“Shining?”

“Yeah, Cadence?” Shining Armor turned away from the dazzling sight of the Crystal Empire before him to face his beloved bride, and smiled widely at her. He trotted back inside from the balcony as he saw that she carried a large number of bundles and letters, a slightly perturbed look on her face.

“Something wrong?” he asked in mild confusion as she dropped the small mountain of letters onto the floor, and Cadence gave a little agitated huff.

“So,” she began slowly. “Apparently, there was some kind of backlog in the Mustangian postal service…”

“We get mail?” Shining Armor blinked.

“Actually,” Cadence deadpanned and levitated one of the letters, passing it to him. “You have mail.”

He stared down at the small mountain of paper, and blinked again.

“… Are you sure?”

“Yes, Shining,” Cadence rolled her eyes, pointing out that every single letter was addressed to him.

Some of which had perfume and lipstick.

He held up his hooves in innocence.

“I hope you don’t mind,” Cadence said slowly. “But I just had to find out what all this was for.”

“Understandable, I guess…” Shining said uncomfortably as he peered at a particularly lipstick-kiss coated letter, addressed to ‘Mister Prince Shining Hot Sexy Flank Armor’. “I’d be kind of suspicious if a bunch of letters like this showed up for you, too. Are you sure these are all mine?” he asked.

“Positive,” Cadence replied dryly. “They’re all from the same mare, too; some ‘Miss Peachbottom’.”

“Who?”

“Exactly,” she frowned. “Want to find out?”

Considering that as a prince he technically did even less than before, Shining Armor shrugged and opened the letter from the side that Cadence passed to him. Carefully unfolding it, he began to read aloud.

Dearest Shining Armor,

I am going to fuck your brains out.

Cadence chortled, peering over his shoulder. Shining, on the other hoof, had suddenly become very uncomfortable as he struggled to remember if he had ever met a ‘Miss Peachbottom’.

“I swear, I have no idea who this is.”

“Screw that!” Cadence giggled, “Keep reading, already.”

Awkwardly, Shining cleared his throat and read on.

Every single day, I think about riding your hot white flank –

“Do I have to read this out loud?”

“Yes. If you don’t, I will.”

Shining sighed and gave her the letter, and with an amused grin, she picked up where he left off.

Every single day, I think about riding your hot white flank until it turns pink, you studly hunk of stallion. I can’t stop thinking about the enormous white pearls you’ve got, my little prince charming.

“… Little prince charming,” Shining Armor repeated, clearly unamused.

Cadence, however, was on the verge of tears from giggling so much. She waved him off, and continued reading.

I can’t wait to come back to the Crystal Empire and bring you back a piece of Mustangia…

And by piece of Mustangia, I mean a meter long strap-on.

Cadence was gasping for breath at this point, struggling to keep her voice level enough to keep reading without laughing.

I’m going to come to you, my sweet, tight flanked prince – and I mean that in more ways than one! I can’t wait to hold you down and put that horn of yours to good use; maybe I can show you what a REAL mare is like.

Cadence was suddenly slightly less amused.

Shining Armor snickered, and rolled his hoof.

“Well?” he cocked an eyebrow. With a small frown, she continued reading.

After I’ve rutted you like you’ve probably never been rutted before, you can bend me over the body of your wife while we consummate for sweet, sweet hours after she’s cold.

It was silent for a few seconds.

“… Wait, what?”

Significantly less amused and slightly more disturbed, Cadence continued reading once again.

And I am going to rut you, Shiny-plot. I am going to hold you down and make you my bitch.

"Beat her to the punch," Cadence snorted.

“… Are you sure that’s what it says?” Shining peered over the letter, seriously creeped out.

“Great,” Cadence dropped it into his hooves before opening another letter. “First Sombra, now potential serial killers who want to bang you over my corpse. Yay.”

She unfolded another letter, and began to read it out loud warily.

Dearest Shining Armor,

I fucking love you!

“Hey, what a coincidence,” Shining interrupted. “I love me, too.”

“Har de har har,” Cadence rolled her eyes, but still let out a small grin before he opened yet another letter and began to read that one instead.

Dearest future lover,

Have you ever been forced into hot submission with a ball of string and seventeen crystal didlos?

Cadence cackled hysterically, slapping her knee.

“Quick, write back!” she giggled. “Tell her she was one off!”

“Har de har har,” Shining deadpanned. “Next letter.”

She magically levitated another one, opening it with a few titters.

Dearest Shining Armor,

You make me so fucking hot. I am literally dripping like a motherfucking faucet right now. You could pry me open with your tongue and get soaked like my mom was a water balloon.

“Pfffffffffft, what?” he chortled.

“No, wait, wait,” Cadence held up a hoof. “There’s more.”

You are making me so wet that I could fill a swimming pool. I want to make you drink it, Shiny. Stick it down your throat while I lick your eyeballs.

“… What.”

“Still more,” Cadence said distractedly.

I want you, Shining. I want you now, and I’m going to do anything to get you.

I am going to rut you so fucking hard.

P.S. If this letter feels kind of damp –

“Blaw, eeyurgh!” Princess Cadence dropped the letter immediately, shaking her hoof.

“Oh, hey,” Shining pointed to one letter, levitating it. “This one’s for you.”

“I’m almost afraid to open it,” Cadence admitted.

“Want to open it anyway?”

“Totally.”

Shining ripped it open slowly, reading with caution.

Dearest Princess Cadence,

I regret to inform you that I’m going to have to get you out of the picture if I’m going to have my Shiny all to myself.

So, if you could just go ahead and off yourself, that’d be GREAT.

Because, seriously, if I find out that you’re alive when I get back to the Crystal Empire (nice place, by the way!) I am going to fuck you with rusty barbed wire.

“You know what?” Cadence stated with a stunned expression. “I don’t think that these are quite so funny anymore.”

The knocking at the door made both of them jump into the air; thankfully, it was merely one of the Crystal Guards.

“Yes? What is it?” Shining asked with a frown.

The guard only pointed to the enormous cart full of lipstick coated letters.

“… Well,” Cadence looked up at the gigantic pile. “Fuck me with barbed wire.”