"Say what now?" Carl asked in disbelief, his eyes wandering on the alicorn's slender frame. She was barely five and a half feet tall, and probably weighed less than a hundred and fifty pounds. 'Man, she needs some' to eat. She skinny as a motherfucker, how the hell she gon' lift me?' he thought. Maybe gravity on this planet wasn't the same as Earth's? That sure would explain why the ponies are so light, and how those bird horses can even take off with their unimpressive wingspan.

Celestia's warm smile did little to reassure him. "I promise you, it will be fun." she said, conjuring up and levitating a strange object in front of the human. "Oh, and take this."

"Yo, what is this thing?"

"It's a little... novelty item, you could say."

"Oh yeah? What's it for?"

"Weaponized alicorn magic."

"Weaponized magic? How the hell does that work, man? And wait, is this thing a horn?"

"Yes. Yes, it is a horn. It's a replica of mine," the mare said, blushing slightly. "Do you like it?"

He would never admit it to anyone but himself, but Carl was strangely drawn to the long, phallic object. He had been somewhat obsessed with horns ever since he arrived in Equestria, and even a fake, metallic one seemed to have that effect on him. It was starting to trouble him deeply, to the point trying to convince himself he was just missing his guns wasn't even working anymore.

"Yeah, this is a nice horn, I guess. How does it work?"

"It is pretty simple," she said, pointing a hoof at a small red button protruding out of the base of the disembodied horn. "Make sure you have a firm grasp on it, and press this button. It will unleash a beam of magical energy from its tip. While it is a pretty simple and basic offensive spell, being powered by alicorn magic makes it very dangerous."

"Man... whatever. This shit's still better than Emmet's."

"Come on, Carl. Get on my back, and you will see for yourself just how obscenely powerful this thing can be."

Carl hesitated for a few seconds and reluctantly climbed onto Celestia's back, the white mare straining under his weight.

"You alright, Princess?"

"I... I think so. How much do you weigh, Carl?"

"Shit, I don't know! Like, two hundred or somethin'?"

"Oh... we'll be fine." she said in a reassuring tone, before spreading her wings. Carl's left arm was wrapped around her neck, and his legs were dangling behind her wings. His right hand was holding onto the horn, thumb hovering above the button.

"You sure this shit is safe? I don't wanna fall off, man!"

"Don't worry, just hold onto me tightly." she said, a smirk forming on her face. "Very tightly..."

"What we doin'? Where we goin'? What we- SHIT, WOAH, MAN, FUCK!" Carl screamed as Celestia flapped her wings, propelling the both of them about ten feet into the air.

"We're going to do ourselves a little fly-by."

"What the fuck's a fly-by?"

"According to my sister, it must be the equivalent of what you call a 'drive-by'."

Carl's eyes lit up as they wandered onto the grooves running along the metal horn he had in his hand. "Shit! For real?"

"For real," the alicorn replied in a playful tone. "Now, get ready... we're gonna... uh, how do you say? Pop a cap in a motherfucker?"

The young man rolled his eyes, grinning. 'Shit, white folks be fuckin' crazy.'

"Keep your white ass steady, man! I don't wanna die!"

"Don't be a pansy, Carl. Now, do you see the large dark green structure down there?"

"I'd have to be fucking blind not to see it!" Carl replied, pointing the metallic horn towards the giant structure, seemingly embedded into the side of a mountain. "Motherfucker's larger than your damn castle!"

"Precisely! Which is why it must be destroyed. On my mark... get ready!"

"What? Wait! What do I do? Blast it?"

"Three..."

"Celestia! What the fuck are we even doing?"

"Two..."

"Ah, fuck it." the young man gently pressed his thumb against the red button, ready to push it as he aimed the 'weapon' towards what seemed to be his target. He wasn't sure this would be any fun, but he couldn't bring himself to tell Celestia to leave him alone. Besides the obvious fact blasting shit with magic beats kissing creepy ponies any day... he didn't know her all that well, but he knew that he was having a really particular effect on her.
He was way too proud of that to do anything that could put an end to it.
Royalty bowing down to him, and adapting to his lifestyle? Shit, that wasn't something he ever thought he would see, and he was sure as hell gonna make sure it would last for as long as possible.
Or at least, just a little bit longer...

"One..."

"Now?"

"NOW!"

