The white alicorn rose from her throne, her majestic mane flowing behind her as rays of sunlight glimmered in her magenta eyes. The young human walked lazily towards her, flashing a strange ghetto sign with a hand as he scratched his balls with the other.

"Carl," she spoke in a composed, yet unusually quiet voice. "I am glad to see that you came."

He raised an eyebrow. "Uh? I ain't no fool, yo' majesty. I ain't gon' ignore you or anythin'. I don't pack no heat and y'all have 'em freaky magic horn thingies, so as you said, maybe I'mma try changin' my behavior or something. Y'know what I'm sayin'?"

'If I can just convince her I'm friendly and shit, maybe I still got a chance to ever go back...' he thought.

"Um." she cleared her throat and levitated her crown off her head, glancing around nervously. "Carl, there are things that we need to discuss."

Carl briefly glanced at Applejack's poker face, and at Twilight's confused expression. "Yeah? Well, I'm listenin'."

Celestia walked up to Carl and looked into his eyes. She was hoping to see something, something that would have betrayed his rough and callous façade... but his dark brown eyes and neutral facial expression were all but impossible to read. In nearly four thousand years, the Princess of the Sun had never seen such an impressive display of not giving a fuck.

"Um... I think I would rather speak to you in private, if you don't mind." she said hesitantly, and she mentally scolded herself for it. Why didn't she simply teleport the both of them somewhere else? Or, since she probably couldn't teleport him, why didn't she tell everypony else to take a hike?

'But why would I ever do that?' she thought to herself. 'I am Princess Celestia, I do not behave in such a way. Why did I even consider it? And why is this human so oblivious to my plight?'

Carl just shrugged. "A'ight, I'm cool with that. Lead the way."

Eyeing the young man with apprehension as he followed the alicorn, Applejack shook her head. "Careful there, partner... she's up to no good."

Twilight was just gawking, unable to comprehend the fact that her mentor and friend didn't even acknowledge her presence.

After walking down a few corridors and dismissing two royal guards, the white mare opened a locked door and strided inside the large, dimly lit room, motioning for Carl to follow her. Entering the room himself, he stared uneasily at her as he heard the door close and lock itself behind him.

He glanced around uneasily. "So uh, watchu wanted to talk about, man? Did I do somethin' bad? Anything? I been tryin' to behave, honest!"

Clearing her throat once again, Celestia closed her eyes for a few seconds and took a deep breath. "Carl," she said in the most solemn tone she could manage. "I... I am glad that you are here."

He raised an eyebrow. "What?"

She closed her eyes again in shame. "I said, I am glad that-"

"Yo, you said that already, man, c'mon!" he cut her off. "You told me to come, I came, that's all. I know how this royalty thing works. I mean, this your kingdom, you's a queen-princess-thing an' all. You ask others to do shit and they do it without questioning it, whatever the fuck it is. Ain't that how shit works around here?"

She let out a sigh and turned her head away. "Yes... yes, that is pretty much how things work," she said in a sulking tone, having grown bored centuries ago of everypony acting all formal and serious while around her. "But, I am somewhat surprised to see that you simply did what I asked you to do, without questioning it."

Carl chuckled. "Well, what was I gonna do, man? It ain't like I got a lot of things to do, either! And what's up with yo' letter yesterday? I mean, I'd have come here to beat yo' ass up an' all, but I needed some time alone after seein' the shit I saw last night. How'd you know it was that white pony who wanted to fuck AJ's brains out, anyway? That shit was creepy as hell, yo."

Celestia's heartbeat increased as she cast a spell to hide her blush. She wasn't sure whether Carl could see right through it, but if he could, he didn't seem to care. "As the Princess, it is my duty to make sure my subjects are-"

"Yeah look, I don't give a shit," he said matter-of-factly, cutting her off for the second time in less than a minute. "AJ does whatever she wants with whoever she wants. Yo, if she wanna get it on with another female horse, that's cool an' all, you know? I mean, as long as she's happy, and as long as it ain't about me, I'm cool with it. Now, you wanted to talk to me in private, right?"

