Sitting down between Applejack and the new creature, Rainbow Dash smirked. "Alright! So, who's going first?"

Applejack raised a hoof. "Well, CJ's our guest, after all... so Ah'd suggest maybe he should go first, ya know?"

Twilight frowned. "Easy there, girls. First things first. Lyra, Maud and Rainbow haven't even met him yet! Let him introduce himself..." she said, nodding to Carl. "Go ahead, Carl."

Carl shrugged. "Yeah, I already met Lyra, actually, but whatever you say. The name's Carl Johnson, but I guess y'all can call me CJ. What's up with y'all niggas?"

Rarity sneered, Applejack smiled, Twilight didn't really give a fuck, Lyra started drooling, Pinkie bounced up and down as usual, and her sister deadpanned (as usual).

Rainbow extended a hoof, which Carl shook without much enthusiasm. "I'm Rainbow Dash. The fastest flyer in all of Equestria."

Carl raised an eyebrow at the pegasus' rainbow mane and tail. "Damn, man! You look like you from King's or somethin'? But that's cool, I guess," the young man said before turning his gaze towards the silent gray mare. "And 'sup with you, baby? What's yo' name, girl?"

Pinkie Pie smiled and nudged her sister. The Earth pony gave Carl her trademark deadpan as she simply said, "Maud."

Taken aback by the sight of a sentient being who would give him a run in terms of not giving a fuck, Carl frowned before shrugging again. "Oh. A'ight, it's nice to meet you, man, wassup?"

Still deadpanning, Maud answered flatly, "The sky?"

"Uh... okay. Maybe we should start?" Rainbow Dash chimed in.

"Man... how you play this shit?" Carl asked, having no idea how 'sitting in a circle around an empty bottle' could possibly be played. "Is it like a drinking game or something? I'm thirsty."

Everypony except Maud started blushing.

"What? Did I say somethin' wrong?"

"Humans don't play spin the bottle?" Twilight asked.

"I don't know, man! Niggas do whatever the fuck they want with their bottles, man! But I usually drink from the motherfuckers, that's all I know. Ain't no brother ever sittin' 'round no empty bottle."

"Well, it's really simple. You'll see."

"A'ight, whatever you say. Let's just do this thing. So, I start?"

"Yeah, just spin it."

Carl spun the bottle and watched, still without much enthusiasm, as it stopped on a mortified Rarity. Oblivious to her panic, he stared at the purple unicorn. "So, what now? Do we get free drinks or some other cool shit?"

Twilight gave him a confused look. "Uh... no? It's not about drinking, Carl. You have to... um." she cleared her throat awkwardly. "You have to give her a kiss."

He raised an eyebrow. "What the fuck? You serious? Shit, you ain't never said no shit about kissing no damn horses, man! And I don't even get a drink?"

"But, uh... that's how it works! You spin the bottle, and you kiss whoever it lands on! It's not about drinking!"

"Yeah, whatever. That shit is fucking stupid, I'm outta here." he said in a tone so flat, it made Maud feel slightly moist.

Before he could get up, Rarity scoffed. "Humph! It would have been most unladylike to kiss such a foul beast, anyway."

Carl glared at her. "Hey, watchu sayin'?"

"GIRLS!" Rainbow shouted, exasperated. "...and guy." she added upon seeing Carl's glare. "Can't we just play without drama, for once? Come on, Rarity... And c'mon, CJ! Just give her a quick peck on the cheek... or, maybe you're intimidated by a pony who's barely half your size?" she smirked.

"No way dude, I ain't intimidated. But that shit's still fucking stupid." he said matter-of-factly, not falling for her bait. He turned to a flustered Twilight. "And what's up? You said there'd be booze, man! 'The fuck it at?"

The lavender unicorn sighed before calling out, "Spike!"

The little dragon walked down the stairs and glared at the eight creatures sitting in a circle. "Can you get us some beer, please?" the purple mare asked.

