"Y-you... you eat meat?" Pinkie asked, backing up against a wall in an overly dramatic fashion.

Carl gave her a strange look. "Well, yeah. Humans are omnivores, we eat all kinds of shit. Why, you mean you ponies are like horses from my world? Like, you be eatin' only hay and grass and flowers or some other shit like that?"

"No!" the pink pony squealed. "B-but... but we don't eat meat! That's... that's just mean! You're a big, big meanie!"

"Hey yo, don't trip, man! It ain't my fault, y'know? Humans eat meat, that's all. I ain't eatin' nothing that I can hold a conversation with, so chill the fuck out, a'ight?"

"But, but, but... but that's... that's... b-but... I don't know what it is, but it is!"

"Pinkie, calm down, jeez. Ah reckon you didn't realize, but y'all have an alligator as a pet," Applejack said, adjusting her hat.

"But Gummy would never eat meat! He doesn't even have any teeth."

"He will when he grows up! And look at me, Pinkie. Ah have Winona. An' Rarity has Opalescence."

"So?" the pink pony inquired, a disturbing frown on her face. "They don't eat-"

"They do in the wild! They're our pets, we can make 'em eat what we want 'em to eat, but in the wild, cats and dogs are primarily carnivores."

For the first time in the history of Equestria, Pinkie Pie was immobile, silent and with a neutral expression upon her face.

"Yo, Apple's right, man. If y'all have pets, they'd be eatin' meat in the wild. At least if they anythin' like those we have on Earth. That don't matter none anyway, just gimme some' to eat." Carl said, patting his belly. Damn, he was hungry.

Still motionless, the party mare shot a careful glance at the tall, bloodthirsty ape thing. "Chocolate cake?"

"Shit yeah."

"That means yes," Applejack precised as she rolled her eyes.

Pinkie silently walked out of the room, and into the kitchen.

Applejack gave Carl a worried look. "Ah think Ah broke her."

The human shrugged, "Nah, she just trippin', is all."

"So, tell me CJ, what do ya reckon we should do if the princess is really up to somethin'?"

"You tell me, man! I don't know what she's like. She dangerous?"

Applejack considered his 'question'. When you're talking about a near immortal ruler who has the power to move a giant ball of plasma, dangerous clearly is an understatement. "Well, usually she's nice an' all, but... yeah. She could be pretty dangerous alright."

"Damn! And you ain't even packin'..."

"What does that-" Applejack was cut off by a scroll hitting her in the back of the head. Quickly turning around, she glanced at a table nearby. "What in tarnation? Whoever did that, I'mma whip yer flank somethin' fierce!"

Carl chuckled and put a hand on the country mare's withers. "Nah, you ain't doin' it right. Look, you wanna threaten some punk? I'mma show you how you do it." he said, taking a step forward and cracking his knuckles as his face contorted into his 'nigga moment' face, his pupils shrinking as he stared angrily at nothing and nopony in particular. "HEY YO! WHO THREW THAT? WHICH ONE O' Y'ALL DEAD MOTHERFUCKERS JUST THREW THAT SHIT?" he screamed, his glare focusing on a nearby stallion, "WAS IT YOU, STRING BEAN? YA SKINNY ASS LOOKIN' MOTHERFUCKER?"

The stallion fell off his 'chair' and tried to crawl away, only to find himself backed up against a wall.

"N-no! It wasn't me! I swear I just-"

"NOW YOU FUCKED UP!"

"CJ! What are ya doin'?"

The young man glanced back at Applejack. "NOW HE FUCKED UP!" he shouted, before turning back to face the stallion again. "NOW YOU FUCKED UP! YOU HAVE FUCKED UP NOW! NOW YOU FUCKED UP! NOW YOU FUCKED UP! NOW YOU-"

"Carl, would ya please be quiet?"

Frowning at the country mare, Carl cleared his throat and pointed a finger towards the frightened stallion. "COME ON, PUNK! YOU AN' ME, LET'S DO THE FUCKING THING! I'LL CRACK YO' MOTHERFUCKIN'-"

Carl froze up and turned around as he heard a muffled squeal coming from behind him. A yellow pony with small wings and long pink hair was standing in the door frame, her large teal eyes filled with terror.