Celestia folded her wings as she dived through the purple night sky, her horn lighting up as she readied her attack. Carl simply pressed the button, and almost lost his grip on the horn as it fired a powerful beam of bright yellow light, similar to the one coming from the tip of Celestia's own horn. Both beams reached their target and created a small explosion, sending sparks everywhere and causing ripples of ethereal light to run across the surface of a previously invisible force field covering the entire structure.

Spreading her wings to slow her descent, the white alicorn tilted her body to the side and looked back to Carl, grinning. "Looks like she somehow sensed that we were coming... get ready for another strafing run, Carl! We're going around!"

"What? Why? It's pointless, man! Did you see that green shit? I don't think our weapons can touch it!"

"We just need to find another approach!"

"What you sayin'? Man, I can barely hear you with all that wind!"

"We're moving too fast!"

"NO SHIT! Slow the hell down, damn! I think I got a plan!"

Listening to her 'rider', Celestia slowed down as she descended into a deep forest surrounding the area. Once they were out of sight, she hovered a few feet above the ground and turned back to Carl. "A plan, huh? What is your plan?"

"I don't know exactly, but... how does that green thing work?"

"It's a very simple force field. The magical equivalent of a shield. It requires a lot of energy to cast, but it's a self-sustaining spell. It draws magic from itself."

"What the fuck does that mean?"

Celestia rolled her eyes. "Once it's up, it will stay up until it's destroyed, or removed by whoever cast it. It can regenerate itself when damaged, and when under attack, the shield will draw energy from the areas that are not under attack. It will use that energy to reinforce the area being attacked, but it will eventually break if it stays under attack long enough. Once it has used all of its surrounding energy without enough time to regenerate it, it will simply shut down and dissolve."

Carl took a few seconds to process the new informations. Magic was so strange and foreign to him, yet pretty interesting...
He had no idea why Celestia wanted to destroy that large structure, but he never really cared about the reasons behind what he was doing when working for someone. Whenever he was asked to kill, destroy and blow shit up, he always did it without ever really knowing why he was doing it. And he never really cared, either. It was always entertaining, if not a little... risky.
Not that he was working for Celestia, but...

"So the more we attack it, the more magic it uses to block the shit we throw at it?"

"Yes."

"How long until it runs out of energy if we keep sprayin' it?"

"It depends on the strength of whoever cast it. I would say about three hours... maybe four."

"Shit! And when it's focusing its energy on one area to block our attacks, does that weaken the rest of the thing that ain't bein' attacked?"

"Um... yes, very much so."

"So why don't you focus your attacks on one side, and once it's starting to drain energy from the other side, I blast a hole in the motherfucker?"

Mentally scolding herself for not having thought of that first, Celestia smiled. "That's not really a fly-by anymore but... hey, that's a great plan nonetheless. Let's go!"

"Hey yo, drop me on top of that tree right here! I can get a clear shot from there. You go around and spray that shit!"

"No, Carl. I can't risk it, you'll be within range in case of a counterattack."

"So what you suggest?"

"You see that mountain over there?"

Carl's eyes widened. "What? You can't be for real, that shit is like three miles away!"

"So? Are you afraid your aim might not be good enough?" Celestia smirked. She was slowly starting to understand how Carl worked, and how to push his buttons. She was never really the manipulative type, but she was glad she was finally starting to figure him out.

"Bitch, I'm a crack shot! Let's do the damn thing!" the young man bellowed, a look of determination on his face. He tightened his grip on the horn as well as around Celestia's neck as she started to rise into the air once again.

Suddenly, a green flash from below startled the two of them as Celestia swerved to the side, narrowly avoiding a beam of energy.

"What the fuck was that?"

"Oops! I think she knows we're here! Well, this ought to be interesting..." the princess said, gaining altitude. "Hang on!"

Carl was starting to feel uneasy. If he weren't flying two hundred feet in the air at over fifty miles an hour, he would have had to wipe the sweat off his brow. As long as he knew what he was up against, he never felt fear. He never had any trouble defying the odds and going loud in the most dangerous and unlikely situations he could have ever gotten himself into... but this was totally foreign, and he had little to no control over it.
For the first time in his life, Carl was feeling fear.

"What the fuck do I do? Do I shoot back?"

"Can you see her?"

"See who?"

"Chry-" another green beam of light ripped through the night sky, searing through Celestia's left wing. She let out a pained scream as her body tilted to the side, quickly losing altitude as the smell of burnt skin and feathers started permeating the air.

