Chapter 3 - Touch Yourself to This!!!!!

“We're not fucking morons; evidence proves otherwise. Instead of being a condescending asshole and telling us every single damn piece of information, why don't you imply it?” - CheeseDeluxe

I flew to Ponyville, since after all. Pirates love villes. That’s a known fact. So I flew my happy ass down to Ponyville and was like "Sup hoes" when I landed in the centre of town, every female crotch around me exploded simultaneously in orgasmic fury, the fire jutting from their crotches immediately set every male within two miles on fire. I put on my shades over my other two pairs and smiled, the twinkle shattering the sun, causing it to grow dark. But I was like. "fuck that" And sent my tooth sparkle into the atmosphere. Instantly remaking the sun. "`Srite." I mumbled as I began walking around the dozens of screaming males. Every female in the area stopped spewing fires and fainted and I continued my walk to the best place to find pirates. The library.

I may have strolled through Ponyville again, but who knows. I may have also teleported back to Canterlot, but I may not have. After possibly arriving in Canterlot I might have put on a fourth pair of shades. Fireworks went off behind me, but they didn't at the same time, you decide. At some point between Friday and Friday I walked up to the palace, trying to find my destiny again, because I totally lost it earlier. I don't know where it went. It might have been with me the whole time, but no one really knows. While possibly heading to The Black Pearl I might have stumbled across Jesus. He totally maybe summoned some fish 'n shit and then I was all like "Fuck fish!" I then swallowed my micro-Jesus. In an alternate dimension. Space folded around me and I was now Jesus. Call me, Jesus McAwesomeMcSaucepants now, for I am the messiah. Find me a lake and I shall walk across it. I saw the Black Pearl off in the distance and maybe a hovercraft but that may be the LSD talking. Is that Johnny Depp and a unicorn version of Twilight Swan? I must sexy them. Lots of sexy. They will bear my children and start the McSaucepants revolution. One thing though. Cause I haven't for a while. I NEED to blow the fuck out of something. I then killed some fag called Kronos and ordered a second sandwich from Luna. Bitches be wack yo.
My sandwich teleported to me in record time, and I set it on fire. Fuck yeah, toasties.

I took a bite out of that shit, flavour filled my mouth as it turned into rainbows, my diamond teeth made mincemeat outa that shit.

Then the rainbows shot from my mouth and detonated around the town, causing people to scream in panic. But im way too cool to scream.

So instead I opted for a song instead.

I whip out a guitar from behind my back and strike a power chord so hard the sound barrier broke sending shockwaves in all directions.

The strings set on fire and the vibrations rocked the nearby mares into another badass orgasm. "Damn, the floors all slippery..." Somewhere I heard Big Mac cry "Whoa nelly!" as he also came. I opened my moth for the first line: "Strollin' around, being badass, destroying shit and defenestratin' bitches. I'm Awesome McSaucepants, what you gonna do huh? I got mah six string and my flamin' dick, what you gonna do bitch. Oh yeah! I smack a ho', I don’t tell mares twice. They speak up, I slap 'em back down!" ~~~~~ Awww yeah Jackie boy, Come at me Sparrow!

I was feeling old-school. "Anyone have a 44 Magnum? Of course not, they're all dead." I bent over and picked up a handy magnum of the floor. "You just can't write this shit." I wondered if it worked and ponited the barrel towards my face, I pulled the trigger.

I mean ALL OF DIS SHIT.

((I pulled out my dildo-sword and swung at Luna's head.

My head exploded from the impact, i reached my hand down into my neck and pulled out another head. "Awwww yeah bitches!"

I pulled out my old-rice-krispy-cake-dildo-sword and swung at Luna's head!

I pulled out my double-edged-old-rice-krispy-cake-dildo-sword with sprinkles on top for the first time. Making me totally hipster. No one else owns one of these badboys.

"Hmmmm... Fuckin' hipster... Those bitches are next on my list!"))

"I've got so much shit to do." I took a piss with the toilet seat down. "Fuck yeah..." I then didn't flush, lifted the seat and walked away, leaving my elephant shlong out for the world to see.

I then grew dragon wings which shot out on either side of me, "I have the weirdest wingboner right now..."

I stroked my wingboner and grew an erection. I flew over towards Twilight Swan, and my destiny.

I dropped down onto the Black Pearl and Jack Sparrow popped out of a barrel, "Now what are ye doin on my ship?" I smacked him with my flaming boner and he fell off the ship, I then picked up Twilight Swan and flew back to Ponyville. As I left the ship exploded.

I had my way with Twilight swan as I flew, because ponies in dresses. Hell yes.

Spooning is tons of fun.

