Princess Celestia was comfortably lying on her bed as she levitated a cup of tea to her mouth. She sighed happily as she took a long sip of the warm liquid, turning yet another page of the romance novel she was reading. She couldn't help but feel a dull, aching sensation setting in her stomach. After all, when was the last time she had been with another pony? At least a century ago... besides the obvious fact that her duties as a ruler didn't leave her with much free time, she was also hard-pressed to find a potential mate who wasn't intimidated, if not scared shitless by her mere presence.

The telltale sound of a letter appearing in a puff of green smoke startled the white alicorn as she jerked her head towards the scroll, barely catching it with her magic before it landed on her pillow.
Nothing touches her gorgeous King Sombra-themed pillow. Nothing.

Unfolding the letter, she raised an eyebrow as she read the first line.

Yo princess, wat up? This yo' boy Carl.

'My boy?' she thought, raising her second eyebrow even higher than the first one, regardless of the fact ponies didn't even have eyebrows to begin with.

Now look, girl. I don't know what you be up to, and I don't give a shit, but I'mma tell you right now, I ain't gonna let you fuck with me. All your cracker ass is gon' do is either send me back to where I'm from, or nothin' at all. You feel me?

The Princess of the Sun let out a small chuckle, mildly amused by Carl's rebel attitude. It somewhat reminded her of her sister's, about a thousand and two hundred years ago. She kept on reading, taking another sip of her tea.

I ain't tryna threaten you or nothin', but as a fellow leader and businesshorse, I'm gonna assume that you know what it's like to have duties and shit. So I hope you'll understand that I must go back to where I'm from, and make sure the homies can keep 'em yay-slangin' punks from fucking up my streets.

Celestia used her magic to create a third eyebrow, and raised it. Homies? Yay-slanging punks? His streets?
...Businesshorse?

While my ass is stuck here, I suggest you don't try no funny shit. I saw the way you looked at me, and I know you think I'm a threat to yo' ass, but I'mma tell you, I ain't never fucked with a nigga who didn't have it comin' to 'em. You know what I'm sayin', player?

PS: This is Spike. I'm sorry Princess, but I think Carl is angry about something. He won't allow me to sign, either. He keeps saying that he's not your subject, and that he will never be faithful to anything or anyone except 'the 'hood' and 'his homies'. I don't even know what that means.

She dropped the scroll as her gaze shifted around uneasily. What was that human talking about? His language, his reactions... and he had only seen her for a couple of minutes at best! Surely, he couldn't be onto her already... could he?
Even if he had the wrong idea, Celestia wouldn't allow him to think that... she... no.
Not just yet.

"Thanks, Spike. You's a playa's right hand, dude." Carl said, downing his beer in one go.

"Um, no problem, mister Carl. But I think you should go now, Twilight seems to be pretty angry with you..."

"Yeah... I guess I'mma go see this Rattleshack pony she was tellin' me about." the young man got up to his feet and turned around, ready to leave.

"It's Applejack." Spike corrected.

Looking back at the little dragon, Carl sighed. "Aw, man! I don't think I'll ever get one of y'all's names right. These some strange names... not at all like where I'm from."

Spike brought a claw to his chin and gave the human a questioning look. "What are human names like?"

"Well, there's my brother, his name's Sean, though everyone calls him Sweet. Then there's my sis', her name's Kendall. My mom's name was Beverly, and my other brother's was Brian, but..." he trailed off, staring blankly at a wall nearby. With all the shit he had to go through these past few months, he hadn't even taken the time to think about the death of two of his closest family members. "And there was my two best homeboys, Melvin and Lance. I had to kill 'em, man! They betrayed me an' my brother, but shit... we was like family... fuck!"

"You... you killed sentient beings?"

Giving Spike a blank stare, Carl took a moment to consider that maybe, just maybe, creatures in this land weren't used to the idea of killing. At least not to solve your problems on a regular basis.

"Well, what was I gonna do, man? They betrayed me, they got my brother sent to jail and everything! They almost ruined the Grove, dude! The only way to deal with motherfuckers like 'em is to put a bullet through their brains, you know? I wish there was another way, I really do... but as life taught me, there ain't."