"Right. I'm sor-"

"So obviously, that shit ain't what you wanted to tell me. I doubt you'd have made me come all the way here, and inside your own castle just so that we could talk about who's fucking who and shit. And I don't think you'd have minded the presence of other ponies to simply scold my ass, either. So just tell me whatever it is you wanted to tell me, and we both go on about our business."

Celestia did her best to keep a decent poker face. "Yes... right. I needed to, um... I needed to see humans... um, for research. Human research. Yes, you see, I needed to study and research things about humans."

Carl deadpanned. "You gonna tell me that is what all this shit is about? You needed us to be alone to tell me that? What kinda shit you gonna do, then? You gon' ask me to drop my pants or somethin'?"

'Not that it would be any strange for 'em ponies,' he thought, 'all them bitches be walkin' around naked, flashin 'em crotch titties an' shit.'

Her horn glowing brightly as she tried in vain to hide her dark red cheeks, Celestia closed her eyes and sighed once more. "I, um... no. Well, I think I have gathered enough information for now. I will see you another time, Carl." she gave him a sheepish, forced smile, and slowly walked towards the door, breaking eye contact. "Anyway, I am glad that you have accepted to come to Equestria. I promise you that you will enjoy your life here."

"Jeah... I guess." Carl shrugged, before realizing what Celestia had just said. "Wait, what the fuck? So, you sayin' you the one who brought my ass here? And just to study me?" he said angrily, walking up to the mare.

"Carl, I-"

"Fuck you, man!" he said harshly, pointing an accusing finger at her. "I ain't never accepted no shit like that! You don't do that!"

Backing up into a corner, Celestia started sweating. "I-"

"You ain't got no fuckin' respect for others, man! What if a motherfucker just snatched you and threw yo' white ass right in the middle of fucking Idlewood? Bein' stranded in a weird ass world without a single other member of your species on the entire planet, and in the middle of thousands of dangerous motherfuckers blastin' on each other with fucking machine guns? You'd enjoy that, you crazy bitch?"

"I'm... I'm sorry," she simply said, turning her head away as she strained to maintain her composure. She teleported out of Carl's way, and in front of the door, before opening it. "Come on, we are done here."

Carl shook his head and took deep breaths. Much to his surprise, he didn't find it that hard to calm down, and even more surprisingly, he actually managed to stay calm. Somewhat.
Maybe the lack of weapons and gang warfare was helping... and maybe seeing Celestia looking genuinely distraught was helping, as well.
Besides the fact that he enjoyed seeing even royalty cowering before his might, he wasn't a mindless, cold-blooded killing machine, either. Unlike some of 'em motherfuckers... that mute asshole who gave him his (now pretty successful) garage, for example. Heh, what a stupid fuck, that one. Or that Tommy dude Ken Rosenberg mentioned once... that guido sounded like a straight fucking lunatic.

But what the hell was that all about, anyway? The ruler of another world took him away from his own world to study his species? Carl would almost feel flattered that he had been chosen out of several billions of other humans. If he weren't stranded in a different dimension full of weird ass cartoon horses, that is.

"Princess! Are you alright?" Twilight rushed to her mentor as soon as she appeared back in the throne room. After all, she was gone for nearly five minutes and thirty-six seconds...

"Yes, Twilight. I am alright. I apologize for my behavior, earlier... I had some problems that needed to be taken care of. You can go, now. You can go back home," Celestia said coldly, her left eye twitching violently. "Go."

Carl appeared from behind a corner and nodded to Applejack. "C'mon. Let's get up outta here, yo. We ain't got no business in this motherfucker no more, man." he angrily strided across, and out of the room, slamming the double door behind him.

Applejack blinked twice rapidly. "What just happened?"

Both horned mares shared a quick hug before Twilight trotted back to the door, opening it. "Let's go, Applejack. We need to catch a train before dark." she said, glancing back to the disheveled princess and shaking her head as the usually majestic mare disappeared in a flash of light. "We also need to catch up with your human friend. I'm afraid he might have done something to Princess Celestia..."

The orange pony glared at her purple friend as they passed Princess Luna's bedchambers door. "Twilight! Will ya tell me what in the hay is goin' on?"

"Well, I..." finally letting out her worry, Twilight's voice raised dangerously. "I don't know, Applejack! I have never seen Princess Celestia acting like that! It's like, she's a different pony... What did she tell him? And what did he tell her? Did he do anything to her? What's going on with those two?"

