"Shit! I still can't believe this is for real... fuck! I must be trippin', man!"

Despite everything he had seen so far, Carl was definitely unwilling to simply accept the fact that he had really ended up in another dimension. It couldn't be real... so many things were wrong with this. But if it were real... why him? Why now?
Why a dimension full of cartoon horses?

Why?

So many questions he knew he would never get an answer to...

And the scariest thing? That little mint green unicorn.
Carl had met his fair share of crazy ass motherfuckers in his time. In fact, pretty much half of the people he ever met in his life fell under that category, but that pony... goddamn, that little aquamarine pony. It was like The Truth fucked and impregnated his astral goat Herbie while under near lethal doses of LSD, who then gave birth to Lyra, only to be raised by Catalina.
Or something.

And why did they all have a tramp stamp? Carl could understand why one would want a tattoo, the large AK-47 covering his upper back attested to that, but why the fuck would anyone, or anything, want three diamonds on their butt? Or a harp, for that matter?
Or was it a lyre? What the hell was that thing anyway? He had never heard that instrument on Radio Los Santos.

The colors seemed to complement their coats pretty nicely, though. Maybe a sense of fashion was to be expected from those weird, girly creatures.

Looking around him, Carl sighed for the umpteenth time since he woke up. A few of the most courageous ponies were back outside, while the vast majority of the townsfolk were still hiding. Some of them, however, were shyly peeking through their ajar doors, while others were pressing their muzzles against their closed windows. As much as he liked being the center of attention, he still felt uneasy. What if that Twilight Sparkle pony couldn't help him? Or worse, what if she didn't want to?

He wasn't a cold-blooded killer. He never had any problem killing those who stood in his way, but he never really took pleasure in it, either. And he never enjoyed having to murder innocent people.
Unless they were wearing purple.
Or yellow.

But then they weren't innocent.

He figured that as long as he kept calm, all these little ponies would eventually realize that he wasn't a threat to them. Or at least, he hoped so. But what if they were racist? Or worse, xenophobic?
After all, he wasn't simply a member of another species to them. He was an alien. Straight from another dimension and everything. Being nearly twice as tall as most of them probably didn't help, either.

Standing in front of the large tree Lyra had directed him towards, Carl took a deep breath and knocked on the door. While he waited, he checked his phone, as if network coverage could have magically returned... obviously, it hadn't.
A purple mare with a horn and strange pink streaks in her purple mane opened the door.

"Um, hello? May I help you?" Twilight Sparkle asked, raising an eyebrow as she looked up at the tall, foreign creature.

"Oh, uh, yeah. 'Sup?"

Smooth, Carl. Real smooth.

"Uh... who are you? And what are you?" the lavender mare asked, her horn glowing as she cast a basic force field spell around her (surprisingly) slender body. 'Better safe than sorry', she thought.

"Shit, she was for real, you ain't scared!" Carl exclaimed, a slight glimmer of hope flashing in his eyes as he realized that maybe, not all was lost for him.
Maybe.

Not yet.

"Should I be?"

"Nah, nah! I ain't gonna hurt you. Look, I, uh..." he trailed off, his eyes wandering on her. "Shit! Why you have to be purple, man?"

"Excuse me?" she inquired, frowning. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"Well, uh... Nothin'. Look. I need to get back home, alright? And that Lyra girl over there, she said you could help me," he said, pointing a finger behind him. "That right?"

"Back home? Where are you from? And for Celestia's sake, what are you?"

"The name's Carl Johnson," he said smugly, crossing his arms. "I guess you can call me CJ. And I'm a Grove Street OG."

"Alright... okay, listen Mister Johnson, I don't understand what you're trying to tell me," Twilight brushed a strand of mane out of her face with a hoof, and looked at Carl's face. He seemed confused, possibly even more so than her, and she couldn't detect the slightest trace of magical energy in his body. "But why don't you come in? You can explain me everything," she said, smiling as she beckoned him with a hoof.

Carl shrugged and followed her inside the tree turned library turned house, ducking under the door frame. 'Damn, Ryder would have looked tall next to these midget fucks,' he thought, stifling a laugh. The purple mare took a seat and motioned for him to sit in front of her, which he did after nearly falling off the (way too small) chair, and after nearly doing so a second time upon hearing a young voice coming from the stairs.

"Twilight! You forgot your pills again!"

