Chapter 2: The Day Canterwhatalotnot Became Uber-Fucking Awesome!

“Get this fact straight, you cunt: Characters are not made so interesting things can happen to them. Characters are people.” – CheeseDeluxe.

I carried through town, my rocket sleigh suddenly exploded, launching me two hundred and eighty feet into the air. I watched as the ground approached rapidly underneath me, and with a snap of my fingers, landed safely at the wheel of an oversized ship.

"Whut?" I heard from behind me, I ignored it as I sailed the vessel through the cement, taking great care to blow up everything that got in the way.

"I am Captain Jack Sparrow mate! Get off my ship!" I Looked at the bedraggled pirate and slipped a pair of shades on over my shades.

"Nope." I then parked my boat in the royal Canterlot castle gardens, and walked inside, as the boat exploded, sending the captain flew through the air.
((This is the tale, of Captain Jack Sparrow! Pirate so brave, on the seven seas!))

I strode into the white halls of the Canterlot place, slapping guards as I went. They looked at me and went blind instantaneously, their eyes burning out of their skulls at my aura of awesome. Luna tried to pounce on me from behind but I smacked that bitch upside the head, putting her in her place. “Back in the kitchen mare!” I shouted. “Make me a sammich!” She scurried off pretty quickly, shakin’ dat flank as she went. I made my third right hand into the shape of a gun and aimed it at Luna as she fled to the kitchen. Pulling the imaginary trigger, I shot a bullet of pure awesome into Luna’s flank, instantly, she fell to the floor, writhing in pleasure as drips of succulent liquid fell to the floor from between her legs. She rolled onto her back as I reloaded, walking closer to her. With guards all around and Luna’s hind legs apart, facing towards me, I pulled the trigger a second time shooting her right in the vajay-jay. Streamers and rainbow coloured confetti exploded from the mare’s nethers in an endless torrent of orgasmic euphoria, covering the many guards from head to toe.
“Oh yeah, dat plot.” I said, as I strode from the halls to the throne room, leaving the guards to clean up the mess I’d made.

((TIME SKIP!

The fuck'd I say, I'm too awesome for time warps!))

I stepped through the doors into the throne room, and then opened them, turning around I faced Celestia. "Sup hoe" I said as I strode through the red carpeted halls, everything around me became decorated with posters of my band, the awesome in the room increased 20000% past lethal levels for anyone not wearing an Awesome McSaucepants official pin. Twelve of the fifteen guards dropped dead as the remaining three all threw themselves out the window, I struck a pose near the throne and pointed to the pony princess "My room now." I flicked a finger upwards as she flew to the sun, banishing her for as long as I feel she is unawesome. I then took a seat in the throne, and it exploded underneath me. "Fuck yea." I said as Luna brought me a sammich. I ate that shit as miniature explosions rocked my mouth, it was delicious.

Celestia burned to death on the sun. Perfectly content though, as the last sight she'd seen (apart from the melting of her own eyelids) was Awesome McSaucepants. The last thing she did before dying was orgasm.

Back in the Ponyville: Twilight had the mane six in the library, Spike was missing, cause he was dead, twice. Beaten to death by a Kamehameha wave and KFC, he now lied eternally banished at the bottom of the sinkhole that used to be the Everfree forest... And dead. Anyway, back the fuck up to the library bitches. Twilight was all like "guys, Johnny Depp is so hot, I need him IN ME." Applejack turned to her and was all like, "Shut up whorebag, he's mine" She then pulled out a blunt and lit it. This is cause drugs are cool, and you should totally convince your kids to do them.

Anyhow, Twilight went upstairs and opened her secret cosplay cupboard, taking out a Kiera Knightly, Elizabeth Swan costume. "Gais, I am so kawii right now!" Rarity was all like, "Bitch be stealing ma fashion." She then punched Twilight in the face. "Much better." They then all left the library in a hovercraft, heading towards Canternotalot. Pinkie was clearly getting off on the hovercrafts vibrations. Out of nowhere, a douchbag green pony with a shit Goku rip-off haircut and a triforce cutie mark steeped into the way of the hovercraft. They RAN HIM THE FUCK OVER, cause high, drunk driving is cool. His remains were pureed by the read hovercraft blades. Shit was so cash. The rest of the journey was rather uneventful and after a slight detour, they arrived in Canterwhat four and minus three quarter days later.

((It aint a goku haircut
It's a yu gi oh
BIATCH))

I stood from my throne, and then launched myself upwards, gravity was all like "Fuck your couch, I’m not helping you down muther fucker!" So I dickslapped Gravity and was like "I don’t need your ass anyway" As my awesome rooted me back to the floor. I needed nothing but awesome. I left the throne room as it exploded, twice. And continued through the halls, taking great care to avoid Luna, she may want me, and that’s uncool.

I left the building then flew to the broken remains of Manehattan. I strolled through the broken buildings. then, with my super awesome extendo arms, I built a giant nightclub. I teleported the only female DJ who could handle my extreme levels of awesome to the booth and then held on hand up as she began ub wubbing the FUCK out of everything. Then I left the building, My awesome could not be contained.

Then I teleported and, found myself back in the castle, "what can i say? I like it here, it smells of burning princess.'" Just for teh lulz, Awesome walked out of the castle, there was nothing to do, all the guards were dead, killed by Awesome's, awesome. He strolled into Canterhot proper and found a bar. He entered it. (That’s what she said.) He ordered a pint of petrol with a side of cyanide on the side. West-side! He downed his cyanide and shat a rainbow! Throwing the petrol over himself, he pulled out a lighter and set himself on motherfucking fire. This felt good, and he pelvis thrusted his way across the bar, slapping stallions with his blazing manhood. Fireworks went off behind him. "Bar fight!" Some douchnozzle shouted.

As quick as awesome can be, Awesome awesomely DEFENESTRATED that motherbucker, it was awesome. As the stallion went through the window, he was teleported by pure awesome, back into the bar, where he was promptly defenestrated again, this time with Awesome's fifth arm! Oh yeah, I went there! After doing the cha-cha slide, Awesome blew up the bar. He then left. He then entered the bar and blew it up. He then left and went to find Captain Jack Sparrow, for he knew, that was where his destiny was.