"Ah don't know, Twi. Why'd you-"

"WHAT DID SHE HAVE TO SAY TO HIM? WHAT WAS SO IMPORTANT THAT EVEN I COULD NOT LISTEN?" she screamed, literally shaking Applejack with her magic grip.

"Calm down, Twi! Yer scarin' me!" the country mare said, her voice shaking.

Twilight calmed down almost immediately and hugged her friend, apologizing profusely. "Oh, I'm so sorry, Applejack! I'm just... I'm just so anxious! I mean, what if something happens to Princess Celestia? Who is going to rule Equestria? I'm not ready to take on such responsibilities just yet!"

Applejack raised a freckle. "And why would ya rule Equestria?"

Twilight deadpanned, as if the answer were the most obvious thing in the world. "Well, it's my destiny to follow in the hoofsteps of Princess Celestia! Why else would she have taken me as her protégée?"

Applejack deadpanned again. "Yer tryin' to say yer gonna be a princess?"

"Well, I hope so."

She shook her head and facehoofed. "Ah think CJ's right. Ah'm the only normal pony in this town."

"What do you mean?"

"Twilight, Ah don't mean to disrespect you, Ah'm not tryin' to say ya can't ever be a princess or anythin', but... well, aside from that, Celestia has a sister, who is also a princess. Ya remember?"

Before she could answer, Twilight heard a loud voice coming from behind them. "Many ponies seem not to. What about thee? Hast thou forgotten about us, Twilight Sparkle?"

"Princess Luna!" Twilight beamed. "What are you doing here?"

"This is our castle. Thou art in front of our bedchambers... dost thou find it strange for us to be here?"

"Uh, no, that's not what I-"

"We do not always sleep during the day... anyway, we are sorry, but we do not have time to talk. Our sister is in need of our help," Luna said, waving a hoof dismissively.

Twilight rushed to the blue alicorn's side, and grabbed ahold of her forelegs. "Princess Luna! What's wrong with your sister? What's happening to her? Please, answer me!"

Luna sighed and gently pushed Twilight's hoof away. "We cannot answer thy question. Our sister would not approve of us revealing her darkest secrets to anypony."

The purple mare stared angrily at the taller pony. "I'm not anypony! I'm- wait, her darkest secrets? What do you mean?" she asked as Luna teleported away. "Damn it! What's wrong with everypony today?"

"Ah don't know, Twi, but Ah have the feelin' we ain't gonna know anytime soon..." Applejack shrugged. "Fuck this shit, man. All of 'em motherfuckers be trippin'."

"APPLEJACK!" Twilight shrieked as her eyes grew wide.

"What?" she answered with a smirk. "Ya don't seem to mind it too much when it's CJ's who's talkin' like that... ya should try it, it feels real good to just let it out sometimes."

"But, b-but you..." she trailed off and frowned, before something clicked in her head. "Hey, I think you just gave me an idea." the lavender mare said much more calmly. A faint smile even formed at the corner of her mouth as she spotted Carl, who was wearing a black balaclava. He was (trying to) sneakily make his way around a corner, carrying a small silver statue. "Carl!" she called after him.

The 'stealthy' human turned around, startled by Twilight's high pitched voice. He gave her the middle finger, dropping his 'prize' in the process. "You won't catch me, fools!" he shouted, before breaking into a sprint.

Twilight rolled her eyes. "CARL! Wait! We're gonna have a party tonight! Do you want to come?"

He stopped and turned back, taking off his mask and raising an uninterested eyebrow. "Does the princess shit in the woods?"

"What?"

"Aw, whatever, dude. As long as there's some booze, I'm down," he said, before averting his gaze on a large television nearby, his eyes shining with POWERFUL NIGGATRY.

"More than you could possibly handle." Twilight smirked as the young man failed to lift the massive, several thousand pounds pure gold television, before muttering to Applejack, "I hope Rainbow Dash isn't busy tonight...".

"Sister! What have you done?"

