em up and get the fuck outta here or something?"

"No, we need a plan," Applejack said, glancing at the two large ponies restrained by large shackles wrapped around their hind legs, and small golden rings around the base of their horns. "Ya remember the last time we rushed in without a plan?" she added, motioning to the metal chain holding the shackles to the wall. "Can ya break these cuffs?"

Carl shrugged. "I can break those cuffs."

"Then do it."

You must tear off your chain~

"Wait up, we gotta wake 'em up, first. Celestia put me through a lot of shit, but she's a good girl, I guess. We gotta let her know she's gonna be alright, you know? And who's that blue girl, anyway?"

The country mare stared at Carl, her expression somewhere along the lines of 'm8 ill fukin cut u'. "It's Princess Luna, CJ! You never met her?"

"No, but damn, she lookin' good."

Applejack blushed and looked away. "Whatever, wake 'em up and help 'em, Ah'll keep an eye on the guard."

Carl nodded and prodded Celestia's muzzle with a finger. It didn't wake her up, however, only causing her to sneeze, spraying Carl's forearm in wet mucus.

"Son of a bitch!" the human shrieked, recoiling in disgust as Celestia stirred, slowly rousing from her sleep.

"Lulu... raise it, lemme sleep more..." she slurred, attempting to move away from Carl. The shackles prevented her from doing so, and she instantly opened her eyes, suppressing a scream as she saw a young human and one of the Elements of Harmony standing next to a gaping hole inside a wall.

"Yer awake, Princess?" Applejack asked, trotting up to Celestia and nuzzling her neck.

"Applejack... Carl? What are you doing here?"

Carl kneeled down in front of the white mare and petted her head. "C'mon now, it's alright, girl. I told you I'd come for you, man. You ain't got my letter but it doesn't matter. I wasn't gonna let you rot in here while Chrysalis is roamin' free. C'mon, we gotta move, that bitch is going down. Wake up the blue girl and we outta here, baby."

Somehow compelled to do as Carl said, Princess Celestia slowly rose to her feet and nudged her sister awake. The blue alicorn looked around with a bored expression on her sleepy face. "Why hast thou waken us up, sister?"

Carl took a step towards the princess of the night. "Hey yo, girl! What's up?" he asked, extending a hand.

"Who art thou?"

"Name's Carl. We can get to know each other later, man, we gotta get outta here right now."

Luna propped herself up using a front hoof and raised an eyebrow. "How dost thou suggest we do that?"

"I don't know, man!"

Luna groaned and fell back to the ground with a cartoon-ish 'thump'.

"Look, we can figure it out later, alright? Let's just get outta this shithole and kill the guard, then we make our way up and, uh... shit. Any of you got a plan?"

The three mares facehoofed as Carl crossed his arms, displeased.

"Neither my sister or I can use our magic," Celestia stated in a sulking tone.

"Why not?"

The white mare pointed to the metal ring at the base of her horn with a hoof. "Magic restraints. They only allow us to use very basic telekinesis, at a level barely matching that of a young unicorn. And it's impossible to take these off with our hooves."

"Why? Are they enchanted or something?"

"No, but they are resistant to our weak magic, and we just can't reach our horns with our hooves."

"Why don't ya take each other's off then?" Applejack chimed in.

"Sounds kinky," Carl added, earning from the two diarchs a blush and a death glare, respectively.

"It's impossible to do so with hooves. They're too small and grip our horns too tightly."

He shrugged and reached for Celestia's horn, causing her to squirm as he effortlessly plucked the magic ring off her bony appendage. "You was sayin'?"

"Using yer hands is cheatin', Carl," Applejack stated with a grin, ignoring Celestia's embarrassed expression.

"Whatever," he said, reaching for Luna's horn as she attempted to back herself up against the wall.

"'Sup, baby? I'm just gon' help you."

"STAY AWAY FROM US, THOU FOUL APE!"

"Tough shit."

The ring came off just as easily as Celestia's did, and Luna immediately fired a powerful offensive spell. As expected, it harmlessly ricocheted off Carl's body and hit the sleeping guard through the metal bars, causing his body to twitch for a few seconds before going limp, falling off the chair.

"WHAT HAST THOU MADE US DO?" Luna shrieked at a less than impressed Carl. He wrapped a hand around her horn and looked into her eyes, oblivious to Celestia's blush and hate-filled glare.

"Don't trip," he said calmly, letting go off her magic source as she slumped over on the ground.

"Uh, Carl?" Applejack inquired. "Ah don't think ya should keep touchin' ponies' horns like that, ya know?"

"I don't give a shit. Look. We could have been outta here half an hour ago, alright? Y'all gonna keep talkin', or are we gonna move already and take that fucking kingdom back?"

He helped both princesses up and raised an eyebrow as Luna's horn started to glow, a magic aura forming around the four of them. The three ponies disappeared in a bright blue flash of light which blinded him, causing him to stagger backwards, alone in the prison cell as he suddenly remembered that he was immune to pony magic.

"Son of a bitch."