"Twilight, don't you think it's too early to be drinking?"

"Spike, I swear-"

"Hey, don't trip." Carl said, cutting off Twilight before turning to Spike. "Yo man, look at that shit. You see the shit I'm dealin' with, here? I'm gonna have to kiss 'em horses and shit, man... damn, I'mma need the booze, for real. Now c'mon, don't be a punk and help a brother out, dude."

Spike couldn't even find something to answer. He turned around with a near Maud level deadpan and walked up the stairs, and into Twilight's personal stash. He never quite understood why she insisted to have alcohol in her own room at all times, but he never really gave a shit, either.

"C'mon, you guys! Just a quick kiss!"

"Fine, Rainbow Dash. But you owe me big time for this." Rarity scowled.

"Yeah dude, that ain't cool." Carl added, frowning at the rainbow-maned pegasus.

Eventually, he rolled his eyes and closed them, leaning forward and giving Rarity a very quick kiss on the cheek as she looked away. He sat back down and looked at the white mare wincing in disgust as she used her magic to levitate a small piece of tissue, furiously rubbing her cheek with it. He would almost have felt offended, but since his arrival in Equestria, he had found his fucks to be surprinsingly scarce, and he was saving every single one of them in case of emergency.
This wasn't an emergency... at least not yet.

Applejack rolled her eyes. "Are ya serious, Rarity? That bad?"

Rarity didn't answer, instead she spun the bottle herself, and smiled as it landed on Applejack.

The country mare blushed, and before she could do anything, Pinkie suddenly sprung up from her sitting position and hit the ceiling, her mane somehow sticking to it as she ended up clapping her front hooves happily, suspended to a wooden board as everypony gawked at her. "Hey! Let's throw a kissing party for Rarity and Applejack! Woooooo! Slobbery kisses for everypony!"

Not waiting for anypony else to say anything, Carl stood up and grabbed Pinkie's tail, tugging forcefully on it until her 'grip' gave up and she landed on his shoulders, frowning.

"What's wrong with you? C'mon, stop fuckin' trippin', man."

"You human things are no fun at all." she pouted, taking her place back in the circle. 'You're so not fun, I'm gonna ship you with Bon Bon.' she muttered to herself.

"Thanks for that, CJ." Rainbow muttered.

"Don't mention it."

The two lovers eagerly leaned forward and gave each other a kiss, which quickly turned into a second kiss, and into a third, and eventually into a full blown, sloppy makeout session. Carl retched in disgust and put his hands up.

"Aw, man! Not this shit again!"

Much to everypony's surprise, Maud spoke up. "Get a room," she said in her usual emotionless tone.

Twilight sighed. "Girls, you're cheating..." she said, and frowned when neither party broke from their heated embrace. "Alright, that does it."

Both ponies disappeared in a flash of purple light.

Carl sighed in relief. "Thanks, Twilight. I didn't wanna watch this shit again, for real."

Before anypony could say anything, Spike walked back down the stairs carrying easily five times his own weight in beer, somehow managing to balance all of it in his small arms. Twilight grabbed and opened six bottles with her magic before levitating them around. "Thanks, Spike."

The young dragon gave her the middle finger once she had her back turned and walked back into his room, muttering things about how he was tired of reading, tired of books and tired of doing her fucking housework.

He's free!

"Lyra, it's your turn." Twilight said. 'Hey, what the fuck you do that for, man?' she thought as she watched Spike angrily striding upstairs.

The mint green unicorn spun the bottle and stared at it, eyes wide open as it started to slow down, and eventually stopped... in front of Carl's foot.

"Yes!" she shrieked, foam forming at the corners of her mouth. She glanced around and realized everypony was glaring at her. After clearing her throat awkwardly and calming down a bit, she closed her eyes and puckered her lips, leaning towards Carl, who instinctively put a hand up and pushed her back into her sitting position.