"FUCK! CELESTIA! YOU OKAY?" Carl screamed, frantically waving his metal horn towards the ground, ready to fire at whatever was attacking them.

Before the alicorn could answer, a third green flash illuminated the sky as another laser hit her right in the side. Carl fired his horn instinctively, and the surge of polarly opposed magical energies created a large fireball, causing him to lose his grip on Celestia.

When the smoke cleared, he could only stare in a mix of awe and shock at the white mare's body slowly falling out of the sky, his own body making its way downward through the cold night air, and towards the hard, rocky ground. The clouds became increasingly distant as Carl started to realize exactly what was happening.

"I HATE GRAVITY!" was the last sound that rang through the air before his body slammed onto a rock at near terminal velocity, all of his bones shattering on impact in a pool of crimson liquid.

"Aw, man! My fucking head!" Carl whined, rolling on his side. Where the fuck was he? Was he back home? Was this all a dream?
Opening his eyes, he let out a deep sigh and groaned loudly at the sight of the cartoon-ish, excessively green grass surrounding the area, and on which a white equine was standing, looking down at him.

"Who are you?" the creature asked.

"Man, fuck! There's too many white horses 'round this motherfucker! Where in the fuck am I?"

The pony raised an eyebrow, before pointing a hoof behind Carl. The young man turned around to see a large building with a banner reading 'Ponyville General Hospital'. Below the banner was a sign sporting a white cross against a red background with four bright pink hearts on it. A similar sign was etched on the white pony's flank.

"Aw, shit..." suddenly, Carl remembered the events that led him to being wasted for the first time in months. "OH, MOTHERFUCK! Celestia! Is she alright?"

Nurse Redheart raised an eyebrow at the strange creature who had just appeared in front of the hospital a few minutes earlier. "Princess Celestia? Who are you? Haven't you heard?"

"Heard what?"

"Princess Celestia and Princess Luna... they have been captured and imprisoned by our new ruler."

"What? How? Captured? New ruler? Nigga, what the fuck is this bullshit?"

"I..." the white pony wasn't really scared of the (visibly shaken) strange creature using inappropriate and profane language for no apparent reason, but she wasn't sure whether she could trust him or not. After all, she had never seen such a being, and changelings were known for their shapeshifting abilities. "What are you?"

"I'm a human, but what the fuck do you care, man? What is this shit you talkin' about? Who the fuck's the new princess?"

"Queen," Redheart corrected, glancing towards the distant side of the mountain upon which rested Canterlot. "Queen Chrysalis."

"Queen what now? I don't even know who the fuck that is! Where's the princesses bein' held up?"

"Um... I don't know? Only Chrysalis and her minions would know..."

"Fuck! And when did that shit happen?"

"About a week ago..."

"WHAT?" Carl screamed in disbelief. "It took you motherfuckers an entire week to fix me up? Goddamn!"

Nurse Redheart took a step back, startled by Carl's sudden outburst.

"In San Andreas, they do that shit in twelve hours!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Nothing, c'mon, get your ass outta here! Shit, I gotta go find her!"

"You..." she trailed off as Carl got up and started walking away. "Wait!"

The young man turned back and raised an eyebrow. "What?"

Redheart reached for something in her saddlebag and gave it to Carl. "I found this on the ground, lying next to you. I assume it's yours... whatever it is."

"For real? Thanks, man! This shit's gonna be useful." he said, grabbing the long metallic object and walking away as the white pony entered the hospital. 'Back in San Andreas, they'd have stripped me off this motherfucker...' he thought, holding onto the horn-gun. 'Or maybe they wouldn't have... it don't really look like no strap.'

A smile formed on the young man's face as his thumb hovered above the red button. It looked like he had just received his first real mission in Equestria.

Sitting in the grass, in the middle of Ponyville's town square, Carl pumped a proud fist into the air as he finished writing his (crude) checklist. He didn't know what he was up against exactly, and he didn't want to take too many chances. If these ponies needed an entire week to patch him up, risking getting wasted again was definitely not an option.
Thankfully, it didn't take him long to come up with a plan, and writing it down seemed like the sensible thing to do.

After all, he had suffered from a severe concussion. Hitting the ground at nearly a hundred miles an hour after a several hundred feet freefall always had that effect on him, no matter how many times it happened. Perhaps a week had given him enough time to 'heal up', but he still prefered writing things down.

He got up and smiled at his flawless plan, reading it one last time.