"That's... that's awful!" gagging at the thought, Spike looked away for a few seconds, before staring at Carl again. "What's a bullet?"

"Aw, shit! I knew it, I was afraid y'all wouldn't have any guns... damn it! Ah fuck it, it don't matter none. A'ight dog, I'm outta here. You watch yo' ass, you hear? I don't want that crazy purple bitch to give you shit 'cause you been helpin' a nigga, man."

Spike waved a 'hand' at Carl, deciding to simply ignore his strange language. But, did he just... help a nigga?
Whatever that meant, the young dragon felt proud.

Following the directions Twilight Sparkle had given him, the young man eventually found himself walking on a dirt path leading up a small hill. He was panting and sweating as he reached the top. The burning heat of San Andreas was something he had gotten used to in his early childhood, but the heat here was something else... looking up at the sky, it became clear why. The Sun here was either much larger, or much closer to the planet.

His gaze averting back to the 'road', Carl's jaw dropped at the sight of the giant apple orchard standing a few dozen yards ahead of him. He had seen similar things before, but never on such a scale... damn, this was truly breathtaking.

The young man walked towards a red building, which seemed to serve as a house for whoever owned this piece of land.

Even if he hadn't been mesmerized by the thousands of apple trees surrounding him, Carl would have remained unaware of the white alicorn zooming onto him, smiling as she watched his sweaty skin glisten in the intense sunlight. Sitting on her balcony in the comfort of her magical, outdoor air conditioning unit, Celestia stored her telescope away and looked at the Sun.

Her Sun.
From the highest tower in the majestic Canterlot castle, it looked even bigger... damn, she had really outdone herself this time.

Never could such a puny, cocky creature challenge her might. Sure, so far the human had proven to be surprisingly resourceful, but beyond his apparent immunity to magic, he was nothing more than a slightly more dangerous minotaur. Apart from being wonderful lovers due to their stamina, minotaurs were a pretty dull species. If Celestia wanted to wipe out every single minotaur from the face of the planet - her planet - it would take her roughly an afternoon.

So why was she even considering the fact that a simple human, lost in a land that he knew nothing about, could be enough of a threat to justify being monitored? It's not like she was checking him out or anything... well, of course she was, but that was beside the point. Why was she even bothering using her telescope?
He would soon come to her.

They all do.
Always.

She had barely started, anyway. It wasn't worth checking anything just yet... heh, maybe she could reply to his letter?
With a new, wonderful idea in her mind, the Solar diarch monarch Goddess walked back into her bedchamber with a small grin on her face.

"Hey, yo, ease up, man, damn! Can't we talk about this?"

"Eenope!"

Running as fast as he could, Carl shot a brief glance behind him, only to see the large red stallion still hot on his heels. As soon as he had entered the orchard itself, Big Mac popped out of nowhere and started chasing after him. After throwing a punch directly aimed at the stallion's muzzle, Carl had figured that running while rubbing his sore hand was his best option.

"C'mon, man! Shit! I swear, I wasn't tryna trespass on yo' property or nothin'! That Twilight Sparkle girl sent me, man! She said that some Applejack pony could help me or something!"

Realizing he couldn't hear the thundering sound of clopping hooves anymore, Carl looked behind him and saw his pursuer stopping in a large cloud of dust. Slowing down to a brisk walk, the young man eventually stopped as well, shooting a careful glance towards the red pony who was standing about seventy feet behind him, as emotionless as ever. Walking up to him, Carl raised his hands, trying not to look threatening.

Before he could say anything, Big Mac spoke. "Ya know Twilight?"

"Uh, yeah. See, I'm in some deep shit, and she told me about the Elements of Irony or whatever, and that I should go see Applejack, though I ain't sure why."
Yeah, better not outright tell ponies that he didn't trust Twilight and hoped her friends were less fucked up.

Big Mac's face contorted into something highly disturbing, apparently his best attempt at conveying a positive emotion. "Ya lookin' for mah sis'? Well, why didn't ya say so? C'mon, partner. I'll show ya the way."