"Hey yo, back off. It landed on Maud, man. Not on me."

"B-but... it landed on your foot! I saw it!"

"Yeah, but that's just because I'm bigger than y'all. Look, man. It was closer to Maud than it was to me. Ain't that right, girls?"

He sure hoped so. Kissing a less than willing Rarity and turning her into a flustered mess was almost fun, but a creepy, drooling pony? No fucking way.

Before Lyra could object, Twilight conjured up a small ruler and started doing fancy shit with it for a few minutes, while the others watched, occasionally taking a sip of their beers, bored out of their minds. Eventually, she put the ruler down and spoke up in her most serious voice, which made her sound on par with the average politician in terms of credibility. "According to my calculations... Carl is right. Technically, it did land on Maud."

Lyra looked down and sighed, before giving Maud a quick peck on the cheek. The Earth mare remained unfazed, though she brushed a hoof against her cheek. "Not quite like a rock," she stated flatly, her deadpan suddenly becoming contagious as everypony exchanged flat stares.

Rainbow stood up a few seconds later. "C'mon, girls! This is way too boring."

"I'm with you on that one, man! That shit is whack. Yo, just look at the pink one! Even she ain't havin' fun."

Pinkie frowned. "Well, that's because I couldn't throw a kissing party, duh! You ruined it, Carl. You ruined everything."

"Yeah, you ruined it," Lyra chimed in.

Out of nowhere, Maud jumped in Carl's lap at unreal speeds and gave him a soft, sensual kiss on the cheek.

Pushing her off him, Carl got up and kicked the bottle away. "A'ight, that does it! The game's null and void, motherfuckers!"

He quickly downed the rest of his beer, and walked towards the door. He reached for the handle when Spike's voice called from up the stairs.

"Carl, yo! I just got a letter for you, nigga!"

The young man froze up. He turned around and gave Spike an angry look. "The fuck you just said, cracker?"

"W-what? I said I have a letter for you, and-"

"Nah, not that. What you called me, you lil' punk?"

"Um... nigga? Y-you said you were a nigga, so... why? I can't call you that? I don't even know what it means!"

"Man... you ain't no nigga yourself... shit!"

Twilight levitated the letter from Spike's hands, and into Carl's. "That doesn't even make any sense, nigga. You human things sure are a strange species."

Carl glared at the purple mare and sighed. Not having anything else to fuel his potential nigga moment, he dropped the issue and unfurled the scroll, reading it.

Dear Carl,

I want to f

Please make me your

FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT MAGIC-RESISTANT INK

I am truly sorry, and I want to apologize. I wish to invite you to a reputed restaurant in Canterlot tonight, to try and make up for my earlier behavior, and for my wrongdoings. There will be meat-based meals, among other treats you may enjoy.
I also have a surprise for you, something that I was told you really enjoyed doing back in your home world.

Considering your keen grasp on 'how shit works when you's a princess', I am expecting your presence. A royal carriage will be arriving shortly to pick you up.

Sincerely,
Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria

"Man... she ain't never gonna leave me alone!" he sighed.

Twilight snatched the letter from Carl's hands and read it, her face turning gradually whiter. "D-does... does that... the princess is... what?"

"I don't know, man! It almost sounds like she's askin' me out on a date or somethin'!" he said, exasperated. "This is fucking stupid."

"Is that really from Princess Celestia?" she asked to no one in particular.

Spike glared at her. "Just scan it for her signature, Twilight... jeez."

"Her... signature?"

"Well, duh! Anypony could get a dragon to send letters for them! Don't you ever actually check for Celestia's signature before you read a letter?"

"Uh... no?"

Spike sighed as he slammed a claw against his forehead. "Just run a magic scan on the back of the letter. Top left corner."

Twilight's horn lit up as she focused on a small area on the little piece of scroll until a hidden piece of text became visible. The purple mare frowned as she read it.

I'm made of sunlight,
My feathers gleam.
I am perpetual,
I keep the kingdom clean.