"Spike, I-"

"You know your body can't regulate its intestinal transit on its own, damn it! And now, tomorrow I'm gonna have to clean your... oh my sweet Celestia, what is that thing?" the little dragon stopped two steps away from the ground, staring at Carl in fear.

"What the fuck, man? Another purple nigga up in here? This Balla turf or what?" Carl nearly screamed in disbelief.

"And it can talk? Twilight, help!" Spike screamed, climbing back up the stairs.

"Spike, calm down!" the mare said, casting a small force field around both her and her number one assistant. "This is Carl, and he's not from around here... and he seems to be lost. Carl, this is Spike, my assistant."

"Number one assistant," the little reptile added smugly, probably trying to look tough or something. Maybe it would have worked if he weren't two feet tall or something.

Staring wide-eyed and slack-jawed, Carl closed his mouth when he realized a strand of saliva had found its way inside his goatee. "Shit! You's a dragon?"

"Yep!" Spike answered proudly with a large grin.

Looking back at Twilight, he saw her chuckling silently. "What's happenin', man? Why you two be glowin' purple? And how many of 'em weird ass creatures y'all have in this country? Damn, this some crazy shit!"

"Well, Carl... you don't mind if I call you Carl, do you?" she asked, and taking his lack of reaction as a 'no', she continued. "We have many different species here in Equestria. I have never seen anything like you, so I assume you come from a very distant land, but here we have ponies, griffons, dragons... lots of creatures living in harmony. Well, most of the time."

Scared changelings, bored buffalos from the Midwest... This land is like a big Üder Milken ice cream shop. Thirty-six flavors of ponies!

"Yeah, yeah, I guess. Look, you better back off a lil' bit, alright? That purple shit's making me nervous."

"Purple... oh, you mean, magic?" she asked, lowering the force field around her. "That was just for, um, safety purposes. You're not seriously trying to tell me that you never saw unicorn magic... right, Carl?"

Bringing a hand to his chin, the young man started stroking his goatee as he blinked three times rapidly. "Magic? Hell no, I ain't never seen no magic. See, where I'm from, magic ain't no thing. It don't exist, y'know? Ain't no damn pony talking or flying, either, and unicorns don't exist. I think this an alternate dimension or something... yo, you ever heard of San Andreas?"

"Don't be silly, Carl. There's no such thing as an alternate dimension. Equis is a very large planet, you must simply come from foreign lands... I have never heard of San Andreas, though. Where is it, exactly?"

"I don't know what the fuck Equis is, but my planet's called Earth. And San Andreas is a state in North America. I don't suppose you horses know anything about that shit?"

Levitating a slowly forming bead of sweat off her forehead and into her mouth (because fuck paying for salt licks, she's a resourceful mare), Twilight looked at Spike. "Spike, can you go and make us some tea, please?"

"Yeah, yeah... sure," the poor little dragon said as he walked into the kitchen, muttering something about how he was tired of being enslaved by hooved females with petty fucking needs, and how he would raise hell in a couple of hundred years.
They would all be dead already anyway, but still.

Ignoring him, Twilight turned her gaze back to the human sitting in front of her. "I have never heard of all those places... but this can't be. You can't be from another dimension! You're a... um, what are you, again?"

"I'm a human."

"A human... no. No, no, no! This can't be happening!"

"That's what I been sayin' since I woke up in that huge ass forest, dude! But this shit looks real to me. Whatever's happenin', it's for real and I'mma need yo' help, a'ight? I can't be stayin' in this crazy ass land, y'know? Ain't no place for a nigga, man."

"What's a nigga?" Twilight asked, raising an eyebrow.

Carl sighed. "It's nothin'. Yo, look, it don't matter. That Lyra girl said you could help me get back to LS."

"Ellis?"

"Man, fuck! Los Santos... that's just some place where I'm from. My home town."

"You don't have to use such foul language all the time, Carl, you know? It won't get you anywhere in life," Twilight scowled him.

"Get me anywhere?" Carl smirked. "Bitch, I rule the fucking streets! Ain't no damn three feet tall horse gon' tell me what the fuck to do! Shit, I thought you said you was gonna help me, but if you ain't, I'm outta here. You ain't my goddamn mom."

"I didn't say I would help you... since I don't know whether or not I can," she said angrily, purple sparks spouting from her horn. "But you don't rule anything here in Equestria, so I suggest you calm down right now, or I will have to calm you down myself!"