HOW TO GET CELESTIA'S 'HOOD BACK IN 10 EASY STEPS - BY CARL JOHNSON

1 - Go to Twilight Sparkle's place
2 - Insult her and punch her in the face for various reasons
3 - Ask her everything there is to know about that Chrysalis bitch
4 - Get some backup, especially Applejack and her big ass brother
5 - Kill a few of Fluttershy's chickens and fry them (shit, I'm hungry)
6 - Go to Canterlot on foot, the train must be swarming with pigs
7 - Reach the castle without being seen (only hard part)
8 - Go loud and spray everything in sight with magic shit
9 - Kick the throne room door open and torture- rape- anally rape- throatfuck- kill Chrysalis
10 - Free the princesses

Still smiling, Carl made his way through Ponyville, and eventually found himself in front of the Golden Oaks library. He knocked on the door and waited.
And waited.

And waited...

And kicked the door clean off its hinges.

"TWILIGHT! WASSUP? YOU IN HERE, GIRL?"

A very angry Twilight Sparkle teleported in front of him. "Back off! Back off or I'll shoot!" she threatened, aiming her horn at him.

By now, Carl had become used to this mare's surprisingly unstable and violent behavior, and he simply shook his head, unimpressed. "C'mon man, you trippin' again. You gon' set shit on fire again if you don't calm yo' ass down," he said, picking her up and placing her on a nearby table as if she were an object.

Her eyes lit up in realization. "Carl! It's you! It's really you!"

"No shit?"

"I'm sorry, I thought... I thought you were a changeling!" she said, looking down bashfully.

"A what now? What the hell's a changeling?"

Twilight raised an eyebrow, giving him a 'blimey m8 u fkn wot' kind of look. "Those creatures who took over Equestria... Carl... where were you during last week's events? I haven't seen you in... a week."

"I was gettin' fixed up, man! Y'all have some slow ass doctors, I'm telling you. Took 'em a week."

"What happened to you?" the mare asked, a hint of worry in her voice.

"I fell."

"Oh. Wait a minute... you were with Princess Celestia the night she was assaulted and captured! Weren't you?"

"Yeah," Carl said in a flat tone. "She thought it was a good idea to fly with me on her back and go blast on shit or something. We got hit by some green laser shit. Plucked her ass right out of the sky, and mine along with it. I fell like three hundred feet."

"You... what, I... you... WHAT?" she screamed, her eyes widening beyond what should be physically possible.

she has special eyes

"How did you survive?"

"Three hundred feet, man! I didn't survive, I fucking died."

"You... died?"

"Jeah."

"...ooooookay," she 'replied', her left eye twitching heavily.

"So what's the plan? I mean, I made a quick plan myself to go and kill that bitch, but I could use some backup, especially to free Celestia. I think I can find my way around Ponyville, but that's all. I wouldn't know where the fuck to look if she ain't in the castle."

Twilight's face dropped as she looked away. "We... we can't do anything to free her. It's over, Chrysalis won."

"Over? Man, I ain't even started fightin' yet."

"She cannot be fought, Carl."

"Why the fuck not?"

"She... she has rendered the Elements of Harmony useless by feeding off the very source of their powers..."

Carl sat down on a way too small chair at the table on which Twilight was standing. "That don't mean I can't kick her ass! And what's that source of power you talkin' about?"

"Our friendship."

"Your friendship? She's feedin' off your friendship? What the fuck does that even mean?"

"Changelings feed on emotions. They draw their power and energy from that. We always believed love to be the strongest emotion for them to feed upon... but friendship seems to be much, much stronger, somehow. Her drones are stronger than she used to be, and she is practically invincible now..."

"What the fuck man."

"I'm sorry, Carl. There's nothing anypony could have done..." Twilight said sadly, her eyes watering. "Princess Celestia shouldn't have done whatever it is you two were doing that night... but I can't blame her. Or you. You were just having fun, right?" she said, beginning to tear up.

"I guess... shit." Carl looked around, trying to find something encouraging to tell the purple unicorn. Suddenly, something clicked in his mind. "Wait."

"What?" she asked, raising her head and wiping a tear off her cheek.

"Friendship ain't even a fucking emotion!"

"B-but... but they can feed on it!"