Spike smiled. "Yeah, that's the princess' signature, alright. Her newest one... urgh, somepony ought to tell her that it doesn't rhyme properly."

"Yeah, that shit is worse than Loc's lyrics."

Twilight was staring at the letter in a mix of awe and disbelief. Were there really things she still didn't know about?

As she was starting to get wet at the thought of having to read some more books, Carl chimed in. "Goddamn! Why they always tryna keep a player down?"

Reading the letter a second time, he brought a hand to his chin. The word 'surprise' was intriguing, to say the least.
What was she planning? What could she possibly have for him, that he used to enjoy back home? How could she know anything about him, other than what he had told her?

He read it a third time, and eventually made up his mind, shrugging before opening the door. "Hope they got some chicken, man."

"Where are you going, Carl?" Twilight asked.

"What you think? Wherever your bitch ass princess wants me to be! She ain't right in the head, but fuck that, I'm hungry." he said, waving goodbye to the little dragon and the five ponies.

"You're... why?"

"Look, Twilight. Your princess is askin' for me to go, so I'm goin', that's all. Besides, it beats kissing ponies, anyway... no offense."

Pinkie crossed her forehooves. "You wouldn't know, you meanie."

Twilight blushed and looked down. "I wouldn't know."

At this point, Spike shivered and quickly ran back upstairs.

Rainbow shrugged. "I wouldn't have minded."

Lyra frowned. "You didn't even try."

Maud deadpanned. "Kissing is not unlike massaging your lips with rocks."

As the gray mare started explaining her 'analogy' as well as the wonders of using rocks as part of a mare's everyday, healthy sexual life to the other four (confused) ponies, Carl walked out of the library and closed the door behind him. He did not want to hear anything else from that creepy fucking mare.

Spike was about to walk back into his room when Twilight's bedroom door opened, revealing a disheveled Rarity. "Oh, Spike, dear... where do you think you're going?"

The young dragon stared at his former crush. "Uh...? Nowhere, I was just going to-"

"Not so fast, darling. Surely, my little Spikey-wikey would not turn down an invitation to spend some quality time not with one, but with two ladies... now, would he?"

"Uh... Rarity? What are you talking about?"

"You will see, darling. You will see. Now please, why don't you come in and join us?"

"W-wha... I... us?"

Applejack shouted from inside the room. "Yeah, y'all remember that dragon code o' yours? Ah don't think ya completely repaid yer debt, sugarcube."

He muttered something to himself as Rarity's magic slowly levitated him into Twilight's bedroom, filled with a familiar musky scent. Spike didn't even bother fighting back, instead accepting his tragic fate. 'First, Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom, and now their sisters... why can't colts have two dicks, too?' he thought sadly.

Sitting at a table in a beautiful restaurant in the middle of Canterlot, Carl looked around uneasily. He was somewhat used to luxury, but not with classy, snob ponies everywhere, trying their hardest to keep their distances while still making snide remarks whenever they thought the young human was out of hearing range. The looks they were giving him, and the princess, weren't making him feel any better, either.

Sipping on a glass of water, Carl cleared his throat, attempting to make small talk. "So, uh... what you do for fun?"

Princess Celestia glared at him, as if he just asked her for a blowjob or something. "For... fun?"

"Jeah... you know, when you ain't sittin' on yo' throne an' all, what you do in your spare time? Like, you never chill, hang out with yo' friends and shit?"

Bashfully looking away, the white mare sighed. "Not really, Carl. I've been alone for a long time, and most ponies are too intimidated by my mere presence to partake in everyday activities with me."

For the first time, the young man felt truly sorry for the alicorn. "Damn, man! What kind of life you livin'? Shit must be boring as a motherfucker!"

Celestia had gotten used to the human's foul language by now. It didn't please her, sure, but she was able to simply ignore it. "Yes... sometimes, it truly is."