"Oh yeah? And what you gonna do, man? WATCHU GON' DO?" Carl shouted defiantly, spittle hitting Twilight in the face as he got up and slammed his fists onto the wooden table, breaking it in half in the process.

"THIS IS WHAT I'M GOING TO DO, YOU FREAK!" the enraged unicorn screamed, jumping on the half table and firing a beam of light at him.

Twilight Sparkle watched in horror as her sedating spell harmlessly ricocheted off the human's chest, and crashed into a nearby bookshelf, setting a few books on fire. "Spike! SPIKE! Quick, a fire extinguisher!" she shrieked, galloping in circles and knocking random things off tables and shelves.

Before he could even comprehend what the hell had just happened, Carl's mind somehow dictated him to walk up to the burning shelf. He grabbed the three flaming books and placed them on the ground before stomping on them repeatedly, putting the fire out in a few seconds. As easy as it was, he was glad that he had been a firefighter in the past, being fireproof could have been useful had the situation escalated.

He glared at Twilight, his expression somewhere in between 'what did you say, bitch nigga?' and 'yo, you right, dawg, this is stupid, let's put the guns away and go on about our business'.
Before either of them could say anything, a flash of light coming from outside blinded them, followed by the telltale sound of a wooden door creaking open.

A tall white mare with a flowing, multicolor mane was standing in the doorway, a solemn look upon her face. She was much larger than Twilight or Lyra, or any other creature Carl had seen so far, for that matter. Except maybe the weirdo's bear... Her horn was huge, sharp as a sword and nearly two feet in length, and her large wings were neatly folded against her slender frame, glistening in the sunlight.
She was the definition of graceful.

Her dark magenta eyes gazed upon her faithful student, and the tall ape-like creature standing on a pile of burned paper, as a small smirk formed at the corner of her mouth.

"P-Princess... Princess Celestia!" Twilight shouted, quickly trotting up to her mentor, nuzzling her armored chest with her head.

"My faithful student," Celestia started, her eyes focusing on Carl, "I am glad to see that the human sought shelter from you. Who knows what some other ponies could have done to him..." she trailed off, thoughts of the Apple family crossing her mind.

'Roll him in some pig shit and beat 'im down, that's all he's good for!'

A shiver ran through her body as she imagined Applejack's screams as her brother charged towards the young human, a pitchfork in his mouth. Yeah, that was definitely a good thing that he didn't end up wandering on the Apple family's property.

Twilight was giving her mentor a confused look. "What do you mean, Princess? Did you know about his arrival in Equestria?"

"No! Of course not." Celestia said a little too loud, a bead of sweat forming under her crown. "I uh, just knew that another, um... creature, had arrived earlier today... it is my job to make sure Equestria is safe, after all."
'Well, one of my jobs,' she thought.

Carl, who had remained silent until then, stepped up to the Princess of the Sun, and looked down at her. Her gaze was shifting uneasily, and although she would never admit it, to her, there was something deeply unsettling about having to look up when conversing with another sentient being.

"Damn! You a horse, man!"

"Excuse me?"

"Well, I mean, look at you! You're like, two feet taller than the others! They're ponies, ain't they? That makes you a horse."

Celestia smiled weakly and cleared her throat. "Mister, um... what is your name?"

Twilight chimed in. "It's Carl, Princess. Carl Johnson."

"Very well, Carl. I am Princess Celestia, I am the ruler of Equestria. And I am a pony."

"No way, dude, you're a horse. And how you be rulin' shit if you just a princess? I thought only kings and queens could rule over a kingdom."

"Carl, I am going to have to ask you to stay calm, and remain quiet. It will only take a second." Celestia said, readying a mind-reading spell.

"Princess, I don't think that's a-" the purple unicorn was cut off as her teacher glared at her.

"Be quiet, Twilight. I know exactly what I am doing."

A bright yellow beam of light shot from the white alicorn's horn, passing through Carl's chest and dissipating into the air a few feet behind him. Her face dropped as Carl glared at her strangely, completely unfazed.

"Yo, that was some nice fireworks, baby! But damn, this magic thing is some freaky shit. For real."

Ignoring Carl's comments, the princess stepped outside, motioning for Twilight to follow her. When both mares were outside, the door closed seemingly on its own, the handle glowing faint yellow.

'Shit... I gotta find a way outta here!' Carl thought. He wasn't really scared by the white pony's strange behavior, but things were clearly not looking up for him. He had always thought Rollin' Heights turf was the worst place he could ever find himself in, but so far Equestria was having him reconsider.