Following Carl's gaze, Applejack's own eyes widened upon seeing Fluttershy. "Oh, darn it! Fluttershy, wait! He ain't gonna hurt ya!"

"I... I... HEEEEEELP!" the yellow pegasus screamed at the top of her lungs, which was only barely louder than a whisper. She ran away as quickly as she could, her wings flapping around frantically.

Carl looked at Applejack in apprehension. "Did I do some' I shouldn't have?"

Now he fucked up. He has fucked up now.

"Ya sure did. C'mon, we gotta go after her!"

"Why? You wanna fuck her up?"

"What? No! She's mah friend, and we need to tell her that yer no threat before she barricades herself in her cottage for a week straight!"

"Damn, man! Why they all trippin'? You the only normal pony around here or what?"

"Ah don't know! C'mon, follow me!"

After picking up the scroll, Carl ran out of Sugarcube Corner, struggling to keep up with Applejack. Was he out of shape, or was having four legs really such an advantage? Pinkie even called him 'big, big'.

I wouldn't go so far as to call the brother fat. I mean, he got a weight problem, what's a nigger gon' do?

"Fluttershy! Open up! Open the door, Ah swear, he ain't dangerous! We been talkin' an' all, he ain't from 'round these parts, is all."

Applejack rolled her eyes as she heard a muffled 'no'.

"So? She comin' out or what?"

"Ah don't think she is... y'all scared her somethin' fierce."

Carl stroked his goatee and sighed. "So what's the plan? What do we do now?"

"Ah don't know, Ah s'pose we could always wait until her animals need feedin'. No amount of fear will stop her from takin' care of 'em critters."

"What? You sayin' she the crazy bitch who keeps a bear in her backyard?"

Applejack winced as she looked away from the human. "Ah wouldn't call mah friend that, and Ah'd appreciate it if y'all could show some respect. But yes, she has a lot of animals, including a bear."

"Aw, shit, my bad. Look, I didn't mean to dis her or anythin', a'ight? That's just the way I talk, y'know?"

"Ah reckon so."

The young man looked up at the Sun for a few seconds. "Hm... so, you sayin' nothing will stop her from tendin' to her animals, right?"

"Yup. Why?"

"What's her name?"

"Fluttershy. Why? What are ya gonna-"

"FLUTTERSHY! C'MON OUT, GIRL! QUICK! IT'S YO' BEAR, MAN! I THINK THE MOTHERFUCKER'S DEAD!"

"CJ! WHAT IN TARNATION-"

"Shut the fuck up! You gonna ruin everything, for fuck's sake!"

"Don't you realize what you just-" Applejack was cut off by a very angry Fluttershy slamming her door open. The yellow pegasus flapped her wings and crossed her forehooves as she hovered a few feet in the air, scowling at Carl.

"I don't know if that's a joke where you come from, but that was not a nice thing to say. It would be a terrible, terrible thing if Harry died! I don't care who you are or what you are, but I will not allow you to be mean to my animals, or to my friends. Do you understand me, mister?"

The young man raised an eyebrow before chuckling, "Yeah, yeah, for sure. Whatever you say, girl."

Fluttershy dropped to the ground with a squeal as she realized that the human was immune to her signature stare. Before she could run back inside, he grabbed her by the tail and lifted her up to his eye level. "Eeeep! Let me go! I-if that's okay with you, I mean... Applejack, help! Please!"

Carl facepalmed with his free hand. "Wait! Hold up, man! What happened to friendship, nigga?"

"CJ, will ya tell me what in the hay is that nigga thing y'all keep talkin' about?"

Ignoring the country mare, he dropped Fluttershy to the ground, and kneeled down in front of her. "Look, I ain't gonna pop a cap in yo' ass or nothin', a'ight? I didn't mean to scare ya, you just walked in at a bad time, that's all. Applejack and I been talkin' for a while, she a cool girl. Said she was the Element of Honesty or somethin', right? If she says we cool, then we cool."

Applejack wrapped a hoof around Fluttershy's neck. "He's right, Fluttershy. He's a mighty strange fella, but Ah reckon he's alright in mah book."

Looking up at the human, Fluttershy quivered for a few seconds. "Um, I... I... I'm sorry. But please, don't be mean to my animals, mister!"