Twilight looked at me and I smiled back. You gon’ get raped… A sly grin grew on her face as she trotted towards me. She totally wanted it. I wasn’t going to deny her what she was after in the library. I knelt down and we were soon at eye level. God those are some damn beautiful violet eyes. She raised a hoof and put it around my neck, drawing me in close. Her lips curled and her eyes glistened as our faces drew near. She could feel the pure awesome coming off of me, and it made her tingle in her nethers. I closed my eyes, I was gonna make this a wild ride for her. Fuck that, she’s just a masturbation aid, something to make me cum, a vessel for my seed. She WILL start the Awesome revolution. She stall be a test, to see how much of Awesome a mare can take. Our lips soon touched and I felt her quiver. God, I knew I was good, but not this good! Who am I kidding, I’m Awesome McSaucepants, I’ve ALWAYS been this good. The kiss continued and soon after, I felt her tongue pressing against my lips, seeking to gain entry. Who was I to deny her? Oh right. Awesome McSaucepants! I let her. Our tongues mingled with each other in the void between our lips and a sweet trail of saliva connected us as I pulled away. Something about the fire erupting from her crotch tells me she might have just cum. Lucky for me, I’m wearing fireproof trousers. Fuck. I bathe in napalm. I noticed one of her hooves slipping between her legs. I pulled it away and replaced it with my own. Using my other hand, I put it on her back and scooted her closer. Slipping my fingers down between her hind legs, she squealed and I felt the glistening juices flowing freely as I slid my finger up and down her petals. She violently shook some more and gasps started escaping her lips. She fell onto her back and HOLY FUCK, I JUST REALISED THE MANE SIX IS WATCHING ALL THIS. FUCK YEAH. Anyhow, She slid onto her back and presented herself to me, hind legs splayed wide open. Her coat was stained all the way from her marehood to her tail, it was even running along the floorboards of the ship. They were gonna have to start bailing this shit soon. Now, I’m not one for missionary, but fuck. I don’t wanna kill the mare. Lil’Awesome can be quite the handful if I’m not careful. Anyways, seeing as my elephant shlong was already out, I figured I’d put it to good use. I was now fully erect, I mean, Johnny Depp is a good looking guy, and the only concern I had was that I was going to kill my destiny. Twilight Swan might not have been able to deal with a boner of this magnitude.

“She can take it! Go balls deep in the bitch!”
“Stop it boner…”

I positioned my arm-like appendage at her entrance and began pushing. Gently? No. Fuck that shit. All the way in, in one go! That’s just how I roll. One fucking huge penis for Twilight, one great step for the Awesome revolution. The whore screamed as I rammed the full length of my elephanthood into her, and she once again erupted into a rainbow fountained, flaming crotch orgasm. I got some in my mouth. Fuck yeah, tastes like caviar. This is one damn-fine-bang-tidy pussy. I thrusted for a while longer and soon became bored.

“Hey, some bitch, get over here.”

“Anything for you Awesome!”

“Beat it Luna.”

“Y-you want me to leave?”

I pulled out my dick and threw Twilight overboard. I would finish with her later…

“No. Seriously,” I pushed my dick into the moon princess’ face, “beat it.”

She took hold with her soft silky hooves and started furiously jerking my shaft. That’s the spot. It takes a real princess with hundreds of years of practice for this shit. That’s the good stuff! Luna soon couldn’t resist and opened her mouth, engulfing at least one nineteenth of my shaft. The sensations of her tongue drove me ever closer and I knew my time was up. I needed something to finish me off. I pulled out of Luna’s hot mouth and slapped her with the full length of my shaft. Fue to the insane amounts of leverage, she was sent flying, most probably into some griffon nest somewhere where she can get raped for all I care. She served her purpose, she made me sandwiches.

Anyhow. I made my way to the side of the ship and dove off. This is what I need. Awesome. I observed myself in the waters reflection and took note of my hunky physique and glorious fire encrusted-explosion endorsed blue eyes. This water must have been HD or some shit, as I could even see the rainbow colouring around my iris’. Fuck. I am a god. And a damn beautiful one at that. I grasped my shaft and masturbated at light speed, diving fully into the water. Swimming at like 9000 knots or something, I reached Twilight quickly. I was at my limit. I picked her up and started swimming to the surface. On the way, I slid her over my elephant dick like a used condom and blew my ethereal load. She shot up to the surface and flew out of the water, gaining altitude quickly. I flew after her. After all, I couldn’t let the mother of creation die on my watch, and within a few seconds caught her in my arms. I then flew back down to the ship, wiped my dick on the curtains and said to Jack.

“Fuck your couch. Peace out.”

I flew off into the sunset.