"FUCK THIS SHIT!" Carl screamed as he got up, flipping the table over as Twilight managed to teleport out of the way before it crushed her. He turned his nigga moment dial from 'white boi' to '50% nigga' and gave the mare a stern look. "Now it's time you motherfucking horses get real, and listen to a brother, a'ight? I have experience in that shit, and we're gonna do this thing my way. You got that?" he said in an unnecessary loud voice, pulling out a small piece of paper and giving it to Twilight.

Unable to resist Carl's leadership and (moderately) powerful niggatry, Twilight sighed. After all, nothing anypony came up with so far had been even close to being a viable plan. Whatever he could have come up with couldn't possibly be worse.

She frowned as she read through his 'checklist', trying to remain calm. "I'm just going to ignore steps two and five."

"Man, step five was the best of 'em all."

"Whatever... what is step eight about? The most powerful unicorns have barely enough energy remaining to levitate small objects! Princess Cadance and I can teleport, but that's only because we're princesses. At least she is... but I should totally be a princess. Don't you think? And anyway, how do you plan on, I quote, spraying everything in sight with magic shit?"

"Simple," Carl said as he pulled the metallic horn out of his pants, "with this bad motherfucker right there."

Twilight levitated the object, raising an entire army of eyebrows as she scrutinized it. "What in Celestia's name is this?"

"She gave it to me that night... she said it was weaponized alicorn magic. It can shoot lasers and shit. I still prefer bullets, but this is kinda fun."

"Weaponized..." she trailed off, her eyes wandering on a nearby bookshelf. "Stay here! Don't move, stay here! I'll be right back!" she said quickly before teleporting upstairs.

Nine minutes and thirty-seven seconds later...

As Carl was starting to wonder where Spike was, Twilight teleported back into the room with a pile of books. Carl grabbed one, titled 'Everything you always wanted to know about Changelings - but were afraid to ask', and started flipping through the pages absent-mindedly.

"I heard about weaponized magic back when I was a little filly! We can use that! Chrysalis probably doesn't expect anypony to make a move on her anymore. She would probably be vulnerable to a potential attack right now."

"That was my plan," Carl stated flatly, raising an eyebrow at what he was reading. Changelings are smaller than most ponies and rely on magic? That shouldn't be too hard.

"But I... we're gonna need backup!"

"Yeah, I said that like twenty minutes ago, man. You still trippin'... c'mon, damn! You was born trippin' or what?"

Ignoring his 'comment', Twilight brushed a strand of her disheveled mane out of her eyes with a hoof. "Right... right. Anypony in mind?"

"For sure. Even if your elemental things don't work anymore and shit, I thought we could always use Applejack and her brother. She keeps it real, and the dude's stronger than a motherfucker."

"That... that's still only four of us. What are we gonna do against an entire army? There are hundreds of them everywhere, and many of them are disguised as ponies! And even if we make it to Canterlot undetected, how are we gonna enter the castle? How are we gonna fend off dozens and dozens of changeling guards? How are we gonna find Chrysalis? How are we gonna-"

Carl clamped her mouth shut with a hand. "Look, we'll cross those bridges when we get to 'em, a'ight? One step at a time, yo."

"But I... I don't know, I'm... I'm scared."

"Look, man. Lemme tell you some'," he said calmly. "Y'know, the first time I arrived in that town, I saw strange creatures everywhere and shit? I wasn't really scared, but I was like, 'goddamn, I hope they don't see me as a threat and begin to swarm my ass, 'cause if they do, I'm a dead motherfucker'. I ain't never been too good at fighting large groups bare handed. But a few days later, when we was goin' to the castle, you remember how I fucked 'em guards up? About ten of 'em at once, and I didn't even break a sweat."

"Yes, I remember... but what does that have to do with anything?"

"They was slippin', man... but they weren't unicorns."

"So?"

"So unlike changelings, they could have hurt my ass! See that shit?" he 'asked', pointing a finger at the book in front of him. "According to the shit I'm readin' right there, changelings are smaller than most stallions and rely on magic. I'm immune to that shit, and I'm twice their size! What the fuck they gonna do when I roll through? Throw shoes at me?"

"What's a shoe? Don't you mean horseshoes? And why are you telling me all this?"

"Man... this shit simple. Listen, before I tried, I was scared of having to do somethin' I thought I couldn't do, but in the end I had no problem at all handlin' it. This is gonna be the same for you, you know? You scared and shit, but it's gonna be easy for yo' ass. You said you the most powerful unicorn, and they just a bunch of small ass insect motherfuckers! What they gon' do against you? I'm sure you can take on twenty of 'em at once if you want. Celestia ain't perfect, but if she chose you as her personal student, it ain't for nothin'! You gotta be strong enough, man! Bitch trusts you to be."