Startled by the sudden appearence of Luna, Princess Celestia jumped to her hooves and stammered. "L-Lulu? Nothing! It's alright, I assure you! I've got everything under control! I just needed to-"

"CELESTIA! WE, THE ROYAL PRINCESS LUNA OF EQUESTRIA, ORDER THEE TO INFORM US OF THY PROBLEMS. BY THE MOON, YOU WILL ANSWER US AT ONCE!"

The guards nearby scurried away, wincing in pain as they miserably tried to cover their ears. Clearly, the royal Canterlot voice wasn't meant to be heard by everypony...

"Luna, listen... I can't. I can't do that."

Luna shook her head and dropped the caps lock. "Tia... what is wrong with you? What is it that you claim you cannot do?"

"I can't tell him!"

"What cannot you tell? And to whom?"

The white mare sank in her throne. "The human..." she trailed off, looking away from her sister. "Luna. When was the last time you saw me with a stallion?"

Luna stared for a few seconds before erupting in laughter, although Celestia's death glare calmed her down quickly. "Sister, we... we do not remember. Surely, it has been a long time."

Looking longingly out of the window, her window, Celestia gazed at the midday sky. "Yes... yes, it has. I thought I could just... Ah, Luna! What have I become?"

The Princess of the Night conjured up her own throne and took a seat beside her sister. "Tia, why don't you explain us everything from the beginning? Tell your little sister what is wrong, and we promise we will do whatever it takes to make it right. We will help you. Whatever is happening, we are sure that it is nothing that cannot be sorted out."

"I wouldn't be so sure about it, Lulu. I... What kind of a princess am I? When did I start thinking than taking a sentient being away from his home world just to keep me company would be a good idea?"

Luna's face fell. "No... y-you did what?" she asked in disbelief, a look of worry on her face. "Please, sister, tell us you did not do that!"

"I did..."

Staring at Celestia, Luna's worried expression turned into a strong disapproving glare. "Why? Why, Tia?"

"I thought... I thought maybe, just maybe... maybe a human could be the answer."

"The answer to what, Celestia?"

"Well, you see... humans do not value respect as much as we do. Especially when it comes to other species, given that there are no other sentient species on their planet. And as I expected, he is not intimidated by me. He might be trying to behave because of his current predicament, but even knowing who I am, he doesn't care about it. He's not trying to be nice or polite to me. If anything, I think he would treat me worse than the average pony because of that, if he thought he could."

Luna stared in silence at her older sister's shameful face for a few minutes, before putting a hoof to her chin. "So... let us understand. You simply summoned a strange, tall and potentially dangerous alien lifeform from another dimension, with the sole intention of making him your special somepony?"

"I... I know. It already sounded bad in my head, but... the way you put it... I'm an horrible pony, Luna!"

"Calm down, sister. Was that really the only reason you summoned this human? To keep you company, as you put it?"

"Well, n-no..." she stammered, blushing. "Actually, their fingers are better than magic, their stamina is legendary, and their size coupled to their bipedal posture means that they are very-"

"Stop!" Luna cut her off. "We... we do not think we wish to know any more than you have already told us."

Celestia sank even further in her (thankfully extra cushy) throne. "What am I gonna do now, Luna? I cannot even send him back! ...I think. Maybe I can, but... I don't know. I don't know anymore, Lulu."

The Princess of the Night took a moment to think, and her face lit up as she clapped her front hooves together. "We know! ...well, we might have an idea, at least. Normally, we would never even consider suggesting such a thing, but... maybe you could make him want to keep you company. After all, you are a princess, Tia. We know you aren't fond of using your royal title to get your way, but... we know you do not like it when ponies treat you with too much zeal. While you could teach him some respect, we do not think that he would ever be overly formal with you. And you are a beautiful mare, you are powerful and you are part of the glorious alicorn master race. If you find a way to get to him, in time, he may learn to enjoy your company."

Celestia pondered her sister's words for a while, before sighing. "Maybe... but... but did you see him, Luna? He's an annoying, obnoxious, dangerous... nigga!"

Luna raised an eyebrow before asking, "What's a nigga?".

"I'm not really sure. That's the word he uses to refer to himself, and to his 'homeboys'... whatever that means. Do you think a creature such as him has domestics?"