'Man, I wish I had a strap,' Carl thought as he frowned, following the stallion all the way to a large red farmhouse, and into a barn.
As he was looking at the ground, making sure to stay out of bucking range, he heard his stomach grumble. Now that he thought about it, he hadn't had anything to eat since last night... and all these apples everywhere were making him salivate.

"Applejack! Somepony's lookin' for ya."

The country mare put down a large basket of apples and glanced at her older brother, and then at the large bipedal creature standing next to him.

"What in tarnation is that?"

"Ah don't know, but he said Twilight sent him to see ya."

"That... creature knows Twilight?"

"Eeyup," Mac shrugged as he walked out of the barn.

"Well..." Applejack started, trailing off as she trotted up to Carl, eyeing him carefully. "Ain't y'all a mighty strange sight..." she extended an uncertain hoof, which the human awkwardly shook with a hand.

"That's some fucking welcome, man! So what you can do for me? Twilight said you'd help."

"Hold on, partner. Ah don't know what y'all talkin' about. Ah ain't never seen nothin' like ya. What are ya? And what's yer name?"

"I'm a human. My name's Carl Johnson, but I guess you can call me CJ."

"Nice to meet y'all, CJ. Ah'm Applejack, but you can call me AJ."

"For real? Damn, it's good to meet someone who ain't too messed up."

Having no eyebrows, Applejack raised a freckle. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, so far I met that pony girl called Lyra or some', she some freaky girl, I'm tellin' you. And then I went to Twilight's, and she was even worse, tryna burn my ass with purple magic shit and enslavin' that lil' dragon fella an' everythin'."

"Ah don't really know what yer talkin' about. That don't sound like Twilight none. But anyway, yer lucky mah big brother didn't chase yer flank as soon as he saw ya..."

CJ deadpanned. "Motherfucker did. He stopped when I mentioned I was here to see you."

Applejack cocked her head.
'Motherfucker'? That didn't make any sense. She was pretty sure that her brother was still a virgin, and she was absolutely sure that he never had sex with their mother. After all, their parents passed way when Big Macintosh was still a young colt.

Deciding to put that thought aside for the time being, Applejack shook her head and gave Carl an awkward look. "Oh... well, Ah'm sorry 'bout that. Ya see, a few days ago, the princess came to Ponyville and told everypony to be careful, she said there might be some strange creature lurking around. That's y'all, ain't it?"

"I don't know, man! I don't know what's going on, I swear! I just like, appeared in the forest this mornin'! I got no memory of nothin'. I ain't even from this world. But if she was talkin' about me, then she knew in advance, and then that makes her the motherfucker who brought me here! But why'd she do that?"

"Ya think Princess Celestia is the reason for y'all bein' here?"

"I don't know... I don't know her, but the way she was lookin' at me..." Carl trailed off as his stomach rumbled once again, "I mean, when I was at Twilight's, she came and she was actin' all weird and shit, like she'd been expectin' me or some'. I'm pretty sure she's up to somethin', and it probably ain't no good for me."

Applejack stared at Carl's troubled expression for a while, before deciding a chance of subject might be in order. "Yer hungry?"

"Jeah... didn't eat nothin' since last night."

"Ah don't know what humans eat, but why don't you try one of 'em apples?" the country mare said, smiling as she threw Carl a large, ripe, bright red apple. "Ah'm sure they ain't that good where yer from."

He took a bite and closed his eyes. "Goddamn! This some good shit!"

"Was... was that a compliment?" Applejack asked, raising another freckle.

The human chuckled. "Yeah. Yeah, it was. This shit tastes natural. Where I'm from, everything's polluted and full of chemicals, y'know?"

"So listen now, why didn't ya ask the princess to help ya, if she was there when you visited Twilight?"

"I did!" Carl said, showering the orange pony in spittle, apple juice and apple seeds. "Bitch said she wouldn't help me, even if she could."

"What? Are you sure Princess Celestia really said that?" Applejack asked in disbelief, ignoring Carl's language and eating manners as she picked a few apple seeds off her mane. His eating manners were still better than Rainbow Dash's, anyway. "And what did Twilight say?"