"I told you my bad, man. I was just tryna get you to come out so we could talk, y'know? We civilized people and shit. Ain't no point in hidin', if I had wanted to hurt ya, yo' ass would be dead already."

"T-that's, um... that's reassuring."

"Yeah, sure is," Carl chuckled. "Wait, what did I pick up that scroll for?" he asked rhetorically.

"The scroll somepony threw at me?" Applejack asked, raising her third freckle for today, and making a mental note to ask Twilight Sparkle for a freckle duplicating potion.

"Jeah," Carl replied flatly, unfurling the scroll and cocking his head in confusion. "What's up with that shit now?"

"What is it, CJ?" the orange pony asked.

"It looks like... well, it has your name on it, so why don't you read it yourself?"

Grabbing the scroll from Carl's hands, her last three freckles raised themselves instantly as she read the first line out loud.

Applejack. O Applejack. You are the Apple of my eyes.

"What in tarnation?"

"'The fuck?"

"Oh my..."

She kept reading.

You are my muse. You are my jewel. A magnifique jewel, with three shining rubies adorning your already glorious flanks. I cannot hold it any longer, my dear Applejack. I want you. I need you. All for myself.

Her whole face was red, and sweat was rolling down the sides of her head. Ignoring the disturbed faces of Carl and Fluttershy, she finished reading.

Please, meet me tonight at eleven o'clock sharp, in the alley behind Sugarcube Corner. Come alone.

"Shit, girl! Sounds like you're gon' get some horse cock tonight!" Carl said before laughing out loud.

"Carl!" Applejack shouted angrily, her blush deepening even further. "Don't... don't ya dare talk like that!"

"C'mon, don't start trippin', man. Obviously, you have a secret admirer... I mean, you ain't happy? Shit, I'd be happy. You got someone who totally wants you, man! Ain't that shit exciting?" Carl 'asked', waving an arm around to emphasize his point. Even back then, when Catalina had declared her 'love' for him (while holding him at gunpoint), he was excited. Admittedly, it was more 'I'm gonna shit my fucking pants' excited than 'hell yeah, motherfucker' excited, but still.

"Nope," she replied in a neutral tone. The kind of blasé tone that can only come naturally to someone who hasn't given a fuck in a long time, both literally and figuratively. "It's creepy, is what it is," she added matter-of-factly.

"Aw, c'mon! When's the last time you got laid, man?"

"Laid? Uh... Ah slept last night. Why?"

"What? Nah, I'm askin' you when was the last time you had some fun, y'know? Rolled in the hay and everything?"

"Why would Ah go an' do that? We don't play with food 'round these parts."

Carl gave her a deadpan glare. "Goddamn."

"What? Ah don't know what yer talkin' about, CJ!"

"Look, if you scared, I can come with you."

True to her Element, Applejack found herself unable to hide the fact she was, in fact, considering going to the 'meeting'. She looked at Carl sheepishly, and sighed, "Ah'm not too confident, Ah'll admit that much, but look, CJ, Ah appreciate it an 'all, but it says Ah have to come alone."

"Oh yeah? Well, that's too fuckin' bad for 'em then, 'cause my ass is comin' with you whether they want it or not."

"But, that's not-" she was interrupted by Fluttershy tapping her on the shoulder. "What is it, Fluttershy?"

"Um, there's a, um... a scroll."

"No shit?" Carl deadpanned.

"No, I mean, um, it just appeared. You know, a letter from the princess, I think."

Grabbing the letter from Fluttershy's hooves, Carl opened it and unfolded it before either mare could react, "Damn! Bitch is fast!"

"What?" both ponies asked in unison.

"I had Spike send Celestia a letter earlier today. She already replied. You want me to read it out loud?"

"Sure, if ya want. It's yer business, partner."

"Um, i-if that's okay with you."

Dear Carl. I do not know why you would believe I am 'up to something', but rest assured that I certainely am not.

While I do have business to take care of, and I admit that it does not necessarily leave me with much free time to solve every single problem my subjects may be burdened with, why you are here is beyond even my knowledge, therefore I am unable to help you.
I promise you that I will look into it, but as of now, you are effectively stranded in Equestria, which makes you one of my subjects. Therefore it would be wise to consider changing your behavior accordingly.