The dark blue alicorn shrugged. "Anyway, we believe you can change him. You are Celestia, for crying out loud! You can do whatever you please, sister... if you set your mind to it, this should be a rather easy task. It could even be fun!" she said, happy to have successfully used the word she learned only a couple of weeks ago.

"You... you think so?"

"Of course. You should start by explaining him what you have just told us. Maybe not in such a blunt way, but... he has been treating our dear subject Applejack with respect, so far. Surely, he cannot be as barbaric as you made him out to be. He could probably understand."

"I... I don't know... maybe you're right. I could... I could write him a letter. And then, maybe..."

"Damn it, Tia! You're over thirty-seven centuries old, and you still can't muster the courage to talk to somepony in person?"

Celestia blushed. "Shut up, Lulu. I haven't seen you talking to Pip..."

It was Luna's turn to blush, though it was hardly noticeable with her dark blue coat. "Tia! He's a kid! We are nearly three millennia older than him!"

"So? You are a princess, too. You and I, we make the laws!"

"We do not... you do."

"You have a say in those laws, Luna! And no law of mine will prevent my sister from being happy... unless it involves, you know, eternal night."

Luna's blush deepened. "We do not even know if he likes us..."

Celestia giggled. "Lulu... are you serious? He built a small altar to your name in his closet! He painted his entire room dark blue, and he got your cutie mark stitched onto his pillow, which he cuddles with every night! Are you too scared of spoilers to visit his dreams? Though I would wager that even for a colt his age, you might see things that would make lesser mares feel uncomfortable... but it would ease your doubts for sure."

"We... maybe. Maybe we will consider it. But for now, we do not wish to talk about it any more. Either way, that does not change the issue at hoof, Tia. You must make the human like you. Ordinarily, we would be completely opposed to such actions, but you must, lest he will have been abducted in vain."

'Or, he could just live in Ponyville and enjoy his new life the way he sees fit...' Luna thought. 'But, we do not want our sister to be alone anymore... we are tired of her never leaving us any fucking cake! Clearly, our craving for cake must take precedence over the happiness of a strange ape. It is for the greater good of Equestria, after all.'

"Abducted? You make me sound like a monster, Luna..." Celestia stopped talking when she saw her sister's glare. "Anyway, how do I do?"

"How would we know? We are a virgin."

"What does that have to do with anything? You..." Celestia's face lit up in realization. "Oh, right. It was before... things have changed, Lulu. Dating and relationships work pretty differently today than they did centuries ago."

"We are aware... hm. We suppose that many things have stayed the same, right? Let us think..."

"Luna... maybe I shouldn't have asked you."

"Nonsense. We will help you, sister." Luna said, scratching her chin with a hoof. "Hm, maybe you could take him out on a romantic dinner? A date with Princess Celestia herself! That couldn't possibly leave anypony indifferent! The simple fact of asking him out will shatter his confidence and make him blush like a little colt!"

Celestia deadpanned. "Luna, does he look like the romantic type to you? Besides, I don't think I could afford to be seen in public, in such... strange conditions. Even though I am the princess, and I can do as I please, as you keep reminding me... it doesn't mean I should do as I please."

Luna shrugged and conjured a pair of black, round sunglasses. "Yeah, we grasp that, Tia. All we're doing is contemplating the if's."

The Princess of the Sun frowned and raised her voice. "I don't wanna hear about no motherfucking if's! All I wanna hear from your flank is, 'you ain't got no problem, Tia, I'm on the motherfucker. Go back in there and chill 'em ponies out, and wait for my plan, which should get him to like you'."

Rolling her eyes, the dark blue alicorn deepened her voice. "Thy problem is no more, dear sister. We are onto the fornicator of matriarchs. Go back to Ponyville and bring peace back upon thy subjects, and wait for our plan, which should get him to love thee."

"Shit, Lulu! That's all you had to say!"

They both chuckled and Celestia got up, adjusting her crown. "But seriously... I'm really tired. I think I am going to stay here for now... I will go to Ponyville tomorrow, but for now I need to rest." she said, conjuring up a slice of chocolate cake. "So, what is your plan?"

"Well... why don't you give him a tour of the castle? Tell him about the history of Equestria, and about your countless victories and achievements! If he knew how powerful you were... surely, not even such a crude creature could resist you." Luna said, smiling as she used Celestia's temporary lack of attention to snatch some cake from her sister.

