Okay so here we are yet again!

I've had a bit of time to consider how this wacky story is going to go, and have finally settled on bringing up every Cliché I can think off, then thoroughly start to take the piss out of them.

Don't get me wrong, Celestia is still going to be bat shit insane, as well as constantly chasing him down, yelling obscenities and eventually falcon punching Discord XD

By the way, good ol' Celly shall permanently speak with a bold text, though it will be lowercase when she's not raving.

In any case, let's get on with it shall we.

Begin!

Well so far my day has been absolutely wonderful!

I mean there's sunshine, unpolluted air, the grass crunching beneath my feet as I run like a fucking mad man.

"I'M GOING TO TEAR OFF YOUR DICK, PUT IT IN A JAR, AND CALL IT ROSEMARY!"

Oh yeah, that too.

I'm not entirely sure if I can describe the sheer amount of shock on everypony's face as I just so happened to sprint past them. Oh no, they weren't shocked because of me. You know, despite the fact that I was running, sweating like a bitch and screaming like a little girl.

No, I imagine they looked that way because of the seriously pissed off alicorn that just so happened to be shooting various bolts of no doubt deadly magic in my general direction.

Said alicorn who just so happened to be calm, gentle, loving and unbelievably kind on a regular basis. But because I had the balls to break up with her, she apparently decided to go all super nova and try to set me on fire.

Whilst threatening my manhood…and screaming what I believe to be a long hidden desire to ram me up the-

"JUST YOU WAIT UNTIL I GET HOLD OF YOU LEE!" she screamed murderously. "YOU'RE GOING TO TELL ME WHO 'SHE' IS, THEN I'M GOING TO BURN HER FROM THE INSIDE OUT! THEN I'M GOING TO GET THAT TEN FOOT DONG YOU BOUGHT ME FOR OUR SIXTH MONTH ANIVERSARY AND RUT YOU UP THE ASS WITH IT!"

Yeah, that.

I don't believe I've actually ever run this fast in my life, but then again I've never exactly had an angry, tearful, overly kinky ex-girlfriend threatening to deflower my buttocks with a rather large rubber phallus before either.

It's a hard life I lead.

Oh, and the mood swings…jeez.

You should have heard her a couple of miles back (Yes I can run for miles on end, I'm a human, what did you expect?), she'd gone from raging like a lunatic, to crying and pleading like an…insane ex-girlfriend?

Shush you, I'll think of something better later.

But seriously, is she bipolar or something? She's still doing it now!

"Please don't run from me Lee," she cried pleadingly, many hot golden tears sizzling as they hit the ground. "I just want to you to love me!"

"Jesus Christ mare, leave me alone!" I shouted, looking back at her momentarily and regretting it instantly.

Her eyes were still a fierce white, yet were filled with golden tears, many of them having already dried on her cheeks. But what struck me with guilt the most…was the way her face was contorted with despair.

"P-P-Please Lee, we can still be together!" she tried desperately to persuade. "I take back everything I've said. I just want us to be together, marry, have a family and love each other for all eternity!"

"MARRY!" I screeched shrilly, my voice shattering a few nearby windows as I put all the more effort into my never ending sprint. "HAVE A FAMILY? WHAT DRUGS ARE YOU ON MARE!"

I turned sharply and entered a rather dirty looking alleyway, running still until I suddenly hit a dead end.

I honestly have no idea how to describe the sheer level of dread pulsating within me as Celestia's shadow rapidly overwhelmed mine.

Or maybe I do. Perhaps it's the same feeling you get when you're crossing the road and a car suddenly blares its horn behind you, and thus you quickly realize just how fucked you are.

Or not, but what do I know. I'm just a bland, run of the mill human who just so happens to be stuck in la la land.

In any case, I myself did realize just how truly fucked I was the moment I felt her unmistakably hot breath tickling the back of my neck.

"Hah…hah, finally cornered you my sweet!" she crooned, her breath somewhat laboured with exhaustion. "Now…Now you…have, goodness me I need to lay of the cakes. Ahem, now you have nowhere to run. So don't mind me while I work on making you love me again!"

"Now wait a minute Celestia, I think that we should talk aboMPHH-"

Yeah, I had little warning before she span me around with her magic and promptly forced her tongue down my throat, and even less when she began ripping my clothes off.

"No, no, not the top! I got that on sale…Okay fuck the top, just leave my trousers alo- OH SON OF A BITCH! THEY COST ME HALF A DAY'S PAY!"

I wrenched my mouth away from the crazy fucking mare and glared at her angrily, not that it seemed to affect her suddenly cheerful disposition much…if at all really.

It was only when I felt a random chill touching my badingle that I realized…well, that she'd pretty much torn off and incinerated every bit of clothing I had on.

Even my boots!

However that predatory smirk adorning her muzzle kinda put me off the urge to go shopping.

Her eyes had thankfully lost their white glow, and I suppose the fact that she wasn't crying molten tears was also a nice bonus. Yet…dat smirk!

How can biting your bottom lip be scary and seductive all at the same time?!

"Oooh this is going to be so hot Lee," she purred sultrily. "Just you, me and a dirty alleyway around us as I school you in the art of anal."

Celestia's horn suddenly lit up and a familiar anniversary present materialized out of thin air.

"Whoa, hold on a second Cel!" I protested, backing away until I unfortunately hit a wall. "I really, really don't want that anywhere near me. And if you truly loved me then you'd accept my decision."

How is it possible for that smirk to get any creepier?

"Oh but it feels so good Leeeee," she drawled, her eyes suddenly lost in perverse thought. "And couples are supposed to share good things, so what kind of mare would I be to refuse my honeybun such a glorious experience!."

Her focus swiftly snapped back onto me as her magic enveloped me, gently attempting to force me into a very embarrassing position that I will never, ever, ever, ever talk about again after today.

"So as the colts and fillies say nowadays, prepare your anus!"

"Oh God, why did I buy this?!"

I shuddered as the sound of Celestia spitting reached my ears, followed up with some very disturbing giggles.

"Now don't you worry sweetums," she cooed lovingly. "This won't hurt a bit."

"HAVE AT THEE VILLAIN!"

I craned my neck at the sudden yell, only to be caught in shock by the appearance of what looked like a pony dressed in a…Batman costume?

The pony moved so fast that by the time I had blinked there was an alicorn shaped hole slap bang where Celestia had been not a second before.

"Holy shit balls Batman!" I exclaimed loudly, looking down at the hole and spotting the now unconscious sun princess.

The pony landed a few feet in front of me and grinned as she ran her eyes over my body.

"Neigh my gorgeous hunk of meat, we are Batmare!" she declared loudly…before closing the distance between us and delicately slithering her tongue into my mouth.

"Wait, what?!"

'Batmare' broke the kiss a few seconds later and narrowed her strangely visible eyes at me sultrily.

"We have heard that thou art single," she purred happily.

"Umm…yeah," I agreed warily.

"Good," she chirped, before turning around and raising her flank in the air. "Thou has permission to, how do they say, fuck us stupid?"

"Wait, what?"

Author's Notes:

And that's all for the moment!

Next chapter will be out ASAP, this one would have been done earlier, but I had some Christmas shopping to do, friends to visit, and basically life to contend with XD

Til next time!