"I... I really don't know, Carl. What if-"

"Quit asking so many fucking questions, goddamn! This ain't a 'what if' situation, we ain't even sure what's really goin' on out there... we're just gonna go in and do what we gotta do, a'ight? We'll deal with the details as we get to 'em. But we'll still need some backup. We're gonna need a couple of ponies who keep it real, and a bunch of fast ass pegasuses."

"I suppose you're right... we don't have a choice, and there is no way to know what we'll be up against," the mare said, determination slowly replacing her worried expression. The young man was right, Princess Celestia herself had chosen her as her personal student and protégée, so she obviously trusted her. There was no way Twilight would ever let her mentor down.

"One thing, though... why would we need pegasi?"

"Because we're gonna need a diversion. If they can fly around and shit, they'll keep the other motherfuckers busy while we sneak in and take 'em out. 'Know what I'm sayin'?"

"I'm really not sure, Carl... apart from Rainbow Dash, I don't think any pegasus in town would be up to the task. Besides, I don't think you realize how changelings work. Hivemind, strength in numbers... we're not talking about a few guards here and there. There will be hundreds of them, everywhere! Even the Wonderbolts themselves wouldn't be able to cause a lasting diversion against an entire swarm! Changelings can fly too, you know? You may be immune to magic, but pegasi aren't!"

"I know it's suicide, but what else we gonna do, man? I ain't gonna be lettin' no punk ass changeling bitch take over no kingdom! Even if it means I have to go in there and kill that son of a bitch all by myself, then be it. I'll fucking do it."

Twilight sighed again. "I won't let you go all by yourself, Carl... we'll be there with you. But it's still foolish and awfully dangerous."

"I know, but that's usually the case for everything I do."

"If you say so... so, you're going to need me, Applejack, Big Macintosh, Rainbow Dash and... that's all?"

"I don't know, man! Who else can we get? I don't know many ponies, you know."

"Well... I'm sure Lyra would agree to help, but I don't think you would agree to let her help."

"No way, man! She's fuckin' creepy."

"I thought so."

"Where's Spike? Can't we use him to send shit to Celestia? Tellin' her she ain't got nothin' to worry about, we comin' for her white ass an' all?"

"Spike is working at Sugarcube Corner. He's watching over the Cakes' kids. Ever since that night with Rarity and Applejack... well, there's no other place in town where mares don't swarm all over him."

Carl winced at the implication. "What the fuck man."

"I know... sadly, he sees me as a motherly figure, but I swear, if I hadn't raised him myself, I think I would-"

"STOP!" Carl screamed. "I don't wanna fucking hear that shit, man! When's he comin' back?"

Twilight regained her composure and took a quick glance at the clock. "In- uh... he should have been there three minutes ago."

"Well, he's probably on his way then."

As if on cue, the door opened and Spike walked in, his face covered in dried tears and pink frosting.

"SPIKE!" Twilight shrieked, rushing to the poor dragon. "What happened?"

"Pinkie... she... she got me, Twilight!"

"Oh," Twilight's worried expression turned into one of annoyance. "Again?"

"Yeah..." he said sadly. "I hate mares so much."

Carl looked at Spike, and flashed him one of his usual ghetto signs. "Wassup, man? You been gettin' some pussy, dude?"

"I don't want to get any pussy!" Spike said in a dramatic fashion, though his voice sounded like he was far more annoyed than actually troubled.

"Why? You a faggot or somethin'?"

"No! I... I don't know. What's a faggot?"

"Uh... why don't you go ask Rainbow Dash?"

"Carl, look! I'm a kid!" Spike said, shaking his head. "Sex is boring!"

"Boring?"

"Yeah! I don't like having lollipops stuck up my butt, it feels funny!"

The human deadpanned at the little dragon, and Twilight suppressed a gasp. "Uh... yeah, whatever you say, man... look, we need to send a letter to Celestia."

"No, we can't do that. Chrysalis will intercept it..."

"For real? Shit."

"Actually..." Twilight trailed off, nudging Carl's leg with a hoof. "We could write it with invisible ink... even if it doesn't reach Princess Celestia, whoever intercepts it will be unable to read it. We could try it."

"Cool, let's do this then," Carl said enthusiastically, prompting Spike to grab a nearby quill and a piece of scroll.