"Shit... look, you wanna do something? Like, damn, I don't know what you ponies do, but we can hang out or something if you want."

Smiling warmly, Celestia nodded. "Yes, I think I would like that... very much so," she said as she levitated her glass to her mouth. "So, tell me, Carl. What do you like to do for fun?"

"I don't know, man. I ain't been havin' much fun in a long time, you know? I been workin' hard to free my brother, and get rid of 'em fucking pushers an' all. I was born in that shit, but cleaning the streets still ain't no fucking fun. Especially when you might just get yo' ass capped at any time... I travelled across all of San Andreas, I did a lot of dangerous things... I killed hundreds of people, man! I fucked with powerful people. I could have died at any second during all of that shit."

"I... I cannot imagine how hard it was. I mean, I wouldn't know about that. Being an alicorn, I am essentially immortal..."

Carl raised an eyebrow calmly, finding himself surprised by how fast he had learned to stay cool with crazy shit like that thrown at him every few minutes.

"Immortal? What you mean? Like, you can't die?"

"Yes. I cannot die."

"How the fuck that works, man? What about if you get popped?"

Celestia deadpanned. "Popped?"

"Shit... what if you get your throat slit? What if you get disemboweled? Have your neck snapped? Your body torn in half? Crushed? Set on fire? I don't know, man, how the hell can you just not die regardless of what happens to you?"

"Actually, I can die, Carl... however, the circumstances required for me to die are far too unlikely to even be considered."

"So, what if I take a blade and just slice your head clean off right now? You gon' stay alive and reattach it or somethin'?"

"Uh..." for the first time in over twelve hundred years, Celestia found herself unable to answer a serious question. What would happen if her body was to take more damage than she can heal at once, over a very short period of time? As much as she loved staring into her enemies' fearstruck eyes as she simply reattached a severed limb, or healed a two feet long, five inches deep gush in her side... the idea of having a lethal blow delivered to her before she can react was truly frightening, even to her battle hardened mind.

"I honestly do not know. Ponies never really aim to kill."

"What about them griffon things, man? Motherfuckers are like flying lions or something! You gonna tell me they ain't tryna kill?"

"They..." the princess trailed off, looking down at the waiter putting down two large plates on the table. "Hey, food's here. Let's eat, Carl."

"What? Ah... whatever, man. I guess."

The waiter bowed and muttered, "Bon appétit!" before walking away.

Carl glared at him. "Bona peetee you too, you Jerry Lewis-liking motherfucker!"

"Carl... calm down. It simply means 'enjoy your meal'."

"For real? Damn. My bad, I thought the motherfucker was dissin' me."

As much as she hated herself for it, Celestia was really enjoying Carl's presence. There was something... natural in his attitude. Something that just screamed, 'I don't take shit from nobody and I don't care, and neither should you'. To him, she wasn't Princess Celestia, near immortal ruler of an entire kingdom. No, she was just yet another pony from a dimension he had no idea even existed a couple of days ago. She was wishing she could remember how to 'have fun', or even act informal at all... those times were so far behind her.

Taking a bite of his food, Carl growled. "Man, this tastes like shit."

The mare frowned as she levitated her own fork to her mouth. "Come on now, Carl, please don't- ew! This tastes like shit."

"Told you, man. C'mon, fuck this place. Let's get up outta here."

"W-what? Right now?"

"Yeah! Why not? See how all of 'em motherfuckers be lookin' at us? See the looks they givin' us? It's like we the weird ones or some shit."

"Actually... we kind of are the odd ones here."

"Whatever, man... look, I'm a fucking Grove Street OG, alright? When I walked up in here, I wasn't expectin' ponies to be all over my ass, but I wasn't expectin' 'em to be starin' at us like that, either! And you their damn princess! You lettin' the fuckers give you that kind of look? We ain't gotta take shit from 'em and you know that! C'mon, why don't we show 'em?"