I have arranged a meeting for us. Twilight Sparkle will come along and ensure that you find your way around Canterlot. She will also keep you safe, and grant you easy access to the castle. I am expecting the two of you tomorrow at three o'clock in the afternoon.
I must admit that I am most interested in learning about certain aspects of human culture.

Sincerely,
Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria.

PS: You think you're hot shit? Why don't you tell that hillbilly bitch that she's old enough to get some pussy on her own? So instead of watching Rarity tie her up and ravage her cunt with a double dragon dildo, you can just take the train to Canterlot tonight and come at me? Fight me IRL, you cheeky little bugger! I'm the sickest pone you'll ever meet, I'll wreck you. I'll go get me sister's Alicorn Amulet and see if that gets you the fuck outta Ponyville, you daft cunt! I swear on me mom, I'll hoof you in the gabber mate!

Both Fluttershy and Applejack were looking at Carl with their eyes widened and their mouths hanging. "W-what... what did ya just say? Carl, yer a darn, disgusting pervert! The princess would never write... this!" the orange mare nearly screamed.

Carl shrugged, unimpressed and unafraid. He showed Applejack the letter.

"Ah knew it! There's no postscript on this here letter, Carl. Why are ya lyin'? Why are ya sayin' these things? And ya think Rarity's the one who's admirin' me? Yer sick in the head!"

"Who the fuck is Rarity? And what the fuck are you talkin' about, man? Look at this shit!" he said, putting a finger on the red post scriptum, contrasting sharply with the black ink used for the rest of the letter. "Just fucking read it, man! What's the matter with you, you can't read?"

She glared angrily at him. "Ah can read... but that's blank paper, CJ! Whatever it is yer playin' at, Ah don't like it one bit."

"Blank paper? What the fuck, man... shit, you can't see 'em big ass red letters right here?" he asked in desperation.

"Um..." Fluttershy raised a hoof.

"Red letters? Yer an awful liar... there ain't no such thing as red ink!" Applejack said angrily, still frowning hard at Carl, who was starting to feel uneasy.

Clearing her throat, the shy mare glared at her orange friend.

"What is it, Fluttershy?"

"Well, I, um... I remember one day, I was having a picnic with Twilight, and we were talking about books. And there was that book she showed me, a special spell book meant to be handled by unicorns only. Something about how dangerous it could if it were to fall in the hands of non-ponies or something... and it appeared blank to the both of us, but then, she used a spell on it, and text suddenly appeared. She explained to me that it was written with a special kind of magical ink that becomes invisible once it has dried up. She showed me a bottle of that ink, and, um... it was red... if I remember it correctly."

Carl snapped his fingers. "Hey, that's it! You right, man! That's what Twilight and Celestia were talkin' about! They were sayin' I was immune to their magic power thing or somethin'! So that must mean I can see invisible shit y'all can't see 'cause magic affects you! Damn, this is cool."

The young man looked around and smiled at Fluttershy, who didn't seem too scared of him anymore. Now that he was starting to get used to this place, it was clear that it would be pretty easy to take over this land, as well. But then, most ponies seem nice and peaceful, there are no gangs, no guns, no rides... Carl wasn't sure whether he really wanted to disturb the nearly tangible harmony, or even become the leader of those streets dirt paths.

"Glad I could be of help, mister." Fluttershy said shyly, squeeing as CJ started to pet her.

Applejack frowned even harder, but her frown was no longer directed at Carl. Even though her death glare was no match for the gigantic ball of plasma, she kept staring at the (much larger than usual) Sun. "Ah don't know what yer up to, Princess..." she trailed off, catching a glimpse of Fluttershy happily leaning into her new human friend, who was smiling and running a hand through her mane, "but ya better reconsider, 'cause Ah don't think ya know what yer up against..."

She stared back at the Sun, a smirk slowly forming at the corner of her mouth. The camera zoomed on it, before fading to black as an ominous instrumental jingle played in the background.

A little circle appeared in the black void, Applejack's muzzle sticking through it. "Hey, wait! That means... Rarity... she wants me an' her to...? Oh, horseapples!" she sighed as she withdrew her muzzle, allowing the chapter to end for real this time.

Author's Notes:

So many subplots, so little time... They'll all be addressed, though (not... maybe? heh, who the fuck knows).
This story is gonna get about 69% more random.