Queen Chrysalis smiled as she relaxed on the throne. Her throne.
How could have she gone so long without thinking about it? Friendship... the power it holds! It truly is magic.

Whatever that strange creature on Celestia's back was, it slowed her down enough...
Under normal circumstances, alicorns can fly faster than even the fastest of pegasi, and Chrysalis knew she would never have had a chance at hitting her, especially from the ground. But even with their impressive physical strength, alicorns are still subject to the laws of physics, and thus cannot fly anywhere near as fast when carrying a tall, bulky ape on their back. She was a sitting duck- or in this case, a flying duck.

And whatever that creature was, it clearly wasn't capable of flight and couldn't have possibly survived the fall.

She had finally won. Changelings could finally rule Equestria. Fucking with irony as she bit into a large piece of Swiss cheese, Chrysalis raised an eyebrow at one of her elite drones bursting into the throne room through the double door, a piece of scroll in hoof.

"My Queen! We have a problem!"

"What is it, minion? Speak."

"We... I intercepted this in front of the princesses' cell. I-I think you should read this, my Queen..."

"Fine. Get out." she said, levitating the scroll to her face as her minion scurried away.

Dear Princess Celestia,

She stopped reading long enough to avoid choking on her cheese, before bursting in laughter. The old invisible ink trick? Really?
What kind of ignorant fools was Celestia counting on to help her in times of need?

She wiped a tear off her cheek and kept reading.

How you doin', girl? It's yo' boy Carl. Look man, I know we been beefin' and shit, and I'm a still a lil' pissed at you for the shit you done, but you's a nice girl, and I ain't gonna let no shit happen to you. I know you ain't dead, and I swear we're gonna take back your kingdom and your castle. Me an' the boys, we gon' be comin' for you and your sister... I promise you. Those insect motherfuckers are as good as dead.

You don't worry about a thing, you hear? You just hold on tight, girl. Grove Street OG's are about to rain down an ungodly fucking firestorm upon 'em motherfuckers. I'm talkin' scorched Earth and-

No, goddammit! You shut the fuck up, Twilight! I ain't exaggerating. Spike, what the fuck you doin', nigger? You ain't supposed to fuckin' write everything I say! Well yeah you are, but not that shit, goddamn!

Fuck, whatever.

So as I was sayin', Chrysalis and her army are going down.

Your somewhat faithful, whatever the fuck you wanna see me as, Carl 'CJ' Johnson.

The Queen shifted uncomfortably in her throne as she read the next part.

Dearest Queen Chrysalis,
I guess you're probably thinking, 'yo, who the fuck is that punk, thinking he can fuck with my shit?'.
Yeah, well, guess what. I'm the motherfucker you blasted off Celestia's back. Yeah, that's right, I know what you was up to, nigga! While I survived, I can guarantee you ain't gonna be gettin' out of this shit alive. Bitch, you better barricade yo' ass and count yo' holes, 'cause Grove Street's comin' to rip you another few.
Your highly unfaithful, soon-to-be murderer, Carl 'CJ' Johnson.

PS: If you do anything to Celestia, I'll spare your life and hang your fucking squirming, hole-ridden body in the middle of Ponyville for all stallions to use as a public fleshlight.

PS2: I'll even convince Spike to have a go at it. And he's packin' a double barrel.

PS3: Queen Chrysalis, this is Spike. I'm sorry, but Carl won't manage to convince me. I will not have sex with you. It's nothing personal, though. You're far more attractive than a pony, don't worry. Shut up, Carl! No, I won't do it, I told you! What? No, I'm not still writing- oh SHIT

Chrysalis let out an anguished scream as she turned the letter to ashes in a fit of rage. Her anger quickly died out, being slowly replaced by a deep, gut-wrenching feeling of dread. That creature survived the fall, knew Celestia well enough to be informal with her, and had his 'boys' to back him up?
While she was perfectly aware of her superiority, Chrysalis knew whoever - or whatever - wrote this, represented a real threat. If not only because of the fact they clearly expected the letter to be intercepted at some point.

Not feeling so confident anymore, she quickly rose from her throne with the strong intent to gather her entire army, and come up with new plans.

Author's Notes:

I finally found a way to turn this story into an actual GTA crossover, and not a 'GTA protagonist in Equestria' kind of thing. It's gonna get far less serious from now on, but also more serious at the same time.
Or perhaps at different times.

Who the fuck knows.