The white mare's face dropped, and not because of the cake thing (surprisingly enough). "No offense, Lulu, but... I don't think this would work, either. Carl seems like the type who would expect me to adapt to his lifestyle and laugh at his jokes... he talks and I listen. Not the other way around. Besides, he seems to have himself a history of victories and feats that would put mine to shame. Especially for a simple mortal being who cannot use magic, and who is thirty-seven hundred and fifty years younger than me."

Luna stood up and sneered. "Fine, but then why asking us for advice, Tia? You talked to him, we did not... what does he like to do?"

"I... I don't know. According to my faithful student Twilight Sparkle, he likes 'gangbanging', 'getting shitfaced with his homies' and 'doing some drive-by's on Balla turf'."

"We have no idea what gangbanging means, and we do not believe drinking hefty amounts of alcohol would be a good idea. However... we suppose a drive-by is the equivalent of a fly-by, isn't it?"

"I don't know, Luna... what's a fly-by?"

"It's an ancient technique we used to teach our royal night guards, long before our banishment... have you really never heard about it?"

"No..." Celestia said, shame tangible in her voice. "How does it work?"

"It is simple. A few unicorns ride in a carriage flown by a squad of pegasi over a target. The unicorns can then freely attack the target with magic beams while remaining airborne and moving, making potential retaliation close to impossible."

"And how would you suggest Carl and I do that?"

Luna raised an eyebrow. "Well, simply have him mount you, and go fire solar beams at Chrysalis' hive or something," she said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

Celestia's face started to look more like a beet than a face. "Mount me?"

"Yes, mount you. Straddle you."

"Luna, are you trying to say that-"

"No, Celestia! We are not suggesting what you think we are!" Luna shouted, exasperated. "What we were trying to say is that you should have him get on your back. You could also give him weaponized unicorn magic. This way you could go and blast on cheeselegs' crib, while flying low enough so that he could pop one in a motherfucker, too. Goddamn, Tia! That shit simple."

"You're starting to sound like him... Luna, are you a nigga too?"

I'm a nigga! Are you a nigga too? Let's drive to the 'hood! *throws plastic car*

Twilight Sparkle smiled as she opened her door. "Ah, Rainbow! We were waiting for you."

"Hey, Twilight. What's up?"

"The party is about to start. I wanted to introduce you to somepony."

Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow. "Who?"

"You'll see. Come inside, Rainbow Dash."

"Twi, that 'joke' got old like, three years ago," the pegasus said, frowning as she followed her nerdy friend inside her tree-house-library-whatever.

Sitting in a circle around an empty bottle were Applejack, Rarity, Lyra Heartstrings, Pinkie Pie, a strange gray pony with a dull violet mane and strange clothing, and another much stranger, tall brown-ish creature with even stranger clothing. Twilight motioned to the bottle sheepishly. "That was Pinkie's idea, I promise..."

The pink pony rolled her eyes. "Well, duh! Of course it was my idea! I'm Equestria's partiest party pony, and I-" she was cut off by Carl's hand clamping her mouth shut. Whatever that thing was, Rainbow was already liking him. He smiled at her and flashed her a strange sign with his hands.

"Yo, man, what's good? We was waitin' on yo' ass, c'mon! We gon' do this shit or what?"

Author's Notes:

This chapter took way too long and I had to rewrite it like 69 times... I'm still not too happy with how it turned out, nor with where the story is going, but I guess that's the price I'm paying for having started a story on a whim with a few thousand words and no idea where I would be going with it...

I'm becoming hard-pressed to keep CJ in character without him sounding more like a clichéd black Anonymous ersatz with a few San Andreas references thrown in for good measure, and Celestia's 'problems' might end up slowly backing me up in a corner.

So yes, if everything is going to shit, blame me. I'm still gonna try to scavenge what I can, and although I'll probably end it sooner than I would have wanted to, I still have a pretty original idea for the ending (at least, original by HiE standards). Also, sorry to those who haven't seen Pulp Fiction... well, actually, no. I'm not sorry, go watch the fucking thing right now you ignorant fools.