"She didn't hear... I think. Celestia whispered that shit into my ear. Then after she was gone, I told Twilight she was up to somethin', but the bitch started trippin' and all. I'm tellin' you, she went like, 'What the fuck, nigger? She ain't no threat!', and then she started gettin' all pissed, and tryna burn my ass with her purple magic thing."

"Wait, wait! Yer trying to tell me that Princess Celestia is hiding somethin' from Twilight?"

"What? Nah, I didn't say that. I mean... shit, I don't know. All I know is, she was makin' up some poor ass excuses, and she disappeared when Twilight asked her what the fuck she was talkin' about," Carl answered, crossing his arms as he threw his apple core away.

"You talked about- hey!" Applejack scowled at him. "Don't ya waste 'em seeds like that, ya darn vermin!" she added, before sighing at his lack of reaction. "So, she whispered somethin' in yer ear, and you said she was actin' strange, right?"

"You a sharp motherfucker."

Ignoring his comment, Applejack frowned. "And she ignored Twilight's questions?"

"Yeah."

"Princess Celestia would never do that... maybe she's sick?"

"Look, I don't know, man... maybe I'm just bein' paranoid. You weren't even there anyway!"

"Ah'm the Element of Honesty, CJ. Ah don't need to be anywhere to tell when somepony's not bein' honest. If yer tellin' the truth, things could be bad... but why would the princess... ah, darn it. Ah just don't get it. Everythin' from the past few days just don't make no sense at all." she sighed, and her own stomach reminded her she had been working overtime, once again. "Speakin' of not makin' sense, why don't you follow me to Sugarcube Corner? We can get ya a real meal."

"I'm down with that," CJ replies as he leaned down and picked an apple seed off her nose. "Hey, you a cool lil' pony, y'know? For real."

Applejack didn't answer, instead lowering her hat to hide her blushing cheeks.

"So, Ah gotta warn ya. The mare who works here, she might be a lil' too much for ya to handle."

Carl raised an eyebrow, taking great pride in the fact that he was the only one with eyebrows around here. "What you mean?"

"Well, you'll see..." Applejack entered the giant gingerbread house, only to get a (predictable) faceful of pink.

"Heya Applejack!"

"Howdy Pinkie, how ya doin'?"

"Oh, I'm fine! But you should- oh, who is that? Oh, I know! I know! It's, uh... wait, don't say, don't say! I know... uh..."

Carl cocked his head before shrugging, extending a hand. "Name's Carl."

"Oh... I did not know. But it doesn't matter, mister Nemzkahr. Now we can be the bestest of friends! I'm friends with everypony in Ponyville, but even if you're not a pony, we're gonna be friends because I-"

"C'mon Pinkie, let him breathe. Yer gonna scare the poor fella," Applejack said as she jammed a hoof in Pinkie's mouth.

"Yeah, calm down, man, damn... I ain't never been friends with no pink pony, but there's a first time for everythin' I guess."

"Ah reckon y'all are courageous."

Carl stifled a laugh. "Is she always like that?"

"Yup. More or less." AJ said, smiling as she withdrew her hoof from Pinkie's maw. "Often more."

"-AND WE CAN THROW YOU A WELCOME TO PONYVILLE PARTY AND THEN WE-"

Once again silenced by an orange hoof stuck in her mouth, Pinkie seemed to be considering the fact that maybe, she should go easy on that tall creature thing. It wouldn't be fun, but she could always do something double fun later to make up for it.

"So, Pinkie, is that it?" Carl asked, trying not to panic at the thought that she could have been the first pony he'd met.

"Apfejfak, tfake your foof fout fof mfah mfoutffff!" Pinkie 'said', showering half of the room in saliva.

Complying, the country mare gave the human an apologetic smile. "Yer gonna love her bakin'."

"So, mister Nemz, what can I get you? What can I get you?"

Applejack facehoofed. "It's Carl, Pinkie."

"Okay, sorry mister Kahlpinky. What can I get you? How about some cupcakes?" the pink pony asked with an impossibly large grin.

Giving up on trying to understand that mare, Carl thought for a few seconds before shaking his head. "Nah, I don't want no cupcakes."

"Muffins?"

"Muffins again? Hell no."

"Well, what do you want, then?"

"Chicken, man. No discussion."

Everypony's eyes widened.