He lazily walked up to the window and watched as the two ponies talked to each other, wondering what they could be talking about.

"I couldn't even grasp him! My magic energy just went right through him, as if he weren't even there..."

"I know, Princess! I used a tranquilizing spell on him, it just ricocheted right off him! He seems to be immune to magic... do you understand what that means?"

While Twilight had a large smile on her face from the prospects of having a sentient being immune to magic to experiment on, Celestia seemed a little unnerved, if not downright pissed off.

Without magic, how would she manage to get him to-... er, how would she manage to protect her subjects from him? Yeah, that's what she meant. It is her job to protect her subjects, after all. Right?

"Yes, Twilight Sparkle. I understand perfectly what that means... now if you'll excuse me, I must return to Canterlot, for I have some business to attend to. Farewell, my little pony." Before Twilight could answer, the alicorn spread her wings, ready to take off when the sound of a door opening interrupted her.

"Hey, wait up, damn it! Y'all gonna tell me what the fuck I'm here for or what? I know you're a princess and you have shit to take care of and all, but you ain't the only one, man! My homies down in LS! And my fucking 'hood, man! I gotta go back where I belong, them Balla motherfuckers ain't gonna pop themselves! Ain't no punk ass crack dealer gonna be waitin' for me, either! The homies is still weak from all that base bein' pushed up in their faces for so long!"

"Carl," Celestia spoke solemnly, although with a hint of resentment in her voice, "I understand your situation, but there is nothing I can do to send you back to your home world..." she looked back at Twilight, flashing her a smile, before whispering into the man's ear, "even if I wanted to."

"Princess," the young unicorn inquired, "why are you acting so... strangely?".

"Am I? Oh... yes, maybe. I am, um... I haven't slept well in a few days. We are having some, um, territorial issues. Problems with the griffons, you know how it is... Things are, um, well, you know how griffons are... I must admit, I am a little preoccupied, perhaps a bit more than I should be. And Luna is giving me some trouble, as well. Something about how Moon rocks were better than her current bed, and things like that... but do not worry, I will be back to my usual self in no time."

"The griffons?" Twilight raised an eyebrow. "But I thought they-"

"Farewell, Twilight Sparkle," Celestia said quickly before teleporting away.

"What the hell was that, man? That white bitch is crazy! She always like that, or is it because of those gray phone things, or whatever the fuck they're called?"

"How dare you insult Princess Celestia?" Twilight screamed, getting up on her hind legs and pressing her front hooves against Carl's stomach.

"Hey, chill, man! I'm just sayin', she wasn't actin' normal, that's all."

Twilight eyed him carefully, before calming down a bit and shrugging, dropping back on all fours. "And how would you know how she normally acts? You don't even know her!"

"No... but yo' ass is trustin' her, right? And you seem to be an alright girl, even though you got some issues. You a lil' fucked up but maybe that's 'cause you got a tall ass alien askin' you for help and shit. You wouldn't be holdin' no respect for her ass if she was behavin' like that all the time. Besides, I know when motherfuckers are up to something... I'm telling you, Sparks, her ass is definitely schemin' some shit."

"...Sparks?" the lavender mare asked, bewildered, unable to even start processing the rest of what Carl said. And what was with his obsession with donkeys?

"Look, if I'm stuck here, I ain't lettin' no bitch ass horse fuck with y'all. If she ain't helpin', then you still my best and only chance at ever goin' back. I'm gonna go to that Ken-a-Lot place and investigate a lil' bit."

"Canterlot," she corrected.

"Whatever. You in?"

"Carl, I... No! I'm not in! You don't know what you're talking about, Princess Celestia is a kind and fair pony, she would never be plotting anything."

"Man, do you ever get outta your damn tree? Shit, you'd need a good lil' trip in the ghetto, teachin' you to keep it real... I don't care if this Equestria place looks like it's comin' from a lil' girl's dream, it can't be all sunshine and rainbows and shit!"

"Well, no, but we have the Elements of Harmony, Carl! Whenever there is a threat to Equestria, me and my friends are always there to save the day!" Twilight said proudly, puffing her fluffy chest out.

"The Elements of- man, fuck this shit. I ain't even gonna tryna understand what you be talkin' 'bout. All I'm sayin' is, you trust her, so if she's the threat, you won't do shit. Ain't nothin' gon' stop her."