"Carl, please... I am Princess Celestia, I can't afford to-"

"Bullshit! You're the princess, as we both keep sayin'. You can afford anything. Now show 'em motherfuckers you be havin' dinner with my ass in this joint, and if they ain't happy about it, they can get up and go eat a bag of dicks."

Having long given up on trying to reason him, the white alicorn rolled her eyes. "And how do you suggest I do that?"

"For real? Shit, girl. Lemme show you how you handle this shit." he got up and walked up to a nearby couple, staring them down and putting his arms akimbo. "'The fuck you punks lookin' at? Y'all want some of this shit, huh?" he growled, balling his right hand into a fist.

The stallion sitting at the table stammered, raising a defensive hoof. "Uh no, no! We... I'm sorry, we don't want any trouble!"

"You damn right you don't want no trouble! Now you mind your own fucking business, and you stop givin' me and the girl weird looks. You got that, bitch?"

"Yes, yes! I got that, I'm sorry!"

"Good. Bona peetee, motherfucker."

Celestia couldn't help but chuckle. She knew how much trouble she was gonna get in for this, but... it was worth it. For the first time in centuries, she was enjoying herself. Sure, it was the kind of fun that comes from watching a strange ape from another dimension ruin your reputation and insult your subjects while knowing you will deeply regret it in the near future, but... it was fun nonetheless.

The waiter approached Carl and raised a hoof. "Um, sir? I'm sorry, sir?"

The young man turned around and stared for a few seconds, still not used to having to look three feet down to see who he was talking to. "Yeah? What's happenin' with you?"

The bright blue pony cleared his throat. "Um, I'm sorry, but your behavior is quite unbecoming."

Carl raised an eyebrow. "Who that?"

"Sir... y-your behavior... you... you are rude, and loud. I must ask you to calm down, sir. Else, I will-"

"What you gonna do, man? You ain't gonna do shit. Look around you, they all givin' me and Celestia weird looks, man... we don't take kindly to that shit! They got a problem with us? Well, they can just speak up."

"But, sir! You do realize that you are a rather strange sight, right?"

"Man, back off. Look at you! Ain't no damn three foot tall horse tellin' me I am the strange one!"

Celestia couldn't hold it anymore. She got up, strided to the waiter and spread her wings as her horn and eyes started to glow. "Yeah, fuck off, punk!"

She laughed maniacally before quickly teleported outside, having realized what she just did. Carl shrugged and looked behind him, seeing the mare's ethereal mane flowing right outside the window. He turned around, ready to leave, ignoring the waiter saying something about how he needed to pay, or something. He was starting to enjoy hanging out with that weird horse princess, and nothing was going to stop him.

On his way out, he spotted a pink alicorn entering the establishment with a large white stallion by her side. He whistled as they walked by, her rump shaking with every step. He gave it a slap and grinned. "Shit, baby, this a nice flank!"

Within a second, the white stallion had pounced him and pinned him to the ground. "This is my wife, you monkey! You better stay away from her!" he growled, baring his (flat) teeth as he pressed down on the human's arm with a front hoof.

Carl didn't know whether he was truly being overpowered, or just utterly shocked to see one of these ponies actually reacting. "Hey yo, ease up, man! Damn!" he waited for the stallion to calm down and get off him. He stood up, brushed some dust off him and walked outside, clutching his arm. "Fuck! Goddamn crackers, man."

Looking around, he saw Celestia winking at him from the corner of a nearby alleyway.

"You there? What you went away for, man? I nearly got my ass beat by this pink-pony-fucking punk."

She chuckled, having seen everything. "That 'pink-pony-fucking punk' is Shining Armor, captain of the royal guard, and husband of Princess Cadance."

"Aw, fuck! I didn't know that, for real, I swear!"

"I know... That's quite alright, Carl, really." she walked up to him and smiled. "So, I told you I had something for you..." she unfurled her wings for the second time in the evening. "Want a ride?"