"For the last time, Princess Celestia is not a threat! And the next time you disrespect her, I will-" she was cut off as Carl grabbed her by the horn, bringing her up to his eye level.

Damn, why were these horns so... enticing?
Wait. What the fuck did he just say?
Think?

"What you gon' do now? Set more shit on fire?" the young man asked, smirking. "Nah, I think you should introduce me to your friends instead. They saved the world and shit? Maybe they keep it real. You? Right now, you wouldn't know real if it came and hit you between yo' cheeks."

"Let go off me, you brute!"

"Whatever you say." Carl dropped the purple pony, a look of determination on his face. "I'mma go meet yo' friends. Where they at?"

Her horn glowing brightly as she was about to smack him with a chair, Twilight suddenly stopped, a thought crossing her mind. "Maybe you should try to go see Applejack. She would love you."

"That sounds good, where she at?"

"Sweet Apple Acres. It's a farm not far from here. Just walk forward, and you will end up on a dirt track. Make a right whenever you can, and the farm will be straight ahead. You will recognize Applejack easily, she's an orange Earth pony with a blonde mane and a brown hat. She'll probably be out in the orchard, bucking trees."

"Orange, blonde, brown... aw, goddamn! She the one who got shat on by a bird horse?"

"What?"

"Nothin'. I'mma go see her, I guess. I'll catch up with yo' ass later, Sparks." Carl said as he turned around, only to be interrupted by Spike, who had a cup of tea in each 'hand'. "Tea? You for real, kid?" he asked, grabbing his cup nonetheless as the other was caught in a lavender aura, and levitated behind him.

"Well, I'm sorry, um... Carl, is that it?" Spike inquired.

"Jeah. Carl Johnson."

"Well mister Carl, I personally prefer more, um..." the little dragon trailed off, glancing around nervously. "I prefer manlier drinks, you know?"

"Oh yeah? Manly drinks, huh? Like what?"

"Um... black coffee? No sugar?"

"Coffee? Shit, man. Coffee's alright and all, but that's the idea of manliness to you?"

"Uh... I don't know... I mean, yes! It's manly! Isn't it? What do you drink where you come from?"

"We have lots of things to drink... hey, you don't have beer, do you?"

"Actually we do, but..." Spike trailed off as he sighed, starting to hover a few inches off the ground, a purple glow surrounding his small body.

"Carl, it's time to go. Spike, leave him alone. He has to go... now."

"Yes, Twilight..."

Freeing the young dragon from his tormentor's magical clutches, Carl tucked him under his arm and gave the purple mare a disapproving look. "What's wrong with you, man? Why you ain't lettin' the lil' guy do what he wants? We just talkin', we ain't doin' nothin' bad."

Sighing in exasperation, Twilight was trying her best to remain calm, and somewhat composed. "He is young, and he shouldn't be talking to the likes of you."

"He a fucking dragon! He shouldn't be takin' orders from a purple midget horse, is what he shouldn't be doin'! So let us talk, alright? We ain't doin' nothin' bad, c'mon! I'm just askin' him a few things! Fuck, man! It ain't everyday I get to meet a fucking dragon, yo!"

'And it's a good thing, because your ass would be toast,' she thought, feeling nothing but disdain for the young man and his attitude.

Carl kneeled down, putting the young dragon back on the ground and patting his head. "So, lil' guy, what's yo' name again?"

"Spike."

"Spike, huh? That's a cool name I guess... Hey yo, man, can you breathe fire?"

"Uh... well, yes. But um... not quite like an adult dragon."

"What's that mean? I ain't never seen no adult dragon, so I wouldn't know the difference."

"Well, I can, uh... I can send letters to the princess."

Carl raised an eyebrow and stroked his goatee. "What's that gotta do with anything?"

"When I breathe a small flame on a letter, it gets sent to the princess! Isn't that cool?"

"Huh... yeah, whatever, I guess. So, you some kind of magical mailman or some shit?" Carl asked, taking a sip of his tea. Damn, that shit wasn't half bad.

"Heh, I suppose you could say that."

"Who'd wanna write to the princess, anyway?"

"Twilight and her friends, mostly..." the little lizard trailed off, looking into Twilight's hate-filled eyes. "Um, exclusively."

Carl chuckled as an idea popped in his head, a smirk forming on his face. "I see... hey Spike, think could you send her a letter from me?"